10 Days to a Lifetime
by mida212
Summary: Sequel to How to Lose a Finn in 10 Days. Random one-shots of life for Finn, Rachel, and of course Vlad after the 10 Days, including through the eyes of other characters. AU/Future Finchel, Quick
1. The Story of an Hour, Part One

_**Disclaimer: Glee does not belong to me.**_

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><p><em><strong>"She can't see the way your eyes light up when you smile. She'll never notice how you stop and stare whenever she walks by. And you can't see me wanting you the way you want her, but you are everything to me." <strong>_

– _**Taylor Swift, "Invisible"**_

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><p>Allie strode out of her therapist's office, swinging her handbag happily. Today had been a particularly good session, and for the first time since she'd been transferred from Finn's office to Design's, she felt like her life was actually going somewhere.<p>

She strolled down Fifth Avenue, window shopping at each store she passed on her way to Barnes and Noble, anxious to pick up that new romance novel she'd read the review of. Pushing open the door, she made a beeline for the romance section, prepared to quickly grab the trashy novel and race to the register.

She glanced at the shelf, scanning the titles as she searched for the one that she wanted. Allie had started reading trashy romance novels back in high school and had quickly become addicted to them. She'd become ingenious at hiding the embarrassing novels, and had long since mastered the art of finding the novel she wanted and racing to the register before anyone could see what was in her hand. She loved the romanticism of the cover art, with the strong handsome male and the beautiful female captured in some sort of seductive position.

Quickly, Allie found _Lady Margaret's Lover _and pulled it off the shelf eagerly. Opening the cover, she examined the cover art critically. Her eyes raked over the strong chiseled man lowering a beautiful woman with a large chest onto a couch in front of a roaring fire. Both were looking deep into the other's eyes. Allie sighed, wishing that for once, that would be her. She walked slowly, letting her mind wander.

"_Allie, I've been waiting forever for you. I love you," Finn said as he lowered her onto the couch. Allie stared deep into his eyes, feeling the deep connection they shared surging through her body. He brought his head down and began kissing her passionately; letting his strong hands roam over her body. "I'm leaving her, because I'm madly in love with you."_

"Excuse me, are you on line?"

"Huh?" Startled, Allie looked around, noticing that she had walked over to the register line without even realizing. Her daydream was interrupted by a tired looking woman holding several books and a crying toddler, staring at her impatiently.

"Look. I don't have all day. Are you on line or not?"

"Uh, you can go ahead of me." Allie stepped aside to let her pass, her eyes falling on a brightly colored book on a "New Release" display. Automatically, she started gravitating towards it. From working at Schuester's, she knew what bright colors in a book store meant.

Chick Lit.

Happily, she picked up the bright pink book, examining the cover. _"How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days,"_ she read aloud, thinking this could be a good book to read in the bathtub. The picture on the cover made her laugh. It was a drawing of a girl holding a small dog trying desperately to hold onto a guy who was walking right out of the picture.

Her eyes scrolled down to see who the author was. Rachel Berry. She was sure she'd never read anything by Rachel Berry, although the name sounded very familiar. She opened up the book, prepared to read a page or two to see if she'd like it. Quickly flipping through the first couple of pages, she paused when a word caught her eye on the dedication page.

"_For Finn, who rescued me from myself, helping me find everything I never knew I wanted, including him, and didn't laugh when I told him I secretly wanted to be Canadian."_

Finn.

Rachel Berry.

Finn and _Rachel_.

This book was written by _her._ The one who'd stolen Finn from Allie.

Dropping the book as if it was the plague, she quickly got out her cell phone. "Hello? Dr. Richards? I think I need to schedule an emergency session."

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><p>"So Allie, tell me why you're here."<p>

"I saw a book written by _her," _Allie said quietly, looking down at her hands. "The one Finn is in love with."

Dr. Richards adjusted her glasses before speaking. "Alright, why don't we try a different tactic today? Why don't you tell me about the day you met Finn? Maybe we need to look at this in a new angle."

"It was 4 years ago this June 2nd. I'd just started working for Schuester's and Will had been showing me around…" Her eyes drifted off into space, lost in the memory of meeting and falling in love with Finn.

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><p>"<em>So that's about it. This is your work area. Finn won't be in until later, he's at a meeting with a client, but I'm sure you'll have no problem working for him. He's an easy-going guy. His last secretary just loved him like a son. She made him food right up until the day she retired. Why don't you get familiar with your area and then head down to security to pick up your ID? Oh, you know what? I have some files being copied for Finn that need to be picked up from the photocopy room. Maybe you should pick them up and introduce yourself to the people there."<em>

_Allie nodded enthusiastically. She'd been wondering about her new boss. The interviewer had simply told her it was a secretary position, detailing the job responsibilities. At the time, she couldn't care less, she was just happy to get the job. She'd been forced to get a new job, since waitressing part-time wasn't earning her the money she needed to pay both her rent and her college tuition. This job would be paying more than enough to cover her expenses and she'd be able to quit waitressing altogether which would allow her to go to school at night. It wasn't until she'd met Will Schuester that she'd heard anything about who she'd be working for though. "Where can I find the photocopy room?"_

_Will, distracted by a man in a wheelchair rolling towards them, smiled at her before answering her. "Allison, I'd like you to meet Artie Abrams. Artie works closely with Finn, so you'll be seeing a lot of him. Artie, this is Allison Larson, she's taking Sofia's place as Finn's new secretary."_

_Allie smiled at Artie as she shook his hand. "Call me Allie."_

"_Artie, did you and Finn finalize that new Nike Ad? I know they had some concerns about it," Will cut in, concerned._

"_I was just coming to talk to you about it, actually," Artie replied, holding up a design copy of the ad._

"_Let's go talk about it in my office. Allison, I'll leave you to get to work." Allie stared as Will walked off with Artie, realizing too late that Will had never told her where the photocopy room was. She looked around, trying to figure out who to ask. Her eyes fell on two women nearby. One was a tall exotic looking Hispanic woman talking on a cell phone, while the other was a classic blonde looking through a file. _

_Tentatively, Allie walked over to them. "Excuse me?"_

_The one on the cell phone ignored her, while the blonde's eyes flickered to Allie for a second before going back to her file._

"_Um, I'm new here and-" Allie began, stopping as the Hispanic woman held up a finger, still speaking into her phone. "Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. It's just that I need to know where the-"_

"_Who are you?" the blonde asked coldly._

"_I'm Allie Larson. I'm the new secretary for-"_

"_Look New Girl. Let me give you a breakdown of how things work around here." The Hispanic woman finally ended her phone call, shutting the phone with a snap. She gestured to herself and the blonde. "We are Executives. We have important things to do. We can't be bothered with little things like where to find a box of staples. If you need something, ask another secretary," she said, belittlement dripping off the word secretary. _

"_I..I'm sorry, I, uh," Allie stammered, unsure of what to say as the Hispanic woman rolled her eyes and started to walk away. The blonde offered her a small smile before following her._

_Allie stared after their retreating figures, slightly shocked. She stood still, looking around the room, afraid to ask anyone else where the photocopy room was._

"_Don't mind her, she's just a Bitch." Startled, Allie looked to her right to see a tall Asian man standing next to her. He was smiling at her in a friendly manner, so she gave a small smile back._

"_Are you a secretary too?" she asked, figuring since he was talking to her, it was a good bet._

"_No, I'm a Creative Director. Mike Chang," he replied, holding out a hand._

_Allie shook it, her face crimson from embarrassment. "I'm Allie Larson. I'm sorry; I just assumed since you were talking to me, you must be a secretary."_

"_No problem. Ignore Santana. Everyone's nice around here except for her. Whose secretary are you?" he asked, trying to put her at ease._

"_Um, Mr. Hudson's," she said, relaxing a little._

"_Oh! You're working for Finn? We'll be seeing a lot of each other then, I'm part of Finn's team. You'll love him, he's really great," Mike said, smiling._

"_Can I ask you something?" Seeing Mike nod, Allie continued quickly. "Mr. Schuester said that I need to pick something up from the copy room, but he left before he could tell me where it was. Um, where is it?"_

"_It's down on the 1__st__ Floor. Most offices in this building have their own copy room, but they're not with the office. Ours happens to be all the way down on the 1__st__ floor, which is a pain. Just get out of the elevator and make a left. Ask for Vera."_

"_Thanks, Mr. Chang," Allie said, relieved. She'd had horrible scenes running through her head about her new boss ripping her a new one for being inept on her first day and firing her._

"_Call me Mike." _

"_Thanks Mike," Allie said as she scurried off to the elevator._

_Thanks to Mike's directions, she'd quickly located the copy room and picked up the necessary documents, introducing herself to Vera and the rest of the copy staff. _

_She was just making her way to the elevators, her arms loaded with documents, when she noticed an elevator open, waiting for passengers. "Hold the elevator!" she called to a woman stepping into it. She hurried a little, struggling to run with all the documents in her arms._

_Allie was so focused on trying to get to the elevator that she failed to see a man walking and talking on a cell phone until it was too late. They crashed into each other, Allie's documents falling all over the place as she fell to the floor. The man on the cell phone simply gave her a dirty look as he picked up his cell phone and kept walking towards the elevator. Allie stared after him for a moment before looking in dismay at all the documents scattered around the floor. Frantically, she got on her knees attempting to gather them up._

"_Are you ok? Can I give you a hand?" _

"_I'm fine. It's my first day here and I-" Allie looked up to see a tall handsome man staring down at her, making her lose the ability to speak. He bent down to start picking up papers, allowing Allie to get a better view of him. His suit jacket was draped over one arm and as he reached out his arms to start gathering the papers scattered everywhere, she could clearly see the muscles under his sleeves. "You really don't have to help me."_

_He looked up at her, giving her a lopsided grin, making Allie blush. "It's no problem. That guy was a jerk."_

_She stared at him for a moment, taking in his kind, whiskey colored eyes and messy brown hair. The hair contrasted with his expensive looking suit, but Allie decided that it added to his appeal. She snuck a peek at his left hand, registering the lack of a wedding ring. Forgetting about the papers, she continued staring, not even noticing that she'd stopped picking up the papers, only snapping out of her stupor when the man handed her the last of the papers._

"_There you go," he said cheerfully, handing her the last of the papers. "Everything accounted for?"_

"_I..I think so," Allie said, reluctantly tearing her eyes from his face to scan the floor, looking for any stray papers they might have missed. "Thank you for helping me. My boss needs these. They're very important."_

"_I'm sure he'll understand if something's missing. Accidents happen. And don't worry, I didn't read any of them, just in case they're confidential," the man said, standing up and holding out a hand to help Allie up. She eagerly took his hand, noticing immediately how large his hand was and how strong of a grip he had. _

_She was about to introduce herself when his cell phone beeped. He glanced at the phone for a second. "If you have everything, I'm gonna head up to my office for a meeting. Good luck on your first day." He gave her a final smile before starting to walk away. _

_Allie stared after her Knight in Shining Armor with stars in her eyes, unable to move._

* * *

><p>"And that was it. I went back upstairs, only to find that the man who helped me was my boss. Right from the start, he was so sweet," Allie said, snapping out of her reverie to look at her therapist.<p>

"I see. Now how was your working relationship with him?" Dr. Richards asked, scribbling furiously on a notepad.

"He was the best boss. Finn was so funny and kind. Santana treats her secretary like a possession, but Finn never did that. He always brought me flowers on my birthday or Secretary's Day and often asked my opinion about things." Allie smiled, thinking of the petals she'd saved and dried from those bouquets hidden in a box in her apartment.

"Why don't we fast forward a few years? So he brings you flowers, but did you ever see him with anyone?"

"No," Allie said firmly. "I'd hear him talking about a date with Artie and Mike once in a while, but there was never anyone serious, except for Crazy Claire."

"Who's Crazy Claire?"

"Crazy Claire was someone he was set up on a blind date with. She was insane. She'd call constantly, every few minutes actually, wanting to speak to Finn. I filled up a whole memo pad with her messages and she kept coming to the office. Finn finally asked me to help him. He needed me to run interference for him, which I was only too glad to do. Claire certainly didn't deserve anyone as wonderful as Finn." She shuddered at the memory, remembering all the lies she told Claire. "Finn was so grateful, he bought me lunch."

She looked at the therapist, her eyes slightly misty. "And that's how it always was, he _needed_ me."

"So all this time you're working with him, he's always single," the therapist said thoughtfully. "When did you first hear about Rachel?"

Allie gave an involuntary shiver at the name, not wanting to talk about that day. Knowing the therapist was going to keep questioning until she got the story out, she reluctantly thought back to that Friday. "Well, it was a Friday and Finn had had a big meeting the night before…" Her eyes lost focus again as she recalled the memory of that day.

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><p><em>Allie watched enviously as Mike and Artie went into Finn's office, wishing she had an excuse to go in there too. Finn had been in a particularly cheerful mood this morning when he'd arrived at the office, whistling softly as he greeted her and strolled into his office, turning around to ask her to call Mike and Artie to his office. She knew he'd had a meeting at McKinley's last night, she assumed it must have went well and wanted to tell them about it. Her eyes had followed him as always, noticing that he was wearing her favorite suit, the grey one with the deep blue shirt and matching tie. The sight of the expensive looking suit had made her wonder once again what he wore when he wasn't working. He was such a good dresser, she was sure that extended to his non-work clothing also.<em>

_From the vantage point at her desk, she could see the three of them staring at something, although she couldn't hear what was being said. She continued watching out of the corner of her eye, while typing Finn's letters and answering the phone. She was just taking a message when she noticed Artie knock something off the desk, causing Finn and Mike to scramble to the floor, picking things up. She smiled, enjoying the view of Finn's rear in her direct line of vision. She momentarily forgot about the person on the other end of the phone call as she traced the outline of his butt through his pants. The sound of the person screaming hello through the phone brought her back to reality, and she finished taking the message, all the while keeping her eyes on Finn's butt as he discussed something with Mike and Artie. She began wondering what was under those pants, wishing she knew for the thousandth time if he preferred boxers or briefs. She had a suspicion that he preferred boxers, because she thought she'd seen a waistband once, but she couldn't be positive._

_"Allie! Get me the number for Rachel Berry at __Maquillage__ ASAP!" Finn's voice broke through her daydream, and she looked up to see Finn through the doorway, still on the floor and holding an envelope in his hand._

"_Of course Finn." She immediately turned to her computer, wondering why Finn needed this number. Maybe it was a new account. He hadn't mentioned a new account to her, but he was such a good Account Executive, Will was always giving him new clients. She scrolled through her contacts, not seeing anyone associated with Maquillage. She tried their website, but it was just a general website for readers of the magazine._

"_Allie, do you have it yet?" Finn called frantically. "I really need it. Just get me the number, I'll call myself."_

"_Not yet, I'm working on it," Allie called back. She quickly called information, getting the number for Maquillage. She dialed the number information gave her, asking for Rachel Berry's extension. Scribbling it on a piece of paper, she rushed into Finn's office. "Here it is." _

_She glanced at the three men, who were all staring at the envelope in Finn's hand. Her eyes quickly registered a woman's clutch on the floor. She shrugged, figuring it was for an ad campaign. _

"_Thanks Allie, you're the best!" Blushing at his praise, she watched as Finn eagerly took the paper from her hand, staring at it excitedly._

_Hearing her phone ringing, she reluctantly rushed back to her desk to answer it, waving at Mike and Artie as they walked past her desk. Since the person on the phone was Finn's contact at Under Armor, she connected him to Finn immediately, thoughts of Rachel Berry and Maquillage leaving her brain as she multi-tasked, daydreaming about going out with Finn and doing her work at the same time._

_She was just picturing Finn seated at her mother's Thanksgiving table, when she saw Finn emerge from his office. He paused at her desk, fiddling with the candy jar she kept well stocked with his favorite candy on her desk._

"_Hey Allie?"_

_Allie looked up, noticing a tentative, almost shy note in his voice. She watched as he stopped fiddling with the candy jar, beginning to play with Halloween decorations she'd placed around her desk instead. "Yes, Finn? Do you need something?"_

"_When someone sends you flowers, what kind of flowers do you like to get?" Finn asked, the words coming out in a rush._

_Allie was surprised by his nervousness. He'd had her send flowers to clients before, always letting her pick out the arrangement, since he claimed he was flower illiterate. The only time he dictated the flower choice was when it was for his mother. She mentally ran through important Finn dates in her head. His mother's birthday wasn't for another 3 months, so she was stumped as to why he was asking. He continued playing with the objects on her desk, picking them up and putting them down quickly, as he waited for her answer. "Well it depends on who they're from, I guess. I like tulips or lilies, but roses are pretty too."_

"_What about from a guy? What do you like then? " Allie's head snapped up in surprise. Was Finn sending her flowers? "What's this about?" she asked, a note of excitement in her voice._

"_I need to send flowers to a woman, but I'm not sure what to send." A blush suffused over Finn's face as he said these words. Allie stared at him, her mind going blank as she registered what he said._

_I need to send flowers to a __**woman.**_

_**A woman.**_

_He __**had**__ to be sending flowers to her. He was just trying to figure out what she liked. This was different from the bouquets he gave her for her birthday or Secretary's Day, this was much more personal. Smiling, she got out the catalogue of floral arrangements the florist had given her for easy reference. "Well, why don't we look at the tulips?"_

_Finn glanced at the tulip page, his eye roaming critically over each arrangement. "No. None of these," he said with a note of finality in her voice. She wasn't too upset; lately she'd been liking lilies better anyway._

_She was surprised when he rejected the lily arrangements also, as well as the orchid arrangements, muttering something about fun facts and British TV. "Why don't we look at the roses?" she asked, watching as he grabbed the book from her and started flipping through the book to the roses section._

"_There. Those. I want those," Finn said determinedly, pointing to an arrangement. She peered at the book, seeing that Finn was pointing to a bouquet of purple roses. _

"_Are you sure, Finn?" she asked. She really didn't like purple roses, so she was confused about why he was insisting on them. She liked pink roses or classic red ones. "They're purple."_

"_That's why I want them, they're perfect for her. I don't like that arrangement though. The vase is too professional looking. Ask the florist for something smaller and daintier. Maybe something like that one," he said, pointing to another arrangement's vase. "Or maybe forget the vase and just sent the flowers." He ran his hand through his hair, stressing. "What would you want?"_

"_I like that vase," she said shyly, pointing to a low square one with a ribbon wrapped around it._

"_Hmm." Finn studied the vase critically, getting the same look on his face as when he was discussing the layout of an ad with Mike. "Do you think it would look good with the purple roses?" he asked; a worried look on his face. _

"_Oh, yes," Allie said confidently. She'd always admired that vase. When Finn had her send flowers to client contacts that she liked, she always picked this vase to send the flowers in. Contacts that annoyed her or were rude on the phone got an ugly vase. Pleased that he was so worried about getting the perfect bouquet for her, she smiled at him as he once again stared at the book._

"_You know what? I like that one," he said, pointing to a tall oblong vase with a ribbon wrapped around it. "Could they put a purple ribbon on it?"_

"_Ok, so you want purple roses, in that vase with a purple ribbon." She emphasized the word purple, checking to make sure he really wanted purple. She didn't know where he got the idea that she was loved the color purple, she was more of a pink kind of girl, but if he was sending her flowers, she wasn't going to complain. "How many roses?"_

_Finn ran a hand through his hair again, pulling on it slightly, making it even more messy than usual. "I don't know, what's normal?"_

"_I think a dozen or two is good," Allie said, smiling at how cute he looked with his messy hair._

"_Then I want three dozen. No, make it four dozen," Finn said thoughtfully._

_Allie's mouth dropped open. Four dozen roses! No one had ever sent her that large of a bouquet before. "Are…are you sure?" _

"_Positive. Give me a few minutes to think of what I want the card to say, then you can call it in." Finn ran into his office, shutting the door, leaving Allie to stare giddily at the picture of the roses. _

_He emerged about 15 minutes later, handing Allie a piece of paper. "Here. This is what I want the card to say, and this is the address the flowers need to go to. Remember, four dozen purple roses and the ribbon vase. It's got to be purple roses, nothing else."_

"_Got it. It'll be beautiful," Allie said, smiling at him as he thanked her and headed to Artie's office, thinking that he must be sending the flowers to her apartment if he'd written an address down on the paper._

_Still smiling, she glanced down at the paper. Her smile faltered as she read the address._

**_Rachel Berry_**

**_Maquillage-32__nd__ Floor Suite 1289_**

**_4 Times Square, Broadway between 42__nd__ and 43__rd_**

_She dropped the paper in disbelief._

_They weren't for her._

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><p>"So that was the first time? Did you know that he had romantic intentions?" Dr. Richards asked.<p>

"Not until I heard the phone call. I walked in to give him a message as he was on the phone with _her._ The purse that was on his desk was hers and he was making plans to go out with her to a baseball game." Allie's eyes darted around the room, looking anywhere but at the therapist.

"And how did that make you feel?"

"I couldn't believe it. Right before _she_ happened, I felt like he was being more affectionate towards me, like he was on the verge of asking me out."

"Meaning what?"

"Well, one time, he placed a hand on my arm to get my attention," Allie gushed. "And another time, he stopped Quinn from commenting on my outfit."

"What happened next? When was the next time you heard about Rachel? And incidentally, I'd like you to start saying her name, instead of her or she," Dr. Richards instructed.

"Then next time I heard about _her_-" Allie started, pausing when she noticed the look Dr. Richards was giving her. "_Fine. _I mean, the next time I heard about _Rachel_ was when she called the office and Santana told me her plan the next day."

* * *

><p>"<em>Hey Allie, have you seen that contract for Adidas? The one from last year?" Finn asked, emerging from his office and yawned. "I hate working Saturdays, don't you?"<em>

"_Yes, it really sucks, especially if you were out late the night before," she said teasingly as Finn yawned again. "What were you doing?" _

"_Oh, I went to Game One of the World Series. It was awesome. Now, where's that contract?"_

"_Try the filing cabinet. If it's from last year, it'll be in that one," she said pointing to the cabinet on the left. She knew perfectly well what he'd done last night. She'd stayed home last night just to watch the game on the off chance he'd make it on TV. She was rewarded during the 4__th__ inning when he was shown just after a commercial break. Her joy was short lived when she realized that he sharing a pretzel with a brunette, a beer in his hand. She was glad she'd thought to record the game, this way she was able to pause it and stare at both him and her. She was tiny, with long dark hair and a large nose. She was clearly ill matched for Finn; she would barely come up to his chest. Allie smirked, feeling her own 5'8 frame was a much better match for him. He clearly liked dark hair, so she was good there, although that girl's hair was longer than her own. And her nose was much better than that girl's. _

_She'd spent a long time watching and rewatching the clip, trying to analyze their body language. She grudgingly admitted that they were sitting closer than normal, their shoulders touching as they shared the armrest, but she rationalized that by figuring they needed to be that close to share the pretzel. They didn't speak to each other during the clip, but she could see Finn's eyes flicker over to stare at her twice._

_Suspecting that this was the Rachel Berry of the purple roses, she'd gone to the computer to find out everything she could about the competition. She'd spent hours reading all of her "How to" articles, thinking that if Rachel wasn't her competition, she'd probably really like reading her column. Her suspicions were confirmed when she saw an image of Rachel at a charity event Maquillage hosted._

_She stopped her musings long enough to watch as Finn strode over to the filing cabinet, enjoying the view of his backside, today clad in the beige colored suit that she didn't particularly care for. _

"_Could you be more obvious?" Santana had hissed in her ear, startling her as she'd stared longingly at Finn, who was now bending over looking through a drawer of the cabinet. She'd been so engrossed in her musings and ogling, that she hadn't even realized Santana was there._

"_What...what are you talking about? Why are you even talking to me?" Allie had stammered. Santana had never talked to her before, Allie didn't even think Santana knew her name. Ever since that first day when Santana had been rude to her, she'd never spoken to Santana. She didn't really have a reason to, since Finn very rarely dealt with Santana, but she did enjoy talking to Santana's poor secretary, since it gave her a reason to talk and brag about Finn and how great he was._

"_I mean the fact that you have a thing for Finnocence over there," Santana had stated in an almost bored tone as she examined her nails. "I'm talking to you because I like you and want to help you, even if you have horrible taste in men."_

"_Do you think he knows?" Allie had asked in horror, looking from Santana to Finn, who was still looking for that contract. She thought she'd done such a good job concealing her feelings for Finn. She wanted him to realize his feelings for her and act on them before she displayed her own emotions._

"_The whole office knows, except for Finnegan and his even stupider colleagues." Santana continued examining her nails before wiping an imaginary speck off of her immaculate blazer. "Fortunately for you, I'm in a position to help you."_

"_How's that?" Her gaze had shifted from Santana back to Finn, who was now busy texting someone on his phone, a smile on his face. She briefly wondered if he was texting **her**._

"_I've seen the way he looks at you. Think about it. Finnegan is trying to win the Puckerman account. If he wins that account, he'll be so busy, he'll __**never**__ have time to go to those little softball games he loves so much, let alone date you. If we can get rid of the Hobbit, he'll be free to date you and I'll gladly take the account off his hands if it will help the two of you get together."_

"_Really? He looks at me?" Allie was beyond thrilled. She knew those highlights she'd gotten would get his attention. She'd debated for weeks about getting highlights vs. dying her hair with Christina, finally deciding on the highlights because it would be more subtle. She figured he would notice something was different, but would be unable to pinpoint what, forcing him to stare at her for long periods of time._

"_Quinn and I have both noticed him staring. We were just talking about what a great couple you and Finn would make," Santana said. Allie stared, feeling as if she was about to float away. She knew it. It wasn't just her that thought they'd be good together. Santana was conceited and totally into herself, but even she'd noticed._

"_Here's what you need to do. Do whatever I tell you from now on, and he'll be yours. I'm going to the meeting now, but I'll be back. If Rachel or anyone from Maquillage calls while we're in there, make sure you interrupt, ok?" She gave Allie's shoulder a squeeze before heading off to the meeting._

"_Got it," Allie said, still in a daze from Santana's news._

_Turning on her iHome, she set her iPod to play the playlist of songs she was considering to be her and Finn's First Dance song at their wedding. The first song began playing as she sat down to start her typing. Humming softly to herself, she mulled over the song trying to decide if it was worthy of being her and Finn's song. Deciding it wasn't, she moved onto the next song, resuming her work amid her contemplation._

_The phone interrupted her thoughts. Still thinking about the song, she picked up the phone. "Finn Hudson's office, Allie speaking."_

"_Hi, this is Rachel Berry. Is Finn available to talk by any chance?" a high pitched voice asked through the phone._

_Allie bristled at the voice of the enemy, annoyed at the way Rachel asked for Finn as if they'd known each other forever. She was about to say no he wasn't available and hang up, when she remembered Santana's instructions. "Hold on one moment. He's in a meeting right now, I'll see if he can leave it."_

"_Oh no, you don't need to do that if he's in a meeting. He can call me after the meeting," Rachel said hurriedly._

"_Nonsense. I'll go get him." Quickly, before Rachel could say anything else, Allie put Rachel on hold, heading down to the conference room._

_"Excuse me, Mr. Schuester?" Allie timidly made her presence known, knocking softly on the door. She hated interrupting these kinds of meetings, when all the partners and executives were there. Her eyes immediately found Finn, sitting on the far side of the table next to Mike. Santana was seated on the same side of the table, staring at Allie, encouraging her to go on._

_"Yes, Allie what is it? We're very busy here," Will replied, clearly irritated, which just made Allie more nervous._

_"It's just that there's a phone call for Finn," she stammered, watching as Finn stared up in surprise. She could tell by the way he raised his eyebrows that he wasn't thrilled she'd interrupted the meeting. She knew as well as he did that Will did not like anyone taking phone calls during meetings._

_"Allie, take a message and tell them I'll call back later," Finn said, throwing a glance at Will before turning his attention back to her._

_"It's __Rachel__." At those words, the entire conference room went silent. Santana and Quinn exchanged glances, as did Mike and Artie. Finn himself looked at Will, silently asking permission to take the call. Allie, confused by the reaction her announcement got, simply stared at Finn._

_"Fine. Take the call, but be very quick about it." Will turned his attention back to the rest of the group, ready to carry on his meeting. Unfortunately for him, everyone was focused on Finn, who had just reached for the telephone._

_Allie, wishing she could stay and hear the conversation like everyone else, managed to hear him say hello to Rachel before she shut the door and headed back to her desk, ready to resume picking out a song for her and Finn._

_She knew the meeting was over when she saw Mike, Artie, and Finn head into Mike's office, discussing the game last night. She watched them pass, staring at Finn's retreating figure as she finished her typing._

"_You really need to stop staring at him. It's just desparate." She jumped as she heard Santana's voice in her ear._

"_I..I wasn't staring."_

_Santana rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Wipe the drool off your mouth and look at this." She shoved a piece of paper into Allie's hand. "Here's what you need to do. Go to this address tonight, and do everything that I wrote on this card. You do this, and Rachel's gone by tomorrow."_

"What was on the card?"

"Hmm? Oh, directions to a Karaoke bar and instructions on what to do once I got there," Allie said, drawn out of her reminiscing.

"And what were the instructions?"

"I needed to go over to their table and start talking to them. Santana was going to call to distract Finn and I had certain things to say to Rachel. Things that didn't work," Allie added bitterly. Sighing, she continued her tale.

_Allie had stayed by the bar, nursing a beer. She wasn't really a beer drinker, but she'd noticed that Finn always drank this kind of beer at office parties, so she decided to try to like it for him. She'd seen Rachel come in and settle at a table, sending death glares in Rachel's direction. Finn came in about 15 minutes later, looking handsome in a pair of jeans and grey, man version of a cowl-necked sweater. He looked around for a moment, scanning the bar area. Part of Allie hoped that he'd notice her and come over, immediately forgetting about his plans with Rachel, so she wouldn't have to go through with Santana's plan, but she knew that wasn't realistic. His eyes continued scanning the room, lighting up when he noticed Rachel sitting at a table. _

_Allie seethed; Rachel hadn't even noticed that Finn was here yet. He was clearly excited to see her for some reason, and she didn't even know he'd arrived while Allie had noticed him instantly. She gave them a few minutes before she went over and interrupted them. She quickly texted Santana to let her know to call in a few minutes before getting off her stool and heading to their table._

_"Finn? Is that you?" Allie asked, as if she didn't know._

_"Oh, hey Allie. Ray, this is Allie, my secretary. Allie, Rachel." Allie got her first up close and in person look at Rachel, pleased to see that her earlier observations from the TV were spot on. She eyed Rachel's white dress with green, yellow and blue stripes on it, a blue cardigan over the dress, feeling that Rachel looked like she was getting ready to take her school photo. Allie had spent hours agonizing over what to wear tonight, finally deciding that a trip to Forever 21 was in order. The skirt she'd bought showcased her legs perfectly and the halter top showed just enough cleavage, something she was never able to do at work. She was pleased to see cleavage was another area where she had Rachel beat._

_"Hello, Allie, it's so nice to meet you in person. I think we spoke on the phone today. Would you like to join us?" Rachel gestured to the empty chair next to her._

_Ugh. This girl was so fake. She was glad Finn didn't pick her vase now. She totally wasn't worthy of Allie's favorite vase._

_"Oh, I couldn't impose. I just came to say hello on my way to the bar. It's so rare to see Finn out and about. He's __always__ working," Allie punctuated this statement with a roll of her eyes, just like Santana said to. She wasn't going to tell Rachel that she liked when Finn worked, since it meant that she had to work too, and then she could spend time staring at him, especially since Santana had called her a freak after she'd shared that info with her._

_"I'm not always working!" Finn protested. As if on cue, his cell phone rang. She watched knowingly as he glanced at the ID screen. He smiled apologetically at Rachel and stood up. "Rachel, I'm sorry, but I have to take this, it's work. It'll only be minute." Rachel nodded and smiled._

_"Don't worry Finn. I'll keep Rachel company." Allie made herself comfortable in the chair Finn had vacated, thrilled that it was still warm from him. Already preoccupied with his phone, Finn nodded and walked away, Allie discreetly checking him out._

_She turned her attention back to Rachel, completely forgetting what Santana said she should say._

_"So, how long have you worked with Finn?" Rachel asked, trying to start a conversation. Rachel's lame comment jarred her memory and she gave her a phony smile._

_"Oh, about 3 years. Everybody just __loves__ Finn." That was 100% true. Other than Santana, she couldn't think of anyone who didn't like him, which was understandable, considering how perfect he was._

_"I could see that, he's very easy to get along with," Rachel said smiling, her eyes watching Finn speak on his cell phone outside, while throwing his hands in the air. Allie watched Finn outside also. Could he get anymore adorable?_

_"Oh, he's very popular around the office. Especially with the ladies, if you get my meaning. I can't tell you how many times I've had send flowers, sometimes to different girls on the same day. I've got the florist on speed dial." Allie laughed; purposely leaving out that the only females she'd ever sent flowers to were clients or his mom. She launched into Santana's script, which she'd memorized that afternoon. "Funny, I thought he was seeing Ana. I just made dinner reservations for them Thursday night at McKinley's. God, she's beautiful. I __wish__ I had her body." She peered at Rachel, noting with satisfaction that she'd paled. "Are you okay?" she asked with false worry, just like Santana had coached her to._

_"I'm fine," Rachel said, although Allie noticed she was gritting her teeth. _

_"Oh, there's my date! I have to go. It was so nice meeting you, Rachel." With that, Allie jumped off the stool and disappeared into the crowd. She smirked as she walked away. Her job was done. Now all she had to do was sit back and wait for Finn to come running into her open arms. She settled back into her seat at the bar, watching as Rachel downed her drink and then drank Finn's beer before talking to the waitress. Allie pulled out her cell phone, texting Santana and Quinn that Rachel had fallen for it. She watched happily as Finn came back, able to tell by their interactions that something was off, and that Finn was confused. _

_A moment later it was her turn to be confused, as Finn was suddenly up on the stage singing "It's Raining Men" instead of in her arms. At first, Allie noticed he was mortified and she tried to send him support with her eyes from where she was sitting. Unfortunately, he didn't look in her direction, choosing instead to look at Rachel. _

_Allie listened to the song, proud of Finn and his strong singing voice, but her confusion grew when Rachel greeted him after the song by jumping into his arms and kissing his face all over. Rather than be repulsed by her kisses, like Allie was, Finn seemed to be enjoying it, picking her up and carrying her over to their table while she continued to kiss him. She watched as Rachel sat back down in her own seat, talking animatedly with Finn for a few minutes before he got called to the stage to perform again._

_She continued to stare at Finn as he performed Barbie Girl, unsure of why he was picking such weird songs to sing when she knew he favored classic rock. Her confusion about his song choices was forgotten the second she saw Rachel attack him and jump into his lap to kiss him when he returned to his seat. From where she was sitting, Allie could tell that Finn wasn't reciprocating, since he was pulling his face away to say something to her and his hands were at his sides. She smirked, happy to see that Rachel was practically throwing herself at him, and he wasn't interested. _

_Her smirk quickly turned to a frown when she saw his hands come up and wrap around her waist. Her frown grew deeper as he leaned in close to her neck. She strained her eyes, wishing she had binoculars, because she couldn't tell if he was whispering something to her or kissing her neck. Rachel, the bitch that she is, must have known Allie was watching, because she turned her head at that moment, allowing Allie to clearly see that Finn was in fact kissing and sucking on her neck. _

_That was enough for her. Grabbing her purse, she ran out of the bar, not even bothering to stop the tears from falling. She tried calling Santana every few minutes, but she never answered. She hurried home, ready to cry herself to sleep._

* * *

><p>"What did you feel when you saw them kissing?"<p>

"I've wondered for years what his lips feel like, and she finds out after knowing him for a day and a half? That's not fair," Allie said bitterly. "Santana said it was my fault that her plan didn't work, saying I'd clearly screwed it up somehow. That's why she decided to go to the softball game. Well that and the fact that I had a class on the night they play softball, but that really was a mistake on my part. When I made my schedule for the fall semester, I forgot which days softball was. If I had remembered, I never would have scheduled my class for then, so I could support him at the games."

"Alright, so Santana went to the softball game. You didn't see Rachel until the Gala then?" Dr. Richards asked, trying to get Allie back on track.

"No, she came into the office that morning," Allie said, unable to keep the bitterness out of her voice.

"Why?"

"I don't know. Finn had been talking with Mike in his office…"

* * *

><p>"<em>Now you know why she's driving me crazy." Allie watched as Finn headed into the Break Room, calling that over his shoulder to Mike, who followed him into the Break Room. She wasn't sure who he was talking about, but she hoped it was Rachel. It would be understandable if it was, Rachel had been driving her crazy since the first time she'd heard her name. She typed a little faster, punching the keys harder, pretending that the keys were Rachel's face.<em>

_She was just proofreading her typing when she heard the elevator ding and looked up to see who was coming in. She grimaced as she recognized the annoying figure of the one and only Rachel Berry. Her eyes followed Rachel's every move, watching as she stopped to talk to Quinn's secretary, probably asking where Finn would be. Allie's suspicions were confirmed when Jeannette pointed in her direction._

_Quickly, Allie went back to proofreading, hoping that if she looked busy, then Rachel wouldn't talk to her. No such luck, since Rachel bounded over to her._

"_Hi Allie! Can you tell me where Finn would be?"_

_Reluctantly, Allie picked up her head, taking in Rachel's pretty red dress begrudgingly. She stared at the large bag slung over one shoulder, wondering what she could possibly need a bag that large for. It was practically the size of her. "Finn's not in his office right now, he's taking a break," she finally said._

"_Oh! Well that's just perfect timing then isn't it? Where would he be?" Rachel asked cheerfully, shifting the large bag on her shoulder._

_Allie thought fast. Finn had just walked into the Break Room, saying a female was driving him crazy. She knew it wasn't her, and it probably wasn't his mom, which left Rachel as the most likely suspect. If she sent Rachel into the Break Room, Finn could get mad and dump her, which would be good for Allie. On the other hand, if it wasn't Rachel who was driving him crazy, she'd be giving Rachel the opportunity to get kissed by Finn again, which would be bad for Allie. She decided to go with option one. "He's in the Break Room with Mike and Artie," she replied pointing the way, wishing she could be a fly on the wall to see what happened in there. She rolled her eyes as Rachel bounced happily over to the Break Room door._

_She looked up a few minutes later as Mike and Artie emerged from the Break Room, hysterically laughing as they ran to their offices. Finn and Rachel emerged a minute or two later, Rachel now holding a little Chihuahua in her arms. Envious, Allie watched as Finn placed his hand on the small of Rachel's back, guiding her toward the elevator._

_"I really need to get back to work now, but I'll see you at the game, right?" Finn asked as he pressed the down button and rubbed the head of the Chihuahua._

_"Of course Finn. I can't wait!" Allie saw Rachel glance in her direction. Allie ducked her head down, embarrassed at having been caught staring. Her head still down, she peeked over in their direction again, just in time to see Rachel pull Finn down for a kiss before stepping into the elevator._

* * *

><p>"Bitch."<p>

"Excuse me?" Dr. Richards asked.

"I said, Bitch. I meant Rachel was one, because I know she kissed him in front of me on purpose. She looked at me just before she did it," Allie explained, crossing her arms.

"How do you know that she just wasn't checking to make sure no was looking? Maybe Rachel didn't want to embarrass Finn at his workplace," Dr. Richards pointed out.

"I doubt it. Rachel's not that thoughtful," Allie insisted stubbornly, rubbing her eyes tiredly.

Dr. Richards glanced at the clock. "You know, I think that's enough for today. Next time we'll talk about what happened at the Gala. Why don't you go home and get your mind off of Finn? I want you to focus the energy that you would normally use to think about Finn on a new hobby. Didn't we talk last time about you joining a dance class and meeting new people? You went the other day right? Did you meet anyone?"

"Well, there was this guy named Joe at my last class. He seemed ok, although he used a really lame pickup line that Finn would never ever say."

"Don't compare every guy you meet to Finn, remember? Did you talk to Joe?" Dr. Richards encouraged.

"He gave me his number, but I haven't called him," Allie admitted reluctantly.

"Then maybe you should consider doing that tonight," Dr. Richards said, scribbling something on her notepad.

"But what if Finn needs-" Allie started to say, but was immediately cut off by the therapist holding up a hand.

"No. If he needs anything, he's going to ask Rachel, you and I both know that," Dr. Richards said firmly. She looked at Allie's crestfallen face, continuing in a gentler voice. "Maybe Joe will need you like Finn needs Rachel."

"Maybe," Allie said thoughtfully as she stood up. "Thanks, Dr. Richards. I'll see you next week."

Allie walked out the door, considering the possibility of calling Joe.

Maybe, just maybe, she could be his Rachel.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: A lot of people asked for the backstory of Allie and what she was thinking during the 10 Days, so here's part 1. These one shots are going to be jumping around in no particular order, just whatever I feel like writing about I guess. I have two more ready to go, but I want to update Serendipity and Puffygate first.**_


	2. The Vetting of Finn

**_Disclaimer: Glee is not mine. Only Vlad is._**

* * *

><p><strong><em>How could that beautiful woman with you<br>Be the same freckle face kid that I knew  
>The one that I read all those fairy tales to<br>And tucked into bed all those nights  
>And I knew the first time I saw you with her<br>It was only a matter of time_**

**_But I loved her first and I held her first  
><em>** **_And a place in my heart will always be hers  
><em>** **_From the first breath she breathed  
><em>** **_When she first smiled at me  
><em>** **_I knew the love of a father runs deep  
><em>** **_And I prayed that she'd find you someday  
><em>** **_But it's still hard to give her away  
><em>** **_I loved her first_**

-**_Heartland, "I Loved Her First" _**

* * *

><p>Finn sank into his chair, running a hand through his hair. He loved his job, he really did, but this was one of those days where he wanted nothing more than to go home, sink onto the couch with a beer and watch TV with Vlad. He and Artie had had three back to back meetings with clients determined to be difficult this morning, followed by an Executive meeting with Will. He'd had to spend his lunch hour returning an endless pile of phone messages his secretary had left on his desk because he'd had no time this morning.<p>

He eyed his schedule warily. The afternoon wasn't looking promising, with 2 more meetings and a pitch on the agenda.

He groaned as his phone rang. Hoping it wasn't the clients from this morning, he tentatively picked up the phone. "Finn Hudson."

_"Finny, are you ok? You sound tired."_ Rachel's worried voice came through the phone, automatically making Finn smile.

"Hey, babe. I'm fine, just super busy."

_"Oh, well I won't keep you; I just wanted to let you know about tonight."_

"What's going on tonight?" Finn asked, mentally going through everything Rachel had mentioned in the last couple of days. "Oh yeah, aren't you supposed to be going to The Costume Institute with Kurt and Mercedes?"

_"They're still going, but I'm not."_ He thought he detected a hint of hesitation in voice, which automatically made him suspicious.

Rachel was up to something.

"Why not? You've been looking forward to going to the new exhibit. Kurt won't shut up about it." He frowned, wishing Rachel would just say whatever she had to say.

He heard her take a big breath. _"Okay, well you know how Dad and Daddy were going to come to the city next week so we could celebrate an early Thanksgiving, since they're going to California to celebrate Thanksgiving with Uncle Peter and Aunt Claudia?"_

"Yeah, and we were going to go to some restaurant, I remember," Finn said, shuffling through some papers he needed for his next meeting. He'd secretly been dreading that day, since it would be the day he'd meet Rachel's fathers for the first time.

_"Well, Daddy just called and said that he and Dad decided to come into the city today! Isn't that great?"_

"Today?" Finn asked dumbly, his papers falling from his hands.

_"Yes! They had a meeting with their financial advisor this morning, so they decided to see the new exhibit at the MOMA and meet with some friends. Since they're going to be in the city, I told them we could all have dinner together. They're so excited to meet you, Finn."_

"Today?" Finn repeated, running a hand through his hair. He was _not_ prepared to meet Rachel's dads, even though he could tell Rachel could barely contain her excitement.

Dads, as in plural.

He couldn't find a girl with only one father. No, the girl he was madly in love with just _had_ to have two, which meant that he had to go through what every guy went through when meeting a girl's father, only twice. Instead of one pair of eyes glaring at him for taking away his baby girl, it was now two pairs of eyes. He could handle it when he thought it was next week, since that seemed far away, but tonight was so _real._

"Finn, are you nervous?" Rachel's amused voice came through the phone.

"No, just busy." Finn gulped, hoping she bought his lie. "Artie and I have several meetings this afternoon."

_"Oh, I'll let you go then. I told my parents to meet at your apartment at 7. I figured we could have drinks while I make dinner. It'll be so much better than meeting at a restaurant. You three can really get to know each other."_ He could hear the enthusiasm in her voice, which only made him more nervous. _"I already went shopping, but can you pick up a Cabernet? It's Daddy's favorite. Oh, and I promised Vlad a bag of Snausages."_

"Sure Ray, no problem."

_"Great! You'll be home around 6:00 right? I'll see you then! I'm going to give Vlad a bath and try to write a little before they get here. Love you Finny."_ She hung up before Finn could respond, her excitement getting the better of her.

"Crap," Finn muttered under his breath, replacing the phone on its cradle.

"Problem?" Artie asked as he rolled in, briefcase on his lap.

"Apparently, I'm meeting Rachel's dads tonight. We're having dinner at my apartment."

"Good Luck, man. You're gonna need it."

* * *

><p>"Rachel?" Finn called as he walked into his apartment and threw his keys on the hall table. He was greeted by the sight of Vlad skidding down the hallway, his little paws sliding all over the place in his haste to greet Finn.<p>

Finn smiled, they went through the same routine every night. He scooped up Vlad, noticing how Vlad's fur around his neck was fluffed out like a porcupine from his bath, his blinged out collar nowhere to be found. "Hey Bud. Where's Mommy?" he asked as Vlad's tail wagged excitedly. "Rachel?" he called again as he put Vlad down. Vlad promptly took off in the direction of the kitchen, so Finn headed that way too.

His eyes softened at the sight of Rachel at the counter, singing along softly to the song playing on the radio as she cut up vegetables for an appetizer. She looked so right in his apartment that sometimes he couldn't believe that it was only a month ago that they'd reconciled.

He snuck up behind her, startling her as he wrapped his arms around her. "Hey, baby."

"Finn! You startled me! I could have cut myself," Rachel admonished as she turned and leaned her head against his chest, her arms snaking around his waist. "Did you get the Cabernet?"

"That's it? No hello kiss? No how was your day? Just '_Did you get the Cabernet_?' At least Vlad's happy to see me," he teased, looking down at Vlad who was standing on his hind legs, scratching at Finn to be picked up. "But being the great guy I am, I did pick up the wine and Snausages, which go spectacularly together, I might add." He started to lean down to pick up Vlad, only to be stopped by Rachel.

"Vlad can wait his turn." Rachel, a sultry tone to her voice, pulled Finn down to kiss him deeply. He reached under her butt to pick her up, letting Rachel wrap her legs around his waist. She broke the kiss to look into his eyes. "Is that a better greeting than what Vlad gave you, Finny-Bear?"

"Much." Finn leaned in for another kiss, hoping this would lead to the bedroom.

"Good. Go take a shower." Rachel unwrapped her legs and slid down Finn's body, patting his chest.

"What?" Confused at Rachel's abrupt mood change, he leaned down to pick up Vlad.

"Go take a shower. Dad and Daddy will be here soon." She turned back around and resumed cutting up vegetables, frantically tossing them into a colander in preparation for washing.

"Are you going to be joining me?" he whispered huskily into her ear. Her hair was pulled back into some kind of ponytail, giving him ample access to her neck, which he took immediate advantage of. Automatically, Rachel stopped cutting and tilted her head, closing her eyes in pleasure as he bit, kissed, sucked and soothed a spot on her neck until he saw he'd left a distinct mark.

_Shit_. She was going to be so pissed when she realized she had a hickey. He stopped his ministrations only to stare at her with his best bedroom eyes, hoping she'd agree to continue this in the shower.

The loss of his lips on her neck snapped Rachel back to reality and she quickly put a stop to their mini make-out session.

"No, I already had a shower, and so did Vlad. We have a lot of work to do out here." She took Vlad from him and pushed him in the direction of the bathroom. "**_Go_**."

Finn sighed. This was _not_ how he envisioned his night going.

* * *

><p>"Is she serious?"<p>

Finn looked at Vlad, who was lounging on Finn's bed, his squeaky newspaper between his paws. He'd come out of the shower to find a full suit laid out on his bed, Vlad next to it.

He'd just spent all day in a suit; he sure as hell wasn't putting another one back on. He glanced at Vlad again, who just thumped his tail once. "You know, you're meeting the dads tonight too. Aren't you nervous?" Vlad simply looked at him before he started chewing his paper. "I don't know how you can sit there and read your newspaper at a time like this, man."

He sighed. "Rachel? Can you come here?"

"What?" she asked as she walked in. "Why aren't you dressed?"

"What's this?" he asked, gesturing to the bed.

"Oh, while you were in the shower, Vlad and I picked out something for you to wear," she replied as she sat on the bed next to Vlad, gently tugging the newspaper from him. Vlad growled and grabbed his paper, stalking over to the other side of the bed.

"But a suit? _Why_? We're not going anywhere," Finn whined, prepared to act like a two year old to get his way.

Rachel took in the 28 year old year old man standing before her in only his boxers, part of her expecting him to start stomping his feet and throw a tantrum, while another part wanted to just jump him. "I chose this suit because it's my favorite and I like the way you look in it. Does it really matter if we aren't going anywhere?"

Finn ran a hand through his hair, trying not lose it. "Rachel. I spend all day in a suit. When I come home I just wanna be comfortable. Me in a suit is only going to add to my stress." Once again, word vomit kicked his ass. He hadn't meant to say that last part out loud.

"Stress?" Rachel was momentarily confused, before she realized what he was talking about. "You _are_ nervous! I _knew_ you were lying on the phone!" The look on Finn's face told her she was right. She stood up and wrapped her arms around Finn's torso. "Finny? Why are you nervous? My parents are going to love you."

"Rachel, it's bad enough meeting one father, but two is kinda scary," Finn admitted as he pulled Rachel closer, his eyes shutting as he felt Rachel's lips placing soft kisses on the bare skin of his chest.

"How is it scarier than me meeting your mom?" Rachel asked, propping her chin on his chest as she looked up at him.

Finn shook his head, feeling the loss of Rachel's lips on his chest acutely. "That's different Rach."

Rachel took a step back from him, slightly annoyed. "How so?"

"My mom wasn't staring at you the whole time wanting to kill you for violating her son."

Rachel burst out laughing. "_Violating her son_? Aren't you being a little dramatic?"

"You don't understand Ray. One dad is bad enough, but now I'll have _two_ staring at me and wanting to shoot me."

"Finn, I can assure you that both of my fathers abhor shooting of any kind." She stepped closer to him, and placed another kiss on his chest. "I know they'll love you, because I love you, but if it helps, wear what you want to be comfortable."

"Thanks, Rachel." Finn kissed the top of her head as he hugged her close.

"Just hurry up. Personally, I like you in the just the boxers you have on, but I don't think my dads will." She pulled Finn's head down to whisper seductively in his ear, "Despite the fact that you just gave me a hickey that I now must hide, if you promise to be on your best behavior tonight, I'll let you_ violate_ me later."

She turned to Vlad, calling, "Come on, Vladdie! Time for your dinner!" Vlad promptly abandoned his newspaper, ran over the suit and jumped off the bed, heading down the hall, excited by the word 'dinner.' Rachel looked back at an open mouthed Finn, running her finger seductively just above the band of his boxers as she walked past.

Finn stared after her, wishing the night was already over, his mind filled with images of things he and Rachel could do later. He was so lost in his daydreams that he failed to hear the buzz of the intercom. Only the ringing of the doorbell and Vlad's barking snapped him out of his trance.

They were here.

_"Dad! Daddy!"_

He could hear Rachel's excited squeal as he hurried to throw on the dress pants from the suit, figuring that he'd earn points with Rachel. He reached into his closet to grab a button down shirt, one that he knew Kurt hated, since apparently, grey pinstripes were not suited for Finn's skin tone.

He paused. Kurt was gay, as were Rachel's dads. Would they hate the shirt too? Would they judge him based on his shirt?

_"Princess! Where's this boy we've been hearing so much about?"_

_"Oh, Finn just got home from work. He'll be out momentarily, he had to shower and now he's changing. This, however, is Vlad."_

Judging by the ooohing and ahhing going on, Finn knew that Vlad must have slipped into Sweet Chihuahua mode. Evidently, Vlad was attempting to expand his fan base to gay males.

Hastily, he grabbed another shirt which was Kurt-Approved and quickly buttoned it, fumbling over the buttons. He ran to put on his socks and shoes, cursing himself for already making a bad impression. He could hear Rachel and her dads all showering adoration on Vlad.

Great. At this rate, they were going to like Vlad better than him. He slowly opened the bedroom door, feeling as if he was walking to his death.

"Finn! There you are!" Rachel exclaimed happily as she watched him walk into the living room, her hair now loose and hiding incriminating evidence. There was only one man with her, a tall greying Caucasian man with thick glasses, who sitting on the couch, holding Vlad. The dog was stretched across his lap, his eyes closed as Rachel's father gave him a belly rub.

He eyed Vlad suspiciously, noticing Vlad's rubber steak and the stuffed mailman his mom had bought for Vlad on the couch next to the man. The fact that Vlad had offered his favorite toys meant only one thing: the dog was clearly sucking up.

Crap. He noted with annoyance that thanks to Rachel, Vlad was now decked out in a striped doggy tie attached to a white shirt collar instead of his usual blinged out collar. He groaned internally. Finn had put the suit on like Rachel wanted, but he'd stopped short of the jacket and tie. The dog was more dressed up than he was.

Rachel smiled reassuringly at Finn as he came to stand by her side. Taking Vlad from her father, she began the necessary introductions. "Finn, this is my daddy, Hiram. Daddy, this is Finn."

Hiram stood up and smiled as he shook Finn's hand. "How do you do, Finn? It's a pleasure to meet you. We've heard so much about you from Rachel."

"All good things I hope." Finn smiled, relaxing slightly. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad.

"Dad just stepped into the bathroom," Rachel explained to Finn. Pleased that things were going well so far, she cuddled Vlad before placing him on the floor. "I'm going to check on dinner. Finn, can you pour the wine?"

"Sure. Mr. Berry, what would you like?" Finn asked, standing up to follow Rachel.

"Call me Hiram. Cabernet is fine."

"Coming right up, Mr…Hiram." Embarrassed, he fled to the safety of the kitchen.

"Was that so bad?" Rachel asked as she wrapped her arms around him. He put his own arms around her, letting her presence calm him.

"That's only one," Finn pointed out.

"Did you call him Mr. Hiram?" Rachel asked, giggling.

"Are you laughing at me?" Finn asked playfully, picking her up and depositing her on the counter. He tickled her stomach as he stood between her legs, his hands moving to begin rubbing her thighs under her dress. "It's. Really. Not. That. Funny." He leaned forward, giving Rachel a kiss after each word. Still giggling, Rachel placed her arms around his neck, pulling him closer for a deeper kiss. Her tongue had just entered Finn's mouth when he heard a noise behind him.

"Ahem."

Startled, Finn and Rachel both turned towards the doorway, where a large African American man was standing. Finn gulped, noticing how stern her dad looked.

"Dad! We were just getting the drinks. Cabernet for you, right?" Rachel asked calmly.

The man didn't answer, choosing instead to stare intently at Finn, who quickly removed his hands from under Rachel's dress.

Realizing that this was Rachel's other father, Finn stepped away from Rachel, helping her down from the counter. "Dad, this is Finn. Finn, this is my dad, LeRoy."

"How do you do, Sir?" Finn stepped forward to shake his hand, trying hard not to notice the '_I know you were just about to touch my daughter inappropriately'_ look LeRoy was currently sporting.

LeRoy shook his hand, still looking hard at Finn. "Son, are you aware that your shirt is on inside out?"

Mortified, he looked down, as he heard Rachel laughing. Sure enough, in his haste to put on a shirt before, he'd put his shirt on inside out.

Crap.

He looked back at LeRoy, who'd noticed Vlad weaving through his feet and picked him up, petting him as he continued to stare intently at Finn.

"Excuse me." Finn bolted passed LeRoy and Vlad, who was now being rocked in LeRoy's arms.

Damn. Vlad was totally beating him in the "Win Rachel's Dads Over_"_ competition.

* * *

><p>Finn emerged from the bedroom a few minutes later and headed back towards the living room. Hiram, Rachel, LeRoy and Vlad were all seated on the couches, listening as Hiram filled Rachel in on what they'd seen at the MOMA today.<p>

He walked in and sat next to Rachel, making sure to keep a little distance between them. To his annoyance, Vlad was seated on the opposite couch, sitting upright between Hiram and LeRoy.

Hmmpf. Let Vlad just _try_ and sleep with them tonight. He was _so _getting locked out of the bedroom.

He jumped as he felt Rachel scoot closer to him and place a hand on the inside of his leg. "You forgot the drinks," she murmured quietly.

Shit.

"Hiram, you wanted Cabernet, right? How about you, LeRoy?" he asked, the words coming in a rush out of his mouth.

"Call me Mr. Berry, Son. I'll take a Cabernet also. And bring a biscuit for Vlad here. He looks hungry; I don't think you feed him enough."

"Right. Uh, Hiram, Mr. Berry, excuse me again," he said as he jumped up and ran to the kitchen. He leaned against the sink, trying to regroup. This was a _disaster_ so far. Rachel's dads probably thought he was a complete idiot, incapable of even dressing himself correctly, while Vlad was like perfection on four legs.

He felt something brushing against his legs, and looked down to see his competition. Finn bent down and held Vlad up in the air in front of him. "You win. They love you, man, which is more than I can say for me. What's your secret? Is it the tie? Should I put one on too?" He held Vlad close to him, letting Vlad's tail hit his chest. "Help me out dude." Assuming Vlad's licking his face was a sign that he'd help him out, Finn placed Vlad on the ground and quickly poured all the drinks, remembering the biscuit at the last minute.

Finn walked back into the living room determined to start over with Rachel's dads, Vlad on his heels. "Ok, Vlad and I have drinks for everyone. Hiram, here's your Cabernet. Mr. Berry, your Cabernet and the requested biscuit." He sat down on the couch next to Rachel, handing her a glass of white wine at the same time, still maintaining a slight distance between them on the couch. Taking his biscuit from LeRoy, Vlad decided to play nice and jumped up to sit on Finn's lap, dropping the biscuit on Finn's leg.

Rachel seemed surprised by the gap between them and scooted over towards Finn, who promptly shifted again. He could see LeRoy watching him like a hawk, the '_You're lucky I'm letting you sit next to my daughter' _look plastered on his face.

Hoping to distract Rachel from the gap between them, he turned to Hiram about to ask him a question, when he felt Rachel's hand reach over and start stroking his inner thigh. He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye.

Was she _trying_ to get him killed?

"I'm going to check on dinner. You three can stay here and talk," Rachel announced, removing her hand from his thigh with a final stroke.

_Great._ She was practically feeding him to the lions.

He watched her go, noticing how nice her ass looked in that dress. He couldn't discern a panty line, making him wonder if she was wearing a thong or nothing at all. He _hoped_ it was nothing, but he'd settle for that barely there black lace thong she had. He grinned, remembering that he'd get to find out which it was later on tonight.

He turned back to her fathers, one of whom was looking amused, the other looking like he wanted to take a hatchet to Finn's groin.

Crap. They totally knew he was ogling their daughter's ass.

"So Finn, where did you go to school?" Hiram asked kindly.

Finn relaxed a little. "NYU."

"Couldn't get into Columbia like our Rachel?" LeRoy replied, now giving Finn the "_You don't deserve my daughter and I'll prove it"_ look.

"Well, NYU has a really good Marketing program and business school," Finn explained, holding onto Vlad for support. LeRoy didn't need to know that there was no way he could _ever_ have gotten into Columbia.

"You graduate?" LeRoy barked. Finn stroked Vlad, thinking LeRoy could give Sue Sylvester a run for her money.

"Yes, of course."

"Degree?" LeRoy began firing off the questions as soon as Finn answered.

"Bachelor of Science in Marketing from The Stern School of Business at NYU with a specialization in Advertising and Promotion."

"Hmm. No MBA?"

"Not yet. I thought about it, but I haven't gotten around to it yet." He wasn't about to let LeRoy know that he had no interest in going back to school.

"You employed?"

"I've worked for the last seven years at Schuester Advertising."

"Doing what?"

"I'm an Account Executive in charge of sports, although I recently landed Puckerman Jewelers." Finn continued stroking Vlad, waiting for LeRoy, who was temporarily stumped, to continue his Third Degree.

"You have a Criminal Record?"

"Nope."

"You sure about that, Son? You look like someone I saw on _America's Most Wanted_."

"Um yeah, I'm positive. My mom would kill me if I was ever on that show."

"Smart woman. You have any kids?"

"No."

"Ever been married?"

"No. Never been engaged before either," Finn answered, anticipating LeRoy's next question, earning a smile from Hiram.

"Any roommates?" LeRoy asked, looking at Finn suspiciously, his face clearly wearing a '_My daughter better not know what your bedroom looks like' _expression.

"Only Vlad," Finn replied evenly, not falling for LeRoy's trap. No way in _hell_ was he going to be the one to tell Rachel's dads that she spent most nights at Finn and Vlad's. The nights she didn't spend there, Finn and Vlad would simply make the trek to her apartment. On the rare occasion when they spent a night apart, such as Guy's Night, they would stay on the phone until one of them fell asleep.

And he _definitely_ wasn't going to tell them that they'd had sex on the couch her fathers were currently sitting on two days ago.

Vlad, ever helpful, choose that moment to go over and begin humping his bear. Finn watched in horror as LeRoy and Hiram turned to see what Vlad was doing. Hiram seemed amused, but LeRoy turned back to stare at Finn with narrowed eyes. "This your influence, Son?"

Finn, horrified, could do nothing but stare at Vlad's tail bobbing up and down, finally managing to stammer out, "N-n-no. He's just obsessed with that bear."

LeRoy seemed satisfied by this answer, immediately shooting off another question. "You ever do drugs?"

"Uh, no." Finn's hesitation caused LeRoy to look at him sternly.

"What do you mean, 'uh no'? Have you ever done drugs?"

"Only once or twice in college at parties, but I certainly have never used drugs on a regular basis." Finn stammered, looking nervously between Hiram and LeRoy.

"How do I know you won't introduce my Little Star to drugs then? You hang around with drug addicts?"

Finn stared, racking his brain to try and figure out a way of this. As usual, word vomit had kicked his ass.

Hiram picked up on his nervousness and tried to help. "Now LeRoy, really. I happen to know that you dabbled in drugs in college too, and you're certainly not a drug addict."

LeRoy opened his mouth to respond just as Rachel came into the room. "Dinner is ready. Dad you aren't harassing Finn are you?" she questioned as she attempted to sit on Finn's lap. Finn recognized what she was about to do and quickly stood up, causing Rachel to sit abruptly on the couch.

Rachel gave him a strange look as she stood up and took his hand to lead him towards the table, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze. He noticed LeRoy watching him, his gaze fixed on their intertwined hands.

* * *

><p>They managed to make it through the salad without LeRoy interrogating Finn, due to Rachel telling her fathers about her novel. "It's going really well; I'm halfway done with it, actually. Finn inspired the story, and once I started, the words just flowed out of me." She leaned over to caress Finn's cheek.<p>

Finn, feeling it was best to subscribe to the _'both hands visible on the table at all times'_ theory, simply smiled at her as he felt LeRoy's watchful gaze on him.

"But how are you able to support yourself? What about rent and insurance?" Hiram asked worriedly. LeRoy continued to glower at Finn, who'd dared to rest his hand on the back of Rachel's chair, both hands still in view.

"Oh, don't worry. I've been writing some freelance articles for a couple of different magazines, so I have some income."

"So you sit alone all day writing?"

"Oh, I'm not alone. I have Vlad with me," Rachel said cheerily, leaning down to pet the Chihuahua who had just wandered into the room fresh off a power nap in his castle.

"I thought he lived _here,_" LeRoy barked, throwing a suspicious glance at Finn.

"He does," Rachel replied, glancing between Finn and her dad. She noticed Finn looked slightly pale.

"So you're telling me you come over here every day to sit with a dog while you write?"

Still keeping both hands in view, Finn used his foot to apply light pressure to Rachel's foot, hoping she'd understand what he was trying to convey.

She seemed to understand, because he heard her say, "Oh, not always. A lot of times, I pick him up and we'll go to my apartment or to the park."

A total lie, since he knew that she liked to write from the comfort of his bed, often while wearing his shirt and nothing else, claiming his shirts provided her with inspiration. He liked when he came home and found her on his bed and wearing his shirt, because it usually meant that she'd written a lot and would allow herself to be distracted by him and his hands. He'd learned the hard way that if she was sitting on his bed fully clothed in front of her laptop, it meant she had writer's block and he'd best stay away.

LeRoy dropped it for now, throwing yet another '_you better not know what my daughter looks like naked' _look at Finn as he excused himself to go to the bathroom.

Finn relaxed as he watched him go, his hand automatically dropping below the table to find the hem of Rachel's dress. He stroked the smooth skin just in front of it before allowing his hand to travel under the hem, heading towards her inner thigh. He saw Rachel smile in contentment out of the corner of his eye as he conversed easily with Hiram. "Did Rachel tell you she learned to water ski?"

"No! Really Princess?" Hiram exclaimed, impressed. "When?"

"We went to Finn's parent's house for the weekend. Finn taught me," Rachel announced proudly, her hand coming up to play with the hair on the back of Finn's neck.

"She was a natural, Hiram. I wish you could have seen her," Finn added, kissing Rachel's temple softly. Hiram watched their interactions, joy flowing throughout his body as he saw how happy his daughter was.

Finn's hand flew back above the table as he heard footsteps coming down the hall. LeRoy sat back down at the table, ready to resume his vetting of Finn, having thought of a fresh round of questions in the bathroom. He did a quick check of Finn's hands before beginning.

"So Finn, how many relationships have you had?" LeRoy asked bluntly.

"Dad, is this really necessary?" Rachel gave her father her best wide eyed look.

"Of course it is. Don't give me that look, Princess," LeRoy answered before fixing his gaze on Finn expectantly.

"Finn and I have already discussed this. He's had three relationships, including his high school girlfriend. Now can we move on?" Rachel answered for Finn, weaving her arm through his and intertwining their fingers on the table.

"Fine. Have you ever gotten an STD from these three relationships?"

"Dad!" Rachel cried, horrified. She looked at Hiram, who looked just as embarrassed. "Daddy, make him stop!"

Hiram appealed to his partner. "LeRoy, that is in no way, shape or form,_ any_ of your business. That's a personal matter."

LeRoy continued on undaunted, his eyes still staring at Finn. "Very well."

Finn looked down at his hand, Rachel's fingers gripping his tightly. He squeezed her fingers, trying to both calm and reassure her. It worked; he could feel her loosening her grip. "I'm going to get the main meal," she announced brightly.

"I'll help you, Princess," Hiram jumped up, clearing the empty salad bowls off the table.

Great. Finn was left with LeRoy and his death glares. Even Vlad had deserted him, choosing to follow Rachel into the kitchen.

LeRoy took advantage of the opportunity to go in for the kill. "Son, what are your intentions?"

"Ex-excuse me?" Finn stammered, wishing someone, anyone, would come back from the kitchen.

"What are your intentions in regards to my daughter?"

"I don't understand."

"Is your aim simply to seduce her and then dump her? Is this part of that bet I read about?" LeRoy demanded.

"Rachel and I have discussed that in depth. She knows how I feel about her," Finn said, horrified that LeRoy was bringing up that stupid bet.

"Does she? How does she know that you're not lying to her?"

"She knows," Finn replied simply.

"But how do I _know_ that? What guarantee do I have that you won't hurt my Little Star?" LeRoy boomed, glaring across the table at Finn. "All I know is that since she's met you, she's become the subject of a bet, unemployed and now has a dog for a best friend. Not to mention she's walking around with a hickey and being groped in the kitchen. Don't think I didn't see where your hands were."

"I, uh, I…" Finn stammered, his face turning crimson at the thought of LeRoy knowing about the hickey. "I guess you just have to trust me when I tell you that I'm not going to hurt Rachel."

LeRoy snorted. "Son; that went out the window when I read about the bet in the article, but I guess _you'll_ just have to trust _me_ when I tell you that if my daughter gets hurt again, I've got a shovel and thanks to my days in the army I can dig a man size hole in five minutes flat."

Finn gulped. "Look, Mr. Berry-"

"Dinner's ready!" Rachel exclaimed as she came in carrying a bowl. Behind her, Hiram, his hands encased in oven mitts, was carrying a lasagna pan. "Dad, I hope you were nice to Finn while I was gone."

"I'm always nice, Princess."

Rachel sat down, cutting herself a small piece of lasagna, followed by a large serving for Finn. "So Dad, how's the garden coming?"

"Excellent. The roses were phenomenal this year," LeRoy said, helping himself to some meatballs.

"Dad's always in his garden," she explained to Finn. "He loves digging holes and planting bushes and flowers." She took a bite of her food, unaware of the effect the words were having on Finn, who had paled. "Are you okay, Finny? You don't look so good."

"I'm fine." Finn quickly took a drink, trying to calm himself. Hiram seemed to like him, but LeRoy was out for blood. He needed to think of some way to get LeRoy on his side and _fast_.

* * *

><p>LeRoy was relentless in his interrogation of Finn. Over the course of the meal, they covered Finn's drinking habits, his credit history and his driving record. LeRoy was particularly concerned when he found out about the motorcycle.<p>

"You put my Little Star on a motorcycle?" he demanded. "How could you endanger her like that?"

"Dad, it's perfectly safe. I have my own helmet and I hold onto Finn."

"There's no seat belt?" Hiram asked worriedly.

"Daddy, don't worry. Finn's a _very_ good driver. He's even started to teach me how to drive it. It's a little scary, but I've been studying all sorts of books about driving motorcycles too," Rachel explained, smiling at Finn as she rubbed his arm up and down.

"Hiram, Mr. Berry, I know it sounds bad, but I've been driving it for years. I've even taken my mom on it," Finn added, hoping to move onto a different topic.

"Really? You never told me Carole's ridden on it!" Rachel exclaimed, trying to picture Carole on the back of the motorcycle.

"Yeah, when I first got the bike, she was very worried about it, so I started taking her for rides. She still isn't thrilled with me driving it all the time, but she does go on it once in a while." Finn chuckled, thinking of how hard his mother had gripped him the first time she rode it. "But just so you two know, I don't drive it from November to about April because of the weather."

This seemed to mollify Hiram and LeRoy slightly. "So Finn, Rachel says your mother is an RN?" Hiram asked kindly, deciding a change of subject was in order.

"Yes, she is," Rachel answered for Finn. "She just got an award, you know."

"Is that so? I hope you told her how proud you were, Son," LeRoy barked.

"Not only did he tell her, he sent her flowers and took her out to dinner, Dad," Rachel replied, again answering for Finn. "More lasagna, Finny?" Not waiting for his answer, she scooped a heaping serving onto his plate.

"What does your father do?" LeRoy boomed.

"Well, my father died in service when I was a baby, but my Step-dad now runs his own business."

"Your father was in the service? What branch?" LeRoy barked, for the first time honestly curious about the answer.

"He was a Marine. He was killed in action when I was a baby. I never knew him," Finn said quietly, feeling Rachel reach over and squeeze his hand.

"I'm sorry to hear that Son," LeRoy said, a tinge of sadness in his voice.

"It's ok. Burt's basically my father." Rachel squeezed his hand harder before dropping her hand into his lap to rub his upper thigh; a fact that didn't go unnoticed by LeRoy's all seeing eyes.

"You're an only child then I take it?"

"No, I have a step-brother."

"What-" LeRoy's next question was drowned out by a pounding on the door.

"_Hudson! Open up! Wait till you see what I got us tickets to!"_

Finn groaned, recognizing Puck's voice coming from the other side of the door. He had no idea what Puck was talking about, but he was sure it was going to lead to no good. He headed over to the door in trepidation.

"Bout fucking time, my clothes were going out of style waiting out here," Puck announced as he barged past Finn and walked into the hallway. "So check it. I scored us two tickets to the Ultimate Fighting Heavyweight Championship in Jersey. Berry gonna give you your balls back so you can go?"

"Uh, Puck, this isn't a good time," Finn said, trying to get Puck to understand by mouthing the word 'fathers', as he gestured in the direction of the unseen dining table.

"The fuck's wrong with your mouth? You banging Berry right now? That why she hasn't appeared yet? You two ever stop bumping uglies?"

Finn groaned; putting his head in his hand as Puck continued to make his way into the apartment, looking for any sign of Rachel. Finn followed, hoping Rachel's dads hadn't heard his comments. He caught up to Puck as he headed towards the table.

"S'up Berry?"

"Hello, Noah. You remember my fathers, LeRoy and Hiram," Rachel said, more than a hint of annoyance in her voice as she gestured to her fathers. A quick glance at Rachel told Finn that they had indeed heard all of Puck's comments.

He was going to _kill _Puck.

"Puck was just leaving, weren't you?" Finn asked, watching Puck greet her dads as he sat in Finn's chair and helped himself to some meatballs.

"The hell I am. I gotta have an answer, Huds," Puck replied cheerfully. "You in or out?"

"I'm in man, but-" Finn started, fist bumping Puck, who promptly turned to Rachel before Finn could finish.

"Berry, you gonna let Finn off his leash to come?"

"_Noah._ First of all, I do not have Finn on a leash nor do I 'have his balls' as you so eloquently put it. Finn may do what he wants and he knows it. Second of all, we are trying to have a _family_ dinner here." She glanced pointedly between Finn and her fathers, hoping Noah would get the hint.

He didn't.

"And what am I? Some fucking stranger off the street?" He helped himself to more meatballs, before turning to LeRoy and Hiram, ready to begin a conversation. "So LeRoy, Hiram, how you two liking my boy Finn?" he asked between bites. "What's your problem, Berry?" he inquired, noticing a strange look on Rachel's face.

"Don't you have someplace to be? I'm sure there's a girl waiting in a closet somewhere," she said, crossing her arms.

"Alright, Berry, I can see I'm not wanted. This is just like the time I came over and found you two-"

"_Noah!"_ Rachel screeched, her fork falling from her hand in a noisy clatter, halting his trip down memory lane. Her fathers did _not_ need to know about Noah barging in and catching a half naked Finn and Rachel about to have sex on the kitchen counter two weeks ago. "_Goodbye_, Noah," she added pointedly.

"Fine, Berry. Finn, I'll text you about UFC. Hiram, LeRoy, good seeing you again." He stood up, giving Finn a fist bump. "Later, dude."

Finn exhaled slowly as he heard the door shut behind Puck. He turned to LeRoy and Hiram, ready to resume the conversation about his family. All coherent thought left his brain as he took in the look on LeRoy's face.

"Son, would you care to explain Noah's comments?"

It was official. Puck was beyond dead.

* * *

><p>Thank God for Rachel, Finn thought as she sat next to him on the couch, her hand firmly intertwined with his. She'd managed to smooth over the whole Puck fiasco with some fast talking, pointing out that Noah's past run-ins with her fathers had gone the same way, always involving him talking about sex, making crude comments and she then deftly changed the subject before her fathers realized. Finn had been too horrified to do anything but sit there and marvel at Rachel's quick thinking.<p>

Rachel seemed determined to sit close to him, despite Finn's best efforts to keep the distance between them. Ordinarily, he loved it when she leaned her head against his shoulder as she was doing right now, but then again, he normally didn't have LeRoy's all seeing eyes across from him. Rachel may have smoothed over the situation, but Puck's comments seemed to have cemented LeRoy's negative opinion of him.

He could feel LeRoy's eyes boring into him, still watching his every move. He'd finally stopped with the interrogation, choosing instead to intently watch Finn's interaction with Rachel as he sipped his coffee. In the short time they'd been in the living room having coffee, LeRoy had watched as Finn made Rachel's tea the way she liked it without any prompting, seen Rachel finish Finn's sentence three times, and watched them sneak a kiss when they thought no one was looking.

Keeping an eye on LeRoy out of the corner of his eye, Finn glanced down at Rachel nervously, who still had her head on his shoulder, one hand intertwined with his while the other stroked his leg as she talked with her fathers. Her hand was unintentionally (or perhaps intentionally, he wasn't sure) coming dangerously close to a part of his anatomy he was _really_ fond of and would prefer to keep, and he could feel LeRoy's eyes watching Rachel's hand moving back and forth. Vlad, apparently feeling he had helped Finn enough, had grabbed his stuffed kangaroo and retired to his castle at some point during dinner.

It must have been a power nap, because Vlad presently emerged from his castle, his squeaky baseball bat in his mouth. He carried it over to LeRoy, dropping it at his feet.

"What's this, Vlad? Baseball season's over," LeRoy said, picking up the bat and making it squeak. Vlad, transfixed by the squeaker, sat in front of LeRoy, his tail wagging as he raised one paw in the air.

"Oh, he loves that bat. I bought it for him, since he's the mascot for Finn's softball team," Rachel explained, smiling at the sight of Vlad interacting with her dad.

LeRoy's head snapped up. "You play softball, Finn?" He threw the bat, sending Vlad scrambling after it.

"Uh, yeah. It's an office league," Finn explained, surprised at LeRoy actually using his given name, instead of calling him 'Son.'

"Finn's the Captain. He's their best hitter," Rachel said proudly, watching as Vlad ran back to LeRoy, dropping the bat at his feet again, poised for another throw.

"That right? What position do you play?" LeRoy asked, once again throwing the bat for Vlad.

"Shortstop, although I occasionally play third base also," Finn said slowly, immediately noticing the different tone in LeRoy's voice. Almost afraid to ask and push his luck, he looked at Rachel for a moment before turning back to LeRoy. "Do you play?"

"I did! I played in college on a frat league and then I was in an office league like you." LeRoy chuckled, his mind traveling back in time. Rather than bring his bat back to LeRoy, Vlad chose to jump onto Finn's lap, ready to chew his squeaky bat. "You wouldn't believe some of the antics the other teams pulled to win, Finn."

"I can imagine. We play Sylvester Total Fitness, and the owner is constantly trying to cheat," Finn said, elated at this turn of events. If he had known softball would be the key to LeRoy, he'd have brought it up as soon as he'd met him.

"She's awful. She's constantly demanding Finn be -" Rachel began, prepared to tell her fathers about the injustices Finn has endured at the hands of Sue Sylvester.

"Don't interrupt Rachel, it's rude," LeRoy admonished, turning his attention back to Finn. "Finn, I remember this one time, another team tried to bring in a ringer, who didn't even work at the company!"

"Sue's done-" Rachel tried again.

"Rachel, _please._ I'm talking to Finn," LeRoy reprimanded, causing Rachel's mouth to drop open. Finn noticed and squeezed her hand in support. "Now Finn, tell me. Do they still insist on having that ridiculous rule about the warm-up bats?"

"Yeah, it's still there. Sue Sylvester's always demanding my bat be tested for tampering, so I've actually been using a bunch of different bats just so I don't have to hear her."

"Hiram and I will have to come and check out a game during the season. When do you play?" LeRoy said excitedly.

"The games are-" Rachel began, prepared to answer for Finn.

"Rachel, I asked Finn. Please let him answer. You're being very rude to him," LeRoy said sternly, making Rachel huff in indignation.

"I think what Rachel was about to say was that the games are in the evening, usually Mondays, Wednesdays or Fridays, although some are on the weekends." Finn smiled at Rachel, who was still pouting on his shoulder. "Rachel and Vlad come to all of them. They're very popular at the games," he added, trying to help Rachel.

"I hope you weren't distracting Finn during the games Rachel," LeRoy boomed. "Now Finn…"

Rachel tuned her father out, pleased that he seemed to be warming up to Finn finally, even if it knocked her slightly off the pedestal her fathers held her on. She knew her father was giving Finn a hard time on purpose, but he seemed to be holding his own with LeRoy. She smiled at Hiram, who returned her smile with an understanding one of his own.

Finn looked down at Vlad in his lap as he conversed with LeRoy, running his finger between Vlad's eyes. The Chihuahua stopped chewing his bat to focus his bug eyes on Finn, who smiled back down at him. Forget what he'd said earlier about locking Vlad out of their bedroom tonight.

He totally owed the little dog.

* * *

><p>Rachel soon tired of the endless softball talk, and promptly left to finish cleaning up the kitchen, Hiram joining her.<p>

"Princess, Finn seems wonderful," Hiram whispered as he dried the lasagna pan Rachel had just washed.

"That's because he is, Daddy. I just wish Dad would stop with the interrogation," Rachel said as she rinsed down the sink.

"Dad's just worried about his baby girl, you know how he is," Hiram assured her, holding out the pan for her to put in the cabinet.

"I'm not a baby; he doesn't need to protect me. Poor Finn was so nervous about meeting you two, and Dad's just making it worse."

"Don't worry, Princess. Dad'll come around. It looks like he's already started," he said, nodding his head towards the laughter coming from the other room.

"Good, because Finn's not going anywhere," Rachel responded, her smile getting wider at the thought. "Carole really wants to meet you two, you know."

Hiram smiled at her. "I really want to meet Finn's family too. They sound lovely." He pulled Rachel into a hug, as the laughter rang out again from the other room, along with the occasional squeak from Vlad. "I'm so happy for you, Rachel."

Rachel smiled, hugging her father tightly; neither needing any more words to express their feelings. She looked up just in time to see Hiram trying to unsuccessfully stifle a yawn. "Tired, Daddy?"

Hiram yawned again as he broke apart from Rachel. "Princess, it's been a long day. Maybe we should head home." He headed back towards the living room, Rachel following, ready to collect his partner. "Are you ready to get going, LeRoy?"

LeRoy nodded and placed his coffee cup on the table next to his partner's. "Yes. Come on, Rachel, we'll take you home."

_Shit_. Finn froze, waiting to see what Rachel said. She'd already given him a small preview of what he could expect after her parents left as they'd loaded the dishwasher after dinner, while LeRoy was in the bathroom and Hiram was on the phone in the living room. If they insisted on taking Rachel home, he'd have to take a very _long_, very _cold_ shower.

"Oh, that's okay, Dad, I'm not going home," Rachel said smoothly, sitting back down next to Finn and replacing her head on his shoulder.

"Excuse me, Princess? The city is dangerous. I don't want you travelling the subway late at night by yourself, and you certainly aren't staying here," LeRoy said calmly, while throwing a narrowed look at Finn. He could feel all the progress he'd made with LeRoy thanks to softball, crumbling in that one look.

"Dad, don't be silly," Rachel said just as calmly, making Finn wonder how she was so calm. He could feel bullets of sweat appearing on his forehead, convinced LeRoy was getting ready to use his shovel on him. "Finn and Vlad will take me home later."

"Nonsense. I'm not going to trust my baby girl's safety to a man who can't even dress himself properly and a Chihuahua. Now say goodbye to Finn and get your coat," LeRoy directed as he stood up.

Yup. Finn was back to Square One. He eyed Vlad's castle, wondering what else Vlad had in there that could possibly help him.

"No." Rachel's face set determinedly as she sat up and crossed her arms.

Finn recognized Rachel's stubborn look and knew she was preparing for battle. While he'd rather the look be directed at LeRoy than him, he recognized an opportunity to get back into LeRoy's good graces. "Baby, maybe you-"

"I said, _no._" Rachel turned to Hiram, using her best wide eyed look. It was another look that Finn knew well and just like before, he was happy that it was directed at someone else, since it never failed to help Rachel get whatever she wanted from Finn. "Daddy, please make Dad understand that I'm twenty-eight years old and I will leave somewhere when I feel like it. Maybe I won't even leave until tomorrow morning," she added, throwing her own narrowed look at LeRoy, still slightly miffed at his treatment of her during the softball conversation.

Finn, now sporting a deer in the headlights look once her words had registered, tried again. "Baby, how about I-"

This time, he was cut off by LeRoy, who'd crossed his own arms, locked in a stare down with Rachel. "Son, you'd best stay out of this. I appreciate your effort, but this is between my daughter and I."

Crap. He was back to being called 'Son.' That can't be good.

Finn ran his hand through his hair as he leaned back on the couch, unsure of what to do or say. Things had been going so well, and now everything was going down the drain.

Hiram cleared his throat, looking from his stubborn daughter to his equally stubborn partner. "LeRoy, really. Is this such a big deal? We've been here all night; they've hardly spent any time together today. They're in love and want to spend some time talking."

"I'll wait." LeRoy continued his staring contest with Rachel. Finn looked from one to the other, clearly seeing where Rachel got her determination from.

"LeRoy, this has been a long day for you. Why don't we go home and you can have a relaxing bath?" he said soothingly, taking LeRoy by the arm and attempting to move him toward the door. "I'll put on CNN and you can listen to the Stock Market report or maybe there's a sporting event you can listen to."

LeRoy sighed and finally broke the staring contest, choosing to direct his next comments to Finn. "Son, I'm going to trust that you get Rachel home safely. Should anything happen to my Little Star, remember my words from earlier." Finn gulped, remembering LeRoy's shovel threats all too well.

LeRoy turned to Rachel, who now had a smile on her face, pleased at having gotten her way. "Princess, I will be calling you first thing tomorrow morning. Expect to hear my voice at 5 AM," he boomed.

"Now LeRoy, really. I forbid you to call before 11," Hiram said firmly, leading LeRoy towards the door again, Rachel and Finn following, hands intertwined and Vlad on their heels.

"Goodbye, Princess," LeRoy said, hugging Rachel.

"Goodbye, Rachel," Hiram said he hugged her quickly. "Finn, it was a pleasure to meet you. I look forward to meeting your mother." He shook Finn's hand kindly, turning to look at his partner expectantly.

"Goodbye, Son," LeRoy said gruffly, shaking Finn's hand quickly, before walking out the door, Hiram following.

Rachel stared after them, still fuming. "I can't believe him! He thinks I'm a little girl still."

Finn grabbed her face in a kiss, which calmed her immediately, since the feeling of his lips on hers made her lose all coherent thought. "Babe, I'm going to walk Vlad, but when I come back, I'm gonna hold you to your promise from earlier. There's a question I've been wondering about all night that only you can answer."

He winked at her as he grabbed Vlad's leash from the hook and blinged out collar, sliding the collar on to Vlad before snapping the leash to it. "Come on, dude." He traced his finger along Rachel's jaw line before he opened the door and stepped out.

Once the door shut firmly behind him, he hurried towards the elevator, hoping he'd catch Rachel's dads. He didn't see them at the elevator, so he grabbed Vlad and ran towards the stairs. He flew down the stairs, managing to emerge in the lobby just as Rachel's fathers emerged from the elevator.

"Finn! Is everything ok? Where's Rachel?" Hiram asked in a concerned voice, watching as Finn dropped Vlad on the ground and placed his hands on his knees, exhausted from his sprint down all the flights of stairs.

"She's…fine…upstairs…want to speak to Mr. Berry…" Finn managed to pant out.

Hiram nodded in understanding. "Why don't I take Vlad outside while you two talk?" He took the leash from Finn, quickly heading outside.

"What do you want, Son?" LeRoy asked, crossing his arms.

Finn straightened up to his full height, having finally caught his breath. "Look Mr. Berry. I get that you want to protect Rachel. She's your only daughter and you love her. But I want you to know that I love her also. I think I've loved her from the moment I met her." He ran a hand through his hair, smiling as he thought of that night in the bar. One look at LeRoy's skeptical face snapped him out of his reverie. "I told you before that you'll just have to trust me that I won't hurt her, but I think my interactions with Rachel prove that I won't. Did you know that I can't fall asleep without hearing her voice? Or that whenever anything happens, she's the first person I want to tell? I could be having the crappiest day, but one phone call from her; and my day instantly becomes better. You could drop me into the middle of a crowded room, and I'd still be able to find her instantly." He thought he was actually getting through to LeRoy, since the older man had uncrossed his arms and was listening intently.

"Hmmm. Well since you're a softball player, I guess you can't be all bad, although I'm keeping my shovel at the ready, Son," he threatened but his eyes had softened.

Finn smiled. It was definitely a small step, but he'd take it.

Hiram came back over to them, handing Finn Vlad's leash. "He's all set, Finn. Poor little guy looks tired."

"Thanks, Hiram," Finn said, chuckling as Vlad stretched and yawned.

"It was so nice to meet you, Finn." Hiram smiled at him as he signaled the doorman to get a cab before shaking Finn's hand warmly. "Have a nice holiday."

"You too, Hiram." Finn turned to LeRoy. "Goodbye, Mr. Berry." He held out his hand.

LeRoy stared at him for a moment before taking his hand. "Call me LeRoy…Finn."

"Thanks, LeRoy."

Finn watched them go out the door to the waiting cab before pressing the elevator button. The doors opened immediately and he strolled inside, still amazed at his success with LeRoy. He picked up Vlad, cuddling him to his chest. "We did it, dude! Grandpa and Scary Grandpa don't hate us. Mommy will be _very_ happy, which is awesome for me, but bad for you, since you'll be spending the night alone in your castle." Vlad didn't seem too upset by this news, since he was licking Finn's face as he talked.

Finn hurriedly stepped off the elevator; ready to see what the answer was to that all important question about Rachel that had been in the back of his mind all night.

_Panties or no panties?_

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: This particular scene is something I wish we'd get to see on the show, since I could see Finn being nervous and totally screwing it up._**


	3. The Battle of the Ladies Men

_**Disclaimer: Glee is not mine**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>The Bro Code Rules on Wingmen<strong>_

_**Rule 13**__) All Bros shall dub one of their bros his wingman._

_**Rule 62**__) In the event that two bros lock onto the same target, the bro who calls dibs first has dibs. If both call dibs at the same time, the bro who counts aloud to ten fastest has dibs. If both arrive at the number ten at the same time, the bro who bought the last round of drinks has dibs. If they haven't purchased drinks yet, the taller of the two bros has dibs. If they're the same height, the bro with the longer dry spell has dibs. Should the dry spells be of the same length, a game of discreet roshambo (rock-paper-scissors for bros) shall determine the right of way ... provided the chick is still there._

_**Rule 78**__) A Bro shall never rack jack his wingman. Rack Jack is to steal your wingman's chick. To commemorate and solidify the unbreakable bond between the Bro and his wingman, it is recommended that before going out, each face the other, place their left hand on the Bro Code, raise his right hand and recite the wingman pledge._

_**Rule 102**__) A Bro shall take great care in selecting and training his wingman._

**_-Barney Stinson, "The Bro Code," How I Met Your Mother_**

* * *

><p>"Dude, what the hell? What's with the Humper?" Puck greeted as he watched Finn stroll up to his table, Vlad in tow. "Why'd you bring him?"<p>

"I didn't have a choice. Rachel is freaking out about her book, has writer's block _and_ she's got her period. She kicked anything with a penis out of the apartment," Finn said as he sat at the outdoor table, looking down at Vlad, who was sniffing the ground around Finn's chair.

"People are gonna think we're fucking gay, dude! And by people, I mean the ladies," Puck hissed. "Who comes to Happy Hour with a _Chihuahua_? What kind of Wingman are you? I picked this table on purpose because the fucking hot waitress has this table."

"Whatever." Finn shrugged. It was fine with him if girls thought he was gay. He certainly hadn't asked to be Puck's wingman. He wasn't single and he definitely wasn't getting stuck with an ugly chick just so Puck could score with the ugly chick's hot friend.

He felt Vlad scratching at his leg and picked him up, letting Vlad sit upright on his lap. The Chihuahua stared at Puck, who was still bitching about Vlad's presence. "I mean really, a Chihuahua? You two couldn't have gotten a fucking Rottweiler or something?"

Finn stared at Puck. "Look, Vlad is a Ladies Man, but if you're so annoyed by Vlad's presence, _you_ call a very cranky Rachel and tell her Vlad needs to stay home, cause I'm sure as hell not doing it."

"Hell no. Do I look like I have a death wish?" Puck sighed, running a hand over his Mohawk. "Can he at least lose the bling?"

"Nope, otherwise he'd have no collar."

The hot waitress Puck had been eyeing came over at that moment, ready to take their order. "Ooh! What a cute dog! Is he yours?" she squealed, looking at Finn. Puck watched in disbelief as she quickly gave Finn a once over and gave him a wide smile.

_The fuck_? She hadn't even looked his way yet.

"Yes, he's mine. His name's Vlad," Finn replied, watching as the waitress oohed and aahed over Vlad while she petted him, knowing that Vlad was going to slip into Sweet Chihuahua mode.

"I'm Whitney. What do you two want to drink?" the waitress asked as she softly petted Vlad between his eyes, still not having looked Puck's way.

"I'll have the beer on tap," Finn decided, looking at Puck to see what he wanted.

"And I'll-" Puck started to say, but was cut off by the waitress talking to Vlad. He scowled as he realized she _still _hadn't looked at him and by 'you two' she meant Finn and _Vlad_.

"And what will Vlad have?" she cooed, rubbing his head. "You know what? I'll bring him some water." She hurried away, never having taken Puck's order.

"The fuck was that?" Puck sputtered as soon as she was gone.

"I _told_ you, Vlad's a Ladies Man." Finn looked down at the dog in his lap affectionately, scratching him between the eyes. Vlad stood up, placing his front paws on Finn's chest as he licked Finn's face, his tail wagging happily. His timing couldn't have been more perfect because Whitney the Waitress came back, carrying a beer for Finn and a bowl of water for Vlad.

And she wasn't alone. She'd brought the second hottest waitress over. "Look at him! Isn't he the cutest thing you've ever seen? And look at his necklace!" she exclaimed to her coworker, placing the beer in front of Finn as well as the water. Vlad immediately sat down, ready to be adored.

"Oh, he's adorable! Aren't you just the cutest thing?" the other waitress agreed, leaning over to pet Vlad, who thumped his tail happily. "His owner's pretty cute too."

Puck stared at the two women in shock, not quite believing what he was hearing.

"There's just something so sexy about a man out with his dog." She winked at Finn, slipping him a piece of paper. "I've got to get back to my tables, but call me. We can meet at the dog park." She gave Vlad one last petting before walking seductively away, Whitney right behind her.

"Dude, Vlad's totally rack jacking! I claimed that waitress!" Puck managed to say after several moments of simply opening and closing his mouth, temporarily rendered speechless by the scene he'd just witnessed. "And give me that!" He ripped the piece of paper with the waitress's number out of Finn's hand, putting it in his pocket.

"You're just jealous because Vlad's already gotten two girls _and_ a number, while you can't even get a beer." Finn smirked, rubbing Vlad's head.

"Fuck you. Like a Chihuahua could ever beat Puckzilla with the ladies," Puck boasted. "There's no way that overgrown rat could get more action than me."

"Wow, this beer is really good. How's yours?" Finn asked innocently, taking a sip of beer. Puck sputtered incoherently, managing only to give Finn the finger. "What happened to Quinn? Didn't she give you her number months ago?"

"Yeah, but we're both keeping it totally casual right now." Puck shrugged, a hint of annoyance in his voice. Their casual booty call arrangement had been awesome at first, but lately he found himself wanting more.

Finn stared at Puck, noticing the change in his demeanor. "You not cool with that? Why don't you talk to her about it?"

"What are you, a fucking girl? _Talk_ to her about it? You've been hanging out with Berry too much, dude."

It was Finn's turn to shrug. "Hey, talking's not such a bad thing…especially when you do it naked. Rachel likes to have cuddle time and talk after sex."

"_Cuddle time?_ When was the last time you saw your dick, man?" Puck looked at him, horrified. "It's official. You need to leave Berry and the dog at home and hang out with me more."

"Whatever dude. You're the only one at this table who's _not _getting any on a regular basis. Vlad's got his bear, and I've got Rachel. Who do you have?"

"Fuck you. I'm a stallion, I can't be tied down," Puck boasted, again giving Finn the finger as he glared at Vlad, who'd attracted the attention of a nearby table of hot Sorority girls.

_Sorority girls._

One of whom was currently making her way over to their table. He smirked at Vlad. He'd show that little Mexican Rat who the stud was at this table.

He winked at the Sorority Girl, who gave him a "_you wish_" look before turning to _Finn_. "Can I pet your dog? He's _so_ sweet."

Finn held out Vlad for the girl to take, going through the usual spiel of introducing Vlad. She immediately cuddled him close to her chest, Vlad closing his eyes in contentment, which made Puck seethe.

"You know, my friends and I have some room at our table, if you and Vlad want to join us," she flirted, batting her eyes at Finn.

"Sorry, I don't think my girlfriend would like that too much," Finn said easily. He looked at Puck, determined to be a good Wingman. "But Puck here is single."

The girl's eyes flickered over to Puck for a second, as her hands continued stroking Vlad. "You know what, I should probably get going. Classes, you know." She gave Vlad one last head rub before handing him back to Finn and returning to her table.

**What. The. Fuck.**

Was he trapped in some sort of strange alternate universe where chicks didn't find him attractive? Puck's mouth dropped open in amazement while his eyes narrowed at Vlad.

"Sorry, dude. That was a real burn," Finn said, signaling Whitney to bring a beer for Puck. He felt bad, his dog was totally kicking Puck's ass in the Chicks department; the least he could do was buy him a beer.

"The fuck? I'm not getting beat by a _cuddler _and someone who spends his days humping a stuffed bear." Puck's eyes narrowed at Vlad until they were practically slits. "It's on."

* * *

><p>This was <em>not<em> happening.

Somebody _had_ to be punking him. He watched in complete shock as yet another girl slipped Finn her number. Despite the fact that Finn told every girl he had a girlfriend, these hot chicks still insisted he take their number in case they broke up. One girl even offered to show Finn what he was missing in the bathroom.

What the fuck was his secret? He'd been out with Finn before, and he'd _never_ seen Finn get so many girls. Not that Hudson appreciated it; Berry had his balls in her grasp so tightly that he simply handed the papers to Puck. It _couldn't_ be the fact that Finn had a girlfriend. The girls throwing themselves at Finn didn't find out about Berry until after they'd come over to greet Finn and pet Vlad.

Could it be…_Vlad_?

Puck looked his enemy in a new light. Vlad was currently in the arms of yet another hot chick, his tail wagging as the girl rubbed his belly and spoke in a baby voice to him.

The dog was fucking _brilliant_. An idea began forming in his head, one that he'd need Finn's assistance with.

He waited impatiently for the girl to leave, tapping his foot against the table leg.

"What's your problem? You have to pee?" Finn asked, as Vlad settled back in his lap.

"Huds, I take back everything I said about Berry wearing the pants in your relationship. You are the _man_!" Puck exclaimed, reaching over and giving Finn a high five.

"Alright Puckerman. What do you want?" Finn asked suspiciously.

"Why the fuck are you accusing me? Can't I just be nice?" Puck asked, taking a sip of his beer innocently.

"Nope," Finn replied. "Now out with it, Puckerman. What do you want?"

"Your dog."

"_What? _I'm not giving you Vlad!" Finn cried; gripping Vlad tightly as if he was afraid Puck would run off with him.

"Relax. I just want to borrow him," Puck answered, rolling his eyes. "That dog is a fucking gold mine."

"Huh?"

"Geez, Finn. Did you honestly think these girls were giving you their numbers because of _you_? No wonder Berry makes all the decisions. _Vlad's _getting all those numbers, not you. I'm demoting you from Head Wingman and promoting Vlad. You will just be a bro from now on," Puck decided. "Now hand him over. The dog is a natural; I don't think he'll even need any training."

"Are you serious? You want me to whore out my dog to you? Rachel will kill me if she finds out," Finn stressed. She'd already flipped out on him today because he'd left the toilet seat up, and he really didn't want to give her another reason to yell at him. "Seriously dude, she'll _kill_ me and then use my body parts to kill _you. _Writer's Block plus Period Rachel equals Super Scary Rachel."

"That's why we're not gonna tell her. Keep your mouth shut during cuddle time and we're golden. Now give me the chick magnet," Puck instructed, holding out his arms for Vlad.

"Good luck, man. It _is_ a genius idea," Finn replied as he handed Vlad over to Puck. The dog immediately began squirming, trying to get back to Finn. Puck tightened his holding on the writhing Chihuahua, making the little dog more upset.

"What's wrong with him?" Puck asked, holding Vlad out at arm's length. The dog seemed to calm as he got closer to Finn, but once Puck pulled him back on his lap he immediately began squirming again.

"Dunno. Hold him out towards me again," Finn decided. Puck did as instructed, with the same results. Vlad immediately calmed when he got close to Finn and became upset on Puck's lap. "I don't think he likes you."

"What? Why wouldn't he like me? He knows me," Puck questioned, holding Vlad out experimentally, hoping for different results and frowning when he didn't get them.

"Exactly. Every time you come over, you torment him by trying to take his bear. Didn't he bite you when you tried to sit on the bear?" Finn pointed out, causing Puck to scowl.

"That fucking hurt." He rubbed his arm, remembering all too well the feeling of Vlad's teeth sunk into his arm.

"I bet he thinks your competition for his bear's affections. I think you're gonna have to bribe him," Finn decided, as he took Vlad back, who happily settled back into Finn's lap, eyeing Puck warily.

"Fuck him. I'm not playing by a dog's rules."

"Then he's not gonna help you." Finn shrugged, finishing off the beer Whitney had brought him without even asking. "He's easy to bribe. A couple of Snausages or a bone and he'll disappear long enough for me and Rachel to have sex anywhere in the apartment."

"Wait, you have to get rid of him to bang Berry?" Puck smirked.

"It's so stupid. She won't let him be there because he stares at her, and _'he's a baby, Finn'_," he mocked in his best Rachel impersonation. Finn rolled his eyes. "I'm the one who has to get rid of him every time and then let him back in after."

"Berry has you so whipped."

"Hey, if it means I'm getting some, I'll walk Vlad out naked every time." Finn looked at Puck. "Now you gonna make a deal with him or not? He's entertaining other offers, you know."

"You're telling me that if I buy him a bone, he'll help me?" Puck asked skeptically, thinking he must be really desperate if he was considering what he could possibly do to make Vlad happy.

"It's a start. Kurt had to buy him that blinged out collar, share his pretzels and buy him toys before Vlad would allow him to sit next to me or my mom," Finn said seriously.

"Fine. What do you want me to do?" Puck asked sighing.

Finn grinned, holding up Vlad. "Not me. _Him_."

* * *

><p>"Come on dude, just drop a deuce already," Puck grumbled, watching as Vlad rejected yet another spot. "The fuck he so picky for? A tree is a tree."<p>

"I don't know. He always does this," Finn explained, laughing as Vlad led Puck over to another tree, circling in front of it several times before rejecting it.

"How much longer? I already bought him a pretzel and he _still_ won't let me hold him yet." He threw another glare at Vlad, who'd let the retractable leash extend as far as possible so he could sniff a suspicious looking water bottle on the ground.

"I wouldn't piss him off," Finn warned. "If I were you, I'd keep sucking up."

His words of warning were lost on Puck, who was watching two women jogging their way. Vlad also noticed the two women approaching, immediately stopping his inspection of the water bottle and trotting out onto the path in front of the oncoming women.

"Dude, this dog is fucking brilliant. The chicks have already noticed him. I should have thought of this years ago," Puck muttered under his breath to Finn.

The two women, a redhead and a brunette, slowed down as they approached Vlad, who was doing his best impersonation of Puss n' Boots from the _Shrek_ movies as he sat blocking their way.

"Oh! Look at him, Tara! Isn't he the sweetest?" the brunette exclaimed as she bent down to pet Vlad.

The redhead bent down also, agreeing with her friend that Vlad was in fact, the sweetest, before beginning to talk baby talk to Vlad. Vlad permitted this for a moment, before standing up and weaving between Finn's legs.

"Your dog is adorable," the redhead named Tara said, as she stood back up. She laughed as Vlad began weaving between Puck's legs, causing the leash to tangle and tether Finn and Puck together. Not that Puck noticed; since he was too busy ogling the two women.

"Thanks. His name's Vlad," Puck said smoothly, seeing that Finn had opened his mouth to respond and beating him to it. He eyed Finn, willing him to go along with whatever he said.

"Vlad! What an adorable name! Which one of you thought of that?"

Finn stayed silent, placing a hand on Puck's shoulder, as he tried to focus on stepping out of the leash tangled around his legs and not having a lot of success, since Vlad was still weaving in between Puck's legs, tangling it more.

"I did," Puck responded. "I wanted to give him an unusual name." He ran his free hand through his Mohawk, his other hand dropping the leash handle.

"Yeah, he named him after Vlad the Impaler," Finn added unhelpfully. "He thinks it's a romantic name. He's very thoughtful and romantic like that."

Puck ignored that remark. "So ladies, now that you know Vlad's name, he wants to know yours."

"Oh, he does? Well I'm Amy and this is Tara," the brunette said. "How about you and your partner? What are your names?"

"I'm Puck," he said smoothly, still not noticing Vlad making an intricate web between his legs, which was now knotting. "And this is…wait, what?" He paused as Amy's words registered.

"Aren't you…?" Amy said tentatively. "I mean, his hand is on your shoulder and you're taking your dog for a walk."

"Fuck no! Hudson might be gay, but I'm not," Puck sputtered.

Finn smirked. This was too good to pass up. "How could you say that! I can't believe you're _still_ denying us in public!" he cried dramatically, thinking Kurt and Rachel would be proud of his theatrics. "You're sleeping on the couch tonight, _Noah_!"

"Right. Well, it was nice meeting you, but, uh, we've got to get going," Tara said quickly as she jogged off with Amy, leaving a speechless Puck and a hysterical Finn in their wake.

"_The fuck_? This is why you got demoted to Bro! Not funny, man! Come on, let's get out of here," Puck managed to spit out. He attempted walk off quickly, but Vlad's handiwork with his leash effectively rendered his legs useless and he fell forward. The force of Puck's weight tightened the leash around Finn's legs, and _he_ fell forward, landing hard on top of Puck.

"Get the fuck off me man! I'm not Berry!" Puck cried, trying to push Finn's weight off of him. He turned his head to see Vlad sitting next to his head, watching the two of them. He narrowed his eyes. "So that's how it's gonna be man? You work alone?"

Finn sat up, finally managing to free himself from the leash and stood up, waiting for Puck to untangle himself. He had more trouble than Finn did, since Vlad had woven the leash around Puck many more times than he did around Finn, and the subsequent fall made some more knots.

"Here. You hold Vlad and I'll work on the knots," Finn decided as he unhooked Vlad and handed him to Puck, who sat there scowling and holding the writhing enemy in his hands.

Puck launched into a running commentary about how Vlad violated the rules of being a wingman in front of those two women as Finn diligently worked to untangle the leash. He was just explaining the complicated system of calling dibs on a woman before Vlad does, when another woman stopped to admire Vlad.

"What an adorable dog!"

Puck looked up, ready to try Vlad out as a wingman again, when he suddenly went speechless. "Quinn?"

Finn, intent of getting the last of the knots out, looked up quickly. "Oh, hey Quinn."

"I didn't know you got a dog! He's so sweet!" Quinn leaned over to pet the Chihuahua, just as Finn managed to untangle the leash. Puck quickly stood up, holding the dog out to Quinn.

"His name's Vlad." He watched as Quinn eagerly took the dog, cuddling Vlad to her chest.

"Actually,-" Finn began, shutting his mouth immediately when he saw the death glare Puck gave him. He watched for a moment as Quinn stroked Vlad, who snuggled his head into Quinn's chest.

"So what's going on, Quinn?" Puck asked casually, wishing that was his head and not Vlad's resting on her chest.

"Nothing exciting. I'm working a lot, as I'm sure Finn is too." She looked at Finn for confirmation.

"Yeah, Quinn, about that. Vlad doesn't seem familiar to you at all?" he asked curiously. How the hell did Quinn not recognize him from when Vlad made his office visits? He thought back, trying to remember if Quinn had ever interacted with Vlad at the office.

"No, but I haven't seen Puck in two weeks." She turned to look at Puck. "Are you busy tonight? Maybe you, me and Vlad could watch a movie," Quinn said, batting her eyelashes at Puck.

"He's-" Finn tried again, only to be pushed by Puck.

"What Hudson's trying to say is that he's going to be banging Berry all night, so I'm free. Isn't that right?" Puck intoned.

"Uh, right," Finn rocked on his heels, afraid of where this was going.

"So you're free then! Great! I'll come over around 8 then. See you and Vlad later!" She gave Puck a lingering kiss before sauntering away. Puck watched her for a moment before turning to Finn.

"I gotta have that dog tonight."

"Aren't you forgetting one thing?" Finn asked as he snapped the leash back on Vlad and took him from Puck.

"What?" Puck asked; his mind focused on how quickly he could get Quinn naked.

"Rachel. She's _never_ going to let you borrow Vlad for the night."

"Not a problem. Didn't you say that Berry kicked anything with a dick out for the night?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Vlad will stay at my apartment and you're free to have cuddle time with Berry. Think about it," Puck implored.

"I don't know. Vlad's only ever stayed at my mom's, Kurt's or Artie's. He's never even been to your apartment," Finn said, doubting the wisdom of this plan. "Rachel's very particular about where Vlad goes. You're not on her list of approved apartments."

"So tell her you left him at Kurt's for the night."

"I'm not going to lie to her. We swore no more lies ever after the bet fiasco."

"Look. Tell her whatever you have to, but I _need_ the dog."

Finn sighed. "You're not going to drop this are you?" When Puck nodded no, he sighed again. "Fine. Let's go to your apartment."

* * *

><p>Each time Finn stepped foot into Puck's apartment, it always made him realize the changes that had snuck up on him at his own apartment and in his life<p>

Rachel, although she _technically_ wasn't living with Finn, had nonetheless managed to put a distinctly feminine stamp on his place. At first, he'd been less than thrilled when his Jets blanket disappeared and Rachel's bright pink fuzzy blanket took up residence on the back of his couch, but he got over it pretty quickly when he realized how _awesome_ that blanket was, particularly when they both snuggled underneath it. She'd gotten rid of the crazy stuff she'd placed around his apartment for that article but it hadn't escaped his notice that he was now the owner of something called a sham for his bed or that his bathroom had a distinct collection of girly shampoos and soaps, and the sight of a box of tampons and Vagisil in his vanity no longer freaked him out. He wasn't sure, but he thought his sheets were now scented, not to mention, cleaner. In fact, his whole apartment seemed cleaner. Slowly but surely, his apartment was showing signs that a _couple_ lived there.

Puck's apartment, on the other hand, screamed _bachelor_.

A large pool table and a pinball machine took up one end of the Living Room, while an immense flat screen TV mounted to the wall dominated the other side. Puck's various game systems were scattered on the floor in front of the TV, and there were several controllers lying on the black leather couch. The open floor plan of the apartment allowed Finn to clearly see a cleaning lady working on the dirty dishes piled in the sink and empty beer bottles and pizza box next to it. A light up neon bar sign in the shape of a pin up girl proudly flashed "live nudes daily" above the pinball machine and there were several framed photographs of scantily clad women hung up. As he always did when he went over to Puck's, Finn examined the photo closest to him, a photo of the Bensen twins, both of whom were in nothing but their underwear, their hands strategically covering their breasts. Perhaps because he now had a girlfriend, which meant he saw boobs on a regular basis, he didn't notice so much the girl's bodies, but instead noticed for the first time that it was autographed.

"Dude, you got the Playmates of the Year's autograph?" he asked in awe as he put down Vlad. Vlad, his nose going into overdrive from all the smells, immediately took off in the direction of the pool table, nose close to the ground.

"Yeah, my uncle provides the jewelry for Hef, so I got to go to the Mansion for a party. Wanna play COD?" Puck called over his shoulder as he kicked off his shoes and let them land wherever.

"Hell yeah, Rachel only ever wants to play _Just Dance_," Finn exclaimed as he walked over to the couch. "_Call of Duty's too violent, Finny_," he mocked in his best Rachel voice, earning a laugh from Puck. He shoved aside the copy of the _Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition_ (his own copy had mysteriously disappeared) that was on the cushion and sat down. "You really got to go to the Mansion?"

"Yeah, next time I go, you can come." Puck tossed him a controller before turning on the game. "Beer's are in the mini fridge under the end table next to you, Dude."

Finn obliged and got out two beers. Just as he was tossing one to Puck, Vlad emerged from his explorations and jumped onto the couch next to Finn, some material clasped firmly in his mouth. "What's that you got Vlad?" he asked, as Vlad settled next to his side.

Puck took one look over at Vlad and dropped his controller. "Dude! He's got my fucking underwear!"

Upon closer inspection, Finn realized that Vlad did in fact, have a pair of Puck's boxer-briefs in his mouth. "Gross! Vlad, put those down!" he directed. Vlad simply growled and shook his head, making the underwear wave like a flag.

"Dude! Get your dog to let go of my drawers!" Puck yelled, gesturing wildly to Finn. "Pull them out of his mouth. It can't be that hard."

"I am _not_ touching your underwear, man. If you want them, get them back yourself." Finn sat back on the couch, watching in amusement as Puck attempted to walk towards Vlad, who immediately became suspicious and backed away from Finn and Puck, the underwear still firmly clamped in his mouth. He lithely jumped off the couch when Puck sprang towards him, causing Puck to land unceremoniously on the couch next to Finn, who didn't bother to hide his howls of laughter.

"It's not fucking funny, Finn. What kind of dog goes around stealing underwear?" Puck demanded, standing up and looking around for Vlad. He could just see a piece of his underwear before it disappeared under the coffee table and leaned down for confirmation. He glared at Vlad, who simply looked back at him from the shadowy far corner, the underwear between his paws.

"Did you leave the underwear on the floor? He thinks anything on the floor is his," Finn explained, once he was able to stop laughing. His laughter stared anew when he saw Puck trying to reach as far as he could under the coffee table, only to start cursing immediately when his arm promptly got stuck.

"Fuck you and fuck your dog too," Puck exclaimed, finally freeing his arm. He scowled as he sat up, massaging his arm. "How are we gonna get them back?"

"Easy. Watch this." Finn strolled over to the kitchen cabinets, rummaging through them until he found what he wanted. He held the box of Cheez-its up for Puck to see and immediately began shaking the box. Vlad shot out from underneath the table_ sans_ underwear, heading in the direction of one of his favorite sounds. He parked himself in front of Finn, placing one paw up in the air, his eyes focused on the box in Finn's hand. "Get the underwear, man!" he directed as he fed Vlad a few Cheez-its.

Puck immediately scooped up the underwear and marched off towards the bedroom, presumably to clear the floor of any laundry. Finn brought the box of crackers over to the couch, still chuckling as Vlad settled on his lap, begging for more crackers. "Since that was fucking funny, I'll share with you, just don't tell Mommy," he told Vlad, slipping him a few more crackers.

"Alright, here's the rules," Puck announced as he came back over to the TV area. "Vlad's my wingman. His job tonight is to sit there and look cute, but make me look good at the same time. That's all he needs to do. Sit on the couch and look cute. Got that?" he barked at Vlad, who didn't bother tearing his gaze away from the Cheez-It box. "I gotta get some, man. It's been two weeks and I'm going _crazy_."

Finn nodded in understanding. He hated when Rachel had her period because she cut him off a few days before it actually arrived, claiming she felt unsexy and gross. The fact that he used to go long stretches of time without sex before he met Rachel was long forgotten, because as he liked to point out, now that he had access to sex on a regular basis, his body was regulated to expect sex. The week and a half give or take that she cut him off each month was _rough_. "I hear you, man."

Puck eyed Vlad suspiciously, who ignored him as he concentrated on the box next to Finn. "Besides his underwear fetish, is there anything else I should know about Vlad?"

"He's gonna need to eat soon and then go out. He'll let you know when he needs to go out by sitting in front of the door." Finn frowned, looking around the apartment. "How's this gonna work? You don't even have a dog bowl or toys. Quinn's never gonna believe that Vlad lives here."

"Way ahead of you, man. My mom always sticks her poodle Priscilla on me when she goes away, so I actually do have a dog bowl and some food." Puck marched over to the kitchen closet, pulling out a bag of Pedigree and two bowls. He filled one bowl up with water and placed it on the floor, while the other was filled with dog food.

"Wait. If you have access to your mom's dog, why do you need to borrow mine?" Finn demanded as Vlad jumped off his lap to go inspect the food Puck put down. Cautiously, he took a few pieces out and sampled it, before running back to Finn and the Cheez-Its.

"Because Priscilla is a girl and unlike Vlad, repels women because she's a cranky old bitch." He glanced at his watch. "Q's gonna be here soon, so you need to get lost. Go boink Berry and pick up Vlad tomorrow." He started pushing Finn towards the door.

"Fine. I get the hint. Take good care of Vlad." Finn bent down to pet the Chihuahua who'd followed him to the door. "Stay here and help Uncle Puck, Vlad." He gave Vlad an affectionate rub on the head before he stood up and quickly walked out the door.

Vlad immediately sat down in front of the door, crying. Puck tried to pick him up, only to have Vlad growl and show his teeth, when he went near him. Sighing, Puck walked over to the Cheez-It box and shook it. The noise of the box attracted Vlad's attention and he turned around to watch Puck, although he still wouldn't leave the door.

"Dude, you better cooperate tonight," Puck grumbled as he threw a Cheez-It in Vlad's direction. It fell just short of Vlad, who took a few steps and ate it, sitting down again to stare at Puck. Puck repeated the process, each time throwing a Cheez-It slightly closer to himself, until Vlad forgot about Finn leaving and climbed onto the couch next to Puck.

He'd just slipped Vlad another cracker when the doorbell rang. "It's showtime, Vlad. Remember, you're the wingman. Your job is to help me score," he whispered to Vlad. "Do what you gotta do."

Vlad simply stared at him, thumping his tail.

* * *

><p>Finn opened the door to his apartment quietly, unsure which Rachel would be greeting him, Normal Rachel or Scary as Hell PMS Rachel. Silently he hung his coat up and put his keys on the table. Apparently not silent enough, because the second he placed his keys on the table he heard Rachel call, "Finn? Is that you?"<p>

He followed Rachel's voice into the living room, to find Rachel snuggled under her fuzzy pink blanket on the couch, _Hello Dolly!_ playing on the TV. She smiled when she saw him, holding her blanket up for him to climb under. "I've been waiting for you to come back. I want to cuddle."

Hmm. She seemed to be Normal Rachel, so he crossed the few feet and sank onto the couch, allowing Rachel to mold her body to him and adjust the blanket over both of them. He glanced down at her as she smiled up at him before snuggling into his chest. Maybe she wouldn't be so pissed when she found out about Vlad's whereabouts, if she was being Normal Rachel at the moment. He decided to test the waters a bit before he told her. "Feeling better?" he asked cautiously, as he softly stroked her hair.

"Much. I got some writing done, and then I spent time trying to figure out ways to make it up to you and Vlad for kicking you two out." She smiled at him as she climbed on top of him, placing soft kisses along his jaw.

"Yeah? You come up with anything?" Finn asked, trying to figure out what she was up to. He knew she started surfing the crimson wave yesterday, so she couldn't be considering sex, could she?

"I might have." Rachel smiled seductively as she let her hand trail down between them to cup him through his jeans. "You know I won't have sex when I'm menstruating, but that doesn't mean I can't make it up to you in_other_ ways_._" The hand she still had on his groin began stroking the arousal that was popping up in his pants, making Finn's eyes close and a small groan escaped his mouth. "And for Vlad…" Her hand paused its ministrations as she looked around the room. "Where _is_ Vlad?"

Finn's hand snaked under the blanket to get her to resume what she had been doing. "He's at Puck's," he murmured as he reached his head up to kiss that spot behind her ear that drove her wild, hoping it would distract her from his words.

It didn't.

Rachel shot up, sitting back on her knees as she stared at him. "What do you mean, he's at _Noah's_? Explain, now." She crossed her arms, looking at Finn expectantly.

Damn PMS. He could practically see her morphing into Super Scary PMS Rachel.

"Yeah, uh, Puck kinda wanted to, uh, borrow Vlad."

"Borrow Vlad?" she asked skeptically, still staring at him.

"Yeah, uh, cause he's uh, such a ladies man," Finn replied as he sat up, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

"Ladies man?" Rachel's face was unreadable, and he couldn't tell how pissed she was yet.

"Yeah, uh, well, Puck was jealous because Vlad and I were getting all the girls, they kept buying me drinks and ignoring him, so he decided he needed to borrow Vlad," Finn blurted out, realizing too late what he'd said.

Rachel's eyes narrowed. "Girls were buying you drinks?"

Shit. He quickly tried to backtrack. "Ray, it wasn't like that. I told every girl who came over that I had a girlfriend. Ask Puck, he'll tell you. He was just mad because girls kept giving me their numbers after they petted Vlad and asking me to meet them in the bathroom, and not him, that's why he wanted to borrow Vlad."

Rachel's eyes were practically slits. She said nothing, which Finn knew from experience was far more dangerous than her exploding. He actually preferred when she exploded, because it meant that she wasn't that furious. A silent Rachel meant it was time for _major _Damage Control. "Baby, I-"

Rachel held up a hand to quiet him. "Putting aside the fact that girls wanted to show you a good time, I _cannot_ believe that you loaned out our dog for a night of whoring with Noah. What are you, Vlad's Pimp?"

"They're not going whoring. Vlad's just hanging out with Puck at his apartment, watching a movie with him and Quinn," Finn defended, hoping this would alleviate Rachel a little.

"_Quinn_?" she hissed. "As in the Quinn who was in on that bet?"

Uh oh. _Big_ mistake.

Once again, Finn found himself trying to repair the damage from the word vomit he'd just had. "Well, see, we ran into Quinn at the park, while Puck was trying to get Vlad to like him, and-"

"Save it." The tone of her voice immediately stopped him mid-sentence. Slowly she climbed off the couch, taking the pink blanket with her.

"Babe, where are you going?" he asked as he watched her walk down the hall.

"To bed_._" She turned around, one hand on her hip, as the pink blanket pooled on the floor around her. "_Alone."_

"What? You're locking me out of my own bedroom?" Finn cried, once again realizing what he'd said too late.

"Yes, and you can sleep on _your_ couch. Good night, Finnegan." She turned to walk towards his bedroom.

Shit. She must be _really_ pissed. She only ever called him by his given name if she was really furious. "But you took the couch blanket! What am I supposed to use?"

"Ask Vlad. Maybe if you're cold he could find you a girl to meet you in the bathroom and warm you up," she called over her shoulder before shutting and locking his bedroom door.

Finn listened to the lock turning dejectedly, flopping down onto the couch with a loud sigh. He hoped Puck's night with Quinn was worth it; because he was gonna _kill_ Puck when he saw him tomorrow.

* * *

><p>Puck was seething.<p>

Quinn had been here for an hour and a half and not only did she still have her clothes on, she was currently sitting on the opposite couch from him, actually _watching_ the movie. He glanced at Quinn's left hand, eyes narrowing when he realized what her hand was doing. He followed her hand as it idly stroked Vlad, who was currently on his back, little paws in the air, allowing Quinn to give him a belly rub.

The Chihuahua seemed to have taken Puck's directive to 'do what you gotta do' seriously, because from the moment Quinn had stepped through the door, Vlad had been in his 'Sweet Chihuahua' act, which would have been fine, except for one thing.

He refused to let Puck near Quinn.

It had started the second Quinn greeted Puck. He'd leaned in to kiss her, earning a growl and a bite to the pants leg from Vlad. He'd tried to shove Vlad with his foot, only to have Vlad clamp harder onto his pants. Quinn had noticed what was going on and immediately bent down to scoop Vlad into her arms. Vlad had immediately turned into sweet dog and Puck could swear he saw a dog version of a smirk on Vlad's face as Quinn rocked him in her arms.

Ever since then, Vlad had been at Quinn's side, growling at Puck whenever he attempted to get near Quinn or sit near Quinn. He'd tried everything to distract Vlad, but nothing could get him away from Quinn's magic fingers. The Cheez-It ploy had been rendered ineffective, since he discovered the box was now empty.

He glared at Vlad again. It figured that Berry's dog would be a pain in the ass like she was.

Quinn was no help, since she found all of it adorable, which made Puck seethe even more. She should be stroking _his_ (preferably naked) stomach, not Vlad's. The dog was totally violating the Bro Code rule #62, which clearly stated the rules for calling dibs on a girl. Puck had known her for months, so Vlad had no case, yet Vlad was the one currently sitting next to her.

Wait a minute. Vlad was _not_ sitting next to her. Puck looked around quickly, he didn't see Vlad but he could hear crunching, so he assumed Vlad was eating his dinner. Puck seized his opportunity and jumped onto the couch next to Quinn, pushing her back against the cushions.

"Bout fucking time he left. I've been lonely over there." He nuzzled his face into Quinn's neck, placing hot open mouth kisses there, while his hand snaked under her shirt.

"Jealous are we?" Quinn asked, as she trailed her fingers along his stomach.

"Like he could ever make you feel like this," Puck boasted as he felt Quinn arch her back once his hands found their desired spot on her chest, a small mewl escaping her throat.

Puck was so focused on removing Quinn's shirt that he failed to notice that the crunching had stopped. Vlad strolled back into the living room, ready to reclaim his spot on the couch next to Quinn. He stopped short when he noticed Puck there, and immediately, the hair on his back raised as a growl started deep in this throat. Puck continued to ignore Vlad, but unfortunately for him, Quinn didn't.

"Is he ok?" she asked from her position underneath him.

"He's fine," Puck promised, ignoring the growls coming from the floor, focusing on kissing Quinn and unbuttoning her pants at the same time.

"I think he thinks you're hurting me." Quinn pushed Puck away slightly to coo at Vlad. "It's ok, Vlad, he's not hurting me. Aren't you the cutest?"

Quinn's voice seemed to calm him slightly, since the raised hair on his back relaxed and the growling stopped as he turned and trotted away from the couch. Puck watched him go, a smirk on his face. That should show that rat who was the true Ladies Man here. "Good job Q."

He forgot about Vlad for a few minutes as he and Quinn continued undressing each other. Quinn was just reaching for the waistband of his boxer-briefs, the last barrier of clothing between them, when she paused, looking at something behind Puck. "What's that?"

Puck turned to see what she was staring at, but only saw Vlad's rear sticking out from under the coffee table. "It's only Vlad's ass. He likes to go under the coffee table." He placed her hands back on his waistband, more than ready to get his underwear off.

"No. He had something. It was clear," Quinn insisted, her eyes still staring at Vlad's rear end, which was now wiggling backwards as he shimmied out from under the table. "It looks like a condom."

"I don't know. It's probably one of his toys," Puck replied, getting annoyed. He was about to start guiding Quinn's hands in the removal process, when he realized that Vlad didn't have any toys here, which means that he had something of Puck's. Slowly, praying that he hadn't found another pair of underwear, he turned around to see what Vlad was up to.

He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that it wasn't a pair of underwear in between Vlad's paws; until he realized exactly what was there.

This was not happening. Vlad had somehow managed to find the sleeve that he used to 'relieve' himself during those times when he was alone and _needy_. The clear sleeve was meant to simulate a female's mouth when he slipped it over his junk, helping him to get himself off.

He glared at the small dog, who stared back with seemingly innocent eyes as he began chewing on the sleeve. Unable to say anything, he glanced at Quinn out of the corner of his eye, only to see her peering intently at Vlad, confusion written on her face.

He exhaled in relief. She didn't know what it was. He was safe.

His moment of relief was short lived, because Vlad promptly stood up and jumped on the couch between them, depositing the object in Quinn's lap. "That's not a condom, but what is it?" she asked as she held it up. "The shape looks familiar but I've never seen a dog toy like it."

Puck blanched as she held it between her fingers, examining it. He'd received it as a gag gift at a Bachelor Party, but this casual arrangement with Quinn had caused him to use it several times recently. "It's uh…" he stammered, wishing she'd drop it and finish getting naked. Instead, he watched with growing horror as she turned it different ways, teasing Vlad with it.

"Oh my God! Is that…?" Quinn asked as it dawned on her why the shape looked familiar, tossing it across the room in horror. Vlad happily scampered after it, bringing it back to the couch, as Puck nodded miserably. He glared at Vlad again, too embarrassed to look at Quinn.

If he had, he would have noticed her shoulders start to shake as she struggled to hold in her laughter. He looked at Quinn once her heard her start to snort and howl uncontrollably. Relieved that she didn't think he was some sort of freak, he started laughing too.

"It was a gag gift from a Bachelor Party," he managed to explain between bursts of laughter. He grabbed the sleeve from Vlad, who jumped off the couch prepared to chase it again, only to be disappointed when Puck placed it on top of the fireplace mantle, out of Vlad's reach. The dog began crying for his toy, staring at Puck hopefully. Puck ignored him as he pulled Quinn off the couch, picking her up and depositing her on top of the pool table. "Now, where were we?"

Quinn smiled and reached for the waistband of his boxer-briefs. She'd just succeeded in lowering them, when a small cry was heard. Quinn tore her lips away from Puck to look over at Vlad sitting next to the front door. "What's wrong with Vlad?"

"Nothing, babe. He just wants his toy. Ignore him," Puck directed, turning her head back towards his and capturing her lips in a searing kiss as Vlad cried again.

Vlad's cries snapped Quinn back to reality and she pushed Puck away from herself, looking at Vlad. "I think he wants to go out."

Puck groaned, looking from Quinn's naked form perched on top of his pool table to the Chihuahua at the door. "No, Q. I think he just wants his toy."

"No. He has to go out. Do you need to go bye-byes?" she called to Vlad, who wagged his tail excitedly. She turned to Puck. "Get dressed and take him out, I'll wait here."

"I can't go out like this!" he exclaimed, gesturing to his very aroused groin area as Vlad cried again.

"Well it's either take him out aroused or clean up when he pees by the door aroused. Take your pick," Quinn pointed out logically. Puck grumbled and pulled on his jeans and t-shirt, leaving his underwear on the floor. "I'll be in the bedroom waiting," Quinn promised, giving him a scorching kiss that did nothing to put a stop to his arousal.

"Come on, dude." He grabbed his cell phone and keys off the counter, trying to think of dead kittens and other horrible things to put a stop to the raging boner he had as he snapped the leash on Vlad and lead him towards the elevator.

"What kind of wingman are you? You've done nothing but cockblock me all night." He looked down at Vlad, who ignored him, sniffing the elevator walls. "I hope Finn's having just as much trouble getting in Berry's pants as I am getting into Q's ," he muttered.

Grinning manically to himself, he whipped out his cell phone. If Vlad was going to cockblock him, he was going to do the same to Hudson.

* * *

><p>Finn flipped through the channels listlessly. He'd already watched the end of Mets game and the post game show, plus an episode of Seinfeld but Rachel <em>still<em> hadn't unlocked the door. He couldn't even change into his pajamas because they were in his bedroom. Figuring he'd give it a shot, he knocked on his locked bedroom door.

"Babe? I know you're mad, but can I at least get my pajamas?" He paused, hoping for a response. Not hearing anything, he continued speaking through the door. "Just so you know, I was only trying to help Puck. He really likes Quinn." He chuckled, thinking of Vlad and the underwear. "If it helps, I don't think Vlad's too willing to help him. He was running around Puck's apartment with a pair of Puck's underwear in his mouth."

Nothing.

Rachel really should have been a mime, he thought bitterly as he turned away from the door. She was excellent at giving the silent treatment when she wanted to. Sighing he went into the bathroom and took a quick shower, forced to put his boxers back on. He walked over to the hall closet, trying to figure out what he could possibly use as a blanket, frowning when the only thing he could find was Rachel's hoodie. Figuring it was better than nothing, he grabbed it and flopped back on the couch, draping the too small hoodie over his large frame before he resumed his channel surfing.

He'd just found one of those soft-core movies that Rachel never let him watch when his cell phone rang. "Hello?" he greeted, his eyes focused on the two girls on the screen.

_"Your fucking dog has done nothing but cockblock me all night!"_

Finn choked back a laugh. "I'm sorry, who's this?"

_"Fuck you. Quinn's naked in my bed and where am I? I'm fucking standing outside with a raging boner, while your dog takes his sweet ass time picking a tree."_

"Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go," Finn replied, not bothering to hide his laughter. "If that's the worst of it, consider yourself lucky. Thanks to you and your stupid plan, Rachel's beyond pissed and has locked me out of my bedroom."

_"Good, you deserve it for having a dog like this. He refused to let me sit near Quinn, and kept biting my legs every time I tried to touch her, all the while getting Quinn to give him belly rubs. Then, when I made my move while he was eating dinner, he kept growling, until Q calmed him. So you know what that fucking dog did to cockblock me as revenge?"_

"What?" Finn asked, muting the TV, the movie all but forgotten. "Lemme guess. He found a G-String and paraded it out in front of Quinn?"

_"Worse. He found this gag gift that's supposed to help you get off. He brought it out and dropped it in Q's lap. She had no idea what it was, and was examining it until she figured it out and threw it across the room. Vlad thought she was playing and chased it and brought it back, to her disgust. Shut the fuck up, man, it's not funny!"_

Finn howled with laughter, clutching his sides. "Oh, it's definitely funny. It almost makes my fight with Rachel worth it. Then what happened?"

_"Pick a fucking tree, man! It's not that hard!"_

"Puck!" Finn yelled trying to get Puck to concentrate. "What happened next?"

_"I finally get Q back on track, naked and about go down on me, and your precious Vlad chooses that moment to decide he needs to go out! I've been out here for twenty minutes because he won't pick a fucking tree!"_

A fresh round of expletives emerged from Puck's mouth as he heard Finn howling uncontrollably again. Finn managed to calm himself enough to say, "Well he should be good for the rest of the night. He'll probably go to bed."

He grinned to himself, purposely leaving out the part about how Vlad would expect to sleep on the bed with Puck and Quinn and would probably cry outside the door until he got his way.

That'll teach Puck for getting Rachel mad at him.

_"Finally! I gotta go, Finn. Vlad finally took a crap, so now I can get back to Quinn. I...What the fuck? Dude, I just stepped in dog crap! He crapped again! I didn't notice and now it's on my fucking shoe!"_

"Have fun tonight, man. I'll pick Vlad up in the morning." Laughter exploded from him again as he heard Puck spew even more expletives before he hung up the phone. He flung the phone onto the couch, clutching his sides as he gasped for breath.

Finally managing to calm himself, he lay back on the couch, trying to adjust the hoodie so that it covered more than a few inches of his chest. Grumbling about Rachel's diminutive size, he unmuted the TV, hoping it would put him to sleep. He severely doubted the wisdom of this plan when he realized just what the two girls on the screen were doing.

"Do I need to remind you that people are trying to sleep here?"

Finn froze at the sight of Rachel in front of him, her hands on her hips, although one hand was clenching his pajama bottoms. He noticed immediately that she was wearing the pink long sleeved pajama top and matching bottoms with the dancing bunnies all over them, pajamas she only wore when she was mad at him.

He hated those dancing bunnies.

"Sorry, baby. Vlad's-" he started, a fresh round of laughter erupting out of him.

"Are you watching _porn_?" Rachel demanded, throwing his pajama bottoms at him. "Ugh, I don't believe you!" She stormed back into the bedroom, slamming the door shut and clicking the lock into place.

Great. He'd officially made it worse.

Finn sighed, turning off the TV and pulling on his pajama bottoms. He sank into the couch, the hoodie draped over his chest doing little to keep him warm, one arm draped over his eyes. Laughter escaped from mouth as he thought of Vlad walking around with Puck's sex toy in front of Quinn.

Still chuckling, he eventually he drifted off to sleep, wondering what was going on over at Puck's.

* * *

><p>"Alright, you little Mexican Rat. This is how it's gonna be. I'm gonna go in the bedroom and take care of business. You can go to sleep on the couch or under the table, I don't care, just stay out of my way. You're not rack jacking me anymore. Got it?" Puck bent down to Vlad level, since Vlad still wouldn't let Puck pick him up.<p>

It had taken him a while to clean the shit off his shoes, since the doorman saw it and wouldn't let him enter the building with shit on his shoes. He'd been nice enough provide water for Puck, holding Vlad and watching closely as he cleaned off his shoes. Once he passed the doorman's test, he hurried into the elevator, anxious to get back to Quinn.

He entered his apartment, unhooking Vlad, who made a beeline for the underwear Puck had left on the floor. Puck watched as he carried his prize under the coffee table, not particularly caring if Vlad had them, as long as it would keep him busy. He hurried to the bedroom, his pupils dilating when he saw Quinn spread out seductively on his bed. Quickly shedding his clothes, he climbed on top of Quinn. "Now, where were we?"

Things were just getting hot and heavy when Quinn turned her head to the side for a moment, only to come face to face with Vlad, a pair of underwear hanging out of his mouth. Quinn burst out laughing, causing Puck to look up from kissing her thighs. "What the fuck, Vlad? Again?"

Vlad continued to stare, his tail moving from side to side across the comforter.

Quinn sat up. "Why don't you just call Finn and tell him to pick his dog up?" she asked with a smile. "He's really cockblocking you."

"You knew?" Puck asked incredulously, sitting up on his knees.

"Of course I knew; Finn brings him to work all the time. I just wanted to see how far you'd go to impress me." She leaned over to kiss him. "And I must say, I'm very impressed."

"Really?" Puck smirked, pushing her back on the bed. "Why don't you show me how impressed you are?"

"I will, but only after Vlad goes home." She handed Puck his phone. "Tell Finn Vlad's coming home."

* * *

><p><em>"Hudson! Open up!"<em>

Finn awoke with a start, falling off the couch and landing with a loud thud. He walked over to the door, opening it up before Puck could yell again and wake the entire floor up. "What the hell man?"

"If you'd answer your phone, you'd have known that I was bringing the rat back." Puck shoved a squirming, very excited Vlad into Finn's arms. "Hey, Berry."

Finn froze. He hadn't realized Rachel was right behind him.

"_Noah_. Are you done using our dog to lure girls? And why are you subjecting Finn to it?"

"Oh, don't get your fucking panties in a twist. You surfing the crimson wave? Besides, Finn wouldn't give any of those girls the time of day; he's so devoted to you. Every number he got he handed right to me and some of those girls were _fine_. You might as well stamp _"Berry parking only_" on his forehead. I gotta go. Q's naked and waiting." He ran off towards the elevator.

Finn looked down at Vlad for a moment before yelling after Puck's hastily retreating figure. "Wait! Don't you want your underwear back?" He grinned when he saw Puck's response in the form of his middle finger. He stroked the space between Vlad's eyes, avoiding the underwear still clamped in Vlad's mouth. "Sounds like you had quite the night, dude."

He walked back into the apartment, placing Vlad on the floor, who immediately took off for the bedroom, ready to get some well deserved rest. Finn watched him go; wondering what would happen if he made a break for the bedroom too. Not brave enough to try, he walked back over to the couch, laying down and trying to get comfortable.

Rachel stood silently in the hall, watching him struggle to cover himself with the hoodie before heading to use the bathroom. When she emerged, she checked on Finn, who was fast asleep, the hoodie having fallen to the floor. She moved to the couch intending to cover him with the hoodie, but instead found herself climbing on top of him, inhaling his scent. The pressure of her body on his woke him up and he immediately brought his hands up to weave through her hair.

"Does this mean you're not mad at me anymore?"

"Did you really give every number you got to Noah?" she asked, her fingers playing with the hair on the back of his neck.

"Of course I did. I certainly don't want those numbers." He chuckled, thinking of what had happened at the bar. "Babe, I wish you could have seen Puck's face every time a girl came over. He couldn't _believe_ they were ignoring him for Vlad. That's why he made up this whole scheme."

Rachel laughed. "That sounds like Noah." She kissed Finn's lips softly. "I have to say, I like the idea of Berry parking only stamped on your forehead when you go out with Noah."

"Baby, you know you have nothing to worry about right?" He kissed her forehead tenderly.

"I know." She snuggled into him, resting her head on his shoulder. Her fingers traced the contours of his chest muscles lightly. "I heard what you said before about wanting to help Noah."

"Ah, so you did hear."

"Of course I did. You know I can't sleep when you're not next to me." She leaned up to kiss his cheek, settling her head back on his shoulder. "I'm glad you're helping Noah. Maybe he'll settle down and stop being such a womanizer."

"I know you hate her Ray, but I really think Quinn might be good for him."

"I'll get over it," She picked up her head to stare at Finn. "Now tell me this. Why did Vladimir arrive back home with a pair of underwear clasped in his mouth?"

Finn burst out laughing, managing to tell Rachel everything that had gone down between Vlad and Puck. The two of them were soon rolling on the floor laughing, howling uncontrollably and clutching their sides.

Eventually, Rachel stood up, rubbing her eyes. "I'm going to bed."

Finn stared at her, hope in his eyes. "Can I come?"

"Stay on your side of the bed," Rachel cautioned. "I'm still mad that you whored out Vlad, but I understand why you did." She reached out to pull him off the couch. "Actually, there's just one stipulation."

"What's that?" he asked as they walked towards the bedroom.

"_You_ have to get Noah's underwear away from Vlad and out of our bedroom."

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: It's super late, but I really wanted to get this posted, so hopefully there's not that many mistakes! The idea of Puck in competition with Vlad for girls makes me giggle, and I hope it does for you too!**_


	4. Fireworks

_**Disclaimer: Glee does not belong to me**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Matchmaker, Matchmaker,<br>Make me a match,  
>Find me a find,<br>Catch me a catch,  
>Night after night in the dark I'm alone<br>So find me a match,  
>Of my own.<strong>_

_**-Fiddler on the Roof**_

* * *

><p>Rachel glanced at her watch frowning. It was only nine o'clock and she was absolutely out of things to do. She'd already been to several stores and had spent the last two hours picking out some new clothes for herself along with a few dress shirts and some new boxers for Finn, but Bloomingdales was now closing. Maybe she could wander around Barnes and Noble for a while to kill some time. She checked her phone, hoping that someone would have called or texted since the last time she checked, a whole fifteen minutes ago.<p>

Nothing.

She didn't know why she bothered, she knew there wouldn't be. Kurt was away on a buying trip for Bergdorf's, Tina was at a Bachelorette Party for her cousin and Mercedes was having dinner with her parents. That left Finn, and she _really_ didn't want to go where he was. She'd promised herself that she wouldn't bother him there again, and she intended to stick to that promise.

Slowly, she headed out of Bloomingdales, swinging her bags as she started the long trek to Barnes and Noble. She decided to go to the one closest to her apartment, since it was the furthest from Bloomingdales, and if she walked there, that would kill even more time. Satisfied with her plan, she cheerfully walked down 59th Street, weaving her way through the crowds of people anxious to get home.

She'd just managed to grab a few books ready to peruse them in the café at Barnes and Noble when an employee came over to her. "I'm sorry, Ma'am, but we're closing in 10 minutes."

Rachel looked up startled. "What? I thought you were open until 11?"

"We're closing in 10 minutes," the employee repeated. "If you have any purchases, please bring them to the front now." He moved on to the next table, prepared to recite the same speech.

Rachel glanced at her watch in annoyance. 9:50. It had taken her a half an hour to walk here and she'd spent about ten minutes selecting books to read. She sighed, heading to the register to pay for her books, her brain trying to think of anywhere else she could go. She frowned as her mind came up empty. This was Manhattan, how was it possible that she couldn't find something to do?

She emerged from the store just as a torrential rain started. Great. This just added to her night. She dug through her purse for her umbrella, debating if she should get a cab or make a run for the subway. She knew Finn didn't like her taking the subway alone at night, so she ran to the curb, holding a bag laden arm out for a cab, grateful when one appeared immediately. She quickly climbed in, giving the cab driver the address of Finn's apartment, smiling when she remembered that it was now her apartment too. Her smile quickly turned to a frown when she realized what was about to happen.

There was no way around it.

Rachel was about to invade Guy's Night.

* * *

><p><em>"No fucking way! How can you possibly say you'd fuck Khloe Kardashian but not Kim?"<em>

Rachel rolled her eyes as Noah's ridiculous statement greeted her when she slowly opened the door. Placing her bags on the floor, she scooped up Vlad who'd heralded her arrival with a series of excited yips. "There's my Baby Dog! Are you enjoying Guy's Night?"

She cuddled Vlad for a moment, letting him lick her face, happy to see that he was still wearing the doggy polo shirt she'd dressed him in for Guy's Night. Finn had rolled his eyes at the shirt, but Rachel thought he looked adorable. Holding tightly onto Vlad with one hand, she grabbed her bags with other, ready to make her way to the bedroom.

She'd only officially moved in last Friday, and this was the first time since she'd moved in that Guy's Night would be held at their apartment. After the fiasco last fall when she'd crashed it for the article, she'd simply either stayed at her own apartment or made plans with Kurt, Mercedes or Tina whenever Finn hosted Guy's Night. Obviously, that wasn't possible now, so she figured she'd finish unpacking or maybe just lounge around watching movies.

"Babe? That you?"

Rachel headed towards the poker table, finding Finn, Blaine, Noah, Artie, Mike and Sam situated around the table, beers, cigars and Doritos scattered around. Quickly, she put her bags down and placed Vlad on Artie's lap so she could wrap her arms around Finn, giving him a kiss on the cheek.

"Hi, Finny. Hi guys," she said cheerfully, glancing around the table, her arms still wrapped around Finn and her chin propped up on his shoulder. She got the usual 'hey' and a 's'up Berry' from Noah, although she noticed that Artie seemed a little down. "You can just ignore me. Forget I'm here."

"What's in the Victoria's Secret bag, Berry?" Noah asked, looking on with interest as she gathered her bags back up. "You planning on putting on a show?"

"For you information, Noah, I merely bought some new pajamas," Rachel responded, but a blush appeared on her face at the thought of the sheer babydoll lingerie she'd bought to celebrate her officially moving in, although they'd been _celebrating_ every night since the move. She noticed Artie looking down at Vlad, a strange look on his face.

Noah, of course, picked up on her blush, and immediately smirked. "Looks like there's something in that bag for Finn. Spill, Berry."

"That's for me to know and Finn to find out, Noah," Rachel huffed, ignoring the interested stares coming from the entire table. "Now if you'll excuse me, Finn has informed me that the poker table is a vagina free zone, so I'm going to make myself a cup of tea and then stay in the bedroom, that way you guys can continue your night."

Finn stood up, taking her bags from her and headed into the bedroom while she went to put on the tea kettle. She strolled into the bedroom, only to find Finn rifling through the bags. "Did you really get some new lingerie?" he asked hopefully, reaching for the Victoria's Secret bag.

Rachel snatched it away from him before he could see what it was. "Finn! It's a surprise! Don't you have a game to go play?"

"You know I'd rather play with you," Finn replied, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively as he pulled Rachel to him.

"Finny, it's _Guy's_ Night. I'm going to get my tea and stay in here. You guys can be free to talk about breasts, sex and whatever other crude things you talk about and I'll never know."

"Yo Hudson! Unless you're having a quickie, get your ass out here now!"

Finn groaned, leaning down to give Rachel a quick kiss.

"Go and I'll show you what I got later," Rachel promised, pushing him towards the door. She stripped off her shirt, ready to change into something more comfortable. She was surprised to see Finn standing in the doorway watching her. "What are you doing? Go play!"

"In a minute. This looks more interesting than listening to Puck's theory about why girls with smaller boobs are more likely to put out."

Rachel smirked as she unzipped her skirt, letting it drop to the floor. She quickly reached into a nearby drawer and grabbed a pair of yoga pants, pulling them on. "If I were you, I'd pay attention to that theory, and maybe later you could find out if it's true." She grabbed a tank top from the drawer and slipped it over her head, to the disappointment of Finn. She strode past him, running her fingers along his stomach as she passed him, ready to answer the whistling teapot.

Finn grabbed her, picking her up and pinning her against the wall, kissing her hard on the mouth. "You are such a tease," he murmured against her lips. She smirked, pulling him in close for another kiss. Both were so engrossed, that neither noticed Artie and Vlad wheeling their way.

Artie cleared his throat, making his presence known. Rachel tore herself away from Finn's lips, smiling apologetically at Artie, noticing once again that something seemed off about him. Rather than appear uncomfortable, he almost looked _envious_. Rachel resolved to ask Finn about Artie later, but for now simply slid down Finn, with a cheerful, "He's all yours, Artie."

She quickly headed into the kitchen and made her tea, her mind working furiously, trying to recall if Finn had ever mentioned Artie dating or having a girlfriend, but she came up blank. She started to make her way towards the bedroom, pausing at the poker table and interrupting Noah's story about some mud wrestling event he'd gone to.

"Night guys. I'll see you all at Burt and Carole's right?" she asked, her hand playing with Finn's hair automatically. Her eyes fell on Artie, who once again was watching her with a strange look on his face, his own eyes trained on her hand as it massaged Finn's scalp. When she got affirmatives from all but Sam, she headed off towards the bedroom deep in thought. She paused at the bedroom door, keeping it slightly open, justifying that Vlad needed to be able to come in and out, but in reality, in case she heard something interesting about Artie.

Something was definitely up with Artie, and she intended to find out what.

* * *

><p>Rachel spent the next hour unpacking the last of her clothes and organizing the closet, while simultaneously thinking of what could be bothering Artie. She kept an ear out for the conversation at the poker table, but so far, she hadn't heard anything interesting, other than several new euphemisms for male body parts and a heated debate over what nationality of girls were most likely to put out the quickest.<p>

She was sure that she hadn't mistaken the looks on Artie's face. Something was definitely bothering him, but what? She placed the last of her dresses on the rack, considering the possibilities. She knew that things were going really well at work, so it couldn't be that. Her first instinct was that it had to do with Artie's dating life, or lack thereof, but until she could get Finn alone, she wasn't sure.

She took one last look at the closet, satisfied with the way the closet looked. Sure, Finn had had to unknowingly sacrifice most of his closet space to her, but that was what the closet in the other room was for right? Scooping up Vlad, who'd just wandered in, she stripped him of his polo shirt and deposited him on the bed. She changed into her pajamas, before settling into bed herself, ready to relax and read for a while. Vlad curled up next to Rachel, his head resting on Finn's pillow.

Intending to read until Finn came in, she snuggled into the pillows, but exhaustion overtook her and she quickly fell asleep, Vlad snoring away next to her. She was in such a deep sleep that she failed to hear the poker game come to an end, nor did she hear Finn messing around in the bathroom and then make his way into their bedroom, changing into his pajamas and promptly having a squabble with Vlad over who got the pillow Vlad was resting on. Finn won, so Vlad made his way down towards the foot of the bed, wearing a sad puppy dog look on his face.

Finn chuckled at Vlad's injured expression as he slid under the blankets and reached for Rachel, snuggling into her body as he wrapped his arms around her. He had hoped that she'd still be awake when he came in, wearing whatever had been in that Victoria's Secret bag, but he'd gotten a glimpse of her body when he lifted the covers, revealing his Jets t-shirt that she'd claimed as her own covering her body. He grinned, he could work with that. "Rachel," he whispered, kissing her neck.

"Mmm," Rachel murmured incoherently, her body pressing back into his.

"Baby." He kissed the soft skin behind her ear repeatedly, while his hand dragged down her body to reach under her (his) shirt and let his fingers dance along her flat stomach. He could feel her start to respond as she grinded against him, knowing that she could feel his arousal. She turned her head, her hand coming up to guide his head towards her lips. He willingly obliged, letting the hand on her stomach drift further south.

"Wait." She tore her lips from his, much to his surprise. He stared at her, searching her face for what was wrong, his hand pausing on the waistband of her panties.

"What's wrong?" he asked, nuzzling his nose into her neck, his hand resuming its travels.

"Artie."

The simple word stopped Finn in his tracks and he picked up his head to look at her in surprise. "What about him?"

"When was the last time he had a girlfriend?" She stroked his arm as she waited for an answer.

"Dunno." He began kissing her jaw line, letting his hand travel north towards her breasts this time.

She pulled away from him, placing her hand on his. "I'm serious. When was it?"

"Baby, I _really_ don't want to talk about Artie now," he murmured, placing his lips back on her neck and entwining his hand with the hand she'd placed over his.

Once again, she pulled away from him, shifting onto her side so she was now facing him. "Well I do."

"Fine." He could see the determined look in her eyes and gave up his sex quest temporarily. He placed his head on his own pillow, draping an arm over her hip. "Where is this coming from?"

"I noticed Artie giving me strange looks whenever I touched you or we showed any kind of display of affection. You didn't notice?" She tucked one arm under her head, waiting to see if he would be able to shed any light on the situation.

"Not really. He seemed fine to me."

"He seemed almost envious when you were kissing me in the hall," Rachel insisted.

"Well if I didn't get to kiss you, I'd be jealous too," Finn teased, not seeing why they had to talk about this _now._

"So when was the last time he was in a relationship?" Rachel pressed, returning to her earlier line of questioning.

"Um…" Finn thought hard, trying to remember everything he knew about Artie's dating life. "I think the last one was Jenna. They went out for about three months last year till she dumped him. When I first started at Schuester's, he was dating a girl named Emily and they dated for the first two years I worked there. I think that's it though. Maybe a random girl in between." He rubbed her hip lightly. "Why?"

"Interesting," Rachel said thoughtfully. Her instincts had been spot on. Artie really had been envious. Not of Finn or of her, but of what they _had_. He was ready to be in a relationship again, but was all alone. He'd probably been fine until both Finn and Mike got into serious relationships at the same time.

"What is?" His hand started rubbing her hip more firmly; ready to resume his quest for sex.

"Finny, don't you see? He wants a relationship! He wants what we have," Rachel explained, her mind going a million miles an hour with possible girlfriends for Artie. "We have to help."

"You're so smart, baby." He nuzzled his nose into her neck, pushing her onto her back and climbing on top of her, pressing kisses along her jaw. "But right now, _I_ want what you have."

"Finn, I'm serious!" She picked his head up to look at him.

"So am I. I never kid about sex." As if to prove his point, he kissed her hard on the lips, while simultaneously slipping his hand under her shirt.

The kiss seemed to make her forget about her Artie problem, since she returned the kiss with one of her own, not protesting when his hands reached her breasts.

For all of a minute.

He'd just picked his head up to pull her shirt off, when Rachel flew up into a sitting position, smashing her forehead into his. He groaned, rolling over onto his side of the bed, his hand on his forehead.

"Nora!" she cried excitedly, apparently not as hurt by the forehead crash as he was.

"Who's Nora?" he asked, not particularly caring, since his head was now throbbing.

"I used to work with her at _Maquillage._ She'd be perfect for Artie!" She grabbed her cell phone off the nightstand, looking through her contacts.

"Are you really going to play matchmaker? What if it doesn't work out?" He looked at her from under his arm, his left hand caressing her back lightly.

"What if it does?" Rachel insisted. "We _have_ to help. It's our duty as the It Couple in our group to help those who don't have what we have." She glanced at the clock sending off a quick text. "Why are you holding your head like that?"

"The It Couple?" Finn questioned, chuckling, which made his head hurt more.

Rachel didn't answer, choosing instead to check the text message she'd just received. Satisfied at whatever was sent; she placed her phone back on the table, snuggling against him. "Night Finny."

"What? I thought we were celebrating! The Victoria's Secret bag, remember?" Finn cried, sitting up a little as he pouted.

"I have so much on my mind now with getting Artie married off that I couldn't possibly make love to you right now. I'd be thinking of Artie the whole time. We'll just have Cuddle Time instead. Night Finn." She kissed him lightly on his lips, turning over and pulling Finn's arm over her body, forcing him to turn and mold himself to her backside.

Finn stared at the back of her head, pissed off at Artie for ruining his night.

* * *

><p>"Have you seen that copy from this morning's meeting?"<p>

Finn looked up from his desk to see the reason for his sexless night come rolling into his office. To be fair, Artie had no idea that he'd caused Finn to be cut off, but even when he'd tried this morning for some before work sex and then for some shower sex, he'd gotten shot down both times for the same reason: Artie and his dating life. Rachel better set him up fast, because this was seriously starting to impact _him._

He did a double take at Artie's attire. In addition to his usual button down shirt and suspenders, Artie had chosen to wear a tie, which wasn't that unusual. What made the tie remarkable was that it was designed to look like the inside of a shark's mouth, as if the shark was attacking. "No, man. Haven't seen it. I think Mike might a have a copy. What's with the tie?"

"Oh, no big deal. I'll get it later. Isn't this tie awesome? My mom sent it to me because it's Shark Week on the Discovery Channel," Artie explained, looking down at the tie happily.

Finn rolled his eyes. Artie always got ridiculously excited about Shark Week, recording every possible show he could. "Oh. It's awesome," he replied, thinking that it was working awesome as a Chick repellant too.

What do you want for lunch? Mexican?" Artie asked hopefully.

"I don't care. Let's-" Finn began, ready to recite his order.

"_Mr. Hudson, there's a Rachel Berry here to see you. She doesn't have an appointment, should I tell her to come back?"_ His temporary secretary's voice buzzed through the intercom, cutting him off.

Finn sighed, wishing Allie hadn't been transferred yet again. "I already _told_ you, Rachel doesn't need an appointment, just send her in." His response came out a bit snippier than he wanted, but they went through this routine every time Rachel stopped by.

Rachel strode through the door a minute later, Vlad in one hand and a bag in the other, two women entering just behind her. Finn recognized the blonde one as Brittany, the one with the crazy grandma that loved him, but the other woman was a mystery to him.

"Hi, baby. I wasn't expecting you today," Finn said, greeting her with a kiss and Vlad with a head rub. "Hey Brittany." He turned to the unknown woman, holding out his hand. "I'm Finn, Rachel's boyfriend and this is Artie."

"I'm Nora Peterson. I used to work with Rachel," she replied, shaking Finn's hand and glancing at Artie, who was staring up at Brittany. Finn's head whipped towards Rachel as soon as he heard the name Nora.

"We were having lunch nearby and I figured you two hadn't eaten yet, so I decided to bring you guys some lunch. I hope Mexican's ok?" She held up the bag enticingly, ignoring the look Finn was giving her. "Where's Mike? I brought some for him too."

"He's at a conference," Artie replied, still staring at Brittany.

"I like your tie," Brittany said, speaking for the first time as she looked down at him. "It reminds me of Shark Week."

"Really? I love Shark Week!" Artie exclaimed. "Did you see-"

Rachel, not pleased that Nora had yet to exchange a word with Artie, cut in. "Nora, did you know that Artie loves animals? Vlad just loves to sit on Artie's lap. See?" Vlad played his part perfectly, struggling in Rachel's arms to get to Artie, who promptly took him and settled him on his lap.

"I have a cat named Lord Tubbington," Brittany offered, leaning over to pet Vlad on Artie's lap.

Artie laughed. "That's a great name."

"I named him that because he's always been fat," Brittany explained. "I have a picture, want to see?" She pulled her cell phone out of her bag, showing Artie the many pictures of Lord Tubbington. "Here's him in front of the window. Oh, and this is him in front of another window and here he is on vacation in Florida. See how relaxed he looks?"

"He does look very relaxed," Artie agreed, stroking Vlad softly.

"Nora has a salt water fish tank, isn't that right Nora?" Rachel interrupted, frowning when Artie didn't seem that interested.

"That's nice," Artie agreed. "I bet Lord Tubbington wouldn't like that, right Brittany?"

"No, he ate Grandma's goldfish Ralph. We had to flush his wife Alice down the toilet because she was so sad," Brittany responded seriously.

"Oh, well I bet Lord Tubbington felt bad about it." Artie assured her.

Brittany perked up at this. "He did. He didn't go near the bowl again."

Rachel watched this interaction, annoyed that Brittany and her cat were taking time away from Artie and Nora. Artie was too nice for his own good. He was clearly humoring Brittany, who'd always been a little simple.

"Artie, why don't you and the girls bring the food into the Break Room? I want to have a word with Rachel," Finn instructed, taking the food from Rachel and handing it to Brittany. Artie and Vlad led the way, chattering to Brittany about Shark Week, Nora tagging behind.

Finn waited until they were out of earshot, before he turned to Rachel. "What are you doing?" he hissed.

"What? I merely brought food to the office. I can't help it if Nora happened to be with me," Rachel defended, doing a poor job of hiding her intentions.

"Not that. I mean Brittany." Finn strode over to the door, poking his head out and seeing that the little group had stopped to let Vlad get petted by Quinn's secretary.

"Oh, well that's just bad timing. I planned on having lunch with just Nora, but when I went to _Maquillage_ to get her, Brittany was in her office, and I couldn't not invite her. Besides, I always liked Brittany."

"Still not what I mean." Finn shut the door, turning to face her.

"Then elaborate, because I'm out of explanations," Rachel answered, hands on her hips expectantly.

"I mean, why are you forcing Nora on him, when he's clearly interested in Brittany?" Finn asked, placing his hands on Rachel's shoulders.

Rachel waved her hand dismissively. "Oh, he's just being polite. He couldn't possibly be interested in Brittany when Nora's around."

"I think he is, Rach."

"Nonsense. I'm inviting Nora to your parent's 4th of July party by the way. I already cleared it with Carole. She can't wait to meet Artie's potential girlfriend, especially since it was her idea to bring you two lunch. Don't ruin our carefully laid out plans by putting ideas in Artie's head." Rachel opened the door and strode out, heading towards the little group in the Break Room. She noted that Brittany was parking Artie's wheelchair for him at the table, while Nora simply stood nearby watching. She frowned.

Clearly, Brittany had to go.

Closing his eyes for a second, Finn followed, just in time to hear her say, "So Nora, why don't you come to Finn's parent's house on Long Island for the 4th of July? Everyone will be there, including Artie. Tina and Mercedes too."

"Yeah, Brittany, why don't you come too?" Finn blurted out, getting a '_thanks man'_ look from Artie and a '_you're sleeping on the couch tonight'_ look from Rachel.

"Uh...sure, I'll come," Nora said, not seeming too excited by the prospect of a party.

Brittany on the other hand was ecstatic. "I'll come! I love parties. When is it?"

"It's uh, July 4th," Finn answered, not sure if Brittany was serious.

Evidently she was, because she pulled out her planner and wrote it in. "Oh. I don't know where the party is."

"I'll give you directions," Rachel said hastily, before Finn could volunteer Artie to give her directions. "Just call me."

"Actually, Rachel's really bad at giving directions. You'd better call me," Finn added, knowing that Rachel wasn't above sending Brittany to the wrong address. Rachel narrowed her eyes in his direction.

"Ok," Brittany replied in her usual bubbly tone, her hand resting on the handle of Artie's wheelchair.

Rachel, noticing Brittany's hand, decided it was best to get Brittany out of there. "Brit, why don't you take Vlad and go save us an elevator, while Nora and I say goodbye?"

"Ok. Bye Finn, bye Artie! I'll see you at the party!" She grabbed Vlad and bounced out of the room, Artie's eyes following her.

"So Artie. You and Nora have-" Rachel began, ready to take advantage of the time alone.

Unfortunately for her, Will stuck his head in at that moment. "Oh, there you guys are. Hi, Rachel. You two better eat quick because I need to go over something with you. I'll be waiting in my office."

"Sorry, Rach," Finn said, not looking too apologetic.

"I'll see you at home then. Vlad and I will be waiting to leave for your parents as soon as you get home." Rachel gave him a quick peck on the lips and walked out, Nora following closely behind. The fact that she simply pecked him on the lips and left meant one thing:

Rachel was _pissed_.

* * *

><p>As he'd expected, Rachel wasn't speaking to him when he arrived home. Their bags and Vlad's pet carrier were waiting in the hallway, as were Vlad and a silent Rachel.<p>

"Baby, I-" Finn tried to explain, but stopped, trying to figure out what the hell he'd actually done wrong. "Did you pack clothes for me to change into when we get there?"

"Of course, Finn," Rachel said coolly.

"Are you seriously mad at me because I said Artie was interested in Brittany?"

Rachel said nothing, picking up Vlad and placing him in pet carrier. He must have sensed something was off, because he went in the tote bag carrier willingly, something he didn't often do. Once Vlad was secure, she grabbed a pie she had made for the party and stormed out with Vlad, leaving Finn to carry the suitcases and other food Rachel had made.

Sighing, he gathered everything up and followed Rachel out the door, once again cursing Artie's lack of a dating life, since it seemed to be affecting a lot more than his sex life right now.

Rachel evidently decided to continue her silent treatment on the train, since she immediately put in her earphones and took out her e-reader. To make matters worse, she placed Vlad on the seat next to her and the pie on the seat next to that, only moving them when Kurt and Blaine boarded the train, pulling out her earphones and cheerfully greeting them. Kurt quickly assessed the situation and sat next to Vlad, while Blaine sat on the other side of the aisle with Finn.

Finn sighed, watching Rachel out of the corner of his eye the entire train ride, silently fuming that she was being so difficult. It wasn't his fault that Artie clearly liked Brittany. He'd practically said as much to Finn after Rachel had left. It had been a stroke of (secret) genius on his part to have Brittany's phone call redirected from his line to Artie's when she'd called for directions. Not that he'd be sharing that with Rachel anytime soon.

He closed his eyes, wondering when Artie's love life became so detrimental to his own.

* * *

><p>Rachel seemed fine once she got to his parent's house, playing Uno, helping Carole prepare for tomorrow and joking around during dinner. Figuring he was pressing his luck, he knocked on her open bedroom door, thinking how ridiculous it was that his mother still insisted on them having separate rooms, even though they lived together now. "Rachel?"<p>

Rachel was sitting on the bed, rummaging through her suitcase and she looked up when he entered. "Hi."

Tentatively, he entered the room, crossing swiftly to sit next to her. "Baby, this is insane. Are we seriously sort of fighting about Artie's love life?"

He was relieved when a small laugh escaped Rachel's mouth. "It _does_ sound insane when you say it like that."

"See? Can we just leave Artie's love life to him and worry about our own?" He pressed a kiss to her forehead.

"No. I want him to be as happy as we are," Rachel insisted stubbornly, making Finn chuckle at the irony of the situation.

"We are the It Couple," he mocked.

"Finn! I'm serious!" She slapped him on the shoulder.

"Fine. Can we call a truce then?" He asked, making a show of rubbing where she'd hit.

"Fine. Just don't interfere with me or my methods tomorrow at the party. And don't tip off Artie," Rachel warned.

"Agreed." Finn commented. "Can we seal our truce with a kiss?"

"I have a better idea." She leaned her forehead against his. "Meet me down at the hot tub in 5 minutes and I'll show you the new bathing suit I bought."

"Deal." He got up, hurrying towards the door, only to hear Rachel call after him.

"You watch Finny. By this time tomorrow, Artie will have a girlfriend."

* * *

><p>Rachel climbed out of the boat and wrapped her arm around Finn as they headed towards the house. They'd spent all morning and early afternoon down at the beach with Kurt, Blaine, and Burt, taking turns water-skiing, tubing and fooling around on the boat.<p>

"There you two are!" Carole exclaimed as she came outside with Vlad in her arms. As usual, the Chihuahua was utterly devoted to Carole, following her everywhere, even sleeping in her bed, much to Burt's annoyance, since Vlad growled at Burt every time he tried to get in bed. "Where have you two been?"

Finn rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. He wasn't about to tell his mother about their little tradition of boat sex. "I…uh...took Rachel for a quick ride."

Carole seemed to accept this, too distracted by getting everything done. "Finny, I need you to help Blaine bring up the tables so that Rachel and I can set up."

"No problem Mom." Finn sat down in a patio chair, fiddling with the camera Rachel had just placed on the table. Vlad must have actually missed Finn and Rachel, because he began squirming to be put down, running to Rachel as soon as his paws hit the ground. Rachel scooped him up, laughing and cuddling Vlad to her chest as Carole went back inside. Finn smiled at Rachel and Vlad, and unable to resist, pulled Rachel and Vlad onto his lap, holding the camera out with one arm. "Smile, you two," he directed as he snapped the picture. The two of them peered at the picture, pleased that Vlad was actually looking at the camera.

"Vladdie! You look so good!" Rachel cooed, cuddling Vlad. "You're such a photogenic little dog!"

"He hangs out with some hot girls too," Finn commented, kissing Rachel's temple.

"Hey Finn! Get off your ass and come help me and Blaine!" The sound of Burt's voice spurred Rachel into action and she climbed off his lap, giving him a kiss before heading inside with Vlad to help Carole.

Finn headed over towards the pool, ready to help Blaine set up the tables around the pool. He couldn't help but grin at the sight of the hot tub. If he wasn't sure if Rachel hadn't forgiven him, her antics in the hot tub last night had proven him wrong.

He smirked, thinking he had a good tale for the next Guy's Night.

* * *

><p>Rachel looked around, frowning. The party was in full swing and Artie hadn't arrived yet. Nora was here, standing off to the side and talking to Mercedes, and she noted with satisfaction that Brittany wasn't here yet either.<p>

For the hundredth time, she scanned the yard, looking for any sign of Artie. Her father Hiram was talking with Carole (holding Vlad) and Kurt while Leroy was over with Burt playing horseshoes against Finn and Noah. Mike and Tina were having a volleyball match against Blaine and Quinn in the pool, while various friends, family and neighbors of Carole and Burt were scattered around the yard, talking and dancing.

Her diligence was rewarded when she saw Artie coming around the side of the house and she smiled, ready to get down to some serious matchmaking. Her smile immediately turned into a grimace when she realized who was pushing Artie's wheelchair.

_Brittany._

"Hi Rachel!" she called cheerfully, pushing Artie's wheelchair. "I made some cookies!"

"Hi Brittany. Were you guys on the same train?" Rachel asked, ignoring the cookies Artie held up. She could see Finn watching them out of the corner of her eye and her frown increased, knowing that Finn was smirking about Artie and Brittany arriving together.

"Actually no. Brit called me for directions and then she offered me a ride in her car," Artie said cheerfully. "Come with me, Brit and I'll introduce you to Finn's mom." They wheeled away, heading towards Carole and Vlad, leaving a flabbergasted Rachel in their wake.

Rachel recouped quickly. Clearly, she needed to up her game. She marched over to Mercedes, who was refilling her drink. "Mer, I need your help. I need you to keep Brittany occupied."

"Sure, anything not to have to talk to Nora. Why did you invite her? She's so boring," Mercedes replied. "She just spent a half an hour telling me about her surgery in excruciating detail."

"She's not boring! I'm trying to set him up with Artie!" Rachel hissed.

"Why? He looks like he's got a thing for Brittany," Mercedes commented, watching Artie and Brittany talk to Carole.

"Why does everyone keep saying that? Have you been talking to Finn?" Rachel accused.

"Whoa. Slow down, girl. I was just making an observation," Mercedes responded, holding her hands in the air. "If you want me to keep Brittany busy, I will."

"Good. Start now."

Rachel stalked off, ready to grab Nora and force Artie to interact with her if she had to.

* * *

><p>"Oh, Artie there you are! Can you do me a favor and keep Nora company while I help Carole for a moment?" Rachel asked, stopping Artie mid wheel.<p>

"Uh...I was just going to find Brittany…" Artie stammered. He'd seen Brittany heading towards the pool with Mercedes ready to take on Blaine and Quinn in volleyball and he _really_ wanted to be there when she revealed her bathing suit.

"Please Artie? She doesn't really know anyone else here," Rachel pleaded.

"Uh, ok." He sighed, maybe if he wheeled closer, he'd still get the show.

"Great! Here she comes now! She really enjoyed meeting you the other day," Rachel added, happy that her plan was planning out perfectly. She gestured to Nora, who was walking their way. "Nora, why don't you stay here with Artie while I help Carole with the food?"

"Ok." Nora sat on the chair next to Artie, looking around the yard.

"So…Rachel tells me that you write the travel column for _Maquillage?_" Artie ventured, breaking the silence.

"Yeah."

"Uh…you must have been to some great places," Artie pressed, hoping this would get her to give more than one word answers.

"I guess."

"What was your favorite place?" Artie asked, wondering what he ever did to Rachel to deserve this torture. He checked out the pool area. Damn. Brittany was already in the pool.

"Um… Oregon."

_Oregon?_ The girl gets to travel all over the world and she chooses _Oregon?_

"That's…nice." Artie glanced around; hoping Rachel or _anyone_ would come save him. He'd even settle for Sue Sylvester. He choked back a laugh at the thought of Finn actually inviting Sue to a party.

Fortunately for him, Finn's dorky cousin Adam walked past at that moment. "Hey Adam! Haven't seen you since last year's party! How've you been man?" Artie called, stopping Adam in his tracks.

Adam looked around, unsure that Artie was actually talking to him. Usually, Aunt Carole had to initiate a conversation for Finn and his friends to start talking to him. "Are you talking to me?" he asked uncertainly.

"Of course! How have you been?" Artie boomed.

"I just had my appendix out," Adam said gloomily. "It almost burst."

"Really? I just had a cyst removed!" Nora exclaimed. "Where did you have it done?"

"Have you met Nora? She used to work with Rachel," Artie offered, hoping Adam could take over the Nora sitting duties Rachel had stuck him with.

He shouldn't have worried, because Nora and Adam immediately began swapping hospital tales, not even noticing when Artie quickly wheeled away.

He should really become a matchmaker, he thought smugly. He wheeled off, ready to tell Brittany all about his fantastic matchmaking skills.

* * *

><p>"Rachel. You did a really good job. Artie seems smitten with Brittany," Carole whispered as they arranged the food.<p>

"Yeah, he- _What_?" Rachel whirled around, looking towards where she'd left Artie and Nora happily chatting. To her annoyance, Nora was now chatting with Finn's cousin Adam, the one with the stamp collection. She scanned the yard and found Artie sitting poolside with Finn and Noah, while chatting with Brittany in the pool. "I don't believe him! He promised he wouldn't interfere!"

She put down the dish she was holding forcibly, ready to storm over there and give Finn a piece of her mind. Finn didn't see her coming, but Noah did. "Whoa Berry, why so mad? Gap Kids discontinue the animal sweaters you love so much?"

"Shut it Puckerman! Finnegan a word?" Rachel demanded, marching towards a more secluded area of the yard. Finn quickly followed, wondering what the hell he did now.

"How could you? You _promised_ you wouldn't interfere!" Rachel cried, poking him in the chest repeatedly.

"And I didn't," Finn replied grabbing Rachel's hand to stop it from poking him.

"Then why is your cousin talking to Nora while Artie is alone by the pool?" Rachel pressed. "When I left, Artie was happily talking to Nora."

"I have no idea. I just came over with Puck and Artie was talking to Brittany." He kissed Rachel's poking finger before releasing her hand. "Babe, you're trying too hard. Just let it play out."

"But-"

"No. Stop the matchmaking or else I'm taking back all the closet space you stole from me _and_ I'm telling Puck about your lack of a gag reflex and how you demonstrated it to me that time on Puck's couch while he was in the bathroom," Finn threatened.

"You wouldn't." Rachel crossed her arms, staring at him with narrowed eyes.

"What guy wouldn't love to brag to his guy friends about that?" Finn countered.

"Fine," Rachel huffed, storming back to Carole and Vlad.

Finn watched her go; wondering when the next time he'd get to benefit from the lack of a gag reflex would be if Artie didn't get a girlfriend soon.

* * *

><p>Rachel seethed inwardly for the rest of the night, watching poor Nora get stuck with Adam, who seemed intent on telling Nora everything he was allergic to and what foods Aunt Carole had made that he couldn't eat, while poor Artie was stuck sitting alone with a beer, watching Brittany dance with Mike in the center of the yard. If she hadn't been seething, she might have noticed that Nora was listening rabidly, adding to the conversation with her own list of allergies or that Brittany would frequently dance over to Artie, wheeling his chair as she danced, to the delight of Artie.<p>

She continued watching the four of them the rest of the night, trying to figure out how she could play Cupid without Finn knowing. She was so caught up in her thoughts that she didn't notice Finn grab her hand. "Babe, come on, Burt's lighting off fireworks down by the river."

He pulled her closer to the river, plopping down on the grass and motioning for her to sit between his legs. She settled in willingly, leaning back against Finn's chest. Carole sat down next to her, Vladless.

"Where's Vlad?" Rachel asked in surprise.

"On my bed. He doesn't like the fireworks," Carole responded. "Burt will be thrilled when he sees Vlad's lying on his pillow."

Rachel laughed. "He does that to Finn too. He never lays on my pillow, only his."

"Aunt Carole, I'm going to get going. Fireworks aren't good for my inner ear problems," Adam interrupted.

"Oh, are you leaving already?" Carole fretted. "Why don't you watch from inside?"

"No, it's ok. I promised Nora I'd show her my rare 1865 Civil War Stamp," he explained, smiling as Nora came to stand beside him.

"Thank you for a lovely time," Nora added kindly. She leaned over to an open mouthed Rachel. "Please let Artie down gently for me. He kept trying to talk to me, I think he has a thing for me, but he's just not my type. Too boring."

"I…" Rachel was temporarily at a loss for words, feeling Finn shaking as he tried to control his laughter behind her. Once Adam and Nora walked away, he didn't bother to hide his laughter, lying on his back as he howled uncontrollably.

"It's not funny, Finn!" Rachel cried, twisting to look at him. Even Carole was trying to suppress her laughter.

"Yes it is! She thinks _Artie's_ boring? Adam keeps a running journal of all his hospital visits and goes to _Star Wars_ conventions!" He continued howling.

"Rachel, I have to say that if you found Adam a girlfriend, my sister will be _thrilled_, because he's 35 and never had one before. It might even get him to move out of her house," Carole added, her laughter soon joining her son's.

Rachel huffed a little, but eventually she started to chuckle slightly. "I just wanted Artie to have someone."

They fell silent as the fireworks started, watching the bright colors explode against the night sky before filtering out.

"Hey babe, look over there." Finn whispered in her ear, turning her head with his fingers. Her eyes followed the direction her head was turned to see Brittany, sitting on Artie's lap, their heads insanely close together.

"Are they _kissing?_" Rachel cried, watching as Brittany wrapped her arms around Artie's neck pulling him closer.

"I'd say so," Finn responded.

"But…"

"No buts," Finn said, silencing her with a kiss. "Be happy. You set out to create one couple and you actually created two. Very impressive."

"That's true. I'm a very good matchmaker," Rachel agreed, snuggling into Finn's chest and wrapping his arms around her. "I was right about one other thing, you know."

"What's that?"

"I _told _you that by this time tonight Artie would have a girlfriend."

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: I really wanted to get this out in time for the 4th of July, but my own celebrations got in the way!**_


	5. Rachel Saves The Day

**_Disclaimer: Glee is not mine._**

* * *

><p><strong>"<em>Are you crying? There's no crying! There's no crying in baseball!"<em>**

**_- A League of Their Own_**

* * *

><p>"Here's the finalized softball roster you requested, Mr. Hudson," Marc called, knocking on Finn's office door.<p>

Finn looked up from the layout he'd been examining. "Great. Let me just look at it, then you can fax it over to Sylvester Total Fitness." He took the roster from him, ready to check it over a final time. He'd already had someone from the proofreading department of the publishing company upstairs check it over, but this was going to Sue, and he really didn't want to give her any more ammunition. Marc nodded and headed back to his desk just as Artie came wheeling in.

"Finn! Did you hear! Huge problem!" Artie cried, wheeling over to Finn's desk as fast as he could.

"What is it?" Finn asked, hoping that whatever the problem was, it was something that could wait until tomorrow. Rachel was at a meeting with her editor and he really wanted to play some COD before she got home. He grabbed the roster and his backpack, ready to give the roster to Marc on his way out. "Wheel with me, Dude."

"Wait. You might want to sit down," Artie advised. Finn sat as requested, dropping his backpack on the floor next to his chair. Artie waited until he was settled before dropping his bombshell on Finn. "Sam broke his leg."

The impact of his statement wasn't lost on Finn. "When you say Sam broke his leg, _please_ tell me that you mean your Uncle Sam and not our starting pitcher Sam."

Artie stared at him. "Sorry, I don't have an Uncle Sam. I do have an Uncle George though."

Finn stared at the roster, trying to figure out what to do. "Shit. What are we gonna do? We're playing Sylvester Total Fitness in two days!" He studied the roster again. "Jon's our other pitcher and we're gonna have to move him from left field, which means Will has to move over, which means our whole defense is shot."

"Mr. Hudson! Call on line two!" Marc's voice interrupted his thoughts. His mind still on the softball roster, he picked up the phone.

"Finn Hudson." He cradled the phone under one arm as he passed the roster over to Artie, hoping he'd be able to come up with a solution.

"Forty-five seconds. That's how long I was on hold for. That is simply unacceptable." Finn groaned as he heard the voice of Sue Sylvester come through the phone. He mouthed her name to Artie as he pressed speaker and replaced the phone on its hook.

"What can I do for you, Sue?"

"Well Fran, I haven't gotten a finalized roster from you, which makes me think that you're having problems with the new roster rule."

Finn stared at Artie in surprise. He hadn't heard about a new rule and from the look on Artie's face, he hadn't either. "New rule?"

"Now, don't tell me you didn't get the memo? My assistant Becky is league secretary; she had the memo sent out to every team a month ago, so we'd be set for the start of the season. That's a _shame_ you didn't get it," Sue's voice dripped with false sincerity through the speaker.

"What's the new rule?" Finn asked, hoping Sue hadn't followed through on her threat to get players over six feet tall banned.

"Only something I've been lobbying for for years. As of this season, all teams _must _have female representation. I realize that your team is made up of nothing _but_ girls and believe me, I tried to tell the league that, but they insist that a vagina be present."

_Girls? _If they weren't screwed by Sam's broken leg, they were really done for now. Despite what Sue thought of his team, every player on his team was male. He glanced at Artie, knowing he was thinking the same thing. "How many girls have to be on the team?"

"That's up to you. All I know is that I better get an updated roster by 9AM tomorrow morning. I'll need twenty four hours to do a comprehensive background check on the poor girl forced to play with you losers. Maybe I should do a psychiatric evaluation too."

"Is that all?" Finn asked, running a hand through his hair.

"For now. I'll be waiting for your roster. And Hudson, there better be a legitimate girl on your roster, don't go thinking you can put Chang in a wig." She hung up before Finn or Artie could say anything.

"We are _so_ screwed." Artie's statement echoed Finn's thoughts.

"What happened?" Mike asked, walking in just in time to hear Artie's comment.

"New league rule. Every team has to have a girl on it," Artie replied. "And also, Sam broke his leg."

"Oh. _Oh." _Mike sat down on Finn's couch as the implications of his statement washed over him.

"How about Quinn?" Artie suggested. "She's gotten much more willing to help others since she started dating Puck."

"She's at that conference in LA, remember?" Mike responded; his brow furrowed in concentration. "Maybe Lucille would do it?"

"Are you serious? She's like 90!" Finn cried. He sat back in his chair, trying to think. "Maybe I could ask Allie. You think she'd play if I asked her?"

"I've got it!" Mike announced triumphantly. He waited until Artie and Finn were both staring at him. "Lauren."

"Who?" Artie looked blank, as did Finn.

"Lauren Zices. You know; the one in computer graphics?" Artie and Finn still looked blank, so Mike elaborated further. "The one who put Nick in a chokehold and flipped him on his back when he called her design crappy?" He grinned as comprehension dawned on both Finn's and Artie's faces.

"Dude, she's perfect! But uh, who's gonna ask her?" Finn asked, hoping they wouldn't say him. Lauren Zices could easily kick the crap out of him and if she was pissed off by their suggestion, he _really _didn't want to be on the receiving end of one of her chokeholds. Supposedly she'd been a state wrestling champ in high school.

In a _boy's_ league.

"You are," both Mike and Artie said simultaneously.

"What? Why me?" Finn cried.

"New wheelchair. Can't afford another if she flips it," Artie said quickly.

"Getting married soon. Can't afford to have my face disfigured," Mike added just as quick. "Besides _you're_ the captain."

Crap. He was hoping they wouldn't remember that. Sighing, he grabbed his backpack and stood up. "Fine. I'll do it. But you two are coming with me. If she kills me, you two can bring my body to Rachel."

Slowly, the three of headed towards computer design, each feeling like a lamb to slaughter.

* * *

><p>Lauren's office was tucked away in the back of the computer department. Unlike the Executive area, which was bright and cheery, the computer department was dark and sparsely decorated. Wanting to get this over with, Finn knocked on Lauren's door. "Lauren?"<p>

Lauren spun around in her chair. She was a large woman, with dark hair and thick glasses. "What do you three want?"

"Uh…there's an opening on the softball team and we wanted to know if you wanted to join," Finn blurted out, keeping an eye out for any movement on Lauren's part.

"Softball, you say?" Lauren pursed her lips in thought, tapping her fingers on her desk. "Is that for me?" she asked, looking at the chocolate bar in Artie's lap, the one he'd just gotten out of the vending machine on the way over.

"Yeah, we brought it just for you." Finn yanked the bar out of Artie's hand before he could protest, handing it to Lauren.

"You're going to have to do better than one candy bar," Lauren commented as she unwrapped it, Artie looking on longingly. "What position would I play? I don't do Right field, that's for losers and people who don't know what they're doing."

"Catcher?" Artie suggested. "You could easily take down anyone who tries to come home." Lauren looked slightly peeved at his comment. "What with your legendary wrestling skills," he quickly added, relieved when Lauren's expression changed from peeved to thoughtful.

"Alright, I'll do it. It's going to cost you a box of Mallomars a game and I mean the real Mallomars; not those crappy knockoffs Schuester always supplies in the Break Room."

"Great!" Finn replied, relieved that this was so easy. "I'll let my secretary know about the Mallomars. Our first game is this Friday night at 7 and it's a big one. We're playing our arch-enemy Sylvester Total Fitness." He turned to go, Artie and Mike right behind him.

"Problem."

That one word stopped the three of them in their tracks. Slowly, they turned to stare at Lauren, who was now leaning back in her chair.

"What's that?" Finn asked, afraid of what the answer was going to be.

"The new _Twilight_ movie comes out this Friday night at 12:01 AM."

"So? Can't you just see the movie after the game?" Finn asked, not seeing what the problem was.

"I'm offended by the stupidity of that statement. The movie comes out at 12:01AM which means that I need to be in line by 9:30 which means I need to start getting into my Team Edward Vampire costume by 7:30 which means softball is out."

"Are you serious? You're going to miss softball for a stupid _vampire_ movie?" Artie cried, unable to help himself.

"For that comment, the price of my services just went up to a box of Mallomars _and_ a box of double stuffed Oreos per game. It's _not_ a stupid vampire movie. This happens to be the last one and it's my last chance to get Robert Pattinson's attention." She indicated a photo tacked to her bulletin board which showed Edward Cullen about to sink his neck into Bella, only instead of Bella, Lauren had used the computer to superimpose her head onto Bella's body.

"Alright, you'll miss this one, but you'll be at the others?" Finn asked, an idea forming in his mind. It was a little crazy, but with the right amount of persuasion, he felt sure he could pull it off.

"As long as you guys don't suck. I don't associate with losers." Lauren turned back to her computer, effectively dismissing them.

"Thanks Lauren!" Finn said cheerfully as he walked out, a confused Artie and Mike behind him.

"What the hell Finn? We're in the same position as before!" Mike hissed.

"I've got an idea. Come on, we gotta get to the sporting goods store," Finn announced, hurrying towards the elevator.

* * *

><p>"I'm home!" Rachel called out into the apartment, brushing her finger over their wedding photo as she walked past it, a smile appearing on her face at the memory.<p>

"We're in here!" Finn called back. Rachel followed his voice to the living room, expecting to see Finn and Vlad, but found Artie and Mike there too.

"Hey guys, what's going on?" Rachel asked, walking over to Finn and giving him a kiss. She could see rosters and diagrams spread out on the table and figured that whatever they were doing had something to do with the upcoming battle with Sylvester Total Fitness. "Softball problems?"

"You could say that," Artie commented, earning a glare from Finn. They'd agreed to let Finn to the persuading.

"Big problem, babe. Sue got a new rule passed that says every team must have a girl on it and that a girl must play in each game," Finn began, easing into his idea slowly.

"So? I'm sure there's lots of girls at Schuester's who'd like to play," Rachel suggested, taking Vlad from Artie's lap and cuddling him. "Is my Vladimir ready for dinner?" she cooed, getting Vlad's tail to wag excitedly.

"Well we did find one. You remember Lauren Zices?"

Rachel nodded, remembering Lauren from the various office parties, but more focused on Vlad and getting him his dinner.

"She agreed to play, but can't make this Friday's game because the Twilight movie is coming out and apparently she needs to dress up." Finn rolled his eyes at the ridiculousness of the situation, something he wouldn't dare do in front of Lauren.

"Oh, she's a Twihard? I don't see the appeal of the books myself, but I understand a lot of people like them. I'm sure it won't be a problem if she misses one game. Come on, Vladdie, let's get your dinner." She started walking towards the kitchen, an excited Chihuahua in her arms.

"We need you to play, Ray," Finn blurted out. Rachel stopped dead in her tracks and slowly turned around, to the confusion of Vlad.

"Me? Why?"

"There's no one else. Quinn's away in LA and every other woman is too old or flat out refused to do it."

"Or is Santana," Mike added helpfully.

"But why me? Wouldn't Brittany or Tina be a better choice? I have no athletic ability," Rachel asked, putting Vlad down and twisting the new ring on her left hand nervously. Vlad, anxious for his dinner, began weaving through her legs as a reminder that he was dinnerless.

"Baby, it's only for one game, after that you can just be a sub for Lauren. Tina's busy getting ready for her engagement party this weekend and Brittany is checking out a new spa for an article that day, right guys?" He looked to Mike and Artie for confirmation. "Besides, did you really think I'd let you go out there with no preparation? I know how you feel about being prepared, so I got you something."

Finn reached down next to the couch and produced a shoe box, glove and a pink bat, each adorned with a bow.

Rachel couldn't help but laugh at the pink bat. She took the shoe box from Finn, opening it to find a pair of size six cleats. "You guys must be really desperate, huh?" She looked up to see them nodding and sighed. "Fine. I'll do it for one game."

"Thanks, babe," Finn replied. "There's just one more thing."

"Let me guess. I'm the starting pitcher?" Rachel asked sarcastically.

"Of course not. You know how Sue does background checks to make sure every player is an employee?" Rachel nodded, not seeing where this was going. "Well we need you to come to work with us tomorrow and answer Artie's phone."

"_What_?"

"It's just for tomorrow and Friday. She calls every person listed on the roster to make sure they're valid employees. Artie's secretary just quit, so it's perfect."

"You don't have to do anything," Artie added quickly. "We just need you to answer the phone."

"Bring your laptop and work on your new manuscript," Finn suggested.

"I guess," Rachel responded, doubting the wisdom of this plan. "But what about hitting the ball? I can't hit or field."

"We'll go out and practice after dinner," Finn promised. He tossed the glove to Rachel, who tried to catch it and missed by a mile.

Finn exchanged looks with Artie and Mike. "Yeah, uh, you're gonna play right field, Rach."

* * *

><p>"Ready baby?" Finn called out to right field where Rachel stood, waiting for the ball. He threw the ball up, hitting it towards her, praying that this time, she'd at least come close to catching it. The ball sailed towards her, and he could see Mike and Artie out there telling her what to do, helping her prepare for the arrival of the ball. Like they'd showed her, she put her glove in the air, preparing herself underneath the trajectory of the ball. Just like the other twenty times they'd done this, Rachel's head turned away at the last minute, taking her eyes off the ball and allowing it to sail over her glove.<p>

"Rach! _Don't turn your head_!" Finn called out yet again.

"It's going to hit me! I know it!" Rachel called back insistently. He could see her stomping her foot, her gloved hand on her hip.

"I already told you, if you keep turning your head, it _will_ hit you," he yelled back. "Watch Mike." He hit a fly ball out towards Mike who expertly caught it and threw it back. "See Rachel?"

"You didn't hit it as hard to him as you did to me!" Rachel yelled.

Finn sighed, knowing that he was fighting a losing battle. "Fine. Let's try hitting."

Rachel skipped happily from the outfield, dropping her glove and picking up her pink bat. "What do I do?"

Finn placed a helmet on his wife's head, leading her over to the batter's box and enjoying helping her get into position and swing a few practice swings. "Nothing to it, when Mike throws the ball, you just take a step and swing the bat." He quickly got out of the way, standing behind the cage with Artie.

Rachel proved much better at hitting than at fielding, managing to make contact with the ball several times. Each time, she'd watch the ball, pleased at how far the ball went. "Look Finny! Look how far that one went!"

'I saw baby!" he called out. "Too bad there's no Designated Hitter in softball," he whispered to Artie.

"My hands hurt," Rachel announced, which Finn knew meant "_I'm done_" in Rachelspeak.

"Alright, we can practice more tomorrow," Finn replied, walking over to Rachel and putting his arm around her shoulder as they said goodbye to Artie and Mike.

"I did alright, right Finn?" Rachel asked worriedly as they walked home.

"You did fantastic, babe," Finn assured her, mentally trying to figure out a game plan that covered most of Right field. Because if there was one thing he knew, it was that Sue Sylvester was going to notice the weakness in right field immediately and exploit it.

Rachel better get over her fear of getting hit with the ball _fast_, because Finn had a feeling that a lot of balls were going to be coming her way.

* * *

><p>"Arthur Abrams' office, Rachel speaking," Rachel said into the phone, not bothering to look away from her laptop. This was her second day of answering Artie's phone and Sue had yet to call. She'd spent all day yesterday at the secretary's desk, answering the phone only to have to hand it off to Artie's temporary secretary each time. The only exciting thing she'd done yesterday was order a new pair of boots online.<p>

Practice last night hadn't gone very well either. She didn't have a problem hitting the ball, but still hadn't caught a single one. They'd tried everything they could think of to get her to catch the ball, but nothing helped. Instinct and fear of the ball made her turn her head and miss the ball every time.

The game was tonight, so she figured Sue would be calling at some point today. Artie had prepped her on what her 'job' entailed and she was ready with her notebook in front of her. In Rachel's mind, this was all a little excessive, but it was important to Finn, so she went with it.

"Is this Rachel _Berry_?" a woman's voice asked.

Startled, Rachel tore her gaze from her latest manuscript. "Yes, I'm Rachel Berry."

"Please hold for Coach Sylvester," the voice informed her.

Rachel waved frantically in the direction of Artie's office, hoping he'd notice. He did, and immediately wheeled out of his office, ready to offer quick responses if Rachel faltered.

"Sue Sylvester here."

"Hello?" Rachel asked, unsure of what to say since it didn't seem like Sue was going to say anything.

"What do you want? My time is valuable," Sue barked into the phone.

"You called me," Rachel pointed out.

"Oh, that's right. Just the sound of a Schuester's employee's voice makes me zone out. Nevertheless, gotta do my pre-game check. Are you or are you not Rachel Berry?"

"I am," Rachel said slowly. Technically, in her personal life, she was a Hudson now, but Finn had faxed over her old driver's license and listed her on the roster as Rachel Berry, despite her protests. Finn had been adamant that she use her maiden name, claiming if Sue saw another Hudson on the roster she'd deepen her background checks and cause even more chaos than she normally did.

"You're employed by Schuester's?"

"I'm secretary to Arthur Abrams," Rachel replied, rolling her eyes.

"Who?"

"I believe you know him as Wheels."

"Ah, right. He ever find out who put the glue on his wheel axels? Shame that super glue ruined his wheels."

"Yes, it was. Especially since he had to be carried home and stay home until his wheelchair could be fixed," Rachel snapped, knowing that Sue was behind that attack. Artie had been mortified when he realized his wheels wouldn't turn and Finn and Mike had had to take turns carrying him home.

Undaunted, Sue pressed on with her interrogation. "Do you still live at East 84th and 1st Avenue, apartment 28D?"

"Yes." That hadn't been her address in several years, but whatever.

"And how tall are you?"

"Um, five foot three," Rachel replied, confused by the direction the questions were taking.

"So you're a dwarf. Schuester's team's got a thing for dwarves it seems. There's always one in the stands mauling Hudson."

Rachel froze, annoyed by Sue's accusation. She did _not _maul Finn. In public anyway. So what if she always gave him a good luck kiss before every game? That hardly qualified as mauling in her opinion.

She glanced at Artie, who mouthed something, prompting her response. She recovered enough to say, "Yes, I'm short."

"How unfortunate for you. And you're a citizen of the United States?"

"Yes."

"Alright, just a few more questions for you."

"Has Will Schuester ever had an affair with you or any other secretary?"

"_What?_ No!" Rachel cried horrified that Sue would even think to ask a question like that. She could hear a pen scratching paper and wondered if Sue was writing her answers down.

"Hmm. I guess I'll have to rethink the whole getting Schuester kicked out of the league for bad ethics plan. Final question. Were you born a female or are you in the process of changing like Schuester?"

"I was born female."

"I'm afraid I'll need to see a birth certificate as proof. Fax it over to my office." She hung up the phone before Rachel could say anything.

"Well?" Artie asked.

"She wants a copy of my birth certificate as proof I was born female. This woman is insane."

Artie rolled his eyes. "You've officially been interrogated by Sue Sylvester. Welcome to the team."

* * *

><p>"Heads up!" Finn called, tossing the ball to Rachel in the outfield. She put her glove up, but as usual, turned her head, her eyes squeezed shut making her miss the ball.<p>

Finn shook his head and jogged over to Rachel, putting his hands on her shoulders. "Ray, you _gotta_ look at the ball. Sue sees you do that and she'll make sure that all the balls go to you. Plus, if you don't look, you _will_ get hurt."

"Really?" Rachel bit her lip as she looked up at him.

"Really," he replied as he shook her shoulders playfully, trying not to notice that she looked really hot in her little black shorts and red Schuester Advertising t-shirt. The only thing he didn't like about her appearance was the absence of her engagement and wedding rings, since she'd left them with Kurt according to plan. Kurt had done a fantastic job with her disguise, finding her a much more subtle blonde wig than the last time she'd come disguised to a game. This time her hair was a nice, natural honey blonde and he'd put on much more makeup than she normally wore. "You look really hot by the way. I'm kind of liking the blond hair."

"I feel weird without my rings," Rachel admitted, wrapping her arms around him. "I know it's only been a month and a half since the wedding, but I still feel weird."

"I don't like you without them either," Finn replied, dropping a kiss on her head. "But it's all for the cause. Remember, once Sue comes, we're not married."

"Let's try it again before she gets here." Rachel pulled away from him, sighing, that determined look he knew so well on her face. He jogged a little distance away, tossing the ball to her again. He thought she might actually catch the ball this time, since she was staring hard at it, but she screwed her eyes shut at the last minute and missed the ball.

"Crap. She's here," Finn muttered. "Let's get you off the field before she sees. Are those your dads sitting with my parents and Kurt and Blaine?" he asked, peering in the stands to see two men waving excitedly from the bleachers.

"Oh they're here! I called them this morning from Artie's office to tell them I was playing. Dad's _very_ excited." Rachel bounded over to them, Finn following behind. He wasn't sure, but it looked like Hiram had a Champagne bottle in one hand and a plastic Champagne flute in the other along with a picnic basket at his feet. "Dad! Daddy!"

"Princess! We're so excited to see your big debut, we even brought Champagne! What role are you playing?" Hiram asked excitedly, pouring some champagne for Carole and Kurt. The three of them had set up what Kurt liked to call the VIP area, complete with comfortable chairs and cup holders, leaving Burt, Blaine, and LeRoy to sit in the bleachers next to them.

"Right field," Rachel announced proudly. Carole, Kurt, and Hiram ooohed, impressed, while LeRoy, Blaine and Burt exchanged knowing looks with Finn.

Rachel led Carole, Kurt and Hiram over to check out her pink bat and say hello to Vlad, who was snoozing away over on Artie's lap, leaving Finn with his new father-in-law, Blaine and Burt.

"Right field, huh? She's that bad?" LeRoy asked sympathetically. "I blame Hiram. She clearly got her bad sports genes from him. He would never let me put her in sports, fearing she'd get hurt, so all I could do was watch games on TV with her."

"I put Kurt in sports and all he wanted to do was design the uniforms, so don't feel too bad, LeRoy," Burt added, clapping LeRoy on the back.

"She's afraid of the ball," Finn admitted. "I've been working with her for the past two days and she has yet to catch a single ball or even a grounder. Hitting wise, she's ok, but Mike's gonna have to play center and right. Once Sue Sylvester realizes how weak right is, I know she's going to exploit that. I don't want Rachel getting upset."

"Why is she wearing a wig?" Burt asked.

"_Wheels!"_ Finn froze as the melodic sounds of Sue's bullhorn nearby invaded his ears. "Where's your incompetent secretary? A birth certificate was never faxed over to me as I requested. Don't you teach your secretaries to use a fax machine? Even Gigantor knows how to use one!"

"_That's_ why." Finn turned to see Sue striding across the baseball diamond, bullhorn in hand and the umpire behind her. "Great. She's starting already."

Sue spotted him, and altered her course, heading towards Finn instead.

"Ah, Hudson, there you are. Prepared to start another season of losing?" Sue barked through her bullhorn. "You like my new additions?" She pointed to her dugout, where two cannons were being set up. "Got myself some confetti cannons. I'm planning on having them make their debut today once I kick your ass."

Finn rolled his eyes. "Good to see you too, Sue."

"Where's William? Stuck at the salon?" Sue asked, aiming the bullhorn right at Finn's face. "And where's the female representation on your team? You'll have to forfeit if you can't produce a girl other than Schuester."

"Rach!" Finn called. Rachel came running over, her pink bat in her hand. Finn ignored Sue as he grabbed the little pink bat from Rachel, figuring the extra weight of Rachel's bat combined with his own bat would be good for practice swings.

Sue's eyes lit up when she saw the pink bat, her bullhorn coming to her lips immediately. "Your Bat Girl doesn't count as female presentation, Gigantor. Even if the pink of your new bat really brings out your eyes."

"She's _not_ the Bat Girl, she's our new player. This is Artie's secretary, Rachel."

"Well done, Hudson. You actually got a real female to not only talk to you, but agree to help you. It's an upgrade from that dwarf who's always following you around, but a piece of advice: the pink bat looks like something Lady Trousers over there would use."

"It's my bat, Sue," Rachel said defensively. "I think it's pretty."

"Pretty? _Pretty?_" Sue spat out. "This is _softball_! There's nothing pretty about softball! Especially if you take a look at Hudson's team! Schuester's hair is proof of that! Which reminds me." She strode away, screaming for her assistant. "Becky! Check the balls for evidence of hair gel residue! Can't have Schuester tampering with the game balls!"

"She just gets more pleasant each year, doesn't she?" Burt commented.

* * *

><p>As Finn predicted, Sue looked like Christmas had come early once she realized how bad Rachel was in right field, immediately demanding that her entire team hit the ball to Rachel. Fortunately, this was easier said than done, so Rachel had a relatively easy first few innings to the chagrin of Sue, who promptly began kicking people off her team until she was stopped by the umpire.<p>

The few times a ball was hit towards his wife, Finn would watch from his position at shortstop as Rachel valiantly tried to overcome her fear of the ball and catch it, failing every time, and it was all he could do to keep himself from running out there and catching the balls for her. Mike helped as much as he could, running over from center field to either catch the ball or stop it from going further once it went past Rachel.

She did much better at the plate, managing to hit a single, to the delight of her cheering section and the annoyance of Sue, who berated her pitcher for allowing someone who called a bat _pretty_ to get on base. Sue had mocked the pink bat relentlessly, claiming that Will's entire team should be using pink bats.

It wasn't until the sixth inning that things got interesting. Rachel was still hopeless at catching fly balls, but she had managed to stop the occasional ground ball. She'd been so surprised that she actually stopped the ball that she momentarily forgot to throw it back, allowing the runner to be safe at first. Regardless, Finn had been filled with pride when he realized she actually stopped a ball, resisting the urge to run over there and hug her.

Unfortunately for him, Rachel's mistake allowed Sue herself to advance to second base, placing her within speaking distance of him. As usual, she immediately began her running commentary, alternating between how much he sucked, pink bats, and of course, Will's hair.

"You seem a little down Hudson. What's the matter? Sad that you had to special order a pink bat in Gigantor size and it didn't arrive in time for the game?"

Finn ignored her, throwing Sue a dirty look.

"Gotta be honest, Hudson. That pink bat really shocked me. What's next? Lady Trousers pitching?"

"Sue, would you just lay off the bat? She likes pink, most girls do. Not that you would know anything about that," Finn spat, keeping his eyes on the batter.

"The odd of me _not_ commenting about that bat are about as likely as William avoiding a sale on hair gel. Oops, gotta go!" Sue took off from second as the ball flied towards center, purposely pushing Finn as hard as she could as she went past, surprising him and sending him flying forward. The third base umpire immediately began yelling at Sue, who promptly started screaming back, claiming Finn's immense body got in _her_ way.

Finn just rolled his eyes, knowing that Sue wasn't going to get kicked out. The umpires had learned the hard way that it was easier to let Sue off with a warning, rather than risk her wrath after the game, ever since that incident several years ago where an umpire found himself the victim of a ball to the groin as he left the field. Just like he thought, the umpire warned Sue, signaling for the game to continue.

Sue continued her taunting of Finn, only this time she was on his right instead of his left. "Well Hudson, what should we talk about now? How much you suck or how William's new haircut is making him look like even more of a lesbian than usual? You know what, I think I'm just gonna go with the fact that the girl in right is actually a vast improvement over the rest of your crappy team."

Finn was about to reply when he heard the crack of the bat and realized that the ball was headed on a line drive straight for Rachel.

Ignoring Sue, he watched as Rachel ran towards the ball, glove out, prepared to stop the ball after it hit the ground. What she wasn't prepared for was for the ball to bounce up after it hit the ground, bouncing over her glove and ricocheting off of her cheek, rolling lazily towards Mike as Rachel dropped to the ground. Mike threw the ball into the infield, and ran over to Rachel, calling for a time out.

Finn took off at a run, his only thought Rachel. Mike was crouching next to her, comforting her, while she held a hand to her face. Finn got there in record time, barely able to take his eyes off of her. "Rachel! What happened?"

He crouched down in front of her, sweeping her into a much needed hug for both her _and _him, before pulling away to see the damage.

"Let me see," he said gently, tugging her hand off her face. He lifted her chin with his other hand, revealing an already swelling cheekbone and huge brown eyes threatening to spill over. The sight of the paramedic rushing towards them caused the tears to start falling and her lip to start quivering.

"Shh, baby, you're gonna be fine," Finn promised, wiping the tears away with his thumb. He _hated_ to see her cry, and the fact that she'd been basically forced into doing this by him was making it even worse. He could hear Sue's bullhorn working the sidelines, outraged that Rachel's injury negated the run she'd just scored.

The paramedic quickly checked her cheek over, pronouncing it just a bad bruise. Relieved, Finn helped her up, escorting her over to the sidelines, where Hiram and Carole were ready with ice packs and comfort. Hiram lead her over to the VIP section he, Carole and Kurt had created, slipping a cool glass of water in her hand, while Carole gently applied an ice pack over her cheek, brushing her tears away with a napkin.

Finn watched, dumbfounded at the fact that they'd essentially pushed him away. He was the husband; shouldn't _he_ be the one taking care of her?

"I got it, Mom." He tried to take the ice pack from his mom, but she brushed his hand away.

"Finn, how many times did I have to do this for you? You go play your game; we'll take care of Rachel," Carole directed in her best _mother knows best_ voice.

"But-"

"Finny, go play." This came from Rachel, which surprised him. He knelt down in front of her, his hands on her knees.

"Baby, are you sure?"

Rachel removed the ice pack from her cheek, revealing the bruise that was already starting to form. "I'll be fine. If you don't get back out there, Sue's going to have a conniption. We're not married, remember?" He could hear Sue screaming for him to get back on the field through her bullhorn.

"If you're sure," Finn said doubtfully, not particularly caring about Sue or the game at the moment.

"I'm positive. I'll just sit here, with Carole, Daddy, and Kurt. Now go." She squeezed his hand, signaling him to go.

Very reluctantly, he got up and jogged back over to shortstop, picking up his glove from the ground, Sue heralding his arriving from her position on third base.

"It's about time, Hudson. I've been so bored waiting for you out here that I was _almost_ desperate enough to listen to William give a lecture on his morning hair care routine."

"Shut it, Sue," Finn warned, his eyes focused on Rachel.

"What's the matter, Hudson? With the girl injured, you're free to use the pink bat now."

Finn, on the verge of forgetting everything his mother ever told him about hitting girls, was about to retort with a scathing reply, but the crack of the bat commanded his attention. To his delight and Sue's fury, the ball was popped up, and he easily caught it, ending the inning. He tossed the ball towards the mound, hurrying off the field and towards Rachel.

He was relieved to see that she was no longer crying, instead laughing at something Artie had just said. Vlad was now installed on her lap, his front paws on her shoulders as he licked her face. He rushed over to her, anxious to see how she was feeling; unaware that Sue Sylvester was hot on his heels.

"Rach, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?" he asked, yanking Kurt out of the chair next to her and sitting in it. "You don't have to play the rest of the game if you don't want to." He reached for her hand, surprised when she pulled it away.

"That's where you're wrong, Gigantor."

Finn, now understanding why Rachel had pulled away, turned to look at the unwelcome intruder. "What are you talking about, Sue?"

"Well, Fran, as you I told you on the phone, this new rule is one I've lobbied for for years. One of the stipulations in the rule is something I insisted be added. Let's take a look, shall we? Becky! My rulebook!"

Becky, standing just behind Sue, stepped forward and handed Sue her rulebook, opening it to a bookmarked page. Sue pulled out her glasses and cleared her throat before reading. _"Each team must be required to have one or more females on the team. Each defensive inning must include a female on the field."_

"What's your point Sue?"

"I put that little gem in to prevent people like Will Schuester from cheating and having a girl on the team who plays only one inning and then spends the rest of the game on the bench. William aside, you have only one legitimate female on your team. _Her._" She pointed to Rachel as she continued. "She _has_ to play the remainder of the game. She doesn't play, you forfeit."

"Are you serious? She's hurt! She can't play!" Finn cried. He'd had it with Sue and her antics. All he wanted to do right now was take care of his wife.

"Not my problem, Hudson." Sue shrugged, unable to hide the smirk on her face at the thought of besting Schuester so early in the season.

"There's extenuating circumstances, what does the rule book say about that?" Artie asked, crossing his arms as he stared at Sue.

"It doesn't matter, Artie. I'm going to play," Rachel announced, handing Vlad over to Carole and standing up.

"_What_? Ba- Rachel, you're injured, you shouldn't be playing," Finn insisted, standing up also.

"Listen to him, Rachel, he knows what he's talking about, even if he did make the mistake of going to work for William," Sue offered, both surprised and annoyed by this turn of events.

"Will you _go away_?" Finn snapped, his impatience with both Rachel and Sue growing.

"Fine. I've got to throw my warm up pitches anyway. I believe you're up third, Rachel. I look forward to it." Giving them a final smirk, Sue stalked off, Becky right behind her.

"Rachel, I need to talk to you. _Now._" Before she could protest, he pulled her away from the bleachers, not stopping until he was behind the snack bar and away from Sue's all seeing eyes.

"I know what you're going to say, and it doesn't matter. I'm playing," Rachel insisted before he could say anything.

"I don't want you to play. What if you get hit again?" Finn asked, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "It's just a game. Everyone will understand."

"I'll be careful. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get ready to hit." Rachel started to walk away, only to have Finn grab her arm. "What?"

"Rachel, I_ really_ don't think it's a good idea for you to play. Sue's out for blood and I'd rather she go after me than you."

"Was I or was I not the one who issued Santana a verbal smack down and came out unscathed? I think I can handle Sue," Rachel insisted stubbornly.

Finn sighed, knowing that Rachel was going to do what she wanted no matter what he said. He bent down to her level, his hands gently cupping her face as his thumb lightly ghosted over her bruise. He leaned closer, placing a kiss on her forehead. "Promise me you'll be careful?"

"I promise." Rachel leaned up, brushing her lips lightly against his.

"I'm telling you now, if she does _anything_ to you, or you get so much as a broken nail, I'm pulling you out of the game," Finn warned.

"Nothing's going to happen, Finny. I'll be fine." Determined, Rachel patted his cheek and strode off, grabbing a batting helmet and her pink bat, leaving Finn to both marvel at and curse the resolve of his wife.

"She's going to play?" Carole asked as Finn came back over to the little group.

"Is that wise?" Hiram added nervously.

"She's insisting. I don't want her to, but you know how stubborn she can be when she decides to do something." Finn looked out to the field, where Sue was currently pitching to Will. Despite the fact that it was slow pitch softball, she was winding up as if it was fast pitch.

"Sylvester! You do that again and you're out of here!" the umpire warned to Finn's relief. He'd been having palpitations just thinking of Rachel getting hit with one of those.

Sue began pitching correctly, deliberately tossing the ball as close to Will as possible, forcing him to back away from the plate each time. The umpire awarded Will first base, in spite of Sue's protests. Finn could see Matt heading to second, which meant that there were two men on base for Rachel.

Sue smirked as she saw Rachel take her place in the batter's box, turning to her team. "Move it in guys! We've got a _girl _in the box!"

The outfield and position players obediently moved closer to home plate, assuming that Rachel wasn't going to hit the ball far, if she even hit it at all.

Finn clenched his fists as the first pitch brushed Rachel off the plate, but held his tongue, knowing Rachel would be pissed if he interfered. Beside him, Carole gripped his arm, while LeRoy yelled out words of encouragement.

Rachel swung at the next pitch and missed, earning a laugh from Sue. "Hey, William! She sucks at hitting almost as much as you do!" she called over to Will.

Rachel prepared for the next pitch, gripping the bat tightly. Sue released the ball, still laughing. The ball sailed like a rocket towards Rachel, who swung exactly the way Finn had shown her, swinging as hard as she could and connecting with the ball with a resounding _thwack._

She immediately took off running towards first, as the ball zoomed back towards Sue, who was forced to drop to the ground when the ball shot just past her head, heading into the outfield.

Will and Matt both began running as soon as Rachel made contact with the ball; taking advantage of the fact that since Sue had insisted the outfield move in, the ball actually went over the centerfielder's head. Matt scored easily, while Will made it to third.

"Run Rachel!" Finn screamed, seeing that Rachel was unsure of what to do once she reached first. LeRoy, who'd been running on the sidelines alongside Rachel, relayed Finn's message, sending Rachel heading towards second, not stopping until she was safely standing on the base.

Sue, having recovered from nearly having her head taken off, paced on the mound, ready to take her anger on out the next batter, which happened to be Finn.

Unable to hide the huge grin on his face as he stepped into the batter's box, he pointed to second base, signaling to Rachel how proud he was of her. He chuckled at the sight of Rachel jumping up and down excitedly on the bag as he got into position, fully expecting Sue to take her anger at Rachel out on him.

He wasn't disappointed. Just as she'd done to Will and Rachel, she brushed him back from the plate, almost hitting him in the shoulder on her third pitch.

Finn swung hard on her fourth pitch, easily sending the ball far into the outfield and over the fence for a home run, giving Schuester's a four run lead. Rachel was waiting for him at home plate, and he picked her up once he'd crossed, swinging her through the air, forgetting that they were supposed to act like just friends.

He walked off the field to cheers and high fives, feeling even prouder when Rachel was swarmed by the rest of the team. He glanced back at Sue, enjoying the look of pure fury on her face.

The fact that Rachel had helped put it there made it even more enjoyable.

* * *

><p>They made it to the ninth inning with their four run lead still intact. Schuester's was really starting to miss Sam, since Jon was clearly starting to tire, not used to pitching a whole game. He'd managed to get the first two batters out, but walked the next two and had just allowed a single to another batter, meaning the bases were loaded and the potential tying run was coming to the plate.<p>

Sue Sylvester.

Finn gulped as he watched her stride to the plate, the bat gripped tightly in her hand and a scowl on her face. His eyes grew wide when he saw her step not into the right handed batter's box, but the _left handed_ batter's box and the realization of what she was doing hit him. He'd forgotten that Sue was a switch-hitter. The fact that she was batting left handed meant only one thing.

Sue was planning on sending the ball to right field. To Rachel.

As if she sensed what he was thinking, Sue smirked and pointed her bat right at Rachel. Finn signaled to Mike to move closer to Rachel. Sue noticed, calling out, "Don't bother, Hudson! This ball's got her name on it. Although if I can take out the Asian at the same time, even better."

Jon, sensing Finn was about to lose it, quickly threw the first pitch, which Sue promptly ripped to right field. Rachel made a valiant attempt to catch it, missing as usual, but fortunately it went foul, as did the second pitch. Sue braced herself for the third pitch, the scowl still plastered on her face. Jon revved up, releasing the ball.

_Thwack!_

Finn watched, feeling like the ball was sailing in slow motion towards Rachel, who stood rooted to the spot. "Come on, baby," he murmured.

Rachel hadn't moved from the spot she was standing in, simply raising her gloved hand high in the air. He waited for her to turn her head at the last minute like she always did, but was surprised when she kept her eyes firmly on the ball. Sue had begun her victory march around the bases, not even bothering to watch where the ball went. Finn ignored her as the ball arched through the air, heading straight for Rachel, as was Mike, prepared to cut the ball off when she missed it. The ball stayed on its path to Rachel, who was still staring at the ball, a determined look on her face. Her hand remained high in the air, shaking slightly.

"Come on, baby," he repeated, trying to send Rachel support.

Rachel must have felt his support, because she kept her head facing the ball, not turning her head until the ball landed with a satisfying thud in her glove. She stared at the ball for a moment in shock, the look never leaving her face as Mike picked her up, swinging her around.

Just like earlier, Finn took off at a run, heading towards the celebration in the outfield, running right past Sue, who'd paused halfway between first and second base and promptly began throwing a tantrum and screaming at the umpires that Rachel's catch needed to be put under video review.

Finn reached Rachel just as Mike put her down. Rachel ran to him, jumping up into his arms. "Finny! Did you see?"

"You were amazing, babe!" He started peppering her face with kisses, not caring if Sue saw. _His wife_, the one who couldn't catch a ball to save her life, had just won the game for them with her _amazing_ catch.

Of course, her amazing catch had immediately caused her to skyrocket to the top of Sue's list of people she'd like to kill, but he figured he'd wait to tell Rachel that.

Still carrying her, he walked over to the sidelines where his parents, in-laws, Kurt and Blaine were all waiting to congratulate her. He placed her on the ground and careful of her bruise, grabbed her face, pressing his lips to hers before he stepped away and let her have her moment. He backed away from Rachel, watching proudly as their family and teammates mobbed her in congratulations.

"Hudson!" Sue, having lost her battle over the video review, stormed over to him. "Well played. Putting the dwarf in disguise worked for you this time, but I'm on to you now. I see who the real brains of this operation is. Schuester's just the face of the operation, and an ugly one at that. Rest assured, the next time I play you, there's a ball with your name on it. Its destination? _Your groin._" She stomped off, throwing a disgusted look at Rachel.

Finn watched her go, a grin on his face, turning back to the celebration. Rachel made her way out of the throng and back into his arms. "Finny! Daddy wants to take the family out to celebrate! Are you ready to go?"

Finn looked down at her, smiling as they started walking towards their families, who were packing up the VIP seating area. "So what did you think? You ready to be a softball star on a regular basis?"

Rachel laughed. "I don't know about that. Would I have to wear the blond wig every time?"

"No, Sue's onto you," Finn replied. He leaned down close to Rachel's ear to whisper. "But I like the wig. I could think of some other uses for it."

Rachel blushed as Finn waggled his eyebrows at her. "Finn!"

Finn laughed as he grabbed her hand, intertwining their fingers. Hand in hand, they followed everyone out of the park, heading for their apartment.

"You know, maybe I'll keep playing," Rachel said teasingly. "We make a pretty good team. What other husband and wife do you know who's earned as much of Sue's hatred as we have? Gotta keep that up!"

Finn chuckled. "You're right. Sue Sylvester is going down."

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: New York is in the middle of a 100 degree plus heat wave, so I've been inside for the past three days, writing up a storm. I've got one more for this one, plus an update for Serendipity almost ready to go, thanks to the heat!_**


	6. Barbra vs Barbra

**_Disclaimer: Glee is not mine :(_**

* * *

><p><strong><em>Mr. Sheffield: Miss Fine, let me ask you something. If Barbra Streisand and your mother were both drowning, who would you save?<em>**

**_Fran: I'd save my mother, Barbra can walk on water._**

**_-The Nanny_**

* * *

><p><strong><em>Present Time<em>**

"So let me get this straight." Finn looked from a stone faced Kurt to an equally stone faced Rachel. "Blaine and I have been gone for a grand total of nine hours and in those nine hours, you two have managed to start World War III over something as stupid as _this_?"

"It's _not_ stupid. Rachel's just too stubborn to admit that she's wrong about this!" Kurt cried out before Rachel could say anything. He turned to Rachel. "Finn, Blaine and even those polar bears know I'm right, just admit it!"

"_No._ I just don't see how you can say that-" Rachel responded dramatically, prepared to defend her argument to the death, the microphone still held firmly in her hand.

"Enough! Blaine and I already had to suffer through a Jets loss today; neither of us feel like hearing anymore about this stupid argument you two have been having all day!" Finn cut in, pinching his nose. "No wonder why Mercedes left talking to herself!"

"But Finn, if he would just-" Rachel appealed to him, confident that her fiancée would be on her side.

"No baby, I don't want to hear anymore about it. This has got to be one of the _stupidest_ things I've ever heard. You two are going to call a truce. Now." Finn cast a stern look at his future bride and his brother, both of whom looked sullen at the thought of having to have a truce. He looked at Blaine for support.

"Finn's right. This is ridiculous; you two are acting like kindergartners fighting over a swing. Settle this _now_," Blaine demanded, channeling the stern tone his mother used to use when he and his sister fought. He raised an eyebrow at Kurt, silently directing him to begin. Kurt sat there for a moment, refusing to be the one who backed down. "Kurt. _Now._"

"I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that you changed your name to Carole," Kurt commented snarkily.

"_Kurt,_" Blaine warned, bypassing his mother's stern tone and channeling his scary grandmother's no nonsense tone.

"Fine," Kurt said crossly. "Rachel, I-"

"Yes, Kurt, I would be delighted to accept your apology," Rachel interrupted sweetly, taking secret satisfaction in the sputtering coming from Kurt's mouth.

"_Rachel_," Finn warned, his tone leaving no room for negotiation. Rachel stared at him, the sullen look on her face growing surlier; knowing that none of her usual tricks were going to work on Finn.

"Fine. Continue Kurt." Rachel glowered at her future brother-in-law, glad Blaine had nominated him to go first.

"And why should I be the one to say it?" Kurt replied frostily, having had time to think this over while Finn reprimanded Rachel.

"_Kurt._" It was Blaine's turn to warn, as he looked at his partner expectantly. Kurt simply stared back at him, before turning his back on Rachel, who immediately crossed her arms and did the same thing. He looked at Finn, who rolled his eyes.

"Alright, this is how it's going to be." Finn marched into his office, now knowing exactly how Burt felt when he had to break up an argument between him and Kurt, coming back with two pieces of computer paper. Quickly, he scribbled something on both papers, placing one in front of Kurt, the other in front of Rachel. "This is a legally binding contract, calling a truce to this argument. That way no one has to say it first and we can never speak of this again. _Sign. Them. Now_."

He tossed two pens down on the coffee table, his face daring either of them to say anything, Blaine adopting a similar expression next to him. To their relief, both Kurt and Rachel grabbed a pen and signed, each throwing the pen down in a patented diva action.

"There. It's done. You are never to speak of this again. Get your coat, Kurt," Blaine demanded, again channeling his mother's _don't mess with me_ tone, fighting the urge to grab Kurt by the ear like his mother would have done. Satisfied that Kurt had left to get his coat, he turned to Finn. "We're still on for Monday Night Football tomorrow, right? I'll bring the pizza."

"Yeah, man. Sounds good." He gave Blaine a fist bump. "Kurt coming too?"

"No. Monday nights are his late night at work. I'll see you tomorrow night Rachel," Blaine replied, giving Rachel a kiss on the cheek just as Kurt came back in the room.

"Goodbye, Finn," Kurt said, buttoning up his coat. "Are you ready, Blaine?"

"Kurt, didn't you forget something?" Blaine prompted, feeling like he was talking to his son and not his lover.

"Fine. Goodbye, Rachel," Kurt said coolly.

"Goodbye, Kurt," Rachel returned just as coolly after a nudge from Finn. She watched silently as they went out the door. "Finn, you know I'm right, right? Because honestly, how could anyone say-"

Finn cut her off with a deep kiss, making her forget what she was about to say. "Enough. It was a really crappy game, and coming home to this made it worse. I haven't even seen Vlad at all since I've been home; you two must have scared him off with all that yelling. Let's just go to bed."

He threw Rachel over his shoulder and walked into the bedroom, dropping her on the bed and handing her her pajamas, just as Vlad tentatively emerged, slightly shaking, from underneath the bed, growing excited when he saw Finn. Finn scooped him up, depositing him next to Rachel on the bed.

"I probably don't want to know, but what did Mercedes have to say about all this?" Finn asked as he stripped off his shirt and grabbed some pajamas from his drawer, pausing to stare at her in the doorway before he headed towards the bathroom.

"You're right, you don't want to know," Rachel replied, shaking her head and cuddling Vlad just as the phone rang. Confused as to who could be calling at this late hour, Finn lunged for it.

"Hello?" he asked cautiously, hoping nothing had happened with Burt.

"Put Rachel on," Kurt's bossy voice dictated through the phone.

"I don't think that's such a great idea. Why do you need to speak to her?" Finn asked, not ready to have to deal with Round Two of this insane fight. He could only imagine what Mercedes had gone through all day. He could see Rachel watching with interest as she lay on the bed, petting Vlad, who'd settled into her lap.

"I just do, ok? I have important wedding stuff to discuss with her, which we didn't get to today."

Finn laughed. "You really think I'm gonna fall for that? Do I look stupid?"

"Yes, particularly when you wear those insipid puffy vests. Just put her on."

"Kurt, I'm warning you. You say _anything_ to piss her off, which in turn will piss _me_ off, and I will personally go down to Bergdorf's and tell your coworkers that you frequently shop for knockoffs on Canal Street." Satisfied with Kurt's gasp of horror, he sat on the bed next to Rachel, handing the phone to her. "That goes for you too, babe. _Don't start_."

Rachel glared at him as she put the phone to her ear. "Hello?"

Finn listened to her end of the conversation carefully, ready to yank the phone away from her at the first sign of snarkiness on either end. To his surprise, the conversation was proceeding as if the past nine hours had never happened.

"I know! We're running out of time to find a bridesmaid dress….I really think I liked the strapless mermaid better than the corset top, but it won't look as well on Mercedes…I guess we could go with that, it _would_ match my…yeah, he's sitting next to me," she paused, cupping her hand over the phone to look at Finn. "Can you go away? Kurt and I need to discuss something about my dress."

Finn stared at her as he stood up. "Remember what I said," he warned, kissing her on the forehead and heading into the bathroom. He quickly showered and brushed his teeth, keeping an ear out for yelling coming from the bedroom. He was mildly surprised when he walked back into the bedroom to find Rachel still on the phone, wedding magazines now spread out on the bed, deep in discussion with Kurt and apparently Mercedes and Tina about the bridesmaid dresses. He shoved some of the magazines off of his side of the bed, got Vlad off his pillow and settled in, turning on _NFL Tonight._

Rachel once again cupped her hand over the phone, grabbing the remote control from him and lowering the volume. "Finn, I can't hear Kurt and the girls with the TV on." She turned her attention back to the phone. "Oh! I saw that in one of the magazines. Hold on, let me find it." She frowned as she realized that her magazines were no longer spread out nicely on the bed. "Finny, I really need this space. Do you think you and Vlad could go in the other room? Thanks!" She caressed his face and turned back to her conversation, animatedly discussing some bridesmaid dress in a magazine.

Finn sighed and grabbed Vlad as he headed towards the living room, flopping down on the couch and turning on _NFL Tonight_, his mind trying to process how the hell Rachel and Kurt could have a knock down drag out fight all day and now be on the phone like nothing happened.

Or more importantly, how they could have a knock down drag out fight all day and _he _was the one kicked out of the bedroom.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Thirty minutes earlier…<em>**

"Did you see that pass Sanchez made? How the hell was that intercepted?" Finn asked, as the elevator doors opened. "Oh hey, Mercedes!"

Mercedes glared at both him and Blaine, mumbling to herself as she stepped out of the elevator, storming right past them.

"What the hell was that about?" Finn asked incredulously as he watched Mercedes quickly stride across the lobby and out of the building.

"I don't know man," Blaine asked, stepping into the elevator, just as confused as Finn. "What about that false start call? That ref totally blew that one. And Rex was definitely letting him know that he did." Blaine shook his head in disgust, following Finn out of the elevator. "So how much of your wedding do you think they planned without you?"

Finn didn't answer, cocking his head at the loud noises coming from his apartment. "What is that?"

Blaine paused, listening. "It sounds like yelling or else the TV is really loud."

Quickly, they headed towards the apartment. As they got closer, they could hear the very distinct sounds of a heated argument coming from behind Finn's closed front door.

"_How dare you insinuate that I don't know what I'm talking about?"_

"_Clearly you don't, or else you would see that I'm right, Kurt!"_

"This can't be good," Finn commented as he opened the door and hurried in, Blaine close behind.

Kurt and Rachel were facing off in the middle of the living room, a combination of wedding magazines, food, three empty bottles of wine and DVDs scattered all over the coffee table. Rachel had a microphone gripped tightly in one hand that she was currently poking Kurt in the chest with. Mercedes' karaoke machine was set up and Finn recognized the lyrics to _Don't Rain on My Parade _from the film _Funny Girl_ flashing across the screen, although neither Kurt nor Rachel seemed to notice, since they were too busy screaming at each other.

"I can't believe you! I feel like I don't know you at all!" Rachel screeched, still poking Kurt with the microphone.

"How do you think _I_ feel? I just found out my future sister-in-law has even more awful taste than I thought!" Kurt hurled back, just as dramatically.

Neither of them noticed Finn and Blaine, so engrossed were they in their argument with each other. Finn could see the steam coming out of Rachel's ears at Kurt's comment, and knew by the look in her eyes that she was looking for something to throw. He exchanged a quick knowing look with Blaine before running over and grabbing Rachel by the waist, holding her back from killing his brother, while Blaine forced Kurt to sit on the couch.

"What the hell is going on here?" Blaine demanded. "Why is Mercedes talking to herself in the lobby?"

"_She_ has accused me of not knowing what I'm talking about, which is ludicrous," Kurt responded, glaring at Rachel, who was still struggling to get free from Finn's hold.

"That's because you don't!" Rachel cried as Finn led her over to the couch, depositing her on the opposite end from Kurt with a warning not to move. When she started to get up, he quickly sat down on her, literally holding her still. He still had no idea what was going on, but he suspected that the three wine bottles had something to do with it.

"Now _what_ happened?" Blaine asked. "We could hear you yelling outside."

"_He _said-"

"_She_ had the nerve to-"

Rachel and Kurt both began talking simultaneously, each anxious to show that their version of the events of the day was the correct one. Finn and Blaine listened to the jumbled versions, not quite believing what they were hearing.

"So let me get this straight." Finn looked from a stone faced Kurt to an equally stone faced Rachel. "Blaine and I have been gone for a grand total of nine hours and in those nine hours, you two have managed to start World War III over something as stupid as _this_?"

* * *

><p><strong><em>One hour earlier…<em>**

"Look, why don't we just drop it for now and start the karaoke? I got some new cds," Mercedes interjected, hoping to end this insane debate with a bribe. Their constant bickering had left her drained and feeling like she was babysitting her six year old and four year old nieces. She took another swig from the wine bottle, as she waited to see if her suggestion was taken.

"I go first!" Kurt cried, jumping up and grabbing the microphone, like a little child with a new toy. He shifted through the cds until he found the one he wanted, placing it into the karaoke machine and taking his place in the front of the room.

Rachel's eyes narrowed when she heard the opening notes of the song. "Is this supposed to be a dig at me?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about. This happens to be my warm up karaoke song," Kurt replied, closing his eyes in preparation to sing.

"Liar!" Rachel screeched. "_Everyone_ knows that your warm up karaoke song is Madonna's _Material Girl, _not Barbra's rendition of _Just Leave Everything to Me_ from the seminal classic _Hello Dolly! _He's doing this on purpose, Mer!"

"I am not!" Kurt insisted in between lyrics, not missing a beat.

"Rachel, I'm sure Kurt's not doing this on purpose," Mercedes said patiently, speaking as if she was talking to her four year old niece Jacqueline when she tells on her older sister Mary.

"But-" Rachel began, ready to point out all the reasons why Kurt was in fact doing this on purpose.

"No buts. If you want a turn singing, you better _shut up_ and let Kurt sing!" Mercedes demanded, ignoring Rachel's pouts as she turned back to face Kurt who was now belting out the final notes of his chosen song. He finished with a flourish, Mercedes clapping happily for him, Rachel only doing so after a pointed look from Mercedes.

"Mer, why don't you sing?" Kurt suggested, knowing that would annoy Rachel. Ever since that they'd done karaoke the night Finn and Rachel had reconciled, she'd finally embraced her secret love of karaoke and singing, although she still refused to sing in a karaoke bar, hence their frequent private karaoke parties. He wasn't disappointed in Rachel's reaction, who'd crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes suspiciously at him as soon as his words registered.

"I don't know," Mercedes said slowly, assessing the situation. She looked from a pouting Rachel to a smirking Kurt while making her decision. "Can I trust you two not to kill each other while I sing?"

"We would have no problems if _he_ would just admit-" Rachel immediately began.

"_Me?_ You're the one who's wrong!" Kurt jumped in, ready to make Rachel see the error of her ways.

"Oh Lord, not this again," Mercedes groaned, throwing her hands up in the air and shutting them both up. She took a deep swig from her bottle, finishing it and placing it next to the other two empty bottles. "Rachel, you sit over here, and Kurt, you sit over there," she directed, leading Rachel over to the couch, while pointing to the arm chair furthest from the couch for Kurt. "I am going to sing, and while I'm singing, you are not to talk to each other nor can you look at each other, got it?" She looked from Kurt to Rachel, waiting for their response. "Got it?" she asked again.

"Got it," Kurt and Rachel both replied sullenly.

Mercedes eyed each of them, slowly turning to get the CD for the song she wanted. As soon as she turned her back on them, they immediately glared at each other.

"Anyone ever tell you you dress like a toddler and a grandmother at the same time?" Kurt muttered under his breath, just loud enough for Rachel to hear.

Rachel narrowed her eyes at him. "Your outfit looks like you bought it at Wal-Mart."

Kurt gasped. "Take that back! Mercedes, did you hear what Rachel said to me?"

Mercedes whirled around; the music to Aretha Franklin's _Chain of Fools_ filling the room, a song she thought was apt for the situation. "What did I _just _say? If I hear one more word out of either of you, I'm putting the karaoke machine away, understand?" She glared at each of them as they nodded in turn, wishing she had another bottle of wine, sorely tempted to start drinking Finn's beer. She started singing, not letting either of them out of her line of vision. She managed to finish the whole song without incident, her words of warning finally having the desired effect.

"It's _my_ turn," Rachel announced, yanking the microphone from Mercedes and choosing a CD quickly. "While I would normally choose something from the great Barbra Streisand, tonight I have chosen to sing a Broadway classic, one which I'm sure you're both familiar with." She glared at Kurt as the opening notes of _Defying Gravity_ came on, causing Kurt to gasp.

"Is there a problem, Kurt?" Rachel asked sweetly, knowing full well there was.

"You know this is _my_ song. Mercedes! Rachel's stealing my song!" Kurt cried, tugging Mercedes' sleeve repeatedly. Mercedes groaned; her head beginning to pound. The way these two were behaving, she thought her six year old and four year old niece were actually more mature.

"And what makes it _your _song?" Rachel challenged; her hands on her hips.

"You _know_ I always-" Kurt began.

"No. No more! I don't want to hear anymore!" Mercedes interrupted; her hands on her head. "I've been listening to you two bicker for hours and I'm _done_."

"I understand completely, Mer. Could you please inform the Goodwill Fashionista over there that I'm longer on speaking terms with him?" Rachel asked calmly, smoothing her skirt.

"As if you could understand the intricacies of fashion. _Vlad_ dresses better than you!" Kurt shot back. "And I'm not speaking to you either."

"I can't take this anymore! I'm leaving!" Mercedes cried, storming towards the door, pausing at the door. "This has got to be one on the most insane arguments I've ever heard,_ especially _since we all know that what I said is a better choice!" Before either Kurt or Rachel could react, she stalked out the door.

"What's her problem?" Kurt asked, placing a hand on his hip as he watched the door slam.

"I have no idea. She seemed kind of moody today," Rachel responded. "Are you ready to hear my performance now?" She cued up a new song, without waiting for Kurt's answer. She waited until he was sitting on the couch before pressing play.

Kurt's eyes narrowed at her choice of song. "I don't believe you!"

"What?" Rachel asked innocently, as the music of _Don't Rain on My Parade _started.

"You waited until Mercedes left to play that song, thinking you can prove that you're right! Don't play stupid, Rachel!" Kurt exclaimed, knowing that look Rachel had on her face all too well. He'd seen her use it successfully on Finn a million times.

"Kurt, I'm only trying to help. It's clear that you haven't had the musical upbringing that my fathers gave to me. We listened to nothing _but_ Barbra!"

"I have every Barbra album ever made!" Kurt cried, standing up and meeting Rachel in the middle of the room.

"Just because you have every album that doesn't make you an expert on Barbra Joan Streisand!" Rachel cried, poking Kurt with the microphone to emphasize her point.

"How _dare_ you insinuate that I don't know what I'm talking about?"

"Clearly you don't, or else you would see that I'm right, Kurt!" Rachel yelled back, poking him again with the microphone.

"You can't possibly think that! There's just no way you're right!" Kurt shrieked, throwing his hands up in the air. "No one in their right mind would agree with you!"

"I can't believe you! I feel like I don't know you at all!" Rachel screeched, still poking Kurt with the microphone.

"How do you think I feel? I just found out my future sister-in-law has even more awful taste than I thought!" Kurt hurled back, just as dramatically as Blaine dragged him towards the couch. Kurt looked over to see that Rachel was being held back tightly by Finn.

"What the hell is going on here?" Blaine demanded. "Why is Mercedes talking to herself in the lobby?"

* * *

><p><strong><em>Three hours earlier…<em>**

"Carole's not answering," Kurt announced as Rachel ejected the DVD. "However, if she were to answer, you know she'd agree with me."

"Are you _crazy_? There's no way Carole would agree with you!"

"Who _cares?_" Mercedes cut in, opening the second bottle of wine. She offered it to Kurt and Rachel, who both waved it off, too busy continuing their argument. Shrugging, she reached for her own glass changing her mind at the last minute and drinking straight from the bottle instead.

"_Mercedes._ The fact that you just said that _shows_ that you are not a Streisandaholic the way Rachel, Carole and I are," Kurt reprimanded. "If you were, you'd _know_ that this is of the utmost importance. Of course, if you were a fan like us, you'd also know that I'm right."

"I beg to differ. We just finished watching Kurt's choice. Mer, what did you think?" Rachel demanded. "Kurt's wrong, right?"

"Well, I-" Mercedes got no further because Kurt went on the attack again.

"How could you possibly think I'm wrong? We just spent two hours and twenty four minutes watching the epicness that was Barbra. Mercedes agrees with me, don't you Mercedes?"

"I..."

"Look, Kurt, Mercedes has been rendered speechless from the stupidity that is your argument."

"_Stupidity?_ How dare-"

"Can we just watch the other one now?" Mercedes interjected, taking another swig from the bottle. She was starting to wish Rachel had never invited her over. She made a point of grabbing the popcorn bowl and staring at the TV, ignoring the two divas in front of her.

"I couldn't agree more. Hold on to your hat Mercedes, because you're about to be in the presence of greatness," Rachel announced slipping a new DVD into the DVD player. She settled onto the couch next to Mercedes, ignoring the glare coming from Kurt on Mercedes' other side.

To Mercedes' relief, they managed to get through the next two and a half hours with relatively few arguments. Rachel was too distracted by the movie to really argue with Kurt, and only once did Mercedes have to threaten to turn off the movie, after a comment from Kurt about how he was starting to rethink it being a good idea that Rachel become his sister-in-law if she clearly thought this way. _That_ had gotten Rachel's attention and she'd immediately launched back into her argument, causing Mercedes to have to referee and threaten to stop the movie. They sat in relative silence for the rest of the movie, allowing Mercedes to hope they'd drop this _ridiculous_ argument.

No such luck. Once the movie was over, they immediately went back to their argument. The second the credits started rolling, both turned to look at Mercedes expectantly. "Well?" Kurt asked smugly. "You know I'm right, you can say it."

"I-" Mercedes started, unsure of what to say other than _this is incredibly stupid._

"Kurt! That's not fair! You can't influence her! Especially since she was about to say _I'm_ right." Rachel got up and removed the DVD, waving it in Kurt's face.

"Wait, I-"

"_What?_ Mercedes, how could you even say that?"

"I didn't-"

"Mercedes; don't let Kurt influence you. Just because he's been sucked into the delusion that he's right, doesn't mean you need to follow." Rachel sat next to Mercedes, putting one arm around her.

"The delusion that I'm right?" Kurt demanded. "You're the one who's delusional! It's clear I'm going to have to have a serious talk with my brother when he gets home." He tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Perhaps you should be medicated."

"_Excuse me_? Medicated! _You_ should be on medication, if you honestly think that you're going to win this argument. I'll have you know that I maintain an incredibly healthy diet, supplemented by vitamins. The only medication I've _ever_ needed are my birth control pills."

"And thank God for them, otherwise we'd have a little Rachel here, dressed just as bad and insisting that she was right also!"

"_How dare you!" _Rachel screeched, jumping off the couch.

Vlad, hearing the noise, stuck his head out of his castle and took in the scene before him. He must have felt it was time to abandon his castle and head for the hills, because he slinked out of his castle and headed down the hall towards the safety of the bedroom.

Chugging the bottle of wine, Mercedes watched him go, jealous that Vlad got to escape the loony bin she currently found herself in. She let loose a large belch that would have made Puck proud, but went unnoticed by Kurt and Rachel.

"I'm serious, Rachel. It's just absurd that you're wasting time trying to prove that you're right! You have a better chance of getting those polar bears to stop dancing."

"Are you jealous of the polar bears? Is that why you keep bringing it up? I could have Finn buy you one as compensation for being wrong," Rachel questioned, taking satisfaction in Kurt's narrowed eyes.

"All I'm saying is that when it comes to Barbra, you simply can't compare," Kurt commented frostily. "_Particularly_ when you have no idea what you're talking about."

"I cannot _believe_ that you think I don't know anything about Barbra Joan Streisand, born April 24, 1942 to Emmanuel and Diana Streisand in Brooklyn, New York and the rare winner of an Emmy, Oscar, Grammy and Tony!" Rachel cried, throwing her arms up in the air dramatically.

"Big deal. So you wikipedia-ed Barbra," Kurt responded, brushing an imaginary speck of clothing off his sleeve.

Rachel's gasp of horror was probably able to be heard by Vlad in the bedroom. "Wikipedia-ed? _Wikipedia-ed? _I'll have you know that while other babies were listening to lullabies in their cribs, I was listening to Barbra, so I do carry the credentials to be an expert on all things Barbra. I've been in the fan club since I was four."

"As am I," Kurt challenged. He turned to watch Mercedes, who'd finished the second bottle of wine and was now opening a well deserved third.

"Yes, and as a long standing member of the Streisandaholics, we're really not looking for any Johnny come latelys, thank you," Rachel replied coolly.

"If you think for one second that I'm a newcomer to the world of Barbra, you've got another think coming. I-"

"Look, why don't we just drop it for now and start the karaoke? I got some new CDs," Mercedes interjected.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Six hours earlier…<em>**

"How? How is this possible?" Kurt gasped dramatically.

"Mer, you can't be serious," Rachel added; her face solemn from her position next to Kurt.

"I don't know, I never had the chance I guess," Mercedes shrugged, not seeing what the big deal was.

"What do you mean, you never had the chance? We've been friends forever," Rachel wrung her hands anxiously, in disbelief at Mercedes' words.

"Rachel has clearly neglected her duties as a Streisandaholic to spread the word of Barbra. Sit down, Mercedes, and allow me to introduce you to Barbra's acclaimed 1969 role as Dolly Levi in her even more acclaimed film adaptation of the musical _Hello Dolly!_" He got up, running his finger along the bookcase until he found the DVD he was looking for.

"Kurt, don't start with that one, start with _Funny Girl_. It's Barbra's iconic role."

"You mean Dolly Levi is her iconic role," Kurt corrected.

"_No_, actually I meant that her 1968 critically acclaimed role as Fanny Brice in _Funny Girl_ is her iconic role."

"You can't be serious." Kurt repeated Rachel's phrase to Mercedes from earlier, only this time it was directed _at_ Rachel. "_Hello Dolly!_ is considered the last great movie musical."

"I liked her in _The Way We Were_," Mercedes offered, trying to stop the argument she could see coming.

"I'm dead serious. Everyone knows that _Funny Girl_ is better. It's got all the best songs! She won an Oscar for her portrayal."

"She tied with Katherine Hepburn, Rachel, she didn't win. _Hello Dolly!_ won _three_ Oscars."

"Enlighten me, Kurt. What could possibly make you think that she was better in _Hello Dolly! _than _Funny Girl_?" Rachel asked, crossing her arms as she stared Kurt down.

"Only the fact that her co-star Walter Matthau couldn't stand her and she still managed to turn in a flawless performance, portraying the emotions necessary to be a widowed matchmaker in 1890. He wouldn't even kiss her, that's how much he hated her. She rose above the hatred and turned in a stirring performance, creating the illusion that Dolly Levi was in love with Walter's character." Kurt smirked, running a hand along his hair as he waited for Rachel's response.

"Are you insane?" Rachel demanded. "Everyone knows that _Funny Girl _was the highest grossing film of 1968 and _everybody_ knows the immortal line '_Hello Gorgeous!'_ Barbra wasn't even nominated for an Oscar for _Hello Dolly!_"

Mercedes, who hadn't known either of those facts, gulped down her wine as she watched this play out from her spot next to the coffee table.

"The person with dancing polar bears on her sweater is calling _me_ insane? For your information, Barbra had already played Fanny Brice on Broadway and was very familiar with the role. It didn't take much to switch over to movies. When she took on Dolly Levi, she had to make it her own, since Carol Channing had made it so iconic during its long Broadway run. Tell _that_ to your dancing polar bears."

Rachel's eyes narrowed. "For _your_ information, Finn bought me this sweater. He happens to like the way I dress."

"The fact that Finn likes the way you dress should tell you something," Kurt snapped. "It figures you would like _Funny Girl._ One of the _seven_ Oscars _Hello Dolly!_ was nominated for was best costumes. The costumes in _Funny Girl _weren't even nominated. As we all know, clothes help make the show."

"Are you _seriously_ saying that clothes were responsible for Barbra's iconic performances and not her spectacular vocals?"

"Not at all. I'm just saying that the clothes enhanced the experience, which is why her performance as Dolly Levi is so much more impressive."

"Hey, how about this dress?" Mercedes held up a bridal magazine, hoping to entice them away from their argument. It seemed to work, because both Kurt and Rachel went silent as they considered the dress.

"Hmm. I like it. Does it come in Barbie pink?" Rachel asked, ignoring the annoyed look that shot across Kurt's face.

Kurt peered at the picture closely. "You know, the background behind the model kind of reminds me of Harmonia Gardens."

Mercedes, who'd just begun mentally patting herself on her back, immediately realized she'd started celebrating too early once Kurt adopted a look of smugness and Rachel gasped. Feeling like it was going to come back and kick her in the ass, Mercedes asked anyway. "Harmonia Gardens?"

"Harmonia Gardens is the name of the restaurant from _Hello Dolly! _where Barbra has all her epic scenes," Rachel explained crossly, her eyes narrowing.

"Oh, thank you, Rachel. I couldn't remember for the _life_ of me where I knew the name Harmonia Gardens from." Kurt was a portrait of innocence, one leg crossed over the other and his head resting casually against his arm posed on the armrest. "So you admit that Barbra _was_ epic, then?"

Rachel, realizing too late that she'd fallen right into Kurt's trap, narrowed her eyes as she reached for the phone.

Mercedes watched nervously, afraid that Rachel was calling in backup. She _really_ wasn't in the mood to deal with a whole room of crazed Barbra fans.

"What are you doing?" Kurt demanded.

"You've left me no choice, Kurt. I'm calling your mother."

Mercedes ignored Kurt's gasp as she rolled her eyes. "Seriously, Rachel? You're calling his mother? Why don't you just take your toys and go home? You're acting like a two year old."

"Yeah, Rachel. Listen to Mercedes," Kurt added happily.

Mercedes turned on him, pointing her finger. "Don't get me started on _you_, boy. You're _both_ acting like babies."

"Hi Carole! It's Rachel!" Rachel said in cheery voice, one hand pushing Kurt away. "Can I ask you a question? Has Kurt ever shown any tendencies towards insanity? He-"

Kurt ripped the phone away from Rachel. "Carole, it's Kurt. Don't listen to Rachel, _she's_ the one with tendencies towards insanity. All I-"

Rachel yanked the phone back, placing it calmly to her ear and fighting off Kurt at the same time by messing up his hair, a trick she'd learned from Finn. It worked, since Kurt immediately started to fix his hair, leaving Rachel to talk in peace. "Carole, as a fellow...what? No, Finn's not here, he went to the football game with Blaine. It's just me, Kurt and Mercedes. Kurt has been downright rude and argumentative, which is why I question his sanity. He's never shown tendencies like this before, is there a family history?" She listened quietly for a moment, before handing the phone to a surprised Mercedes. "She wants to talk to you."

"Hello?" Mercedes asked, ignoring the silent squabbling that was going on between Kurt and Rachel.

"What in the world is going on there?" Carole's amused voice came through the phone.

Mercedes rolled her eyes. "You don't know what to know. They're _both_ insane."

"Is it the wedding?"

"No. Barbra," Mercedes explained, rolling her eyes at the stupidity of the situation.

"Ah. I see." Carole comprehended the situation perfectly, knowing how her son and future daughter-in-law felt about Barbra. She was a huge fan of Barbra too, but those two just took it to another level. "Looks like I won't be answering my phone for the rest of the day unless it's Finny calling from his cell phone." Her voice was laced with amusement. Mercedes failed to see what Carole found so funny about the situation, but she figured if the roles were reversed and Carole was stuck baby-sitting the Loony Tunes, Mercedes would find it funny too.

"I think that's a wise idea," Mercedes observed, watching as Kurt and Rachel glared at each other.

"Alright then. I'll talk to you later. Watch those two. I'll _kill_ Kurt if he ruins my chance for grandchildren."

Laughing, Mercedes said goodbye and hung up the phone, to the dismay of Kurt and Rachel.

"Mercedes! You hung up the phone before we got to ask Carole!" Kurt scolded.

"Oh. Sorry. She had to go to uh...the store. Burt needed...new underwear," Mercedes blurted out. "Why don't we watch both movies? We have plenty of time."

"Who goes first?" Rachel asked immediately.

Damn. Mercedes thought she'd had a good compromise, but she could see them both gearing up to argue over who should be first. "We'll let Vlad decide."

"I'm fine with that," Rachel agreed immediately.

"Well I'm not! That dog ignores me unless I've got a hot pretzel, then he's my best friend!" Kurt cried, not happy with this turn of events.

"Maybe if you showed your nephew some of the love you reserve for your clothes, he might not ignore you!" Rachel snapped.

Mercedes ignored them, placing the two DVDs in front of the entrance to Vlad's castle, the Chihuahua having long ago retreated to the safety of his castle. "Whichever one he sniffs first is the one we watch first, deal?" Kurt and Rachel both nodded. "Call him, Rachel."

"Vladdie! Come on out, Baby Dog!" Rachel called sweetly.

Nothing.

"Vlad, come on!" Rachel coaxed, her tone slightly less sweet.

Not a Chihuahua in sight.

"Vladimir Impaler Hudson, you come out here right now!" Rachel demanded, furious that her dog was standing her up in front of everyone. She got down on all fours to see what Vlad was doing in there, finding him curled up in a ball, his back to the door.

"Great parenting skills, Rachel," Kurt commented, snickering.

"Shut up, Kurt. He's probably afraid to come out because he knows you'll give him yet another make-over." She stood back up, hoping Vlad would make an appearance.

"Let me try," Mercedes suggested. "You two get away from his castle."

Obediently, Kurt and Rachel sat on opposite ends of the couch, waiting anxiously, as if it was Groundhog's Day and they were waiting to know if the Groundhog saw his shadow.

"Vlad! Come here, boy!" Mercedes called in a sing song voice. She could hear rustling in the castle and hoped that was a good sign. "Daddy's home!"

Tentatively, Vlad poked his head out of his castle, checking to see if Daddy was in fact home before he committed to making a full appearance. He spied the DVDs in front of his door, lowering his head to check them out, making the two on the couch lean forward in anticipation.

"Yes! I win!" Kurt cried jumping off the couch as soon as Vlad sniffed the _Hello Dolly!_ box, causing Vlad to dart back into his castle. He ran to the DVD player and popped it in. "Rachel, as the loser, why don't you go make some popcorn?"

Rachel stomped off to the kitchen, leaving Kurt to gloat. "I think I'll call Carole!" he yelled after her.

"Don't forget to tell her what a jerk you're being!" came the retort from the kitchen.

Kurt ignored that comment as he dialed the phone, frowning when she didn't answer.

"I told you, she's shopping, remember?" Mercedes pointed out, settling onto the couch next to Kurt.

"I'll call back after the movie," he decided. "She'll agree with me. I'm the one who introduced her to shopping."

Rachel came back in and sat on Mercedes other side, placing the bowl on Mercedes' lap and ignoring Kurt, who pressed play.

"Today we'll be showing the critically acclaimed movie musical _Hello Dolly!_ directed by the late great Gene Kelly. Generally considered the last great movie musical, it features Barbra Streisand in her critically acclaimed _iconic_ role as Dolly Levi," Kurt announced, happily settling into the couch.

"_Iconic_? Let me tell you-"

"Siskel, Ebert, can you two just _shut up_ and let me watch the movie?" Mercedes snapped. Her tone must have hit a nerve, because Kurt and Rachel were quiet for the movie, watching as Barbra matchmade her way through 1890's New York.

Once the movie was over, it was back to business. Kurt immediately reached for the phone, while Rachel jumped up to get the DVD out.

"What are you doing?" Mercedes asked.

"Calling Carole. As a fellow Barbra lover, she's bound to have an opinion about this."

"She'll agree with me, Kurt." Rachel called from by the TV.

"Nonsense. I introduced her to shopping, and am responsible for every piece of jewelry Dad's ever given her over the years, so she'll clearly agree with me."

"Her future grandchildren are through me," Rachel pointed out, her hand on her hip.

"Yes, but it will be up to me to save them from their fashion challenged parents, so again, Carole will agree with me." Kurt waved his hand dismissively at her. He listened to the incessant ringing, once again frowning when she didn't answer.

"Carole's not answering," Kurt announced as Rachel ejected the DVD. "However, if she were to answer, you know she'd agree with me."

* * *

><p><strong><em>Nine hours earlier…<em>**

"Babe? Have you seen my jersey? I can't find it," Finn called, rummaging through his meager section of closet.

"It's in the other closet!" Rachel yelled back.

Finn grumbled as he walked into the other bedroom/office. More and more of his clothing was making its way out of the bedroom closet and finding a permanent home in this closet, while Rachel's clothes seemed to be going in the opposite direction. Sure enough, his Jets jersey was hanging in the closet, along with a large collection of his suits. Rachel had thoughtfully organized his jersey collection by teams and by season, and he couldn't help but smile at the tiny Mets jersey hanging next to his much larger one. He grabbed his Jets jersey, pulling it on as he walked out of the room.

"Find it, Finn?" Rachel asked; looking up from her wedding magazine, Vlad happily ensconced on her lap.

"Yup. Am I crazy or are even more of my suits in that closet?" Finn accused as he sat next to her on the couch.

"Do you like this, Finny?" Ignoring his accusation, Rachel held up the magazine, showing a table set with a tall floral centerpiece.

"Uh, yes?" he guessed; not quite sure if he was supposed to be looking at the table or the flowers.

Rachel leaned over and gave him a light kiss. "You're hopeless, you know that?"

"Yeah, but you love me anyway," Finn murmured against her lips.

"You're good for reaching high things, that's why I keep you around," Rachel quipped. She looked down at the page again in contemplation. "Seriously, do you like this centerpiece? Kurt's on his way over and I'm supposed to mark what I like, probably so that he can eliminate it as a possibility."

"I like it if you like it," Finn said, shrugging, not really seeing it as vital to the wedding.

"Finn! This is important! Kurt says that the centerpiece sets the tone for the décor of the reception. I want your opinion," Rachel admonished. Her tone woke the sleeping Chihuahua in her lap, who immediately climbed off and headed for his castle.

Finn watched him go, wishing he could join Vlad in his castle. "My opinion is that Kurt can shove it. As long as you're there, centerpieces don't matter." He kissed her temple gently. "You _are_ invited, right?" he asked playfully.

"As a matter of fact, I am invited. I'm planning on wearing a white dress, if you wanted to look for me," Rachel teased, deciding she liked the centerpiece and placing a pink sticky note hanging off the page as instructed by Kurt.

"I'll have to remember that." He reached for the remote control, ready to begin flipping through the channels while he waited for Blaine, when Rachel grabbed the remote from him, thrusting a magazine in his hand and turning the TV off.

"No TV, Finny. I need you to flip through that magazine quickly, and mark off things you like. Look, I even gave you blue sticky notes." She held up the blue sticky notes enticingly.

Finn threw his head against the back of the couch, groaning. "Baby, why do I need to do this if you have Kurt? You two are practically inseparable anyway and he _likes_ this stuff."

"I'm not marrying Kurt, I'm marrying _you_, so see what you like in there," Rachel directed, placing another pink sticky note in her own magazine.

Grumbling under his breath, Finn opened the magazine, his mood immediately changing when he realized he'd inadvertently opened to the bridal lingerie section. He got to work eagerly, marking off the lingerie he liked.

"See how fun it is?" Rachel commented, noticing him placing blue sticky notes frequently. "I'm glad you got into the spirit of thi- _Hey!_" She ripped the magazine from him, finally noticing just what he'd been marking. "Is that _all_ you marked? Lingerie?" she accused.

Finn was saved from answering by the intercom buzzing, announcing Blaine and Kurt's arrival. Rachel let it drop for the moment, distracting by a possible bridal bouquet. "I still don't see why you have to leave so early if the game isn't until 4," she commented, placing another pink note on the page.

"I told you, we're tailgating with Blaine's friends. It's like a pre-game party in the parking lot," he explained as he picked up his magazine and resumed placing sticky notes next to lingerie he liked. He grabbed a pen from the coffee table, scribbling the words "_get this"_ on the sticky note next to one outfit he particularly liked just as Blaine and Kurt walked in the door.

Vlad darted out of his castle to herald their arrival with a series of barks and yips, ignoring Kurt and weaving through Blaine's feet. After Carole, Finn and Rachel, Blaine was one of Vlad's most favorite people, to Kurt's annoyance.

"Rachel, I hope you're finally ready to talk color scheme today without mentioning the words _Barbie_ and _pink_," Kurt announced as a greeting, Blaine following closely behind, holding a happy Chihuahua in his arms.

"Kurt, don't start this again. If Rachel wants Barbie Pink anything at the wedding, she can have it," Finn warned, not wanting a repeat of the heated debate that had occurred last week when the four of them went out to dinner.

"Even if it means putting you in a pink bowtie and vest?" Kurt asked; arching an eyebrow.

"Wait, what?" Finn asked nervously, looking at Rachel.

"Relax, Finn. I already decided that you'll have a white bowtie and vest to go with your black tuxedo, despite what Kurt thinks. If anyone is going to be wearing pink bowties, it will be the Best Man and the groomsmen, since they have to match the bridesmaids," she assured him, pointing to Kurt and Blaine in turn.

"Oh." Finn breathed a sigh of relief, turning to Blaine. "You ready?"

"Yeah, let me just use the bathroom." Blaine placed Vlad on the floor and hurried down the hall, the little Chihuahua hot on his heels.

"Are you going to be warm enough, Finn?" Rachel asked worriedly as she watched her fiancée put on his coat. "It _is_ November. Maybe you should bring a blanket and a thermos of hot chocolate."

"Rachel, I am _not_ bringing a blanket and the only beverage I'll be drinking is beer. We'll be fine," Finn assured her, zipping up his coat.

"Ready to go?" Blaine asked as he walked back into the room. "What are you two going to be doing all day?"

"We're going to have a nice quiet day discussing the wedding and Mercedes is coming over too," Rachel announced excitedly.

"Sounds like fun," Finn said, leaning down to give his future bride a kiss goodbye. "Bye baby."

"Bye, Finny. Love you." She squeezed him tightly.

"Love you too," he responded, giving her one last quick kiss and heading for the door.

"Have fun at your match," Kurt called, already installed on the couch and engrossed in checking over Rachel's choices. He'd already noticed Finn's choices and was choosing to ignore them, not wanting to think of what his brother and future sister-in-law were going to use the lingerie for.

Rachel sat next to him on the couch, picking up the magazine Finn had marked and smiling at his note. "Mercedes should be here soon. Do you want anything to eat?" Ever the gracious hostess, she indicated Finn's poker table which she'd covered with a pink table cloth, the table holding a wide array of food. She was down a plate of cookies though, thanks to Finn and his bottomless pit of a stomach. She walked over to the table, pouring a glass of wine for herself and one for Kurt.

Mercedes soon arrived and the three of them got down to business, happily looking through the magazines and discussing the wedding. Vlad settled between Rachel and Kurt, contributing to the little party by chewing his rubber steak against Kurt's designer clad leg.

"Let's put on a movie," Mercedes decided, needing a break from Wedding Central. "What do you want to watch?"

"_Funny Girl_," Rachel said immediately.

"I don't want to watch that one. Let's watch _Hello Dolly!_" Kurt replied just as fast, earning a gasp from Rachel.

Mercedes looked from Kurt to Rachel. "I've never seen either. Which one's better?"

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: I got the idea to do a backwards story after watching the Seinfeld episode where they travel to India and the episode starts at the end and works its way backwards to the beginning. I really liked the idea and hopefully did it justice._**


	7. Demons, Part I

**_Glee is not mine. Neither is the Awesome 80's Prom._**

* * *

><p><em><strong>"I had often fantasized about running into my ex and his wife, but, in those fantasies, I was running into them with a truck."<strong>_

_**- Sex and the City**_

* * *

><p>"You ready for tonight, Ray?" Finn asked, taking her hand in his as they waited to be seated. He swung their hands lightly through the air, as he waited for her answer. "I've been told Vlad and I have to clear out of the apartment by five o'clock sharp."<p>

"You know more than I do, then. I've been told nothing," Rachel replied. "Kurt picked out my outfit and shoes last week and I haven't even seen it yet."

"I'm sure you'll love it," Finn answered, knowing that she would because he'd seen it last week. He was a little jealous that he wouldn't get to see her in the outfit, or better yet, help her _out_ of it.

"You've seen it," Rachel said immediately, reading his face correctly. She released his hand to let her arms snake around his waist, unleashing her best wide eyed look, the one that never failed to get whatever she wanted out of him. "Finny-Bear? You know what we're doing, don't you?"

Shit. This was exactly why Kurt and the girls _hadn't_ told him what was going on. They knew he'd cave with one look from Rachel. "I _may_ have seen what you're wearing, but I honestly have no idea what they've planned for your Bachelorette Party."

Rachel stared up at him, ready to shed tears to get her way if necessary. "Am I going to look pretty in my dress?" she asked slyly.

"If you're wearing a dress, then yes," Finn replied, knowing what she was up to.

Rachel's eyes shot up; surprised that he hadn't fallen for her trick. She opened her mouth, prepared to try again, but was thwarted by the arrival of the hostess, ready to seat them for lunch.

"Right this way, please," the hostess announced, leading the way to their selected table. Finn followed, his hand slipping easily into Rachel's. "Your waiter will be with you in a moment."

Rachel sat down, immediately reaching across the table for Finn's hands, smiling coyly. "So Finny, this outfit that you _may_ have seen, is it something that I would wear to a club?"

"My lips are sealed," Finn said firmly, releasing his hands. He picked up his menu, determined to change the subject. "The chicken sandwich looks awesome. What are you going to have?"

Unfortunately for him, Rachel was just as determined _not_ to change the subject. "Is this outfit something that I would wear only for you?"

"No, but I wouldn't mind helping you out of the dress," he commented, his mind still fixated on the chicken sandwich he was considering.

Shit.

He looked up to see a triumphant Rachel, a wide smile gracing her face as she took in his words. He could see her mind racing with the newly gained information. Finn braced himself for the onslaught of questions he knew was coming, when her face suddenly paled, the smile disappearing immediately.

"Rachel, what's the problem?" he asked anxiously, his eyes searching around her for any sign of something amiss.

"I…I have to go to the bathroom. Order me a salad." She took off in the direction of the bathroom, her head down, leaving a very confused fiancée at the table.

He was just contemplating going after her when a waiter appeared at his side. "Hi, I'm Jesse and I'll be your waiter today."

Finn glanced up at the curly haired waiter next to him in annoyance. The man was standing there expectantly, staring at Finn, who wasn't sure _why_, but he knew that something about this waiter irritated him.

"Can I get you anything to drink?" Jesse asked in a bored voice; staring at the man seated in front of him.

"Uh…I'll have a Coke and my fiancée will have Green Tea," Finn managed to say in a normal tone. The waiter nodded, not bothering to write it down before he strolled away.

Maybe it was the self-assured way he walked, or that smug look on his face, but there was _something_ about that waiter that he didn't like. He was still trying to figure it out when Rachel came back to the table. "Are you ok?" he asked automatically, concern showing in his eyes.

"I'm fine, but I have to tell you something," Rachel said quietly.

"What?" He didn't bother trying to hide the worry and confusion in his voice. His eyes followed Rachel as she got up and came over to his side of the booth, sliding in next to him and looping her arm through his.

"Before I tell you, you have to promise me that you won't get mad, or do something rash or resort to violence." Her fingers found his, gripping him tightly.

"Babe, what's going on?" He stared at her, trying to search for clues on her face.

"Promise me, Finn."

"Fine, I promise. Now what is it?"

"It's our waiter."

"What about him? He seems like a curly haired tool," Finn commented, the pieces suddenly falling into place.

_Hi, I'm Jesse and I'll be your waiter today._

_Jesse._

The only other boyfriend Rachel had ever had; the one who used her for sex and errands, then dumped her publicly. The one who had scarred Rachel so bad she gave up on relationships for years, until she met Finn. His instincts had been right. He _knew_ he hated that punk and would love nothing more than to wipe that smug look off his face with his fist. "That's the guy you dated in high school, isn't it? The one who used you?"

Rachel could feel Finn tensing next to her and she gripped his hand tighter. "Finn, you promised. Let me handle this."

"But Rach-"

"_No_. You promised," Rachel threatened. She reached up to kiss his face repeatedly, until she could feel him relax. Once she felt he was ok, she returned to her side of the table, picking up her menu in her right hand while her left hand reached across the table to find Finn's fingers. She didn't bother to look up as Jesse returned and placed the drinks in front of them.

"Are you ready to order?" he asked, getting out his notepad.

His fingers getting squeezed tightly as a reminder to behave, Finn looked up at Jesse, who still had that _you bore me_ look on his face. Despite the fact that what he _really_ wanted was to order Jesse's head on a platter, he decided to play nice for Rachel's sake. "I'll have the chicken sandwich platter."

Jesse nodded, writing it down as he turned to Rachel, who finally looked up. "Hello, Jesse."

Finn smirked at the scorn that was evident in those two words. He squeezed her fingers, offering her his support, but at the same time shifting their entwined hands slightly so that Jesse could clearly see the engagement ring Rachel proudly wore on her left hand.

Jesse stared a minute at Rachel in surprise. "Do I know you?"

"It's me Rachel. Rachel Berry. We went to high school together," she reminded him, not taking her eyes off of Jesse.

"Oh. _Oh_! Now I remember! You used to follow me around, didn't you?" He turned to Finn, gesturing to Rachel with his thumb. "She was my first groupie, you know."

Finn, who knew all too well the history between these two, clenched his fist as a scowl appeared on his face. Only a sharp kick from Rachel stopped him from introducing Jesse to his fist.

"Forgive me for not recognizing you right away. It's just that I see so many faces daily," Jesse explained.

"I bet. One of the difficulties of being a waiter," Finn commented, earning another kick from Rachel, although this one wasn't as sharp.

"Actually, this is just my day job. I'm currently the star of a Broadway show," Jesse announced smugly. "What have you been doing, Rachel? Still writing your little stories?"

"As a matter of fact, one of my 'little stories' has been made into a novel," Rachel responded frostily. "It was on the _New York Times_ Best Seller List."

"Twelve weeks in a row," Finn added proudly, bringing Rachel's hand up to his mouth for a kiss.

"How nice," Jesse responded, bored with any topic that wasn't him.

He leaned closer to Rachel, casting a furtive glance at Finn. "Did we sleep together?" he asked in a stage whisper.

"If you could call it that," Rachel replied, shrugging. "It certainly wasn't the best sex I've ever had."

Finn smirked, knowing exactly who'd given Rachel the best sex of her life. He felt Rachel running her foot up and down his leg, confirming this.

"Clearly, you're mistaking me for someone else," Jesse replied smoothly.

"No, I don't think I am. It was only one time and I laid there while you got what you wanted and then fell asleep, but not before telling me to leave," Rachel explained, trying to sound strong and in control. Her grip on Finn's fingers tightened as she tried to get all the support he was offering to flow from his fingers to hers.

"Really. I don't recall that."

"Yeah, you were probably too busy being a douche and making out with cheerleaders while poor Rachel was being your glorified servant," Finn spat out, unable to control himself any longer.

Jesse turned to stare at him. "I'm sorry, but who are you?"

"He's my fiancé. We're getting married next month," Rachel announced proudly, her eyes finding Finn's for a second before flickering back to Jesse and narrowing immediately. "And actually, he's right. You _were_ a douche back then. I was just too naïve to see it."

Jesse's mouth fell open as his eyes narrowed. "As I recall, _you_ were the one who was happy to receive any attention I gave you. It's not like boys were knocking your door down trying to date you."

Despite what he'd promised Rachel about not interfering, Finn had begun seeing red when he'd seen her gasp at Jesse's words and he was ready to care of this for her. "Don't _ever_ speak to Rachel that way," he growled, his hand releasing Rachel's and clenching automatically.

Rachel, correctly sensing that this little showdown was about to turn into a major one, decided to take the high road. She grabbed Finn's hand again, her thumb rubbing his knuckles. "Come on, Finny. Let's leave. I've suddenly lost my appetite."

Glaring at a still silent Jesse, Rachel slid out of the booth still holding Finn's hand tightly, forcing him to slide out from his side also. She smoothed her skirt with her free hand before speaking to Jesse. "We'll be going now. The thought of having to speak to you again turns my stomach."

"Good-bye Rachel," Jesse sneered, turning his attention to Finn. "I don't know your potato-headed fiancée's name but you'd better get him home quick. He's got a constipated look on his face. I think he's trying to think of an insult to say."

Rachel had started dragging Finn away, but whirled around at his words. Quickly, before either Finn or Jesse realized what she was about to do, she stepped closer to him, grabbing her glass of green tea at the same time. Finn watched with wide eyes as she threw the drink in his face.

"_That's_ for the way you treated me in high school and _this..." _she grabbed Finn's glass of soda and again threw it in his face. "…is for insulting Finn, who's more of a man than you'll ever be." Her eyes drifted towards his groin. "In more ways than one," she added significantly.

Finn smirked as she slipped her hand back into his. "Ready to go home, baby?" she asked as she looked up at him.

"Ready," he confirmed as he squeezed her hand, his eyes showing how proud he was of her.

She smiled up at him, as hand in hand they headed out of the restaurant, leaving a sputtering Jesse behind them wiping green tea and soda from his eyes.

* * *

><p>Rachel wasn't displaying the euphoria Finn assumed she'd feel from besting Jesse. He'd been watching her the entire walk home, and instead of grilling him about her upcoming Bachelorette Party or talking about what had just happened, she's maintained a glum silence, her fingers lightly intertwined with his. Her smile had disappeared instantly, replaced by a look of uncertainty.<p>

He bided his time, knowing that whatever was bothering her, she wasn't ready to talk about it yet. Once they got to the apartment, he figured she'd be ready to talk, but to his surprise, she headed into the bathroom immediately upon arriving home, ignoring Vlad weaving through her feet, closing and locking the door behind her.

Finn stared at the closed door in shock, the click of the lock feeling like a slap to the face. She'd _never_ locked him out before. When she was furious with him, yes, but _never_ when she was upset about something. Tentatively, he knocked on the door. "Ray? Are you ok?"

"I'm fine, Finn," came the dull response. He pressed an ear to the door and heard a few sobs.

"Baby, I know something's wrong. Let me in so we can talk about it." He frowned as the door remained locked.

"Finn, nothing's wrong, I'm fine." As if to prove her point, she opened the door and strode past him, but not before Finn got a glimpse of her eyes as she wiped a few tears away.

He followed her into the bedroom, watching as she flopped onto their bed. Vlad, beating Finn to it, immediately jumped up on the bed and curled up against her, his eyes closing as Rachel began petting him.

Finn made his way over to his side of the bed, climbing on and spooning Rachel from behind, his arms pulling her closer to him. He said nothing, simply holding her until she was ready to talk.

They stayed like that for a while, Finn holding Rachel holding Vlad. Eventually, he felt her snuggle into him, a sign that she was getting ready to talk. His patience was rewarded a few minutes later when she sighed.

"Why are you marrying me?"

The words, spoken in a whisper, startled Finn. "What? What do you mean?"

"I've just been thinking. Why would anyone_ want _to marry me?" She spoke in a whisper, not turning her head to face Finn behind her.

"Does this have anything to do with what Jesse said?" He got his answer in the silence that filled the room. Anger and hatred for Jesse surged through his body as he pulled Rachel closer.

"He was right. Boys weren't exactly fighting to date me in high school," Rachel admitted. "Do you still feel guilty about the bet? Is that why you're marrying me?"

"Rachel, look at me." She didn't turn around, so he used his hand to force her to turn her head. He couldn't believe she brought up that bet from almost two years ago. It seemed like a distant memory, one that they'd happily repressed. "I'm marrying you because I am totally, one hundred percent, absolutely, positively in love with you and I can't picture my life without you." He kissed her lips tenderly. "Plus, I _may_ be addicted to your banana bread."

He chuckled a little when Rachel smacked his arm playfully. He squeezed her tighter. "Seriously, Jesse's a douche. He was just saying that to get under your skin."

She gave him a small smile. "I can't believe we ran into him. Of all the ways I'd pictured it, it was _never _like that."

He kissed her temple. "Oh? How did you picture it? Cause I always pictured introducing Jesse to my softball bat."

"Finn!" she admonished gently, smiling in spite of herself. "I always pictured running into him and telling him off, letting him know _exactly_ how much he'd hurt me." Her smile died a little. "I had the chance to do that and I blew it."

"Rachel, you threw not one, but _two_ drinks in his face. I think you got back at him," Finn pointed out, laughing as the memory of Jesse covered in soda and green tea.

"That did feel good," Rachel admitted. "I just wanted to get out of there, but when he insulted you, I snapped. I just wish I could have told him what he did to me."

"You're doing it again. Don't let him get to you," Finn cautioned, giving her temple a kiss. "He's not worth thinking about."

"You're right." Her face set into a determined line, but he could still see some regret lingering in her eyes.

"That's better. I don't want you thinking about this again," Finn directed. He decided to try and get her mind off of it. "Rumor has it someone on this bed has a big night coming up."

Rachel smiled widely. "Oh really?" she asked, playing along as she brought her hand up to rub the arm he still had around her.

"Yup," Finn confirmed. "Vlad's got a hot date tonight."

"Very funny, Finny." He grinned as Rachel swatted his arm.

Vlad, hearing his name, stood up on his little legs for a moment before stretching like a cat. Satisfied, he circled a few times before finding the perfect spot in front of Rachel to continue his nap.

"I think Vlad's got the right idea," Finn commented, noticing Rachel yawning. "Why don't you take a nap before Kurt and the girls get here?"

"Mmm." Rachel snuggled her backside against him, pulling his arm around her and closing her eyes. "You're right. I don't want to be yawning in front of the naked men. That would be rude."

She opened one eye to see Finn's reaction, hoping he'd give something away. Quirking an eyebrow, he simply responded with an "I told you I have no idea what you're doing."

Damn.

She closed her eyes, letting herself drift off to sleep, unaware that behind her, Finn was staring up at the ceiling, resisting the urge to go back to that restaurant and take care of Jesse St. James once and for all.

He smirked, even his _name_ was douchy. He glanced at the back of Rachel's head, remembering her words from the restaurant and the promise he'd made her. If he knew for sure that she'd be seeing him, he'd totally break that promise and handle it, but since it was unlikely she'd ever run into him again, he'd keep that promise and let Rachel handle the Jesse situation.

For now.

* * *

><p>"The time is now 5:10. May I ask what you're still doing here?"<p>

Finn tore his gaze away from _American Chopper_ to see Kurt, a large box of decorations under one arm resting on his hip while the other held a dress bag containing Rachel's outfit, staring at him expectantly. Behind him, Mercedes and Tina, one juggling bags of food, the other holding a large cake platter, were staring at him, waiting for his answer. He'd been so engrossed in the show he hadn't even heard them come in. "Hey guys."

"Why are you here?" Kurt demanded. "You _promised_ you'd be gone by five! Where is Rachel?"

"Last time I checked, I live here," Finn responded. "And Rachel's taking a nap, but don't wake her. She's had a rough day."

He sat up, keeping an ear out for the opening of the bedroom door. Once he was sure Rachel had fallen asleep, he'd headed for the kitchen, making them the lunch they'd been denied at the restaurant, courtesy of Jesse St. Sucks. He figured the smells would wake Rachel, but to his surprise, only Vlad had emerged from the bedroom. He'd shared his lunch with Vlad, cleaned up, put Rachel's food away, checked on her, sat down to watch _American Chopper_ with Vlad and she was _still_ asleep.

"What happened?" Mercedes asked, placing her bags of food on the floor. The smells overwhelming his nose, Vlad jumped excitedly from Finn's lap to bury his head in one of the bags, ignoring Quinn and Brittany, who'd just come in carrying more boxes.

"We went out to lunch and our waiter was this guy from her high school that used her." He shrugged, not sure how much Rachel wanted them to know. "Where did you guys get those shirts?"

It hadn't escaped his attention that each of them was wearing a tank top, with the exception of Kurt, who wore a simple men's t-shirt, printed with the words _Last Fling before the Ring_ in large letters _Rachel's Bachelorette Party_ in smaller letters underneath it.

"_Jesse_?" Mercedes gasped, ignoring Finn's question and shooing Vlad away from the bags at the same time. "What did Rachel say?"

"Who's Jesse?" Kurt asked as he placed the box of decorations on the couch next to Finn, who peered into the box with interest, eyeing the bright pink decorations. "And stay out of that box!"

"Jesse was this jerk from high school who used Rachel for sex and then dumped her publicly in front of half the school," Mercedes responded scathingly. "So how did she react when she saw him?"

"She told him off and then threw two glasses of soda in his face," Finn told her proudly, immediately distracted as he watched Quinn carefully unpack something and place it on the edge of his poker table, which Brittany had just covered with a tablecloth decorated with male genitalia. "_Whoa!_ Is that an ice luge in the shape of a _penis_?"

Quinn nodded happily. "I found the mold online. It took two days to freeze."

Finn got off the couch to examine the ice luge closer, his curiosity getting the better of him. The ice luge was an exact replica of a man's lower torso, and he couldn't help but laugh when Quinn tested it by pouring some alcohol at the hip, watching as it flowed through the torso and out the tip of the penis.

"Wait, she threw soda in his face?" Mercedes asked, bringing his attention back to her. She stared at him expectantly, the hand on her hip holding a paper garland of male genitalia.

"Yup. We'd started to leave when he insulted _me_ and she just turned around and did it. She came home upset and eventually fell asleep. Nobody mention it when she wakes up," Finn commanded, watching as she and Brittany strung the penis garland across the window, while Kurt and Quinn began blowing up balloons either bearing a picture of a penis or the words 'Bachelorette Party.'

He decided to head over to where Tina was spreading out the food and alcohol. "I'm guessing there's a distinct theme here?" he questioned, holding up the penis shaped straws Tina had just laid out.

He grabbed a cookie, noticing too late that it was in the shape of a penis. He stared at it, wondering if he could bring himself to eat it, when it was suddenly slapped out of his hand.

"Don't eat anything. Those aren't for you," Kurt commanded. Finn shrugged, his eyes on the thankfully normal shaped pretzels nearby that he was planning to steal when Kurt wasn't looking. He continued scanning the table, taking in all the food.

"_Whoa!_ Is that for Rachel?" He held up an anatomically correct plastic penis glass. Several matching glasses were nearby, and he could see a penis shaped cake resting proudly at one end of the table, near the jello shots.

"_Will you leave_?" Kurt hissed, snatching the glass from him. Finn, his attention now grabbed by the large poster Brittany was hanging up of a practically nude fireman holding his fire hat strategically, headed over to the poster, ignoring Kurt.

"What's this for?" he asked, examining the box the poster came in. "_Pin the hose on the fireman_," he read aloud. "How do you…_oh_."

"Exactly. Now will you and Vlad get lost?" Kurt demanded.

"Nope. Not until Rachel wakes up and I see she's ok. Is this what you guys are going to be doing all night?" Finn asked curiously. Bachelorette parties were a hell of a lot different from Bachelor parties. "No wonder why you told me to be gone."

"And yet you're _still _here. But to answer your question, no. This is only the first part of the night. We have something really special planned later. Why don't you go wake her up? We need to start getting her ready," Kurt directed, pushing Finn in the direction of the bedroom.

"Fine." Finn shrugged, ready to get away from Penisville for a while. He pushed open the door to find a still sleeping Rachel on their bed. Just like before, he climbed on the bed and spooned her, placing small kisses on her jaw to wake her. "Rachel."

She shifted, snuggling her backside into him and letting him plant soft kisses repeatedly on her neck. "Baby," he murmured between kisses. "You need to wake up."

Her eyes fluttered open, her head turning to look at him. He smiled at the sleepy look in her eyes, placing a kiss on her lips. "Time to get up. Kurt and the girls are here and they've turned the living room into a penis wonderland for you."

"Really?" she squealed, jumping off the bed and looked around the room expectantly. Finn stared at her surprised. She seemed to have forgotten about the Jesse St. James incident. "Where's the dress you told me about?"

"Rachel, wait a second." He scooted over to her side of the bed, sitting on the edge and pulling her between his legs. "I wanted to make sure you're ok."

"I'm fine, Finn," she promised, placing her hands on his shoulders.

"Really? You're not just saying that?"

"I swear. You were right. I'm not going to let him ruin my night or my life," Rachel said firmly. "Now can I go see what they did?"

Finn laughed for a moment before capturing her lips in a kiss. "Lemme just grab my duffel bag since my penis is the one penis that's not welcomed out there."

"That's too bad," Rachel said saucily, running a hand along his groin. "It's the one I like the best." She pulled him up by his hands and out the door, barely letting him grab his duffel bag on the way out.

She squealed again as she saw the decorations, taking everything in. Finn stared around in shock. In the short time he'd been in the bedroom, they'd penised up the apartment even more. In addition to the balloons and penis garland, there were now paper penises hanging from the ceiling along with regular steamers. A 'Bachelorette Party' banner was strung on the divider between the kitchen and living room, while a paper penis centerpiece sat proudly in the middle of the coffee table.

Even Vlad's castle wasn't immune, since a paper penis hung jauntily from the turret like a flag.

"Rachel! There you are!" Mercedes proclaimed, walking over to her and placing a tiara with purple penis antenna coming off of it on her head. "Say good bye to Finn so we can start to party!"

"Wait, Finn has to do a shot with us first," Brittany decided, coming over with a tray of shots. They each took one, Finn immediately noticing that even the shot glasses were decorated with a penis. Toasting Rachel, they quickly did their shots.

"Where are you going to stay tonight, Finn?" Quinn asked as she put her empty shot glass back on the tray.

"Vlad and I are going to Artie's," he responded, placing his glass next to Quinn's.

"Oh, it'll be like a party, since Lord Tubbington is there too!" Brittany announced excitedly.

Finn frowned, wishing he'd known that Brittany's super spoiled cat was going to be at Artie's too. Somehow he doubted that he and Artie would be able to just chill and watch the game with both Vlad _and_ Lord Tubbington there.

"Alright Finn. You're officially banned from the apartment until tomorrow. Say goodbye to Rachel," Kurt directed.

Finn did as he was told, leaning down to kiss his bride to be, while Kurt scooped up Vlad and placed him in his carrier. "Bye baby. I love you."

Rachel cupped his face as she kissed him back, mumbling against his mouth. "I love you too."

"Have fun!" Finn called over his shoulder as Kurt stepped between them, shoving his duffel bag into his arms and pushing Finn towards the door. Mercedes opened the door for Kurt to continue pushing Finn out, while Quinn handed Vlad's carrier to Finn on his way out the door. Once Finn and Vlad were successfully out the door, Kurt slammed it shut with a flourish, locking it immediately.

"Ok! Let's get this party started!"

* * *

><p>"Hey, Finn. Vlad!" Artie greeted as he opened the door. The carrier on Finn's arm began moving excitedly at Artie's words. "How's the party going over there?"<p>

"Hey man. You wouldn't believe how they've decorated. I've never seen so many penises. Did you know they make a penis ice luge?" Finn greeted as he strolled in, pleased that he and Vlad had arrived in plenty of time for the game. He glanced around warily, but Lord Tubbington was nowhere to be seen.

Artie burst out laughing as he wheeled towards the kitchen. "No, but I saw the penis shaped ice cubes Brittany was making last night. Pizza ok?"

"Sounds good to me." Finn settled onto his traditional spot on the couch, releasing Vlad from his carrier while Artie ordered the pizza. Vlad took off on his usual inspection of Artie's apartment immediately, disappearing in the direction of the kitchen.

"Did it start yet?" Artie asked a few minutes later as he wheeled back in with beers and a Chihuahua on his lap.

"You're good. How long until the pizza?"

"Twenty minutes," Artie replied as Vlad jumped off his lap and continued his inspection of the apartment, this time heading towards the bedroom.

"Awesome, I'm starving. I wasn't allowed to eat any of the penis shaped food they had over there."

The game started, engrossing Finn and Artie. They yelled and screamed at the refs, pausing only to open the door for the pizza guy. Vlad was nowhere to be seen, not having completed his inspection yet, and Lord Tubbington had yet to make an appearance.

Finn grabbed another slice of pizza, chewing thoughtfully. Maybe he'd been worried about Lord Tubbington and Vlad for nothing.

He settled back on the couch, ready to relax and have an easy night of beer drinking.

* * *

><p>"So our next game is called <em>Know your Groom<em>," Tina announced, waving her glass in the air, more than a little tipsy. The penis ice luge had been a big hit and many an incriminating picture had been taken with it. She led Rachel, now wearing a "_Bride" _sash and a shot glass around her neck in addition to her tiara, over to a chair.

Rachel sat down obediently. "How do we play?"

Tina grinned mischievously. "Last week, I gave Mike this questionnaire to give to Finn. He had to fill it out honestly and gave it back to Mike who gave it back to me. We're going to see how well your answers match. Each question you get wrong, you drink."

"And when I get them right?" Rachel asked, feeling perfectly confident about _this_ game. She hadn't done so well giving the fireman his hose, placing it completely off the poster. Only Kurt and Quinn had managed to come anywhere near the correct spot.

"You drink," Tina answered. "We each thought of a question to ask Finn, so who wants to go first?"

"I do!" Mercedes called, waving her hand in the air like a schoolgirl. She cleared her throat, placing the card with Finn's answer face down on her lap. "Ok, Rachel. Complete this sentence. _I've always been able to ward him off, but it's only a matter of time before Finn gets me to make love... _Where Rachel?"

Rachel blushed furiously. "Are they all going to be like this?" she asked suspiciously.

"Just answer the question!" Mercedes chided.

"Fine. Finn always wants to have sex on his desk at work. Either that or on Kurt's super comfy couch."

"_What_?" Kurt screeched. "You are _not _having sex on my suede couch!"

"What did Finn say, Mercedes?" Quinn asked, laughing.

Mercedes held up the card with Finn's answer, which allowed them all to see that Finn did in fact want to have sex on Kurt's couch.

"Drink up, Rachel," Tina demanded, filling the shot glass around Rachel's neck. Still blushing, Rachel downed her shot, ready for the next question.

"My turn!" Kurt announced. "Ok Rachel. Two parter. Which of _your_ friends did Finn say he found the most attractive?"

Rachel bit her lip, since this question had caused an argument between them before. "Quinn," she finally mumbled. "What's the other question?"

"Which one of _his_ friends did he say you'd find the most attractive?"

"Mike," Rachel said without hesitation, ignoring the look Tina and Quinn were both giving her.

"I concur," Kurt said, slightly tipsy himself. "You're only half right though Rachel. He said you'd say Sam. Drink up."

After a few more rounds of questions in which Rachel correctly guessed that Finn would say she owed him more sexual favors than he owed her but incorrectly guessed that his favorite body part of hers was her smile, Rachel was more than a little tipsy.

"Ok, ladies, it's time to get ready for the next part of the night!" Kurt announced, clapping his hands. "Mer, you and Tina take Rachel into the bedroom to get her dressed and we'll get ready out here."

Twenty minutes later, Rachel emerged from the bedroom dressed in a gorgeous tight white dress, her _Bride _sash on top, and a veil now on her head. "I'm ready to go!" she slurred. "Wow! Look at you guys! Where are we going?"She eyed the group, all dressed in 80's style dress.

"Let's get a picture to send to Finn, Rachel," Kurt commanded. She obediently posed seductively under the ice luge as Kurt snapped the picture. He laughed, sending it off to Finn.

"There. Sent. That should spice up his night. I bet he's having a boring night over at Artie's."

* * *

><p>"Where's Vlad?" Artie asked, looking around the room for any sign of the Chihuahua. Normally he was parked in Artie's lap, but he'd disappeared a while ago.<p>

"Dunno. He's probably still sniffing around," Finn replied, taking a swig of beer, his attention focused on the game.

His phone beeped, indicating a text. The game and Vlad's whereabouts were immediately forgotten once he saw the picture of Rachel he'd been sent. He didn't know what the hell they were doing over there, but if they'd gotten enough liquor into Rachel to take a photo like _that_, he was ready to go home and kick them all out to party with Rachel privately.

Vlad soon reemerged, nose close to the ground. Ignoring Finn, Artie and even the pizza, he made his way over to the cat condo, easily climbing through the hole and entering.

"_Rowrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"_

"_Arffffffffffffffff!"_

Finn and Artie both jumped out of their skins at the noise. If Finn had been wondering where Lord Tubbington was, he'd certainly gotten his answer. The cat condo had begun to shake violently as Lord Tubbington defended his home against the canine intruder.

"Dude! He's totally attacking Vlad!" Finn yelled over the cacophony of hissing and growling coming from inside the cat condo. "How are we gonna get them out?"

Artie looked unsure of what to do, as he watched the cat condo shake and sway, the noises coming from inside seeming to have a paralyzing effect on him. Finn, seeing that Artie was going to be no help, ran to the kitchen, quickly filling up the first mixing bowl he could find with water.

He headed back to the cat condo throwing the bowl of water through the hole. With a final screech, the fighting inside the condo stopped immediately. Finn, seeing Vlad's rear near the door, reached in and pulled a now soaked Vlad out. The little Chihuahua was shaking, his face bearing several bloody scratches courtesy of his boxing match with Lord Tubbington.

Finn carried Vlad over to the couch, cradling him close to his body. A wet Lord Tubbington emerged from the condo, climbing up onto the roof and hissing at Vlad in between licking his paws and cleaning himself. Finn glared at the cat, stroking Vlad as he tried to calm him.

"What did that evil cat do to you?" he asked, trying to channel the calming voice Rachel used when Vlad had to go to the vet, a place the tiny dog was terrified of.

"Look at him! He's shaking!" Artie added, peering closely at Vlad. "Let's give him some pizza." He ripped up a piece, placing it on a paper plate and leaving it next to Finn on the couch. Poor Vlad was so traumatized that he ignored the pizza, choosing to stay in the safety of Finn's arms.

Eventually, the Chihuahua calmed, getting brave enough to venture off of Finn's lap and take a few bites of the pizza next to Finn before wandering slightly further until he finally felt brave enough to leave the couch. Lord Tubbington kept a watchful eye on Vlad from atop his cat condo like a predator stalking its prey, arching his back and taking a swipe at Vlad whenever he got too close to the condo.

Several times he'd ambushed the Chihuahua when he'd started sniffing the floor around the condo by jumping down and landing on top of Vlad, commencing a new battle. Finn, sick of running and filling the mixing bowl, soon took to keeping Artie's Super Soaker water pistol next to his seat, ready to blast Lord Tubbington right between the eyes each time he attacked.

The hisses and growls of the two enemies often drowned out the game, causing Artie to constantly turn up the TV. Finn, getting a headache from the volume of the TV and the constant battles, tried to grab Lord Tubbington to put him in another room, but he hissed and attacked Finn.

"Dude! Can't you lock that cat in another room?" Finn yelled over the hissing of Lord Tubbington and the barking of Vlad. "He just took another swipe at Vlad again! Why is he here?"

"Brittany didn't want to him to spend the night alone. I didn't know she was planning on dropping him off here, until she showed up with him," Artie yelled back as he wheeled into the room with more beers. "The cat condo just stays here all the time for when she brings LT over."

Finn frowned, wishing Artie had brought in the hard liquor. They were gonna need a lot more than beer to get through the night.

Eventually, they reached a sort of truce in which Lord Tubbington occupied one half of the room, while Finn, Artie and Vlad occupied the other half. Lord Tubbington was gradually taking over more and more of the room, taunting Vlad by walking along the arm of the couch, taking a swipe at him as he strolled past.

"Seriously, Artie! Do something! That damn cat is scaring the crap out of Vlad! He outweighs Vlad by like 20 pounds!" Finn cried as Vlad shivered on his lap.

Artie narrowed his lips in determination, waiting until Lord Tubbington got near enough to his wheelchair before he grabbed the cat, earning a scratch to the face. Leaving Vlad on the couch, Finn jumped up to push Artie's wheelchair towards another room. Unfortunately, he pushed Artie harder than he intended, surprising Artie and causing him to lose his grip on Lord Tubbington.

The cat jumped lithely off of Artie's lap, making a beeline towards the couch and jumping up to attack Vlad. Finn lunged for Vlad, landing in between the cat and dog just as Lord Tubbington struck. The cat lashed out, his paws attacking Finn instead of Vlad. Artie grabbed the water gun, soaking the cat until he retreated to the top level of the cat condo.

Finn sat up, his face bleeding lightly from Lord Tubbington's scratches. He picked up Vlad, holding him close and glaring at their mutual enemy.

"Sorry, man," Artie said apologetically.

"Rachel better be having the time of her life," Finn muttered darkly, grabbing a napkin from the table and wiping his face. "Cause this really blows."

* * *

><p>"Where are we going?" Rachel demanded for the tenth time, glancing at everyone's outfits curiously as she bounced up and down excitedly.<p>

"We're going back to high school," Mercedes announced.

"Huh?" She may be tipsy, but even tipsy Rachel knew that wasn't possible. She looked at Kurt, Quinn, Brittany and Tina, all of whom were staring excitedly at her, clearly knowing something she didn't.

"Mercedes is right. We're going back to high school...circa 1989," Kurt explained calmly, waiting for Rachel to catch on.

"You mean..." Rachel said slowly, her eyes beginning to light up.

"Yup. We're going to the _Awesome 80's Prom_!" Brittany announced, unable to contain her excitement.

Rachel squealed excitedly at the mention of the Off-Broadway show. Having Kurt as a brother-in-law was definitely advantageous, since it meant that she automatically had a partner to go to Broadway shows with. Finn usually didn't want to go but once Rachel and Kurt began tag teaming him, they'd managed to drag him to pretty much every Broadway show. They sometimes replaced him with Mercedes, but the _Awesome 80's Prom _was something that needed to be experienced by a group of people and they both knew that Finn, along with Mike, Artie, Blaine and Noah, would refuse to go, especially since it was an interactive show where the actors mingled with the audience on the dance floor.

"How come I don't get to dress up in 80's clothes?" Rachel demanded, eyeing their clothing. They'd changed out of their matching t-shirts and into vintage 80's outfits. She loved the gorgeous dress Kurt had picked out, but it looked like fun to wear the bright funky clothes they had on. "I could get my sequined leg warmers," she offered, making to move towards the bedroom.

"_Rachel._ The 80's were a time of bad fashion. You live that _everyday._ This is your chance to look fabulous while everyone else looks awful. It'll be a nice switch for you," Kurt admonished. "Shall we go ladies?"

He linked arms with Mercedes, heading towards the door, ignoring a narrow-eyed, annoyed Rachel in his path. Quinn, Brittany and Tina followed, leaving Rachel no choice but to head out, minus her leg warmers.

Her annoyance dissipated when she saw the limo, decorated with car stickers indicating a bachelorette party was inside. She climbed in, accepting the drink Mercedes handed her, happily singing along to Cyndi Lauper's _'Girls Just Want to Have Fun' _and posing for pictures.

"Alright; Rachel, here's the rules," Tina announced. "Rule number one: No calling Finn or anyone else with a penis, unless it's Kurt."

"Hand over your cell phone," Mercedes added. Rachel obliged, watching as Mercedes stuck it in her own purse.

"Rule number two: You drink when we tell you to drink. Got it?"

Rachel nodded, too tipsy to realize the hangover that came with that rule. "Anything else?"

"Nope. That's it. Just have fun."

Rachel sank back into her seat, absorbing the rules. She fully intended to have fun, especially after the day she'd had. She took the shot Brittany handed her, holding it in front of her as Kurt cleared his throat to gain the attention of the limo.

"Ahem. It's time for a toast, ladies." He waited until each of them had a shot in front of them before continuing. "We've all lived through the torment that is high school once and had a world of regrets. This time around, may all the girls be jealous of _us_, may everyone want to hang out with us, and may the hottest guy in the room buy us a shot because Rachel's tying the knot!" Holding up his shot in salute, he brought it to his lips, and tilted his head back, just like everyone else.

Rachel followed suit, thinking about Kurt's words. Her first go round in high school had been tainted by the Jesse debacle, but she was determined that this high school experience was going to be different.

This time, it was going to be _awesome._

* * *

><p>"This <em>blows<em>." Finn banged his head against Artie's headboard, cursing the person who'd decided that Brittany should have a cat.

Lord Tubbington had continued his quest for total domination, taking over the living room and evading capture, forcing Artie, Finn and Vlad to retreat to Artie's bedroom. Rather than watch the game on Artie's huge 72 inch flat screen HD TV, they'd had to squint at Artie's tiny, old, _not _high def or flat screen TV in his bedroom, all because of a damn cat.

They couldn't even play any video games, since they were out in the living room with the devil incarnate. The game had long since ended and they were stuck watching old episodes of _Bewitched_ because Artie didn't get cable in his bedroom.

"I mean, this seriously blows," Finn repeated, stroking Vlad's head slightly harder than he intended, earning a bug eyed glare from the Chihuahua. "We're being held hostage by a cat."

He could hear Lord Tubbington hissing and scratching outside the door and his ire grew. All three of them bore scratches on their faces and arms, or in Vlad's case his snout, courtesy of Lord Tubbington.

Artie nodded miserably next to him, beerless. In their haste to get away from Lord Tubbington, he'd left his beer on the table. "At least it can't get any worse, right?"

Finn didn't answer, fishing his ringing cell phone off of the nightstand. Assuming it was Rachel, which would vastly improve his night, he answered with a cheery, "Hey baby!"

_"Cute nicknames won't work with me, Hudson. You're not my type."_

Artie was wrong. It just got worse. The scathing voice made Finn spit out the beer he'd just swallowed in surprise. He sat up, holding the phone to his ear. "Sue? How did you get _this_ number? I changed it _again_."

For the third time.

It was getting to be a real pain in the ass. He'd have to pay the fees, give everyone the new number to program in and remember what the hell the number was himself, only to have to change it again when Sue somehow got a hold of it.

_"It would be a hell of a lot easier if you didn't. Makes a lot of work for my computer guy Howard Bamboo. Poor thing's gotta either hack into Verizon's network each time or tap Wheels' phone."_

"You tapped Artie's phone?" Finn exclaimed, making Artie sit up in surprise.

_"Of course. I've tapped all your phones in my never ending quest to bring down Will Schuester and that wasp nest of curls on his head."_

"You can't do that Sue! It's an invasion of privacy!" Artie cried, grabbing the phone from Finn. He held it between them, letting the sound of Sue's scathing voice fill the air.

_"Please. The only thing Hudson needs to keep private is that he calls his mother way too much. And don't get me started on how often you call those video game hotlines, Wheels."_

Finn's mouth dropped open. He didn't call his mother _that_ much. "Look, Sue, Artie and I are busy. What do you want?"

_"Just thought I'd let you know that it's only 2 months until the season starts. Are you prepared?"_

Sue's casual tone immediately made both Finn and Artie suspicious. "Why do you care?"

_"Can't I just show some friendly concern for my softball comrades?"_

"No," Finn and Artie said simultaneously.

_"You two aren't as stupid as you look then. I do have another reason for calling."_

"Which would be what, Sue?" Artie asked, exchanging a nervous glance with Finn.

_"Just thought you'd like to know that I got my hands on the new schedule."_

"How'd you do that? No one gets the schedule until just before the season. Are you fixing the schedule again?" Finn demanded, remembering when he'd first started at Schuester's. Sue had manipulated the schedule, sending them to Newark, New Jersey for all their games…against a little league team.

_"That was never proved and you know it."_

"It was faxed from a machine in your office," Artie pointed out.

_"I was set-up."_

"You were the person in charge of scheduling."

_"Pure coincidence."_

"You signed off on the schedule changes."

_"Forgery."_

"Sue, give it up. We know that was you," Finn snapped. "Now what do you want? Artie and I are already dealing with one psycho; we don't have time to deal with another."

_"Let me guess. William finally realized how much he resembles a lesbian with that hairstyle and you two are trying to talk him off the ledge?" _

"Sue, seriously, why are you calling?" Finn asked, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration.

_"As I was saying, I took a peek at the schedule and I'm delighted to inform you that your team's first ass kicking of the season, courtesy of one Sue Sylvester, is scheduled for the season opener."_

Finn and Artie exchanged glances. This was _not_ good.

Through means Finn was never quite sure of, Sue had managed to secure a spot in the coveted opening day game every year for as long as Finn had been working at Schuester's. The Opening Day game was quite a big deal. The team who'd won the last year was presented with their official trophy before the game and it was attended by all league officials. In Finn's opinion, it was the equivalent of the NFL teams who were picked to play on Thanksgiving. Schuester's had never been invited to play in the Opening Day game before, so this battle with Sylvester Total Fitness was an even bigger deal than usual.

"Are you serious? We're playing Opening Day?" Finn asked slowly.

_"Despite my vehement protests, the league seems to feel that you losers have made enough progress to warrant an appearance in an Opening Day game against yours truly. Naturally since it is Opening Day, I will be issuing your team even more of an ass kicking than the standard one I usually give. This shall include, but is not limited to, running up the score, taking out the Asian, and a bat to the groin of one Will Schuester."_

"We'll see about that Sue," Finn retorted. "Is there anything else?"

_"Have I insulted William's hair?"_

"Yes," Finn and Artie both replied.

_"Then no. I'll see you on the field in two months. I'll be the one hoisting up that heavy winners trophy."_ She hung up without saying goodbye.

"We've got to come up with a new lineup," Finn stated, staring at Artie. "She's gonna be out for blood. Where's your laptop?"

"Outside in the living room."

"So go get it," Finn replied impatiently, anxious to get started on a new lineup and defensive strategy.

"It's _outside_. Have you forgotten why the three of us are stuck laying on my bed?" Artie pointed out.

Crap. In the excitement of finding out about Opening Day, he'd forgotten about the Devil's Spawn currently lurking outside Artie's bedroom door. "So get a notebook and pen then, man. We gotta map it out."

"That's outside too," Artie replied, nodding towards the door.

"Shit. We need to plan and we're being held hostage by the cat form of Sue," Finn muttered.

Artie cocked his head. "Actually, I haven't heard LT in a while. Do you think he gave up?"

"Doubt it. That thing won't rest till he's scratched his initials on Vlad's face," Finn said darkly, glaring at the door. Artie maneuvered himself off the bed and into his wheelchair, quietly wheeling over to the door.

"No, seriously. I don't hear him scratching or hissing," Artie whispered, his ear pressed to the door.

"Really?" Finn got up, quietly stepping towards the door, silently telling Vlad to wait on the bed. Just like Artie, he pressed his ear to the door.

Nothing.

Slowly, he got down on his hands and knees, looking through the gap between the door and the floor, expecting to see Lord Tubbington's paws or his fat body stretched in front of the door, but to his surprise, he was able to see all the way down the hallway. He stood back up, shrugging. "I don't know, man. Unless he's gone Spiderman and is waiting to ambush us from the ceiling, he's not in the hallway."

"Do you think it's safe to go out there?" Artie asked doubtfully, running his hand over the scratches on his face.

"I don't know, but we're not going out there unarmed," Finn said firmly. "Here."

He grabbed a pair of lightsabers he'd seen propped up next to Artie's dresser and handed him one as he called to Vlad, getting the Chihuahua to jump into Artie's lap. "Power up, Dude. You've gotta protect you and Vlad."

Once he saw Artie's lightsaber start to glow green, he turned his own on, surprised when it started glowing red. "Red? Why the hell do I have the Darth Vader lightsaber? I thought I was totally gonna be Luke Skywalker!"

"I wanted both sides of the battle. Say what you want, but the Force is high in Darth Vader," Artie replied defensively, clutching his Yoda lightsaber to his chest. "I'm currently in a bidding war for a Luke Skywalker lightsaber on Ebay, but it hasn't ended yet."

"Fine. Then I get to be Yoda," Finn declared, wrestling the green lightsaber from Artie and handing him the red one. He placed one hand on the doorknob as Artie rolled backwards to allow the door to open. "You ready?"

"Yeah." Artie clutched his lightsaber tightly, placing it in front of Vlad protectively. The Chihuahua seemed to sense something was about to go down, because he sat up on Artie's lap looking around alertly.

Cautiously, Finn opened the door slightly just enough to stick the lightsaber out the door. He moved it around, figuring Lord Tubbington would attack the lightsaber if he was nearby. Not feeling anything, he opened the door slightly wider and peered out.

Nothing.

He turned back to Artie, walking behind him to push his chair. "Ready, Dude?"

"Ready." Artie gripped the lightsaber even tighter.

"If Lord Tubbington attacks, don't hesitate to summon the Force, Artie."

"Right."

The scratches on his face still stinging, Finn grabbed a hockey goalie mask Artie had gotten autographed by Mike Richter and slipped it on.

"Hey! That's autographed! You can't wear that!" Artie exclaimed, looking up at Finn.

"It's all for the cause, Artie." Finn gripped the handles of Artie's wheelchair tightly. "Rachel will _kill _you if I get injured before the wedding. You really want her _and _Kurt hunting you down because you ruined her wedding pictures?"

Artie paled at the thought. "Well what about me? I'm going to be in your wedding party, I can't have a ruined face."

"True." Finn cast around Artie's room trying to find something to cover Artie's face with. His eyes fell on a George Bush mask Artie had once worn for a Halloween party. He quickly grabbed it and shoved it on Artie's head, ignoring his protests of discomfort.

He glanced down at Artie again, checking to make sure Vlad was secure and rolling his eyes at the sight of George Bush clutching a light saber. At least Luke Skywalker got to head off to battle Darth Vader with C-3P0 and R2D2; he was going to battle with George Bush and a Chihuahua.

Cautiously, the three of them headed out into the hallway, ready to reclaim the apartment from the feline form of Sue Sylvester.

* * *

><p>The ride over to Webster Hall had been a short one, but they made the most of it, singing 80's songs and doing plenty of shots. Rachel's excitement had grown each block the limo drove, barely able to conceal her joy at the idea of going back in time to year 1989 and attending the Wanaget High School Prom.<p>

She'd heard all about the interactive show, how the basic premise was that the cast members, each a typical character from an 80's high school movie, interacted with the audience, campaigning for votes to be Prom King and Queen. Unlike other Broadway shows, the audience was not seated and watching the stage; instead, the audience was treated as if they really were at the prom, dancing the night away while the cast mingled with them.

"Welcome to the Prom! I trust you have no alcohol in that limo. You're all underage, you know," a man with an Indian accident greeted Kurt and the girls as they stumbled out of the limo. He eyed Rachel's veil. "Ah! I have been waiting for you! As principal, it gives me great pleasure to tell you that you young lady, have won a Senior Superlative!"

Rachel squealed with excitement as the 'principal' place a yellow sash bearing the words '_Most likely to get married'_ over her dress. "Thank you so much, Principal…" she trailed off, not knowing the principal's name.

"Figgins. Principal Figgins. You're not drunk, are you young lady? Do I need to call your parents?" he scolded, earning a laugh from the group as Rachel shook her head furiously, which caused her to sway slightly.

"Don't call my fathers!" she giggled. "I need a picture." She shoved her camera at principal, pulling Kurt and Mercedes close to her, gesturing to the rest of the girls. They quickly gathered around Rachel, for what they were sure would be the first of many pictures.

"Very good! That should go in the yearbook!" Principal Figgins announced, handing the camera back to Rachel. "Alright then. Go inside and have fun and don't forget to vote for King and Queen. And stay away from the punch. I hear the football team is going to spike it."

He strode off, greeting the next limo that pulled up, leaving Rachel and company to head inside. A collective gasp was came from the group once they walked into the "gym." Balloons garlands arched across the ceiling while streamers raced from side to side between the garlands. Random clusters of balloons hung down from various spots, their colorful strings hanging cheerfully down over the dance floor. Bleachers rose out from the wall on either side of the dance floor, a large banner above the bleachers proudly declaring "Wanaget High Class of 1989."

"Oh look! There's the Asian Exchange Student!" Brittany cried, pointing to an Asian man wearing a powder blue tuxedo. Rachel joined in her excitement, so glad they'd thought of this for her Bachelorette Party. While she knew Finn would _love_ the classic rock blaring through the gym, he'd hate the idea of the interactive show and especially having to dance all night.

"Ooo! I love this song!" Rachel declared as _Come on Eileen_ began playing. Grabbing Tina and Brittany's hands, she pulled them out onto the dance floor. Laughing, the rest of the group followed, forming a little circle Rachel as she danced_._ Kurt whipped out his camera as the Asian Exchange Student made his way over and joined Rachel, now apparently drunk enough to do the dance routine for _Come on Eileen _from _Just Dance 2._ The Asian Exchange Student seemed familiar with the dance, easily mirroring Rachel's moves.

Rachel however, seemed displeased. "No! You're the _leprechaun_, not the fraulein," she admonished, not pausing her dancing. "I'm _always_ the fraulein, and Finny is the leprechaun. You _can't_ be the fraulein."

"Is that some sort of sick role play they do in the bedroom?" Kurt whispered to Mercedes, who rolled her eyes, watching as a drunk Rachel continued yelling that the Asian Exchange Student needed to be the leprechaun because _she_ was the fraulein.

"She's talking about the characters in the game. The dance for _Come on Eileen_ has two dancers, a Fraulein and a leprechaun. They have slightly different dances to do. Rachel is _always_ the fraulein," Mercedes explained, having been subjected to being the leprechaun on more than one occasion.

Rachel and the Exchange Student continued dancing in the center, to the amusement of those around them, some of whom recognized the dance. Brittany soon joined them, familiar with the game and the dance. To Rachel's frustration, the Exchange Student continued dancing _her_ part, forcing her to give him a hard shove out of her little dance circle and into a crowd of jocks, who promptly began giving him a wedgie. This left her with Brittany, who earned praise from Rachel for dancing the leprechaun part.

Kurt couldn't help but laugh at the all too familiar scene in front of him and wondering what Rachel had been like in high school. The producers of this show had definitely nailed the high school atmosphere. Although having a brother on the football team had shielded him from being tossed in the dumpster and wedgies like the nerds, not even Finn had been able to shield him from being bullied for being gay, although he'd valiantly tried. Finn may have protected him from the antics of the football team, but he'd gotten shoved into more lockers than he could count and seen his fair share of swirlies courtesy of the lacrosse team.

The jock who'd been supervising the wedgie giving, stepped away from his group and towards Rachel just as _Come on Eileen_ mercifully ended.

"Hey, I'm Blake Williams, the captain of the football team, but you probably already knew that." He threw Rachel that award winning smile that seemed to be a requirement to be popular.

Rachel giggled as she exchanged glances with Mercedes. The captain of the football team had certainly never talked to them in their first high school experience. "I'm Rachel and these are my friends," she announced, gesturing drunkenly around her group.

"I couldn't help but notice your technique when you shoved Feung Schway just now. Makes me think you've shoved your fair share of nerds and exchange students, which means you must be popular." Again, the award winning smile was flashed at Rachel.

Rachel continued giggling, unable to think of a witty comeback.

"Well Rachel, I see you won a superlative. I won five, of course." The smile was flashed at Rachel for the third time, making Rachel positive that Best Smile was one of the five. "You new here at Wanaget High?" I've never seen you before and I know everyone. Well, everyone that counts of course."

"We've just moved here," Rachel announced, playing along. "We don't know anyone."

"Really? I'll fill you in then on who's worth knowing." He looped one arm around Rachel and the other around Brittany, leaning in close to the rest of the group as he imparted the wisdom of high school cliques. "Myself, of course, and the Heathers. Stay away from Feung Schway, unless you need your homework done. If you need drugs or cigarettes, go see Nick Fender, he's got it all. And I can't stress this enough. Avoid Louis Fenterspock at all costs, unless you need some lunch money. He's such a loser even the other nerds won't hang out with him."

He snickered as he pointed to the bleachers. Kurt and the girls all followed his finger to see a small group of nerds sitting on the bleachers. Blake turned his attention back to Rachel, his expression thoughtful. "Actually, I haven't seen Louis yet. Hopefully someone shoved him in a locker again."

Blake's eyes lit up when he heard the opening notes of Bon Jovi's "_Living on a Prayer"_ start to play. "Killer! Let's dance! One dance with me and you're _in_. Ever dance with the captain of the football team?" he asked flirtatiously.

"Many times," Rachel replied just as flirtatiously, the alcohol she'd consumed taking over her mind. Actually, she'd done a hell of a lot more than dance with the captain of the football team she was currently living with, but she wasn't about to reveal _that,_ even in her drunken state.

Unfortunately for her, Brittany had no qualms about revealing that. "She's currently fucking the captain of the football team at our old school. They're gonna do it on Kurt's couch."

Blake raised an eyebrow at a horrified Rachel. "That right? You seem like my kind of girl. Let's go."

He pulled both Rachel and Brittany close to him for the duration of the song, switching to dance with Quinn and Tina for _Footloose._

"I dance better than your football player, right?" he asked Rachel as he ground into Tina.

"Oh yeah," she replied, now dancing with Mercedes, Kurt having left to go to the bathroom with Quinn. God knows how much she loved Finn, but the man could _not_ dance.

'So I've got your vote?" he pressed, just as a cheerleader joined their group and pointed at Tina.

"What are you doing?" she screeched. "Why are you dancing with my boyfriend?"

"Relax, Heather. I'm just getting votes." He slipped an arm around Heather, who immediately put on a fake smile.

"Oh! Well vote for me. I'm Heather, head cheerleader. It's only right that I win Prom Queen." She sauntered away, dragging Blake with her.

Rachel exchanged another knowing look with Mercedes, both strongly reminded of the head cheerleader from their own high school, the one who'd been caught by Rachel making out with Jesse. Shrugging, they went back to dancing, the song "_Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" _just beginning to play.

"Come on, Rachel! Let's do the dance!" Brittany cried, already doing the routine from the game.

Laughing, Rachel joined in, hoping Finn and Vlad were having as awesome a time as she was.

* * *

><p>"I don't see him dude," Finn whispered as he kicked open the bathroom door. Lightsabers at the ready, they'd proceeded down the hallway checking room by room, but so far had come up empty. He whirled around, swinging his lightsaber wildly at a noise behind him, only to find that Artie's lightsaber had accidentally hit the toothbrush holder.<p>

"Careful, man! We need to have the element of surprise!" Finn hissed from behind his hockey mask.

"He's not in here," Artie declared, looking around the room. "Vlad would know if he was."

Finn stared at Artie, wondering why he hadn't thought of that before. Vlad was sitting calmly on Artie's lap, watching the proceedings curiously, rather than be standing on all fours with his hair raised and his teeth showing like he did when he saw Santana or Lord Tubbington. "True. Let's check another room."

Artie back out slowly, the George Bush mask blocking his peripheral view. Maybe if he didn't have the mask on, he might have noticed the pair of green eyes stalking them from behind a framed picture of Brittany holding Lord Tubbington on the table in the hallway.

Unlike Artie, Vlad noticed the eyes and he stiffened, standing up just as Lord Tubbington leaped out of his hiding place and attacked, landing easily on Artie's lap and promptly boxing Vlad's face with his paws.

Artie stared down at the dueling animals on his lap in horror, thankful that his face was covered. "Quick! Get some water!" he yelled to Finn, who was still in the bathroom.

Finn quickly filled up the cup on the sink, tossing the water on the blur of animals. With a final swipe at Vlad, Lord Tubbington darted off of Artie's lap, landing a little unsteadily and heading for the living room.

"Retreat!" he cried, grabbing his shaking Chihuahua off of Artie's lap and cuddling him close to his body as he ran back to Artie's room. He waited until Artie was in the room before shutting the door.

"Dude! You _never_ back out of a room. Haven't you learned anything from _Call of Duty_?" Finn cried, lifting his hockey mask and resting it on his forehead, trying to calm Vlad down at the same time.

"How was I supposed to know he'd do a sneak attack? He spends most his time sleeping," Artie defended, pulling his mask off and tossing it on the bed.

"You didn't even use your lightsaber and poor Vlad got his ass kicked _again_!" Finn accused, holding out a bleeding Vlad as he paced.

"It wasn't my fault! I couldn't see! And anyway, you didn't use your lightsaber either!"

"I was getting the water!"

"Only after I told you to," Artie retorted testily.

"Wait." Finn stopped pacing to look at Artie. "Don't you see, man? This is what he wants. He's trying to split us up. We can't let that happen. We need a new plan of attack."

He climbed onto the bed, creating a cocoon of blankets and pillows for Vlad to rest on, placing the little Chihuahua right in the middle. "Vlad stays here from now on," he said determinedly. "We're going in alone."

* * *

><p>This prom was turning out to be even better than her real prom. After Blake had come over, more people started coming up to them and introducing themselves. Despite being shoved by Rachel, Feung Schway had come over and danced the <em>Thriller<em> dance with them, while Jeff "Beef" Beefroski, the Bad Boy, had come over and dirty danced with both Quinn and Rachel, pouring some alcohol down their throats until he was caught and chased away by Mrs. Castle, the Astronomy teacher. Heather #2 had then come over, a snotty cheerleader trying to get votes for Heather #1, the head cheerleader. All they were missing was the nerd and the female exchange student.

"Did you see him?" Kurt called breathlessly, pushing some people out of his way to get back to his girls. "Did you?"

"See who?" Mercedes demanded.

"The nerd!" Quinn cried, coming up just behind Kurt. "He's beyond nerdy. He's got the glasses and pocket protector and Beef, you know the Bad Boy who was dancing with me before, he just tried to shove him into the girl's room, but he got caught by Principal Figgins. He didn't time it right." She laughed snarkily, making Kurt, Mercedes and Rachel look at her sharply.

"I bet you were a cheerleader, weren't you?" Rachel asked suspiciously.

Quinn nodded enthusiastically, confirming what Kurt, Mercedes and Rachel already suspected. "Head cheerleader as a matter of fact."

"Thought so," Rachel replied. "And no, we haven't seen him. You just missed the head cheerleader here yelling at Tina for dancing with her boyfriend."

"There he is!" Kurt cried, pointing to someone nearby. Rachel, Mercedes, Brittany and Tina followed Kurt and Quinn's gaze to see a man who was the true definition of a nerd. His curly brown hair was slicked back and his glasses, which were currently being held above his head by Blake, came complete with a piece of tape across the bridge. His pants were slightly too short, revealing white socks sticking out of his brown shoes. Just as Quinn had described, his pocket protector was prominently sticking out of his white shirt pocket, showcasing his vast array of pens and pencils. A red bow tie completed his look, making him the quintessential 80's nerd.

Rachel, Brittany, Tina and Mercedes burst out laughing as they got a better view when he turned to face them.

"He just needs a sweater vest, right Rachel?" Mercedes asked in between bursts of laughter, immediately stopping when she noticed that Rachel was no longer laughing. Instead, her mouth had dropped open as she continued to stare at the nerd. "Rachel?"

"Mer, look." Rachel gripped Mercedes' arm tightly as she continued to stare.

"What?"

"Look at the nerd," Rachel directed. Mercedes stared, as did Kurt, Quinn, Brittany and Tina, trying to figure out what Rachel was talking about. "Look closely, Mer. Does he remind you of anyone? Anyone you and I went to high school with?"

Mercedes looked closer, recognition finally taking over. "Holy crap! It can't be…"

Rachel nodded miserably. "It is."

"Who is it?" Kurt asked curiously, looking from Rachel to Mercedes, as were Quinn, Brittany and Tina.

"Jesse," Rachel and Mercedes answered simultaneously, neither taking their eyes off the nerd.

"Oh God, he's coming this way!" Without another word, Rachel took off.

"I got this," Mercedes announced. "I was there when this all started."

She took off after Rachel, before the ghosts of high schools past could catch up with her too, leaving Kurt, Brittany, Tina and Quinn standing in the middle of the dance floor.

"Well ladies, looks like we've got a nerd to take care of," Kurt stated, watching as the nerd made his way even closer.

"Leave it to me," Quinn smirked. "I wasn't head cheerleader for nothing."

* * *

><p>"Rachel?" Mercedes called, looking under the stall doors for Rachel's shoes, finally locating them under the last door. "Rachel?" she asked again, knocking on the door.<p>

No answer.

"Rachel, I know you're in there. I saw your shoes."

Rachel still didn't answer, simply picking her feet off the ground.

"Funny. Let me in." She heard the lock slide open and she pushed her way in before Rachel could change her mind. "What is it about this boy that always makes you hide in the bathroom?" she asked, earning a small laugh from Rachel.

Mercedes was amused to see that even in her drunken, upset state, Rachel had still remembered to cover the toilet seat she was currently sitting on with tons of toilet paper.

"I've gone years without seeing him and now I see him twice in one day, Mer!" Rachel replied, her head in her hands.

"Finn told me about lunch. I heard you dumped soda on him?" Mercedes questioned, laughing.

"I did," Rachel admitted.

"You must have felt good."

"I did for a minute, but once I left I realized there was so much I wanted to say to him." She picked her head up for a moment to look at Mercedes.

"Do you want to go home or call Finn?" Mercedes asked.

"No," Rachel said firmly.

"No to what?"

"No to going home and especially no to calling Finn. He'll want to come down here and take care of this and I want to do it. It's my past not his."

"Are you sure?" Mercedes asked doubtfully. She'd been there for Rachel's high school years and Rachel had always been tongue tied around Jesse for some reason. In her opinion, Rachel was better off calling Finn and letting him having a _word_ with Jesse.

"Positive. Let's go, Mer."

Rachel squeezed past Mercedes and out of the stall, some toilet paper stuck to the back of her dress.

"Rachel, wait. If you're going to have a drunken showdown with Jesse, at least make sure you're the one without any toilet paper stuck to you." She plucked the toilet paper off Rachel's dress, who stood there impatiently tapping her foot.

Rachel strode out of the bathroom, ready to face her demons head on.

Or in her case, she had a nerd to take care of.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: I'm splitting this one into two because it was just too long. Part II will be up VERY shortly. The Awesome 80's Prom is hysterical to see in person and I could totally see all of them there. It really is just a massive dance with the cast mingling with the audience. I am NOT a Star Wars Person, so hopefully my characters and terminology are correct!**_

_**Rachel's insistence at being the Fraulein when she dances to Come on Eileen is something from my life (right, Fran?) Like Rachel, I will NOT be the leprechaun. I MUST be the Fraulein LOL.**_


	8. Demons, Part II

_**Disclaimer: Glee doesn't belong to me, nor does The Awesome 80's Prom**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>"You know what? I can get a couple guys to go to his place, knock on the door and - he opens it wham! We junk-punch him in his man business and he'll fall to the floor crying 'why?' and then we'll say 'you know why!' Ha!" <strong>_

_**- What Happens in Vegas**_

* * *

><p>"Are you sure you're ready, dude?"<p>

"Open the door." Artie gripped the lightsaber firmly, ready to do some reconnaissance.

After much discussion and more than a few arguments, they'd agreed that of the three of them, Artie was the least likely to be attacked. The plan was for Artie to go out there, see where Lord Tubbington was and what he was doing, while Finn stayed behind and cleaned up Vlad. Artie would then report back to Finn on Lord Tubbington's whereabouts and they'd form a plan of attack based on Artie's scouting.

Armed with his lightsaber and George Bush mask, he waited for Finn to open the door.

"Remember what we said. Just go about as if you were rolling around the apartment. Act normal and ignore Lord Tubbington."

"Got it. Open the door. Oh, and don't use the toilet in my bathroom. It's broken."

"Good luck, man," Finn said solemnly as he opened the door. "You're gonna need it."

He watched Artie wheel determinedly out of the room before shutting the door behind him. He sat down next to Vlad's cocoon of blankets, pulling the shaking Chihuahua off and holding him up to examine his battle wounds. He gave a low whistle.

Bloodied, Vlad bore several scratches, one of which looked fairly deep across his snout and a chunk of the skin on his tiny nose was missing. Rachel was going to _flip_ when she saw Vlad and then probably flip on _him_, even though this wasn't his fault. It was _totally_ Brittany's for having a cat who could probably kick Mike Tyson's ass in a boxing match. He stood up, heading towards Artie's en suite bathroom, holding Vlad close to his chest. "Let's clean you up, Bud."

He placed Vlad in the sink, noticing for the first time his own battle scars in the mirror above. Thanks to Lord Tubbington, scratches were littered across his cheeks, along with some dried blood. Figuring that his own wounds could wait, he set about tending to Vlad, gently running a damp washcloth over his abrasions, his heart breaking a little when he saw Vlad's bug eyes staring pitifully up at him. "There. That's better little dude, isn't it?"

"_Finn!"_ Frantically, Artie wheeled into the bedroom and towards the bathroom, accidentally slamming his wheelchair into the doorframe in his haste to get to Finn.

"What? What's that thing doing out there, sacrificing a chicken?" Finn asked, picking up Vlad and walking out of the bathroom. He placed Vlad back on his mound of blankets and sat down next to him.

"No. You gotta come see this." He tossed the other lightsaber to Finn. "Power up."

Obediently, Finn powered on his lightsaber, grabbing the goalie mask and placing it back on his head. "What's going on?"

Artie didn't answer, wheeling out of the room. Checking to make sure that Vlad was still on the bed, Finn followed, shutting the door behind him. Lightsaber out in front of him protectively, he crept down the hallway, not sure where Lord Tubbington was currently waiting to attack. He crept up next to Artie, who had stopped at the entrance to the living room. "Where is he?" he whispered, looking around the room, eyeing the cat condo warily.

"There." Artie pointed to the far side of the coffee table. Finn stared at the coffee table, not seeing anything other than a bottle of beer turned on its side, its contents spilled out on the table and floor.

"There where? I don't see anything."

"_There_." Artie's voice had a strange quality to it, but whether it was from being muffled by the George Bush mask or something else, Finn wasn't sure.

Cautiously, Finn maneuvered around Artie's wheelchair to get a better view of the far side of the table. A paw came into view immediately, followed by the rest of Lord Tubbington's immense body. The cat who'd been tormenting the three of them all night was now splayed out on his belly like a beached whale, face down in a puddle of liquid.

"What the hell?" Finn turned back to look at Artie, lowering his lightsaber. "What's that liquid all around him?"

"I think it's my beer." Artie pointed to his abandoned beer bottle, the one Finn had noticed laying on its side. "He must have knocked it over at some point in his quest for total domination."

Finn eyed the cat, who had yet to move or even open his eyes. "Why hasn't he moved? Is he dead?"

Artie grabbed the binoculars he kept on a nearby shelf, focusing them on the still cat through his mask. "He appears to have beer on his face and whiskers. I'd say he drank my beer."

"Whoa. You mean to tell me that that thing is _drunk_? Are you sure he's not just dead?"

"He's laying in the beer."

"So? He might have just died there. We need to confirm this."

"How?"

Finn glanced around the room. "I've got an idea."

* * *

><p>"Here he comes. Watch and learn, ladies," Quinn hissed, rolling her shoulders and preparing to get back into Head Cheerleader Bitch mode. Louis Fenterspock aka Jesse St. James, was slowly heading in their direction, his journey being hampered by jocks trying to give him wedgies.<p>

"What are you going to do?" Kurt asked curiously, never having been on the popular side the teasing.

Quinn grabbed Brittany's frozen Daiquiri from her hands. "Haven't you ever heard of a Slushie Facial?"

Kurt arched an eyebrow. "A _what_?"

"A Slushie Facial. It's when you take a frozen drink and throw it in a nerd's face. We use to do it all the time to the Glee Club, since it doesn't get much nerdier than that."

"I see," Kurt replied, glad he hadn't gone to high school with Quinn, especially since he'd been in the Glee Club in high school. He'd certainly seen his fair share of the inside of a toilet bowl, but he'd _never_ had a frozen drink thrown at his face. Quinn looked positively at home with the drink in her hand, ready to throw.

"It's like being bitch-slapped by an iceberg when the ice shavings hit your face. Plus, it's great because the corn syrup drips down and stings your eyes and then stains your skin the color of the dye." She held up Brittany's drink, eyeing it critically. "This won't be _quite_ the same, but I guess it will have to do."

"Anyone have a cigarette? Figgins confiscated mine," Jeff "Beef" Beefowski, Wanaget High's bad boy, interrupted. The little group turned to stare at him, none of them having noticed him join them, since they were all focused on the impending arrival of the Jesse.

"No, sorry," Quinn replied, turning her attention back to Jesse.

"What are you all looking at?" Beef asked, looking in the same direction as Quinn. "Oh, that loser Louis is finally here. Hey Fenterspock!"

Jesse's head whirled in their direction at the sound of his character's name. "Yes, Jeffrey?" he asked as he came closer.

"Empty your pockets. Figgins took my cigarettes and I need money for more."

"But I already gave you my weekly allowance so you won't beat me up."

"And now I need more so my fist doesn't accidentally hit your face."

"But-"

"No buts. Now give me the money before I feel the need to give you an atomic wedgie," Beef threatened, cracking his knuckles in anticipation.

"Please don't," the nerd replied in a small voice. He quickly handed over his money. Satisfied, Beef walked away, leaving Kurt and the girls with Jesse.

Jesse looked at the group, prepared to continue playing his role. Quinn however, had other ideas.

"Look here, Screech. You and I need to have some words." She stepped closer to Jesse, who seemed surprised by her words for a second before resuming his character.

"Ok, I have my dictionary in my locker. I could get it," Jesse replied. He'd been playing this role for several months and it was one of the more popular roles, thanks to his superior acting skills. The women usually got a kick out of his costume, and it never failed that someone tried to bully him.

They didn't normally look this pissed though. The blonde girl in front of him had a strange look in her eye that made him slightly nervous. His eyes darted around checking to see where the show's security was.

"Are you going to take my lunch money?" he asked, quickly improvising. "Because Beef already took all my money. I can do your math homework if you want."

"Oh, I'm going to do a lot more than take your money," Quinn promised, getting ready to issue her first Slushie Facial since her senior year. Jesse, correctly sensing that he was about to be covered in liquid for the third time that day, instinctively began to back up, only to be blocked by Brittany and Tina.

"Wait, Quinn, let me."

Jesse turned to view the new voice behind him. "_Rachel?"_

* * *

><p>"Are you sure you don't want to do it?"<p>

"No way. This was your idea, and besides, I did the reconnaissance," Artie pointed out.

"It's _your_ girlfriend's cat."

"All the more reason you need to do it. LT is here all the time and he holds a grudge."

"So does Rachel, but I've managed to avoid getting killed by her."

"Only because you're scared of her when she's angry and do whatever it takes to avoid her being angry."

"Fine." Finn grabbed an autographed hockey stick off the wall, standing as far away from Lord Tubbington's prone body as he could. Gingerly, he used the hockey stick to poke Lord Tubbington. Not getting a response, he poked a little harder.

Still no response.

Cautiously, he took a few steps towards Lord Tubbington, making sure his mask was firmly in place. He poked again, still not getting a response. He'd only been (slightly) kidding when he'd said the cat was dead, but now he was starting to seriously worry. Brittany was ridiculously attached to the cat, and he didn't envy Artie having to be the one to break the news to her. He kneeled down next to the cat, placing the hockey stick on the ground and glanced up at Artie.

"_Rowrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"_

Lord Tubbington, most definitely alive, jumped up and attacked Finn, immediately falling backwards upon impact with Finn's body. The cat stood up, shaking his head and stumbling a little as it tried to attack again. Rather than jump at Finn, as he would normally do, Lord Tubbington merely fell onto his side.

"Dude, he's _drunk_!" Finn cried gleefully as Lord Tubbington gave up the idea of attacking, deciding instead to head towards his cat condo. He managed to turn successfully, before promptly crashing into the coffee table and falling over again.

"I told you so," Artie replied smugly. "He must have started drinking the beer after he knocked it over."

Both men watched as Lord Tubbington again attempted to get to his cat condo, stumbling and falling like a drunk human would. His hind legs overcompensated by sticking out at odd angles for his lack of balance, resulting in him marching stiffly, one leg at a time for a few steps before he would invariably drift to the left and fall over.

"This is _awesome_!" Finn whipped out his cell phone, recording the drunken cat's antics.

"Awesome? Brittany's gonna _kill_ me. She just started LT on Atkins again. Beer is off limits!" Artie fretted, just realizing this. "Can cats get hangovers?"

"Dunno, but that'll be hysterical if he does," Finn replied, still filming. He tossed a cat toy at Lord Tubbington, who attempted to bat it out of the air, missed by a mile and fell over, causing Finn to burst into hysterical laughter as he filmed.

"You wouldn't think this was so funny if it was Vlad and Rachel was going to kill you," Artie pointed out.

"True, but it's not Vlad, so therefore it's fucking hysterical," Finn countered, tossing the toy again and laughing as the poor cat fell over again. He put down his cell phone. "You're right. Maybe he should sleep it off. You think he'll let you pick him up?"

"How? I can't pick him up off the floor," Artie stated, pointing out the obvious.

Crap.

Finn sighed as he marched into the kitchen and got out a pair of oven mitts. He slipped them on, making sure his mask was firmly in place before he went near Lord Tubbington, who'd given up on the cat condo and was lying on the floor watching them. Finn circled the couch, deciding it would be best to surprise Lord Tubbington and deposit him in the nearest room.

Quickly, before Lord Tubbington could react in his impaired state, Finn scooped him up, holding him as far from his body as he could. The angry cat squirmed and writhed in his arms, hissing and scratching whatever he could. Finn raced into the nearest room, which happened to be the bathroom, depositing Lord Tubbington on the floor and backing out as fast as he could, shutting the door behind him.

"Yes! The apartment is ours again, man!" Finn announced; high fiving Artie. "Go get some beers and a biscuit for Vlad. I'll find a game on TV and get Vlad out here. The night is young and I feel like celebrating."

"Well don't do too much celebrating because there's one flaw in your plan."

Artie's announcement stopped Finn in his tracks as he headed to free Vlad. "What flaw? The cat is locked away. Unless Brittany has trained him to open doors, we're golden."

"You locked him in the _bathroom_."

"So?"

"Remember what I told you before? About the toilet? You've just locked LT in with the only working toilet in this apartment. You need to use the can, you've got to go to the deli on the corner."

_Crap_. His statement from earlier in the night still stood.

This night _totally_ blows.

* * *

><p>"Yes, Jesse it's me again." Her voice was hard as she stared at him. "I thought you were the star of a big Broadway play? Isn't that what you told me and Finn?"<p>

Jesse didn't answer, staring at Mercedes. "Do I know you?"

Mercedes glared at him. "Oh, you know me as the girl who's about to beat your sorry ass for what you did to Rachel in high school."

Jesse's eyes widened. "I remember you. You're the girl who used to sing Aretha Franklin for every audition for the school play."

Mercedes clenched her fist. "And just like Aretha said, _Ain't no way_ I'm going to let you get away with this."

"Get away from what? What the hell is going on?" Jesse asked. "What did I do to Rachel in high school that was so bad?"

"Are you serious? You-" Mercedes began.

"No, Mercedes, let me." Rachel's voice had a steely quality to it that made Kurt take a step backwards. He certainly didn't envy Finn having to deal with _that _voice.

Rachel took a step towards Jesse, the irony of the situation coming full circle not lost on her. "This started in high school and now it's going to end in high school. You want to know what you did that was so bad? Where should I start? How about the fact that you used me a personal assistant?"

Jesse arched an eyebrow. "Used you? I don't think so. You _wanted_ to do those things for me. You were so happy that someone as popular as me was showing you attention, since you clearly weren't getting it from any other boys, not even the chess club."

"No, what I _wanted_ was a relationship. I was happy to do those things for you because I thought we were a couple and that's what couples do. You _knew_ the extent of my feelings for you and you used them to get what you wanted."

"I..."

"I'm not finished yet," Rachel snapped. "How dare you prey on someone like that? Do you know what it did to me? Not that you care, but the humiliation of getting dumped so publicly, if you could even call it that, sent me into a funk for _years_. Because of you and your _why would i date you when there are so many hotter girls_ comment, I never dated again until two years ago. You _destroyed_ me."

"I'm flattered that my reputation as a heartbreaker was maintained, but I didn't destroy you. You knew we weren't dating, you just didn't want to admit it, because you _liked_ thinking that you were dating someone popular, instead of spending your Friday nights with _her." _He pointed to Mercedes, not remembering her name.

Mercedes glared and clenched her fists again, ready to step into the fray. "Look here, White Boy..."

Rachel placed a hand on her friend to stop her. "You would think that Jesse, but at least I had friends, something you never did. Oh, look at that, you were just being used for your house parties."

"Keep thinking that, Rachel," Jesse replied smirking. "My parties were _legendary_, not that you would know. I got more action at those parties in one month than I did in one semester of college. High school girls are so easy and willing, but then I guess I don't need to tell you that."

"No, you don't," Rachel said calmly. "Just like I don't need to tell you that in my experience, high school boys don't last longer than thirty seconds."

Jesse's eyes flashed with anger as he struggled to think of a retort. Kurt, getting increasingly nervous, opened his authentic, vintage 80's fanny pack and pulled out a can of equally vintage Aquanet and sprayed his hair, not knowing what else to do.

"Oh, are you upset, Jesse? You know, when I was upset, my fathers would always bring me a glass of water. Would you like a drink?" Rachel asked with mock sympathy.

Without waiting for an answer, she gestured to Quinn, who promptly gave Jesse his first Slushie Facial.

Shocked, Jesse removed his glasses, attempting to wipe the dripping alcohol and frozen goo off of his face. Rachel grabbed Kurt's can of Aquanet and sprayed Jesse right in his face, making the frozen drink even stickier.

"Rachel!" Jesse sputtered, waving his hand in the air towards security.

"Oh, sorry, did I ruin your costume? Maybe you could find a girl to go to the dry cleaners for you," Rachel snapped.

"Is there a problem here?"

All heads turned at the new voice to see security surrounding the little group.

"Dennis, I demand they be tossed out of here. They threw a drink in my face and sprayed me with hairspray," Jesse directed, pointing to Quinn and Rachel.

"That so? I'm afraid you'll need to leave then," the guard named Dennis announced.

"I saw the whole thing, Dennis. They were just reacting to what Jesse improvised," the actor playing Blake said smoothly, winking at Rachel.

"Really?" Dennis asked, looking from Blake to a sputtering Jesse skeptically.

"Yeah, I'd say these two ladies have a future in acting, right ladies?" He placed an arm around both Quinn and Rachel. "Now Dennis, if everything is settled, I'm gonna bring these ladies on stage to dance, ok?"

Dennis, not a fan of Jesse and his attitude, simply nodded. "Ladies, don't get carried away like that again." Giving them one last look, he disappeared into the crowd.

"Good bye Jesse," Rachel said coldly. Quickly, before Jesse could say or do anything, Blake led the group away, heading for the stage.

"Thank you. You didn't have to do that," Rachel insisted.

"Not a problem. Jesse's a douche. We're all counting down the days until his contract is up. He's constantly reminding everyone that he went to UCLA for a semester and giving critiscism. Trust me, everyone's _thrilled_ you did that."

Rachel smiled. This night just got a whole lot well..._awesomer._

* * *

><p><em>"<em>Rach, baby, we're home!" Finn called, as he opened the door. As promised, he'd stayed out of the apartment until 12 noon. The fact that he'd been sitting out in the hallway since 11:45 had nothing to do with the fact that he was walking into the apartment at exactly 12:01.

Sitting outside in the hallway was a welcome change from Artie's, and if he could have, he'd have sat there for hours. Apparently, cats _can_ get hangovers, if the amount of puking Lord Tubbington had done since last night was any indication.

Once they'd locked Lord Tubbington in the bathroom, they'd had a great night, watching TV and drinking beer, making the occasional run down to the deli on the corner (although Finn used the side of the building a few times, something he was _not_ planning on telling Rachel). Lord Tubbington seemed to be sleeping off his alcohol, since they'd heard no sounds coming from the bathroom.

All was well until they'd heard a gagging sound coming from the bathroom. Assuming Lord Tubbington was coughing up a hairball, they'd ignored it and went back to their game. Only the fact that the gagging noise kept being heard made them don their helmets and lightsabers and investigate.

They'd _very _cautiously opened the bathroom door to find a very awake, very angry Lord Tubbington sitting on the sink counter, presiding over what could only be described as a crime scene. The amount of vomit on the floor was enough to equate it to the blood of a crime scene.

Lord Tubbington swished his tail at them once, and then promptly puked in Artie's sink, before drunkenly jumping off and heading out into the hallway to attack Vlad again, whom he also puked all over.

After a heated discussion about what to do, it was decided to bring Lord Tubbington to the vet. Like Vlad, Lord Tubbington didn't seem to be a fan of either the vet or his carrier, because he evaded capture for a while, putting up a valiant fight, puking on both Finn and Artie before they got him in the the carrier, which he also threw up in.

Covered in puke, the four of them got to the animal hospital, where they sat for another three hours. Despite the fact that Vlad looked like he'd been in a dogfight, Lord Tubbington hadn't stopped puking and both Finn and Artie were covered in scratches and puke, they weren't deemed an emergency and had to wait until they were called.

Once they were finally called, they waited another half an hour in the room, all four of them tired and cranky. The vet took one look at Lord Tubbington and Vlad and demanded to know what Finn and Artie were doing with these animals, ready to report them for animal cruelty.

Horrified that they'd ever be accused of such a thing, they quickly told the vet the entire story, even adding the part about the lightsabers and Penispalooza going on at Finn's. Luckily the vet believed them and set about tending to the animals.

By the time they'd gotten back to Artie's, armed with medication for both Lord Tubbington and Vlad and still covered in puke, the sun was almost up. Lord Tubbington had finally stopped puking and had fallen asleep in his carrier, so they'd happily left him in there, while they set to work depuking the bathroom before they went to sleep.

Vlad, exhausted from his night of fighting, fell asleep on Artie's guest bed immediately, but Finn, no longer used to sleeping alone, thrashed about, counting down the hours until he could go home and sleep in his own comfy bed, with Rachel hogging the blankets next to him. His thoughts kept wandering back to Jesse. Rachel may say she's fine, but he knew her, and he knew that she'd be kicking herself for not saying what she wanted when she had the chance. He struggled with deciding what to do, wondering if he'd been right to promise Rachel that he'd let her handle it.

Lord Tubbington was back to his normal evil self the next morning, albeit still hungover, although he still managed to attack Vlad when he and Finn came in from their morning walk. Not sorry when the clock hit 11:30AM, Finn and Vlad hightailed it out of Artie's apartment, heading for the safety of home, hoping Rachel would minister to their wounds.

Hence, the reason for sitting outside the door anxiously counting down until 12:01.

The apartment was silent as they walked in. He didn't see anyone in the disaster area that was the living room, so he headed for the bedroom, Vlad securely in his arms.

Kurt was lying in the middle of his bed, surrounded by a harem of girls. Finn got an irrational surge of jealousy at seeing Rachel on her side of the bed, her arms flung out over Kurt, who she was using as a pillow. All six of them were sound asleep, bodies draped across each other in what Finn could only assume were not very comfortable positions to sleep in.

He turned to go, figuring they were as hung over as Lord Tubbington and wanting to let them sleep it off. Vlad had no qualms about waking them, since he let out an excited yip at the sight of Rachel sleeping on the bed, wiggling out of Finn's arms and jumping onto the bed. He climbed onto Kurt's chest, yipping at Rachel until she stirred.

"Finn?" Rachel asked groggily as she extracted herself from Kurt and attempted to sit up. The pounding in head increased as she sat up, causing her to put her hands on her head.

"Shh, baby, go back to bed. Vlad and I will make you guys some breakfast." He tiptoed out, a wiggling Vlad in his arms.

He placed Vlad on the kitchen floor as he reached into the refrigerator for the eggs, smiling when he felt a familiar pair of arms wrap around his waist. He turned, placing his own arms around his wife to be. "Did you have fun?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"Good, because I'm never having a sleepover at Artie's again."

Glancing up at him curiously, Rachel extracted herself from Finn, settling down on a stool and filling him in on the events of the night as he made breakfast for everyone.

"Wait. _Jesse_ was there?" Finn asked once she got to that part of the story, stopping what he was doing to stare at her. Why hadn't Rachel or even Kurt called him? He would have gladly crashed the prom to let Jesse have a word with his fists for ruining Rachel's night.

"Yeah. I owe Kurt a can of Aquanet because I used it to spray in Jesse's face after I told him exactly what he did to me," Rachel announced proudly, more than happy to buy Kurt a can of hairspray if that was the price for telling Jesse off.

"You told him off?" Finn repeated, pausing his egg scrambling to look at Rachel. He grabbed Rachel off the stool, picking her up and hugging her tightly before replacing her on the stool.

"Yes, and the best part was was that he tried to get us kicked out and the other actors lied and sided with us because they hate Jesse so much!" Rachel explained, laughing until she realized that laughing made her head hurt more. "After the prom, we came back here and drank some more while doing karaoke. Oh, and Kurt is now aware that you want to have sex on his couch and is on guard."

Crap. He'd been eyeing that couch for a while.

Dumping the eggs into a bowl, Finn leaned his hands on Rachel's knees, leaning foward and looking at her face. "So I guess you really put Jesse in his place, huh? I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you."

"I wanted to do it on my own, Finn, but thank you." She pulled his face towards hers, kissing him for the first time since he'd been home. Her hands ran over his cheeks, feeling the scratches Lord Tubbington had left. "Baby, why is your face scratched up? Did you and Artie have a fight?"

"Not exactly."

"Then what happened? Your face is covered in scratches."

Finn rubbed the back of his neck, unsure of where to begin. "Uh...Lord Tubbington's an angry drunk."

"_What?"_

He turned his head to look down at Vlad, who'd just wandered in, picking him up and allowing Rachel to see the damage Lord Tubbington had inflicted on both of them. Rachel immediately went into concerned mother mode, leading them over to the couch and placing Finn's head on her lap and Vlad on Finn's stomach, stroking each of them as she listened to the story, only laughing when she finally saw the video of a drunk Lord Tubbington stumbling around.

Their laughter woke everyone else up. Brittany immediately left to check on Lord Tubbington, but everyone else lounged around, eating breakfast and discussing the events of last night.

"You two are unbelievable," Kurt commented dryly, his hair sticking up in a thousand directions.

"Why's that?" Rachel asked, looking up from Finn's head in her lap, where she'd been applying a salve to his scratches. Vlad had already been tended to with the medicine from the vet and was now taking a well deserved nap in his castle.

"You two are so in sync that you pick the same night to battle demons. It's kind of impressive."

Finn and Rachel both laughed. "I guess so."

"Since you're impressed, does this mean we can have sex on your couch?" Finn asked hopefully, earning snickers from the rest of the group and a slap on the chest from Rachel.

Kurt arched an eyebrow as best he could in his hungover state. "You have a better chance of getting me to dump Blaine for a woman."

Crap. That would have made his night from hell almost worth it.

_Almost._

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: "It's like getting bitch slapped by an iceberg" is Chris Colfer's quote about what it feels like to have a slushie thrown in your face. I always thought it was hysterical, so I had to work it in there._**


	9. Paintball Therapy

_**Disclaimer: Glee is not mine**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight - if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'" <strong>_

_**-Elayne Boosler**_

* * *

><p>"Shoot dude! Now!"<p>

Finn did as instructed, easily eliminating the Russian soldier on the screen, earning a high five from Puck.

"I brought you guys more beer," Quinn announced as she walked in from Puck's kitchen, beers in hand.

"Awesome Q." Puck grabbed a beer out of her hand, tossing it to Finn while simultaneously shifting over on the couch to allow Quinn to sit next to him. His attention immediately went back to the game, focusing on the war he and Finn were currently engaging in.

"Are you two trying to shoot each other?" Quinn asked, trying to figure out what was going on on the screen.

"Fuck no. Otherwise Hudson would be lying on the ground. We're soldiers trying to take out the fucking Communists. Grenade, now!" Puck explained, issuing a directive to Finn at the same time.

"Oh. Can I try?"

Puck paused the game upon hearing Quinn's announcement. Both he and Finn turned to look at her, not bothering to hide the expression of surprise written on both their faces.

"You want to play?" Finn asked stupidly. Rachel wouldn't even _watch_ the violent game, let alone play it.

"Course she does. My girl's fucking badass, like me," Puck boasted, recovering from his shock and leaning back to put his arm around Quinn. He smirked, unable to resist getting in a shot at Rachel. "Unlike Berry who'd marry a fucking rulebook if she could."

"Hey, hey," Finn warned good-naturedly, pointing his controller at Puck. "Leave Rachel out of this."

"Where is Berry anyway?" Puck asked taking a slug of his beer and letting out a satisfying belch. Finn couldn't help but glance at Quinn to see her reaction to the burp, but she simply rolled her eyes. Despite himself, he was impressed at her reaction. Rachel would have rolled her eyes also, but added a "_Finn!" _and a slap to the chest.

"She's out with Mercedes and my brother, shopping for the trip yet again," Finn explained, rolling _his_ eyes. He didn't mind her shopping with Kurt, especially since it meant he didn't have to go, but she never bought anything good.

Like lingerie.

"Oh! I really need to get started on that, too! Did you put in your vacation schedule to Will, Finn? I just gave mine to him yesterday," Quinn asked. "I haven't been on a cruise in years!"

"Yeah. I gave it to him last week…" he trailed off as he took in Quinn's words. He glanced at Puck who was too busy staring at Quinn to notice.

Quinn was coming on vacation with Puck.

Puck was coming on vacation with him.

He was going on vacation with Rachel.

The same Rachel who hated Quinn.

"I didn't know you were coming," Finn ventured cautiously, wanting to get all the facts.

"Yeah, Puck asked me the other day!" Quinn announced, leaning into Puck happily. "That's why I need to get shopping. It's coming up quickly."

"That's awesome, Quinn!" Finn replied, fisting pumping Puck. She could be bitchy sometimes, but since she was no longer around Santana, she'd gotten less frosty. He had no problems with Quinn coming, but he knew someone who would.

Scratch that. He _was_ going on vacation with Rachel. Now he wasn't going to get to go because Rachel was going to _kill _him when she found out.

"Fucking awesome, you mean," Puck corrected as he handed Quinn his controller, quickly explaining what the buttons did and what she'd be doing during the game. "Follow Finn and don't shoot him."

"Ready, Quinn?" Finn asked, unpausing the game once Quinn nodded. Finn's avatar led the way, checking for the enemy and ducking when he needed to, while Quinn attempted to follow behind.

"Grenade, woman! Use the grenade, now!" Puck cried. "You're gonna get fucking ambushed in a second! Grenade! Grenade!"

Quinn tried valiantly to toss the grenade when Puck directed, but in her haste to press buttons ended up putting the gun in her avatar's hands down on the ground instead, which resulted in her being ambushed and shot.

She frowned, trying to figure out what wrong. "What happened?"

"You're fucking dead, that's what happened. You need to press this button for the grenade," Puck explained, pointing the button out. "Try it again."

She tried a few more times, managing to actually shoot (and miss) at a soldier before handing the controller back to Puck. "I'm done. I can't shoot anything."

"It's easy, watch." Puck took the controller from her, quickly aiming for Finn's character, who was standing idly on the screen while his real life counterpart drank some beer. He fired several shots, easily causing Finn's avatar to drop to the floor.

"Hey! What the hell!" Finn cried, putting his beer down in disgust and grabbing his controller. "You shot me!"

"Sorry, bro. Had to be done so Q could see how fucking easy it is."

"I think I'll leave it up to you two," Quinn announced, settling back against the couch. "So who else is coming on the cruise, girl wise?"

"Why? You looking to get someone to join us in the bedroom?" Puck asked, restarting the game so Finn's character could come back to life.

Quinn rolled her eyes and slapped Puck's chest. "Don't be gross."

"The fuck does it matter for anyway? It's not like I'm letting you out of the bedroom anyway." He cocked an eyebrow at Quinn, seduction written all over his face.

Quinn smacked him again, turning her attention to Finn. "Finn?"

"Well, Rachel obviously, Mercedes, their friend Tina, who's dating Mike, and I think that's it. Oh, and I'm sure my brother Kurt will be hanging out with the girls," Finn replied, ticking the names off on his fingers. "Artie's coming, but he just started dating Brittany, so he didn't ask her."

"Oh, Mercedes was here one day and Tina I met when she came with Mike to that conference he and I went to in Florida, but I've never actually met Rachel," Quinn said thoughtfully. "Well, other than that one time at her office, but that doesn't really count."

"Why don't we fucking double tomorrow night?" Puck asked. "The girls can talk tampons and leave us the fuck alone to watch the game."

"I'll make dinner," Quinn offered, ignoring Puck's comment.

"Tell Berry to get fucking her ass over here at seven o'clock tomorrow night," Puck decided. "And remind her that this is an animal sweater free zone."

"Sound great," Finn said with an enthusiasm that he certainly didn't feel. He eyed Puck's spare bedroom, wondering if Puck would notice if he didn't go home.

Just like his avatar on the screen, he was _so _dead.

* * *

><p>"I won't do it."<p>

Placing her toothbrush in her mouth, a steely eyed Rachel stared at her boyfriend's reflection in the mirror.

He'd waited as long as he could before telling her, letting her happily describe her shopping excursion with Kurt and Mercedes in excruciating detail, right down to the comments that had accompanied each outfit all _three_ of them had tried on and exactly why the outfit was summarily rejected, accepted or deemed worthy of further consideration on a second trip. It wasn't until she'd mentioned going shopping again tomorrow that he'd brought up Puck's plan.

She'd reacted as he'd expected, furious at the idea of spending time with Quinn and declaring she refused to eat with her. Finn had tried every tactic he could to get her to agree, and he mentally cursed Leroy in his head, knowing the stubborn streak came from him. He couldn't do what Rachel always did, which was withhold sex, since that was more of a punishment for _him, _so he was reduced to begging, trying to get her to see reason.

"Come on, baby. Do it for Puck," Finn pleaded, placing his own toothbrush in his mouth and staring back at Rachel as he began brushing. They brushed in silence for a moment, having a silent battle of wills in the mirror.

"No." Rachel spat out her toothpaste in the sink and quickly moved her head to allow Finn to do the same, a routine they'd perfected over the months, ever since the time Finn had accidently spit on the back of Rachel's head when she hadn't moved out of the way quickly enough.

"Think how happy he's been," Finn urged, wiping his mouth with a towel and handing Rachel the mouthwash.

"I don't care. I won't do it." She poured two cupfuls of mouthwash, handing one to Finn, who never failed to marvel at the little paper cups. Before Rachel, he would have just drunk the mouthwash right out of the bottle, something Rachel quickly put a stop to with the introduction of what she called bath cups.

He gargled for a moment before spitting out, this time before Rachel. "Fine. Even though Puck went out of his way to get _us_ back together because he wanted to make sure _you_ were happy, I'll just tell him that you don't care about _his_ happiness."

Rachel glared at him while she gargled, unable to answer until she spit out her mouthwash. "Of course I care about his happiness."

"I don't think you do." He wiped his mouth on the towel again, hanging it back up the way he knew Rachel liked.

"Don't be stupid. You know I care." She squeezed a small amount of moisturizer on her face, rubbing it in vigorously as she stared at Finn in the mirror.

"I know that if you cared, you'd go." He watched her in mirror for a moment as he moved his head from side to side, wondering if he shaved now if he'd still have to do it in the morning.

"I can't." She finished moisturizing and headed out of the bathroom, stomping over to the bed and pulling the decorative pillows off. Finn followed, watching as she placed the pillows on a chair and climbed in. She reached for the remote, flipping through the channels until she found _Late Night with David Letterman._

"Come on, I got over it." He pulled back the covers on his side of the bed, waiting until Vlad had scrambled down to the foot of the bed to get in.

"No." Rachel's attention was fixed on the TV, watching David Letterman give his opening monologue, pointedly ignoring Finn.

"Fine. Stay home. I'll go without you." He shrugged, his own gaze stuck on the TV.

"You wouldn't." Rachel muted the TV to stare at Finn.

"Try me." Knowing he'd made some progress, he lay down, pulling the covers up around him as he turned his back on Rachel. He could hear her huff in indignation next to him and knew without looking that her arms were crossed over her chest.

"If this was so important to him, why didn't he ask me himself instead of getting you to do it?"

Finn turned over to look at her, smirking when he saw that she was in fact propped up against the headboard, her arms over her chest. "Because believe it or not, not everything is about you. This is about Puck and Quinn. She was there hanging out with me and Puck today while we played COD and I was fine with it. Like it or not, she's coming on the cruise with our group, so you'd better learn to get along with her and having one dinner with her would be a good place to start." He turned back onto his side facing away from her, waiting to see if his words had any effect.

They must have, because he felt her shift on the bed until she was pressed up against his back, her chin propped up on his shoulder and her arms snaking around his chest. "He really seems happy with her?"

He turned his head to look at her. "Yup. He's somehow managed to get the stick out of her ass and make her human. She was sitting on the couch next to him while he taught her how to play. _She's_ willing to play COD," he added slyly.

"Maybe you should date her instead, if she's so great," Rachel muttered, annoyed by the fact that Finn didn't seem to share the same viewpoint about one of their mutual arch-enemies anymore.

"She is pretty hot," Finn replied jokingly, shifting onto his back and expecting Rachel to snuggle into him. He picked his head up, surprised when she didn't.

Instead, she sat up, a weird look in her eye. "You think Quinn Fabray is hot?"

"Huh?"

"You just said she is pretty hot." Rachel crossed her arms again, waiting for his answer.

"So? I was joking." He sat up, leaning against the headboard.

"There's truth to that joke," Rachel insisted. "Do you really think she's hot?"

Finn stared at her, unsure of how to answer the question without getting sent to sleep on the couch. "Stop trying to change the subject."

"How is this changing the subject? We were talking about Quinn, were we not?"

"Oh, please Rachel. I'm not falling for it. You're trying to get me to admit that I think Quinn is hot so that you have yet another reason to hate Quinn and not go to Puck's tomorrow and then I'll end up sleeping on the couch." He stared at her before lying back down and turning away from her again, mentally counting the seconds before Rachel pressed up against his back.

He managed to count to 10 before he felt her resume the same position she'd been in before. "You're _sure_ he's into her? Noah likes to hump and dump."

"Trust me. He's into her." He shifted onto his back again, relieved that this time she snuggled into him.

"Fine. I'll go, but we leave immediately after dinner," Rachel negotiated against his chest.

"Dinner _and_ dessert."

"Does that include coffee?" Rachel asked, picking her head up to look at him.

"Yes."

Rachel bit her lip. "I'll give you dessert, but we arrive _just_ before dinner."

"Dinner, dessert, _and _we arrive on time, but I promise not to play or talk about COD. That's my final offer," Finn challenged. "Deal?"

"Hmm..." Rachel stared at him, wondering if she could negotiate further for a second before deciding against it. "Deal."

"Seal the deal with a kiss?" he offered, pleased when she smiled and leaned over to place her lips on his. "You kissed me, no going back on it."

"I'm not. What time do we have to be there?" She placed her head back on his shoulder, her fingers tracing the contours of his chest.

"I'm supposed to –and this is a direct quote- _tell Berry to get her fucking ass over here at seven o'clock_."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "That sounds like Noah. Anything else?"

"Yeah. He said to tell you that his apartment is an animal sweater free zone. Ow! Why are you hitting me? He said it, I didn't," Finn defended, rubbing his chest where Rachel had just smacked it.

"Just for that, I'm wearing one _and _I'm bringing him some homemade potpourri for his bathroom," Rachel decided, moving his hand to kiss the spot on his chest where she'd smacked him. "His bathroom smells like a locker room anyway, so it'll kill two birds with one stone. It'll annoy him and not make me feel like I need a gas mask to use the toilet."

Finn let out a laugh as he leaned over and turned out the light. If anything, tomorrow promised to be entertaining.

* * *

><p>"Ready, babe?" Finn asked as he knocked on Puck's door. "Be nice."<p>

"I resent the implication that I'm not always nice," Rachel huffed as the door opened to reveal Puck.

"S'up Finn," he greeted, stepping aside to let them in before fist bumping Finn. He turned his attention to Rachel, doing a double take at what she was wearing _and_ holding. "The fuck you wearing, Berry?"

True to her word, Rachel had managed to find something to wear with an animal on it. It wasn't a sweater, since it was early August, but she'd managed to find a grey t-shirt with an enormous sheep on it, which she'd paired with a black skirt. "Do you like it, Noah? I'm planning on wearing it on the cruise too. And this is for you; I made you some homemade potpourri." She shook the bag enticingly in front of him, knowing the smell was going to seep out and infuriate him.

Puck glanced at Finn who simply held up his hands as if to say _leave me out of this._ He glanced back at Rachel just in time to see her placing the tote bag on her shoulder on the floor and unzipping it. "Whoa! Why the fuck did you bring the Mexican Rat?"

"Noah! Don't talk about Vlad like that," Rachel admonished as she picked Vlad up out of the bag and cuddled him to her chest. She fixed an expression of innocence on her face. "Naturally, when Finn told me about dinner, I assumed Vlad was invited too."

Noah eyed Vlad suspiciously. "Tell him to stay the fuck away from my underwear."

Finn snorted, remembering all too well what had happened last time Vlad was here, earning a glare from Rachel.

"I assure you, your disgusting underwear is of no interest to him. Vlad prefers more stimulating toys, although that reminds me." She handed Vlad to Finn and shuffled through her massive purse. She quickly pulled a large Ziploc bag out of it by her fingertips and held it up so that Noah could see that it contained the pair of underwear that Vlad had refused to part with the night he was here with him and Quinn. "Here."

She thrust the Ziploc bag of underwear into his hands, glad to finally be rid of it. The underwear had been a source of contention between Rachel and Finn for several weeks, since Finn refused to bring it with him each time he went over to Puck's, citing the fact that unlike Rachel, he didn't have a purse to disguise what he was carrying and Puck hadn't been over to their apartment recently to take it himself.

"I'm surprised you're parting with this bad boy so easily Berry. It's the closest you're ever going to get to the underwear of a true Sex God," Noah taunted, holding the bag in front of Rachel's face as payback for the fucking potpourri. She knew how he felt about that shit.

"Where's Quinn?" Finn asked, hoping to stop the squabble he'd known was going to happen as soon as he'd realized Rachel was planning on bringing Vlad to Puck's.

"She'll be here in a few minutes. She called to ask if I had a fucking tureen. The fuck's a tureen?"

"It's like a large covered bowl with handles for soup. The cover has a hole for the ladle to stick out," Finn explained, without thinking about _who_ he was explaining it to.

Puck quirked an eyebrow. "Thank fuck you brought Martha Stewart here, Berry. Q went home to get her tureen, but when she comes back maybe she and Martha could exchange recipes."

"Shove it, Puckerman. You try living with Kurt all those years and not know what a tureen is." Finn placed Vlad down on the floor, hoping the dog would explore and come back with something even more embarrassing than last time. He figured he had a good shot, since Puck hadn't known Vlad was coming over and most likely hadn't cleaned his room. Vlad took off, his nose close to the ground, heading in the direction of Puck's bedroom.

"Want some wine, Berry?" Puck called over his shoulder as he headed toward the kitchen.

"_You_ have wine? I didn't think you know what it was," Rachel commented, taking a seat on the couch. Finn sat next to her, keeping an eye out for Vlad.

"Yeah, well Quinn likes it and it gets her in the mood, so I keep a bottle around," Noah explained as he came back in, a glass of wine in one hand and two bottles of beer in the other. He handed the wine to Rachel and tossed a beer to Finn. "Brought you a beer, Martha."

Damn Kurt and his love of fine china.

He was about to retort, but was distracted by the sound of the door opening and footsteps coming their way. "Puck? I'm back!"

Rachel watched curiously as Noah immediately jumped up and headed towards the voice. The wine had surprised her, but his reaction upon seeing Quinn coming into the apartment had surprised her even more. She'd _never_ seen Noah drop everything to help a girl. He'd always had more of a _not gonna help unless I'm guaranteed sex _attitude, but he'd hurried over just at the sound of her voice. Clearly, she needed to watch further, because Quinn was evil and definitely up to something.

Vlad came skidding out of nowhere, also heading towards the new voice. Noah got there first, taking the tureen from Quinn and a bite to the pants leg from Vlad when he leaned in to try and kiss Quinn. He shook his leg, trying to get Vlad to unattach himself from his pants, but the little Chihuahua only growled and hung on harder. "Berry! Get your fucking rat off of me!"

"He's _not_ a rat, Noah. Vlad happens to be a short haired Chihuahua," Rachel scolded as Finn went over to rescue Puck.

"Whatever. Just get him the fuck off. I'm not ruining _another_ pair of pants because of _your_ dog." He shook his leg again, making it harder for Finn to get Vlad off.

"Hold still dude, he's clamped on there pretty tight," Finn instructed, waiting until Puck stilled his leg before gently prying Vlad's little mouth off and holding him against his chest. He stood up, noticing Quinn trying not to laugh behind Puck. "Hey Quinn."

"Finn."

Rachel silently seethed from the couch as Finn greeted Quinn. His refusal to answer her question last night had cemented in her mind that Finn thought Quinn was hot. Quinn, with her blond hair, tall model body and stupid rhyming name was talking to _her_ boyfriend and if that wasn't bad enough, now she was coming on vacation with them. She stood up and made her way over to Finn, slipping her arm around his waist and right into his back pocket, giving his butt a squeeze.

Finn glanced down at her curiously, wondering what she was up to. He cleared his throat. "Uh, Quinn, this is my girlfriend, Rachel. Rachel, Quinn."

"Hello Quinn," Rachel said coolly, staring at Quinn as she wrapped her other arm around Finn tightly.

"Rachel, it's so nice to finally meet you. I've heard so much about you from Puck and Finn," Quinn said, tentatively smiling at Rachel.

"I'm sorry I can't say the same. _My_ _boyfriend_ talks about so many people it's hard to keep track," Rachel replied.

Finn, who now knew exactly what Rachel was up to with both the comments and the PDA, attempted to diffuse the situation. "Yeah, so why don't we head into the living room and finish our drinks?"

"We'll meet you in there; we're just going to put this in the kitchen," Puck replied, the arm he slipped around Quinn not going unnoticed by Rachel.

Finn removed himself from Rachel's grasp, placed Vlad on the ground and steered Rachel towards the couch. "Knock it off," he hissed as he pushed her onto the couch and sat next to her. Vlad didn't join them, heading off towards the bedroom again.

"I don't know what you're talking about. You told me to be cordial to Quinn and I was," Rachel replied, brushing some dog hair off her skirt.

"You could be a lot nicer than that."

"I was perfectly nice."

"Yeah, you were perfectly nice in the same way that Kurt's nice to people who wear knockoffs," Finn pointed out.

She grinned at his answer, leaning over to kiss him. Quinn and Noah, his _Embarrass Rachel_ _Radar_ fine tuned, walked in just as she'd slipped her tongue into Finn's mouth.

"God, Berry, that should really be a picture of a rabbit on the front of your shirt instead of a sheep, since you two go at like rabbits." He grinned at the glare Rachel gave him as he placed a tray of appetizers down on the table. "Dig in. Dinner's almost ready."

He settled down on the opposite couch, placing an arm around Quinn as she sat next to him, which again did not go unnoticed by Rachel. She cleared her throat, determined to play nice. "So Quinn, Finn tells me that Schuester's recently landed several new clients. You must be excited."

"God, Berry, you really know how to kill a party. Who wants to talk about fucking work? Let's talk about the awesome time we're going to have on the cruise. Hudson tell you Q's coming?"

"He mentioned something about it last night, Noah. I have to say I was a little surprised," Rachel commented, taking a sip of her wine. Her words went unheard by Noah since he was currently kissing Quinn. "Noah! We're right here!"

"Two words for you Berry: Mets game," Noah murmured between kisses, causing Rachel to flush in embarrassment.

Finn chuckled next to her, his eyes watching Vlad, who was making his way under the coffee table, something clasped firmly in his mouth. He said nothing, grinning as he watched until just the tip of Vlad's tail was visible. He turned his attention back to Rachel, who was chastising Puck for making out in front of her.

"You're fucking kidding me, right Berry? Do you need to be reminded about just what your hand was doing under the blanket that time we were watching a movie? Cause I don't think Finn's sound effects were part of the movie."

"_Noah!_" Rachel screeched, horrified that he brought that up in front of Finn's coworker. She'd been mortified when Noah had comeback from a beer run and caught her with her hand in Finn's jeans, leaning over to critique her technique and hand speed.

Quinn rolled her eyes. "God Puck, you're so vulgar. Like I haven't done the same for you?"

Rachel eyed Quinn, who smiled at her. Clearly, she was trying to suck up to Rachel. She directed her attention back to Noah. "Honestly, Noah, are you capable of talking about anything else other than my sex life?"

"I can't help it if you two make it so easy with your sexcapades. Better check the location of our cabin, Q. Who knows what they'll be doing on the balcony and Berry's fucking loud."

"Like you won't be doing the same thing," Rachel snapped. "Finn and I had better check the location of _our_ cabin because I don't want to hear _you._"

"You might get some pointers."

"Are they always like this?" Quinn asked Finn as Rachel gasped and narrowed her eyes at Puck.

"Pretty much." Finn smirked as he saw Vlad emerge empty handed from under the coffee table, hurrying off in the direction of the bedroom again. He was dying to know what was under the table and was even more curious to see what Vlad would come back with, but he could wait until Puck noticed what Vlad was doing.

Vlad came trotting by a few minutes later with something in his mouth, making Finn wonder where he was getting these things from. Finn watched as he made his way back under the coffee table unnoticed by Puck, who was currently telling Quinn exactly how he'd met Rachel, who interrupted every few minutes to correct something. He grinned as an empty-handed Vlad scooted back out from under the coffee table, immediately heading back to the bedroom. Figuring that Vlad would be back in a minute, he tuned back into the conversation, just in time to hear Rachel give yet another frosty response to Quinn.

This time, Noah picked up on the frostiness. "The fuck's up your ass tonight, Berry? That time of the month?"

"Not that it's any of your business, but no it's not."

Finn perked up as Vlad came back in, something clasped in his mouth and started to make his way over to the coffee table.

"Oh. Then what's the matter? Finn not playing hide the salami with you? Cause I- _Hey!_" He jumped up, having finally noticed Vlad's travels. Finn grinned, sitting up in anticipation of the show. "The fuck's in his mouth?"

He made a swipe for Vlad, who growled and avoided him, scooting under the coffee table. "Berry! Your dog better not have my fucking underwear again!"

Rachel, horrified at the thought, immediately got down on her hands and knees to see what Vlad was doing under there. "Relax, Noah. He doesn't have your underwear. He's playing with a doll."

Finn grinned, ready to get some revenge for the Martha Stewart cracks. "Geez Puck, if we had known you wanted us to come over to play dolls, Rachel would have brought her tea set."

"Fuck you, Hudson. Puckzilla doesn't go within ten feet of a doll. I'm all man, as Q can attest." He looked down at Rachel, who was trying unsuccessfully to get the doll from Vlad. "What's he got then?"

Rachel sat back on her heels. "I_ told_ you, he's got a doll."

"Impossible. I don't own fucking _dolls_." Puck got down on his hands and knees to see for himself, the growls coming from under the table immediately getting louder. He peered at the Chihuahua, trying to determine what he had. Once he realized what it was, he shot up in anger. "Berry! Your stupid rat has my Super Mario action figure!"

Finn snorted. This was even better than he thought. Puck was forever going on about his insane theories about Super Mario and civilization. He watched in amusement as Puck pushed his arm under the table and tried to grab the action figure, earning a bite from Vlad instead. The coffee table shook as Puck tried to remove his arm, banging it in his haste, and causing even more expletives to escape Puck's mouth.

He sat back on his heels to glare at Finn and Rachel, one looking embarrassed, while the other wasn't trying to hide his laughter. "The fucking rat has taken Mario captive under there, along with a Koopa Troopa and Toad! It's not fucking funny, Hudson!"

"I can't believe you have a doll collection!" Finn cried between bursts of laughter.

"Not dolls, action figures. They're fucking collectibles, so you two better figure out a way to get them back, while I get dinner out." He stormed off towards the kitchen, leaving the other three to deal with Vlad.

"I'll handle this," Finn announced reaching for one of the appetizers and getting on the floor.

"Take your time," Quinn replied. Surprised, Finn and Rachel both looked at her. She shrugged. "Those things are creepy. He keeps them on display in a bookcase next to his bed. I feel like they're watching me, so if Vlad can chew them, fine by me."

Rachel gave her a small smile. She certainly understood that logic, since Vlad had _accidentally_ chewed the video game cord at their apartment, making Finn unable to play until he got a new one. Maybe Quinn wasn't so bad.

Maybe.

* * *

><p>Rachel's opinion went back to Quinn being evil during dinner, since Quinn frequently put her hand on Finn's arm when she talked to him, or leaned close to him. Puck didn't notice, since he only had eyes for Quinn, but Rachel certainly did, and her responses went back to being frosty.<p>

"The fuck's up with Berry?" Puck whispered to Finn when Rachel and Quinn were in the kitchen, silently making coffee.

Finn rolled his eyes. "She can't let go of things and she's convinced that I think Quinn is hotter than her."

"Oh. You know what they need right?"

"What?" Finn asked cautiously, afraid Puck was going to suggest a threesome.

"They battle it out like men, and what better way to do that than a game of Paintball? We're playing tomorrow anyway, drag Berry along. Q's already said she'll play."

"Are you insane? Rachel will _not_ play paintball. Besides, she's planning on going to the outlets tomorrow with Kurt, Tina and Mercedes."

"Even better. Bring them all along. It's more fun with more people anyway. Think about it. They can shoot at each other and we don't have to hear them bitch."

Finn considered this. He could see a night of bitching about Quinn in his very near future, just based on Rachel's actions from tonight, and he'd _really_ like to limit the bitching. Rachel and Kurt on a paintball field _would_ be hysterical and Blaine was already playing. Mercedes probably wouldn't be too bad at it, and neither would Tina. He grinned. "I'd pay to see Kurt play paintball. Alright, lemme make a few calls."

Rachel and Quinn came in just as Finn was finishing the last call. Everything was all set. Finn had set the plan into motion when he called Artie, who'd immediately called Brittany, who was willing to play, as were Mercedes and Tina. Kurt he left up to Blaine to deal with, since he was sure there were going to be bribes that Finn did _not_ want to know about.

All that was left was Rachel.

"So Finn, since your fucking dog ate my Koopa Troopa, expect me to get revenge in the form of paintball tomorrow," Puck announced as Rachel sat back down. "You playing, Berry?"

"I don't see the fun in getting covered in paint, Noah. I'm going to the outlets with Kurt, Mercedes and Tina tomorrow."

"That right? Q's playing," Noah replied.

"How nice for her." Rachel took a sip of her tea, not noticing the look that passed between Finn and Puck, both unsure of what to say next.

Quinn inadvertently came to their rescue. "You really should play, Rachel. Its lots of fun. Will took the entire firm there last year, right Finn?" She placed her hand on Finn's arm, which Rachel _did _notice, causing her to look at Quinn sharply.

"You're playing, Quinn?" Rachel questioned, her eyes fixed on the hand Quinn still had on Finn's arm. She waited for Quinn's affirmative head nod, before looking at Puck.

"I'm in."

* * *

><p>Finn glanced at Rachel out of the corner of his eye as she played with the car radio. Her agreeing to play paintball last night had shocked him to say the least. He couldn't figure out why she'd agreed so easily, but it became a little clearer when they'd gotten home and she'd attacked him, practically throwing him onto the couch and having her way with him. Not that he was complaining, cause jealousy sex was fucking awesome, but Rachel really was freakishly strong for someone so tiny. It became more clear that his stupid comment about Quinn was still bothering Rachel during round two in the shower, and confirmed during cuddle time in bed after Rachel had initiated round three.<p>

"_What's gotten into you?" he asked as he rolled off of her and let her cuddle into his side._

"_Do you think she's hot?"_

_He groaned. "For the last time, I was kidding when I said Quinn was hot."_

"_Pretty hot. You said pretty hot," Rachel corrected._

"_I'm not getting into this," Finn replied firmly, turning onto his side. Rachel shifted automatically to face him. _

"_Why won't you answer? It's a simple yes or no."_

"_Rachel, look-"_

"_Answer the question."_

_Finn ran his hand through his hair in frustration as he stared at Rachel. "Come on Rach. Knock it off. I'm not going to dump you for Quinn."_

"_Is that a yes?"_

"_It's a yes, I'm not going to answer the question."_

"_I just don't see how you can be friends with her after what she did to you."_

"_Rachel, you need to get over it. We're together, so what does it matter?"_

"_I need to know, Finn." She eyes grew wide with worry as she stared at him._

_He sighed, knowing she was not going to drop this. "Fine. Yes, I think she's hot."_

_Rachel's face fell at his answer and he quickly used his fingers to pick up her chin to make her look at him. "But I will tell you this. She's not my type."_

"_Are you sure?" Rachel bit her lip as she stared at him. "Even your names rhyme. It's sickeningly cute. You could be __**that couple**__." _

_He rolled onto his back, pulling Rachel on top of him. __"Well that's just too bad because I'd rather be __**that couple**__ with a dwarf sized brunette who likes to wear animal sweaters, makes potpourri and doesn't have a name that rhymes with mine."_

_Definitely the right answer, since Rachel gave him his favorite smile before leaning down to give him a scorching kiss commencing round four. She'd fallen asleep in his arms afterwards, but he'd laid awake worrying. Rachel was reassured, but he had a feeling it was only temporary._

"Are we there yet?"

Finn glanced at his brother in the rearview mirror, rolling his eyes. "Like I told you the first ten times you asked, _no_."

Kurt huffed, furious that his shopping day had been disrupted. "I would just like to point out that I have only bought my outfits for the first three days of our vacation. I still have seven days to go; I really can't afford to be wasting time running around the woods hurling paint balloons at other people. And _why_ must I be the one to sit in the middle?"

"Because you're like the size of one of my ass cheeks, Kurt, that's why," Mercedes responded.

"And you don't hurl paint balloons, you use a gun, Kurt. Even I know that," Rachel replied, turning to look at Kurt, who was sandwiched between Mercedes and Blaine on the backseat.

"Really?"

"Yes, you use the gun to shoot paint at people on the other team. I imagine it's very therapeutic. I, for example, have already got a target in mind."

Finn gulped at Rachel's words, knowing exactly who that target was. He'd been right when he'd thought that Rachel was still jealous of Quinn even after he'd assured her. He would _not _want to be Quinn right now. Rachel's aim was deadly accurate, so he could only imagine that her shooting aim would also be accurate.

"Hmm. In that case, I have a target also." Kurt fixed his gaze on Finn's reflection in the rearview mirror, letting everyone in the car know who his intended target was.

Finn smirked. "I'm not too worried Kurt."

"You should be. You forget that I'm incredibly accurate with kicking a football," Kurt replied smugly. "That must translate into shooting. Why aren't we there yet?"

Crap. He had forgotten that. In an effort to get the boys to bond, Carole had convinced Finn to get Kurt a tryout on their high school's football team. To Finn's surprise, he'd proven incredibly accurate getting the ball through the uprights, but his football career had lasted all of two games once he realized what the sweat was doing to his skin. He snorted, remembering how he'd chosen to make the official announcement in the showers after the game and the guys had started throwing their jock straps and dirty uniforms at a horrified Kurt, who'd run out screaming.

"Are you ladies ready for the spa onboard the ship? Blaine's generously offered to pay for all of us to get full spa treatments on our Sea Day," Kurt announced to squeals from Mercedes and Rachel.

Blaine rolled his eyes at the steep price to get Kurt to agree to pay paintball. Kurt was _so_ getting nailed.

"Well all I know is that Puckerman better watch out cause I have a paintball with his name on it. This'll be sweet payback for having to listen to his stupid Super Mario stories all these years," Mercedes announced, looking out the window. "Not to mention having to stare at that dumbass Mohawk."

Rachel turned around in the front seat. "Don't worry about that Mer. We had dinner with Noah and Quinn last night and Vlad found his Super Mario doll collection and chewed several of them. He's so afraid Finn's going to mention it to everyone, I'm sure he's not going to be talking about Mario today."

"Are we there _yet_?" Kurt whined over the laughter coming from the rest of the occupants of the car.

"Kurt, I swear to God if you ask me that one more time, I will use every single paintball I have on _you._ Then I'll reload and I'll wait until you take off your coveralls and shoot your designer outfit," Finn snapped. He'd been planning on nailing Kurt anyway, as payback for having to take crap about the tureen, but Kurt was just asking to be hit more.

"Fine," Kurt sulked, slumping down in the seat and trying to decide exactly _where_ he wanted to hit Finn. He'd already decided where he was going to hit Blaine for making him play this stupid game.

"It doesn't matter anyway, because it looks like we're here, Kurt." Rachel commented.

Kurt's sulking stopped instantly, watching out the window as Finn parked the car next to the one containing Brittany, Artie, Tina and Mike. He practically pushed Mercedes out of the car in his effort to get out, taking in big gulp of air as he adjusted the hunting cap to a jaunty angle on his head.

"Where's Puckerman?" Blaine asked, looking around. Puck's SUV was here, but he and Quinn were nowhere in sight.

"Probably getting it on in a coat closet somewhere," Rachel replied, rolling her eyes.

"You're a fucking riot, Berry, you know that?" Puck asked, coming up behind the group, a magazine tucked under his arm. "I was taking a crap for your information."

"Can we just get started?" Finn asked "Where's Quinn?"

"She's checking us in. We gotta make teams too."

"Oh, I took care of that. I wrote everyone's name on a piece of paper, that way the teams will be fair," Rachel announced, holding up a Ziploc bag of slips of paper. "I just need a hat."

Finn ripped the hat off of Kurt's head ignoring his screams of protest, holding it out to Rachel. "Dump them in, babe."

Rachel dumped the papers in. "I figured the first two names picked will be the two teams and then they can just take turns picking. All teams are final, no trading."

Quinn came back at that moment, joining the group and standing between Finn and Noah, to Rachel's annoyance.

"Sounds good to me," Finn replied, looking around the group who all nodded in agreement. He took the hat from Rachel, holding it out to Artie. "Pick two."

Artie reached in and grabbed a piece of paper out. "Noah."

Puck grinned. "Captain of the _SS Kick Ass_. Who's on the other paper?"

Artie unfolded it and grinned. "Brittany."

Puck exhaled in relief at not having Brittany on his team. She'd probably end up shooting her own team, so he'd really dodged a bullet on that one.

Artie held out the hat to Puck, who eagerly reached in, hoping for Finn's name. "Mike," he read aloud, still grinning. He'd take Mike anyday. He, Mike and Finn would be unstoppable.

Brittany reached in. "Finn," she read aloud happily.

Shit. This was not good. Puck reached back in and looked at the paper he'd drawn. It just got worse. "Kurt."

Brittany unfolded her next paper. "Mercedes."

Crap. Puck stared at Mercedes, as he pulled out his next paper, knowing she'd be gunning for him. "Rachel."

"Blaine," Brittany read.

"Tina."

Rachel frowned as she watched Brittany pulled out her last paper. There was only one person left. "Quinn."

Finn and Quinn were on the same team.

"I want to trade," Rachel announced. "I want to be with Finn."

"Fuck no. I need your killer aim to compensate for Hummel."

"But I want to play for the other team," Rachel protested.

"Isn't that Hummel's job?" Noah snickered.

Rachel ignored him and turned to Finn, ready to plead her case. "Finny?"

"Sorry, Rach. No trades, remember?" Finn replied, knowing exactly why she wanted to trade and ignoring the pout she was giving him. "We'll take Artie, since your team has more guys on it, Puck."

Puck shrugged. "Fine with me. Let's go get suited up."

He led the way into the supply room, more than ready to get this battle started.

* * *

><p>Suiting up proved to be an adventure in itself, since there were different team jumpsuits to choose from. Kurt hemmed and hawed over the different jumpsuits, trying to decide what the theme of his team was.<p>

"While I could see the benefits of being in the khaki camouflage, I've never been able to rock that look, so I really think we should go for the darker green camouflage with the decorative leaves. It'll be a nice homage to autumn. What do you guys think?" Kurt asked, giving serious thought to the options. "What?"

Puck was staring at him like he had two heads. "Are you fucking serious? They're _jumpsuits._"

"So? There's never an excuse for looking bad," Kurt defended.

Puck rolled his eyes. "Fine. We'll take the dark green jumpsuits." The guy behind the counter started handing them out, along with goggles, helmets and the other equipment.

"What color balls you want?" the man behind the counter asked. "Blue?"

Puck snickered at the unintended innuendo, while the man gestured to the color chart.

Rachel, still furious that Finn had refused to trade for her, spoke up. "Pink. We want pink."

"Fuck no we don't want pink," Puck spat out.

"Rachel, the pink is nice, but I really think we should go with a gold. It'll go nicely with our outfits," Kurt added.

Puck closed his eyes, trying to control his temper. At this rate, he'd be using all his paint on his own team. "First of all, Calvin Klein, the paint is going to be on the jumpsuits of the _other _team, so you better be more concerned with whatever color_ they_ pick. Second of all, Berry, Puckzilla doesn't do a fucking girly color like _pink_."

"Girly? But you have do-" Rachel began to point out.

"Fine. We'll take the pink," Puck hastily told the guy before Rachel could finish that sentence. They finished suiting up and headed out to meet up with Finn's team, who'd chosen the khaki Kurt had rejected.

Finn made his way over to Rachel, who was trying to load her gun. "Lemme help you."

"Why? _I'm_ not on your team, remember? Shouldn't you be helping Quinn?"

"Rachel don't be like this. I'm helping _you_ because you're my girlfriend, even if you're not on the same team as me." He took the gun from her, showing her how to load the paintballs. "Now, when you're ready to shoot, you just look through this thing right here with one eye until you have it where you want it and then press the trigger. Watch."

Finn aimed the gun at Puck, who had his back to Finn and Rachel, quickly shooting off a few shots at Puck's ass, watching as the balls of bright pink paint exploded all over.

"OW! The fuck?" Puck whirled around, trying to see who'd shot him. "You fucking shot me!"

"Sorry, bro. Had to be done so Rachel could see how fucking easy it is," Finn replied shrugging, throwing Puck's exact words from the other day in his face. He grinned as he watched Puck spin around like a dog chasing its tail, trying to see how much paint was on his ass. "The bright pink looks good on you, Puck. Is that the same shade _Princess Peach_ wears?"

Puck's eyes narrowed at the mention of the Super Mario princess, knowing it was a dig at his action figures. Not about to explain in front of everyone that he only had the Princess Peach action figure to complete the set, he simply held up a middle finger.

"Alright, looks like everyone's ready," the owner announced handing a paper to Artie and one to Kurt. "Here's your maps and remember to keep helmets and goggles on at all times. Good luck."

"See you later, baby," Finn promised, leaning in for a kiss.

"Hey, no fraternizing with the enemy, Berry! You see me kissing my woman?" Puck demanded, pointing his gun at them. "No, cause she's on the other team."

Finn held up his hands, walking away to join his team. Rachel watched him go, turning to give Puck an indignant look. "Honestly Noah, was that necessary?"

"Fuck yeah. We need to have a team meeting in our shelter." He grabbed her by the arm, leading her through the woods to a small leanto.

The battle had begun.

* * *

><p>"These jumpsuits really need to have pockets," Kurt whined. "If I had known I'd just be lying in the dirt, I would have brought my nail care kit."<p>

"Who knew paintball was so boring?" Rachel grumbled. Noah had assigned her and Kurt sniper duty on a hill near their flag, while he and Mike tried to capture Finn's flag. Poor Tina was left alone on guard duty back at the flag. He'd instructed Kurt and Rachel to shoot at anyone from the other team, but so far, the only thing that had come near them was a plastic bag floating through the air.

"I have to pee," Kurt announced. "Why don't we walk back to the shelter?"

"Fine by me."

They stood up, heading through the woods quietly.

"So I really think when we-" Kurt began, but was cut off by a burst of orange paint hitting a nearby tree. "On the ground!"

He and Rachel dived into a nearby hole, trying to figure out where the shot had come from. Kurt peered out carefully, not seeing anyone. He settled back down next to Rachel. "Hmmpf. They chose orange paint. We're gonna look like Thanksgiving decorations."

He reached for his radio. "Come in, Puck."

Puck's response came instantly. "Use the fucking codenames. And say over. Over."

Kurt rolled his eyes. "Fine. Come in, Captain Stud. Over."

"_Knew_ you had the hots for me. Over."

"In your dreams. Over."

"What's your location, Elton? Over."

"Britney Spears and I have been shot at and are currently in a ditch. Over."

"By who? Over."

"If I knew that wouldn't I have told you? Over?"

"Stay there and keep an eye out then. Over."

Kurt rolled his eyes at the entire conversation. Puck had issued everyone a codename; giving himself what he thought was a cool one, while everyone else got embarrassing ones. Hence the reason why he was Elton John and Rachel was Britney Spears. Mike and Tina were simply Asian and Other Asian.

Rachel giggled in spite of herself at the sight in front of her. Kurt's helmet was slightly askew, making the leaves on it droop even more. "What do we do now?"

"Watch and wait. They'll be back."

* * *

><p>Damn.<p>

He'd missed Kurt. Finn lowered his gun, pissed that he had such an awesome opportunity to nail him. Ordinarily, he would've kept shooting, but Rachel was with him and he didn't want to hit her, figuring she'd make him sleep on the couch _forever_ if she found out he was the one who'd hit her.

He ducked behind a tree, knowing Kurt would wait to see who'd tried to shoot him. Technically, his job was to take out Puck, but if he could take Kurt out too, that'd be totally awesome.

He could hear Kurt's radio conversation with Puck and snickered at Kurt's code name. He would have gone with something that would piss Kurt off, like K-Mart, but Elton John was just as good.

He crouched low. He was in no rush.

Kurt and his stupid tureen were going _down_.

* * *

><p>Puck crawled through the overgrowth, keeping Brittany in his sights. She was lying in the dirt behind a small hill waiting for something to appear in front of her, never thinking to check behind her.<p>

He'd been in constant communication with Mike, who felt sure that Finn would have Artie guarding the flag, even if he did have on his all terrain wheels. Mike knew what a deadly shot Artie was and had gone on ahead to scope it out, while Puck dealt with Brittany. Puck seriously doubted that Artie would be much trouble, but Mike was adamant about Artie's shooting prowess. Sure enough, he'd just radioed back to Puck that Artie was alone at the flag.

He lined up his shot and took aim. Unfortunately for him, Brittany rolled over at that moment, causing his paintball to hit the hill in front of her. She looked around, trying to figure out where that came from. She quickly ducked behind a tree.

Shit. She was smarter than he gave her credit for.

Luckily, he was smarter. He crawled over to a different spot, purposely shooting a paintball at nothing before crawling to a different tree. Brittany, seeing the paintball hit in a different spot, cautiously stepped out from behind her tree.

A moment later, Brittany's yelp echoed through air as bright pink paint covered her back.

Puck grinned.

One down, 4 and a half to go.

* * *

><p>Mercedes crept through the woods, looking for any sign of the other team. She'd heard through the radio that Brittany had been taken out which sucked, but her personal goal was to find Pukerman and shoot him, although she was supposed to be on the lookout for Rachel.<p>

When she'd gone out with Quinn last week, they'd stopped by Puck's apartment; she'd been forced to listen to his newest theory about Super Mario and she'd had it up to _here_ with it.

Plus, the Mohawk just had to go.

She darted from tree to tree, trying to hide behind each one. She noticed a slight movement nearby, and cocked her gun, hoping it was Puck. She dropped her gun slightly when she realized who it was.

Mike.

Should she shoot him? He hadn't really done anything to her, she'd feel bad and Tina would be mad.

But on the other hand, this was war and all's fair in love and war right? Finn would be pissed if he realized she'd had a chance and didn't take it. Someone on Mike's team, possibly Mike himself, had taken out Brittany and it was up to her to even the score.

She raised the gun higher and pulled the trigger. A stream of orange balls went flying through the air, hitting Mike on his back, legs, and helmet.

Mercedes smirked.

Now they were even.

* * *

><p>"I'm hit! Over."<p>

"The fuck you mean you're hit Other Asian? Over."

"I mean, I'm hit. Mercedes nailed me. Over."

Crap. That left him with Hummel and Berry, both of whom were hiding in a ditch together. Puck spoke back into his radio. "Elton. I need you and Spears to separate. Over."

"Are you insane? There's a sniper somewhere near! Over."

"Other Asian got hit. Send Spears out. Over."

"What? Why me, Noah?"

"Won't respond to Noah. And say over! Over."

"Fine. I'll head out. But if I get hit, I'm shooting _you. _Over."

* * *

><p>Finn watched with interest as Rachel cautiously got out of the ditch. She was trying – and failing miserably – at being stealth by running from tree to tree, inadvertently making tons of noise. He smiled as he sat up and watched her run off, momentarily forgetting about Kurt.<p>

Big mistake.

A stream of pink paintballs came his way. He ducked, managing to avoid getting hit. Damn. Kurt must have spotted him when he'd sat up. He wouldn't make that mistake again.

He crouched down, watching Kurt watching him.

"You're too big to hide, Finn! I can see your ass!" Just for effect, Kurt sent another round of paintballs towards his ass.

Crap. He gritted his teeth as a paintball made contact with his hip, feeling the sting instantly, Kurt's scream of victory ringing in his ears.

This was un_fucking_believable. He was out of the game and what's worse, _Kurt_ had hit him. He made a mental note to shoot Kurt after the game was over.

His paintball day was done, all because he'd been nice and let Rachel go.

Damn his fear of the couch.

* * *

><p>"Shit. Finn's out." Blaine muttered to Quinn. "It's just us and Mercedes."<p>

Quinn frowned as she scanned the woods. "What's that?"

Blaine grinned as he watched Kurt run full speed from tree to tree. "Well well well, look who it is."

"Should we shoot?" Quinn asked.

"Let's just watch and see what he does first. He might come closer if he thinks no one's near."

Smirking, they turned their attention back to Kurt, who was still running full speed from tree to tree, unaware that he was being watched.

* * *

><p>"There you are! I've been looking everywhere for you."<p>

Rachel jumped at the voice, grabbing her gun, but lowering it when she saw that it was Noah.

"Kurt really shot Finn?" she asked immediately.

"Yeah, he played nice and let you leave, but he's so freakishly large that Kurt got a clear view of his ass when he thought he was crouching low."

"He let me leave?" Rachel questioned. She felt bad; she'd been fully prepared to shoot him if she saw him, particularly if he was with Quinn.

"Yeah. Q better not expect the same treatment."

Rachel frowned. "Why are you with her, Noah? How could you, after what she did to me?"

"Fuck. You really want to talk about this _now_?"

"Yes."

"Ok. I'm going to tell you why I'm ok with what she did. The night of the Gala, when I got her loaded, she told me the whole plan. I was furious, but then she told me how bad she felt and how obvious it was that you two really loved each other. Drunks always speak the truth, Berry."

"She really said that?" Rachel asked incredulously. Had she been wrong about Quinn? Was she not evil? She frowned. Even if she wasn't evil, she was still trying to move in on her man, so therefore, she was still Public Enemy #1.

"Wouldn't fucking shut up about it, actually. Plus, she's fucking amazing in bed."

"But she keeps flirting with Finn!" Rachel protested. "Doesn't that bother you?"

"That's just her personality, Berry. Besides, she can flirt all she wants but you've got the leash on Hudson so tight, he's not going anywhere. Oh, shit, there's Aretha." Puck loaded his gun and fired, easily taking out Mercedes.

Puck smirked.

Three down, two and a half to go.

* * *

><p>"Ok, I think he's close enough. On my count, ready?"<p>

Quinn nodded, propping her gun up.

"Fire!" Blaine yelled.

Both he and Quinn unloaded on an unsuspecting Kurt, covering the poor man head to toe in orange paint.

Kurt screamed in agony as he dropped to the ground, sounding like The Wicked Witch of the West when she got water thrown on her.

"Nice shooting with you," Quinn said, giving Blaine a mock salute.

* * *

><p>The game was getting closer now. All that were left were Rachel, Puck and Tina vs. Quinn, Blaine and Artie. Rachel and Puck made their way to the other team's flag, where Artie was sitting, bored out of his mind.<p>

"This should be easy, Berry. It's not like he can go far."

"I don't know. Finn's always talking about what an amazing shot he is," Rachel replied doubtfully.

"Like Hudson knows what he's talking about. Is he still in the game?"

"Well no, but-"

"Watch and learn, Berry." Puck stood up to shoot and was almost immediately accosted by flying balls of orange paint. "I'm hit, Berry! Run!"

Rachel tried to run from the steady stream of balls leaving Artie's gun, but was almost immediately hit. She screamed as one hit her on the hip, feeling the other balls of paint bounce off her helmet. One even hit her goggles, making visibility impossible on one side.

"Shit Berry. Artie really is an amazing shot. How the fuck did he even know we were there?" Puck grumbled as he crawled towards Rachel, orange paint covering his chest. He glanced back at Artie, who'd once again assumed a position of boredom. "He didn't even move his fucking chair!"

"I _told _you. You really need to listen to me more because-"

He cut off her bitching by shooting her with some paintballs. "Save the bitching for Hudson."

She glared at him, looking down at the pink and orange paint mixing on her chest.

"It's all up to Tina now."

* * *

><p>Tina fought valiantly, taking out Quinn, but in the midst of the battle Blaine managed to sneak in and grab their flag, ending the game.<p>

Paint covered, they congregated back at the start, laughing at the sight of the each other. Kurt, Puck and Rachel had suffered the most, each covered in bright orange paint.

Finn was hysterical when he spotted Kurt, who looked like an Oompa Loompa. He waited until Kurt had turned to say something to Tina before raising his gun and firing, hitting Kurt right on the back of his thighs, one of the few spots they'd missed. Just for good measure, he shot again, hitting Kurt just above and below the back of each knee, knowing from experience that that hurts like a bitch.

"I'm hit! Get down!" Kurt yelled, ducking down. When no one else ducked, he looked around for the source. "Very funny, Finn."

He smirked. "Shouldn't of hit me, Oompa Loompa."

Rachel laughed as she walked over to Quinn, who was smiling as she watched Finn and Kurt. Noah's words had been reverberating in her mind. "Quinn?"

"Yeah?" Her smile died a little.

"I…I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I know we kind of got off on the wrong foot and I'd really like it if you joined us when we go shopping tomorrow."

"Really?" Quinn sounded skeptical. "You want me to come? Why? Aren't I the bitch from the office?"

"No, you're the girl who makes Noah happy. I've been watching you two and I see it now." She placed an arm on Quinn's arm. "He told me what you said about me and Finn. I was so worried that Finn was going to dump me for you, that I couldn't see how happy you make Noah. Come shopping."

"Alright." Quinn smiled. She glanced at Noah who was currently trying to shoot Artie as he wheeled frantically away. "I wish I could have shot Puck."

Rachel grinned, holding up her gun. "Count of three?"

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: The idea of Kurt playing paintball is one that I find hysterical. For those of you waiting for an update to Serendipity, it's coming, I swear. :)_**


	10. Uno a Due

**_Disclaimer: Glee is not mine :(_**

* * *

><p>"<strong><em>I think it's time to put a ring on the finger I'm wrapped around."<em>**

**_- Brad Paisley, "Wrapped Around"_**

* * *

><p>"Hey, you ready?"<p>

Finn jumped at the sound of Artie's voice, quickly minimizing the website he'd been looking at. "Ready for what?"

Artie wheeled closer to Finn's desk. "The wing eating contest? Remember you and Mike bet Puck that he couldn't finish two whole baskets of the atomic hot wings without crying? Today's the day he's going to do it."

Damn. He'd forgotten about that bet. No way in hell could Puck eat two of those baskets and he _really_ wanted to see Puck cry like a baby when the heat hit him. He'd be the proud recipient of a hundred bucks the second a tear fell.

"Is that today? I can't go." He maximized the screen again once he realized that Artie wasn't going to come closer to the computer screen.

"Why not? It's lunch time."

"I…I have a meeting," Finn stammered, his eyes drifting back to the screen.

"Without me? What's going on? What are you looking at?" Artie demanded, wheeling closer. "Does it have anything to do with you taking the afternoon off?"

"How'd you know about that?" Finn asked; looking up at him as he quickly minimized the screen again.

"Will mentioned it. Why do you keep minimizing your screen?" Artie asked, cocking his head to get a better view of the screen.

Finn sighed. He'd really wanted to keep this a secret, but it was bound to get out eventually. "What I'm about to tell you, you _cannot_ tell anyone."

"Not tell anyone what?" Mike asked, strolling in. "You ready? Puckerman's gonna be sorry he called us pussies for having our eyes tear from those wings."

"Finn's not coming. He's got a big secret he's about to tell, but you can't tell anyone," Artie announced, turning back to Finn, who'd blanched at yet _another_ person knowing before he was ready.

"That right? What's so important that you'd miss Puckerman crying like a girl?" Like Artie, Mike looked at Finn expectantly.

For the second time in less than five minutes, Finn sighed. "Like I said, neither of you can tell anyone, _especially_ Brittany or Tina. Oh, and definitely not Kurt." He took a deep breath before continuing. "I'm going to ask Rachel to marry me."

"That's awesome!" Artie cried. "Don't worry your secret's safe with me."

"Congrats, man," Mike replied fist bumping Finn. "That why you're not coming today? You gonna do it now?"

"No. I don't even have a ring yet. I'm just going up to Westchester to talk to her dads."

"Really? You're going to ask her fathers?" Artie asked, impressed.

"Rachel thinks she's been subtle lately by only wanting to watch wedding themed movies, during which she comments on what _she_ would do if it was her wedding. She conveniently let it drop that she thought it would be romantic if I asked her fathers, so that's what I'm doing."

"How are you going to propose?"

"Well, I was thinking about this." Finn turned the computer screen so that Artie and Mike could see what he'd been looking at. "I'm just waiting for it to come."

"Dude, that's awesome!" Mike cried, peering at the screen. "That's perfect for you two."

"You're really setting the bar for the rest of us, Finn," Artie commented.

Finn smirked. He _knew _it would be a good idea. He'd really wanted to plan as much as possible before Kurt found out and tried to take over. This was something he wanted to do on his own.

He stood up, gathering his backpack. "Somebody record Puck losing the bet for me? Oh, and don't tell him either."

"Why not?" Artie asked, surprised. "He's going to know when you get the ring."

"Yeah, but he's got a big mouth. I can just see him coming over and asking Rachel how she enjoyed the engagement sex. She'll be furious if it's ruined for her."

"What, the proposal or the sex?" Mike asked slyly.

"Both." Finn checked around his office, making sure he had everything.

"So when are you and Kurt going to go get the ring?"

Finn shrugged as he headed towards the door. "Kurt's not coming with me, it's just a ring. How hard could it be to pick one out? Later guys."

He walked out the door, ready to take the first step towards making Rachel his wife.

* * *

><p>Finn adjusted his tie for the umpteenth time as he waited for the door to open. He'd been to Rachel's childhood home hundreds of times, but he'd never actually been here alone. Rachel normally just walked in, but he wasn't sure if he was allowed to do that, so he decided to play it safe and ring the doorbell.<p>

"Finn! How nice to see you! We certainly weren't expecting you, come in," Hiram gushed, moving aside to let Finn in. "Can I get you something to eat or drink?"

"Hey, Hiram," Finn greeted, as he stepped inside. He smiled, relieved that Hiram had answered the door and not LeRoy. Hopefully, LeRoy wasn't home and Hiram could just say yes for both of them.

"Where's Rachel?" Hiram asked, peering out the door towards the driveway.

"It's just me. Rachel had meetings with her editor and then I think she was going out with Mercedes. I, uh, wanted to talk to you and LeRoy."

"Oh, well in that case, LeRoy's just finishing up a call in his study. We were just about to sit down to lunch. Why don't we-"

Hiram was cut off by a nearby door opening and LeRoy himself looking out.

"Hiram? Is lunch-" He paused when he saw Finn. "What are you doing here, Finn? Where's my Rachel?"

"Finn wants to talk to us, LeRoy," Hiram explained, ushering Finn into LeRoy's office.

LeRoy settled back into his chair behind the desk, Hiram standing next to him, leaving Finn to take the uncomfortable arm chair across from them.

Finn glanced around nervously. Like the rest of the Berry house, LeRoy's office was a shrine to Rachel. Photos of Rachel in various dance recital costumes or Halloween costumes, riding a bike or pretty much any other childhood moment jammed the shelves, while her elementary school artwork graced the walls. He peered closely at a picture of a naked toddler Rachel playing in the bathtub, wondering if he could convince adult Rachel to take a picture like that. His mind instantly went dirty as a grin spread on his face, thinking of adult Rachel in a bathtub.

"Son, are you ok?" LeRoy asked, snapping Finn out of his reverie. He focused his eyes on them, both of whom were staring at him with concerned looks on their faces. "What did you want to talk to us about?"

Shit. They'd caught him being a perv.

Finn flushed red. He'd come to symbolically ask for their daughter's hand in marriage and instead he's fantasizing in front of them about what he wanted to do to their daughter naked.

"Maybe I should get him a drink," Hiram fretted.

"No! I'm…I'm fine. I just wanted to ask you something," Finn blurted out.

"What is it?"

"Did you know that Rachel inspired my ad slogan for Puckerman's?" he asked slowly. "You know, _from the day before you to never a day without you._"

He waited for them to nod affirmatively before continuing. "Well, I think that was the moment that I first started to realize Rachel was it for me. It was nothing special, we were just walking down the street, talking and we'd only known each other for a few days, but it felt like I'd known her for years. The slogan stemmed from that moment and it's always been true of our relationship."

"Finn, what are you trying to say? You got a promotion?" LeRoy asked.

Hiram seemed to understand where this was going, because he started looking suspiciously misty eyed, his hand on his chest.

"What? No. I didn't get a promotion," Finn replied, looking from one father to the other.

"So what is it, Son? I have a conference call to London in five minutes."

"I'm…I'm trying to say that…" Finn stammered. He wasn't expecting LeRoy to act like this. Ever since the first time they'd met, he'd always been a little scary, but he'd thought that after all this time LeRoy finally liked him. Although, he'd never been to see LeRoy without Rachel, so maybe it was just an act for Rachel's sake? He hoped not.

"Out with it. I really don't have time for stammering."

"I want to marry Rachel. I'm going to ask her to marry me soon and I'd like to have your blessing," Finn blurted out.

Hiram gasped, clapping his hands excitedly. "I knew it! I knew that's why you were here!"

"No."

Finn, who'd just allowed himself to smile at Hiram's reaction, stared at LeRoy in surprise. Did LeRoy just say _no?_ He recovered enough to stammer out a response. "Ex…excuse me?"

"You heard me, son. I said no." He folded his arms across his chest. Beside him, Hiram stood in shock.

"But…but why?" Not that it really mattered, he was planning on marry Rachel either way, but it would be a hell of a lot easier if LeRoy would cooperate, since his saying no would upset Rachel.

"I don't like you. Never have. You don't deserve my Little Star."

Finn felt like he'd been kicked in the teeth. He looked down at his hands, trying to figure out how the hell he was going to explain this to Rachel.

He looked up, prepared to tell LeRoy that he intended to marry Rachel anyway, only to find LeRoy smiling at him.

"I'm just kidding, Finn. I knew what you wanted as soon as I saw Rachel wasn't here. Of course you have our blessing."

Finn exhaled, feeling liked he'd aged twenty years in the span of five minutes. "That really wasn't funny, LeRoy."

LeRoy shrugged. "You're taking away my baby girl. I think it's allowed."

"When are you going to do it, Finn? Have you and Kurt gone to get a ring?" Hiram asked excitedly. "Rachel left a few pictures with me to give to you."

Finn bristled. Why did everyone assume he needed Kurt to pick out a ring with him? "Not yet. And I don't think I need Kurt for this. I've bought her enough jewelry, I know what Rachel likes."

"Oh. Well let me give you those pictures anyway." He hustled out of the room, stopping to give Finn a quick hug.

"It's about time you made an honest woman out of her and stopped living in sin together," LeRoy commented, shuffling some papers on his desk. "Have you told Carole?"

"Not yet. I wanted to wait until I have a ring because I know she's going to want me to use her engagement ring. And while it would be awesome, I want her to keep that memory of my father."

"Here they are!" Hiram came rushing in, happily thrusting some photos at Finn. He glanced down at the photos, surprised at the rings in them. They were all so _different_. The first drop of doubt started to form in his mind as his cell phone went off. The fact that his cell phone was singing _Brown Eyed Girl_ meant only one thing.

Rachel was calling.

He mouthed _Rachel_ to Hiram and LeRoy, who both froze. "Hey, babe!"

"Where are you? I went by your office after my meeting and you weren't there. And then Noah just called saying something about you being a pansy and not showing up because you were afraid you'd lose. What is he talking about? Where are you?"

He could hear the worry in her voice, but it's not like he could tell her where he really was. "I had an important meeting."

"Oh." The relief in her voice was evident. "But what was he talking about? Lose what?"

Finn rolled his eyes, not wanting to explain about the bet in front of Rachel's dads. Puck had been claiming for weeks that he'd be able to eat those wings with no problem, ever since he'd seen Mike and Finn tear up after eating them while they'd watched the Knicks game at Hooters and he could just see the eye rolls it would get from her fathers.

Finn sighed. "I was supposed to meet Artie, Mike and Puck at Hooters for lunch because we had a bet that Puck couldn't eat two baskets of the atomic wings without crying. Did he say if he won?"

He glanced at Rachel's dads out of the corner of his eye. Yup, there were the eye rolls.

"He didn't say. How was your meeting?"

Finn smiled. "It went very well."

"Good. I'm going to go then. I have to call Daddy quick before Mercedes gets here."

Crap. He glanced at Hiram, who was glancing at the pictures he'd given Finn, a huge smile on his face as he whispered wedding ideas to LeRoy. Hiram was totally going to blow it for him, since he was so excited. He quickly hung up with Rachel, wanting to speak to Hiram before the phone started ringing.

"She's calling you now. Are you ok to talk? You don't know anything, remember?" Finn pleaded, just as the phone started ringing.

LeRoy seemed to be thinking the same way Finn was, since he lunged for the phone and answered. Finn listened carefully; relieved to see that LeRoy was acting like his normal scary self, smoothly telling Rachel that Hiram was out doing his volunteer work and that he'd be gone all day.

"Why don't we go have lunch and you can tell us how you intend to propose," Hiram announced once LeRoy had hung up. "I can't wait to call Carole and discuss this!"

He headed out of the room, almost talking to himself in his excitement. LeRoy grabbed Finn's arm before he could follow. Finn looked down at the arm inquisitively.

"Finn, you better propose and fast. I can only hold off Hiram for so long."

Finn followed Hiram and LeRoy out of the study, wondering if this was going to be harder than he thought.

* * *

><p>One lunch and a train ride later, Finn found himself walking down the busy streets of Manhattan, heading back towards Schuester's. Not wanting to share his proposal plan with Hiram, he maintained his mantra of <em>I don't know how I'm going to propose<em> (even though he totally did), hoping that would calm Hiram down. It had the opposite effect, since Hiram had simply conjured up all sorts of ways for Finn to propose to Rachel, most of which were far flung. Yeah, hiring a sky writer would be cool, but with his luck, there'd be another Rachel watching who'd think _she_ was getting proposed to. It would totally suck if some other guy got engaged because of his idea.

His eyes fell on a Puckerman jewelry store window display. He'd taken the whole afternoon off, but it had taken him less time than he thought to ask for Rachel's dads blessing, so he figured he'd head back and catch up on some work. He stared at the window, thinking maybe he should start looking at rings. He could easily pick one out, buy it, and be back at the office in plenty of time.

And all without Kurt.

He pushed his way into the jewelry store, letting his eyes adjust to the light as he headed over to a display of rings.

"May I help you?"

He looked up to see a young girl looking at him expectantly, a smile on her face as she checked him out.

"Yeah, I want to look at the engagement rings," he replied, rubbing the back of his neck and not noticing how her face fell at his words.

"Oh. Well they're over here." She gestured to a nearby case, and he peered down. Some of the rings had empty settings, while others contained diamonds. He frowned, studying them.

He didn't think there'd be _so many._

"What kind of diamond are you looking for?" the salesgirl, whose nametag read Amy, asked.

"Uh…the engagement diamond," Finn responded, not knowing what the hell Amy was talking about.

Amy giggled. "No, I mean, what cut?"

"Huh?"

"Well why don't we start with something easier. How many carats?"

"I…I don't know."

"Do you want a solitaire or pavé setting?

"I…I don't know." Finn looked at her like she was speaking a foreign language. He wanted an engagement ring, that was it. Why the hell was she asking him all this other crap? He pointed a ring off to the side. It was a simple band, devoid of a diamond. "I like that one. Can you put a diamond on that?"

Amy gave him an odd look. "Um…that's a men's wedding band."

"Oh." He flushed crimson, trying to figure out how he could get out of the store with what little dignity he had left. To his relief, help came in the form of the manager, who'd called Amy over to ask her something.

"I'll be right back," Amy promised, flashing him a smile before she scampered off to see what her manager wanted.

Not wasting a second, Finn hightailed it out of the jewelry store, not pausing until he was far away from the store.

Holy shit. Who knew buying an engagement ring could make his vocabulary consist of three word phrases? For that matter, who knew that engagement rings had so many options? He needed back up and _fast_. He couldn't ask his mother, since like he told LeRoy; she'd want to give him her engagement ring and he just couldn't take that memory from her. Artie and Mike would be just as clueless as he was and he knew that Burt and Blaine would have no idea. Puck would be very familiar with the jewelry, but his inability to keep a secret eliminated him automatically. That left one person.

Kurt.

He pulled out his cell phone, knowing he was going to regret this, but not seeing any other way around it. Quickly, he typed out a text message, knowing Kurt would understand its meaning immediately.

_It's time._

* * *

><p>As he'd expected, Kurt had responded instantly, directing Finn to come over immediately, which was why Finn was now standing outside Kurt and Blaine's apartment, ready to knock. He didn't even get a full knock in before the door was flung open by an incredibly excited Kurt.<p>

"It's about time! Come, we have a lot of work to do," Kurt said by way of greeting, grabbing his brother and pulling him into the apartment.

"Why couldn't we just meet at a jewelry store?" He settled onto the couch Kurt had directed him to.

"Because dear brother, you are nowhere near ready for a jewelry store. You go in there now; you'll just end up running out."

Finn stared at him. Did Kurt _know?_

"What you need is preparation. I've prepared a few things to help us." He pulled several large presentation boards out from behind the couch, placing them on easels he'd set up before Finn's arrival.

"Seriously?" Finn asked, looking in horror at the closest board, which was labeled '_The 4 C's.' _"Kurt, what the hell is this?"

"Kurt Hummel's Engagement Boot Camp. We take hopeless cases like yourself and help you give the girl the engagement of her dreams," Kurt announced proudly. "Past graduates include Dad, although he got a modified version since he'd done it before. You're getting the full Kurt Hummel experience."

"Engagement Boot Camp? Don't you think you're being a little ridiculous?" Finn asked skeptically.

"Each word out of your mouth just proves that you have no idea what you're getting into. Shopping is like war, Finn. I suppose you think your father just went into battle without any preparation?" He tapped the pointer he'd pulled out from behind the couch against his palm, waiting for Finn's answer.

"Well no, but-"

"Exactly. You need to be prepared both mentally and physically."

"Physically? You mean for the endless_ just got engaged_ sex I get that night? Cause I think I'm ok in that department," Finn replied, grinning at the thought.

"Ew. I meant physically as in the idea that we're going to be spend long amounts of time at jewelry stores. I can't have you whining about being bored or tired like you do when we go clothes shopping for you."

"That's because you drag me from store to store. We're just going to Puck's jewelry store, I won't get tired."

"You really think that's what this is? You just go get a ring? I bet you think there's only a few styles too," Kurt replied, one hand across his chest supporting his other arm as it waved in the air.

That was _exactly_ what Finn had thought, but he wasn't about to tell Kurt that since his little foray into the jewelry store had proven him wrong. "Fine. What do I have to do?"

"Let's start with the basics. I assume you've set aside at least three month's salary?" Kurt queried.

Finn nodded, glad he knew that much. Dropping one of her not so subtle hints, Rachel had started watching _Platinum Weddings _before bed, reading aloud the tips that were shown on screen to him. "More actually."

Kurt's eyes lit up. "Excellent. I took the liberty of taking a peek at your tax return from last year when I was at your apartment, just so I'd have an idea of what we're working with."

"Kurt, what the hell? You looked at my tax return?" Finn cried.

"Relax. Rachel showed it to me when we were discussing ring designs." He moved over to the board closest to Finn, the one labeled _The Four C's._ "Now let's move onto the ring itself. You'll notice that I've placed several boards around the room. We'll start with _The Four C's_ of buying a diamond, otherwise known as cut, clarity, color and carat, before moving onto the board I've cunningly called _Does size matter?_ Finally, we'll take a look at rings Rachel likes."

"_Does size matter?_" Finn read aloud, interested. He _knew _it. He'd totally always wondered about that and it had been a consistent topic at the poker table over the years. It had never really been an issue for him, but he'd be curious to know what the official answer was, since he doubted that Puck's declaration that women want a sausage not a cocktail frank was a confirmed scientific fact, no matter what Puck said.

"Get your mind out of the gutter, Finn. It refers to the size of the diamond, _not _male genitalia. Although in both cases, I think the answer's the same."

"So what's the answer?" Finn asked, wanting to report back to the poker table.

"Patience, Finn. You'll find out the answer when I say you're ready to move onto that board. For now, let's start with the various types of cuts." He pulled another board out from behind the first board, this one showing various cuts of diamonds. He pointed to the first one. "Now, this one here is the traditional round cut, which incidentally is the one favored by Rachel and worn by stars like Natalie Portman and Brooklyn Decker. Next, we have the princess cut-"

"Wait, if the round stone is the one Rachel likes, why are we wasting time with the others?" Finn demanded, more than ready to just go out and buy a round stone ring.

"Rachel only _favors _it. She's not married to it." He paused, chuckling at his little joke. "She likes other ones too, depending on the setting."

"Oh. What difference does the setting make?"

"Don't ask stupid questions, Finn," Kurt snapped, annoyed at having been interrupted. He'd been waiting for _months _to do this and wasn't about to let Finn ruin it for him. "I hope you're taking notes, Finn. I have test prepared for when we're done. You'd better score perfect on it because then and only then, will you be ready to go into a jewelry store. Now getting back to the cuts. Next we have the Princess-"

Finn sighed, leaning back onto the couch. This was going to be a _long_ day.

* * *

><p>"You're finally home!" Rachel called out in greeting from living room when she heard Finn's voice greeting Vlad in the hallway. "Did you eat? I left you some dinner in the fridge."<p>

"Awesome," Finn called back, making a beeline for the kitchen, Vlad hot on his heels. He was _starving._ He put the plate in the microwave, impatiently staring and willing the food to heat faster as he banged a fork and knife against the counter in a standard drumbeat.

Stupid Kurt and his stupid boards. Kurt had refused to let him take a break and eat, claiming he hadn't shown sufficient enough progress to have a break, which resulted in Finn breaking one of Kurt's boards. _That _had resulted in Kurt calling Carole to let her know that not only had Finn neglected to let her know he was planning on asking Rachel to marry him, but that Finn was the one who'd broken Carole's beloved Waterford vase when he'd thrown a football at Kurt and missed.

Kurt's deliberate attempts to get Carole mad at Finn backfired, since Carole heard nothing after _asking Rachel_ and _marry. _Finn had grinned at first, until he realized that it meant Carole wanted to talk to him. Nonstop.

He'd had to listen to his mother crying on the phone the entire way home, offering her ring every other sentence. To top it all off, he'd only scored an 82 on Kurt's test, which meant he wasn't allowed to go within ten feet of a jewelry store according to Kurt, who'd quickly pointed out that _Burt_ had scored a 98 when he'd taken it. As a result, Kurt had given him _homework._

The microwave finally dinged, causing Finn to stop drumming as he yanked his food out and headed for the living room. He paused at the doorway, shoveling food in his mouth. Rachel was lounging on the couch; her eyes glued to the TV, watching _Access Hollywood_ discuss the latest celebrity wedding. "Hey babe."

"Shh! I want to hear this."

Carefully, he settled down next to Rachel on the couch, balancing his plate on his lap as Vlad jumped in between them, rubber steak in mouth. He glanced at the screen and back at Rachel, who was staring at the screen mesmerized. The reporter was currently talking about the engagement and wedding rings the stars had chosen, so maybe he could get some information.

Rachel gasped when she saw the ring, a stunning emerald cut flanked by yellow diamonds on either side. Finn stared at it, trying to apply anything from Kurt's boards to the ring and coming up empty.

"Are they serious? He paid $650,000 for a ring?" Finn commented between bites.

"Finn, it's seventeen carats!" Rachel exclaimed. "That's a really big ring. It must be really heavy."

"Oh. That's not normal?"

"If your incredibly rich maybe. When I worked at _Maquillage,_ I tried on a three carat ring for an article. I think that's a perfect size."

Finn nodded, storing that information away for whenever Kurt let him go shopping.

Almost as if he knew Finn was thinking about him, Finn's cell phone beeped, announcing a text from Kurt.

**_Taking tomorrow off. Will be at your office at 7:30 sharp. Bring wallet and any ideas you have._**

730? Was Kurt insane? _He_ wouldn't even be at his office at 7:30 sharp! Quickly, he texted Kurt back.

**_No way. I don't even get to the office until 9. Why don't you just come at lunch time?_**

The response came quickly, earning the attention of Rachel. "Who are you texting?"

Finn glanced down at the response, rolling his eyes as he answered. "Kurt."

**_Finn, this is important. What's the big deal about coming in at 7:30? And no to the lunch plan b/c we have to meet Carole at the train station at 12._**

Crap. His mom was now involved. He _knew_ he shouldn't have asked Kurt for help. Just for that, he typed back a response sure to piss Kurt off and gross him out.

**_The big deal is that at 7:30 I plan on getting some hot shower sex._**

As he'd expected, his phone was silent for a while, which he assumed meant that Kurt was bitching to Blaine about him. The silence allowed him to clean up his dinner, walk Vlad, and even commence a mini make-out session with Rachel.

They'd just gotten to the good stuff when his phone went off again. And again. And again.

He sighed against Rachel's chest, wondering _how_ Kurt always knew when he was about to get lucky. _He_ certainly didn't have that intuition about Kurt, nor did he want it.

Rachel climbed out from under him, adjusting her shirt. "I'm going to take a bath anyway. You're welcome to join me, if you want."

Finn grinned, thinking of the images he'd had earlier of Rachel in a bathtub. "I'll be there in a minute."

"Don't be too long." She smiled coyly at him as she sauntered off. Finn stared dumbly after her, sorely tempted to forget about Kurt and his text messages.

Once Rachel was out of his line of vision, he snapped back to reality, knowing that if he ignored Kurt's texts, he'd start calling in a few minutes or worse, show up _here_ at 7:30 tomorrow morning. Sighing he opened the first message.

**_I'm going to ignore that. But just so you know, I will be outside your office at 9AM sharp._**

Rolling his eyes, he moved onto the next one, from Mike.

**_Check it out! Video proof of Puck crying like a baby! He claims it was allergies._**

Chuckling, he watched the video Mike sent. Allergies, his ass. He _knew_ Puck wouldn't be able to eat those wings. He scrolled onto the next message.

**_Wear your dark gray Kenneth Cole with navy (that's blue, Finn) shirt and tie tomorrow. I won't have you looking poor when we shop._**

He rolled his eyes yet again. He wasn't _that_ stupid. He'd taken his fair share of abuse at the office for his expensive suits, since everyone thought he was high maintenance and a metrosexual, but in all honesty, every suit he owned had been personally picked out by Kurt. Even when Rachel came on the scene, Kurt had refused to relinquish dressing rights to Rachel, claiming she couldn't dress herself, let alone Finn.

Refusing to answer Kurt, he headed off into the bathroom. Rachel was stretched out in the tub, her eyes closed while her left hand rested on the ledge. He grinned, picturing that hand wearing his ring.

"Are you coming in?" she asked without opening her eyes, snapping Finn out of his reverie.

"Oh, yeah."

Rachel opened her eyes in time to watch him shed his clothes, sitting up in anticipation. She scooted forward in the tub, making room for him. Gingerly he stepped in, wishing for the thousandth time that they had a bigger bathtub. Rachel may be able to stretch out, but he most definitely couldn't. It took a bit of maneuvering on both their parts before Rachel was able to lie back against him.

"Next apartment we get must have a huge bathtub," he grumbled. "I'm sick of folding myself in here with you."

"I agree," Rachel replied, turning her head to look at him. "Did you talk to your mom today?"

"What? How did you know she called?" Finn stammered nervously.

"She called last night when we were out, remember?"

"Oh, right," Finn replied relieved that Rachel didn't know why he'd spoken to his mother. "She wants us out there for dinner on Saturday for Burt's birthday, along with your dads."

This information was unknown to everybody, including his mother, but he'd tell her tomorrow.

"Finn! It's already Wednesday! I didn't even get a birthday present for Burt yet!" Rachel fretted.

"So? It's not like Saturday's his actual birthday. It's not until the Tuesday after," Finn pointed out, not needing to be reminded about what day of the week it was.

His whole proposal plan hinged on one thing, something that should have arrived in the mail two days ago. He'd ordered it last week and even paid for the express delivery, only to find out that the spelling was wrong. He'd sent it back, and once again paid for the rush delivery. The only problem was; it _still_ hadn't come. He was trying hard not to panic, but he only had two more workdays left, and since he was having it sent to the office, it was kind of imperative that it came within the next two days.

"True. Maybe I'll go shopping with Kurt tomorrow."

"No, he's busy tomorrow," Finn replied without thinking.

"Really? How do you know that?"

"He just texted me. We were going to have…lunch. We were going to have lunch, but he…canceled because he's busy," Finn stammered. Knowing Rachel was going to want to know why Kurt was so busy, he tried to think of something to distract her. His mind came up empty, so decided to distract Rachel the same way she always distracted him: with sex. Slowly, he let one hand drag down Rachel's arm while the other turned her head towards him. "I don't want to talk about Kurt anymore."

He brought his lips down to hers, letting his tongue work its way into Rachel's mouth while his hands got busy working their magic on her chest. He smiled against her mouth, knowing he'd successfully distracted her when he heard a soft mewl escape her mouth.

"Yo, Hudson, the fuck are you?"

Puck's voice rang out about two seconds before Puck himself appeared in the open doorway of the master bathroom. "Aww, am I interrupting Cuddle Time? Where's your rubber duckies?"

Finn and Rachel both jumped at the noise. They'd been so engrossed in each other that they hadn't heard Vlad's growls as the door opened, nor had they heard Puck come down the hall into the bedroom and then their bathroom. Quickly, Finn scrambled to use his hands to cover Rachel's chest, realizing too late that her lower area was still uncovered. He decided to wrap his arm around her chest, using his other hand to cover Rachel's lady parts.

"_Noah!"_ Rachel screeched, trying to reach for the shower curtain by her feet and maintain the coverage Finn was offering her at the same time. "Get out!"

"Dude, don't you knock?" Finn cried; trying valiantly to keep Rachel covered.

"I did knock. I can't help it if you two are so horny that you didn't hear it." He strolled into the bathroom, closing the toilet lid and sitting down, either blissfully unaware of how much his presence wasn't wanted in the bathroom, or else just not caring. "Didn't think you'd be one to go bare down there, Berry. Can you lean back a little? I'm getting a little too familiar with Finn Jr."

"Noah, _get out_!" Rachel screamed, throwing the first thing she could get her hands on, which happened to be a small bottle of body wash. She took aim, letting it fly towards Noah, who ducked a second too late causing him to get hit on the cheek. "_Get out_!"

"The fuck, Berry?" Noah exclaimed as another bottle flew towards his head. He jumped off the toilet, ducking yet another bottle. "It's not like I've never seen boobs before. I'm more concerned with seeing Finn's fucking twig and berries, which by the way are on view again."

"Dude, just get out!" Finn cried, unable to throw anything at Puck without exposing Rachel. She seemed to doing just fine on her own, launching everything she could get her hands on at Puck, who finally took the hint and headed towards the door.

"_Fine_. I'll be waiting outside."

Rachel waited until the door shut before turning as best she could in Finn's arms to bury her face in his chest. "I'm humiliated _again_."

"It's not like he's never caught us before. Remember the kitchen counter when we first started dating? Or that time he was watching the movie with us and caught you with your hand in my pants?" Finn pointed out, kissing her head for reassurance. "Or when we went on vacation together? And don't forget the night we got back together."

"Yes, but we were dressed, or at least in our undergarments those times. And the night we got back together, he only heard us, he didn't_ see_ us. We're _naked_, Finn. He's _never_ going to let us forget it." She stood up, giving Finn an excellent view of her ass as she reached for a towel and wrapped it around herself, climbing out at the same time. "Of all people to catch us. Why did we give him a key?"

"_You two better not be getting freaky in there! I'm fucking waiting out here!"_

She held out a towel for him. "Better get out before he comes charging back in here and sees you on full display, Finn."

Obediently Finn stood, accepting the towel Rachel offered, smirking when he noticed Rachel checking him out. He wasn't _too_ upset about being caught, so long as it didn't happen Saturday night after they were engaged. He had plans, big plans, for after Rachel got her ring and if Puck ruined them, Finn would be throwing a lot worse than a shampoo bottle at him.

Rachel dropped her towel, replacing it with her bathrobe. She waited until Finn had his towel securely wrapped around him before opening the door and stomping past Noah, who was currently sitting on her side of the bed, holding Vlad's newspaper above the little Chihuahua's head while Vlad growled at him.

"The fuck's your problem?" Noah asked as Rachel slammed the bureau drawers shut, getting pajamas for herself and Finn.

"Out, Noah." She pointed to the bedroom door, one hand on her hip.

"Fuck no. I've got important business with Finn." He stretched out on the bed, placing his hands behind his head. Rachel huffed before storming past Finn and slamming the bathroom door shut behind her.

"Dude, what the hell?" Finn asked, pulling on a pair of boxers under his towel.

"I think Vlad needs to go out," Puck replied.

Finn glanced at Vlad, who was snoozing peacefully on Finn's pillow, his newspaper next to him. "He's fine. Why the hell are you here cockblocking me?"

"I really think Vlad needs to go out," Puck responded cryptically.

"Dude, he's f-" Finn started to insist, stopping when he saw Puck hold up his left hand and point to his ring finger.

Finn understood immediately, throwing on jeans, sneakers and a t-shirt before knocking on the closed bathroom door. "Hey babe? Vlad needs to go bye-byes, so I'm gonna take him out."

"Take Noah with you!" Rachel called back.

Finn grabbed a sleeping Vlad off his pillow, quickly making his way through the apartment, making sure to grab Vlad's leash on the way out the door, Puck following closely behind.

He waited until they were safely in the elevator to question Puck. "What's going on?"

"Bye-byes?" Puck smirked in response.

"Shut up. That's the word Rachel trained him with, so that's the word he knows. Now what's going on?"

"You tell me. Why the fuck did I not know you were officially planning to hand over your balls to Berry?" Puck demanded as he followed Finn and Vlad out of the elevator and outside.

Finn sighed as he placed Vlad on the ground. The Chihuahua seemed confused as to why he was outside and not sleeping on a comfy pillow, promptly parking himself on the ground and refusing to move. "No one was supposed to know until Rachel did. Artie and Mike only found out because I forgot about the bet. Where's my hundred bucks by the way?"

"Fuck you," Puck muttered as he pulled out his wallet. "I come over to help you and all you can do is demand my money?"

"Yup," Finn replied, pocketing the money. "Now seriously, why are you here?"

"If you're going to insist on being chained to Berry for the rest of your life, I thought you'd like to know that my uncle just got the first of a new line of engagement rings. If you want, stop by the Fifth Avenue store and you can see the styles before they're available. There's one in particular that screams Berry. When are you gonna do it?"

"Saturday at my parent's house, if the thing I'm waiting for finally comes," Finn replied. "I was planning on going ring shopping tomorrow, no matter what Kurt says."

"What's Kurt got to do with it?" Puck asked curiously.

"I failed my diamond cuts and styles test, so I'm technically not allowed to go within ten feet of a jewelry store," Finn muttered. "Shut up! It's not funny!"

Puck doubled over laughing. "Hummel gave you a fucking test?"

"Yeah. Not only that, he's going to be at my office tomorrow at 9AM and then he's coming shopping with me _and_ bringing my mom."

Puck gave a low whistle. "No backing out then. Berry putting the screws on you to get engaged is really going to impact me. Once Q sees Rachel's ring, she's gonna want one."

"So get her one. Just don't do it before Saturday."

"Fuck no. Quinn may have gotten me to stop dating other women, but I'm not _there_ yet."

Finn shrugged. "_There _is an awesome place to be. I usually go to lunch around 12. Will that work?"

"Sounds good to me. Just make sure you're wearing clothes next time I see you," Puck replied smirking, as he held out a hand, hailing a cab. "Gotta go _bye-byes_. See you tomorrow."

Finn watched him go, wondering how someone so infuriating could be one of his best friends at the same time.

Vlad must have decided he'd had enough, because he stood on his hind legs, scratching at Finn to be picked up. Finn obliged, heading back up to the apartment and a still furious Rachel.

"What did he want that was so important that he needed to storm into our bathroom? Honestly, he can be so rude," Rachel said crossly, sitting on the bed and brushing her hair with great force.

"He's not so bad," Finn replied, peeling off his clothes. He pulled back the blankets, climbing in as Rachel did the same next to him.

"He barged into my bathroom and saw me naked!" Rachel cried, letting herself be pulled towards Finn, who wrapped his arms around her as he kissed her temple repeatedly. He could feel her relaxing with each kiss, so he continued kissing her temple until she snuggled into him, a sign she was no longer angry.

"I know, baby, but at least we weren't actually having sex. You know he would have tried to critique us or give us a score," Finn pointed out. "Besides, I don't think he saw that much."

Rachel turned in his arms to stare at him in disbelief. "He commented on my _bikini wax_."

Finn waggled his eyebrows. "That's cause it looks awesome. Any chance I could see it?"

"Are you kidding? Noah just walked in on us naked and you still want to have sex? I don't think so." She turned back, facing away from him.

"Fine. Night, baby." He kissed the back of her head, not _too_ upset about getting shot down.

After all, at this time on Saturday night, he'd be getting all the engaged sex he wanted.

He couldn't wait.

* * *

><p>"Round, Emerald, Oval, Pear, Princess, Heart, Asscher, Radiant, Cushion cut," Finn recited to Kurt as they sat outside Penn Station waiting for their mother. "Want a hot dog?"<p>

"No. What else?" Kurt demanded.

"Diamonds are graded for clarity, F being perfect," he continued.

"Very good. What about color?"

"We're looking for one rated G through I, D is the highest and most valuable. Can I get a hot dog now?"

"No. Now what does Rachel like?"

"Round is the cut Rachel favors, followed by princess and emerald. Nothing less than three carats, and no side stones because it takes away from the main stone, she feels. _Now_ can I get a hot dog?"

"Fine. Go get your stupid hot dog. I don't know how you can eat those things," Kurt snapped.

Not needing to be told twice, Finn took off towards the hot dog vendor, anxious to get away from Kurt.

As promised, Kurt had appeared in his office at 9AM, new charts and diagrams in hand, setting them up around Finn's office. Finn attempted to ignore him, starting his workday, but Kurt was undeterred, simply conducting his boot camp in between phone calls and meetings. Realizing resistance was futile, Finn gave in and started paying attention, finally passing Kurt's stupid test, although he still hadn't surpassed Burt's score.

He may have passed Kurt's test, but that certainly didn't stop Kurt from grilling Finn as they waited for Carole. Fortunately, Finn was holding his own, which was why he was allowed to go get a hot dog.

"Hey Kurt? What do you think I should do if it doesn't arrive?" he asked as he settled back on the ledge Kurt was perched on, hot dog in hand.

He'd had to tell Kurt his proposal idea, since Kurt watched him tear frantically through his mail, hoping his package had arrived and asked him what was wrong. He'd reluctantly shown Kurt his idea on the computer, expecting Kurt to say it was stupid or unromantic. To his surprise, Kurt had thoroughly approved, offering some advice about how to fine tune it.

"It'll arrive tomorrow, I'm sure. If it doesn't, we'll think of something else tomorrow night. Or you could just wait," Kurt suggested. "Honestly, I don't know how you could eat those things."

"No. I'm not waiting. Too many people know now. Besides, I think I've waited long enough," Finn said firmly, finishing off his hot dog. "Oh, Mom's here."

"Finny!" Carole cried, ignoring Kurt and throwing herself in her son's arms. "I can't believe you're engaged!"

"I'm not engaged yet, Mom," Finn replied, hugging his mother. "I have to get a ring first and Rachel still has to say yes."

"She'll say yes," Carole declared. "And as for a ring, what are we waiting for? Let's go, Kurt."

Kurt nodded eagerly, linking arms with Carole, who grabbed Finn's arm pulling him along with them as they walked the two blocks over to Fifth Avenue. He listened as they excitedly discussed ring designs and the actual proposal, making him wonder who was getting engaged, him or Kurt.

"You ok, Finny?" Carole asked. "You're very quiet."

"I'm fine, Mom." He placed an arm around Carole's shoulders, more than ready to take the second step to making Rachel his wife.

* * *

><p>"How about this one?"<p>

"Nope, that's not it," Finn declared firmly. Kurt shook his head in disgust, since Finn just rejected yet another one of Kurt's choices. They'd been at Puckerman's for over an hour and had yet find _the_ ring. Finn wasn't totally sure what he wanted, but he knew what Rachel wanted and he knew he'd know the ring when he saw it. So far, none of the rings were screaming "_Rachel_" to him.

Kurt had immediately launched into bossy shopper mode, demanding the attention of a salesperson, commandeering several chairs and even getting the salesperson to bring them champagne. He'd rejected several rings immediately, declaring he was ready to walk out of here if they weren't going to be taken seriously. Finn was strongly reminded of the shopping scene in _Pretty_ _Woman_, the one where Richard Gere has the whole store at his beck and call. They'd even had to switch salesgirls after the first one burst into tears after Kurt declared her incompetent.

"Bout fucking time you got here, Hudson. Hey Hummel. Mrs. Hummel, you're looking lovely as always," Puck greeted the three of them as he came out of the back, a box in his hands.

Finn rolled his eyes at Puck's altered behavior around his mother. He was a model of perfect behavior, making his mother think he was _such a nice boy_. While his mother often chastised Finn for his mouth, Puck's cursing was excused, since he could do no wrong in her eyes, ever since he'd gotten Finn and Rachel back together.

"Hello, Puck. I guess you've heard the wonderful news?" Carole bubbled, still incredibly excited about the engagement.

"I did. I stopped by during bath time last night to talk to Finn about it." He smirked at the memory as he placed the box on the counter.

"Where are these new rings you were telling me about last night?" Finn asked, anxious to get Puck away from the subject of what he'd seen last night. Given his mother's affection for Puck, he could probably tell her exactly what he'd seen Finn and Rachel doing last night and his mother would probably yell at _him_ for not being dressed when Puck came over, rather than Puck for barging in.

"Right here. Like I said, some of them _scream_ Berry." He opened the box, revealing the rings inside. Carole and Kurt both gasped when they saw them. Finn's eyes fell on one in particular, feeling as if a light was shining down on it.

"That one. I want to see that one," Finn demanded.

"Told you," Puck replied as he handed Finn the ring.

It was _perfect_. The large round stone was set on a thin eternity band, making the ring look like an endless circle of smaller diamonds underneath the one large stone. The ring sparkled as he held it up, turning it all different ways to examine it. The ring was gorgeous and he knew Rachel would love it. Best of all, it was one he could totally picture Rachel wearing forever. "This is it."

Carole started tearing as he held it up. "Oh, _Finny_."

Beside her, speechless and just as teary-eyed, Kurt nodded in agreement.

The salesgirl clapped excitedly and even Puck nodded; a smile on his face. "That ring is from our new collection. It's 3.5 carats set in platinum. I think it'll be Berry approved."

Finn smiled, thinking of what Rachel's reaction would be when she saw it. He knew she was going to _love_ it.

"What's her ring size?" the salesgirl asked.

"Uh, here." Finn handed over one of Rachel's rings, glad Kurt had made him steal it as part of his Engagement Boot Camp homework. His other homework, writing a speech to recite as he proposed, wasn't going so well. He'd tried thinking of things to say as he lay in bed last night, but he'd forgotten everything when he'd woken up this morning.

The salesgirl smiled at Finn. "Looks like this was meant to be your ring. It's exactly the right size. We can box it up for you right now."

Finn smiled back as he handed her his credit card, trying not to notice the price.

"Here you go," she announced as she handed him a small jewelry bag. "Congratulations!"

"Yeah, man. Congratulations. You deserve it, taking on Berry full time," Puck added.

Carole said nothing, simply hugging her son tightly, while Kurt did the same.

Finn hugged them back, slightly shell shocked. He'd just bought an engagement ring. This was really happening.

He had the ring, now all he needed was to finish his proposal speech and get his stupid package and he'd be all set for Saturday.

* * *

><p>Finn sat at his desk, trying desperately to write his proposal speech. Why was this so hard? He knew how he felt about Rachel, so it should be easy to write it down.<p>

Wrong.

Everything he wrote just seemed _stupid_ and it definitely didn't seem like those big speeches the guy gives the girl in the movie. He knew that's what Rachel would want and he was determined to give her that.

Rachel hadn't been home when he'd gotten home yesterday, so he'd tried using Rachel's technique of reading out loud to Vlad, seeing if he liked what he'd written once he'd gotten back from ring shopping. Ever helpful, Vlad had simply yawned and stretched, abandoning Finn to nap in his castle.

He'd been distracted by the ring's journey with his mom, worrying that something would happen to it. They'd all agreed that the ring couldn't go home with Finn, since Rachel's heightened wedding sense was bound to know there was an engagement ring in the apartment as soon as she walked in, so it was decided that it would be best to send it home with Carole. He'd stressed the whole way home until he'd gotten a call from this mother letting him know that the ring had arrived safe and sound. Rachel had come home soon after, and he'd been unable to work on the speech for the rest of the night.

Which was why he was sitting at his desk today, trying to figure out what to write. Maybe he should use a poem? He opened the internet, googling "proposal speeches." He started sifting through the websites, quickly realizing that they were all really cheesy.

Clearly, he was on his own. He was the only one who could tell Rachel exactly what she meant to him. He glanced at a picture of them on his desk. It had been taken at a New Year's Eve party Mike and Tina had thrown. Rachel, a _Happy New Year_ tiara on her head, had her arms wrapped around Finn's shoulders from behind as they both smiled for the camera. He smiled at the memory of that night.

Inspired, he began to write.

"Mail's here," his secretary announced, interrupting Finn as he strolled in and handed Finn his mail.

"Awesome!" His speech forgotten, he jumped up. Eagerly, Finn tore through the stack, stopping when he got to one envelope in particular.

It was here.

He tore open the envelope, checking the contents. This time it was perfect.

He was ready.

* * *

><p>"We're here!" Finn called as he walked into his parent's backyard. No one was outside, so he headed into the kitchen, Rachel and Vlad following closely behind.<p>

They were obviously the last ones here, since his mom, Burt, Kurt, Blaine, Hiram and LeRoy were all gathered around the kitchen table talking. The talking stopped as soon as they walked in, making Finn positive that they were talking about the proposal.

Rachel didn't seem to notice anything, since she placed Vlad on the ground and went over to hug her fathers. Finn watched closely, hoping Hiram wouldn't give anything away. To his relief, Hiram seemed normal, as did everyone else.

"I'm going to go put our bags in our rooms, Finn," Rachel announced.

"Finn, we saw the ring. It's just perfect," Hiram babbled as soon as Rachel was out of earshot.

"Where is it? And does everyone know what to do?" Finn asked, relieved when everyone nodded. His mother handed him the ring box and he quickly shoved it in the pocket of the sweatshirt he was holding. "Just act totally normal."

Rachel came back down just then. "Are we playing Uno? Because I'm about to pass Finn in the standings, so I'm excited to see my name at the top of the leader board."

"You're not gonna pass me," Finn replied, smiling.

"That's what you think," Rachel called over her shoulder, dragging Kurt and Blaine outside. Hiram, LeRoy and Carole all followed, leaving Burt alone with Finn.

The older man placed a hand on Finn's shoulder. "You ready? You got your diploma from Kurt?"

Finn rolled his eyes. "I failed the written test, but yes, I'm ready. I've been ready for a while."

He pulled something out of his pocket showing it to Burt. "What do you think?"

"I thought it was perfect as soon as your mom told me about it. She's gonna love it."

"I hope so. I thought it was a cute way to propose." He glanced out the window, a smile on his face as he watched Rachel talking with his mom, laughing at something she'd said.

Burt followed his gaze. "She's a keeper. I said that as soon as I saw you two together that first weekend. Your mom's thrilled, she's been planning the wedding since that weekend, you know."

Finn chuckled. "I know."

"I remember proposing to your mom and to my first wife. Forgot what I was going to say both times, but it doesn't matter. All that matters is you and her."

"Finn! Come on! Are you ready?" Rachel called from outside.

"Well? You ready?" Burt asked.

"Yup." Finn walked outside, Burt following behind.

This was it.

* * *

><p>"Oh good. Finn brought out the cards," Rachel announced, looking at Finn's hands. She pointed to the chair across from her. "Sit and deal, Finn."<p>

Finn glanced at the chair. This wouldn't do. In order for his plan to work, he had to be sitting next to Rachel, who currently had his mother on one side, and Kurt on the other. Not about to kick his mother out of her chair, he opted for Kurt, yanking him out of his chair by his designer shirt, ignoring Kurt's protests. He placed the sweatshirt containing his ring behind him on the chair.

"Finn! That's not nice!" Rachel chided. "Although I'm flattered you want to sit next to me." She leaned over to give him a kiss. Finn responded eagerly, thinking it might be their last one as boyfriend/girlfriend.

"Enough making out, let's play," Kurt interrupted from his new seat on the other side of Finn. "Are you ready, Finn?"

Finn fingered the deck of cards in front of him. To Rachel, this looked like any other deck of Uno cards, but everyone else at the table knew otherwise. While all the standard Uno cards were there, there was one extra card. In addition to the Draw Fours, Skips, Draw Twos and Reverses, this deck now contained a card that read _Rachel, will you marry me?_ He'd found it on the internet one day while searching for a trick poker deck to use on Puck, and the second he'd found this company that would print any type of Uno cards, he knew it was the perfect way to propose.

"Finn?" Kurt prompted.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm ready." Finn gulped. This was the hand. Trying to control his trembling hands, he shuffled all the cards, keeping track of his special card. Carefully he dealt the cards, trying to figure out the best moment to do it. Should he put the card down right away and get it over with? Or should he wait?

He picked up his cards, shuffling through them and intending to hide_ the_ card behind his other cards.

It wasn't there.

Shit. Shit. _Shit._ Where the hell was it? He'd purposely dealt it to himself. Frantically, he shuffled through his cards again, hoping he'd missed it the first time. No such luck. Which meant only one thing.

Someone else had it.

But who? He couldn't exactly ask with Rachel sitting right there. He snuck a glance at her out of the corner of his eye. He was fairly sure she didn't have it, since she was sorting her cards, a normal reaction on her face. He glanced around the table. Everyone else seemed to have normal looks on their faces too, which meant the card could be in the draw pile. Either that or somebody had a _damn_ good poker face on right now. He could feel the panic rising in him. He needed to find that card and _fast_.

Which meant Rachel had to go.

"Babe? Can you go get my jacket upstairs?" he asked, trying to sound casual.

"You have a sweatshirt on the back of your chair," Rachel pointed out.

Damn.

"I…I don't want this one. Kurt says I look stupid in it."

"So? Since when has that ever stopped you before?" She looked around the group. "Are we ready to play?"

"No!" Finn cried. "Baby, please? This one sucks."

"_Fine. _You're lucky I have to go to the bathroom anyway." She threw her cards down on the table as she pushed her chair back and stormed off into the house.

Finn jumped up, waiting until he heard her stomping up the stairs. "Ok, who has it?" he hissed as he stomped back to the table.

"Have what?" Blaine asked, looking up from his cards.

"This isn't funny. Someone has it." He grabbed Rachel's cards, relieved to see that his suspicions had been right. She didn't have it.

He looked up to see _LeRoy _of all people holding out a card. "Son, I know gay marriage is now legal in New York and I'm flattered, but I think you're a little young for me. I do know a girl who might be interested though."

Shit. He'd just proposed to LeRoy.

Mortified, he took the card, placing it securely among his own just as Rachel came back outside, holding his jacket. "Here. I still don't see why you couldn't just wear the sweatshirt on your chair."

"Thanks, babe." He leaned over to kiss her temple. "We waited for you to start. I dealt, so it's your turn."

"Oh." She placed a yellow nine down, letting the game move onto Carole. His mind raced wondering once again when to put the card down. He needed to make a decision soon. It was almost his turn.

He made up his mind to do it and get it over with, placing his fingers on the card, ready to put it down as soon as Kurt put his card down.

"Skip."

"Rac-" he started and then paused. _What the hell?_ Kurt, who'd been in on this plan from the beginning, had just _skipped _him?

He threw a nasty glance at Kurt, throwing in a good elbow jab as Rachel placed a card down. Ok, he could do this. He'd regroup and just put the card down next time.

Once again, it was almost his turn. Just Hiram, then Kurt, then him. He watched anxiously as Hiram put his card down. "Reverse."

As Puck would say; what. The. Fuck.

Were they _trying _to kill him? Because if they were, they were doing a pretty damn good job. The game was now going _backwards_, which meant Rachel would put down a card before he would. He couldn't put_ the_ card down until the order was switched, or else he'd be asking Kurt to marry him.

He_ really_ didn't want to marry Kurt.

He eyed the table, begging someone, _anyone_ to reverse the order. No one did, the bastards. Nervously, he shuffled through his cards, more to do something with his hands than anything else.

Hold on.

He had a green Reverse.

He didn't need them to change it, he could change it himself. And the best part was; he could do it this turn, since the cards being played were currently green.

Rachel smiled at him as she placed her card down. "Sorry, babe, but I don't a choice. And I'm making it red."

Draw Four.

She'd given him a fucking Draw Four and made him lose his turn, effectively ruining his chance to change the rotation. Frustrated, he picked up four cards, watching the cards being put down by Kurt, Hiram, Blaine, LeRoy, and Burt, none of whom put down a Reverse.

Ok, not a problem. His mom had just put down a green two, all he had to do wait for Rachel to put her card down and he was home free.

"Draw Four, Finn. And blue."

His mouth dropped open. She'd made him lose his turn _again. _Did she _not _want to be proposed to?

The game made it all the way back to Burt before Finn's luck changed.

Finn had never been gladder his mother had married Burt than when he saw his step-father put down a Reverse. The game was heading back his way, and this time he was ready, nothing could screw it up.

Except for Kurt.

"Draw Two, Finn."

"Kurt! What the fuck, man? How could you do that to me?" Finn asked angrily as he took two cards. This was _unbelievable_. Here he was, ready to propose, and he had yet to put a card down, let alone the card asking her to marry him.

"Finn! Language!" Rachel chided as she placed a card down. "Besides, Kurt blocking you is a good thing for _me_."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that," Finn muttered. If it wasn't for his stupid brother, he could've been engaged already and Rachel would be wearing the ring that he'd been waiting to give her.

The ring.

Where did he put it? Oh God, had he remembered to even bring it outside? He patted his pockets frantically before he remembered that he'd put it in the pocket of the sweatshirt on his chair so Rachel wouldn't feel it if she hugged him.

The whereabouts of the ring being settled, he leaned over to whisper lowly in Kurt's ear. "I swear to God, if you put down _anything_ other than a numbered card, I will personally see to it that you're not involved in _any_ aspect of the wedding planning."

"You wouldn't do that," Kurt whispered back.

"Put down that Draw Two I know you have and find out," Finn threatened.

The game came around to Kurt, who hesitated before choosing a card and placing it on the pile.

A red six.

This was it. He was really about to propose. Hiram and Burt both discreetly pulled out video cameras, not wanting to miss a moment.

His hands shaking slightly, he pulled out _the_ card and placed it on the pile, waiting to see Rachel's reaction.

Rachel, intent on sorting her cards, didn't notice at first. Nor did she notice Kurt pulling out his phone and recording her.

"Rachel, I think it's your turn," Carole prompted, seeing as Finn was unable to talk.

"Oh, is it? I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. What did you put down, Finn?" she asked, her eyes focused on her own cards and _still_ not looking at the damn card he'd put down.

"Look and see," Finn said quietly, reaching for the ring box behind him and pushing his chair back.

"What's the big deal? Why couldn't you just say-" She stopped mid-sentence, her eyes wide as she picked up the card. Clutching it in her hand, she turned to stare at Finn. "Finny?"

Finn took her hand in his, pulling her out of her chair. Her free hand came up to cover her mouth, still clutching the _Will you marry me_ card. "I need to ask you a question, Rachel."

Huh. He should propose more often, since it seemed to have rendered Rachel speechless. Slowly, he got down on one knee, holding out the unopened ring box, prepared to recite the speech he'd spent _days_ working on. He opened his mouth, ready to start.

Nothing.

Holy shit. He forgot his speech. He _forgot_ his speech. The speech that was supposed to show Rachel how much she meant to him. How he never wanted to live without her. How he loved every moment he spent with her. What the hell was he supposed to say now?

He stared up at her, her eyes following his every movement, waiting for him to speak, and he suddenly realized that it didn't matter. Burt was right. It didn't matter that Kurt kept cockblocking him tonight or that he forgot his speech. What mattered was that he was here with Rachel. Once again, he looked into her eyes.

"Marry me, Rachel?" he finally blurted out. He barely got the words out before Rachel lunged for him, wrapping her arms around his neck as she knocked him onto his back, kissing his face all over. Her lips finally found his and he kissed her deeply, forgetting that they were being filmed or even that there were other people around.

"My ring. Where's my ring?" she demanded, pulling away from him and standing up. He grinned as he tried to stand up, only to be pushed back down by Rachel. "On your knee."

Obediently, he got back down on one knee, once again holding the box out to Rachel, who happily grabbed it and opened it. She gasped when she saw the ring, her eyes tearing. Smiling, he took the box back from her, reaching for her hand. He was confused for a moment as to why Rachel pulled her hand away, until he realized that he'd grabbed her _right_ hand. She held out her left hand to him, letting him slide the ring onto her finger.

He stood up, pulling Rachel towards him and picking her up once she'd wrapped her arms around his neck. "I love you," he whispered once they were eye level and her legs were securely around his waist.

"I love you too, Finn, _so much_." She pulled his face towards hers, kissing his lips repeatedly and whispering _I love you _between kisses.

Unable to wait any longer, a teary eyed Carole threw herself at the couple, almost knocking Finn over with Rachel in his arms. She squeezed both of them tightly as best she could. "My baby boy's engaged!"

Rachel grinned as she slid down Finn's body. _Engaged. _

She was engaged. _They_ were engaged.

For the first time, she noticed the other occupants of the table watching them. Kurt and Burt were both recording them, as was her father, while her other father was grinning from ear to ear. Blaine stood nearby, already pouring glasses of Champagne.

"Daddy! I'm engaged!" Rachel cried as she hugged her father.

"I know, Princess! I've been dying all week!" Hiram announced.

"You _knew_?" Rachel asked as she moved onto LeRoy.

LeRoy nodded. "Finn came to see us the other day. Almost had a heart attack when I told him no."

"Dad! You didn't!"

"He did. Not only that, you called while I was there," Finn added, accepting a glass of champagne from Blaine and a handshake. "Actually, everyone knew except for you."

Rachel stopped her hugging temporarily to put the pieces together. "That was your special meeting, wasn't it? And I couldn't go shopping with Kurt the other day because you were, right? Was that why Noah came over?"

"Yes, yes, and yes," Finn responded, laughing as his mother hugged him yet again before making a beeline for Rachel.

"Welcome to the family, Rachel! I've always wanted a daughter," Carole blubbered, hugging Rachel tightly.

Kurt joined them. "We get to plan a wedding Rachel!"

"I know!" she squealed, jumping up and down with him.

Burt cleared his throat. "I think we should make a toast."

He cleared his throat. "Several years ago, Finn brought home a girl for the first time ever. I think within a few minutes it was obvious that this girl was different from his other girlfriends, since he'd actually brought her to meet us, but if we weren't sure, it became even more obvious when we played cards. Finn, trying to impress Rachel, sat right there and told her he plays to win. Unbeknownst to him, he'd met his match, since not only did Rachel also announce she plays to win, but she took him _down._ Over the weekend it became clearer that they were made for each other, and I think we've all been waiting for this day since then." He held up his glass, waiting until everyone else did also. "To Rachel and Finn. What the hell took you so long?"

Finn gulped his champagne, wondering that same question.

* * *

><p>"Morning, baby."<p>

Finn awoke to the sight of Rachel straddling him, wearing only her ring as she ground herself against his groin.

As he'd expected, Rachel was more than willing to celebrate their engagement with endless amounts of sex, which he hoped would continue today. Luckily for them, Kurt and Blaine's engagement gift to them was a room at a local hotel, although Kurt claimed it was the gift that keeps on giving since it meant that the rest of the family wouldn't have to hear them celebrating.

His hands came up to rest on her hips, smiling as Rachel admired her ring yet again. "I take it you like your ring?"

Rachel's smile grew even wider and she leaned down to kiss him. "I love it. I already took pictures on my phone and sent it to Tina, Mercedes, Quinn and Brittany."

"So you do want to marry me then?" Finn asked, looking up at Rachel, ready to say something that had been bothering him ever since Kurt had pointed it out last night.

"Of course, I do." Rachel looked down at him. "Why would you even ask?"

"You never said yes. All you said was _my ring. Where's my ring?_" Finn parroted, secretly worrying that she was swayed by the ring.

"Did I?" Rachel laughed, pulling him into a sitting position. "I was so excited."

"Kurt made me write a speech as part of Engagement Boot Camp, but as soon as I was down on one knee, I forgot every word of it," Finn admitted.

Rachel smiled as she slid the ring off and handed it to him. "Ask me again."

He grinned. "You want to be proposed to naked?"

She shrugged. "We've had many of our finer moments naked, so it's only fitting. It would be perfect if Noah walked in right now."

Finn laughed. "In that case, I'd better say this quick." He looked Rachel in the eye as he took a deep breath. "Rachel Barbra Berry, will you marry me?"

"Yes, Finn," Rachel replied smiling as she watched him slip the ring back on. "Always yes."

She threw her arms around his neck, kissing him as she pushed him backwards on the bed. Finn grinned as he felt her start to kiss her way down his body.

His mind traveled back to what he'd told Puck the other night. He was wrong when he'd told Puck that being _there_ in a relationship was awesome.

Being _there_ in a relationship was _amazing._

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: I totally intended my next update to be an update to Serendipity, but BlameSmellycat campaigned for proposal Finchel with a side of Carole. It was funny because I sometimes get confused between my stories, and I had to think for a moment if this Rachel knew Carole before remembering that they'd met over Uno. The second I thought that I was like he's GOT to propose during Uno, and this was the result. Next update WILL be Serendipity. I will not be distracted anymore BlameSmellyCat and Gleeky4LC! :)_**

**_Also, if anyone wants to see Rachel's ring, I posted it on my twitter account mida212_**


	11. Mrs Ponypants Is Invited To Tea

**_Disclaimer: Glee is not mine._**

* * *

><p><em><strong>You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.<br>**__**-Franklin P Jones**_

* * *

><p>"Morning Sexy Momma."<p>

Quinn awoke at the sound of her husband's words in her ear, smiling when she felt his hands start to roam over her body. Eyes still closed, she clutched her pillow closer to her as she murmured, "I'm not a Momma yet."

"Two and a half more months till you are officially a Momma, but you've always been sexy," Puck conceded, running his hand over her large stomach on his way to the fucking awesome rack she'd acquired as a result of the pregnancy.

"Exactly why I should get my sleep now," she replied, playing hard to get. Pregnancy had greatly increased her sex drive, and she found herself wanting it more than her husband, if that was possible. Just because she wanted it, didn't mean she couldn't torment Puck, though.

"_Come on_, it's been like weeks," he moaned, giving her breast a squeeze.

Quinn stilled his hand. "Weeks? We just did it last night when I got home from work remember?"

"That's like way too long ago. I gotta teach my son to be a sex shark like his old man," he murmured, kissing her shoulder.

"Son? What makes you so sure the baby's a boy?" She turned her head, arching an eyebrow. "You could be teaching our daughter to be a sex shark."

"We're _not_ having a girl. I'm not dealing with boyfriends like Abrams and Hudson are gonna have to. It's a boy," Puck predicted confidently. "I've already got his first jersey for each sports team."

"Maybe we should have found out what the baby was," Quinn fretted.

"We don't need some stupid test to tell us what we already know. You know I did the special position that guarantees a boy."

"You can't guarantee anything. Would having a girl be so bad?"

"Fuck yeah. I don't want to have to worry about boys and boys looking at her and wearing the wrong clothes and boys. Plus, girl toys suck." He resumed kissing her shoulder, moving up to her neck.

Quinn, her libido greatly _decreased_ since the start of this conversation, pulled her neck away from him as the one of the more annoying parts of pregnancy hit her, the need to urinate frequently.

"Where are you going?" Puck asked, pouting as he watched her get out of bed. "Are you taking a shower? Cause I'm not opposed to shower sex."

"I have to pee, if you must know," she snapped from the bathroom, closing the door and locking it.

She sat down on the toilet seat with a sigh. Puck was so convinced it was a boy and she was honestly worried about how he'd react if the baby was a girl. Brittany hadn't found out what she was having and Artie had been over the moon when Veronica was born last month. Brittany had never mentioned Artie wanting a boy particularly and she made a mental note to ask Brittany next time she saw her. Secretly, Quinn wanted a girl, already mentally planning play dates with Brittany and Veronica. They'd already shared their pregnancies together and were planning on being first time moms together, just like Rachel and Tina had done.

She honestly didn't know _why_ he was so set on a boy, other than not wanting to worry about boys looking at his daughter. She frowned, wondering if it was just a pride thing. It wasn't like he'd never been around little girls before.

_Little girls._

She grinned, suddenly getting an idea. She opened up the door slightly. "Hey, babe? What are you planning on doing today while I'm out?"

"Dunno. Probably hang out here and watch sports."

"I need you to bring that dish I borrowed from Rachel back. Since I'm sure Finn's going to be doing the same thing, why don't you go watch your game over there?"

"Are they back from Disney?"

"Yeah, they got back the other day. Finn and Mike were both at work yesterday," she called back, more than slightly jealous that Finn and Mike had some huge conference down in Orlando and had both turned it into family vacations. She couldn't wait to do that with her family.

"And have to hear Berry bitch about everything? Hell no."

"She won't be there, she's going shopping with me," Quinn replied as she slowly made her way back into the bedroom and climbed back into bed.

"Oh. Well in that case, I'll stop by. The Rugrat going with you too?" he asked, rubbing his hand over her belly.

"I don't know. Rachel didn't say."

"What time are you leaving?" He propped himself up on his elbow, getting that pre-sex look in his eyes as he rubbed her stomach.

"About 12. I'm meeting Rachel and Tina to shop for some maternity clothes and then lunch."

He glanced at the clock, knowing that Rachel and Tina were really bringing Quinn to her baby shower, something he'd been more than glad to let them do. It was only nine, which meant they had plenty of time for what he considered the best part of pregnancy: the constant sex Quinn suddenly required. He leaned closer, kissing his way up her neck.

Quinn, knowing what he was up to but determined to get what she wanted first, pulled her arm away. "You're going to bring that dish back right? I really need you to return it to Rachel's."

"Then why don't you fucking give it to her when you see her today if it's so important?" he asked, reaching for her arm.

"I'm not walking around Manhattan holding a serving platter and I'm sure Rachel won't want to look like a fool doing that either."

"She'll probably be wearing some horrible sweater, so the dish will cover it," Puck pointed out, resuming his kissing.

"Just promise me you're going to bring the dish back."

"_Fine_. I will bring it back when I go watch the game."

"Good. Now I can concentrate." Smiling, she pulled her husband towards her, more than ready to give in to her craving.

After all, she was pregnant and everyone knows a pregnant woman should _never_ deny her cravings.

* * *

><p>"So how have you been feeling, Quinn?" Rachel and Tina both looked at the expectant mother, who smiled and put her hands over her swollen belly. Her early morning romp had given her even more of a glow, something that hadn't gone unnoticed by the other two.<p>

"Other than my constant craving for bacon, not too bad," Quinn replied, pausing to examine a potential maternity dress. "I have to go to the doctor next week."

"I remember those days. When I was pregnant with David, I couldn't keep enough chocolate ice cream in the house to satisfy me. And it had to be from Carvel, no other place. Mike tried to give me some from the supermarket and I burst out crying and banned him to the couch." Tina laughed and shook her head at the crazy antics hormones had made her commit while pregnant.

"What about Noah? How's he handling it? Other than bragging that he's a stud because he knocked you up as soon as you two decided to have children," Rachel asked, rolling her eyes.

Quinn pointed to the dress, her eyes asking their opinion. Rachel and Tina both shook their heads negatively, wanting to stall Quinn as long as possible. Mercedes, Brittany and Quinn's older sister were setting up for her baby shower at the restaurant and they hadn't texted yet to let Tina know they were done.

"He's convinced the baby is a boy because he did some sort of special position. He's already planning on giving him a Mohawk," she replied, shuddering at the thought. "Having a girl is an impossibility in his mind."

Rachel frowned. "Having a girl isn't bad. Finn's become well versed in all the Disney princesses and he now enjoys a good tea party."

"Oh, I'd pay to see Puck playing dolls," Tina replied, laughing. "Boy toys are no fun. David's obsessed with his Thomas the Tank Engine trains and all he does is push them round and round on his train table."

"Well now that Uncle Kurt has gotten her an official Princess tea table, Ava's been holding tea parties much more frequently. I'm sure she'll get Noah to attend one."

"Is the table a bribe to get her away from the cowboy boots?" Quinn asked with a smile, her hand rubbing her stomach as she examined a pair of maternity pants.

"Kurt's convinced that there's a bad clothing gene and Ava's inherited it from both of us. Meanwhile, where did the boots come from? _Blaine_," Rachel snickered, checking her watch. They still had about twenty minutes before they needed to get Quinn to the restaurant. "Kurt's gone all out trying to get Ava to forget about those boots. He's always stopping by with a pair of Kurt approved shoes for her, but she couldn't care less. He's resorted to being a frequent attendee at the tea table and he's even taught her phrases to say and renamed Vlad _Lord Vladimir the Little_."

Quinn and Tina both joined Rachel in snickering. To Kurt's horror, Blaine had returned from a recent business trip to Dallas with a pair of hot pink toddler sized cowboy boots. As if the boots themselves weren't bad enough, the brown stars decorating the pink boots lit up with every step taken. Continuing in her parent's footsteps of horrible fashion sense, Ava had not only loved the boots, she now wore them with _everything._ Despite Kurt's best efforts to prevent it, the cowboy boots were worn with pajamas, dresses, tutus and even poolside with a _Dora the Explorer_ bathing suit.

Quinn exhaled slowly. "Can I ask you guys something?"

Rachel and Tina both put down the shirts they'd been holding to look at Quinn, who'd begun fingering the pants she'd been examining.

"Puck's so convinced I'm having a boy. Do you…do you think he'll be upset if the baby's a girl?"

"Of course not! Noah's all talk. You've seen how he is with Ava," Rachel replied immediately. "She's got him wrapped around her finger, just like she does Finn, Kurt, Blaine and Burt. He lets her call him _Norma_."

Quinn gave a small laugh. "That _is_ one of the funniest things I've ever heard. He almost had a heart attack the first time Ava said it."

Rachel smirked. Noah had campaigned hard for Ava to call him Puck, while Rachel had campaigned just as hard for Noah. Rachel had never been more thrilled than when Ava decided to call him Noah. The only problem was that while attempting to pronounce Noah, Ava had somehow managed to pronounce it as _Norma._ Puck had been horrified, but the more he tried to correct her pronunciation, the more Ava decided that he was to be known as Norma.

"See? Ava gets to call him Norma, but David calls him Puck," Tina pointed out. "Trust me; when that baby comes out and he sees it, he's going to be so thrilled, no matter what it is."

"I hope so." Quinn frowned. "But just in case, I sent him over to Rachel's to spend the day with Ava. Not that he knows that though, he thinks he's going to watch the game."

Rachel laughed. "Ava just got her new tea table the other day. The only way he's going to get to watch the game is if it's naptime."

"Good. That's what I want. He's scared of having a girl for some reason, so maybe if he spends the day with Ava and sees Finn interact with her, he won't be so freaked out if our baby is a girl."

"Don't worry about it, Quinn. If there's one thing Ava's good at, it's being a girl." Rachel checked her watch, exchanging a glance with Tina, who pulled out her cell phone, ready to send off a warning text to Mercedes. "Ready to go to lunch?"

Quinn nodded, wishing she could be a fly on the wall to see Ava school Puck in the ways of little girls.

If nothing else, it would surely be entertaining.

* * *

><p>"Here's your fucking dish. You got the game on?" Puck greeted Finn, shoving the dish into Finn's hands as soon as he'd opened the door. He strolled past Finn, ready to get a beer and settle down to watch the game. He'd been planning on coming over here anyway while Quinn was at her shower, but why she was so insistent about bringing that fucking dish over too, he had no idea.<p>

"Hello to you, too, Puck," Finn replied, walking into the kitchen and putting the plate down on the counter to resume what he'd been doing before Puck's arrival.

"I already ordered food on my way over. It should be here soon," Puck announced as he reached the fridge and grabbed two beers. He turned around, expecting Finn to be holding out a bottle opener, surprised to see that he was screwing on the top of a bright pink sippy cup with a picture of Marie the cat from the _Aristocats_ on it instead. "The fuck you doing? The pre-game's coming on in a few minutes."

He didn't bother waiting for Finn's answer, grabbing a bottle opener and heading off towards the living room, more than ready to watch the Knicks pre-game from his usual spot on the couch. A problem presented itself immediately upon his arrival in the living room.

Ava, her little legs sticking straight out in front of her, was sitting on the loveseat, her eyes glued to the TV. Next to her, in_ his_ usual spot, sat Minnie Mouse, her long black legs and clunky pink heels outstretched in the same manner as Ava's.

"What the fuck is this?" he asked, stopping short in the doorway and staring at the TV, which was currently playing _Max and Ruby._ "S'up, A?"

Ava turned her brown eyes on him at his words; allowing Puck to shake his head in amazement at how much she resembled Rachel, with the exception of her nose and hair. Even her outfit, black leggings under a grey t-shirt with a large pink poodle on the front, screamed Rachel. Her thick wavy hair, the only obvious sign that Finn was her father, was carefully styled into two little pigtails. She pointed at the TV happily. "_Max and Ruby, _Norma."

"_Max and Ruby?_" Puck repeated, scandalized. "We're gonna watch the Knicks game with Daddy, Avs."

"No. _Max and Ruby,_" Ava replied. The matter settled in her opinion, she turned her eyes back to the TV.

His mouth hanging open, Puck stared at Ava just as Finn came in and handed Ava her sippy cup before lounging on the opposite couch.

"Dude, what the fuck?" Puck asked, watching as the white rabbit on the screen drew a picture with a brown rabbit next to her. "I thought we were gonna watch the Knicks game, not some stupid rabbit show."

"Relax, _Max and Ruby_ is almost over. Be glad it's not _The Upside Down Show, _which makes you dumber by the minute," Finn replied, holding his hand out for the beer in Puck's. "Just sit down and shut up."

"I _can't_. There's a mouse in my seat."

Finn looked over at the loveseat. "Then sit in the recliner."

Puck grumbled as he stalked over to Ava's couch, attempting to move Minnie over.

"No, Norma! Minnie's seat!" Ava cried, resituating Minnie on the cushion.

"And now it's my seat," Puck replied, pushing Minnie over again.

"No, Norma! Minnie's seat!" Ava repeated, her bare feet kicking Puck as he tried to sit down. "Minnie's seat, not Norma's!"

"Hey, this is _always_ my seat, Avs. Minnie stole it from _me_," Puck protested, ignoring Ava's little feet trying to push him away. He looked over at Finn, who was trying not to laugh. "A little help here, Finn."

"Dude, just sit in the recliner."

"No fucking way. And I'm not sitting with you either. This spot is the best spot to see the TV from, which is why it's _my_ seat, not the mouse's."

"Avs, why doesn't Minnie move over and let Uncle Norma sit next to her?" he suggested, snickering at the sight of Puck battling a three year old and a stuffed mouse.

"No. It's Minnie's seat," Ava replied firmly, still trying to push Puck with her feet.

"Dude, I'm getting kicked by the Baby Berry. Do something," Puck snapped, grabbing Ava's feet with one hand, holding her feet as if she was cattle at a rodeo that needed to be hog tied.

"Why do you always have problems with the women in my life? Let her go," Finn grumbled as he sat up. Puck released Ava's feet, who stopped kicking and pushing him, but still kept her feet on his thigh as she drank her juice. Putting on his best _do what I say_ voice; Finn directed his next comment at his daughter. "Ava. Move Minnie and let Norma sit there _now._"

Ava looked at her father over her sippy cup with wide eyes as she silently grabbed Minnie's hand and yanked her onto the cushion she was occupying.

Satisfied that he'd gotten his seat, Puck leaned back, letting Ava keep her feet on his lap and turning his attention to his next problem: the crap on the TV. From what he could tell, the rabbits on the TV were currently playing with their recently discovered shadows against a white fence.

"Awesome, the food's here," Finn announced when he heard the doorman's voice coming through the intercom. "Stay here with Norma, Avs. Daddy's going to get the food."

Ava didn't answer, her attention fully focused on Max dancing with his shadow. Finn couldn't help but smile at the sight of his daughter with her little feet resting on Puck's leg as she watched her show, one hand holding Minnie's protectively while the other held her juice. Like Ava, Minnie's clunky heels were now also resting on Puck's leg. He turned his attention to the overgrown child in the room. "Try not to fight with her, I'll be right back."

"She started it."

Finn rolled his eyes. "Whatever; just watch her. I'll be back in a minute."

Puck watched him go, taking a swig of his beer as the rabbit on the screen became shocked when his shadow disappeared after the cloud covered the sun. He looked down at Ava, who was lounging comfortably, sipping her juice. "You're kidding me with this shit, right Avs?"

She looked at him over her sippy cup. "Shadow gone, Norma."

"A, this show _sucks_," he whined. "Don't you want to watch the Knicks?"

"No. I want _Max and Ruby_." She held out her sippy cup, showing Puck the white cat on the front. "Look, Norma."

"Nice. Who's that?" he asked, wondering if he could switch the channel without her knowing.

"It's _Marie,_" Ava replied, her tone implying that he should have known that already. "Daddy gave it to me."

"I bet Daddy got one for himself too," Puck replied snickering. Between Rachel and Ava tag teaming him, Finn was really turning into a girl.

Ava nodded happily. "Daddy said it was pretty."

"I bet. He probably drinks his beer in it." He tickled her feet, making her squeal. "You got beer in there?"

"Beer is for _daddies_, Norma. I have juice."

"I'm not a daddy and I have beer," Puck pointed out, tickling her feet again. She pulled her foot away, bending her knees to place her feet firmly on the couch as she sipped her juice.

"Daddy says you drink all his beer," Ava announced, gloriously unaware of the fact that Finn did not want anyone other than Rachel to know that.

"_What_? Well Daddy's-"

"Ok, food's here!" Finn called out, carrying the pizza in and placing it on the counter. Vlad emerged from his castle, immediately taking off in the direction of the pizza.

"Bout fucking time. Bring it in here," Puck called back, taking another swig of beer.

"In a minute." Finn walked into the living room holding up a plate in each hand. One was shaped like a honey pot and bore a picture of Winnie the Pooh and Piglet, while the other was round and had a picture of Elmo. "Which plate you want, Avs?"

"Dora."

"Dora's in the dishwasher. Piglet or Elmo."

"Dora."

"_Ava._ Piglet or Elmo."

"Dora."

Puck watched this exchange with interest. See, this was why it was so much better to have a boy. Boys don't give a crap about what plate they fucking ate off of, so long as there was food on it.

"_Ava Carole._" Finn's voice held a note of warning that didn't go unnoticed by Ava.

"Piglet," she muttered, pulling Minnie Mouse to her.

"That's better. Go get your chair and you can eat in here."

Ava climbed off the couch, scampering off to her bedroom. Puck stood up, following Finn back into the kitchen. "You gonna use the Elmo plate since she's got Piglet?" he asked Finn, snickering.

"Shut up. Wait till your kid is born. Let's see how long it is before you're fighting over a Dora plate," Finn snapped, cutting a piece of pizza up for Ava. "Get her placemat and fork out of the drawer."

"Not gonna happen. My boy won't care about his plate and he sure as hell won't need a fucking _Beauty and the Beast _placemat to eat off of," Puck boasted, pulling out the requested placemat and a kiddie fork with Dora's head on the end of it.

Finn smirked. Puck had a hell of a lot to learn about kids. He grabbed the plate, placing it on top of the box to carry inside. "You think so now."

"I know so." He followed Finn, carrying the rest of the food.

Ava meanwhile had dragged in her little pink princess chair from her tea table and was now sitting on it in front of the coffee table, watching the last few minutes of _Max and Ruby_. Minnie was lying forgotten on the couch, currently being used by Vlad for a pillow.

Finn placed the placemat in front of her, putting down her plate and handing her the Dora fork. "Here you go, baby girl."

"Thank you, Daddy." He bent down, letting Ava give him a thank you kiss before he pulled a piece of pizza out for himself and sat back down on his couch.

Puck did the same, eagerly pulling his slice out of the box, but unlike Finn, he didn't get to sit down on the couch.

"Minnie needs a chair, Norma."

The directive, issued without even looking at Puck, came calmly from Ava's lips as she stared at the TV, her Dora fork in her hand.

Puck paused, his rear hovering above the couch. "Say what, Avs?"

"Minnie wants to sit with me. She needs a chair."

"So? Go get one."

"No. Minnie wants you to get it."

"Me? What about Daddy?"

"_No_. She wants you to get it."

"Is she fucking kidding me?" This was directed at Finn, who was happily eating his pizza, glad Minnie had decided that she needed Puck to get her a chair and not him.

"Well you did make Minnie lose her seat before, you kind of owe her." He pulled another piece of pizza out, making a show of chewing it in front of Puck, who scowled.

"Fuck you." He stormed off towards Ava's bedroom, grabbing the first little chair he saw.

Ava watched as Puck stomped towards the coffee table, placing the chair next to hers. She took a sip of her juice before calmly announcing, "that's not her chair, Norma."

"What difference does it make?"

"She wants _her_ chair."

Puck eyed the mouse who was causing him such problems. "How the hell does Mickey put up with this bossy broad? Why's she being such a fucking pain in the ass?"

"Just once, can you _not_ curse in front of my daughter?" Finn asked, taking a swig of his beer.

"No." If Minnie was going to be difficult, then so was he.

"Norma, Minnie's hungry. She needs her chair."

"Why can't she just sit on that one? Aren't they all the same?" Each chair was pink with a picture of a Disney princess on the chair back, so he didn't see what the difference was.

"No. That's _Vlad's_ chair, Norma. He likes the chair with Ariel," Ava replied, pointing to the picture of Ariel on the chair back. Vlad helped her case by jumping into the chair, trying to get closer to the pizza. "See?"

"Fine. If the Rat has a thing for sea creatures, which chair is Minnie's?" he asked wearily, ready to get the damn chair so he could eat. Fucking Hudson was already eating his meatball hero, and he had yet to even have a slice of pizza.

"I don't know. Ask Minnie." Ava shrugged, concentrating on spearing a piece of pizza with her fork and placing it in her mouth.

Puck tugged at his Mohawk in frustration."Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Seriously, Puck _stop cursing_. She hears it and she'll use it at the worst possible time and then Rachel will blame _me._" Finn placed his half eaten hero down on the table, looking at his daughter sternly. "Ava, Puck doesn't know Minnie. You need to help him and tell him which chair Minnie wants. He's hungry and he wants to eat too."

Ava looked at Minnie thoughtfully. "She wants _her_ chair."

Puck threw up his hands, but Finn nodded in understanding. "Stay here and eat. I'll get it."

He came back in a moment with a small soft pink armchair. The cushion was decorated with white polka dots and the entire chair was covered in black piping. What made the chair distinctly Minnie's was that unlike the rest of the chair, the back was black and designed to be Minnie's head, complete with a hot pink bow on top. Finn placed the chair near the table, depositing Minnie in it as Ava watched carefully. Satisfied, she turned back to her pizza.

"Where did that thing come from? Does she own anything that's not Disney or pink?" Puck asked as he settled back on the couch and _finally _got to eat his pizza.

"Kurt got it for her for her birthday." Finn picked up his hero and resumed eating. "You just wait and see how much stuff your kid accumulates. Over here it's Princesses and Dora, but go to Mike and Tina's and it's Thomas and Toy Story."

Puck looked at Ava, who'd now decided that _she_ wanted to sit in the Minnie chair and had regulated Minnie to the chair next to Vlad. She did look fucking cute sitting in the chair, since the massive bow on the back of the chair was situated just above Ava's head, making her look like Minnie. He watched as Finn handed Ava her plate, helping her to balance it carefully on her legs. Ava smiled up at her father, who leaned down and kissed her head before returning to his own seat.

He had to admit, when she wasn't hanging out with annoying pain in the asses like Minnie Mouse, the Baby Berry was pretty cute.

* * *

><p>"So how do you think it's going?" Quinn asked as she sat down at the table, finally done greeting all her guests. "You think Ava's convinced him it's ok if the baby is a girl?"<p>

"I'm sure Ava's on it. Should we find out?" Rachel grinned as she held up her cell phone. Quinn nodded eagerly, earning a laugh from Rachel who quickly dialed.

"Hello?"

She smiled automatically at the sound of Finn's voice, putting the phone on speaker so Quinn and Tina could hear. "Hi Finny. I just thought I'd call and see how you and Ms. Ava are doing."

He laughed. "We're doing fine, babe. Norma's here."

"And how are they getting along?"

"They're getting along fine, it's Minnie Mouse he's having problems with. So far, he's had a battle with Minnie over his seat on the couch_,_ then flipped when Minnie insisted on having a chair at the table and he brought the wrong chair. Oh, and he's been forced to watch _Max and Ruby._"

Rachel laughed, along with Quinn and Tina. "That sounds about right. Has he been invited to the tea table yet?"

"No. He just ate lunch, so where do you think he is?"

Rachel groaned. "He didn't bring any dirty magazines this time, did he?"

"I don't know. I hope so."

"Finn! Make sure he doesn't leave those where Ava can find them." Rachel rolled her eyes at Quinn. The fact that Noah often carried one of those dirty magazines inside his leather jacket for just this reason was something Quinn hadn't been able to break him of yet.

"I'll remind him when he comes out but he's been in the bathroom for a while. Ava's just finishing her pizza while we watch some _Dora the Explorer_."

"Put Ava on for a minute," Rachel directed, smiling when she could hear Finn talking to their daughter. Judging from the breathing Rachel could hear coming through the phone, Ava was waiting for her to speak. She could hear Finn prompting her to say hi.

"Hi, Mommy!"

"Hi, baby! Are you having fun with Daddy and Noah?"

"Norma took Minnie's seat," Ava announced, more than ready to tell on him. "And he called Minnie a _bad_ word."

"I heard. Daddy told me. Maybe what Noah needs is a tea party. Why don't you get everything set up, and then invite Noah?" She looked at Quinn and Tina, both of whom were snickering at Rachel's idea.

Ava must have liked this suggestion, because Rachel could hear some scuffling coming from the other end of the phone.

"What'd you tell her, Rach?" Finn's amused voice came through the phone. "She dropped the phone and took off."

"Nothing. I've got to go, Finny. It's time for Quinn to open presents. Love you two. Bye." Quickly, she hung up the phone, grinning. "Poor Noah has no idea what's about to hit him."

* * *

><p>Now this was <em>much<em> better. Ava had finished her lunch and bored now that _Max and Ruby_ was over, had wandered into her bedroom, taking Vlad and Minnie with her. Puck and Finn were able to watch the pregame show in peace, with Ava coming out occasionally to ask Finn a question or drag one of her chairs back into her room.

Puck smirked. Since Hudson was constantly getting up to check on Ava or answering one of her endless questions, he'd missed most of the pregame. Yet another reason he was glad his kid was a boy. He fully planned on his boy watching the _entire _game with him.

The pregame show had just ended when Ava came out from her bedroom once again. The last few times she'd come in, she'd been wearing the black leggings and poodle t-shirt but this time she emerged from her bedroom dressed to the nines.

Over her regular clothes she now wore a blue Cinderella dress, the famous pink cowboy boots peeking out from underneath. Like her parents and dog, she wasn't immune to Kurt's fashion lessons and she'd obviously taken his lesson on accessorizing to heart, judging by the many play necklaces gracing her neck while a plastic tiara sat proudly on her head. Kurt had drilled it into her head that every outfit needs that one piece that ties the entire ensemble together, which was why Ava had finished off her look with a pair of fairy wings.

She stood by the couch, waiting for either her father or Norma to notice her. Unfortunately for her, she'd chosen to make her grand entrance just as tip-off was about to happen, which meant that all male attention was fully focused on the TV. Undaunted, she made her way over to her father, easily climbing into his lap. "Hi Daddy."

"There's a beautiful fairy princess in my lap," Finn commented to Puck. "I hope Ava or Mommy doesn't come in here and see her in my lap. I'll be in trouble."

Ava giggled. "It's me, Daddy. Ava Carole Hudson."

Finn frowned, pretending to examine the fairy in his lap. "Hmm. I don't know. My Ava doesn't have wings."

Ava hurriedly took the wings off, anxious to prove to her father that it really was her. "See Daddy? It's me!"

Finn exhaled. "It really _is_ you. I was worried it was an evil witch in disguise. If I let an evil witch in the house, Mommy would have kicked my butt."

"She does that anyway," Puck commented, snickering.

Finn ignored that crack, focusing his attention on his daughter. "Well now that I know for sure it's you, how can I help you, Ava-girl?"

Ava sat up on her knees, climbing up her father's body in an attempt to reach his ear but completely unaware of the pain she was causing her father by keeping her knees on his groin. Casting a furtive glance at Puck, she leaned close to Finn's ear to whisper. "It's tea time, Daddy."

"I see. Are you here for the cookies then?" he whispered back, adjusting her knees away from his junk so that he'd actually be able to give Ava a brother or sister when they decided to have another child.

Ava nodded solemnly. "And some biscuits too because Mommy says cookies are bad for Vlad."

"She's right. We don't want Vlad getting fat, do we?"

"No." She cast another look at Puck before continuing her whispering. "Norma needs to come to the party, Daddy."

"How about I get the cookies and biscuits and you get Norma? Sound like a plan?" he whispered, knowing Ava would be successful. Even at three, Ava was well aware of the power of the eyes she'd inherited from her mother. And just like her mother, she knew that Finn was putty in her hands when she used them. It was about time she used them on someone else.

"Ok." She put her fairy wings back on, climbed off her father and scampered off the couch, while Finn went to get the cookies. She made a beeline for Puck and climbed onto his lap. "Hi, Norma."

"S'up A?"

"What are you doing, Norma?"

"Watching the basketball game. Where did Daddy go?"

"He went to get the cookies. Guess what?"

"How could you say that was a fucking foul?" Puck cried, distracted by the TV.

Ava, not about to lose a potential guest at her tea party, placed her little hands on either side of his face to make him look at her. "Minnie feels bad that she was bossy. Mommy says that's not nice."

"Mommy says that? She should listen to her own advice then."

"Minnie feels _real_ bad. That's why we're going to have a party." Ava stared at him, her tiara slipping to one side.

"Nice. That why you're all dressed up?" His eyes drifted back to the TV.

Ava beamed, pleased that he'd noticed her beautiful outfit. "Yes. Uncle Kurt says you should always dress for a party. That's why he bought me this Cinderella dress. It's just like the one she wears to the ball."

"It's gorgeous, Avs."

"Are you going to come to my party?" Ava asked, unleashing her eyes on him.

"Wouldn't miss it, A," he replied distractedly, concentrating on the Knick shooting a foul shot on the screen.

Happily, Ava climbed off of him, pulling on his arm. "Come on, Norma."

"Whoa, Rugrat. The game is on."

"The party is _now,_" Ava insisted, using her eyes on him again. "Daddy's getting the cookies and all the guests have arrived."

"You can't be serious." He stared at her, already feeling himself weakening from the Jedi Force Ava's eyes were using on him.

"I wouldn't fight it, Dude," Finn commented, a plate of cookies in one hand as he grabbed the remote control, fiddling with it until he'd recorded the game. "We can watch it after the party, especially since it's almost N-A-P-T-I-M-E."

Puck sighed, allowing himself to be pulled off the couch by Ava.

Naptime couldn't come soon enough.

* * *

><p>"You've <em>got<em> to be shitting me."

Ava seemed to think that Puck's exclamation was a compliment because she beamed happily as she ran to her tea table. Minnie was already seated in her chair at the bright pink table, while five other chairs sat empty around it. The table was set with her princess tea set, along with a nice selection of plastic food. She pulled a pink chair out with a picture of Sleeping Beauty on the chair back, looking at Puck expectantly. "This is your seat, Norma."

"You've _got_ to be shitting me," he repeated, directing it at Finn. "No way am I sitting on one of those little chairs. That thing won't hold one ass cheek."

Finn shrugged as he walked over to his usual chair, the one with a picture of Belle on it and _very_ carefully lowered himself on it. "I'm bigger than you and I sit on them. You just gotta be careful how you distribute your weight."

Puck sighed as he walked over to the Sleeping Beauty chair, mimicking Finn as he sat down very carefully. As he'd predicted, he was unable to fit both ass cheeks on the chair and shifted around until he managed to find a _slightly_ comfortable position. "What do we do now? Drink the tea?"

"Oh no. Not all the guests are seated yet," Finn replied, not wanting to tell Puck the other reason why the party hadn't started. He wondered if he could film the party without Puck knowing.

Ava herself hadn't sat down yet. At the moment, she was digging through her dress-up trunk, seemingly looking for something specific. Triumphantly, she emerged holding a purple cone shaped hat with a cascade of purple tulle coming out of the top. She ran over to her father. "Here Daddy!"

No questions asked, Finn took the hat, immediately putting it on his head. "How do I look?"

"Beautiful, Daddy. Like a princess."

Puck, who normally would've had a smartass comment to make as soon as Finn asked how he looked, was now doubled over in laughter. He gasped for breath, actually falling off his little chair at the sight of Finn wearing the cone shaped hat while Ava returned to her dress up trunk, her fairy wings sticking straight up as she rummaged.

"I wouldn't laugh too hard, Puck. Let's see what she comes up with for you," Finn warned, adjusting his hat.

For some reason (which he suspected Kurt had something to do with), Ava had decided that this hat was the only one Finn was allowed to wear. Rachel, Kurt, Blaine and even their parents all got to wear a wide variety of hats, but the purple cone hat was it for him. He didn't really care, but the hat had this God awful chin strap that cut into him every time and his head was too big to keep the hat put without the strap.

"I'm _not_ wearing a fucking princess hat," Puck announced, settling back onto the uncomfortable chair. Vlad came trotting in, jumping up and sitting on the Ariel chair, seemingly waiting for the party to start.

Sure enough, Ava once again emerged triumphantly from the trunk, her tiara askew on her head. She must have heard Puck's declaration about not wearing a princess hat, because she happily made her way over to Puck, her arms full of something feathery. The sight of the bright pink feathers gave Puck a bad feeling in his stomach.

"Here, Norma!" Excited, Ava climbed into his lap, wrapping the pink boa around his neck before she placed a matching hat on his head. The hot pink hat had a large purple flower on the crown, while hot pink feathers completely covered the brim all around, making Puck look like a fluorescent chicken.

Finn burst out laughing, watching as Ava completed Puck's ensemble with several necklaces and a magic wand.

"Fuck you, Hudson. This isn't funny," Puck growled, spitting out a feather that had floated down from his hat.

"You should be honored she let you wear it. That hat is a Kurt Hummel original you know," Finn commented, still laughing. "I've never been allowed to wear it, since Kurt decided that I'm not worthy of it and told Ava."

"Fuck you and fuck Hummel. He's so dead."

Ava climbed off of Puck's lap, one hand on her hip has she stared at him, her little cowboy boots peeking out from under her ball gown.

"Mommy says that's a _bad_ word, Norma," Ava scolded, looking up at Puck with wide brown eyes eerily reminiscent of the other female resident of the Hudson household. "Daddy said it and Mommy got _mad_."

"Yeah? Was Daddy in the bedroom when he said it?" Puck asked; his customary smirk on his face, the effectiveness of which was being ruined by his feathery hat.

"No, he was yelling at the TV," Ava replied, busy settling Finn's old Sergeant VonFuzzyBear into the seat next to Puck and placing a smaller version of the hat Puck was wearing over his army beret before sitting on her Cinderella chair. "The Sergeant is here, we can have tea now. Would you like a cookie, Prince Daddy?"

Proud of herself for remembering the phrase Uncle Kurt had taught her to use, she held out a plate, offering Finn his choice of either Oreos or a dog biscuit. Finn took some Oreos, making a show of placing them on his own plate, knowing from past experience that there'd be trouble if he ate them before he was allowed to. He watched his daughter hold the plate out to Puck, waiting to see what he did.

"Cookie, Mrs. Ponypants?"

"Sure, why-" Puck responded, his hand pausing mid-grab when Ava's words registered. "What did you call me, A?"

"Prince Daddy, did you know that Mrs. Ponypants is friends with Boots?" Ava announced to her father, who was having trouble keeping a straight face at the name assigned to Puck.

For his part, Puck was still staring at Ava, trying get his head wrapped around the fact that he was sitting on a tiny chair at a princess tea table, where he was henceforth to be known as _Mrs. Ponypants._

"Is that right?" Finn replied, his hand over his mouth. "Is Boots going to join us for tea today?"

"No, Boots is in Time-Out," Ava said firmly, pointing to the corner of her room where the poor monkey from _Dora the Explorer_ was sitting on a chair facing the wall. "He said a bad word like Norma."

She placed a cookie on Sergeant VonFuzzyBear's plate and the biscuit on Vlad's plate, placing the plate with the remaining cookies back on the table. "Prince Daddy, can you…_Mrs. Ponypants!_ _No_! Bad, Mrs. Ponypants!"

Puck paused at the scandalized tone of Ava's voice, his mouth full of Oreo. He swallowed quickly, looking from father to daughter, one trying to contain his laughter, the other looking angry. "What?"

"_Mrs. Ponypants!_ You ate your cookies! Lord Vladimir the Little needs to pour the tea first," Ava reprimanded him, using another of Kurt's phrases.

"Oh." He shrugged, reaching for another cookie, only to have Ava smack his hand with the tea pot.

"_No._ You ate your cookies, Mrs. Ponypants. No more for you." She took the plate of cookies off the table, putting them on the floor.

"How was I supposed to know? This is my first tea party! Besides, Vlad ate his and he's not in trouble," Puck pointed out, pouting at the injustice done to him.

"Lord Vladimir needs to leave early. He has to go back to his castle," Ava replied, doing an eye roll clearly inherited from her mother.

As if on cue, Vlad jumped off his chair and headed out of Ava's bedroom, making Puck scowl even more.

"Don't be sad, Mrs. Ponypants. Sometimes Lord Vladimir comes back," Finn offered, snickering at the look on Puck's face. He turned his attention to his daughter. "Are you going to serve the tea, Princess Ava?"

"I'm not a princess today, Daddy," Ava replied, directing an eye roll at her father this time. "My name is Mrs. Finn."

"Oh, excuse me. Mrs. Finn, can I have some tea please?" He held out his tea cup expectantly.

"It's my special chocolate tea," Ava announced, pouring some imaginary tea into Finn's cup before doing the same to her cup and the Sergeant's.

"What about me, Avs? Don't I get tea?" Puck demanded.

"No."

"Why not?"

"I'm all out."

"So? You've got a kitchen right there. Make some more, A."

"I _can't._ Prince Daddy didn't bring any more."

"Well that's just fucking great, Hudson. You couldn't bring enough tea for everyone?" Puck bitched, adjusting the feather boa around his neck.

"Hey, don't be mad at me, Mrs. Ponypants. I didn't make you eat your cookies," Finn shot back as he took a sip of his tea. "Mmmm. This tea is spectacular, Mrs. Finn."

Ava beamed, offering her father another cookie. "Thank you, Prince Daddy."

"More like Prince Dorky," Puck muttered.

"That's not nice, Mrs. Ponypants. You need a Time-Out," Ava decided, taking Puck's empty teacup and saucer from him.

"I think you're right, Mrs. Finn," Finn added seriously as he sipped his tea again.

"Go sit with Boots, but don't talk to him. He's still in trouble," Ava directed.

"Is she fucking serious?" Puck asked Finn, who wasn't bothering to hide his laughter. "I'm not getting put into a Time-Out with a monkey for an inmate by a 2 year old."

"I'm _three_, Norma," Ava announced proudly.

"Ava-roo, how about we give Uncle Norma one more try? It's his first tea party, he doesn't really know what to do," Finn suggested between bursts of laughter.

"Uncle Kurt plays tea party better than you," Ava announced as she handed Puck his teacup and saucer again.

"Well there's a fucking surprise," Puck muttered, accepting his teacup and earning a snort of laughter from Finn.

"Do you want tea, Mrs. Ponypants?" Ava asked, deciding to show Uncle Norma how to play tea party properly.

"Yeah." He held out his teacup, waiting for Ava to pour the tea, surprised when she didn't.

"You didn't say _please._ Mommy says you have to say _please,"_ she reprimanded, holding the teapot in the air.

"Is there Jack in that teapot?" Puck muttered to Finn who snorted again. Ava continued to stare at Puck, waiting for him to say please as she withheld the tea. "Fine. I'd like some tea, _please_."

"I like your hat, Mrs. Ponypants," Ava commented as she poured the tea before refilling her own and the Sergeant's. "You look like Daisy Duck."

"Is that right?" Puck asked through gritted teeth, playing along while controlling urge to rip the damn hat off his head. He was still planning on killing Hummel the next time he saw him, but at least his hat didn't have a chin strap like the hat Finn had on. He could see Finn constantly sticking his finger between the elastic and his chin and smirked at the indentation the strap was leaving on Finn's skin.

"Mommy and me ate breakfast with Daisy Duck and Cinderella. Daddy didn't go because he had to work," Ava continued, her recent trip to Disney World still fresh in her mind as she offered Puck another cookie. "Aunt Tina and David came too. He didn't eat his eggs."

"Avs, why don't you tell Mrs. Ponypants all about how you ate breakfast with Daisy and Cinderella, I'll be right back," Finn announced as soon as he heard the phone start ringing. Relieved to get off that damn little chair and stretch, he stood up just as Vlad came strolling back in and resumed his place at the table.

Quickly, before Puck could realize what Finn was doing, he pulled out his cell phone, turned in the door and snapped a picture of Puck at the table, who responded by stretching and very subtly giving Finn the finger at the same time.

"Cinderella lives in a castle, just like Vlad," Ava began immediately, not missing a beat as she filled Vlad's tea cup and placed a fresh biscuit on his plate. Finn smiled at the sight before he hurried to answer the phone, ridding himself of his princess hat at the same time.

"Hello?" he asked, cradling the phone under his ear while he sent off the picture to Rachel on his cell phone.

"Oh, Finn, I'm so glad I caught you." His mom's cheerful voice came floating through the phone.

"What's up?" He could hear Ava still chattering happily about her breakfast at Cinderella's castle, making him smile when he heard her ask Puck if he knew Cinderella. That smile turned into an eye roll when he heard Puck tell Ava that he had dated Cinderella before Quinn.

"I want to order tickets for the Princesses on Ice show. I'm assuming you don't want to go, but does Rachel?"

"I _definitely_ don't want to go, but I don't know about Rachel. She's at Quinn's baby shower right now, I'll have her call you when she gets home," Finn replied, one ear focused on listening to Puck tell Ava about the time he and Cinderella went bowling with Belle and Beast.

"And where's my granddaughter? Is she at the shower too?"

"Nope. At the moment, she's listening to Puck talk all about how he dated Cinderella, but dumped her for Quinn."

Carole laughed. "She wearing the boots?"

"Right underneath her Cinderella dress, Kurt would be horrified." He laughed, thinking that those boots were the best thing to happen in a while. "You should see her, she's been hosting a tea party for me, Vlad, Puck and the Sergeant and all she's done is boss Puck around and try to put him in Time-Out. She's even got him wearing that hat Kurt made for her, along with a feather boa. And his name is-"

_Crash!_

"_Fuck!"_

"_Woof!"_

"_Daddy!"_

Finn never got to tell his mother what Puck's new name was because of whatever was going on in Ava's room. "Gotta go, Mom. I'll call you back later."

He hurried back to Ava's room, unsure of what he was going to find, but never expecting what he actually _did_ find.

Ava was still seated in her little chair, but she was the only one who was. The Sergeant was lying on the ground, his chair having somehow flipped over, while Vlad was now on the ground next to Ava, his chair also on its back. The Chihuahua was on his back paws, licking the face of a crying Ava, her little legs sticking straight out in front of her where her tea table once stood.

The table itself was now lying on its side, littering the ground in teacups and saucers. One leg of the table was broken off and was on the ground. Ava's play kitchen had somehow fallen forward, emptying its cabinets of all its play food and dishes, adding to the mess on the floor. Puck's legs were sticking out from under the kitchen, the remains of his chair around him.

"Ava, are you ok?" Finn asked, rushing to his daughter and kneeling beside her. She immediately threw her arms him, burying her face in his neck for a minute as he hugged her tightly. "What happened, baby girl?"

She picked her head up to look at Finn before she pointed a finger accusingly at Puck's legs. "Norma did it."

Finn, who had no doubt that Puck was the cause of whatever had happened, looked at him expectantly. Ava placed her head on Finn's shoulder, glaring at Puck as she continued to sniffle. "What the hell happened, Puck?"

Puck pushed the large play kitchen off of him and sat up. "I was just telling the Baby Berry how Cinderella and I used to date and she wanted to see the magic tricks I used to impress Cinderella. I needed a napkin, so I reached over from my chair to get the towel hanging off A's kitchen, but when I leaned, the chair collapsed and I fell, taking the kitchen with me since I was holding onto the towel."

"Norma broke it. Uncle Kurt's gonna be _mad_," Ava sniffed, still glaring at Puck from the safety of her father's arms.

"How did the table break?" Finn asked; his hand rubbing Ava's back soothingly.

"I hit it with my leg when I fell and flipped it." He stood up, coming over to Finn and Ava, who promptly buried her face in Finn's neck again, still mad at Puck. "A, are you mad at me? I didn't mean to break your chair and table."

Ava didn't answer, holding onto Finn's neck even tighter.

"I thought we were buds, Avs," Puck pleaded. "I was just too big for your chair."

Ava turned her head slightly, her head still resting on Finn's shoulder. "Daddy's fatter and _he_ didn't break my chair."

Puck snorted. "You're right, Daddy is fatter. Are you going to put me in Time-Out?"

Ava picked her head up, shaking her head no. "Boots is in Time-Out. He'll say a bad word to you."

"How about we read a book?" Finn suggested, a quick glance at his watch revealing that it was almost naptime.

"In your bed?" Ava asked, rubbing her eyes.

"Sure thing, Ava-roo. Let's just get some of this stuff off of you." He stood Ava up on her chair, stripping her of her tiara and wings, along with her many necklaces and cowboy boots. She put up a fight at the loss of her Cinderella dress, crying and only relenting when Finn threatened to not read her book. He carried her to his room, placing her in the center of his bed while Puck followed behind holding Boots and a copy of _Guess Who, Elmo?_

Ava, her thumb in her mouth as she prepared to hear her current favorite book, took one look at Boots in Puck's hand and began crying. "No, Norma. No Boots."

"What's your problem?" Puck asked as he settled onto the bed, placing Boots between himself and Ava.

"Boots is bad, Norma," she wailed, kicking her bare feet against the bed. "No Boots! No Boots!"

"Dude, put the monkey back in Time-Out," Finn hissed, comforting his now overtired daughter against his chest.

Not wanting to piss Ava off any more than she already was, Puck shot off the bed, racing to Ava's room and dropping Boots back onto his chair in the corner. He returned to Finn's room to find him still comforting Ava, rocking her in his lap as she sucked her thumb.

"Boots is bad, Norma" she repeated when she saw him come back in.

"Boots just wanted to see the bed where all the magic happens and he wanted to hear the awesome book, but I told him no," Puck announced as he settled back onto the bed.

Ava's ears pricked up at the word _magic_, and she picked her head up to stare at Puck. "Magic?"

Finn groaned internally, knowing exactly what Puck was alluding to and positive he was going to be doing some explaining to Rachel later. Ava, anxious to hear his answer, crawled off her father's lap and made herself comfortable against Puck.

Puck nodded seriously as he picked up _Guess Who, Elmo?_ "Daddy didn't tell you he does magic in this bed? He even uses his magic wand on Mommy."

Ava, her eyes wide, turned to look at her father accusingly. "Daddy has a wand?"

"Yup. He keeps it in his underwear," Puck confirmed, trying not to snicker. Finn simply placed his head in his hands, not wanting to picture what Rachel was going to say when she found out. "I've seen the shows he puts on with Mommy. Of course, my bed is even more magical. Ask Aunt Quinn."

Ava didn't answer, processing this new information as she rubbed her eyes.

Finn sighed, knowing she was going to have a million questions later and would probably announce that he keeps his magic wand in his underwear at the worst possible time, just like when they discovered that thanks to Puck, Ava had learned the word _dumbass_ by using it correctly in a sentence. Poor Uncle Kurt had simply asked her who the princess with the really long hair was, and she'd responded with an enthusiastic '_it's Rapunzel, dumbass.'_

He plucked the book from Puck, prepared to read _Guess Who, Elmo?_ for the thousandth time. "Ready baby girl?"

"No, Daddy. I want Norma," Ava announced, reaching for the book with one hand. "Norma read."

"You don't want me to read to you?" Finn asked, shocked and a little hurt.

"Norma read," she repeated. "Go get Minnie, Daddy."

"Go get the mouse, I'll read to her," Finn directed, ignoring Ava's outstretched hand and opening the book.

"No Daddy! I want Norma!"

"It's ok, Hudson. I'd rather read than have to deal with the mouse." He held out his hand for the book and Finn reluctantly handed it over.

Ava immediately snuggled against him. "Go, Daddy. I want Minnie."

"Alright Avs. You ready to find out who's coming over to see Elmo?" He opened the book and began to read. "_Elmo is playing a guessing game with Elmo's friends. Help Elmo guess who!"_

Finn glanced back to see his daughter leaning against Puck's chest, her thumb in her mouth as she listened to Puck read. Knowing she wouldn't sleep without Minnie, he hurried off to get her, still slightly hurt that Ava wanted Puck and not him. He grabbed Minnie off the floor and made his way back to his own bedroom.

"_I wear pretty beads. I think dancing's the best. I put on a pink tutu when it's time to get dressed. Guess who!"_ Puck was reading as Finn came back in. Ava tore her thumb from her mouth to reach for Minnie, immediately tucking the mouse against her little body.

Since Puck seemed like he had it under control, Finn decided to start the clean up in Ava's room. Puck joined him a few minutes later, just as Finn was reloading Ava's kitchen cabinets.

"She's asleep?"

"That boring ass book put her out like a light." Puck bent down, picking up the pieces of the broken chair as he surveyed the damage from the disaster that was his first tea party. "How long till she's up again?"

"Depends." Finn shrugged. "Fighting with you probably tired her out for a while. Let's clean this up and then watch the game."

"I'll have to get her a new table before Hummel kicks my ass," Puck commented, picking up the table with one hand and carrying it out of the room.

"I don't think you'll be getting an invite to the parties Kurt and Ava have anytime soon, Mrs. Ponypants," Finn agreed carrying the broken chair pieces. They placed it by the front door, ready to sit and watch the game while they still could.

Puck sat in silence for a few minutes, staring at the TV but having no idea what was going on. "Did you and Berry know what you were having?"

"Huh?" Finn tore his eyes away from the screen. "You mean Ava? No. Rachel wanted to find out, but we flipped a coin and I won, despite her attempts to cheat."

"Oh. Did you ever wish you had had a boy?"

"I'm not gonna lie. Before Ava was born, a big part of me thought it would be awesome to have a boy so we could play with all the cool boy toys and watch sports, but the second Ava was born, I forgot about that."

"I _knew_ you were really a girl, Hudson. You like those tea parties and watching _Dora _don't you?"

"I don't mind it because it makes Ava happy. You'll see."

"It doesn't freak you out that boys are going to be checking her out? She's a spitting image of Rachel, but even better since she doesn't have the fucking huge nose. Rachel's always been sneaky hot behind the nose."

Finn shrugged. "First of all, stop checking out my wife and daughter. Second of all, she's _three_. When she's thirty and ready to date, I'll deal with it. I'll go all LeRoy on the guy. Rachel and I are just praying that she doesn't find someone like _you._"

Huh. Puck hadn't thought of that. He could _totally_ go all scary bad ass dad on any tool who tried to take out his daughter. He still had his nun chucks from his old fight club somewhere. Maybe he should take them out and practice with them.

Just in case.

* * *

><p>"I'm gonna go to the bathroom. If Ava wakes up, just give her some juice," Finn directed, stretching as he stood. "It's been over an hour. She should be up soon. You bring any magazines?"<p>

"I left my _Maxim _and the _Swimsuit Edition_ on top of the toilet to piss Berry off." Puck waved in the direction of the bathroom, not bothering to look at Finn.

"Awesome."

Puck continued watching the game, not expecting to see Finn for a while. He looked up after a few minutes, surprised when he heard footsteps.

Ava was standing in the doorframe, one hand holding Minnie's leg while the other rubbed her eyes. "Where's Daddy?"

"He's in the bathroom, A. You want some juice?"

Ava nodded, following Puck into the kitchen. He opened the cabinet, trying to find something like that Marie cup she'd had before. His eyes located a Minnie Mouse cup and he grabbed it, quickly filling it with juice under Ava's watchful eyes. He handed the cup to her, heading back to his seat before Minnie could fucking steal it again. Ava walked behind him, Minnie still being dragged along the floor by her leg. Ava and Minnie climbed onto the couch beside Puck, both once again placing their feet on his thigh.

"Aunt Quinn is having a baby," Ava announced, as if Puck didn't know.

"I heard." He took a swig of his beer, Ava doing the same with her juice.

"Mommy says the baby is coming soon." She stared at him, her eyes solemn as she sipped her juice.

"I know."

"The baby can have tea with me," Ava offered. "Since Aunt Quinn says the baby is a girl."

"What? She said that?" Surprised, Puck looked at Ava, who nodded solemnly.

"Aunt Quinn told Mommy and me that it would be cute if she had a girl because Veronica is a girl and they could play together."

"When did she say this?" he asked casually, not quite believing that he was getting info about his wife from a three year old.

"When Mommy and me went shopping with Aunt Quinn. Mommy bought me new _Dora_ underwear. She bought Daddy underwear too but they weren't Dora."

Huh. So Q really wanted a girl. He looked down at Ava, trying to picture the spitting image of Quinn resting her feet on him instead. He had to admit, he _really _liked that image. "Hey Avs? How about we go get you a new tea table now?"

Ava nodded happily, abandoning her juice to get her cowboy boots on. Puck stretched and turned off the TV, suddenly not caring about the game anymore.

* * *

><p>"Over there, Norma!" Ava cried excitedly from her position in Puck's arms, pointing to the wide selection of kiddie tables. They'd left Finn in the bathroom at home, telling him where they went, but figuring they'd be back before he was out.<p>

Puck placed her down on the ground once they were among the tables, letting her and Minnie run to whichever one she liked. He watched, smiling as she ran to a colorful plastic table, sitting on the seat for a moment before rejecting it. Undaunted, she ran to a picnic table with an umbrella coming out the center, giving it careful consideration before it too was rejected.

His eyes fell on a dainty metal table nearby. It was white and the curliques of the design reminded him of the chairs found in an old fashioned ice cream parlor. The table was actually already set for tea, adding to the appeal. "Hey A? How about this one?"

Ava ran over, immediately sitting on one of the chairs and placing Minnie in another. "Sit, Norma."

Puck eyed the chair, wary of what had happened before, until he realized that the chairs were metal. Cautiously, he sat down, not feeling even slightly self-conscious.

"Would you like some tea, Mrs. Ponypants?" Ava asked, holding up the teapot.

"Why, I think I would, Mrs. Finn." He held out his teacup, allowing Ava to pour the pretend tea in. "Mmm. Wonderful tea, Mrs. Finn."

Ava beamed, happy that Norma finally got the hang of playing tea party. She held out the plastic play cookies that were on the table. "Cookie, Mrs. Ponypants?"

"Can I help you?"

Puck looked up to see a store employee standing next to their table. "We're just testing out tables."

"Norma broke my chair," Ava added helpfully. "Daddy's fatter, but he didn't break my table, only Norma."

"I see. We don't mind the children testing them, but…" she trailed off, her eyes scrolling down his large body on the small chair.

Puck shrugged. "Well we're in the middle of a tea party; you're welcome to join us if you want. Besides, I think this is the table we're going to get, right A?"

Ava nodded. "I like this table, Norma."

"Ok, then why don't we go up front and ring it up?" Desperate to get Puck's rear away from the table before it broke, the salesgirl looked from Puck to Ava pleadingly.

"You know, Mrs. Finn, I don't feel right having a tea party without my hat. How about we have one more cup of tea, pay for this and then go home and play?" Puck asked Ava, who clapped her hands excitedly.

The salesgirl nodded. "I'll meet you two up front then."

Ava had just refilled Puck's teacup when another distraction appeared.

"OW! The fuck?" Puck whirled around, trying to locate the source of the ball that had just hit him in the head. The ball had come out of nowhere, hitting him on the temple.

"What are you doing?"

Startled, Puck looked up to see a small boy standing next to their table, holding an Iron Man action figure. Figuring this kid was the source of the ball that had just hit him, Puck eyed the boy, who was staring at Ava. He looked slightly older than Ava, maybe five. "Where's your mom, kid?"

"What are you doing?" the boy repeated, still staring at Ava, who was intent on filling up Minnie's teacup.

"We're having a tea party," Ava announced proudly. "Mrs. Ponypants and I are picking out a new table."

"Tea parties are stupid," the boy announced.

"Tea parties are _not _stupid," Ava said firmly.

"Where's your mom?" Puck repeated, looking around. The only adult in sight was another store employee.

"Yes, they are. You're stupid, too," the boy responded, ignoring Puck.

"You're stupid," Ava retorted, crossing her arms.

"What's with your hair?" he asked Puck. "You look stupid."

Puck, who was starting to see red, took a deep breath before speaking. "I think it's time for you to go back to your parents. This is a private tea party."

"You're dumb. So is Minnie Mouse. Iron Man is cool. _Kapow!_"

Before Puck could say or do anything, the boy immediately went into attack mode, launching his action figure at the tea table. Cups, saucers, plastic food and silverware went flying as Iron Man attacked. The boy dove under the table, reaching for the plastic cookies. "Bombs away!"

He began throwing the cookies up in the air, pleased when one hit Puck on the head.

"What is wrong with you, kid?" Puck demanded. He looked at the store employee who was standing there watching the entire scene. "Get a manager here, now!"

The boy didn't answer, launching another plastic cookie, this time aiming a cookie for Ava's head with deadly accuracy while the employee started speaking into his headset.

Ava's face crumpled and she began crying. For the second time that day, her tea party had been ruined. Puck stood up and grabbed a crying Ava. "Come on, A. Let's go get our table and go home."

"You're not going anywhere! Iron Man has a hostage!" the boy announced, grabbing Minnie off her chair and causing Ava to cry harder.

"Minnie, Norma! He's got Minnie!" Ava wailed. Despite Minnie being a mega-bitch all day, Puck didn't hesitate to make a grab for Minnie, who was currently being flown like a lasso by one leg. He got a firm hold on Minnie as she sailed past, snatching her out of the air and pulling her towards him.

"Ha!" he announced triumphantly, holding up Minnie to Ava, who only began crying harder.

"Ha! You're a moron!" the boy held up a black leg in his hand, making Puck's stomach drop as he realized the leg belonged to Minnie.

"What is going on here?" the manager asked, taking in the crying toddler, the tea set and plastic food all over the floor and a very angry grown man.

"We were testing out new tea tables and having a tea party, when this kid threw a ball at us, called Ava stupid and then knocked everything off the table. Plus, he took her favorite Minnie Mouse hostage and now she has a broken leg," Puck snapped. "Where are this kid's parents?"

"Eugene! There you are!"

All heads turned towards a large woman running towards the little group. Puck smirked, raising an eyebrow. "Eugene, is it?"

"That's not my name," Eugene muttered.

"I'm sorry, Ma'am, but you're going to have to leave." Eugene's mother listened, horrified as Puck and the manager explained what happened, with occasional teary outbursts from Ava.

Puck smirked as he watched Eugene being led away, his mother screaming at him. "Wait!"

Eugene and his mother stopped as Puck caught up to them, Ava in his arms. He reached down and snatched Minnie's leg out of Eugene's hand. "We'll take that."

"I'm so sorry. I-"

"Save it." He pointed Minnie's leg at the manager. "Here's some money. That tea table better be at 301 East 94th Street apartment 11E within one hour or I'm calling your supervisor. Now if you'll excuse us, we've got a mouse with a broken leg to take care of."

He hurried out of the toy store, hailing a cab.

"Lenox Hill," he told the driver as he buckled a still sobbing Ava into the cab car seat.

"Where are we going, Norma?" she sobbed, clutching Minnie tightly.

"Minnie broke her leg and when you break your leg, you have to go to the hospital, right?"

Ava nodded, sniffling. "She's going to be scared."

"That's why we're going to stay with her, right? Besides, there's nothing to be scared of. Daddy's been in the hospital lots of times."

"Really?"

"Yup. One time, Daddy was showing Mommy his magic wand and-"

"We're here," the cabbie announced, cutting off Puck's very inappropriate story.

"Alright, A, you got Minnie?" he asked as he paid the driver.

Ava nodded as Puck unbuckled her and picked her up. He headed inside, clutching Minnie's leg, making a beeline for the elevator. Ava rested her head against Puck as he pressed the button for the pediatric floor, hoping the one person he needed wasn't busy.

* * *

><p>"Knock knock."<p>

Luck seemed to be on Puck's side, since he found his sister in between patients. Dr. Naomi Puckerman looked up as he entered, carrying a still sniffling Ava. "Puck! What are you doing here? Is it Quinn? I just left her shower to do my rounds and she seemed fine."

"No, it's not Q. This is Ava, Rachel's daughter. Avs, this is my sister Naomi. She's a doctor."

Naomi smiled at Ava, who buried her head in Puck's neck, still clutching Minnie. "Hello, Ava. I just saw Mommy at the party and she said you're a big girl now."

Ava picked her head up. "You know Mommy?"

"I do. Now why don't you tell me why you're here?"

Ava held Minnie out. "Minnie broke her leg. Eugene threw her, but Norma caught her."

Naomi looked at her brother, who quickly explained. Naomi nodded, understanding the gravity of the situation immediately. "Hmmm. I think what we need is to get Minnie into a bed and then I can examine her. Come with me."

Puck grabbed a wheelchair from the hallway and placed Minnie in it carefully, not too concerned with anyone saying anything since a) he was with Naomi and b) his uncle was a huge benefactor of the hospital. He carried Ava and Minnie's leg while Naomi pushed the wheelchair to an empty room, gently lifting Minnie and putting her on the bed. "Do you want to sit on the bed with Minnie, Ava?"

Ava nodded, climbing onto the bed next to Minnie. Naomi reached into a drawer and pulled out the smallest pediatric gown she could find, directing Ava to put it on Minnie while she got ready to fix her leg. Ava did as requested, thoroughly approving of the clown printed gown.

"Ok Ava, I'm going to fix Minnie's leg. Why don't you hold her hand so she's not scared?" Naomi suggested, waiting until Ava grabbed Minnie's hand before she started sewing Minnie's leg back on. "Did you just go to Disney World?"

The question meant to distract had the desired effect, since Ava nodded happily and immediately launched into a full recap of her vacation.

"All done," Naomi announced cheerfully. "We just need to put her cast on."

She quickly wrapped the leg in an ace bandage. "Ok, Ava. I want you to take Minnie home and she needs lots of rest."

Ava nodded seriously, hugging Minnie.

Naomi looked over at her brother, who hadn't said anything during the entire surgery. "How does it feel?"

"How does what feel?" he asked, watching Ava chat happily with Minnie.

"How does it feel to be a parent?"

He stared at her, surprised. "Pretty damn good."

* * *

><p>"We're back!"<p>

"Where have you been, Noah?" Rachel asked, coming into the foyer, Quinn just behind her.

"We were in the Emergency Room, Mommy!" Ava announced from her position in Norma's arms.

"What? Why? What happened? Why didn't you call me? Finn!" Rachel cried, simultaneously panicking, asking questions and calling for her husband at the same time.

"What's going on?" Finn asked, heeding Rachel's call. "Oh, Avs, your new table just came."

"I went to the hospital just like you, Daddy," Ava announced again as Rachel grabbed her and held her out at arm's length, looking for any obvious signs of injury.

"Seriously? I thought you were going to get a tea table!" Finn cried, joining Rachel in examining their daughter.

"Puck, why were you in the ER?" Quinn demanded.

"Everybody chill. We went to go see Naomi."

Finn and Rachel both visibly relaxed. Rachel hugged Ava close to her, while Finn couldn't seem to take his hand off of Ava's back.

"Minnie broke her leg," Ava explained, holding up Minnie so her parents could see Minnie's cast and the hospital gown she was still wearing. "Eugene threw her. He's bad. Norma yelled at him."

"Eugene?"

Ava nodded. "He called me and Norma stupid. Naomi says Minnie needs lots of rest."

"My poor baby," Rachel cooed. "How about you tell me what happened inside?"

She carried Ava inside, sitting on the love seat with her, Finn sitting next to them. Ava once again placed Minnie in Puck's traditional seat, carefully arranging her legs before she climbed into her mother's lap. Not that Puck minded this time. Naomi's words had been ringing in his head the entire way home and as he stared at the little family across from him, he realized what Finn had meant. He hadn't hesitated to bring Minnie to the hospital because he knew it was the only thing that would make Ava happy again.

And it _might _be possible that despite his initial reluctance, he'd had fun playing tea party and shopping with Ava for a new table. He didn't even mind being Mrs. Ponypants.

Quinn squeezed his hand as she sat down next to him on the couch. "That's going to be us soon," she whispered, nodding towards the trio on the other couch. Finn and Rachel were listening intently as Ava gave them a_ very_ detailed description of what had happened, right down to the cab ride.

"Can't wait," he whispered back. "Our kid is going to be awesome."

"And then Norma said that Daddy goes to the hospital all the time..." Ava paused, climbing off the couch and running to her bedroom. She returned momentarily, her magic wand sticking out of her leggings. "Daddy? How do you keep your wand in your underwear?"

Puck burst out laughing as Finn put his head in his hands and Rachel simply looked mystified.

"Ava, what are you talking about?"

"Daddy has a magic wand in his underwear," Ava responded, trying to adjust her wand. "He puts on shows with you in the magic bed. Norma's seen them."

_"Noah!"_

Puck ignored Rachel as he turned to Quinn. "We totally need to have a girl, babe."

"What? What about your whole _'girl toys suck'_ and not wanting to deal with boys and dating?"

"I never said that. Besides, how awesome would it be to scare the crap out of her boyfriends?"

Quinn shook her head. "You're unbelievable."

He ignored her, imagining himself scaring off their daughter's boyfriend.

After all, he already had the nun chuks.

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: I know, I skipped a few years, but I've had requests for Finchel babies. I've always thought Finn would be excellent with little kids and Puck at a tea party is something I think he'd secretly enjoy if not admit._**

**_Poor Puck having to be known as Norma. As someone who's called Mida because a child couldn't pronounce "Michelle" I have sympathy for him :)_**


	12. Halloween Hijinks

**_Disclaimer: Glee is not mine._**

* * *

><p><em><strong>Hold on, man. We don't go anywhere with "scary," "spooky," "haunted," or "forbidden" in the title. <strong>_

_**-Scooby-Doo**_

* * *

><p>"How about Sunny and Cher?"<p>

"Cher's way taller than Sunny. I'm _not_ being Cher," Finn called from the living room, busy setting up his poker table.

"Popeye and Olive Oil?"

"Again, Olive Oil is taller."

"Well I don't see you contributing any ideas," Rachel huffed, continuing to get the food ready for Finn's poker night and her girl's night.

"Batman and Catwoman?" he suggested quickly, hoping that Rachel didn't realize that Catwoman wore a skin tight leather outfit. Just in case though, he had his backup of Wonder Woman ready.

"No. And no to Wonder Woman also," she replied, knowing how her boyfriend's mind works.

Damn.

"Lock and Key? Outlet and plug?"

"_No_. Fred and Wilma or Betty and Barney?" Rachel rattled off. "Oh! I know! Barbra Streisand and her husband James Brolin!"

"They practically wear dresses, so no. I'm _not_ wearing a dress," Finn insisted. "And if you're vetoing my superheroes, I'm vetoing Barbra and her husband."

"Baby, think. This is our second Halloween together. We need something _amazing," _Rachel replied crossly, emptying a bag of chips into a bowl. "Last year, we'd only been back together for a week and a half before Mike's annual Halloween party, so we didn't get to coordinate our costumes."

"That's because for that week and a half we were too busy having shitloads of sex to even think about costumes," Finn replied, coming into the kitchen and standing behind Rachel. He wrapped his arms around her, bending down to start placing kisses along her exposed neck. "There's an idea. How about we skip the party completely and just wear our birthday suits as costumes?"

She smiled, tilting her head as she momentarily lost herself in the feeling of his lips on her neck. He picked his head up to slide the straps of her dress over to start kissing her shoulders, but that slight loss of his lips brought back her previous train of thought. She adjusted the straps back into place. "Don't try and distract me, Finn. Mike and Tina already have their costumes; they're going as _Thing 1_ and _Thing 2_ from Dr. Seuss. We can easily top that."

Finn laughed as he squeezed her body. "I didn't know it was a competition. How about Fred and Daphne from _Scooby-Doo_?"

Rachel bit her lip in thought as she leaned backed against him. "It has possibilities, but I think we can do better."

Finn sighed. He could tell Rachel had put serious thought into this and was purposely tossing out bad ideas because she had something she was waiting for the right moment to introduce. "Baby, I know you've got something up your sleeve, why don't you just tell me so I can finish setting up before the guys get here?"

Rachel turned in his arms, looking up at him. He knew her too well. "Well I did see something I thought would be fun. It's the ghosts of Marie Antoinette and her husband King Louis XVI."

"Huh?"

"Look!" She dragged him over to the computer, quickly opening an internet browser window to show Finn the costumes she'd picked out. Both Marie Antoinette and King Louis XVI wore period clothes that were tattered and torn, as well as decorated with webs. Each had pale skin and crazy hair along with a deep slice in their necks, the results of their run-in with the Guillotine and in Marie Antoinette's hand was a plate with a slice of cake. She stared anxiously at her boyfriend, waiting to see what he thought of her idea.

"He's wearing tights," Finn said doubtfully, peering closely at the screen.

"The gash, baby. Look at the awesome gash in his neck. How cool would it be to have that gash in your throat?" Rachel asked quickly, distracting him from the tights. She really wanted to wear that awesome Marie Antoinette dress (even if it was torn), but it wouldn't be as much fun if he wasn't her king.

"That is pretty sick," Finn agreed. He peered closer. "It's not your typical dead guy."

Rachel beamed, knowing she was about to get her way. She wrapped her arms around his waist, staring up at him. "What do you think, Finny-Bear? It's so much better than _Thing 1_ and _Thing 2_ right?"

Finn stared at the screen, knowing he was fighting a lost cause. "Definitely."

"Good. Because I already reserved them."

He laughed, placing a kiss on her head. "How did I know?"

She stepped out of his embrace, patting his chest before she walked back into the kitchen. "Now that that's settled, we can finish setting up. Kurt, the girls and I are going to be in our room doing mani/pedis and watching chick flicks, so you guys can talk about whatever you want while you play your poker and we won't hear."

"So I can tell the story of what exactly you did for me against the fridge last night?" Finn called out teasingly. Not that he would tell since he knew Rachel would be furious, but she really had some serious talent that he'd like to rub in the guys faces.

Rachel's head shot out of the kitchen. "If you _ever_ want a repeat of what I did for you last night, you will _not_ tell that story, especially in front of Noah."

"I'm only kidding. Relax." He went back to setting up his poker table while Rachel continued getting the snacks for both of their parties.

"Not tell what story in front of me?" Puck asked as he strolled in, a case of beer under one arm and a makeup case in the other. Quinn followed behind, holding a platter of vegetables. "You getting freaky, Berry?"

"Hello to you too, Noah," Rachel replied crossly. As usual, Noah seemed to magically appear the second they began talking about anything relating to any aspect of sex.

"Nice makeup case, Puckerman," Finn snickered.

"Not tell me what?" he insisted, handing the case of beer to Finn and ignoring his smartass comment at the same time.

"Our Halloween costumes. Finn and I have the best costumes, but it's a secret," Rachel lied, trying to distract him.

Puck scoffed. "Can't be better than what Q and I have."

"That's still under negotiation," Quinn threatened, placing her platter on the counter. "In no way have I agreed to it."

"_Come on_, you know there's no awesomer costume," Puck whined, taking his customary seat at the poker table. Finn tossed him a beer as he did the same.

"I'm not discussing it now. Come on, Rachel."

Grabbing both the platter and Rachel's hand, Quinn dragged Rachel down the hall to the bedroom. "I _cannot _hear how awesome his costume idea is again."

"What does he want to be?" Rachel asked curiously.

Quinn rolled her eyes. "What do you think? He wants to be Mario and wants _me_ to be Princess Peach."

Rachel fell back on the bed laughing. "That sounds like Noah!"

"I'm _not_ being some stupid video game character. I wanted to be something sexy, but he won't shut up about that stupid Mario costume."

The girls started setting up, more than ready to begin their (almost) boyless night.

"Ok, ladies, who's ready to get their nails done?" Kurt asked a few minutes later, waltzing into the room, one hand holding a bottle of wine while the other wheeled in his rolling train case of nail care supplies. Mercedes, Tina and Brittany were all right behind him, holding their own cosmetic cases and various munchies.

"I am," Quinn said firmly. "Start pouring, Kurt."

"Boy trouble?" he asked sympathetically.

"He wants me to wear some stupid costume so he can be Mario and not look as dumb," Quinn explained, holding out her glass impatiently.

Kurt rolled his eyes as he began pouring. "Blaine didn't dare suggest a costume to me. I've been planning my Gaga costume for two months. If he wants to look like a fool and be Austin Powers, that's his prerogative, but you wouldn't catch me in a velour leisure suit and ruffled shirt."

"Finn wanted to be Batman and wanted me to be Catwoman," Rachel added, holding out her own glass. "Why do they have such juvenile tastes?"

"Because they're oversized five year olds. Mike's original idea was to be two Transformers. I consider _Thing 1_ and _Thing 2_ an upgrade," Tina contributed, popping in the first DVD before she climbed onto the bed.

"I'm going to be Lord Tubbington. I wanted Artie to be his cat condo, but he refused. He's going as Waldo from _Where's Waldo_," Brittany announced, settling onto the bed to begin painting Tina's nails.

"Well, we all know how to distract them to get what we want, don't we, ladies?" Kurt replied smirking as he settled onto the bed next to Rachel to commence the hair brushing.

"That's how I got him off the topic last night." Quinn rummaged through her train case, trying to decide which color she wanted on her nails. "By the time we were done, he'd completely forgotten about the Mario costume until just now when he heard Rachel talking about her and Finn's costumes."

"Which are what, by the way?" Kurt asked, pausing his brushing.

"Finn and I are going as the ghosts of Marie Antoinette and King Louis XVI. Finn was concerned about the tights, but I distracted him with the guillotine gash that comes with the costume," Rachel announced smugly. "I can't wait to wear that dress. It's so gorgeous, even if it is tattered. It's the whole reason I picked it."

"And you didn't have to do anything else?" Quinn asked, smirking. "Something against the fridge, perhaps?"

Rachel blushed crimson as all faces turned to stare at her. "That may have been part of my master plan to get him to agree."

"Puck may not have heard that part, but I certainly did," Quinn went on. "Spill."

"Ew. Please don't." Kurt, his face wearing a look of disgust, climbed off the bed. "At least wait till I'm out of hearing range."

He bolted off the bed and out the door, muttering about having to get something from the kitchen.

Rachel watched him go for a moment before getting ready to spill. Despite her earlier warning to Finn about not telling what she'd done last night, she had no qualms about telling the story to her girls. "Well Finn came home in a bad mood and I knew I needed to get him in a good mood…"

Eagerly, the girls all leaned forward with the exception of Mercedes, who'd been lying on Finn's side of the bed, clutching a throw pillow in one hand and a glass of wine in the other, her eyes focused on the TV. Quinn, Brittany and Tina all smirked at Rachel's story.

"I don't understand the attraction of that. They'll do _anything_ for even the possibility of it," Tina commented scratching her head. "I got Mike to help my grandmother move from her home into a senior citizen's complex just by doing it."

Rachel shrugged. "I don't know. I just know it gets me what I want."

"Artie agreed to come to the ballet with me in exchange for one," Brittany added as she finished Tina's left hand and began on her right. "Why don't you ask Kurt what the attraction is?"

"Oh good idea." Rachel climbed off the bed, walking over to the door. "Kurt! You can come back now!"

"Thank God. They're currently arguing over whether or not Blaine's fantasy football pick was good or something like that," Kurt announced as he strolled back in and reclaimed his position on the bed, as did Rachel. "I'm assuming we're done talking about whatever Rachel did that I _never_ want to know about, so what are we talking about now?"

"We want to know about _it,_" Brittany replied, looking up from Tina's hand.

"It?"

"_It."_ Brittany cast a significant look down at Kurt's groin. "Or more importantly, we want to know why guys will do anything for it."

Kurt looked confused for a second until he saw Brittany make a certain motion. His face lit up in understanding. "Oh! Well ladies, let me educate you. What I'm about to tell you will probably help all of your relationships."

He immediately began providing the girls with the answers to their questions. Mercedes sighed and climbed off the bed, alerting the others to her presence. She'd been so quiet; they'd completely forgotten that she was even there. "You know what? I'm going to go."

"Why? You just got here," Rachel pointed out, the surprise evident in her tone. "You didn't even do your nails."

"I…just have to go, ok?" Mercedes snapped. No way was she about to admit that as the only single person in the room, she'd been excluded from the conversation which had revolved exclusively around relationships and relationship problems. And since Vlad probably had a better chance of finding a date than she did, she wasn't in the mood to sit here and listen to them discuss how happy they were with their respective others.

She stormed out of the room, not bothering to take any of her stuff. The other occupants of the room stared after her flabbergasted. Rachel managed to recover from her shock first, jumping off the bed and following Mercedes. "Mer! Wait!"

Mercedes paused near the poker table, halting the game frequently played by the occupants of said table entitled _Real Knockers or not?_ "What, Rachel? I really need to get out of here."

"Mer, why?"

"Because," she snapped, aware that she sounded incredibly childish. The other occupants of the bedroom came out, standing behind Rachel.

"Was it what we were talking about? If the subject of male genitalia and sexual acts makes you uncomfortable, we can talk about something else."

"Whoa, what were you guys doing in there?" Puck interjected curiously, looking around at the other guys, each of whom had perked up once Rachel mentioned what they'd been talking about. "Discussing technique?"

Mercedes ignored Puck, watching Rachel unknowingly add fuel to the fire when she went to stand over near Finn, who automatically wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her closer. Mercedes stared at Finn's hand which had begun softly stroking Rachel's hip unconsciously. "God, Rachel, I'm not a prude. You don't get it, none of you do. I just _need _to leave."

"But-"

"I'll see you another time ok?" Without another word, Mercedes stomped over to the door and exited, leaving behind a shocked group of friends in her wake.

* * *

><p>"I don't get it. Why would she leave like that?" Rachel asked from the comfort of Finn's chest. After Mercedes' outburst and departure, Rachel had quickly retreated to the bathroom. Finn had wisely followed her, ready to let Rachel unload whatever had just happened on him.<p>

"I don't know, baby," he offered, honestly at a loss of what to say. "Maybe she was just in a bad mood."

"No. I know her. There's more to it than that."

"What _were_ you guys talking about? Maybe it made her uncomfortable?" he asked, trying to help Rachel, but also dying to know _why _they'd been discussing guy's junk.

"No, we talk about stuff like that all the time. That's not it." She pulled away from him, checking her appearance in the mirror.

Finn stared at her in surprise. "Seriously? You talk about my junk?"

She smiled coyly at him in the mirror. "Like you guys don't get together and talk about our chests."

"I don't give specifics!"

"Who said I did?" Rachel asked, even though she totally did, unless Kurt was there. If he wasn't there though, and it was just the girls, specifics were freely discussed among Quinn, Brittany, Rachel and Tina. "Besides, I've heard you tell Noah that my breasts fit perfectly in your hands."

"What do you say then?" he demanded. Kurt had never told him that girls talk about _that._ Where would they even talk about stuff like that? It's not like Rachel had a poker night where she could discuss this. Was she comparing him to other guys? His face contorted in horror as a new thought struck him. "Do you discuss my junk in front of _Kurt_?"

"Of course not! Why do you think Kurt left the room before?" Satisfied that her appearance was ok, she decided to get back to her friends, figuring the girls and Kurt would be able to offer insight into why Mercedes had stormed out, since Finn couldn't.

"Good. So then-" Finn exhaled, one worry gone, only to be immediately replaced by another. "Whoa. If Kurt left the room before, that means you were talking about me. Did you tell them about last night?" he asked suspiciously, ready to pout at the injustice. She was allowed to tell her friends, but he couldn't tell his?

"Don't worry about it, Finny." Trailing a finger along his groin, she headed back out of the bathroom, Finn following behind, deep in thought at this new development.

The girls and Kurt were now installed around the poker table, discussing Mercedes' sudden exit. Finn sat back down at his seat, Rachel sliding easily into his lap.

"Maybe she had diarrhea," Kurt suggested, his head propped on his chin as he looked around the group.

"Maybe," Tina replied doubtfully. "But she would have told me or Rachel that."

"You guys really _do_ talk about everything," Finn commented to Rachel, who simply smiled and kissed his forehead.

"God you guys are dumb."

All eyes turned to look at Puck, who crossed his arms defiantly. "Am I the only one who heard what she said?"

"Enlighten us stupid people, O Wise One," Rachel responded, her voice laced with sarcasm. "What did she say that was so important?"

"I've waiting years for you to say that, Berry." Puck smirked, leaning back in his chair before continuing. "Aretha stood right there and said _'you don't get it, none of you do.'_"

"So?"

Puck sighed. "Look around this table, Berry. Notice anything?"

Rachel did as requested. From her place on Finn's lap, she glanced around at the other occupants of the table. Like her, Brittany was perched on Artie's lap, sharing his wheelchair. Tina was sitting in the chair next to Mike, her head resting on his shoulder. Kurt and Blaine were seated next to each other, their chairs abnormally close, while Noah had his arm draped over the back of Quinn's chair. Not noticing anything usual, she looked back at Noah expectantly. "I don't notice anything."

Puck stared at her. "You are seriously dense. I think all the sex you've been getting this past year has officially fried your brain."

"Noah!"

"_Puck_." This came from Finn, laced with warning about insulting Rachel.

"Fine. Berry, if you take a look around the table, you'll notice that every single person is paired off with their boyfriend or girlfriend. There's nobody single. The only person who was just stormed out."

Rachel's mouth dropped open. _Noah_ realized what was wrong and she hadn't? Since when was he so insightful?

"She's probably pissed because you guys were bragging about how fucking fantastic us guys are in the sack," Puck added, back to his normal self.

"That's _not_ what we were talking about," Quinn retorted, slapping Puck on his arm lightly.

"If you're right about Mercedes, Noah, maybe we should try and do something." Rachel had that gleam in her eye that made Finn nervous. He knew what it meant.

Rachel was getting ready to matchmake again.

Which would be fine, if she was any good at it. While she did take credit for Brittany and Artie, she refused to admit that it was a total accident. Finn secretly felt that _he_ was responsible for Brittany and Artie, since he was the one who gave Brittany Artie's office number to call for a ride, but he wasn't about to voice that opinion to Rachel.

"Babe-"

"Later, Finny. Ladies, Kurt, let's go finish our facials." She patted Finn's shoulder as she climbed off him, strolling purposely towards the bedroom. Kurt, Tina, Quinn and Brittany all followed eagerly behind, ready to discuss potential mates for Mercedes.

Finn sighed, turning back to the remaining guys. "At least they aren't talking about our junk. Did you guys know they do that? Like discuss specifics?"

"No shit?" Puck asked, tossing some chips onto the pile. "I got nothing to worry about but you guys might pale in comparison. Ante up, Ladies."

Artie groaned, tossing his chips onto the pile. "They don't do that."

"They totally do. Rachel just told me." Finn tossed his own chips on the pile, Mike and Blaine doing the same.

"All right men. The game is Texas Hold'em." He quickly dealt the cards before returning to the topic at hand. "How specific do you think they get?"

"I don't know. Rachel left before I could get an answer. I'll ask her tonight." He glanced at his cards, frowning when he realized he had crap. "I'm out."

"I'm in." Mike threw his chips onto the pile.

"Me too," Blaine announced, tossing a few chips on top of Mike's.

"Puck?" Artie asked, placing his own cards on the table to signal that he was out.

Puck leaned back in his chair, tapping his cards on the table. "How about we make this interesting, Ladies?"

"How so?" Finn asked suspiciously. "Last time you wanted to make it interesting Artie ended up getting a new wheelchair."

"Like I was supposed to know that wheelchairs don't handle hills well. Besides, I was the one that ended up crashing into that mailbox at the bottom of the hill, not him." He tapped his cards on the table again. "I have something much safer in mind this time."

"What?" Blaine asked; his voice just as suspicious as Finn's.

"If I win, I get to pick your Halloween costumes."

"And if Blaine or I win?"

"You get the money on the table."

"What kind of deal is that? You'll put us in Mario costumes or make us dress like women to look stupid," Mike replied, crossing his arms.

"Besides, Rachel and I already have our costumes," Finn added.

Puck smirked. That had totally been his plan, just not with Mario. He'd been planning on Muppet Babies, with Finn as Fozzie, Mike as Gonzo and Artie as Rolf. "Lemme guess. Berry got you to agree to something where you have to wear tights, right Romeo?"

"We're not going as Romeo and Juliet," Finn protested. "We're going as the ghosts of Marie Antoinette and King Louis something."

"Even worse. Why don't you go as the ghosts of your balls because you sure as hell don't have them anymore."

"I get to have a big bloody gash on my neck," Finn defended.

Puck ignored him. "How about this? If I win, I pick your costumes out for Mike and Tina's party. If I lose, we get to pick costumes for each other."

"Rachel's not going to go for this," Finn said doubtfully. "She wants to go as a pair."

"I'll deal with her. Are we all in?" Puck glanced around getting some hesitant nods before he began yelling for Quinn. "Hey Q! Get out here for a second!"

"Must you yell?" Quinn appeared in the hallway, walking like a penguin since her hands and feet were now polished and currently drying. Her hair was pulled back with a thick white headband to avoid the green mud mask on her face. "What do you want?"

Puck looked up from his cards and jumped. "You look like a fucking Ninja Turtle with that mask on."

"What do you want?" she repeated, unable to do anything but stare since her mask was almost dry.

"We have a proposition for you that I think you might like. Get the girls and Hummel in here."

Quinn sighed, calling for everyone to join her. Momentarily they came out, each wearing the same green mask that Quinn had on.

"What, Noah?" Rachel asked, placing one hand on her hip.

"Well Leonardo, like I told Q, I have a proposition that you and the rest of the Ninja Turtles will like."

"Which is what? Make it quick, our masks are almost dry," Rachel directed, her hand not leaving her hip.

"If I win this hand, I get to pick the guy's costumes for Mike's party. If either Mike or Blaine wins, we pick the costumes for each other."

"_What?_" Rachel exclaimed. "If you think that-"

"Meaning what?" Kurt cut in. "You idiots are picking for each other?"

"No Donatello, the eight of us will pick for each other."

"Interesting." Kurt tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Come girls. Let's discuss our terms."

The girls and Kurt huddled a little distance away, leaving the boys straining to hear their whispers, or in Rachel's case, her frequent exclamations of _I'm not doing it._ Something must have made her change her mind, because she presently shut up, a weird smile on her face that made Finn shift uncomfortably.

"All right, Puckerman. Here's what we want," Quinn announced. If doing this meant she didn't have to dress like a Nintendo character, she was more than willing to go through with this.

"_What?_ This is our bet. You don't get to add to it, Q," Puck sputtered.

"Oh really?" she replied in a tone that Puck knew meant he might end up on the couch tonight if he wasn't careful.

He sighed. "Fine. What do you want?"

Quinn smiled as best she could in her now stiff mask. She waddled over to Puck, sitting carefully in his lap. "I thought you'd see it my way. Here's what we want. First, the names will be picked out of a hat and not by you."

Damn. He'd totally been planning on choosing Rachel if he lost.

"Second, all costumes must involve covering of some kind. No nudity, Noah," Rachel said firmly, sitting down in Finn's lap.

Double Damn.

"Third, you can't pick yourself," Kurt added. "And also, costumes and the person you choose should be kept a secret until the day of the party."

"And fourth, whatever is picked for you is what you wear. No refusing to wear it because it has tights or something," Tina threw in. "Sound good, boys?"

"I guess so. Let's see who won," Puck replied, placing down his cards. "Read'em and weep, boys. Hope you like dressing like a girl, Chang."

"Hope _you_ like dressing like a hot dog, because my cards are better than yours, Puck," Blaine announced, revealing his winning hand and earning high fives from Finn, Mike and Artie, each of whom had been having nightmares about whatever costume Puck would choose for them.

Rachel jumped off of Finn's lap and came back a few minutes later holding a bowl full of scraps of paper. "I placed everyone's name in here. Remember you can't pick yourself and whoever you get, you get. No trading. Since Blaine won, he can choose first."

Finn watched her closely, wondering what she was up to. She was a little _too_ into this now. "Hold on, Blaine. Lemme see something."

He peered into the bowl and immediately looked up at Rachel who was the portrait of innocence. "Babe, why are some of them folded really tiny and others really big?"

"Oh, are they? I didn't notice," she replied, doing a poor job of concealing her guilt. She wilted under Finn's raised eyebrow. "Fine."

She quickly got to work folding all of them the same way before holding the bowl out to Blaine. He chose a slip, smirking when he saw the name written there. One by one, they did the same, until each of them was left holding a slip of paper.

"Are we done here?" Kurt asked. "Because we need to get these masks off. Come Ladies."

He waited until they were all safely in Rachel's bedroom before he shut the door and looked at them. "Alright Finn spoiled our first plan, but it's no big deal. We'll just proceed to step two."

"I got Artie," Rachel announced. She couldn't _believe_ that Finn had caught on. Just like they'd decided in the huddle, she'd purposely made the papers with boy's names (with the exception of Kurt) bigger, figuring that the boys would pick them and then would have each other to torment, while the girls and Kurt could give each other nice costumes.

"That's good. We can work with that," Kurt decided. "Brittany?"

"I got Quinn."

Quinn squealed, relieved that Puck hadn't chosen her. Although knowing Brittany, it probably meant she was going to be a cat but at least she could be a sexy cat.

Kurt nodded approvingly. "Quinn? Who'd you get?"

"Rachel."

Rachel exhaled. She'd able to wear her Marie Antoinette dress after all.

"I got Blaine," Tina offered.

Kurt smirked. "Excellent."

"What about you, Kurt? Who'd you get?"

Kurt grinned widely. "That's the best part. I got Puckerman."

The girls grinned, each thinking of what they'd love to see Puck in.

"So we're all in agreement, girls?" Kurt asked. "We'll meet at the costume shop tomorrow to pick out costumes for Puck, Artie and Blaine. Rachel, you and Quinn can help pick out your own costumes. Start thinking of ideas. But more importantly, at the moment we don't know who has me, Tina, or Brittany, which means we have some work to do. And we all know how to get that information out of them."

Each girl nodded solemnly.

"Now, your other homework is just as important. I want each of you to think of someone who's single that you could invite to Tina's party for Mercedes to meet. I've already got someone in mind."

The girls nodded, each trying to think of someone, wanting Mercedes to be as happy as they were and find someone as awesome as their boyfriends.

Even if the idiots they loved were currently attempting to see who could create the worst smelling gas.

* * *

><p>"<em>Finally. <em>What took you so long?" Kurt bitched as Rachel walked into the costume shop.

"I had a meeting about my book cover," Rachel said, distracted by the thousands of costumes hanging all over the place.

"Has anyone spoken to Mercedes?" Brittany draped a feather boa around her neck, examining herself in the mirror.

Rachel shook her head. "She wouldn't answer my calls."

"Or mine."

"Mine either."

"She didn't answer when I called either. We already picked your costume, since you were late Rachel," Kurt announced, pawing through a nearby rack.

"But I wanted to be Marie Antoinette!"

"Relax, Rachel. You still are." Quinn emerged from the dressing room wearing a sexy cat costume, just like she'd predicted. "What do you think?"

Kurt whistled as he took in her costume. "Puck's not going to know what hit him if you wear that. You're one kissable kitty."

Quinn laughed as she twirled around. The super short strapless black dress had fur trim along the hem and sweetheart neckline, matching the black furry tail that was attached to the back. Elbow length fingerless gloves and a black choker completed the ensemble. She slid on the furry ears, adjusting them until she was comfortable. "I have a pair of heels that lace up to my knees that I could wear with this."

"Here Rachel. Try this on." Tina shoved a dress bag at Rachel who promptly went into a dressing room.

She gasped in happiness when she saw the costume. As promised, it was a Marie Antoinette costume, but a much, much sexier version. The v-shaped bodice of the tiny pink satin dress was white, with a series of small pink bows trailing down it. White lace outlined the v-shape traveling over her shoulders and around her neck. The pink satin gave way lacy bell sleeves around her elbows. Like Quinn's dress, Rachel's dress was super short, the stiff pink skirt flowing to about mid-thigh, sitting atop layers of white lace, tulle and some crinoline.

Happily, she put it on, admiring the effect in the mirror before she pulled on the thigh high stockings and wig. She finished her look with the classic Marie Antoinette fan and choker. Carefully, she stepped out of the dressing room, holding the dress to her chest. "This costume is _amazing!_ Someone needs to do the corset for me."

Tina quickly did up the corset, stepping back to admire the effect. The tightened corset showcased her tiny waist as well as gave her cleavage. Kurt paused his rummaging to stare. "Oh boy, my brother better be wearing a costume with a hat so he can keep it in front of groin because this costume is going to drive him _insane._"

Rachel laughed. "I know. We might not make it to the party if I let him see me beforehand."

"Ew. Did not need to know that." Kurt wrinkled his nose in distaste.

"You started it." She twirled around, admiring her dress while her wig slipped askew.

"Did anyone get anything out of their men last night?" Kurt asked, seemingly looking for something specific in the racks.

"I did. You better pick out what kind of superhero costume you like Tina, because that's what you're getting," Rachel announced. Tina nodded in understanding and rushed over to the rack of superhero costumes. She grabbed one and rushed off to the dressing room.

"How did you find that out, Rachel? Against the fridge?" Quinn smirked, watching Rachel go crimson and Kurt covered his ears.

"Actually no. The shower. I-" Rachel's explanation was cut short by Quinn grabbing her and shoving her into the dressing room Tina was occupying. Kurt did the same, grabbing Brittany and pushing her into the empty dressing room next door.

"What is going on?" Tina demanded.

"Mike and Blaine are here!" Quinn hissed, peeking out from behind the curtain.

"Really? That liar! He told me he was going help his mother with something," Tina cried, peeking out the other side of the curtain.

"Shh! Maybe we can find out who they have. We still don't know who has Brittany or Kurt," Rachel admonished, kneeling down to peek under Tina. Fortunately, their hiding place was near where Blaine and Mike were examining costumes.

"Remind me again how we got into this?" Mike asked, frowning as he looked around.

"Hey it could be worse. Puck could be picking out costumes for _us._ Be glad I won," Blaine pointed out. "Otherwise we'd all be in embarrassing costumes. Of course, I plan on putting my person in a horrifying costume, so they really lose either way. I wish I had gotten Kurt; that would been so great."

Mike laughed as he leafed through the costume catalogue on the counter while Blaine signaled a salesperson to come over.

"Can I help you?"

Blaine grabbed the catalogue from Mike, flipping until he found a certain page. "I'd like to reserve this and have it delivered to this address."

"A good choice," the salesgirl agreed taking the slip of paper with the address on it. "Let just get your measurements. I'd say you're a size small."

"Oh, it's not for me. The person who's going to be wearing it is 6'3. Does it come with the makeup?"

"He's got Finn!" Rachel whispered excitedly, watching as the salesgirl nodded and wrote something down.

Mike peered over at the page, bursting out laughing when he saw what it was. "He's going to _kill_ you."

Blaine grinned. "That's what makes it fun. What about you? Please tell me you have Kurt."

Mike shook his head. "Sorry. I got Brittany."

"You gonna make her Lord Tubbington?"

"No, that's too easy. I thought I'd make her a gangster."

Rachel grinned as a "_shhh" _followed Brittany's squeal of excitement in the next dressing room. She watched as Blaine and Mike paid for their costume choices and finally exited. They waited a few more minutes before leaving their hiding spot.

"Alright, if Mike has Brittany and Blaine has Finn, that means that either Artie or Puck has Kurt. If it's Artie, we're ok, but if it's Puck…" Quinn's voice trailed off, not wanting to voice what they were all thinking.

Kurt nodded miserably. "If it's Puck, I'm humiliated."

Rachel put her arm around him. "Well you have him, so find something that would humiliate _him_."

"Yeah, find something that he'd be horrified if his idol Hugh Hefner ever found out about," Quinn added, pulling the cat ears off her head.

Kurt stared at her, his eyes getting a weird gleam. "What did you say?"

"I said find something that he'd never want his idol to know about."

"Hugh Hefner," Kurt repeated. He ran over to a rack, pawing through it frantically. "How about this costume, girls?"

The girls grinned at Kurt's costume choice.

Saturday night suddenly couldn't come fast enough.

* * *

><p>"Babe? I'm home!"<p>

"We're in here!"

Rachel followed Finn's voice to the living room, finding him stretched out on the couch with Vlad asleep on his stomach. His eyes were focused on the TV, following the hockey puck go back and forth across the ice on the screen. She smiled, watching as Vlad awoke and stood on Finn's stomach, circling as he tried to find a more comfortable spot to resume his nap. "Room for one more?"

His eyes tore their gaze away from the TV. "Depends."

Rachel, who'd been just about to climb onto the couch, paused. She placed a hand on her hip and arched an eyebrow. "_Depends_?"

Finn nodded. "Well, I was just talking with my man Vlad, and it turns out we're both feeling kind of neglected today."

"Neglected? How so?"

He pursed his lips in mock concentration. "Well, you got up this morning and immediately started texting and calling Mercedes. Then you took a shower – alone, I might add – and went out."

"I had a meeting!"

"I was upset, but poor Vlad's been _so_ upset that I've had to spend all day comforting him and letting him sleep on me. You're gonna need to make it up to us." He gestured to the still sleeping Chihuahua on his chest, who clearly looked anything _but_ upset.

Rachel smiled, playing along. "We can't have that, can we?"

She grabbed the Chihuahua, holding him up to place a big kiss on his head before cuddling him close to her chest. Finn gazed up at her, expecting the same treatment after she was done with Vlad, but to his surprise, she kept Vlad cuddled against her as she walked away towards the bedroom.

"Hey! No fair!"

Rachel glanced over her shoulder just in time to see Finn jump off the couch and follow them. She laughed and tried to outrun him, but he easily caught up to them, grabbing her from behind and tackling her. She squealed as he hugged her to his chest, playfully biting her neck.

Finn picked Rachel and Vlad up bridal style, carrying them to the bedroom. He tossed a laughing Rachel onto the bed, climbing on top of her as Vlad scrambled to get away. "Where's _my_ kiss and cuddle?" he demanded, tickling her.

Rachel squealed again as she tried to cover her stomach. "Alright! I'll kiss you too!"

Finn grinned as Rachel pulled his head towards her, letting him slide his tongue easily into her mouth. They made out for a few minutes, before Finn finally pulled away from her. "That's better. Now that I'm not feeling so neglected, I can tell you about the interesting visit Vlad and I had."

Rachel's eyes followed him as he sat up on one elbow, his other hand resting on her stomach. "Who came over?"

"Mercedes."

"_Mercedes_ was here? Why? What did she say?" Rachel demanded as she sat up. "She won't return my calls."

Finn rubbed his neck awkwardly. "Well Vlad and I were just having lunch…"

"_See, little dude? That's why I benched Green on my fantasy football team. Puck didn't bench him and look how much he sucked today." Finn pointed at the screen with his sandwich, gesturing to the player's stats being displayed on the screen, not noticing that Vlad was more transfixed by the sandwich than the stats. His diligence paid off when a blob of chicken salad fell out of Finn's sandwich and onto his leg. Vlad pounced, ridding Finn's leg of the chicken salad immediately while Finn continued educating Vlad about his fantasy football team and why it was going to do better than Puck's._

_A knocking on the door distracted him from his musings. He shoved the last bit of sandwich into his mouth, placing his plate on the coffee table before heading to answer the door. Mercedes was waiting on the other side, her arms crossed and a scowl on her face._

"_Oh, hey Mercedes."_

_He stepped aside to let Mercedes in, but she remained in the hall. "Is Rachel home?"_

"_Nope. She had a meeting about her book cover," Finn replied, leaning against the door._

"_In that case, I'll come in. I only came for my stuff." She breezed past a bewildered Finn, looking around expectantly. "Where is it?"_

"_Uh, I have no idea." _

_Mercedes stalked down the hallway towards the bedroom, Finn and Vlad following. Not seeing her makeup case, she stomped back down the hallway to the living room. She spotted her case on the floor next to the couch and grabbed it._

_Finn rubbed his neck awkwardly as he paused in the doorway. "Uh… are you mad at Rachel or something?"_

"_No, I'm not mad at her."_

"'_Cause she thinks you are."_

"_Well, I'm not."_

"_You won't return any of her calls," he pointed out._

_Mercedes whirled around to face Finn. "Look, just because I left early doesn't mean I'm mad at her or anyone else."_

_Finn held up his hands. "Ok, ok."_

_Mercedes sank onto the couch, her anger seemingly deflated. "It's just…did Rachel ever tell you that Emma's whole article idea was inspired by me and my horrible dating life?"_

"_Uh…I don't think so." Honestly, he blocked all memories of that bet from his mind, other than that amazing article Rachel wrote. She'd actually framed the article and had hung it in the hallway and he often liked to reread it as he went past._

"_Well it was. Rachel, who __**never**__ dated, gets picked for that article and ends up meeting the man of her dreams, a man who just so happens to have a friend for Tina and Brittany and even works with someone who's willing to date Puck."_

"_Oh." Finn, at a loss of what to say, glanced desperately at the door, hoping someone, __**anyone**__ would walk through the door and help him. Hell, he'd even take Puck right now. "So you're mad I didn't know anyone for you when I met Rachel? Puck was actually right?"_

_Mercedes threw up her hands. "For the last time, I'm not mad! I'm just…you know what, never mind. I have to go."_

_She stood up, grabbing her makeup case, attempting to move past Finn in the doorway, but unable to do so since his large body filled up most of the doorframe. "Can you move, White Boy?"_

"_Are you coming to Mike's party?"_

"_Yes. No. I don't know."_

"_Which is it?" He continued blocking the doorway, Mercedes' shoves doing little to move him._

_Mercedes sighed. "I don't know. I don't even have a costume."_

"_So? Go to the costume store and pick the one costume you've always wanted to wear," Finn suggested, before adding bitterly, "Something I can't do, thanks to Puck and his stupid ideas."_

_Mercedes looked thoughtful. "There __**is**__ one thing I always wanted to go as…Alright. I'll go."_

"_Swear?"_

"_Yes. Now move, Justin Timberlake."_

_Finn stepped aside, letting Mercedes pass. Silently, she slipped out the door, leaving Finn wondering what the hell had just happened._

"She really said that?" Rachel sat up on her elbows, staring hard at her boyfriend.

"What?" His fingers, which had been rubbing her stomach under her shirt in a covert effort to get her in the mood for some late afternoon sex, paused their rubbing as he looked at her.

"About me meeting you and you having someone for Tina and Noah?"

"Oh. Yeah." His fingers resumed their rubbing as he answered her, unsure of where she currently stood on the afternoon sex.

"And she's coming to the party?"

"She said she was." He shrugged as best he could, letting his fingers move higher towards her chest as inspiration struck him. "You know, she wasn't going to come at all, until I convinced her to go get a costume. You really should be thanking me."

Rachel's eyes narrowed as she felt his hand move dangerously close to her bra. "Why do I get the feeling you already have something in mind?"

"Because I do." His hand reached its destination, causing Rachel to close her eyes.

"I need to call Tina," she protested weakly as he lowered his head to kiss her neck.

"Later," he murmured against her neck.

"Finn…"

His name came out half protest and half moan making Finn smile against her neck. "Yes, baby?"

Rachel sighed, knowing she was fighting a lost cause, especially since now that he'd started she didn't want him to stop. "I'll give you fifteen minutes, but then I really need to call Tina."

"I can work with that," he promised, sealing their agreement with a kiss.

"Good because you don't get a minute more." She bit her lip, feeling his lips ghosting over her collarbone. "Well, _maybe_ a few minutes more."

* * *

><p>"So what's the deal with Mercedes? Is she coming or not?" Mike bent down, filling the wash bucket the keg was sitting in with ice as he waited for Tina's answer.<p>

"I hope so. No one's heard from her."

"She hasn't even called Rachel?" Mike asked as he tapped the keg. "It's been like four days since she stormed out of Rachel and Finn's."

"I know. The only one who's spoken to her is Finn and only because she needed her makeup case." Tina shook her head, placing a stack of red plastic cups on the table. "Rachel said that Finn got her to promise to come. She better show; I invited that cute guy from the 10th floor and another one from the 6th floor, although he's not as cute."

Mike arched an eyebrow at his girlfriend's words. "10th floor guy is cute? How did you meet him?"

"We make love in the laundry room every Tuesday while you're at work," Tina replied, her face serious for a moment before she burst out laughing. "I'm kidding. We usually do our laundry at the same time, so we talk while we load the machines."

Huh. Maybe he should be taking more of an interest in doing the laundry from now on. He opened his mouth, about to ask Tina another question about 10th Floor guy, but before he could, a knocking on the door sounded, announcing the arrivals of their costumes.

"Ooo, our costumes are here!" Tina ran to the door, more than ready to don the super sexy costume she'd tried on at the store. She eagerly grabbed the black dress bags from Andre, almost slamming the door in the poor doorman's face in her excitement. She threw the bag labeled _Mike_ at her boyfriend as she ran down the hall to their bedroom. She'd already done her hair and makeup, all that was missing was the costume.

Quickly, she slipped on the costume, adding the pair of red knee high boots she'd bought to wear with it. Rachel had had a stroke of genius at the store when she'd shown the salesgirl a picture of Finn on her phone and made her promise that when he came in to order the superhero costume for Tina she'd write down the number for _this _superhero costume instead.

The bright blue strapless corset, emblazoned with the famous Superman logo and hemmed with gold fit her perfectly, as did the small red skirt. The red cape attached around her neck, flowing behind her.

Mike strolled into the bedroom, dropping his bag in surprise when he saw Tina. "You look amazing, T. Maybe we should cancel the party."

Tina nodded happily. "Finn picked out an awesome costume for me. What did you get?"

Mike laughed. "We'll kind of match, thanks to Artie."

Tina burst out laughing when she saw what Mike pulled out of the bag. Like Finn, Artie had decided to make Mike a favorite character of his, only his character of choice was Princess Leia. Her laughter grew as she watched Mike don the famous white dress Leia wore for most of the movie, erupting into full blown hysterics when she saw him put on the wig, giving him the two perfect buns over each ear Leia made famous. Large white boots and a fake gun completed his outfit.

"If we look this good, I can't _wait _to see what everyone else got to wear," Mike commented, laughing at himself in the mirror as knocking was heard on their front door. "Ready to party, Supergirl?"

"Ready, Princess Leia."

Together, they headed out to see who was at the door, more than ready to see who was at the door and get the party started.

* * *

><p>"So how did Finn react when he saw his costume?" Brittany the super sexy gangster asked giggling as she watched Finn talking with Mike and Artie. The party was in full swing and most of the guests had arrived, although Quinn, Puck, Kurt, Blaine and Mercedes had yet to show. "Artie burst out laughing when he saw the costume you'd picked out, Rachel."<p>

Rachel grinned, looking over at Artie, who was dressed like Gumby. "If only Finn had the same reaction."

"_Babe, our costumes just arrived!" Finn called excitedly as he came into the living room. Rachel put down the magazine she'd been reading, eager to see what Blaine had chosen for Finn. He handed her a bag, practically ripping open his bag in his excitement. A note fell out and he grabbed it, reading it aloud._

_**Consider this payback for the short jokes. –Blaine**_

_Getting a bad feeling, he reached into the black bag with slightly less enthusiasm than before pulling out a pair of what looked like white overalls. Finn stared at the pants confused, while Rachel, recognizing them immediately, burst out laughing._

"_Feel like making some chocolate, Finny?" she teased, waiting for Finn to put two and two together._

"_No fucking way. I'm not going as an Oompa Loompa," Finn declared, pulling out the burgundy shirt and striped socks. "No way I'm wearing the elf shoes either."_

"_Oh yes you are," Rachel said firmly, reaching into the bag for the makeup kit. "This was your stupid poker idea, you're going as an Oompa Loompa. Now put the costume on so I can do your makeup."_

_After some grumbling, Finn put on the costume, sitting on a kitchen chair so Rachel could get to work making his face and neck the bright orange color necessary to be an Oompa Loompa. _

"_I must say, I think you'll make an adorable Oompa Loompa," Rachel commented, smearing the orange paint onto his face gently._

"_Blaine's so dead. I hope whoever has him picked something good," Finn grumbled, secretly enjoying Rachel caressing his face as she spread the makeup. "I don't even get to have a cool gash!"_

"_Close your eyes and don't talk," Rachel directed. "As for Blaine's costume, I may know something about it, even if I didn't have him."_

"_Really? What did they pick?"_

"_That's for me to know and you to find out." She finished smearing the orange paint all over his face and neck, opening up the white paint next. Carefully she painted two thick white lines over Finn's eyebrows before reaching for the green wig. She placed it on his head, adjusting it for a minute before she was satisfied. She took a few steps backwards, laughing at the Oompa Loompa sitting in the chair. "Baby, you look so cute. Go put on your elf shoes and gloves while I get dressed."_

_She put on her costume and did her makeup quickly, dying to see Finn's reaction to her costume. She found him on his hands and knees in front of Vlad's castle, trying to coax the little Chihuahua out._

_"What are you doing to him?" Rachel asked, concerned about the growls coming from inside the castle._

_"I'm not doing anything to him. He's afraid of my costume. He-" Finn glanced at the long pair of legs that had just appeared next to him, his eyes traveling upwards and taking in Rachel's costume. His mouth dropped open at the sight of Rachel holding the little dress to her chest. "Babe. I..."_

_"Yes, Finny?" She grinned coquettishly, pleased that she'd rendered him speechless. __She turned around, waiting for Finn to pull on the strings. __"Can you pull the corset closed for me?"_

_"How about we get you out of it instead?" he whispered in her ear, having finally recovered the ability to speak. His pants were growing tighter by the minute and pretty soon there'd be a tent in the front of his pants that was not part of the costume. "Ever had sex with an Oompa Loompa before?"_

_She pulled her head away, but not quickly enough since Finn managed to get in a few kisses on her neck, leaving spots of orange paint on her neck. "Later, Finny, I promise. Do my corset up so we can go. I invited a bunch of single men from my publishing house for Mercedes and I need to be there to introduce them."_

_Finn sighed, wishing this night was already over so he could have some real fun. His fingers fumbled with the corset strings, growing more frustrated by the moment. His frustration was actually beneficial to him, since it helped relieve the problem in his pants. "There."_

_She twirled around, letting him admire the view. "Aren't you going to tell me how amazing I look?"_

_"You look insanely hot Rachel. I can already see I'm going to have to go all Oompa Loompa on any guy who checks you out."_

_Rachel giggled as she grabbed the bottle of vodka they'd be bringing to the party. "Lucky for you I've always liked the color orange then. Now come on and I promise later I'll let you see how a queen makes love."_

_Finn grinned following Rachel out the door and wondering how quickly he could get Rachel to agree to leave the party._

"Look who's here," Tina gasped, grabbing Rachel's arm as she stared at the front door. Rachel and Brittany both followed her gaze to see Mercedes, dressed as Dr. Frank-n-Furter from _Rocky Horror Picture Show _standing uncertainly near the door. "She looks amazing!"

"She's always loved that movie for some reason," Rachel added, recognizing the costume immediately.

Mercedes spotted them and made her way over to them. "Hey guys."

"Hi Mercedes, you look amazing," Rachel gushed, Tina and Brittany nodding in agreement. Finn, Mike and Artie came over, each standing near their respective partner. The sight of them all paired off was too much for Mercedes and she suddenly felt the need to get out of there.

"Thanks. I uh, just wanted to say hi before I went and got something to drink." Quickly she walked away from them and headed over to the drink table, trying to regroup. She grabbed the nearest bottles of alcohol, mixing them together in a red plastic cup. The result was vile, leaving a burning feeling in her mouth as she chugged it.

"Rough night?"

Mercedes turned to see a blond man standing near her, his eyes full of sympathy. "You have no idea."

He shrugged. "I might. My girlfriend just dumped me, so hit me with whatever you've got in that cup."

Mercedes grinned. "So I'm not the only single person here in this sea of sickenly cute couples?"

"Nope. Although we might get mistaken for a couple since our costumes appear to complement each other."

She stared at him, noticing for the first time that he was dressed in gold board shorts and a gold tank top, which meant that he was dressed like Rocky to her Frank-n-Furter. "You like _Rocky Horror?_"

"Love it. I go to the live show every year."

Mercedes gasped. "So do I!"

He grinned at her enthusiasm. "I'm Sam by the way. I work with Mike."

"Mercedes. I think I met you at Finn's once. I'm friends with Rachel."

Rachel, her horrible matchmaking senses kicking in once again, came over to them. "Hi, Sam. Mer, I need you to come with me. There's a mummy I want you to meet."

Before Mercedes could say anything, Rachel led her away. She glanced over her shoulder, pleased to see that Sam's eyes were fixated on her.

* * *

><p>"Well well well, look who decided to show," Puck commented as he watched Blaine and Kurt get into the elevator alongside him and Quinn, Blaine struggling slightly in his bulky costume. "Where's the costume I picked out for you, <em>Chiquita<em>?"

"I will be putting it on when we get there and not a minute earlier," Kurt snapped. "Besides, I don't see you wearing the costume I picked out for _you."_

"I've got it on under the trench coat," Puck said smugly. "Try not get turned on by it."

"Puck told me about Kurt's costume. How'd you ever get him to agree?" Quinn whispered to Blaine as Kurt and Puck continued to bicker.

"It wasn't easy..."

_"Oh no. Not going to happen." Kurt stared in horror at the costume laid out on the bed in front of him._

_"Come on. It's part of the bet, so we have to do it. I think it's kind of funny, actually."_

_"I assure you, there is nothing funny about** that**," Kurt replied disdainfully, pointing to the offending costume._

_Blaine rolled his eyes. "It's Halloween. Everyone looks silly. It's part of the fun."_

_"I fail to see the humor in this," Kurt snapped. "My fashion credibility will go down the tubes faster than Rachel can spot an animal sweater in a department store if I show up to Mike and Tina's party in that."_

_"Don't you think you're being overdramatic? It's one night in Mike and Tina's apartment. You're not going to Fashion Week in it."_

_"As a valued member of the fashion community, I'm required to be at my most fashionable at all times. Wearing that costume will mean getting my VIP card revoked at not only Bergdorf's, but Neiman Marcus, Barney's and Saks. I can't do it. I won't."_

_"Kurt."_

_Kurt glared at Blaine, who was already dressed in the black leggings and black long sleeved shirt needed for his costume. "Don't Kurt me. This had to be chosen by Puckerman, probably with Finn's input."_

_"Just shut up and put it on. Once you get some liquor in you, you'll forget about it."_

_"No."_

_"So hold a designer shopping bag or something. You're going and that's final."_

_"I'll look like a fool."_

_"And I won't? Look what Tina picked out for me!" Blaine carefully got into his costume, a large rubber suit designed to make him look like a whoopie cushion. The round bulky costume stuck out on either side of him, making him need to go sideways through doors. "Come on. Don't you want to see Finn painted orange?"_

_"Well..."_

_Blaine pressed a button on the side of his suit which immediately made a farting sound. "I promise to do that all night behind Finn."_

_"Fine. But no one takes pictures of me."_

_"Agreed."_

"Puck almost had a heart attack when he saw his, but he was surprisingly ok with it. It wasn't easy finding shoes for him," Quinn whispered back. She followed a still bickering Puck and Kurt out of the elevator, waiting for Blaine to catch up. "Wait till you see him."

Blaine grinned as he followed the three into Mike and Tina's apartmen. "Let's get this show started then."

He handed Kurt his bag, pointing towards the bathroom. Kurt glared at him before stomping off to put the dreaded costume on. Their arrival attracted the attention of the rest of their group, who immediately came over to check out their costumes. Blaine burst out laughing when he saw Finn, accidentally setting off his fart maker.

"Yeah, yeah, it's hysterical. Make the tall guy an Oompa Loompa," Finn grumbled as he eyed Puck's trench coat. "Let's see the costume, Puckerman."

"Ladies, try not get jealous," Puck warned as he untied his trench coat, revealing his costume.

Kurt had really outdone himself with this costume. Quinn's comment about Hugh Hefner had given Kurt the idea to make Puck a bunny...a _Playboy_ bunny. Puck was now standing in front of them in a bright pink bustier and black bikini briefs, complete with a white cotton tail on the back. His fishnet stockings gave way to black high heels and around each wrist was a white cuff sleeve while his neck had a white shirt collar around it.

The entire group burst out laughing at the sight. "Dude, you are one ugly bunny," Mike announced between fits of laughter.

"Don't forget your ears, babe," Quinn added, handing him the famous bunny ears.

He grabbed them and placed them on his head. "Where the hell is Hummel? I can't wait to see his costume."

"I'm here."

They all turned at the miserable sounding voice coming from behind them to see an even more miserable Kurt, dressed as a banana, standing behind them. His entire body was covered by the costume, save for a hole in the middle for his face to stick out of. His body was clearly covered in a yellow spandex suit, since his arms and legs were visible. His hands and feet were clad in the gloves and shoes favored by Mickey Mouse.

As if being a banana wasn't bad enough, Puck had to take it one step further and get Kurt the Banana Flasher costume, which meant that rather than just be an unpeeled banana, Kurt was a peeled banana, the edible part peeking out from the bottom of the costume, much like a male flasher would do.

Kurt glared at all of them, placing one large gloved hand on where he thought his hip would be if he wasn't in this costume. "One crack about being a fruit and I _swear_ i'll get my ninja stuff out. Where's the alcohol? I need a drink."

"How about a Banana Daiquiri?" Finn asked, snickering.

"That's rich coming from a man who's the color of a traffic cone," Kurt snapped before rushing off to get a drink.

This was going to be a _long_ night.

* * *

><p>Mercedes searched around for Sam, locating him staring out a window. She'd managed to ditch the mummy Rachel insisted she talk to and had found Sam again, only to have Rachel drag her off to meet Frankenstein. Frankenstein had turned out to be an even bigger bore than the mummy and she'd once again went off in search of Sam. They'd just started discussing their love of <em>Avatar<em> when Kurt appeared, insisting that he had a clown Mercedes just _had _to meet.

This had been going on all night. Tina wanted her to meet a cowboy, while Brittany dragged her off to meet a chicken, and Rachel came back two more times to have Mercedes meet a man dressed as Alan from _The Hangover_ and another man dressed as a box of tampons. None of them noticed that everytime they came to find her, she was always with Sam.

She didn't know why she'd never noticed him before. Maybe it was the fact that he'd had a girlfriend, but she'd never noticed how nice his eyes and his smile were. His hair was a nice shade of blonde, although she had a feeling that was helped by dye and his body was _fine_. He seemed to like all the same things she did and it turned out that they'd even been at the same showing of _Rocky Horror_ last week.

"I brought you a fresh beer," Mercedes announced in greeting as she slid up next to him. "So what were you saying about _Avatar_?"

She listened intently as Sam launched into his theory about the Avatar language, interjecting with a comment of her own occasionally. They were just laughing about a scene in the movie when Rachel appeared _again._

"Oh, Mercedes, there you are! I really want you to meet that penguin over there," she announced brightly.

Mercedes sighed. That box of tampons Rachel had introduced her to was the last straw. He was just weird. _Why_ would anyone want to be a _tampon_ for Halloween? "Look, Rachel..."

"Rachel, Tina needs your help with something in the kitchen," Finn cut in, grabbing Rachel firmly by the elbow.

"But Finn, Mercedes needs-"

"Baby, Tina really really needs your help. Mercedes will be here when you get back," he said firmly, pushing Rachel towards the kitchen. He waited until Rachel was out of earshot before he leaned in to whisper to Mercedes. "Don't worry. I'll keep her away from you two. She's trying and failing miserably to set you up, but I think you've done that yourself."

Mercedes grinned. "Thanks."

* * *

><p>Rachel fumed as she watched Mercedes get stuck talking with Sam yet again. So far Mercedes hadn't hit it off with any of their choices, but she just knew the penguin would be it. She couldn't remember his name, but he'd always seemed really nice whenever she had a meeting at Random House. All she needed was to get Mercedes away from Sam. She'd been drinking with him all night and he was preventing her from meeting the men Rachel wanted her to.<p>

"I can't believe Mercedes hasn't hit it off with any of our choices," Kurt complained, attempting to sit down in his banana costume, but giving up since he couldn't bend enough.

"I really thought she'd hit it off with my doorman," Brittany said sadly.

"Wait, that was Martin?" Artie exclaimed. "I thought that chicken looked familiar."

"Well I have a penguin that Mercedes _must _meet. He's just perfect for her," Rachel announced. "Penguins mate for life you know."

"Baby, I need you to fix my paint," Finn said quickly, leading her off to the bathroom before she could protest.

"How the hell do you broads wear this shit? My feet are fucking killing me," Puck complained, releasing one foot from its high heeled prison.

"Good. Hopefully you have a new appreciation for what I go through," Quinn replied, unsympathetic to his plight.

"I don't think Hef would like you out of uniform, Puckerman," Kurt said crossly, accepting the wine Blaine handed him, glaring at him when he set off the fart maker also.

"Fuck you, Hummel. I saw you checking me out before." He adjusted his ears, a smug smile on his face.

"In your dreams. _Playboy_ bunnies do nothing for me."

"I bet you're more turned on by farting." Puck smirked as Blaine accompanied his statement with his fart maker.

"I..."

Whatever he was about to say was cut short by the arrival of Finn and Rachel, who'd clearly _not _been fixing Finn's makeup in the bathroom. Finn had a goofy look on his face while Rachel had some orange paint around her lips and her wig was askew.

"You finding out if all parts of an Oompa Loompa are small, Berry?" Puck asked knowingly.

"I was fixing his makeup, Noah."

"Right. That's why you've got orange paint on your face and Finn's overall straps are on wrong. Not to mention that he's got that _my girlfriend got me off _look on his face."

Rachel's face went crimson, making her look like an Oompa Loompa herself.

"Really guys? In my bathroom?" Mike asked, disgusted.

Rachel was saved from further embarrassment by Mercedes, who was dragging Sam behind her. "Hey guys! You all remember Sam, right? We're going to go catch a midnight showing of _Rocky Horror_, so we're going to be leaving now."

"But Mer, what about my penguin?"

"Uh no thanks. I'm good. I'll call you tomorrow!" she replied, excitedly dragging Sam away and out the door.

"What was _that_?" Rachel cried.

"That was you once again failing as matchmaker Berry, so shut up and enjoy the party. The one _outside_ the bathroom that is," Puck announced. "Let's do some shots now."

Finn grinned, more than ready to get a few shot into Rachel. She'd already put on quite a show in the bathroom just now, but there was always room for improvement and he was eagerly anticipating the after party back home. Plus, no matter what Rachel said, this match was _totally _his_. _He eagerly accepted the shot Puck handed him and grinning even more when he saw Rachel down hers and reach for another one.

She winked at him as she placed the shot glass back down, nodding discreetly towards the bathroom again. He quickly downed his own shot, following her back to the bathroom. Rachel jumped him as soon as he closed the door so either the alcohol was kicking in or she was _really_ turned on by Oompa Loompas.

Either way, Halloween _rocks_. Even if he didn't have a cool gash in his neck.

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: Happy Halloween!_**


	13. Cooties

**_Disclaimer: Glee is not mine :( _**

* * *

><p><em><strong>"Grown don't mean nothing to a mother. A child is a child. They get bigger, older,<strong>_ _**but grown? What's that suppose to mean? In my heart it don't mean a thing."  
>- Toni Morrison, "Beloved"<strong>_

* * *

><p>"Hey Ray, watch this!"<p>

Rachel stuck her head out of the bathroom just in time to see Vlad's new toy, a nylabone dinosaur meant to help clean his teeth go sliding past, a Chihuahua firmly attached to it. She laughed as Vlad came sliding to a gradual stop, immediately trotting off to bring his dinosaur back to Finn, who was standing at the other end of the bedroom laughing.

"What are you doing to him?" she asked, watching as Vlad dropped the dinosaur in front of Finn. He grabbed it, waiting until Vlad had attached himself to the other end. Once Vlad was secure, he gently pushed the dog's back until he was lying on the ground, his little paws splayed out. Carefully, he backed him up like a roller coaster ready to take off, before launching him across the floor past Rachel again.

Rachel laughed again. "He looks like Bambi when he was trying to stand on the ice but kept falling."

"He loves it," Finn replied, laughing at the sight of Vlad sliding across the floor on his stomach again. "That new bone you got him is super slippery on the floor, and if you give it a push, Vlad goes sliding right with it."

"It's meant to clean his teeth and gums, not be used as a tow rope, Finn. I'm hoping it will give him better breath," Rachel pointed out, rolling her eyes as their dog trotted across the bedroom and dropped his dinosaur in front of Finn again, his tail wagging eagerly. She went back to getting ready, ignoring the Chihuahua sliding past the open door every few minutes.

"Where are you going again?" Finn called.

"Tina got a gift certificate for some new restaurant as a thank you from some clothing store she wrote about in her column," Rachel called back, giving her hair a final spray. "What are you going to do for dinner?"

"Puck is bringing some Chinese over for our Halo marathon," Finn answered as he came into the bathroom, pulling off his shirt. He turned the shower on, letting it warm up while he came and stood behind Rachel, placing his chin on her head and his arms around her shoulders. "Why did you shower without me?"

"You were too busy trying to get in a few practice rounds of your game so Noah wouldn't say you suck." Rachel stared him in the mirror, her hands reaching behind her to rest on his butt, pulling him closer.

"You should have stopped me. You know I hate you showering alone," Finn pouted, kissing her head.

Rachel laughed. "No, you hate _you _showering alone."

"That too," Finn replied, stepping away from her to remove the rest of his clothes.

Rachel turned, leaning against the sink, her eyes following his movements appreciatively.

"Like what you see?" he asked, smirking as he tested the water.

"I might," Rachel replied saucily. She took a step towards him, spinning in place. "More importantly, how do I look?"

"Amazing as always."

Rachel rewarded his answer with a kiss, watching with a smile as he stepped into the shower and drew the curtain. She walked into their bedroom, plopping herself on the bed while she switched purses. Vlad watched curiously from his position on Finn's side of the bed, his dinosaur between his paws.

Satisfied that she had everything for her night out, she strolled back into the bathroom, where Finn was now belting out _Can't Fight this Feeling Anymore _live from the shower. She smiled at his silhouette behind the shower curtain, hating to interrupt his performance, but not wanting to be late to meet Tina.

"Finn, I'm leaving now. Have fun with Noah, and don't forget to feed Vlad."

"Wait a minute." Finn stopped singing to stick his head out from behind the shower curtain. "First you shower without me and now you're leaving without a kiss goodbye?"

Rachel laughed as she stepped closer to Finn. "Poor Finny. You're so neglected."

"I really am." He pressed his wet face and lips against Rachel's. "Bye baby."

"Bye." She pecked his lips again. "And don't let Noah torment Vlad too much."

"Got it." His head disappeared as he resumed his shower. He heard movement in the bathroom and peeked his head back out, assuming Rachel wanted to issue more directives about Puck, but to his surprise only Vlad was in the bathroom, sitting on the tile floor and staring at him, his tail sweeping across the floor expectantly. He looked down at the Chihuahua. "Hey bud, guys don't watch each other in the shower. Do I watch you when Mommy gives you a bath?"

Vlad continued to stare at him, his tail working like a windshield wiper on the tile. Finn shrugged and pulled the curtain shut, deciding to sing _Cotton Eyed Joe_ as he finished his shower and turned off the water. He yanked the curtain open to find Vlad still sitting in the same spot, his bug eyes trained on Finn.

"What's up with you, little dude?" Finn asked, staring at the dog as he stepped gingerly out of the tub. The answer became obvious as soon as he stepped on the dinosaur Vlad had dropped right in front of the tub. The dog stood up excitedly, anticipating continuing their game. Unfortunately for Vlad, Finn must have decided to play by himself because as soon as his foot connected with the dinosaur, the toy immediately shot forward on the smooth tile, just as it had done with Vlad earlier.

Finn, not expecting to have his foot shoot forward, lost his balance, his arms waving wildly in the air as he fell backwards into the tub. His right arm managed to grab the shower curtain, pulling it down with him as he fell, but his left arm hit the edge of the toilet next to the tub at an awkward angle. He screamed as the pain shot through his left arm, knowing he'd done some damage to his shoulder.

"Rachel!" he called, hoping she hadn't left yet. "Rach!"

His cries reverberated through the empty apartment. He tried shifting into a sitting position, screaming when the pain shot through his arm again. Vlad, who'd took off after the dinosaur, came over to Finn, placing his little paws on the ledge as he looked at Finn and offered a reassuring lick to Finn's leg that was sticking out of the bathtub.

Well this was just fucking great. Rachel was off having fun and he was stuck in a bathtub with a Chihuahua who wouldn't stop staring at him and an intense shooting pain in his arm. Puck was supposed to be coming over soon with pizza, but he had no idea when exactly that would be.

Sighing, he leaned his head back against the wall, shifting the fallen shower curtain with his right hand, prepared to wait for Puck. Vlad, wanting to offer comfort, managed to jump into the tub with Finn, walking up his body to lick his face in support.

"Thanks bud," he managed to say before he passed out from the pain.

* * *

><p>"So what are you going to order Rachel?"<p>

Rachel looked up from her menu, biting her lip in contemplation. "I'm not sure. Want to split an appetizer?"

"Sure, which one? The scallops look good," Tina suggested, eyeing the appetizer section of the menu.

Rachel wrinkled her nose. "I hate scallops. How about the stuffed mushrooms?"

Tina looked over the description as the waitress came over. "Sounds fine to me."

"Hi, I'm Anita and I'll be your waitress today. Can I take your order?"

"I'll have the salmon and a glass of white wine," Tina announced, handing over her menu.

"I'd like the eggplant and white wine also. And we'll have the stuffed mushrooms as an appetizer," Rachel added, also surrendering her menu.

The waitress nodded, taking their menus and walking away. Rachel watched her go before turning to Tina. "So where's Mike?"

"He's on his way home from Detroit. Some conference or something. Finn didn't go?"

"No, he's currently at home playing his stupid video games with Noah." Rachel rolled her eyes, wishing her husband had a taste for more stimulating hobbies. "I'm sure they'll be communicating with Artie by headset."

Tina rolled her eyes also, well familiar with the boy's video game obsession. They continued discussing the ridiculousness of the video games until Anita returned with their appetizer and wine.

She placed the plate of stuffed mushrooms down in the center of the table. Rachel's mouth began to drool. They looked _amazing._ Each mushroom was huge and stuffed to the brim with a cream cheese filling.

Tina had a similar look on her face as she held up her wine glass. "Bon appétit."

Rachel grinned as she dug in, ready for a night of gossip and good food.

* * *

><p>"Yo Hudson! Where the fuck are you?"<p>

Finn awoke to the sound of Puck's melodious voice echoing throughout the empty apartment. Finally, Puck had arrived. He had no idea how long he'd been in the tub, but his upper arm was _throbbing._

"Puck! I'm in here!"he called out. Vlad looked up from his spot on Finn's lower chest, cocking his head at the footsteps, but unwilling to leave his master.

"Get the fuck out of the bathroom! Abrams is already online and I've got the pizza!"

"Puck! I need you to help me!" Finn called back. "Get in here now!"

Puck, hearing the urgency in Finn's voice, immediately headed for the bedroom. His mouth dropped open at the sight of Finn splayed out in the tub, his limbs hanging out awkwardly, tangled in a shower curtain and Vlad resting on his stomach. "_Whoa_. What the fuck happened?"

"I was getting out of the shower and slipped on Vlad's dinosaur. I fell back into the tub, but banged my arm on the toilet. I think I dislocated my shoulder. I need you to take me to the emergency room."

"Ok, get out of the fucking tub and I'll take you," He leaned against the doorframe.

"I _can't,_" Finn snapped. "You think I've been laying here for fun?"

"Well I don't know what kind of freaky shit you're into. Maybe you were using the Rat as a substitute Berry. They're about the same size."

"Funny. Just shut the fuck up and help me out of the tub."

"You better keep that shower curtain in place," Puck warned as he bent over the tub, ignoring Vlad's growls. "I don't need to see Berry's plaything. And get the Mexican Rat off your stomach."

"Do you not see me holding my arm in place? Get him off yourself," Finn snapped.

Puck eyed Finn's shoulder, which was sticking out and lower than a shoulder should be, almost near his pec. Hoping Vlad didn't remember the last time Puck was here and the battle they'd had over Vlad's bear, he reached in to grab the Chihuahua, placing him on the floor. Vlad promptly jumped back in the tub, climbing up Finn's body once again. Finn sighed, watching as Puck pulled him off once again, telling Vlad in no uncertain terms to stay put once Puck had deposited him on the tile.

The Chihuahua obeyed; his bug eyes watching Puck gently pull Finn up to a sitting position.

"Can you get up?" Puck questioned, trying to figure out how much Finn weighed. Finn easily had a few inches on him, and definitely weighed more. He could bench press quite a bit, but doubted it was as much as what Finn weighed.

"I don't think so." He grimaced as a sharp jab of pain shot through his arm. "I think you're gonna need to get in the tub."

"Fine. You just make sure that shower curtain is secure." Puck climbed into the tub behind him, trying not to look at the ass staring back at him. He squatted, wrapping his arms around Finn's waist, gently helping him into a standing position. He stepped back out of the tub, turning to help Finn, who was gripping the shower curtain under his arm and cradling his left arm at the same time.

"Let's get you to the hospital," Puck announced, peering at Finn's left shoulder, which now was now sticking out at a strange angle. "Dude, your shoulder looks deformed."

"Thanks for the analysis, but I need clothes. I can't go to the hospital in a shower curtain," Finn snapped.

"So put on some pants and let's go."

"With one hand? You're going to have to help me."

Puck froze at Finn's words. When Finn had told him to come over tonight, playing dress up was never mentioned. Carefully, he led Finn over to the bed. "You fucking owe me. Where's your fucking boxers?"

"Top drawer."

Puck opened up the top drawer on the left, pulling out a lacy thong. He snickered, holding it up. "Didn't take you for the cross dressing type, Hudson."

"Those are Rachel's, you ass. I meant the top drawer on the right."

His words fell on deaf ears, since Puck was busy rummaging through Rachel's drawer, pulling out various pieces of lingerie. He whistled at a particularly sexy piece, holding it up by one finger. "Shit, Berry actually wore this?"

Finn nodded, remembering all too well when Rachel had worn it. "She wore it on our Honeymoon. Now would you stop being a perv and get out of her underwear drawer?"

"Fine. Here. These ok?" Puck opened the other drawer and pulled out the first pair of boxers he saw.

Bending down once Finn gave the ok, he held the boxers open for Finn to step into, helping Finn lift each leg and pulling them up around Finn, his eyes squeezed tightly shut.

Finn, relieved to get rid of the shower curtain, sat back down on the edge of the bed, Vlad next to him, dinosaur in mouth. "Pants are in the bottom drawer."

Puck sighed, opening up the bottom drawer, pulling out a pair of basketball shorts. "These ok?"

"It's January. I'll freeze my ass off."

"So? It'll look like you got injured playing a sport, rather than the truth, which is that you slipped on a dinosaur," Puck pointed out. Once Finn was better, he totally planned on using this against him.

Finn considered this. Puck did bring up a valid point. It was going to be pretty embarrassing telling everyone he fell in the tub because of a dog toy. "Ok, fine."

"Good." Puck, relieved that he didn't have to zipper Finn into a pair of jeans, once again bent down and helped him put on the shorts.

"How are we going to put a shirt on you?" Puck asked thoughtfully.

"Let's not worry about that right now. Just put on my socks and shoes. Socks are over there," Finn decided, secretly wondering the same thing. He could barely move his arm right now without wanting to scream and the thought of putting on a shirt almost brought tears to his eyes. He stuck a leg out, waiting for a sock to appear on it.

Cursing his bad luck that he'd agreed to come play Halo, Puck got to work, putting Finn's socks and sneakers on him. There remained only the problem of the shirt, and after much deliberation and a few trials resulting in screams from Finn, it was decided to simply forget the shirt.

"Ready?" Puck asked, tossing Finn's coat over his bare shoulders. Leaving Vlad on the bed, they headed out of the apartment. "You want me to call Rachel?"

"Yeah, thanks," Finn replied as they stepped into the elevator. "My phone is dead, so you'll have to."

"No problem," Puck stepped out of the elevator, pausing to look at Finn. "But uh, we never speak about me having to put your boxers on you again. Deal?"

"Deal."

* * *

><p>"Oh, did I tell you? My dress came in!" Tina squealed. "I'm going to try it on next week."<p>

Just as excited, Rachel clapped her hands. "Did you tell Kurt? He's been asking me if it came in."

"Not yet."

As if on cue, a cell phone went off. Tina and Rachel both dove into their bags, checking to see which one of them was getting a call. Rachel was the lucky winner, pulling her phone out to see who was calling.

"It's Noah," she commented, dropping the phone back into her bag. "He's probably calling to settle some stupid bet with Finn about our sex life. I'm not indulging him."

Tina laughed. "He's dying to know if what they say about Asian men is true."

Rachel arched an eyebrow. "Well?"

Tina took a sip of her wine before answering. "Nope."

Their food arrived at that moment, temporarily distracting them. Rachel's phone began ringing again and she rolled her eyes when she saw that it was still Noah. "I'm not dealing with their stupidity. Those two are like a bunch of five year olds when they get together."

Happily, she put her phone on silent, ready to dig into her eggplant and hear more about how Tina discovered the truth about Asian men.

* * *

><p>"She's still not answering. I'll try again in a few minutes," Puck announced, taking a seat in the Emergency Room next to Finn and holding up a clipboard of papers. "I put your name down on the sign in sheet, but that fucking hot nurse gave me these insurance forms to fill out. Just answer yes or no."<p>

"Ok."

"Let's see. Name?"

"You know my name."

"Right." He scribbled something on the paper, smirking to himself.

"What did you write?" Finn asked suspiciously.

"Your name, see?" He held the clipboard out, showing Finn that he really _had_ written Finn's name.

"You do realize that Finn is just a nickname, right?"

"No shit? What's your full name?"

"Finnegan."

"You're shitting me. Who names their kid _Finnegan_?"

"Shut up. It's my mother's maiden name. You're gonna need to write that so it matches my insurance."

"Fine." Puck scribbled over what he'd written, making the necessary changes. "Next question. Are you possibly or currently pregnant?"

"You know I'm not," Finn snapped.

"You _have_ been kind of hormonal tonight. I wouldn't rule it out."

"Just do the next question."

"Do you suffer from migraines or seizures?"

"No."

"Are you sure? I'd imagine that living with Berry would be one constant headache. I'm gonna put yes for that one."

"It's _no._ Check no."

"Fine. What birth control are you on?"

"You're really enjoying this aren't you?"

"Hey, I should be lounging on a couch playing Halo and eating pizza, but instead, I'm sitting on a rock hard plastic chair across from some guy who looks like he shoved something up his ass, so I gotta have my fun somehow. Next question. Describe the cause of injury."

"You know what happened."

"Right. I'll just write _fell while playing in the tub with his dinosaur._"

"That's not what happened!"

"Was there or was there not a toy dinosaur involved?"

Finn sighed in frustration. "Whatever. Get my insurance card out of my wallet, hand the forms back in and try calling Rachel again. If you can't get Rachel, try Kurt."

"Will do, _Finnegan_. I'll be back in a few minutes." Puck stood up, ready to hand in the forms and try Rachel again, leaving Finn to sit and wait. He stared at the guy across from him wondering if Puck was right about him having something stuck up his butt.

Puck returned a few minutes later, triumphantly holding his cell phone. "Ok. The hot nurse says you'll be seen soon and I still couldn't get a hold of Rachel, but I called Hummel. He's going to call Rachel on his way here and he also called your mother. What the hell is Rachel doing that she won't answer? She on a date?"

"Funny. She's having dinner with Tina. She probably didn't answer the phone because she saw it was _you_."

"Hey, Berry loves me. She's gonna love me even more when she finds out that I've been taking good care of your gigantic ass all night."

"That's debatable," Finn grumbled.

Puck paused, taking a deep breath before continuing. "Plus, she'll be thrilled when she finds out that I'm planning on asking Q to marry me."

Finn stared at Puck in surprise. "No shit? You're really gonna do it? Congratulations."

"Yeah, well I think it's time. She's been nagging me ever since your wedding and with Mike and Tina's wedding coming up, it's only gonna get worse. I figure this will shut her up for a while."

Finn smiled, knowing that despite Puck's nonchalant attitude, he was truly excited about getting engaged. "It's about time. If she hasn't kicked your sorry ass to the curb yet, she's never gonna."

"Fuck you. Q knows she's got it good."

Finn laughed. "Congrats again, man."

"Despite you being an ass, I got you this from the vending machine." He held up a bag of Sour Patch Kids, ripping it open and pouring them into Finn's mouth.

"Thanks, Puck. You're not so bad, you know that?"

"_Finnessa Hudson? Is there a Finnessa Evelyn Hudson here?"_

Finn looked up at the nurse calling the name into the microphone at the nurse's station before glaring at Puck, who was a portrait of innocence. "You're lucky I only have one arm right now."

Puck smirked. "Go Finnessa, it's your turn."

Even holding his left arm in place, he still debated using his right hand to hit Puck on the head. The sound of his hand hitting Puck would be almost worth the pain that would shoot through his displaced arm.

Almost.

* * *

><p>"You want to split the cheesecake?"<p>

"I can't eat that! I have to try on my wedding dress next-" Tina's statement was cut short by her cell phone ringing. She pulled it out of her bag, laughing. "It's Kurt. He must have known I was about to break my diet. Hello? Oh, yeah, she's right here."

She handed the phone to Rachel. "He wants to talk to you."

Rachel took the phone slightly mystified. "Hello?"

"Finally! Why aren't you answering your phone? Puck's been calling you!"

"Exactly why I put my phone on silent. I'm not getting involved in their insane debates." Rachel laughed, expecting Kurt to laugh too, surprised when he didn't. "Kurt?"

"Rachel, you need to get to Lenox Hill Hospital. Puck brought Finn there. He-"

Rachel didn't need to hear anymore before she hung up the phone and stood up, racing out of the restaurant. Tina followed, grabbing Rachel's purse off her chair. "Rachel! Where are you going?"

Rachel ignored her, running into the street to hail a taxi. She pulled open the door of the first one that stopped, jumping in. Tina managed to climb in just in time to hear Rachel's directions.

"Lenox Hill as fast as you can go."

* * *

><p>"Bout fucking time you got here, Hummel. I've been playing nurse all night," Puck announced in greeting as Kurt hurried into the examining room.<p>

"How are you feeling?" Kurt asked Finn, ignoring Puck's statement as he sat down.

Puck shrugged. "I could use a sandwich."

Kurt arched an eyebrow. "I'm sorry, are you the reason we're sitting in the Emergency Room?"

"What's up your butt?" Puck asked. "Cause they have the tools here to remove it."

"Both of you shut up," Finn cut in, not in the mood to deal with their sniping. "Did you get a hold of Rachel?"

"Yeah, she's on her way. I also called Carole. They're on their way back now from Mohegan Sun."

They sat in silence for a few minutes until a shrill voice was heard in the hallway outside.

"_I'm looking for my husband. Where's my husband?" _

Kurt stuck his head out of the door, recognizing Rachel's slight figure at the nurse's station. He hurried out to collect Rachel before she could go into full out diva.

"Where's my husband? They told me to come back here," she demanded of the poor nurse behind the counter.

Tina came up behind her, placing an arm around her shoulders.

"What's the last name?" the nurse calmly asked, more than used to dealing with hysterical spouses.

"Hudson."

The nurse leafed through a folder. "Finnegan Hudson?"

Rachel nodded. "Where is he?"

"He's in Exam Room 5. You can go in there until the doctor comes in."

"Why is he here?" Rachel demanded as the nurse went back to whatever she'd been doing on the computer.

The nurse glanced up from her computer. "I can't tell you."

"But I'm his wife!"

"By law I can't tell you that unless the patient gives the ok."

"_But I'm his wife," _Rachel repeated through gritted teeth, not in the mood to deal with this stupidity.

"Unless your husband wants us to tell you, we are not allowed to tell you. I'm sorry, but that's the rule. You can have a seat outside if you don't want to go in there."

Rachel opened her mouth, prepared to let the nurse know exactly what she thought of her rules. Tina, recognizing that Rachel was about to flip and having spied Kurt coming their way, turned her gently in his direction.

"Kurt! Thank God, where is he?" She flung herself at Kurt, letting him hold her for a second. Her stomach churned from nerves.

"He's right in here, Rachel. He's been waiting for you. Just be careful of his shoulder." He pointed to a nearby door, and Rachel took off, completely forgetting about Kurt and Tina.

Finn, sitting on the edge of the exam table, looked up just in time to see a pale Rachel come flying in, not even noticing Puck in her haste to get to her husband.

"Finn! Baby, what's wrong? What happened? What did the doctor say?" she asked, attempting to place her hands on either side of his face, shocked when Finn winced from her touch.

"I think I just dislocated my shoulder but I haven't seen the doctor yet," he answered. "Don't touch my face. It makes me move my shoulder and it hurts too much."

Rachel, relieved that Finn wasn't lying comatose in a hospital bed, now turned to the one person she was sure was somehow involved in Finn's accident.

"Noah, what happened?" she demanded. "Were you two wrestling again? Is that what happened?"

"Fuck no. You should be accusing Vlad, not me."

"And why would I accuse Vlad? What could a sweet Chihuahua like Vladimir do to send Finn to the hospital?"

Puck held up his hands in surrender. "All I know is that I came over and found his gigantic naked body draped over the bathtub, tangled in a shower curtain with a Chihuahua on his chest."

"Finny, _what happened_?" Rachel asked, her hands gripping his basketball shorts, needing to hold some part of him.

Finn quickly relayed the events of the night, leaving out the part about Puck in her underwear drawer and having to dress him. He glanced down at Rachel's hands which were now gripping his shorts even tighter.

"Knock knock, I'm Dr. Cooper. Which one of you is…" he peered down at the paper, trying to read Puck's poor handwriting. "Finngerson?"

All eyes turned towards the door where a tall man with thick blonde hair and dressed in a white doctor's coat was currently standing, looking at the group expectantly. He pushed his glasses up his nose as he waited for their answer.

"Uh, that would be me," Finn muttered, glancing at Puck, who was having trouble containing his laughter. "But it's actually Finnegan."

The doctor looked at him apologetically. "Sorry, the hand writing is very hard to read."

"Oh," Finn replied, not caring what the hell the doctor called him as long as he fixed his throbbing shoulder. "It doesn't say Evelyn as my middle name on there does it?" he added suspiciously.

"_Evelyn?_ Who filled out your forms?" Rachel asked, casting a accusing eye at Noah, who was now laughing outright.

The doctor looked around the room. "Well Finnegan, I'm afraid your friends are going to need to leave, while I examine you."

"I'm his wife," Rachel replied immediately, not loosening her hold on his shorts since she had no intention of leaving.

The doctor nodded. "You can stay for now, but everyone else must go."

Obediently, Kurt and Tina got up, making to move towards the door. Puck, too busy laughing, made no attempt to move until Tina yanked him out of his chair. "We'll be outside, _Finngerson_," he called over his shoulder as Tina dragged him out.

"Alright, let's take a look." Carefully, the doctor examined Finn's arm. He poked and prodded for a few minutes, asking Finn a few questions, before he sat back. "We're going to need x-rays to say for sure and check for broken bones, but it looks like you dislocated your shoulder, Finnegan."

"So what happens then?" Rachel asked, her hold on Finn's shorts remaining just as tight.

"Well if it is dislocated, after the x-rays we'll put you into a conscious sedation to pop the shoulder back in. The x-rays will tell us if you've torn anything. Either way, you're looking at about a six week recovery time."

"_Six weeks_? What about sex?" Finn asked immediately, earning an eye roll from Rachel.

Dr. Cooper chuckled. "A common concern for the men, Mrs. Hudson. Obviously you'll need to stay away from any position that puts stress on your shoulder, but it is doable."

"And what about when I get him home? What should we be doing?" Rachel asked anxiously, her hand once again going to her stomach, which was feeling slightly queasy again.

"You're going to need to ice it every three or four hours for twenty minutes at a time to reduce the swelling and keep the arm immobilized, but we'll go over all that after the x-rays. If I could just ask you to wait outside while we do the x-rays, Mrs. Hudson."

Rachel, reluctant to leave Finn, but knowing she had to, squeezed his thigh. "I'll be waiting with Noah, Tina and Kurt."

"Well? What did the doctor say?" Kurt demanded as soon as Rachel stepped outside.

"He's getting x-rays now, but it looks like it's dislocated. Where's Tina?"

"She ran to the bathroom. How's Finn doing?"

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Finn's more concerned with the possibility of not having sex for six weeks."

"Damn straight," Puck replied smirking. "Boy's got his priorities in order."

"Don't get me started on you, although I do owe you a thank you for taking care of Finn." Rachel leaned over to hug Noah. After a moment, she smacked him on the back of the head. "I don't know why Finn asked about having the middle name Evelyn, but I'm sure you're the reason for it."

Puck's laughter started anew, and even Kurt had to join in. Eventually, even Rachel cracked a smile, her smile dying when she felt nauseous again. Her hand came to her mouth as an instrumental version of _Twinkle Twinkle Little Star_ played throughout the ER.

"The fuck? Why do they keep playing that damn song? That's the third time since I've been here."

"It means a baby was just born, Puck," Kurt explained, glancing curiously at Rachel, whose eyes were closed, her hand still over her mouth. "Are you ok?"

"I'm fine." Recovered, Rachel put her hand down; digging through her bag for her cell phone just as Tina came back looking slightly pale. "I better go outside and call Carole."

"I already did. She and my dad were at a casino in Connecticut. They'll be here as soon as they can."

"Oh," Rachel replied, relieved. She began tapping the phone against her hand, waiting anxiously to be allowed back into the room with Finn. They stayed in silence for a few minutes; Rachel's tapping growing increasingly louder.

"Could you be more annoying with your tapping, Berry?"

"Could you be more of an insensitive ass?" Rachel snapped. "My husband is getting x-rayed right now and I'll tap my cell phone if I want to."

"Mrs. Hudson?" The little group looked up as Finn's doctor stuck his head out. "You can come back in now."

Relieved, Rachel hurried back into the room, ignoring the nausea stirring in her stomach again.

Finn was sitting on the table, his arm now in a blue sling. He smiled goofily at Rachel, who immediately resumed her place by his side.

"How are you feeling, baby?" she asked gently, clutching his shorts again, afraid to touch any other part of him. He didn't answer, that goofy smile still plastered on his face. She turned her attention to the doctor, who was turning on the x-ray light. "Doctor?"

"Well the good news is, it's not torn." He pointed to the x-ray, showing Rachel the outline of Finn's shoulder. "I popped it back into place and gave him a sedative. He's going to be kind of out of it for a few hours. Take him home and don't let him move that arm. He can remove the sling to bathe or dress, but that's it."

He handed her a prescription for medicine before helping Finn off the table. Rachel, unable to do much but still needing to be close to him, wrapped one arm around his waist while the other rested against his stomach as he walked, letting Finn put his good arm around Rachel's shoulders.

"Well? What did they say?" Kurt demanded.

"It's not torn, but he's got to be in this thing for six weeks," Rachel replied, struggling under Finn's weight.

"I can still have sex," Finn announced to Puck, who relieved Rachel of Finn's weight. Rachel, reluctant to lose physical contact with her husband, simply moved to his other side and rewrapped her arm around his waist under his sling. "Let's go have sex, babe."

"Fuck no, you know I don't swing that way, Hudson," Puck responded, leading Finn towards the exit with Rachel, Kurt and Tina following behind.

"He meant _me_, Noah," Rachel snapped. She looked up at her husband, using a much sweeter tone than she'd used with Noah. "Finny, the doctor says you need to get some rest."

"I wanna have sex," Finn pouted. "I don't need to rest."

"No, baby, maybe later. We have to get you home and in bed," Rachel insisted.

"For sex?"

"_NO. _To sleep. You need to sleep."

"But I'm _not_ tired. I want sex," Finn whined. "You give the best-"

"_Finn_. Stop talking about sex. Look at what you're doing to Tina. She looks sick," Rachel demanded, glancing back at Tina who did look like she was going to be sick.

"Sorry, Tina. You probably want to have sex too. Where's Mike?"

"Finn!"

"Don't bother Rachel," Kurt interrupted. "I should probably mention that Finn gets a one track mind when he's on painkillers. He'll repeat the same thing over and over again."

Rachel sighed. "Great. This should be a fun six weeks."

* * *

><p>"Rach!"<p>

Rachel came hurrying into the bedroom, worried that Finn had hurt himself again. Her stomach grew queasy at the thought causing her to place her hand over mouth as she paused by the bed. The feeling vanished as soon as it came and she stared at her husband, ready to play nurse. "What is it, Finny? Are you in pain? Are you hungry?"

"I can't reach the controller," he pouted. His initial medication had worn off, leaving him coherent but cranky. Already he'd called Rachel in to adjust his blankets, then called her back to readjust them once he realized that she hadn't tucked him in the way his mom used to and then called for a refluff of his pillows.

"Here, baby." She gave him the controller, placing a kiss very lightly on his forehead at the same time. "There. Is there anything else I can do to make you feel better? Anything else you want?"

Finn quirked an eyebrow suggestively.

"_Finn_. You heard the doctor. He said no sex," Rachel admonished, holding her stomach as that light feeling of nausea came over her again.

"Actually, he said no _missionary_ sex. You could still be a cowgirl," Finn pointed out. He could see that Rachel still wasn't convinced, so he decided to play up the sick patient card and put on his most pathetic face. "_Please_? I've had a really crappy night and now I have to be in this thing for the next few weeks."

Rachel sighed. "Fine. But only because you look so pathetic. If I see you in pain even for a second, we're _done_. Got it?"

"Got it."

She rolled her eyes at the sight of her husband with his good hand already in his boxers, trying to get himself hard. "Here. Let me help you."

Rachel pulled his boxers down enough to spring him free and immediately got to work with her hands and mouth. He groaned in pleasure at the sensation, making her look up nervously. "Are you in pain? I can stop."

"I'll be in more pain if you stop. Keep going," Finn directed, pushing her head back down with his good hand. Rachel resisted; a fresh wave of nausea hitting her and she sat up, shaking her head slightly. "What are you doing? Why'd you stop?"

Wanting to do this for her husband, she didn't answer, choosing to focus on riding out this latest wave of nausea. Once it subsided, she quickly pulled off her panties, impaling herself on him and moving her hips in a figure eight.

The move which normally gave her such pleasure turned out to be a big mistake this time. The rocking movement made the nausea return and she paused, trying to get rid of it. Finn, hampered by having only one hand and not understanding why she paused, tried to get her moving again with his good hand by squeezing her hip to make her start going in an up and down motion. "Babe, don't stop. You're killing me."

Rachel gave him a small tight lipped smile as she tentatively tried moving again. The nausea seemed to have subsided, so she picked up speed, placing her hands on his stomach.

The pleasing sensation returned and she allowed herself to moan. "_Ohhhh_….oh."

Oh no.

That nauseous feeling returned worse than before. Unlike the other waves, this bout of nausea didn't go away, instead growing stronger with each movement she made and she could feel the bile coming up her throat. She stopped, intending to climb off her husband and run to the bathroom, but Finn's hand was firmly gripping her waist, preventing her from making an exit. "Ray, why do you keep stopping? I'm fine."

He might be fine, but _she_ certainly wasn't. Almost before she knew what was happening, she began puking violently… all over Finn.

Poor Finn, trapped underneath Rachel, released his hold on her to attempt to shield his face. Forgetting that he wasn't supposed to move his left arm, he instinctively brought it up also, resulting in him screaming in pain and twisting his body, inadvertently dumping Rachel off of him.

Rachel, scared for both herself and him, scrambled off the bed, her hand over her mouth. She barely had time to register her husband writhing in pain and covered in her vomit before the next wave hit her and she ran to the bathroom, throwing herself over the toilet just in time to puke again.

Gasping and still holding onto the toilet, she tried to figure out what to do next. Finn clearly needed to go back to the hospital and she just as clearly couldn't take him, unless she could figure out a way to bring the toilet with her. Another bout of nausea hit her and she turned her attention back to the toilet, emptying her stomach yet again.

"Rachel? Are you ok?"

She looked up to see that Finn had somehow managed to get out bed and into the bathroom, still covered in her vomit, concern for her etched across his face. The nausea had subsided for the moment, allowing her to take charge. "I'm fine right now. I'm going to call Kurt to take you back to the hospital after I clean you off."

Carefully, she stripped him of his underwear and helped him settle into the tub. She'd just turned on the showerhead, playing with the dial in her hand, when she felt the need to vomit again. She dropped the showerhead to vomit into the toilet, leaving the showerhead to bounce all over, spraying Finn in the face.

"Rachel! What the hell is wrong with you?" he sputtered, unable to grab the showerhead because his free hand was supporting his left arm once again. "Why are you puking your brains out?"

"I'm fine," she insisted, taking the showerhead and ignoring the _I don't believe you_ look Finn was throwing her way. She gently began lathering his body with her scented body wash, trying to get all of her vomit off of him and concentrating very hard on not throwing up again. She tried as best she could not to move his arm, which was once again sticking out at a weird angle. Fortunately, she'd mostly thrown up on his lower chest and stomach so she was able to avoid touching his arm.

She'd just managed to get him out of the tub and dressed again when Vlad emerged from under the bed and shot down the hallway, yipping happily.

"Rachel? Finn?"

"In here, Mom!" Finn called, watching as Rachel once again began throwing up in the toilet bowl.

"How are you-" Carole asked as she came into the bedroom, stopping short when she saw the state of the vomit covered bed. She immediately made her way into the bathroom, Burt close behind. "What happened? Why is your arm like that again?"

"Rachel threw up on me and I tried to block my face," Finn explained. "She's been throwing up ever since."

"When did she start feeling sick?"

"Dunno. We were just-" Finn paused, not wanting to tell his mother exactly what they'd been doing when she puked on him. "She'd…just gotten me into bed and she started puking."

"Burt, take Finn back to the hospital. I'll stay with Rachel," Carole directed, already stripping the bed of its sheets and blankets.

"Come on, Big Guy, it'll be just like old times. Are you two in competition or something?" Burt joked as he led Finn out of the room.

Carole watched them go, shaking her head for a moment before turning her attention to her daughter-in-law, who was resting her head on the toilet. Her nursing instincts took over, and she automatically began questioning her patient as she felt for a fever. "Rachel? When did you start feeling sick?"

"At the hospital. I kept feeling waves of nausea."

"I see. Did you throw up there?"

"No. Not until just now, when I threw up on Finn." She slumped against the toilet. "What kind of wife am I? My husband dislocates his shoulder and I throw up all over him, sending him _back_ to the hospital."

"You're a very good wife, Rachel. It happens. I once gave Finn's father Christopher a black eye," Carole admitted. "He criticized my cooking and I threw a plate at him."

Rachel started to laugh, then immediately began retching into the toilet. Carole patted her back reassuringly, stroking her hair.

"Rachel, is there any possibility you could be pregnant?" As a nurse, she was required to ask, but as a potential grandma she couldn't keep the hope out of her voice.

Rachel shook her head over the toilet. "I just ended my period two days ago."

"Oh. You've been nauseous all day?"

"No, only after I ate dinner. Tina and I were out having dinner when I got the call about Finn."

Carole stared at her thoughtfully as the phone began ringing. Leaving Rachel on the floor now clutching her stomach, she dashed to the nightstand to answer the phone. "Hello?"

"Oh, Carole, hi. I'm looking for Rachel, is she there?" Mike's voice came floating through the phone, a slightly hysterical tone to it.

"Mike? What's wrong?"

"I…I don't know. I came home from a business conference just now and found Tina throwing up like I've never seen anyone throw up."

Mike's statement confirmed it for Carole. "Rachel's doing the same thing. I think they both have food poisoning. Ask Tina what she ate; I'm going to ask Rachel."

She knocked on the now closed bathroom door, quickly getting Rachel's answer. "Mike? What did she say?"

"White wine, salmon and stuffed mushrooms."

"Rachel had the mushrooms too. The only thing they can do is what they're doing unfortunately. Don't give her any medicine until she stops throwing up," Carole warned. "If you need anything, just call here. I'll be here taking care of Rachel and Finn once he gets back from the hospital."

She hung up the phone, getting to work remaking the bed with clean sheets while she waited for Rachel to get out of the bathroom. Vlad, shocked that Grandma was here and was ignoring him, retreated with his dinosaur to his dog bed in the corner of the bedroom to pout.

Rachel emerged, looking pale and shaky as she leaned on the bathroom door for support. Carole immediately took charge, helping Rachel into her comfortable pink flannel pajamas covered in hearts and then into bed, placing a garbage can nearby. Vlad, not mad at Rachel, hopped up on the bed and circled next to her, dropping his dinosaur in her lap.

"Thanks, Carole. I feel bad; you didn't have to leave the casino. And poor Burt having to take Finn to the ER as soon as he got here," Rachel stressed, sinking back into the pillows, her fingers stroking Vlad.

Carole waved a hand dismissively. "It was only a day trip. And don't feel bad about Burt. This is old hat to us. We've been in the ER so many times we've practically paid for it."

Rachel smiled weakly, unsure of how much time she had before she'd need the bathroom again. "How so?"

"Let's see. We've had Burt's heart attack and kidney stones and Kurt's broken arm. I had a miscarriage before Finn and a high risk pregnancy _with_ Finn. Finn himself has had a broken collarbone, broken leg, two broken arms and a concussion, some of which were at the same time."

"Really? How do you-" Rachel didn't get to finish the rest of her sentence, the need to reach the bathroom greater than her curiosity about how one breaks a collarbone.

Sighing, she reached the toilet just in time, sitting down on it and hoping that Burt was taking as good care of Finn as Carole was of her.

* * *

><p>"Ok buddy, we're here." Burt climbed out of the cab, running over to the other side and opening the door to help a doped out Finn out of the cab, frowning when he saw that Finn was <em>still<em> asleep. "Come on, Finn. You gotta get up now."

Finn didn't answer, his head hanging down against his chest as he slept, the drool seeping onto his skin. Sighing, Burt leaned into the cab, very lightly slapping his face to wake him. They'd already gone through this once at the hospital and it had taken the biggest orderlies to move Finn and get him to wake up.

"Is he dead?" the cabbie asked doubtfully, turning around to stare at Finn. "Cause that's gonna cost you extra."

"No, he's just on painkillers," Burt hastily replied, slapping Finn a little harder. The boy had always been hard to wake up, but this was ridiculous. He snuck a glance at the cabbie, who was staring at Finn intently, not one hundred percent convinced about Finn being alive.

Fortunately for Burt, Finn stirred a little, staring at Burt with unfocused eyes. "Time to get out of the car, Finn. Don't you want to see Rachel?"

Finn smiled a little dopily at Burt, who gently helped Finn out of the cab in a move borne from years of experience dealing with Finn's various injuries.

Burt struggled under Finn's weight, guiding him into the building and straight into the elevator. "Almost there, Big Guy," he announced as the elevator came to a stop on their floor. "Come on."

Half asleep, Finn allowed himself to be led down the hall. Burt paused at the doorway, sliding in the key and pushing open the door while maintaining his grip on Finn. Vlad, hearing the door open, announced their arrival with his standard series of barks as he raced down the hallway towards them, Carole in tow.

"What did they say?" she demanded, picking up Vlad. She eyed her son's left arm, taking in the way it was immobilized, knowing that wasn't a good sign. She shook her head when Burt started to guide Finn towards the bedroom. "Put him in the recliner. It'll be easier for him to be in an upright position, plus Rachel's constantly jumping out of bed to throw up and the movement of the bed might hurt him."

Burt nodded in agreement. Carefully, he led Finn into the living room, placing him in the recliner. Finn's head immediately fell forward; already asleep from the medicine he'd been given.

"What did they say?" Carole asked again as she placed Vlad on the couch, picking up a box she'd deposited on the floor when she'd arrived labeled _Finn_ and began rummaging through what she liked to call her 'Finn kit'_._ She pulled out Finn's old Batman blanket, draping it across his lap. Satisfied that he looked warm enough, she turned her attention back to Burt, just as Rachel appeared in the living room looking pale and weak, the comforter from their bed wrapped around her and pooling at her feet.

"Rachel, honey, go back to bed. You need to rest," Carole chided.

"I'm fine. How is he?" Rachel asked, studying her sleeping husband for a moment before turning her attention to Burt.

"He tore the tissue that holds the shoulder in place. He's going to have surgery in a few days and then it'll be four weeks of being completely immobile followed by physical therapy to rebuild the arm strength," Burt explained, adjusting his hat. "Kurt should be here soon with his medication. I had him meet us at the hospital again and sent him to fill the prescriptions. Doctor said he should be knocked out for a while."

"_Surgery_?" Rachel whispered, watching as Vlad jumped up on the recliner to settle on Finn's lap. "Is-"

She didn't get to finish her question, dropping the comforter in her haste to get to the nearest bathroom. Carole watched her go, shaking her head.

"What's she got?" Burt asked. "Flu?"

"Nope." Carole shook her head. "She and Tina both have food poisoning from some mushroom appetizer they ate."

Burt grimaced as he sat on the couch, having been the recipient of food poisoning once himself. "How bad? Is it coming out both ends?"

"Yup," Carole confirmed as she picked up the discarded comforter and placed it on the couch. "Don't get too comfortable there, Burt."

She handed Burt a piece of paper. "Here's the list of stuff I'm going to need for the two of them. I need you to go out and get this stuff, and while you're out, why don't you go get us some dinner? Between the two of them, it's going to be a long night."

Burt let out a long sigh as he took the list and started towards the door only to have it be thrown open before he could get there. To Burt's delight, Kurt appeared in the doorframe juggling the pharmacy bag along with several grocery bags and a few bags of something that smelled wonderful.

"Alright Dad, Carole, I stopped and picked up some Italian from the little place around the corner since I'm assuming we're operating under the usual Finn Emergency Plan. I saw Mike at the pharmacy and he told me about Tina and Rachel, so I picked up some Pedialyte to help Rachel get her body back to normal and some ginger ale too. I have Finn's Vicodin and I'm sure we all remember, but he's got to take it with some food," Kurt announced practically in one breath as he walked to the kitchen pulling his purchases out and placing them on the counter.

Shaking his head, Burt went back to the living room and sat back down on the couch. He flipped on the TV hoping to find something to watch, prepared for a long night on the couch helping Finn, if he ever woke up. Finding some singing show that he figured would keep everyone at least entertained, Burt watched Carole and Kurt come in with plates of food and drinks. Carole handed Burt a plate with lasagna and salad as she sat down next to him.

"So what's the game plan for tonight? It's not like we've never been through this before with Finn, but now we have Rachel too," Carole fretted, looking at her husband for his input.

Kurt, just about to sit but wisely sensing this could be trouble for him, tried to slyly move away and get out of having to spend the night and helping.

Carole, her _son trying to get out of helping_ sense on high alert, held up a finger. "Stop it right there, young man. I happen to know for a fact Blaine is in Houston and you have nowhere else to be."

"Park it, Kurt," Burt added, gesturing to the opposite couch with his fork.

Damn.

Plate still in hand, Kurt sat on the couch a little more forcefully than he intended, causing some marinara sauce to spill all over his Alexander McQueen sweater. "Fine. I'll stay, but I am _not_ helping either of them in the bathroom."

"Deal," Carole replied with a laugh. "But seriously, who's doing what?"

"Well, I figured I'd be out here with Finn and help him with things like going to the bathroom and stuff, since you can't hold him up, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't want you seeing his junk. Besides, I'm a light sleeper, so when he wakes up, I can help him out and explain everything because he'll still be loopy," Burt decided. He furrowed his brow in concentration. "That's how we always did it in the past wasn't it? I handled bathroom duty right?"

"I don't know what the big deal is. It's not like I've never seen his penis before," Carole commented, glancing at a still sleeping Finn. "I did give birth to him."

"Trust me, no man wants their mom to see how they turned out in that department," Burt replied as Kurt nodded in agreement next to him.

Carole simply rolled her eyes at the ridiculousness of men. "By that logic, I suppose I'm on Rachel bathroom duty?"

"Yes," both Burt and Kurt responded simultaneously, each shuddering at the thought of having to help Rachel in the bathroom.

Burt looked at Carole. "You can stay with Rachel in her bedroom and just help her out when she pukes. I'd like to think the discharge from both ends should be ending soon if it is food poisoning. I mean surely it's out of her system."

Carole shook her head. "She should stop puking soon, but it usually takes a few days before she'll be ok."

Kurt snorted. "Have fun with that, Carole."

"And what is Son Number Two going to do while you and I are up all night with the sick and injured love birds?" Carole asked, noticing Burt looking at Kurt with a gleam in his eye.

"Kurt gets to be on clean up patrol. You'll be too busy with Rachel so if she misses, he can clean it up, and we already know Finn will puke as soon as he wakes up since he always does on narcotics. I can't believe I forgot to ask Dr. Cooper for some Phenegren to keep Finn from puking." Burt snickered, enjoying Kurt's horrified look. "Hope you brought your rubber gloves, Kurt."

"_What_?" Kurt exclaimed, jumping off the couch in surprise. "I'm not the cleanup crew! I'm _always_ in charge of Finn's entertainment!"

He'd never minded that job, even if he and Finn had different ideas of what passed for entertainment. He eyed Finn's X-Box and Wii, wondering if Finn would notice if he hid them, before he happily realized that with only one hand, Finn would be unable to play them. Maybe _this_ broken body part he'd _finally _get to have that History of Fashion DVD marathon that Finn always shot down.

"Congratulations then, you've been promoted," Burt announced. "Of course, you'll still be performing entertainment duties for both of them, as well as being our Gofer."

Kurt huffed at his promotion, ripping off a piece of his garlic bread forcefully. He really needed to stop answering his phone when his father called.

Vlad, who'd happily abandoned Finn's lap once the food had appeared in favor of Carole's, now decided to try his luck with Kurt. He jumped up on the couch Kurt was occupying, sitting upright directly across from him and placing a little paw on his thigh while his eyes gave Kurt their best _Poor Me_ look.

Burt eyed Kurt as he slipped the Chihuahua a piece of his bread. "You know, it's just occurred to me. I know how you hate feeling left out, Kurt. If I have bathroom duty with Finn and your mom has Rachel, I think it's only fair that you're in charge of bathroom duty for Vlad. Good luck, it's starting to snow."

Kurt's protests were cut short when Rachel finally emerged from the bathroom and appeared in the living room, holding onto the arm of the couch for support. Carole jumped up, grabbing the comforter and wrapping it around Rachel's shoulders. "Rachel! What are you doing in here? You need to go back to bed!"

"I wanted to see how Finn was and I need to feed Vlad. Finn was supposed to feed him, but he never got a chance to," Rachel said weakly, staring at her sleeping husband.

"I promise we'll come get you as soon as Finn wakes. How about Kurt feeds Vlad and then we'll watch a movie?" Carole suggested, already leading Rachel back to the bedroom. "Kurt! Feed Vlad and then bring in some Pedialyte for Rachel," she called over her shoulder.

Kurt sighed, already getting up to do Carole's bidding and wondering what Finn and Rachel were going to buy him to make it up to him.

Somehow, he doubted that a spa weekend would cover it.

* * *

><p>"Ugh…" Finn picked up his head, trying to orientation himself to his surroundings.<p>

"He's finally up," Burt stated to Kurt, muting off the TV. He got up, placing his hands on his knees as he peered at Finn. "Feeling nauseous?"

Finn opened his eyes to find both Kurt and Burt staring at him. He stared back with a dopey look on his face, still feeling the effects of the medicine. "Burt?"

"Yeah, it's me. Kurt's here too."

"Kurt! That's a funny name. Kurt. _Kurt_. Kuuuurt," Finn mumbled. "It's fun to say. Kuuuuuuurrrt. Ku-"

His musings about the humor of Kurt's name was cut short by Finn's good hand coming up to cover his mouth. As Burt had predicted, the medication was upsetting his stomach, but fortunately for Finn, Burt had prepared for this, immediately holding out a plastic lined garbage can and letting Finn empty his stomach.

Burt grinned, handing the garbage can to Kurt. "All yours, cleanup crew. Oh, and I think Vlad needs to go out."

Kurt closed his eyes for a moment, holding the can as far away from him as he could, as he tied the bag. "Come on Vlad. Time to go bye-byes."

Vlad raced towards the door, ready for his nightly walk. Kurt followed, sighing as he put on his coat and gloves. He clipped the leash onto Vlad, picking up Finn's bag and trudged out the door.

Forget the spa weekend. He wanted a spa week.

* * *

><p>"So what do you want to watch next, Rachel?" Carole asked, holding up a few DVDs. "<em>Meet me in St. Louis? The Music Man? State Fair?<em> I'm sorry I don't have a Rachel kit yet, this was the best I could do."

Rachel stared forlornly at her mother-in-law as she lay on her side clutching her pillow to her body. She pointed to _State Fair _watching silently as Carole popped the DVD in, settling in next to Rachel on Finn's side of the bed. "What's a Rachel kit?" she finally asked.

"A box of stuff that would make being sick more comfortable for you. Each of the boys had one, as well as Burt. I filled it with stuff that would help each of them and also make it easier for me."

"Like what?"

"Well, Burt's box would include DVDs of _Deadliest Catch_ and some car magazines, while Kurt's box always contained a spare set of silk pajamas, a few fashion magazines, some books and his nail care kit. For Finn, it was his Batman blanket, his comic books, action movies and a few other things," she recalled fondly.

Rachel managed a weak smile, not picking her head off the pillow. "I was wondering where that blanket came from."

Carole laughed as she stroked Rachel's hair. "It was my Finny's favorite. He always had to have that blanket when he was sick or injured. We'll have to get you a box."

Rachel only managed to get through about ten minutes of the movie before she was fast asleep. Carole took the opportunity to sneak out of the bedroom and check on her other patient. She'd heard movement in the hallway and assumed that Finn was up.

"How's he doing? When did he wake?" she asked, watching as Burt carefully settled Finn back into the recliner.

"A little while ago. He's still kind of loopy, but at least he's stopped saying Kurt's name a million different ways."

Carole laughed as she stroked Finn's hair affectionately. "How are you feeling, Finny?"

Automatically, she took the Batman blanket Burt had just picked up from him, positive that Burt didn't know how to tuck the blanket around Finn correctly. Finn smiled up at his mother as he felt her tuck the blanket around him just the way he liked.

"Are you hungry, Finn? I'll make you your special pancakes."

"With chocolate chips?"

"Of course, baby."

"And I don't have to go to school, right?"

Carole laughed. "I think it'll be ok if you miss it."

"And no tie-fighters?"

"Never." She hurried off to make his special pancakes, leaving Finn in his chair, happily anticipating not going to school.

"Are you seriously making Finn his stupid Star Wars pancakes?" Kurt asked as he came into the kitchen, Vlad at his heels.

Carole nodded happily, placing the special molds onto the griddle before she began pouring the batter into them. "You know he always liked his special pancakes when he was sick."

Kurt rolled his eyes as he watched Carole fill the Yoda mold, followed by the Storm Trooper and Darth Vader. "I can't believe he thought he could get better if he had his special pancakes. They're not going to make him better."

"That's rich coming from a guy who used to have a special bubble bath to be used only when he was sick," Burt commented, holding out a plate eagerly. "I'll take two Yodas and a Storm Trooper."

"That bubble bath had special healing powers. Darth Vader's Millennium Falcon in the pancake form does not," Kurt snapped, watching as Carole placed the requested two Yodas and a Storm Trooper on Burt's plate.

"First of all, Darth Vader drives a Tie-Fighter, not the Millennium Falcon. That's Han Solo's," Carole explained, filling up the three molds again, plus another two in the shape of the Millennium Falcon and an X-Wing Fighter. "Besides, Finny doesn't like the Tie-Fighter, so I never use that mold. Now do you want some or not?"

"Fine. I'll take a Yoda, no chocolate chips." He reached for the plate Carole had stacked with Yodas and Storm Troopers, only to have his mother smack his hand with a wooden spoon.

"Not so fast, young man. Go set up a snack tray in front of Finn and then check on Rachel while I finish up his pancakes."

"_Mom?_ _I need a retuck!"_

"Yeah, Kurt, go check on them," Burt added, happily pouring syrup on his pancakes.

"Go check on Rachel Kurt, I'll retuck Finn while I wait for his pancakes to finish," Carole directed. She walked back into the living room to see that Finn had fidgeted enough with his immobilized arm to throw his Batman blanket off. "Finn what are you doing?"

"Why is there a dollhouse right there?" Carole watched as Finn motioned towards Vlad's doggie castle. "Is it Kurt's?" Finn asked Carole suspiciously as his mom retucked him again.

"Um, no Finny. It's not Kurt's. It's Rachel's dog house. Now, settle down and let me finish making your pancakes or your dad and Kurt will eat them all." Carole patted Finn's good arm and started toward the kitchen.

"When did Kurt and I get a doggy named Rachel?" Carole could hear the whine in his voice increasing the more he talked. "Kurt won't eat my chocolate chip pancakes. He says it's bad for his complexion."

Carole just rolled her eyes as she made her way into kitchen to see Burt pouring batter into Finn's requested molds.

"_Mom? Can I have milk with a swirly straw too?"_

"Of course, Finny," Carole called back. She looked at Burt curiously. "He's _really_ out of it."

"I told you. When he first woke up, he did nothing but pronounce Kurt's name every possible way he could think of. Here, it's gonna be a long night." He handed Carole a cup of coffee before turning back to Finn's pancakes.

"Thanks honey." Carole said, placing a kiss on her husband's forehead as she sat down and took a sip. She sat on a stool sipping her coffee in what her mother's instinct told her was a temporary silence.

"_AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"_

Carole jumped at the screech that came from the direction of Finn and Rachel's bedroom. Looking at Burt in concern, she got up and headed toward the bedroom, unsure if it was Kurt or Rachel she had just heard screech. Upon entering the room, it was clear it was Kurt, as he was now covered in vomit, and poor Rachel was leaning over a trashcan vomiting again.

Carole took in the sight of Kurt just stood there, his mouth open and nothing but a "_bu bu bu bu_" and an occasional gagging sound came out of his mouth as he was obviously in shock.

Before Carole could even say anything, Kurt came to his senses and pointed an accusingly drippy finger at poor Rachel as she dry heaved; a hysterical tone to his voice. "She Linda Blaired me, Mom. She _Linda Blaired_ me!"

"It happens, Kurt." Carole walked over to Rachel, who looked like she was on the verge of tears, offering a comforting rub on her back.

"_It happens?_ That's all you can say? I'm covered in the contents of her stomach! One minute she was sipping water and talking to me normally, the next minute she opened her mouth and vomited all over me. She just ruined my Marc Jacob workout outfit."

"I'm sorry Kurt! I can't help it! I-" Rachel got no further in her apology as she began vomiting into the can again.

"This was from the new line! It's not even for sale yet! If Marc finds out, I'll have to start buying off the rack!" Kurt's voice was near tornado siren level as he looked at his ruined outfit, making Rachel start crying as she looked miserably up at him, her arms propped on the garbage can.

Carole was holding back the laughter that was threatening to erupt as she grabbed the bucket and mop sitting in the bathroom and handed them to Kurt, who cast a horrified look at her.

"Mom, she_ puked_ on me. You can't possibly expect me to clean up after her too."

"Need I remind you that _you_ have puked on _me_ and I've still changed your sheets?"

"That was different! I-"

Carole just shot him her mom stare, and watched him wither after a minute. "Kurt, we all have our part to play in taking care of these two and with your Dad on Finn command, me the general of this operation, you are on clean up command, and just because you take a hit doesn't mean you don't keep going with your mission. Go clean up yourself and then the room. I'll get Rachel."

Carole guided Rachel to the chair in the room and helped her down, grabbing Rachel's blanket and tucking her in nice and snug. She watched Rachel snuggle against Carole's hand with a small smile on her lips. Carole's heart went out to her daughter-in-law, because even though she was brought up by two loving fathers, there was nothing that could replace the touch of a mother. Smiling, she leaned down and placed a kiss on the girl's forehead and whispered, "I'll make you some really weak vegetable broth to sip on. Now sleep and don't let Kurt bother you as he cleans up."

Weakly, Rachel nodded her head in agreement and then snuggled into the chair, exhausted from her latest bout of nausea.

"_Mooom! Burt can't find my straw!"_

Carole sighed. Between Finn acting like a toddler, Rachel throwing up on everyone and Kurt mourning his clothes, this was going to be a _long_ night.

* * *

><p>"<em>Mom!"<em>

Carole stirred, instantly awake at the word. She squinted at the alarm clock, trying to see what time it was. 6:59 AM. Somehow, they'd made it through the night with minimal interruptions. Rachel had only woken up three times to vomit, while Finn had been so out of it, he'd slept most of the night. She pushed Burt, figuring they might as well do the rounds of their respective sick patients. Burt, exhausted from dealing with Finn all night, refused to wake, snuggling into his pillow.

_"Mom!...Mom!... Mom!"_

Sighing, she got out of bed, pulling her robe on as she made her way out of the guest room and into the living room where Finn was sitting in the recliner, calling her name repeatedly. Kurt was lying on the sofa next to him, his pillow firmly covering his head.

"_Mom!...Mom!...Mom!"_

"I'm right here, Finny. What do you need?"

"My arm hurts and I have to go to the bathroom," he whined, his voice and facial expressions revealing that he was still a little loopy. "Kurt won't help me probably because his name is funny. _Kurrrrrrrrt_."

Kurt mumbled something incoherent from under his pillow that sounded suspiciously like a series of expletives.

"I know, baby. It's time for your medicine anyway. Let's get you to the bathroom," Carole said soothingly.

"You can't help me! You're a _girl!_"

Carole sighed. "Fine. Let me get Burt. You stay here."

"I'm right here. Let's go, Big Guy." Carefully, Burt helped him down the hall, right past Rachel, who was standing wrapped in her comforter in the doorway of her bedroom.

"Finn! You're up!" she exclaimed weakly, but still managing to smile at the sight of her husband. Her smile turned to a frown when Finn ignored her, still concentrating on different ways to say Kurt's name as Burt led him to the bathroom. "Finny?"

She followed them into the bathroom, determined to talk to Finn. Silently, she watched as Burt led Finn to the toilet, who was mumbling something as he leaned on Burt. "I can help him, Burt."

Finn finally gazed over at Rachel, who smiled hopefully at him. "She's a _girl._"

"It's ok, Rachel. Go back to bed. I got him."

"No, really, I can-"

"Why is there a _girl_ in the men's room, Burt?" Finn demanded; his voice still dazed. "I really need to pee, Burt."

"Finn, it's me!" Rachel insisted, staring at her husband, who was back to ignoring her, fascinated by a framed picture of the Caribbean landscape above the toilet bowl.

"Rachel, honey, come with me," Carole cooed, correctly guessing what was going in the bathroom with one look at its occupants.

"What's going on? Why didn't he want me in there?" Rachel asked worriedly as she allowed herself to be led away towards the bedroom again. She frowned as an audible "_she finally left! Now I can pee," _came floating from the bathroom.

"Finn's just very out of it from his medicine," Carole assured her as she helped Rachel back into bed. "Last night he was contemplating toast."

"Oh. So this is normal then?" Rachel asked, her hand flying up to cover her mouth as her stomach suddenly started cramping again. Carole quickly handed her a garbage can, letting her empty her stomach yet again.

"Don't worry about it, Rachel. He'll start getting less woozy with each dose and then I'm sure he'll be calling for you," Carole assured her, stroking her hair softly as Rachel leaned on the garbage can again. "You just concentrate on getting better so that when he's ready, you can help him."

"_Mooooom! Burt says I can't have any ice cream now! I **want** ice cream! With extra sprinkles!"_

Rachel nodded wearily, wondering when that was going to be.

* * *

><p>Carole was wrong. If anything Finn got <em>worse<em> with each medication, reverting to a girl hating little boy with each dose of medicine he took. Not one to have a high tolerance of pain, the doctor had prescribed a strong painkiller for him which was keeping him pain free, but driving the rest of the family crazy. The medication also had the added side effect of making Rachel incredibly upset, since with each dose he took, Finn became more and more convinced that Rachel was a '_gross girl_' he needed to stay away from. The only female he allowed near him was Carole, since '_moms aren't girls._'

Feeling slightly better, she'd attempted lying on the couch next to his recliner, only to have him start screaming for Carole, who'd come running in, afraid he'd hurt himself again. Finn had simply pointed at Rachel with his good hand, whining that there was a girl in the room. They'd tried several more times to integrate Rachel into the living room next to Finn, only to have the same thing happen.

Rachel had retreated to the bedroom with Kurt and Vlad, visibly upset at this latest development. Kurt had attempted to distract her with a combination of online shopping and closet cleaning, which only made her more upset when he started ridding Finn's side of the closet of items he particularly hated. Each item of Finn's he pulled out only served to remind her that her husband currently hated her, even if it was under the influence of painkillers and narcotics.

She'd bided her time, giving him space as Carole suggested, but she was going stir crazy with worry by dinner the next day. Kurt had been sent out to get _KFC _for Finn and Burt, along with sushi for himself and Carole, which meant that she was unattended, a fact she planned to take advantage of.

"_Mom!"_

Rachel frowned as she heard Finn start calling for his mother again. She knew Carole had just gone down to the basement to do some laundry for Rachel, but Burt should be somewhere around.

"_Mom! Where's my chocolate milk? And my Batman blanket fell!"_

Cautiously, she made her way down the hallway. Finn was still calling for his mother from the recliner, the Batman blanket pooled at his feet. She glanced around trying to locate Burt, but he was nowhere to be found.

"_Mooooom! I really need my chocolate milk!"_ Finn whined, his voice still holding that note of loopiness that was really beginning to annoy Rachel. _"Oh and can I have some Oreos? I promise I'll eat my dinner!"_

She waited a moment to see if Burt appeared, but wherever he was, it was _not_ in the apartment. Quietly, she went into the kitchen, making the requested chocolate milk just the way he liked it, with extra chocolate, grabbing the bag of cookies on her way to the living room.

"What are you doing?" Finn asked immediately. "Mom? She's here _again_!"

"I…I brought you your milk and cookies," Rachel said desperately, holding out the glass and the cookies for him to see.

"I can't eat them now! I don't want girl _cooties._"

"Don't be silly. I don't have cooties," Rachel replied, taking a step closer to him.

"Kurt _says_ all girls have cooties."

"I don't. You know I don't. You showered with me a few days ago," Rachel insisted, stepping closer again.

"I don't shower with _girls_! That's just gross."

"Ok, but you did." She picked up the Batman blanket that had pooled around his feet.

"What are you doing?" he asked, alarmed as she stepped closer. "Mom? _Mom_! That girl has stolen my blanket! Mom!"

"Finny, I'm just going to fix your blanket," Rachel said soothingly.

Finn eyed her warily, unconvinced and deciding to resume his yelling, which caused Rachel to burst into tears. "Moooooom!"

"Finn, what's the problem?" Carole asked, running into the living room. Burt followed behind a laundry basket under one arm. She took in the scene in front of her, Finn still screaming for her while Rachel was crying in front of his recliner, one hand clutching Finn's Batman blanket.

"_She_ stole my Batman blanket!" he said accusingly, pointing to Rachel with his good hand. He lowered his voice to a whisper. "_And _she said we take showers together! I don't do that, Mom. I _don't_."

"Baby, I told you, Rachel is your wife," Carole replied, taking the blanket from Rachel and tucking it around Finn. "You two do lots of things together."

"I don't play with _girls!_" Finn cried, horrified at the idea. "Maybe she's getting me confused with Kurt."

"Sorry, Finn, but Kurt _definitely_ is not taking a shower with Rachel or playing with her," Burt replied, chuckling.

Carole stared at him thoughtfully for a moment, before turning to Burt. "Why don't you bring Rachel back to the bedroom? I'm going to make a phone call."

"No. I'm _not _going anywhere," Rachel insisted, still sniffling as she picked up Vlad. "Not until I find out why he's acting like this."

_"Mooooom_! Now she's holding my dog!"

Carole sighed, hardly believing she was dealing with this. Quickly, she dialed the number the doctor had given Rachel on Finn's first visit. Shushing Finn, who was still whining about Rachel holding his dog, she walked out of the room, the phone firmly pressed to her ear.

"Alright, I'm back," Kurt announced, coming into the apartment loaded down with bags of food, his coat covered in snow. "I got everything you guys wanted and just in time too. It's really starting to snow out there."

Eagerly, Burt took the bags from him, quickly making a plate for Finn. "Alright Finn. Here's your chicken, mashed potatoes and mac n' cheese, extra cheese."

Finn's eyes narrowed at a still crying Rachel as he gestured to her with his fork. "What's _she_ having? I'm _not_ sharing my chicken."

"Like she would want your greasy chicken," Kurt snapped, busy placing his wasabi in the soy sauce. Rachel sat down next to Kurt, wiping her eyes as Vlad licked her face.

"Kurt, I want my Spiderman comic book while I eat," Finn announced before placing some mashed potatoes in his mouth.

Kurt dropped his chopsticks at the announcement. "No. No. Not that. You know how I hate that."

"I _want_ my Spiderman," he insisted.

"Well I want to go on George Clooney's yacht, but that's not happening either," Kurt snapped.

"Kurt, just suck it up and do it," Burt directed, pointing at him with a piece of chicken.

"But Dad! You know how annoying it is and he always-"

"I can do it," Rachel offered, not quite sure what she was offering to do, but needing to do _something_ for Finn.

"No. It has to be Kurt," Finn insisted stubbornly. "Go get my Spidey comic book."

Sighing, Kurt got up and walked over to the Finn box, fishing out a comic book. Finn watched, directing him to bring over a kitchen chair and put it next to his recliner. Satisfied at the placement of the chair, he commanded Kurt to sit. "Open."

Kurt sighed again, looking at his food longingly as he opened the book and held it out. Rachel watched curiously as Finn stared at the pictures on the page, trying to figure out what Kurt hated so much about the comic book.

"Turn."

Glaring at Finn, Kurt turned the page, allowing Finn to happily resume his examination of the pictures.

"Turn."

"Dad! He's doing it again! You know he's not allowed to say "_turn"_ after the broken collarbone of '97 incident!"

"Kurt, just go with it. He's higher than a kite right now."

"What's the broken collarbone of '97 incident?" Rachel whispered to Burt.

"Let's just say that Finn's no longer the owner of issue 65 since it had a little run in with the fireplace," he whispered back.

"Turn."

"_Dad_!"

Fortunately, Carole came back in at that moment, the phone in her hand. "Burt, read the comic book to Finny. I need Kurt to go to the pharmacy. I explained Finn's behavior towards Rachel to the doctor and he's going to prescribe a different pain killer for him."

"_What!_ It's really snowing out there!" Kurt protested. "Why do I have to go?"

"Turn."

"You want to help Finn in the bathroom?"

"Kurt. _Turn."_

_"_Fine," Kurt snapped, tossing the comic book to Burt and stomping over to the coat rack. "I'll go get his medicine. But know this: you two owe me so much, that not even the new Alexander McQueen sweater will make us even."

Rachel smiled weakly as he stomped out, knowing he was right. For his part, Finn simply stared at Burt.

"Burt. Turn."

* * *

><p><strong><em>Six Weeks Later…<em>**

Once Finn had started taking the new medicine, all of his objections to Rachel being around him were eviscerated. If anything, he wanted her around him _more_. Rachel took Kurt's place on the couch so they could get better together and she became his entertainment as her health improved.

Carole stayed with them for a few days after Finn's surgery, but Rachel, now fully recovered, soon took over nursing duties. Taking the job of nursing Finn back to health _very_ seriously, she refused to give in to his claims that sex would speed up his recovery, mindful of what had happened last time. Instead she promised to make it up to him once he was fully recovered, which led to Finn pouting and trying to play the sick patient card, to no avail. As the weeks went on and he got better, she did relax the rules very slightly, agreeing to let him watch her do some things that she _never _thought she'd do.

It was all worth it though, when the doctor declared him well enough to stop being immobilized. Rachel had been looking forward to the day simply because it meant she'd have her husband back and she could cuddle with him without worrying about hurting him. Finn of course was simply looking forward to sex. He'd spent the last six weeks imagining new places for them to do it. Since they'd _never_ gone longer than a week without it, he fully planned to make up for those six weeks, no matter what Rachel said.

"Well? How does it feel to be able to sleep in bed again?" Rachel asked that night, pulling the covers back as she climbed in. "Are you excited?"

Finn grinned as he slid into bed next to her. "Totally. If I never sleep in that recliner again, it'll be too soon."

Automatically, she moved to curl into his side, hesitating for a moment. "Am I going to hurt you if I snuggle into you?"

"Nope. My shoulder is as good as new, even if I do have to go to physical therapy."

"Good. I missed cuddling with my Snugglebunny." She snuggled into him, relishing the feeling of his warm body under her.

"Really? Is that all you missed?"

Rachel picked her head up to see him waggling his eyebrows. "Isn't that what sent you to the hospital in the first place?"

"No, what sent me to the hospital was Vlad's dinosaur. You just made me get surgery. The way I figure it, you both owe me and I know just how you can repay me."

"Oh really? Well I know how you can repay _me _for constantly telling me I have cooties and refusing to talk to me."

Finn laughed. "Call it even then? We'll have to get Kurt and my parents something for dealing with both of us. I wish I could have seen when you puked on Kurt."

Rachel laughed also before putting her head back on his chest. "Thank God that's over with. I don't ever want to go through that again."

"Agreed." He kissed the top of her head, surprised when the phone started ringing. He reached over with the hand not currently wrapped around his wife, bringing the phone to his ear. "Hello?"

Rachel, surprised at the phone ringing at this hour, immediately sat up, concerned as she listened to Finn's cryptic end of the phone call. "What is it? Who was it?" she demanded as soon as he hung up.

Finn sighed, getting out of bed. "Get dressed babe. Kurt slipped on some black ice and fell. He's in the ER now."

"What?" Rachel cried, immediately getting out of bed and pulling on the first pieces of clothing she could find. "Is he ok?"

"He dislocated his shoulder."

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: This chapter was inspired by SciFiMom2000's family, who had pretty much every injury in this story. :)_**


	14. The NORMArizing of Ava, Part I

_**Disclaimer: Glee does not belong to me**_

* * *

><p><strong><em>Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. <em>**

**_~Author Unknown_**

* * *

><p>"So it's all set," Finn announced, waiting at the bottom of the slide while Kurt held Minnie Mouse and Ava's shoes nearby. "Mom and Burt are coming on Wednesday to stay with Ava and Vlad, and I'm free to get all the S-E-X I want in Barbados." He grinned like a fool at the prospect, completely missing Ava coming down, who slid right off the slide and onto the rubber mat at his feet.<p>

Indignant, she picked herself up off the floor, one hand on her hip. "You didn't catch me, Daddy!"

"Sorry Ava-roo. Why don't you do it again? I'll catch you this time, I promise."

"Don't forget to watch, Uncle Kurt!" Ava called as she hurried off to climb through the tubes again.

"So if it's all set, then why am I here?" Kurt asked, his voice dripping with distaste as he took in the brightly colored surroundings of _Chuck E. Cheese_, one hand supporting the other while his fingers rested on his face_. _Everywhere he looked was an explosion of primary colors and plastic tubes for kids to climb in. A large ball pit was at the end of one group of tubes while a stage stood thankfully empty nearby. He'd almost had a heart attack when the stage was filled with Chuck E. Cheese and his friends dancing and singing…loudly. Ava had loved it, clapping and singing along, but it had been torturous for both him and Finn.

"Because this is a celebration. Minnie got her cast off and since Ava likes hanging out with you, she wanted to you be here for the celebration," Finn replied, his eyes tracking Ava's progress through the tubes. "Plus, I can't fit in the tubes. Ava gets stuck, you're going in."

"_Excuse me_? Those tubes reek of feet. If you think I'm going in there, you've got another think coming."

"I may also need you to watch Ava while Puck and I play Skee-ball. He thinks he can beat me, so I told him to meet us here."

Kurt smirked. "Puckerman is coming _here_? This should be interesting."

"Yup. He should be here any minute," Finn replied, his smirk matching Kurt's. He got into position, noticing that Ava was at the top of the slide, expertly catching her and scooping her up when she got to the bottom before he cuddled her close to his chest. "Ready for lunch, Ava?"

She nodded eagerly, holding her arms out to Kurt. "Did you see? Did you see how fast I came down the slide, Uncle Kurt?"

"I saw, Ava. You were like a race car, you were so fast," Kurt assured her, taking her from Finn and bringing her over to an empty booth, mercifully far away from the stage. He placed her in the booth, quickly slipping the cowboy boots he hated so much on her feet and handing her Minnie Mouse.

Finn quickly ordered the pizza and brought over the soda and juice, handing Ava her cup with the _Chuck E. Cheese_ straw in it. He grinned when his cell phone started ringing, recognizing the special ring tone for Puck. "Hello?"

"These fucking people won't let me in because I don't have a kid. What the fuck is a Kid Check anyway?"

"Oh, hold on. I'll bring Ava over. Wait there." He hung up, laughing. "Come with Daddy, Ava. Norma needs to get a stamp like yours." Instructing Kurt to wait for the pizza, he grabbed Ava and made his way to the front.

"Bout time you got here. Hey, A."

"He's with us," Finn assured the employee. He held out Ava's hand, letting the employee scan it to see the invisible ink stamped there. The employee turned her attention to Puck, looking at him expectantly. Puck stared back, arching an eyebrow.

"Dude, hold your hand," Finn hissed, knowing that Puck thought that the employee was checking him out and wanting to avoid him saying anything that would get them kicked out.

"Why the fuck do I need a stamp? She's not my kid."

"You _need_ a stamp, Norma," Ava instructed. "We have to match so nobody steals me."

"Yeah?" Puck asked, letting his hand get stamped while his other hand reached out to tickle Ava. "How about I steal you from Daddy right now?"

"No Norma! Don't tickle me!" she shrieked, squirming in her father's arms. "Don't tickle! Don't tickle!"

"You want a wiggly little girl, you can have her without stealing her," Finn announced, handing her over. Ava settled into Puck's arms, her hands guarding her belly while her eyes watched Puck's hand warily.

"You ready to lose?" he asked Finn, following him back into the main room. "Cause I…_whoa._ What is this crap?"

His reaction, mouth gaping open as his eyes darted around the room taking everything in, was exactly what Finn thought it would be. He really couldn't have timed Puck's arrival any better, since Chuck and all his animal friends were currently singing and jumping around on stage. Puck turned to look at Finn accusingly. "You said it was an arcade!"

"It _is_ an arcade," he replied, making his way back to Kurt, who was currently sitting with his back to the singing animals. He'd plugged his iPod into his ears and his eyes were closed in deep concentration as he mouthed whatever was playing on his iPod. Puck followed behind holding Ava, who was once again clapping her hands and singing.

Their arrival at the table went unnoticed by Kurt, since he was clearly attempting to drown out the singing animals with a Barbra Streisand song on full volume. Only a smack on the head from Finn alerted him to their presence. "How _dare_ you interrupt a performance of Barbra live at the Forum?"

Ava settled into the booth next to him, yanking an ear bud out of his ear. "Chuck E. Cheese is singing, Uncle Kurt!"

"I know. That's why I'm listening to Barbra." He placed the ear bud back in his ear, only to have it immediately yanked out of his ear again by Ava.

"Chuck E. Cheese is better," Ava said, firmly convinced of this. "Right Norma?"

"I think you should take Uncle Kurt's iPod away so he can _really _hear Chuck sing, A. It's not fair that we all get to hear the awesomeness of Chuck singing and Uncle Kurt doesn't," Puck replied innocently.

Ava seemed to agree with this, since she lunged for Kurt's iPod. Kurt was quicker, holding it out of her reach, before carefully placing it back in his messenger bag. "Hey, Ava? Why don't you bring Norma over to Chuck and introduce him? I'm _sure_ he'd love to meet Chuck."

Fortunately for Puck, Finn returned with the pizza at that moment, distracting Ava from the idea of introducing him to Chuck and his friends, who'd finally stopped singing. Puck grabbed a slice, shoving into his mouth while Finn cut up a slice for Ava.

"Here you go, Avs." He handed the plate to Ava, quickly grabbing a slice for himself before Puck could eat them all.

"Yo, Huds, let's go. The sooner I kick your ass in Skee-ball, the quicker I can lea-" His words were cut off as his legs were suddenly under attack. He looked down, unsure of what had hit him, grinning when he realized what it was. "Hey! It's the Other Other Asian! S'up, Dave?"

He bent down to David's level, holding up his fist for David, who expertly fist bumped it as Mike came up behind him. Unlike Ava, David had inherited his father's height, although his facial features were a mix of both Mike and Tina, with Mike's genes taking a more dominant role. _Like_ Ava, his eyes were exact replicas of his mother's. He smiled up at Puck and Ava, his baby fat creating a dimple in each cheek as he looked up at Puck.

"Hi David! Hi Uncle Mike!" Ava said cheerily. "We're having pizza. Minnie got her cast off. See?" She held up a castless Minnie, making her leg swing back and forth to show how well her leg had healed.

"Wow, her leg looks great, Ava," Mike commented, leaning over to tug Ava's ponytail.

"I took _very_ good care of her," Ava announced proudly.

"Want some pizza, dude?" Finn asked, giving David a fist bump of his own. David nodded eagerly, climbing into the booth across from Kurt and Ava. "Watch them, Kurt. We're gonna play Skee-ball."

Kurt nodded as they walked away, busy cutting up a piece of pizza for David and listening to the two toddlers discuss _Sesame Street._

"Let's hurry up and get this over with. The sooner I kick your ass, the sooner it'll be Wednesday," Finn announced, bending down to put some tokens in the Skee-ball machine, Puck and Mike doing the same on either side of them.

"Dude, that makes no sense. What's Wednesday?" Puck asked, concentrating on rolling the wooden balls down the ramp and aiming for the '100' slot.

"Wednesday's the day my unlimited sex weekend starts," Finn replied, focusing on his own rolling.

"_Nice_. What are you going to do with Berry when the broad comes over?" Puck questioned, still rolling the balls down the lane.

"Funny. You know I meant an unlimited sex weekend with _Rachel_."

"That sounds better than my weekend. Tina's mother and grandmother are visiting all weekend and staying with us, so I'm cut off," Mike added, sounding more than a little jealous.

"I can get it whenever I want," Puck replied smugly. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see one of Chuck E. Cheese's animal friends, the hound dog, standing nearby. He threw a ball slightly harder, hoping that stupid dog wasn't going to start singing.

"Yeah, enjoy that while it lasts." Mike threw his last ball turning to look at the other two, who were also throwing their last balls. "Once the baby comes, the sex drive goes."

"That's total bull. Having a kid in the apartment won't change anything. Q's a sex shark like me," Puck boasted. He frowned when he noticed that he'd lost to Finn, who wasn't bothering to hide his gloating. "These things must be rigged if you beat me."

"Or you could just suck," Finn offered helpfully.

"That would be you in bed, dude," Puck retorted. The hound dog had moved closer to him, which made his frown return. "Dude, I think that fucking dog is following me."

"Don't be stupid. He's supposed to be interacting with the kids, not you."

"I'm serious. That dog keeps getting closer."

"He's _not_ following…Uh oh." Finn's words were cut off as he took in the sight of Kurt, a guilty looking toddler attached to each hand, coming their way. Even from a distance, the pissed off look on his face was unmistakable as was the large dark spot with splatterings of pizza sauce staining his groin.

"Finn. Mike." Kurt greeted each father in turn, a tight lipped expression on his face that only grew tighter once he saw Puck burst out laughing at his predicament.

"What's the matter, Hummel? Not potty trained yet?" Puck asked, between snorts of laughter.

"What the hell happened, Kurt?" Finn asked, not bothering to hide his amusement either.

"David did it," Ava said immediately.

"I did not! You did it!"

"Whoa, time out guys. What happened to Uncle Kurt that's made him speechless?" Finn asked, crouching down to their level. Not that he really needed to ask, since the evidence was still on Kurt's pants.

"David ruined Uncle Kurt's pants, Daddy!"

"I did _not_! You did!"

"You spilled the soda, _David_," Ava said accusingly, one hand still tucked securely in her uncle's while the other was placed on her hip, Minnie hanging limply from it.

"Well, you dropped the pizza, _Ava_," David shot back.

"_You_ spilled-"

"Kurt, what happened?" Mike cut in, interrupting the toddler's squabbling.

"Chuck E. Cheese came over to our table and he knocked over Ava's juice. David tried to help clean it up, but he knocked over the pitcher of soda. Ava then tried to help, but she hit the pizza tray when she stood up. Do I need to explain anymore? No? Good. I am leaving now; do not contact me again today. Good-bye." He passed off each toddler to their respective match, turning and walking out with as much dignity as he could muster covered in soda and pizza.

"The sight of Hummel covered in food just made this trip to toddler hell worth it," Puck announced, his hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath from laughing so hard. "Plus, he scared off that stupid dog that I still think was stalking me."

Finn and Mike both started snickering at Kurt's abrupt exit as Puck bent down to the toddler's level, giving each of them a high five. "Awesome job, you two. Way to tag team Uncle Kurt."

"Dude! Don't congratulate them!" Finn hissed, exchanging a glance with Mike.

"Why not? It was fucking funny."

"You have a _lot_ to learn about child raising, Puck," Mike replied, shaking his head.

"Please, I could run circles around you two when it comes to parenting," he retorted, standing back up. "Hey Avs, Dave, how about we hit the ball pit?"

Finn and Mike exchanged another glance, this one of triumph as he was pulled away by the two excited toddlers. Puck had _no _idea what he was in for.

* * *

><p>"Sorry, Finn. I know the timing really sucks, Carole was really looking forward to taking Ava to school and helping out." Burt's apologetic voice came through the phone, causing Finn to switch into panic mode. "You know how she is. She kept insisting she was fine, but she couldn't even get out of bed this morning."<p>

"No, it's fine. I'll find someone else to watch Ava. Mom needs to get better," Finn assured him, mentally running through who could possibly watch Ava at the same time. "Lemme call you back."

He hung up the phone, leaning back in his chair, deep in thought. Artie and Brittany had a newborn at home, so he could hardly ask them and Mike's mother was currently visiting them, so he was out too.

"Hey, do you have the notes from the last meeting for me to look at?"

Finn was pulled out of his thoughts by the sight of Quinn standing in his doorway, her hand on her protruding stomach. "Huh? Oh right, the notes."

Quinn sat down in the chair across from him as he started shuffling through the papers on his desk; honestly having no clue what he was looking for. "Problems?"

He glanced up, sighing. "I'm surprising Rachel with a weekend away, since she just finished her next book. My mom was supposed to watch Ava all weekend, but she's got the flu."

"Oh, Rachel finished? She didn't tell me!" Quinn exclaimed, honestly surprised. "I knew she was near the end of it, but I had no idea she was done."

"Yeah, she finished two days ago. I booked the trip last week as soon as she mentioned being practically done, but now that my mom is sick, I'll have to cancel it, I guess."

"Don't cancel it, Ava can stay with us!" Quinn announced, excited by the idea. "It'll be so perfect."

"Are you sure? You're like _really _pregnant," Finn said doubtfully. "And Puck's like a big kid himself. He got stuck in a tube at Chuck E. Cheese the other day when he was chasing David and Ava."

_"What?_ What do you mean he got stuck in a tube?"

Finn grinned at the memory. "He was boasting about how easy it was to be a parent and he took the two of them over to the ball pit, not knowing that they normally refuse to get out of the ball pit and try to hide in the tubes to avoid leaving. He tried to follow them into the tube to grab them, but got stuck. Chuck E. Cheese himself tried to pull him out."

Quinn laughed in spite of the fact that her husband got bested by two toddlers. "He really got pulled out by a mouse?"

"Yup. _After_ Chuck called all his friends over and they sang a song. You really think he's ready for a whole weekend of that?"

"Don't worry about him, I'll deal with him," Quinn said dismissively. "We need to practice anyway."

"I don't know. Ava's only ever stayed with her grandparents or Kurt."

"She loves coming over to spend time with Norma," Quinn pointed out, a smirk on her face at the nickname.

"That's what I'm afraid of. I don't want to pick her up on Sunday to find out that she's got a Mohawk."

"I'll be there to supervise the two kids as they play," Quinn promised. "He'll have to learn how to reign in the cursing anyway, so this'll be excellent practice."

"Are you positive you want to do this?"

"Absolutely. When are you planning on leaving?"

"Well tonight if possible. I was planning on leaving soon to surprise Rachel. I secretly packed for her and me last night while she was at yoga, but if I leave now it'll give her time to repack."

Quinn glanced at her watch. "It's 9:30 now. What time are you dropping Ava off?"

"Our flight's at 4, so 1:00 ok?"

"Sounds perfect. Puck's home and I'm only working a half day today."

"I guess it's a plan then," Finn said reluctantly, knowing this news could potentially put a damper on the amount of sex he would be getting this weekend. Rachel's sex drive had been significantly increased lately for some reason, which was an awesome thing for him since she now wanted it _all the time, _something he planned to take advantage of in Barbados. The fact that Ava would be around Puck 24/7 could easily impact her sex drive, something he was keenly aware of.

"I'll go call him now. He's going to be so excited." Happily, she hurried out of the room as fast as her pregnant body would allow.

Finn leaned back in his chair, running a hand through his hair. If only he could say the same about Rachel.

* * *

><p>"Rachel? Where are you, baby?"<p>

"I'm right here, what are you doing home?" she asked from the kitchen, her eyes slightly panicked at the sight of her husband home at 10:00 on a Wednesday. Her arms automatically found their way around Finn's torso as she scanned him for any signs of a problem. "Is there something wrong?"

"Nope." He leaned down to give her a quick kiss. "I just came home to find out what you were doing later."

She furrowed her brow in concentration. "Well Ava has ballet at four, but other than that, nothing. Why?"

"Where is she?"

"She fell asleep in the cab after we went shopping."

"Yeah? Did you get a new bathing suit or better yet, some lingerie?"

"We went_ food_ shopping, Finn." She eyed him suspiciously, immediately noticing that twinkle in his eye that meant he was plotting something. "What are you up to?"

Finn shook his head sadly. "That's too bad. Guess you'll just have to wear your old bathing suit and sleep naked in Barbados, which I'm all for, by the way."

"Finn! Are you serious?" Her eyes lit up with excitement. "When did you do this?"

"I booked it as soon as you said you were going to finish this week. Our flight leaves at 4:00 this afternoon."

Her face fell. "Baby, there's no way I can be ready to go today. What about Ava? I was waiting for her to wake so we can go get new pajamas for her. And I still have to pack. Oh, and I'm class helper this week and Violet has a-"

Finn cut her rambling off with a kiss. "All taken care of. Ava and Vlad are going to be staying with Quinn and Puck and they'll bring her to all her stuff and I already packed for you. And when she wakes, I'll take her shopping for pjs so you can repack what I packed for you, since I know you won't like it."

"Wait. You arranged for Ava to stay with _Noah_? She's never stayed there before for a reason. You know she's going to come back knowing how to give the finger. There _must_ be someone else."

"It wasn't my first choice. My mom was supposed to be coming here, but she's got the flu. And don't worry; Quinn promised to watch Puck." Ignoring her rambling, he grabbed her by the waist and wrapped his arms around her, picking her up so that her feet were a foot or two off the floor while he began placing kisses and sucking on her neck. Refusing to cave, her arms stuck straight out at her sides while her legs remained hanging limply in the air, making her look like the letter T.

"He'll tell her all the times he caught us. It'll be our wedding all over again!" Rachel cried, panicked at the thought of Ava hearing that. "Maybe my dads can fly in from California. Or Mercedes could take her for the weekend. She's going to Vermont with Sam, but I'm sure there's room in the car."

"Baby, breathe." He placed a hot kiss on her neck, waiting until Rachel took a deep breath. "She'll be fine over at Puck's. Quinn will be there to referee any fights they have."

"He _does_ have the mentality of a three year old." Her legs came to wrap around his waist and he knew she was weakening.

"Yup. He does. Besides, isn't the thought of Puck at dance enough to risk the possibility of Ava learning some new words?"

Rachel laughed as her arms snaked around his neck. "I almost wish we could videotape the weekend."

"Well…" Finn quirked an eyebrow suggestively.

"I meant Ava and Noah's weekend, Finnegan," Rachel replied, smacking him lightly on the chest.

He grabbed her hand, kissing the back of it. "Are we good then? Did I surprise you?"

Rachel kissed him, mumbling her answer against his lips. "I can't believe you planned this."

"Don't we always go somewhere when you finish a book? I just didn't let you pick the place this time." He looked down when he felt a tugging on his leg, to see Ava, one hand tugging on his pants while the other rubbed her eyes. "There's my Ava-roo!"

He let Rachel slide down his body before he leaned down, easily picking up his daughter and giving her a kiss. "Guess what, Avs?"

"What?"

"How would you like to have a sleepover with Norma and Aunt Quinn?"

"With you?"

"Daddy and I are going away, so you get to stay with Norma and Quinn, just like when you stayed with Uncle Kurt or Grandma!" Rachel explained careful to keep a happy tone to her voice. "Won't that be fun?"

"You're going away?" Ava's voice wavered and she buried her face in Finn's chest.

"Only for the weekend," Finn hastened to add, exchanging a worried look with Rachel who he could tell was mentally kicking herself for her choice of words. "We'll be back before you know it."

"No."

"Think of how much fun you'll have with Norma. You can watch _Max and Ruby_ and have lots of tea parties with Mrs. Ponypants. Vlad's going to be there too!"

"No." Ava's voice was now teary as she clung to Finn's neck. "No, Daddy. Don't go."

"Ava, if you don't go over to Norma's, he's going to be _so_ sad. He'll probably cry since he's not a big boy like you're my big girl," Finn commented casually, hoping Rachel caught on to what he was trying to do.

Ava picked her head up to stare at Finn, interested although her voice was still watery. "Norma cries?"

"All the time. He'll be crying if you don't come over and play. He _really_ wanted to go to dance class with you, you know."

"Really?"

Rachel nodded solemnly. "Not only that, but he was hoping you'd bring over his favorite hat for dress-up, so he could show Aunt Quinn."

Ava seemed convinced by this, since she began squirming in Finn's arms to be put down and ran off in the direction of her bedroom once her feet hit the ground.

"What do you think did it? The idea of Puck crying or wanting her to bring that hat over?" Finn asked, slipping his arms back around Rachel.

"I don't know, but nice touch about the dance classes. He's going to go crazy there," Rachel replied, pulling his face down to hers for a quick kiss. "Come on."

Curious to see what Ava was doing, Rachel pulled Finn down the hallway to her bedroom, pausing in the doorway to take in the scene in front of them before they burst out laughing.

Ava had pulled out her Rapunzel suitcase out of her closet and had it open on the floor. Rather than fill it with clothes, she'd filled it with her tea set, plastic food, Sergeant VonFuzzyBear and Boots the Monkey. Rachel and Finn watched as she rummaged through her dress up trunk, trying to find Mrs. Ponypants' feathery hat. Triumphantly, she pulled the hat out of the trunk, jamming it on top of the Sergeant and Boots while simultaneously trying to zip up the suitcase.

"What are you doing, baby girl?" Finn asked, trying to suppress his laughter at the sight in front of him. Ava had given up on zipping the suitcase, resulting in Boots' leg and a bunch of feathers sticking out of the suitcase.

"I'm ready to go to Norma's," Ava announced, trying to pull the suitcase towards the door. "I don't want him to cry anymore."

"That's very nice of you, but we have to pack some clothes too. Daddy's going to take you to get some special pajamas just for Norma's," Rachel explained, bending down to Ava's level.

"Ready to go, little dudette?" Finn asked, holding out his hand to Ava. "Let's let Mommy pack your stuff while we go find some pjs that'll make Norma wish he had pjs that cool."

Ava nodded, grabbing Minnie off the floor before slipping her hand into her father's. Finn smiled down at her before leaning over to give Rachel a kiss goodbye. "We're going now, so you can pack in peace. Just try not to remove too much of what I packed."

Rachel quirked an eyebrow. "Let me guess. You only packed lingerie in my suitcase?"

"You got it," he said saucily as he picked Ava up.

"What's laun-jerry?" Ava asked her father, trying to pronounce lingerie.

"Uh…" Finn stared at Rachel, unsure of how to answer.

"It's super special pajamas that only mommies can wear," Rachel said firmly.

"Yeah, sorry, Avs. No lingerie for you, _ever,_" Finn added, trying to distract her by tickling her stomach. It worked, since Ava squealed and immediately covered her stomach. "Let's go get you pjs and then pick up your luggage to bring to Norma's."

"She needs underwear too, Finn. So do you, for that matter," Rachel commented as she followed them into the hallway and helped Ava put on her coat.

"Not this weekend, I don't." He winked at her over his shoulder as he opened the door and allowed himself to be led out by Ava.

"Come on, Daddy!" Expertly, she pressed the button for the elevator, doing a little dance as she waited.

"What are you doing, A?"

"_The Hampster Dance,_" Ava announced, immediately launching into a recount of a dance video game she'd played at her friend Violet's house the other day.

Inspiration struck Finn just as the elevator doors opened. "You know Ava, that sounds like something Norma would _love_. How about we make another stop and pick up that game for you?"

Ava beamed, thrilled at the idea of dancing with Norma. Beside her, Finn beamed also, wishing more than ever that he could video tape Ava's weekend. If Puck thought parenting was so easy, he wanted to see what he thought after doing the _Monkey Dance_ a million times.

Forget the video camera, he'd _pay_ to see that.

* * *

><p>"S'up?" Puck opened the door to find Finn, with Ava wrapped around his leg, standing outside his door. A small pile of luggage sat next them, while Finn had a bright pink bag slung over his shoulder, along with a black bag and Ava had an exact replica of Backpack from <em>Dora the Explorer<em> on her back. "What's with all the luggage? Berry being a pain in the ass again and kick you out?"

"You didn't talk to Quinn did you?"

"She called before, but I didn't get to call her back." He looked down at Ava, who was staring up at him from her position as Finn's third leg, Minnie Mouse hanging from her hand. He stepped aside to let them in, watching with amusement as Finn walked woodenly in, encumbered by Ava but managing to roll a bright pink suitcase decorated with all the Disney Princesses on it behind him. "Hey, A."

Ava didn't answer, clinging tighter to her father's leg. Finn glanced down and sighed. "Can you get the stuff in the hall? She won't get off my leg."

"What's her problem?" Puck asked as he grabbed the suitcases outside the door.

"Nothing. She's just clingy today." He placed the bags on his shoulder onto the floor.

Puck eyed the black one suspiciously, noticing how it was moving. "Is that what I think it is? Did you bring _the Rat_ here?"

"Yup. You really should have called Quinn back."

"Why?"

"Remember how I said that I'm surprising Rachel with a weekend in Barbados since she just finished her latest manuscript? Ava was going to stay with my parents, but my mom just got the flu. Rachel's parents are in California visiting her uncle and Kurt's on a buyer's trip for Bergdorf's."

"So?"

"So Quinn said Ava and Vlad could stay here for the weekend."

"No shit? A, you're finally gonna hang with some cool people while Mommy and Daddy play hide the salami," Puck announced, looking down at Ava, who refused to relinquish her hold on Finn. "We can chill all weekend. I'll introduce you to some good shows, not that rabbit crap you've been watching."

"Try not to curse in front of her." Finn placed a large calendar on the counter pointing to it. "Are you ready to hear about her schedule?"

"What is she, thirty? What three-year-old has a schedule? Don't they just play?"

"Nope. Here's her schedule. Tomorrow she has pre-school from 9-11:30 and it's Rachel's turn to be class helper, so you'll have to take her place. The letter of the week is F and she needs to bring in something that starts with the letter F, so she's got her frying pan. Her teacher's name is Ms. Fiona and Ava will show you where the classroom is. Ok so far?"

Satisfied when Puck nodded, he again pointed to the calendar he'd propped up against the cabinet. "As you can see, she has ballet today at 4 and then tap tomorrow at 3:30. Don't let her wear her tap shoes until she gets there. She'll try and wear them, but don't let her or you'll go insane. She wears the black leotard and pink tights for tap, but the _pink_ leotard with the pink tutu and tights for ballet. Oh, and her hair needs to be pulled back for class, so you might want to have Quinn take care of that. All the stuff she needs for dance is in the Angelina Ballerina bag." He pointed to a bright pink bag with a picture of a dancing mouse on it. "Now Saturday mornings she has swim lessons at 9:30 and-"

"Whoa, wait a minute. _Letter of the week?_ _Tutus?_ Are you insane? Is there a word of the week? Because I can think of a word that starts with F," Puck stated, his head swimming with tutus and dancing mice. He glanced down at Ava, who was still firmly attached to her father's leg, her head resting against his knee

"Would you shut up and listen?" Finn snapped. "This is important. Now like I was saying, Saturday mornings she has swim lessons at 9:30 and you need to be in the pool with her, got that?"

"Yeah, real hard." He rolled his eyes for effect.

"Mike or Tina will be there as well, so it won't be that bad. Saturday afternoon is Violet's birthday party at _Jumpin' Jack's_. Ava needs to be there at one o'clock. Her present is in her suitcase and the invitation is in there as well."

"_Jumpin' Jack's_? That's all Q," Puck announced, holding up his hands. "I'll do the swimming lessons. I'll teach you how to do an awesome cannonball, A."

"Don't do that at the pool, you'll get us kicked out and Rachel will be _pissed_," Finn warned. "Besides, I already taught her that this summer at my parent's."

"Yeah, but you suck at it. I'll show her how to get everyone around her wet."

"Whatever. Just try not to get us banned from anywhere, and _don't_ curse while you're the class helper tomorrow. I've got all the numbers you'll need here." He held a paper up against the fridge, grabbing a magnet to hold it in place. "Rachel has listed the numbers for Ava's doctor and backup doctor, Vlad's vet, the cell number of my parents, her parents, the uncle they're staying with, Kurt, Blaine and the police, as well as the poison hotline and the phone number of the hotel we're staying at. Oh, and both Ava's and Vlad's allergies are listed."

"She goes to bed at eight?" Puck asked peering at the page. "Really A? That's when all the good TV starts."

"Eight o'clock," Finn said firmly. "She picked out all her favorite books to bring for you to read at bedtime, but she only gets one a night, no matter what she says. As for Vlad, he eats once in the morning and once in the evening and he'll need to go out as soon as he gets up and then definitely before he goes to bed. He normally sleeps on the bed with me and Rachel, so he'll probably want to sleep with you and Quinn."

"These two have more directions than a NFL playbook has plays. Anything else?"

"Rachel packed her Dora plate and utensils, along with a few sippy cups, plus some snacks and her cereal in that duffel bag there, along with Vlad's dog food and biscuits. In the bag next to it are her tub toys, shampoo, her princess toilet seat and stepping stool, plus her favorite Dora blanket."

"What about the kitchen sink? What bag is that in?"

"Funny, Puckerman. Her toys are in that bag, and Rachel is bringing over the rest. She should be here any minute. But other than that, I think that's about it. It's all here on the paper."

"You leaving your leg here, too?" Puck asked, looking down at Ava again, who'd still refused to let go of Finn's leg.

"She's been like this ever since she found out we were L-E-A-V-I-N-G," Finn replied, sighing as he reached down to detach Ava, who only clung harder to his leg. "She was ok when we were shopping before, but once we got home and picked up her stuff to bring over, she became super clingy."

"A, why you being like this? You know how awesome it is here, let go of Daddy's leg and I'll show you some cool stuff," Puck promised, bending down to Ava's level. Ava simply gripped Finn's leg harder, her head still leaning against his knee.

"Knock, knock," Rachel called as she pushed Ava's Cozy Coupe car into the apartment, loaded down with more bags plus her massive purse. The doorman followed behind, carrying Ava's Minnie chair. "Hello, Noah."

"Hey Berry." He eyed Rachel critically. "You stuffing your rack? It looks bigger."

"_Noah!"_

"Dude! Stop checking her out!"

"What? Either she's had a boob job or she's stuffing cause she _never_ fills out a shirt like that. So which is it, Berry?"

Rachel ignored him, turning to her daughter. "I brought your tea set and all your dress up clothes, Ava, as well as all of Vlad's toys."

"Good. That rat better not steal my stuff. That goes for you too, A."

"I can assure you that neither my daughter nor my dog has any interest in your _dolls_."

"For the last time, they're _action figures._ And they _were_ collectable. They're worthless now since the Rat chewed off Mario's head," Puck snapped, still upset at the injustice done to his Mario collection. Over by the door, Raoul was now bringing in Ava's shopping cart and her play barbeque.

"He feels very bad about that, I'm sure. Now, I know Finn gave you the Ava cliffnotes on that paper, but _everything_ you need to know is in this pink binder." She fished a pink binder out of her bag, liberally decorated with princess stickers and "_Ava" _spelled out in fancy curlicue stickers in the middle and held it up. "I've organized everything Ava for you, breaking it down by section. So if you have questions about her dance studio and what to wear when, it's listed under _Activities_, but Violet's birthday party will be under _Special Occasions_ and that's where you'll find the waiver for the party. Don't forget to bring it or Ava can't go in the bouncy room. Got it?"

Puck nodded, watching as Rachel pulled a white binder out of the same bag. Like Ava's binder, this one was decorated with stickers, although the stickers on this binder were dogs and bones while the masculine looking block letters in the middle spelled out "_Vlad_."

"Here's Vladimir's information. Again, I've split it into sections, so any questions about his sleeping habits, favorite toys, bathroom schedule or his eating habits can be found in here. You'll also find a key list of command words in Appendix E."

"Are they moving in? How long are you going to be gone for? A year?" Puck asked, watching as Raoul walked out the door only to come back in with Vlad's castle in one hand and Ava's car seat in the other.

Puck's words seemed to trigger something in Ava, because her face crumpled and the tears started falling as she gripped Finn's leg. "No, Daddy! Don't go!"

Finn sighed again. "You had to say that, Puck?"

"No Daddy! No!" Ava wailed as Finn pried her off his leg and picked her up. "You can play hide the salami with Mommy here!"

Rachel glared at Puck, whose shaking shoulders betrayed the fact that he was laughing as he hid behind Ava's calendar. "_Noah! _She's been here for ten minutes and she's already using your phrases?"

"I didn't say it _to_ her!"

"It doesn't matter, Noah. She-"

"_Rachel._ Focus," Finn snapped, comforting a still wailing Ava against his chest. "Shh, Ava. No more crying. I thought you were going to be my big girl, remember?"

"Daddy, don't go!"

Rachel immediately forgot about admonishing Puck as she turned her attention to her daughter. "Ava, look at Mommy."

"No." Ava clung to Finn harder, her face buried in his neck as she cried. Rachel exchanged a helpless look with Finn, unsure of what to do.

"Let me talk to her. You two stay here." Holding a still crying Ava close to his chest, he walked into the guest room where he assumed Ava would be sleeping.

"Shh, Ava, why are you crying?"

"I want to go home!" she wailed, ever the drama queen.

"But what about Vlad? He's going to be here all alone then. He'll be so lonely here without you, but he _will_ get to do all the fun stuff with Norma, so maybe he'll be ok."

Ava picked her head up, sniffling. "What fun stuff?"

"Well, he'll get to play that _awesome_ dancing game with Norma and Norma _loves_ to watch princess movies, so they'll probably do that too. I bet they'll even make cookies."

"Really?" Ava had recently discovered the joys of licking the bowl during baking, much to Finn's chagrin since that had always been his job pre-Ava.

"Actually, it'll probably be good if you're not there, since Vlad won't have to share the bowl and spatula with you," Finn mused aloud, playing on Ava's interest. "But if you _really _want to go home and miss all the fun, then you can go home."

"Norma's going to make cookies?"

"Norma _loves_ to make cookies. He even likes to wear an apron, just like you do," Finn assured her, trying not to grin at the thought. "He probably wears Aunt Quinn's pretty flowered one."

"Really?" Ava asked, knowing exactly which apron he meant, since she'd admired it before.

"I think he was just getting ready to make cookies, so Vlad arrived just in time."

"I want to make cookies," Ava announced.

"Then you've got to stay here. You can't use the stove, remember?" Finn pointed out, relieved that his plan was working.

Ava processed all this new information carefully before making her decision. "Ok, I'll stay. Vlad will be sad without me and Norma will cry."

Finn cuddled his daughter close to his chest. "There's my big girl. Let's go tell Mommy and Norma the good news."

He carried her back into the kitchen where Rachel and Puck were currently arguing over the Book of Ava.

"I don't understand what's so hard to comprehend, Noah. Things like using the shopping cart seat cover if you go food shopping will be listed under _Everyday Errands_, but her favorite foods and foods she hates are listed under _Preferences_."

"Did you list at exactly what temperature she likes her bathwater?" Noah asked sarcastically.

"It should be warm, but not too hot, ideally between 96 and 101 degrees Fahrenheit," Rachel responded seriously. "Her bath routine is listed under _Hygiene_. I_ told_ you, any questions you have can be answered with this book."

"Really? Does it explain why you're such a pain in the ass? Because I've been wondering that for a while."

"_Noah!"_

Finn cleared his throat, attempting to stop the argument he could see coming. It worked, since both Rachel and Puck turned at the noise. Rachel immediately came over, pulling Ava out of Finn's arms.

"How are you feeling, baby?" she cooed, glancing at Finn, who nodded. "Are you going to stay?"

Ava nodded. "I don't want Norma to cry."

_"What?"_

"In that case, Mommy and Daddy are going to go. We'll be back after you go to sleep four times, right?" Rachel commented, hugging Ava to her. She gave Ava a big kiss. "I'm going to miss you so much!"

"Bye Mommy," Ava responded, wiggling to get out of her grasp. Now that she was ok with staying, she was more than anxious to get on with the fun stuff she'd been promised.

Rachel refused to let her down, passing her off to Finn, who held her up in the air. "I'm gonna miss you, Ava-roo! Have fun with Norma." He brought Ava to his chest, whispering in her ear. "Don't forget to play the dancing game and make cookies, baby girl."

Ava nodded seriously, giving her father an Eskimo kiss before he passed her off to Puck. Quickly, before Ava could change her mind, Finn ushered Rachel out of the apartment, but not before hearing Ava's next comment.

_"I'm ready to make cookies, Norma."_

* * *

><p>Puck settled back into the couch, perfectly satisfied with his life at the moment. This whole babysitting thing was a <em>breeze<em>, other than the cookie thing. _That_ had been torture. Ava had insisted that he wear Quinn's flowered apron, while she wore a little pink apron with _Ava_ embroidered across the front and a matching chef's hat. Never having made cookies before, he'd been forced to call his mother for a recipe and had managed to get through using a creative string of expletives. Ava had expertly dumped everything in he'd measured, with the exception of the flour, which she'd dropped on the floor. He'd cleaned that up with another string of expletives while Ava dumped in new flour. Quinn had come home just as they were licking the spoons and spatulas. Her eyes had roamed over the disaster of a kitchen, noticing that both had flour and chocolate all over their faces.

_"What's going on here, guys?" Quinn asked, noticing the egg dripping down the cabinets._

_"We're making fucking cookies!" Ava announced excitedly._

That little slip aside, he was definitely making Ava cooler. He'd already gone over the elements of a fist bump with her, something he was surprised Finn hadn't taught her and she'd proved an excellent student in burping. He'd totally have her burping at least to the letter C by Sunday.

Yeah, he'd definitely earned this little respite.

Ava had been watching Quinn redo her make-up, fascinated, which left him free to watch some TV. He flipped through the channels, trying to decide if he wanted to watch _SportsCenter_ or _Sons of Anarchy._

He'd just settled on _SportsCenter_ when the sound of feet pounding, combined with the sound of spinning wheels interrupted his TV time. Ava came driving into the living room, her feet working furiously to power the purple Cozy Coupe as Vlad sat next to her on the seat, along for the ride. He laughed at the sight of the two of them sitting side by side, both tiny enough to share the seat.

"Look, Norma!" Ava exclaimed, parking her Cozy Coupe next to the couch Puck was occupying and honking her horn to get his attention. She twisted slightly, pulling something out of the storage area behind her. Excitedly she held up a DVD through the car window. "Look what I got!"

"_Tangled_? Who's in that?"

"Rapunzel!" Her voice held a '_duh'_ quality as she pointed to the princess on the cover.

"Oh, the chick with the hair? I remember her."

"You _know_ her?" Ava asked, impressed.

"She's a hot chick, of course I know her. Remember how I told you I dated Cinderella before Aunt Quinn?"

Ava nodded happily, bouncing up and down on her seat.

"Well I dated Rapunzel, too. We hung out all the time."

"Rapunzel can't leave her tower," Ava commented suspiciously, leaning slightly out her car window.

"Tell me about it. I always had to go to her place. Got to be really annoying, it's part of the reason why I dumped her."

"_Really_?"

"Yeah, all she ever wanted to do was comb her hair and her mom was a real pain, so I finally canned her." He stared at her incredulous face, trying not to laugh. "I can't believe she made a movie, maybe I shouldn't have dumped her so quick."

"I want to watch _Tangled_ Norma," Ava announced, holding out the DVD to him. "Mommy and Aunt Quinn took me to see it in the movies. They didn't tell me you know her."

"Yeah, well, Aunt Quinn gets very jealous of all my old girlfriends so she doesn't like to talk about it. Feel free to ask her. Tell you what. Why don't you drive into the kitchen and hit the drive-thru? Order some juice for you and a beer for me to go from Aunt Quinn and I'll put the movie on."

"I can't order _beer_, Norma!"

"Oh, right. You'll need ID. You got a driver's license? Fake ID?"

"No."

"Whoa, driving without a license. Make sure you don't get pulled over A, cause I'm not bailing your butt out of jail. Here, you can use mine as a fake ID." He fished his license out of his wallet, handing it through the car to her. "Show it to Aunt Quinn when you order the beer."

Ava nodded, backing her Cozy Coupe right into the recliner. Puck smirked as he watched her try to maneuver the car into the direction she wanted to go, finally managing to drive off. "I see you drive like your mother, too."

He could hear her honking her horn in the kitchen to get Quinn's attention, ordering the requested beverages as he popped the movie in. She drove back in a minute later, parking her Cozy Coupe next to where he was standing, hitting him in the legs as she parked. "I hit the drive-thru, Norma!"

"Awesome. Where's my beer?"

Ava backed her Cozy Coupe up and turned it slightly, allowing Puck to see the beer and sippy cup sitting in the cup holders behind her seat. Puck whistled as he plucked the beer out, placing it on top of the coffee table. "Damn. You've got more cup holders in your car than I do. Why don't you park your car over there and get on the couch?"

She'd just managed to park the Cozy Coupe where Puck suggested (only hitting the end table twice) when Quinn came in holding a bowl of popcorn and a large plastic frying pan, which she handed to Ava once she was settled on the couch with her juice.

"So what's with the frying pan?" Puck asked as he settled on the couch next to Ava, the plastic frying pan in her lap. Quinn was relaxing on the other couch, sharing it with Vlad.

"It's just like the one Rapunzel has," Ava explained happily, holding it up for inspection.

"It's nice. What's it for? Cooking?" Puck asked, not seeing what the big deal about it was or why Ava would want to bring it to pre-school.

"No."

"So what does she use it for then?"

"I can't tell you. Daddy says I'm not allowed to do it."

Puck waved a hand dismissively. "It's ok, Daddy's not here and you're supposed to listen to me, right? So I say you can do it."

"Ok." Ava stood up on the couch, bringing her arm back and whacking him in the face with the frying pan as hard as she could.

Puck reeled back, shocked at getting his clock cleaned by a three year old with a frying pan. Over on the other couch, Quinn was wiping her eyes, hysterically laughing. "Whoa! What the fuck was that for? I just asked what Rapunzel uses the frying pan for! You didn't have to hit me."

"That's what Rapunzel uses the frying pan for, Puck," Quinn gasped out between bursts of laughter as Ava sat back down next to Puck, sipping her juice. "It's for protection."

"Well she's clearly inherited Finn's strength. She keeps that frying pan and Finn won't have to worry about guys taking advantage of her," Puck commented, rubbing his face.

"Daddy's strong. He threw _Uncle Kurt_ in the pool," Ava announced as she sat back down, expecting Puck to be wowed by that statement.

"Considering Uncle Kurt weighs about ninety pounds soaking wet, that's not saying much. I once lifted _Daddy_," Puck retorted.

"_Really?"_ Ava stared, wide eyed.

"Yeah. See he'd been playing in the tub with his dinosaurs and he fell. Then he was showing Mommy his magic wand and he got hurt even _more_. I had to lift him out of the bathtub. That big butt of Daddy's is heavy."

Ava didn't answer, her eyes moving from Puck to the movie, which was just starting. Frying pan securely in her hand, she cuddled into him. He glanced down at her, smiling.

Yeah, a _total_ breeze.

* * *

><p>"Hold still, A!"<p>

"It_ hurts!_"

"Look, according to the fucking book, your hair has to be pulled back. Aunt Quinn is going to be back from her doctor's appointment any minute, so you need to be ready for ballet when she gets here. She'll kick my ass if you're not ready. You want her to do that?" He gathered her hair again, attempting to secure the elastic around it again. Between Ava squirming and him overstretching the elastic, he'd snapped four of them already.

"No."

"So _hold still_." He gritted his teeth, roughly gathering her hair into a ponytail. According to the book, it was supposed to be a bun, but screw that, he was having enough trouble with a simple ponytail. The fact that Ava wouldn't stop squirming wasn't helping either.

"There." Satisfied, he turned her around to look at his work. "Looks good to me."

"I want to see," Ava demanded, trying to climb off the bed.

Puck scooped her up, carrying her over to the mirror above the dresser. "What do you think? Looks awesome right?"

Ava examined her reflection critically. "I don't like it. Do it again."

"_What?_ I'm not doing it again. It looks fine."

"It has _bumps_, Norma." She stared at him in the mirror, her arms crossed, looking every inch the prima ballerina in her pink leotard and tutu.

"So?"

"I don't like the bumps. Do it again."

"No way! It looks fine!"

"It. Has. _Bumps._" Ava, prepared to launch into full tantrum to get her way, tried to reach up to pull out the elastic only to be stopped by Puck. She stepped it up a bit, starting to cry. "No Norma! No bumps!"

"I'm not doing it again. It looks fine, so stop crying."

"It has bumps!" Ava wailed, her face scrunching up as she cried.

"Look, I-"

"What is going on here? Why isn't she ready?" Quinn demanded, taking in the scene from the doorway. "Why is her hair all bumpy?"

"I _told_ you, Norma." Ava's tears immediately turned to a look of triumph at Quinn's words. Puck threw his hands up in the air as Quinn swiftly pulled out the elastic and made a perfect bumpless bun.

Quinn eyed her critically. "Ava, I think you put your leotard on backwards."

"Norma did it," Ava announced, more than ready to tell on him as revenge for the bumps.

"Why am I not surprised? Honestly, I'm surprised you can dress yourself," Quinn snapped, stripping Ava of her tutu and leotard and putting them on correctly.

"How was I supposed to know which side was the front?"

"Hmm, I don't know; common sense?" Quinn retorted, picking up the Angelina Ballerina bag as Ava put on her cowboy boots. "Ready, Ava? Oh, Puck, I have to meet a client at 5:30, so I'm going to drop Ava off here after ballet and then go."

He nodded, giving her a kiss goodbye. "Bye guys. Have fun at ballet."

"Come on!" Excited for ballet class, Ava dragged Quinn out the door.

_Thank God_ Quinn was home to take her to dance. There wasn't enough money to pay him to go there. Cherishing his forty-five minutes of peace, he made a beeline for his X-box, hoping Artie was online.

Fuck this world of leotards, buns and cookie making. He needed to shoot something and _fast._

* * *

><p>"<em>We're gonna do the monkey oh oh ah ah oh oh ah ahDo the monkey oh oh ah ah oh oh ah ah/Monkey, Monkey oh oh ah ah oh oh ah ah/That's alright."_

He was going to _kill_ Finn.

He should have known that something was up when Ava said she wanted to play video games when she'd come home from ballet. He'd eagerly headed into the living room behind Ava, who'd announced that she'd brought a _good _game, expecting to play a kid version of _COD_ or _Halo_. Instead, Ava had opened her _Backpack_ backpack and pulled out a game and a pink Wii controller, proudly holding up a copy of _Just Dance Kids_.

"_Whoa. What is that?" he asked, not bothering to hide his distaste at the game. "I thought you said you brought a **good** game."_

"_I played this at Violet's house, it's good," she replied happily. "Daddy bought it for me today." Expertly, she popped the disc out and ran over to the Wii console, taking out Puck's COD and putting her game in before she grabbed one of Puck's controllers off the table and handed it to him. "Here Norma. Let's dance!"_

"_Daddy bought it for you today?" he asked suspiciously as he synced up Ava's pink controller._

_Ava nodded as she waited for the game to load. "Daddy said it was a big girl game. He said you'd like to play it."_

"_Daddy said that, huh? Did Daddy also tell you that he really really wants to play this game with you first?"_

"_He said you'd say that," Ava announced, navigating to the song she wanted. "But he said it was ok if you play it first because you might cry if you didn't get to play."_

_Crap._

"_Come on, Norma! It's the Chicken Dance!" Happily, she started mimicking the chicken dancing on the screen, pausing when she saw that Puck wasn't dancing. She turned her eyes loose on him, causing him to sigh as he started doing the Chicken Dance._

As a result of him not being able to resist Ava's eyes, they'd done every horrible dance on there, dancing to such _awesome_ songs as the _ABC Song_, _The Wheels on the Bus_, and _The Monkey Dance_…twice. He'd tried not dancing, but Ava simply reprimanded him and tried to move his legs with her hands. Mercifully, _The_ _Monkey Dance_ ended and he put down his controller, sick of swinging his arms like a monkey and roaring like a tiger.

"Enough of this crap, Avs. How about some _Rock Band_?"

Ava stared at him, one hand on her hip clutching her pink Wii controller. "No. I want to do _The Monkey Dance _again."

"_Come on._ We've already done every song twice," he whined as inspiration struck him. "Don't you want to be a big girl? _Rock Band_ is for big girls, you know."

He could see Ava wavering as she considered this. "Really?"

"Totally. All the big girls I know play it. Even _Daddy _plays it, and he's a big girl, too," Puck couldn't resist adding, a smirk on his face.

"Daddy plays?"

"Not only does Daddy play, but I'll let you play the drums just like he does. Look." He pulled the drums out, making a big deal out of how each drum was color coded. He handed the drum sticks to Ava, letting her pound on them. "What do you think? You ready to play?"

"No. I want to do _The Monkey Dance._" She stepped away from the drums, ready to start dancing to _The Wiggles_ again. "Put on _The Monkey Dance_, Norma."

"Wait, how about this Avs. Weren't you just admiring Aunt Quinn's make-up? If you play _Rock Band_, you can wear make-up. It's part of the game, you know."

Ava's face lit up at the word make-up. He _so_ had her. "Really? I can wear make-up?"

"Totally. If we're gonna play classic rock, it's only appropriate. Come on." Eagerly, Ava ran into the bathroom ahead of him, lunging for Quinn's make-up bag. "Whoa, hold on Rugrat. We need to use the super special make-up for this."

He picked Ava up and placed her on the counter before reaching into the cabinet and pulling out the costume make-up he had left over from his Paul Stanley Halloween costume. Carefully, he started smearing white paint all over her face. "Since you're the drummer, you need to look like a cat, Avs."

"Am I going to look Lord Tubbington?" Ava asked excitedly.

"I hope not. That thing is evil," Puck replied, outlining a large area around each eye in black before filling it in, doing the same to her nose before drawing on her black whiskers. "Almost done. Just gotta add the white spot on your nose."

"How do I look?"

Puck studied her critically, trying to figure out what was missing. Inspired, he reached into Quinn's make-up bag, fishing out a tube of lipstick and painting Ava's little lips cherry red. He turned her around, letting her stand on the counter to see herself in the mirror, laughing when he saw how excited she got. "Now you look kickass A. Ready to play?"

"What about you? Don't you need make-up too?" Ava asked, turning her cat face to look at him.

"No, I don't need make-up. I always look kickass."

"But you can look like Vlad!" Ava insisted, unleashing her eyes on him. Even covered in _KISS _make-up, those eyes were pretty damn powerful and he felt himself wilting.

"Alright, but I'm not going to look like Vlad. The guitarist has a star on his face." Quickly, he covered his own face, letting Ava enthusiastically help him smear the white paint. "See it's all about the make-up. Aunt Quinn thinks _KISS_ is stupid, but she just doesn't get how badass it is, right Avs?"

Nodding, she watched in approval as he outlined a star around his right eye, reaching for the black tube in his hand when he started filling it in. "I can do it. I'm a _good_ colorer," she announced proudly.

"Fine, but let me do near the eye, ok? And try to stay in the lines."

Whoa. Wrong thing to say, because even in her _KISS _make-up, there was no mistaking the pissed off look on her face. If she'd been a real cat, her back would have been raised at his comment.

"I'm a _good_ colorer," she repeated stubbornly as she began coloring his face. He watched in the mirror, his hand constantly coming up to guide hers each time she went out of the lines. He took over, quickly filling in the area near his eye. Ava handed him the lipstick, watching as he ran the tube over his lips.

"How do I look?" he asked, puckering up his lips.

"Beautiful, Norma," Ava replied, giggling as he picked her up and carried her back into the living room. He popped in the game before he settled her in front of the drums on his lap, placing the drumsticks in her hand and turning on the game to lead her through a few practice songs.

"You know what? I think we should show Daddy how much better you are at the drums than him," Puck announced, moving her off his lap as he stood up and pulled out his cell phone. He waited until the next song began and Ava had started playing, attempting to match the colors on the screen to the corresponding drum as best she could before he started filming. He turned the camera towards the TV, letting Finn see the screen. "Hey Hudson. One afternoon with me and she's already more rock n roll. Check it out." He swung the camera around to face Ava, whose cat face was scrunched in concentration as she drummed. "Say hi to Daddy, Avs!"

Ava beamed at the phone. "Hi Daddy! I'm a kickass cat!"

Laughing, he sent the video off to Finn, fully expecting the phone to ring any second.

He wasn't disappointed. He'd just picked up his the guitar when his cell phone started vibrating at the same time the house phone started ringing. He grabbed the cell phone, opening the text message that had just come through.

**_Dude, that's fucking awesome but don't pick up your house phone. Rachel's pissed._**

Ignoring Finn's warning, he picked up the house phone. "S'up Berry?"

"Don't you s'up Berry me! Did I or did I not just hear my three year old daughter use the expression _kickass_?"

"Oh, I don't know. Let me ask her." Smirking at the screeching coming through the phone, he cupped his hand over the receiver. "Yo A, did you just say kickass?"

He waited until Ava nodded, before turning his attention back to Rachel. "She says she did."

"She's been with you for a few hours and you've already corrupted her! And why does she look like a member of an 80's hair band?" Rachel screeched. He held the phone away from his ear, trying to avoid going deaf.

"First of all, she's not corrupted. She's just more rock n roll. Second of all, we're playing _Rock Band. _She's a member of _KISS_, not a hair band," Puck explained, enjoying Rachel's misery more than he should. "Ask Finn, he'll tell you."

"_It's true babe. She's Peter Criss, the drummer."_

He smirked as he heard Finn's voice in the background confirming his statement. "Put Hudson on."

"Noah, that game is much too old for her. She can't play that," Rachel demanded.

"Fuck she can't. She's doing better than Finn."

"_What? That's bullshit!"_

He laughed as Finn's voice came through the phone. "It's true, Finn. Maybe you should try the make-up next time."

Ava stopped drumming at the mention of Finn's name. She climbed out from behind the drums, making her way into Puck's lap. "Is that Daddy? I want to talk to Daddy."

She lunged for the phone, causing Puck to duck out of the way. "Hold on Finn. There's a kickass cat who wants to talk to you." He handed the phone to Ava, who held it up to her ear excitedly, waiting for Finn to talk. Puck nudged her in the side. "You gotta say hello first, A."

"Hi, Daddy!"

"Hey, baby girl! Are you having fun with Norma?" Ava was holding the phone in such a way that Puck could easily hear Finn's voice coming through the phone.

"We're playing _Rock Band,_" she announced impressively. "It's only for big girls, like you."

Puck held back a laugh at her words, anticipating what was coming next.

"But I'm not a girl, Avs."

"Norma says you are."

"Don't listen to Norma. I'm a boy."

"But you _said_ I had to listen to Norma and be a good girl while you were gone," Ava pointed out. Puck didn't bother hiding his laughter as he heard Finn sigh.

"How about this? Don't listen to Norma when he tells you I'm a girl, ok? I'm a boy, Mommy can tell you."

"How does Mommy know?" Ava asked, making Puck laugh harder while Finn sputtered, trying to dig himself out of the hole he found himself in.

"So, uh, how was dance? Did you show Norma where to sit?"

"Norma gave me a fake ID!" Ava announced excitedly, completely distracted from her previous line of questioning. "I hit the drive-thru for beer!"

"_Like I'd expect any less of Noah_." Rachel's annoyed voice came floating through the phone, clearly listening to the conversation. She must have wrestled the phone from Finn, because her voice came in much clearer with her next statement. "Ava, Mommy has to go, but listen to me. Do _not_ say the word kickass again, ok?"

"Ok."

"Love you, baby."

"Bye, Mommy."

"Avs, put Norma on the phone again," Finn replied. "I'll talk to you tomorrow ok? Love you, Ava-roo."

"Bye Daddy!" Ava chirped, handing the phone back to Norma as she climbed off his lap. The sound of the front door opening and closing was heard, sending Ava and Vlad off to see who it was.

"Seriously, what are you trying to do to me?" Finn hissed once Puck got back on the phone.

"Where are you? You can't be in Barbados yet." He shifted the phone to his other ear, half listening to Ava telling Quinn what they were doing. "Where's Berry? I don't hear her bitching."

"We're in San Juan having dinner during our layover. She's in the bathroom all pissed off, so thank you for that."

"Hey, I did you a favor. Angry sex is fucking awesome," Puck defended. "You want me to rile her up even more?"

"_Please_ tell me my daughter's not sitting right there."

"Q just came home so she's following her around, telling her what we've been doing. Why didn't you tell me she came with that dumb game?"

"And that would be fun for me how? Since my three year old's vocabulary now includes the word kickass, consider us even."

"We're_ not_ even. Don't think I don't know that you sent her over here with that horrible video game on purpose. I had to do the fucking Monkey Dance _twice_ so I plan on Berry Blocking you every chance I get."

"Too late, dude." He could practically hear the smirk coming through the phone. "Rachel forgot something at home, which worked well for me."

"Just for that, Ava will be learning a new hand gesture."

"What? Puck don't-"

"Oops gotta go. Bye."

Ignoring the phone which had started ringing again, he headed off to the kitchen, where his kickass cat had traded in her drums for her apron as she helped with dinner.

"Yo A. When Daddy comes home, I want you do to _this_."

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: This is only part ONE of THREE...it was all supposed to be one chapter, but the ideas kept coming._**

**_Happy Thanksgiving!_**


	15. Say Yes To The Dress

_**Disclaimer: Glee is not mine :(**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Lily<strong>__**:**__**[Trying on wedding dresses]**__** "Oh, this dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night."**_

_**-How I Met Your Mother**_

* * *

><p>"What do you think of this one?" Rachel asked, shifting the laptop on her lap to show Finn the website she was looking at. "I like the room and the gardens seem pretty."<p>

He shrugged, peering at the pictures. "If you like it I'm sure it's fine."

"Finn! This is our wedding! It can't be _fine_! We really need to make a decision soon or we'll _never_ be able to get married!" Rachel chided, panicking at the thought.

"Baby, we've been engaged for like a week. I think we have time," Finn assured her, moving the laptop off her and pulling her into his own lap.

"It's been _23 days_, Finn. 23 days and I've done _nothing_," Rachel fretted, not being swayed by the kisses Finn was placing on her temple. "I'm so far behind!"

"We've been celebrating our engagement," he joked. "I wouldn't call that nothing."

Definitely the wrong thing to say since the glare she threw him could have melted an iceberg. "_Finn_. You simply can't comprehend how much there is to do. There's the hall, the flowers, the invitations, the dress, the color scheme. How many people are we having? Do I want my bridesmaids in all matching shoes? Will Noah shave his hair? What if he doesn't? What style of photography do we want? Personally, I like the candid, but I'd want the posed also. Maybe I should get both. Or maybe-"

"Rach, relax. We just decided on a month, didn't we? That's something." He stared at Rachel, expecting her to be assured by his statement, but her reaction was the exact opposite. She got up and stalked off to the kitchen, Finn in hot pursuit.

"All the more reason we need to get a move on!" she cried as she opened a cabinet. "What if the hall we like is completely booked for the month of April? What are we going to do then? We'd have to settle for something we didn't love! Kurt says-"

Finn, not particularly caring what Kurt had to say, silenced her ranting with a kiss. She immediately melted into him, her rant over. Knowing he'd successfully distracted her from her worries, he picked her up, carrying her over to the closest surface, which happened to be the kitchen table. Her lips never left his as he placed her on the table, translating her wedding fears into passionate kisses.

He grinned when she separated from him and pulled off her shirt. When he'd started this, he figured the most he'd get would be a make-out session but Rachel seemed to be in the mood to go all the way and well, who was he to say no? She immediately began pawing at his own shirt, pulling it up his body in an effort to get it off. He quickly removed it, along with Rachel's bra, throwing both the shirt and the bra carelessly on the floor as he kissed Rachel, his hands sliding up her legs to tug off her panties under her skirt. Her own hands immediately began working on his jeans, making quick work of the zipper and pushing his pants and boxers down to free him. Still kissing, he shifted slightly to let his jeans and boxers pool around his ankles as he pushed Rachel back on the table. He'd _just_ entered her and began moving when he heard the click of the front door opening and closing.

"Good news, Rachel! I pulled us some strings and got us an appointment at Berg-" Kurt announced as he walked in, wheeling a suitcase behind him. His voice trailed off when he took in the sight of his brother's bare ass thrusting rhythmically into Rachel in front of him, immediately shielding his eyes. He did it a moment too late however, since he got a view of Rachel that Puck would have _loved._

Finn turned his head slightly at the new voice and Rachel screamed; her arms wrapping around Finn to shield Kurt's view of her.

Kurt was now standing stock still, his eyes clamped tightly shut. "For the love of all that is bridal, _please_ tell me that what I think is happening on that table isn't happening! And at the spot I always eat at!"

"Dude! Don't you knock? What are you doing here?" Finn cried, attempting to bend down so he could pull up his pants, but unable to since Rachel refused to relinquish her hold on his neck. He gently pried her off of him, yanking up his pants as quick as he could. Whirling around to face Kurt, he put his arms out to block Rachel from Kurt's view. Rachel immediately wrapped her arms around him as she rested her head against his back, mortified at getting caught. "Get out!"

"I _told_ Rachel I was stopping over. We have important bridal business to discuss. Now stop giving me nightmares and go away so we can discuss it." Eyes still squeezed firmly shut, he tapped his foot impatiently, waiting to hear the sound of Finn moving.

"I can't exactly move, Kurt," Finn snapped. "Why don't you take your bridal business and-"

"Finn!" Rachel scolded from behind him, peeking over his shoulder. "Kurt could you just turn around?"

"Or just go away," Finn muttered, annoyed that as usual, Kurt had shown up at the worst possible time.

Kurt glared at him. "I assure you that had I known I was going to be walking in on a live porno, I would have called first. Why are you blocking her anyway? Rachel's breasts do nothing for me."

"Her breasts are amazing Kurt, but that's for me to know and no one else to find out," Finn snapped. "Now turn around!"

"Fine, but you better be disinfecting that table. I shudder to think of how many times I've eaten at that spot, blissfully unaware that it moonlights as a fornication destination."

"Kurt, just shut up and turn around." Finn waited until Kurt did as requested before stepping away from Rachel and handing her her bra. She put the bra on immediately, adjusting it for a second as Finn watched, torn between appreciating the view in front of him and being sad that she was putting clothes _on._

"You can turn around now, Kurt," Rachel announced, looking around for her shirt.

"_Rachel!_ You don't have a shirt on," Finn hissed, horrified that Kurt was getting to see what he enjoyed on a daily basis.

"Finn, Kurt's seen me in my bra before, as well as my panties," she replied as she shrugged. "It's no big deal. It's not like it's Noah."

"_What?_" Based on his reaction, it was fairly safe for Rachel and Kurt to assume this was news to Finn.

"What do you think happens when Rachel comes to Bergdorf's, Finn?" Kurt snapped; rolling his eyes at the glare Finn was giving him. "I can't measure her for clothes in a ski parka."

"Whoa, he sees you naked?" Finn exclaimed, his eyes narrowing at this revelation as well as the fact that she still didn't have her shirt on. He took care of that, grabbing her shirt off the floor and yanking it over Rachel's head.

"Of course not, Finny," Rachel assured him, pushing her arms through the holes and adjusting the shirt. She hopped off the table, coming to stand next to Finn, who'd just picked up her underwear off the floor.

"Don't be stupid Finn. She gets measured in her lingerie, the same way I measure Tina, Quinn and Brittany," Kurt retorted. "Now give Rachel back her underwear and get lost so we can talk bridal gowns."

Rachel's eyes lit up at the words _bridal gowns_ and she yanked her underwear out of Finn's hand before she gave his bare chest a kiss and pushed him towards the door. "Go away Finny."

"What! Why do I have to leave?" Finn demanded, pausing in the doorway. "Kurt walked in on us and _I_ have to leave?"

"Finn, do you realize that it's been 23 days and you two have done nothing but hump each other? I planned Dad and Carole's wedding, picked out a dress, coordinated the flowers, favors, and hall plus got them married, in _less_ than 23 days!"

"I really think you're making this a bigger deal than it is, Kurt. I remember how insane you got with our parent's wedding. You're not doing it with ours," Finn stated, rolling his eyes. "He almost beat the florist with a bouquet, Rach."

"They delivered the _wrong_ boutonnières, Finn. Now really, _go away._"

"Go play with Noah, baby," Rachel cooed, dying to talk bridal gowns. "You won't like this part of the planning."

"Yeah, we'll bring you back when it's time to taste the food," Kurt sniped, ready to get to what he considered his most important job as Best Man: making sure Rachel didn't pick a dress meant for a five year old and therefore embarrass him.

To their disappointment, Finn, determined to make Kurt pay for interrupting them, stomped over to the kitchen table and sat down, his arms crossed. "So what do we have to plan?"

Kurt gave Rachel a knowing look. "Well, if you insist on staying, Rachel and I were going to discuss fabrics. Perhaps you could help us." He pulled two fabric swatches out of his suitcase and held them up. "Which color do you like better?"

Finn peered at the seemingly identical pink swatches. "Those are nice. What are they for, Bridesmaid dresses?"

"_Finn!_ These are swatches for the tablecloths!" Rachel gasped as she sat at the table next to him.

"And they're not identical, they are completely different. This one is Bashful and this one is Chiffon Rose," Kurt added. "If you're going to refuse to use that pocket sized color swatch guide I gave you for Christmas several years ago, at least try to make an effort to see the different shades."

"They're pink," Finn said firmly. "And they're identical."

"Finny, didn't Noah just get a new video game? Why don't you go over there and you two can shoot each other?" Rachel persuaded. "Kurt and I will handle this."

"No Rachel, it's ok. Finn went to engagement boot camp, it's really only fitting that he goes to wedding dress boot camp with you. Every modern guy should be able to have an educated discussion on the differences between satin and duchess silk."

"I'm out of here," Finn announced, jumping out of his chair at the sight of the dreaded poster boards Kurt was innocently bringing into the kitchen. Hastily he put on his shirt, hightailing it out of the kitchen with a quick kiss on Rachel's lips.

"Where are you going, Finn?" Rachel called as Vlad jumped into her lap for some quality petting.

"Puck's." He hurried back into the kitchen, cell phone in hand, leaning down to give Rachel another kiss before he brought his lips to her ear. "Save yourself, baby."

"I'll be fine." She pecked his lips lightly, laughing as she watched him hurry out of the kitchen. The sound of the front door rapidly opening and closing was heard a minute later. "Nice move Kurt. He really believed you were going to have a boot camp."

"Well he's right. I am." Kurt pursed his lips in contemplation as he tried to figure out where to put his inspiration boards.

"Huh?"

"If you hadn't been so busy fornicating when I came in, you might have heard me say that I pulled some strings and got us an appointment at Bergdorf's for Friday."

"Bergdorf's!" Rachel squealed, cuddling Vlad to her chest as she bounced up and down in her chair at the thought of going to the bridal salon.

"Exactly. That's only two days away, which means boot camp starts now." He gave the table a disapproving glance. "I'm going to set up in the living room."

"What's wrong with right here?"

Kurt arched an eyebrow. "Are you insane? The _only_ way I will ever sit at this table again will be when a new one is in its place. And even then, I'll be bringing my disinfectant. I'm scarred for life now."

"Honestly Kurt, I think you're exaggerating. Like you've never done the same thing." Rachel followed him into the living room, Vlad still in her arms as she settled onto the couch. "I highly doubt you're scarred for life."

"Oh, really. Let me ask you this. Did _you_ see your brother's bare ass pounding into your best friend?"

"Finn _never_ pounds! He's a very gentle lover. It's more of a-"

Kurt put his hands over his ears. "I'm begging you to stop. On the list of things I _never_ want to hear, Finn's performance in the bedroom is up there with the announcement that puffy vests are back in fashion."

"But-"

"_No_. I didn't come here to hear about your sex life and I _definitely_ didn't come here to catch the live show. Now sit down, shut up and pay attention. I will _not_ have you embarrassing me at the bridal salon."

Rachel stared at Kurt in surprise, beginning to understand why Finn told her to save herself. "You were serious about boot camp?"

"I never kid about weddings. Now as I told Finn when he attended my Engagement Ring Boot Camp, what you need is preparation, which is why I have prepared what you see around you." He gestured with his pointer to the inspiration boards scattered around the room. "As you can see, I've made several inspiration boards to prepare us for the bridal salon."

"Are those boards laminated?" Rachel asked, peering at the closest one, which was titled _The Berry Body _and was covered with various pictures of her. Each picture had arrows and circles on it, illuminating various aspects of her body that would be factors in deciding the ideal silhouette for Rachel's wedding gown.

"Yes. I learned my lesson after your brute of a fiancée viciously ripped apart my board on diamond grading when I told him he couldn't have a snack because he failed his diamond styles quiz."

In spite of the situation at hand, Rachel laughed as she stroked Vlad. "Why am I not surprised?"

"In spite of that little incident, my boot camp paid off, since he did an excellent job choosing your ring," Kurt boasted, slapping his pointer against his leg as he spoke.

"He really did." Happily, she held out her left hand, admiring the ring for the thousandth time, Kurt doing the same. Both were mesmerized by the ring, watching as the light hit the stones in just the right way.

"Ok enough gawking. We've got a lot to get through. Ordinarily, I wouldn't bother with the absolute basics, but since you _still_ suffer from the delusion that animal sweaters and polka dots are the epitome of fashion, I have no other choice."

Rachel sighed. "Keep insulting my animal sweaters and I won't let you come with me to try on dresses."

Kurt's eyes narrowed. "You go without me and I tell Carole what I saw her precious Finny and the wonderful Rachel doing."

Rachel gasped. "You wouldn't."

"You underestimate me when it comes to fashion."

"Fine. What do I need to do?" Rachel asked sullenly, sinking into the couch cushions with Vlad.

"I'm glad you see it my way. Now pay attention. Let's start with your basic silhouettes. First we have the Mermaid…"

Rachel paid rapt attention, growing more and more excited with each silhouette. Unlike Finn, she aced the written test, which allowed her the privilege of getting to look through the various magazines Kurt had brought to look for potential dresses. She was even allowed to produce the pictures she'd printed out from the computer, getting Kurt's input. They'd happily called Carole and Hiram to invite them along, as well as Mercedes. After much discussion, it was decided that Carole would sleep over the night before to avoid having to take the train into the city during morning Rush Hour, while Hiram and Mercedes would meet them at Bergdorf's.

Finn came home several hours later, putting an end to the pleasant afternoon they'd had looking at dresses. He'd expected fighting and a lot of tears, but to his surprise, they were sitting side by side on the couch, Vlad in between them, whispering and giggling as they looked at magazines. The whispering and giggling immediately stopped as soon as they saw him, making him suspicious.

"How was boot camp?" he asked, smirking. "Pass your test?"

"As a matter of fact, Rachel got a hundred, unlike _some_ people who had to have a retake and even then only passed since it was graded on a large curve."

"You _failed_, Finny?" Rachel exclaimed, laughing. "You obviously didn't pay attention during class!"

"It was a hard test!"

"Hey, don't blame the test! It was perfectly fair, Finn, you just sucked," Kurt stated. "Rachel acing her test means she can go to Bergdorf's on Friday with me."

"She _has_ to go or you'd have no reason to go," Finn pointed out.

Kurt dismissed him with a wave of his hand. "Actually, I have to go _now_ since Blaine should be back from his boxing thing by now, but keep perusing for more styles like what we discussed. I'll be here Friday morning to help you pick out what to wear."

"Kurt, Rachel can dress herself. She's a grown woman."

"You'd think that, wouldn't you?" Kurt called over his shoulder as he walked to the door. "Nevertheless, I'll be here 8AM Friday morning. Try not to be fornicating when I arrive."

"So how was it really?" Finn asked, settling next to Rachel on the couch. She immediately snuggled into him, resting her head on his shoulder.

"I'm so excited to go on Friday. I've been waiting for this," Rachel babbled, full of excitement at the prospect of choosing her wedding dress.

"What, shopping with Kurt?" he teased. "You do that all the time."

"No, buying my dress," she replied, poking him in the chest. "It's the last thing I'll ever wear as a single woman."

"True. But it's the first thing I get to take off you as a married woman, so you better get an awesome dress."

"Don't worry about that, Finny. Kurt and I are totally on the same page about this. Shopping for an awesome dress is going to be a breeze. Your mom is coming tomorrow night so she can come with us Friday morning."

Finn smirked, knowing shopping for something as monumental as a wedding gown with Kurt was going to be anything _but_ a breeze. He'd be willing to bet that his mother was going to have to break up more than a few arguments and no way in hell would he want to be the poor salesperson stuck dealing with Kurt. Curiosity about how Kurt would behave made him almost wish he was going.

Almost, but not quite.

* * *

><p>"<em>You're not wearing that!"<em>

"_Kurt! What's wrong with my outfit? Finn gave me this dress!"_

"_You just answered your own question. Now take it off!"_

"Finn? What's going on?" Carole asked as she came into the kitchen, wrapping her robe around her. An already dressed for work Finn was sitting at the table, calmly reading the sports section while eating his Fruity Pebbles, ignoring the screaming coming from his bedroom. On the floor beside him, Vlad was crunching away at his own breakfast, his tail wagging happily when he saw Carole.

Finn rolled his eyes. "Kurt showed up here about 15 minutes ago. I'm sure you can guess the rest."

"_Rachel! How many times do I have to tell you? You need to wear lingerie that matches! I thought I made that clear last time I measured you when you wore polka dotted underwear with a floral bra!"_

"_This is the only strapless bra I have, Kurt! I can't help it if I don't have beige underwear to match!"_

Carole nodded knowingly as she opened the fridge and pulled out some eggs and milk. "You want some eggs, baby?"

"Do you even need to ask?"

Carole laughed as she popped some bread in the toaster and began scrambling the eggs in the pan. "I'm guessing you're not going anywhere near the bedroom?"

Finn looked up from the article he was reading. "Hell no. As soon as Kurt stormed into our bedroom, I grabbed what I needed and got out before he could critique my suit and tie. Rachel wasn't as quick. What time is your appointment?"

"9:30, if Kurt ever approves of her outfit. You'd think we were going to meet the Queen." She continued scrambling her eggs, adding the milk. "Get me a plate Finny."

Finn jumped up, grabbing two plates eagerly. Carole piled the eggs on each plate, adding the toast that had just popped up before. Quietly, they sat at the table, ignoring the screaming still resonating from the bedroom.

"_Rachel, you cannot wear an outfit that includes a yellow beret! That's gonna look great, a yellow beret and a white gown."_

"_I like it! There's nothing wrong with it!"_

Rachel stormed into the kitchen a few minutes later, wearing her fluffy bathrobe, Kurt on her heels. Knowing this could be problematic for him, Finn began shoving his eggs into his mouth as fast as he could, anxious to escape to work. "Finn, Kurt says that my wardrobe insults even the blind. Tell him that's not true."

"_Rachel_. With the exception of his work wardrobe, Finn's not much better, so even if he says it's not true, it doesn't mean much," Kurt replied airily, about to sit down at the table but remembering what he'd seen just in time. Carole gave him a strange look as he jumped away from the table, but said nothing, watching as he stood stock still in the middle of the kitchen.

"Kurt, Rachel's wardrobe is fine, and whatever she wants to wear to the bridal store is fine," Finn defended, swallowing his last mouthful of eggs.

Rachel, satisfied at Finn's answer, sat down in his lap, a smirk on her face as she glared at Kurt. "Thank you, baby."

"No problem." He patted Rachel's thighs, a signal for her move. While normally he loved Rachel in his lap, given the argument he could see coming, he was now more than a little anxious to get the hell out of here.

"You're going to work already?" Rachel asked, surprised but moving off his lap. "It's only 8:00."

"Yeah, uh, gotta talk to Artie about…stuff…uh…advertising stuff." He gave Rachel her customary kiss goodbye accompanied by an _I love you,_ trying to get out of there before she could question him. Turning to his mother, he gave her a kiss also, leaning down to whisper in her ear. "Try not to let them kill each other."

He gave Kurt a head rub as he passed, his voice loaded with warning as he spoke to his brother. "Kurt, let Rachel get the dress that _she_ wants, even if it's got dancing zebras on the front of it."

Kurt chose to ignore the warning, frantically fixing his hair.

Hoping this went well for Rachel, he gave her one last smile before he slipped out the door, just in time to hear the argument start up again.

"_Rachel. We only have one hour and fifteen minutes to find you something decent to wear. I won't be humiliated by your wardrobe at Bergdorf's."_

"_What does it matter? I'm the one who's going to be trying on dresses! My clothes will be in the dressing room!"_

"_They should be in the garbage!"_

He closed the door, drowning out their argument. Yeah, he was _definitely_ not sorry to be missing this shopping excursion.

* * *

><p>"Now Rachel, remember what we discussed," Kurt hissed as they sat in the opulent waiting room of the seventh floor bridal salon. "You want classic, romantic, something that won't overwhelm your body. You do <em>not<em> want bows or ruffles."

Rachel gave him her answer in the form of a glare, still annoyed that Kurt had deemed almost every piece of clothing in her closet unworthy of Bergdorf's. After much arguing and an ultimatum from Carole, he'd reluctantly agreed to let her wear a navy blue dress with white polka dots; although he drew the line at the penny loafers she usually wore with the dress.

Ignoring Kurt, she turned her head towards the door, her eyes lighting up when she saw her father walk in. "Daddy!" she squealed, jumping up to greet him.

"Princess!" Hiram swept her into a hug. "I'm so excited for this!"

"Me too. Kurt and I have been studying all sorts of pictures and looking at dresses nonstop," Rachel agreed as she led him over to the seating area where Kurt, Carole and Mercedes were already waiting. "We're just waiting for the consultant to come get us."

"I see." Hiram sat down next to Carole, excitedly talking about ideas for the wedding. Rachel resumed her place between Mercedes and Kurt, who immediately began quizzing her on dress styles.

"Rachel Berry?"

The little group looked towards a tall, older woman with shoulder length light brown hair standing nearby. The woman must have spotted their heads whipping in her direction because she immediately made her way over to the group. "Welcome to Bergdorf's. I'm Lucille, I'll be your consultant today. Who's the lucky bride?" Her head had been swiveling between Rachel and Mercedes, with an occasional glance at Carole, until Rachel stood up.

"I am," Rachel announced proudly.

"Congratulations! Who have you brought with you today?" Lucille smiled at the rest of the group, sizing them up.

"This is my Maid of Honor, Mercedes, my future brother-in-law, Kurt, my future mother-in-law, Carole and my father Hiram," Rachel replied, pointing to each of them in turn.

Kurt immediately stood up, holding one finger in the air. "Excuse me, Lucille, was it? I'm Kurt Hummel, Buyer for Bergdorf's, and I'm also Head of Personal Shopping. I made this appointment for Rachel and I was_ promised_ that Lana would be working with Rachel. Be a dear and go get her, please. As you can see from the Bride's apparel, we really don't have any time to waste."

"Lana's not available. She's not scheduled to be here until this afternoon, but if you want I can get my manager Charles for you."

Kurt narrowed his eyes at the mention of Lucille's manager. "Is that right?"

Lucille glanced around the group. "Alright, let's get started. Why don't you all follow me?"

Excitedly, the group followed Lucille into the main room, gasping when they saw the dresses lining the walls. Several brides were up on pedestals, eyeing themselves critically in the mirrors scattered around the room, while their family members sat on the ornate couches watching and tearing. Lucille led them past the main room and down a hallway, pausing at a door marked "_Lucille"_ in fancy writing. She ushered them in, waiting until they were all seated before she spoke.

"So let's talk. When are you getting married?"

"They're planning on April," Kurt cut in before Rachel could answer, barely able to contain his excitement.

Lucille gave Kurt an odd glance before turning back to Rachel, who glared at him. "I see. Have you tried on any dresses?"

"No. This'll be her first time, but she's well prepared, despite what she's wearing." Again, the answer was supplied by Kurt.

Rachel threw him another glare as she pulled a folder out of her purse, finally answering the question herself. "I brought pictures of dresses that I like. I hope you have them."

"This is Bergdorf's. If we don't have them, they're not worth trying on," she assured Rachel, flipping though the pictures.

"Those are just styles that she likes, we want to see some custom dresses also," Kurt announced, ignoring the warning hand Carole had placed on his arm.

Lucille glanced at him again, before turning back to Rachel. "Is there a price point you'd like to stay at?"

Rachel shifted uncomfortably, glancing at her father.

Hiram smiled at Rachel before answering the question. "Whatever Rachel wants is fine."

Kurt's eyes lit up at that, while Rachel's mouth dropped open. "Daddy, are you sure? You've already offered to pay for the entire wedding."

"Positive, Princess. Your father and I are only going to get to do this once."

Lucille smiled. "On that note, let's get started. Why don't I go get some dresses, while your family waits by the mirrors?"

Kurt frowned at this, clearly not expecting to be left out. "Rachel, I really think-"

He got no further, since Carole and Mercedes each grabbed him by the arm, leading him out of the dressing room despite his protests. Rachel waited until he'd left the room before she handed Lucille a few more pictures. "I'd like to see these dresses also. I think they're pretty, even if Kurt doesn't."

Lucille nodded knowingly. "Why don't you undress? There's a robe for you right there to put on while I get the dresses."

Rachel nodded as Lucille rushed out of the room, quickly undressing and putting on the robe Lucille had indicated. She pulled out her cell phone, smiling when she saw a text from Finn.

_**Pick out the dress YOU want, not Kurt. Just make sure I can get it off easy. :)**_

"Ok, Rachel. I got a mixture of the dresses you and Kurt liked and the ones you liked," Lucille announced as she came back in, her arms loaded down with dresses. Carefully, she hung them up on the wall rack, allowing Rachel to examine them. "Which one would you like to start with?"

"This one." Bursting with excitement, she indicated one of the dresses that was in her secret stash of pictures.

Carefully, Lucille helped her put on the dress, talking as she did so. "The ruched top of this dress is really understated, so that you can really appreciate the artistry of the skirt. Let me just do up the corset and then you'll get a really good idea of what it looks like."

Rachel stared at herself in the mirror, hardly believing she was trying on a wedding dress. Like Lucille said, the corset top of this ball gown was quite simple, the material pulling to one side. It was the bottom of this dress that made it remarkable. Starting at about mid thigh row after row of ruffle appeared, culminating in a semi-cathedral train of ruffles. A _very_ large ruffle rose was near her left knee.

"Well, what do you think?"

Rachel bit her lip. She really did like it, but she wasn't getting that feeling that everyone talked about, the one where she would know immediately that this was her dress. "I like it. I think it's really different."

"Do you want to want to show your family?"

Rachel nodded affirmatively, waiting until Lucille had picked up the train before she walked out of the dressing room and down the hall towards the main room. Her smile grew wide when she saw Carole, Mercedes and Hiram gasp when they saw her coming, while Kurt simply narrowed his eyes.

"What do you think?" Rachel asked nervously as she stood on the podium, staring at her entourage in the mirror. They stared at her for a moment, taking in the dress and not saying anything. If she had really loved this dress, their silence would have made her nervous, but since she knew this wasn't it, she wasn't too worried.

"Rachel, you look beautiful," Hiram finally announced, his eyes bursting with pride.

"You really do," Carole added. "Do you like it?"

"I do, but-"

"_Rachel!_ What is this? Where in my lectures did you somehow hear a ruffle explosion was ok?" Kurt hissed, coming to stand next to her on the podium.

"Kurt! Sit down!" Carole grabbed him firmly by the arm, pulling him back to the couch.

"It's her dress, if she wants a ruffle explosion, she can have it, even if she does look-" Mercedes paused her admonishment, embarrassed at almost letting her negative opinion slip.

"It's ok Mer, I like this dress, but I know it's not it," Rachel assured her.

"Oh, thank God," Kurt murmured, placing a hand on his chest. Rachel glared at him as she stepped off the platform. "Put on one of the ones that we picked out Rachel."

Ignoring Kurt's request, she chose to put on another one that she had secretly picked out. The corseted pleated organza bodice of this dress was very flattering for her figure, as was the embellished black belt that highlighted her tiny waist. Layers of frills cascaded from her lower hip to the floor, creating a full skirt.

She gasped when she saw her reflection, loving the way it looked. Eagerly she led the way out to her group, hoping they loved this dress as much as she did. She still didn't think this was _it_, but it was definitely a contender.

"What do you think?" she demanded, as she walked to the pedestal, a smile on her face.

Again, she was met with silence. A silence which this time made her slightly nervous.

"You look beautiful, Rachel," Carole replied, not willing to ruin Rachel's mood with what she really thought of the dress.

"You really do," Mercedes added, Hiram nodding in agreement.

"But do you like the dress? Do you think Finn would like the dress?" Rachel asked nervously, examining herself critically in the mirror.

"No, because you look like the feather duster from _Beauty and the Beast_," Kurt said flatly, crossing his arms. "What are you doing? This is _not_ what we discussed."

"_Kurt_!"

Rachel's face fell at his words. "I like this dress, Kurt. I really do. I don't think it's _the dress_ but it's a strong contender."

Ignoring her, Kurt turned to the consultant, his legs now crossed and his head resting lightly on two fingers. "Have you been working here long? Perhaps we should switch to a more experienced consultant."

"Excuse me?" Lucille seemed confused as she stared at Rachel, whose mouth had dropped open.

"I merely ask because you are _clearly_ putting Rachel in the wrong silhouette. Of the two dresses she's tried on, one was ornate and this one has a drop waist. _Look_ at Rachel. She's got the body of a ten year old boy."

"Kurt!" Carole gasped. "What is wrong with you?"

"As a consultant, it's my job to help the bride find the ideal dress. These were dresses that _Rachel _specifically asked to try on. Right now, we're trying to get a feel for what-"

Kurt held up a hand to stop the consultant. "Let me stop you right there. You're working with someone who frequently wears a sweater with some sort of animal activity on it. She has no clue what she's looking for, as evidenced by the fact that she's managed to find the two worst dresses for her body type."

"But-"

"Listen to me. I know what I'm talking about. When I worked the floor in Personal Shopping, I routinely grossed over 80,000 a year, all because my clients trusted my fashion opinion."

"Kurt, I-" Rachel tried to cut in, Carole doing the same from the couch.

"Is there a problem, here?"

All heads turned to locate the source of the crisp British accent. An impeccably dressed man was standing nearby, surveying the scene. His dark hair was carefully styled to appear messy, while square frames accented his handsome features. His dark suit contrasted nicely with his blue dress shirt, his tie a slightly lighter shade of blue, matching his pocketsquare perfectly.

The man's eyes scanned the group, frowning when they landed on Kurt. "Hummel. To what do we owe the pleasure of this visit? Have you _finally_ completely destroyed the fourth floor and want to see how a successful floor is run?" he asked, not bothering to hide the sarcasm and iciness of voice.

"Bennett." Kurt's voice was just as icy. "I assumed you'd be at the Sales Goal breakfast this morning. Oh wait, what am I thinking, that's for managers that actually _make_ their sales goals."

Lucille cleared her throat uncomfortably, breaking the tension that had begun to coat the room. The man turned his attention to Rachel, who was still standing on the pedestal, her eyes watching the two men with interest.

"I think it's safe to say you're the blushing bride," he commented, taking her hand and kissing the back of it, his voice now silky smooth. "I'm Charles Bennett, Head of Bridal here at Bergdorf's. And who might you be?"

"She might be Rachel Berry, _my_ soon to be Sister-in-Law," Kurt snapped, standing up to stand next to Rachel. "This might be _my_ mother Carole, Rachel's father Hiram and our friend Mercedes."

Charles' eyes lit up at Kurt's words. "You're marrying Finn? I used to dress him back when Kurt and I worked in Personal Shopping together. You're a lucky girl."

Rachel smiled. "I think-"

"Aren't you using the word work a little liberally? I'd hardly call you what you did _work_," Kurt commented icily. "The _only_ time you made an effort was when my brother came in for suits."

Charles glared at Kurt from behind his glasses. "Well Rachel, if you're marrying Finn, we need to make sure you look smashing. Why don't I pull some dresses for you to try on?"

Once again Rachel smiled. "That would be-"

"Why don't you run along?" Kurt asked. "Lucille and I have it under control, so you can go back to pretending to look busy in your office. I know how good you are at that."

"Oh, I couldn't do that. If I left it up to you, poor Rachel here would be wearing a couture dress from last season. We can't a Bergdorf Bride looking unfashionable."

Kurt arched an eyebrow. "Really? You're going to go there when you're wearing the Prada suit that was featured in their Spring _2009_ collection?"

Lucille, who like Rachel, Carole, Hiram, and Mercedes, had been watching this exchange as if it was a tennis match, cleared her throat loudly. "Rachel, why don't we get you out of this dress and into the next one?"

"Actually, Lucille, could we have a minute?" Rachel asked, looking at Kurt, who was glowering at Charles.

"Of course. Why don't I go pull a few more dresses?" Lucille said smoothly. "Perhaps Charles could help?"

"Right. I'll pull a few spectacular choices. You really need to work in bridal to understand the fashion, you know," Charles replied, getting in another dig at Kurt before he walked away, Lucille just behind him.

"What was _that_?" Rachel demanded as soon as they were out of earshot.

"_That_ was my sworn arch nemesis, Charles Bennett," Kurt declared, sitting back on the couch next to Carole. He scooted over to let Rachel sit next to him, the gown billowing over his legs.

"And why would he be your sworn arch nemesis?" Carole asked, more than used to Kurt's dramatics.

"We worked in Personal Shopping together. He seemed to think that because he worked in Personal Shopping at Harvey Nichols in London that it meant he didn't need to work here, unless the client was a celebrity or someone he _wanted_ to know. I never saw him lunge for a tape measure as fast as he did when Finn came in."

"So because he was lazy and had a crush on Finn, he's your sworn arch nemesis?" Rachel asked, amused. "Shouldn't he be mine then?"

"There's more to it," Kurt snapped. "I consistently outsold him, which drove him crazy. When Blaine and I went to Hawaii for two weeks, he tried poaching my clients. Fortunately, I had a very dedicated clientele who alerted me. Then when I got promoted to Head of Personal Shopping, he was insanely jealous and constantly tried to undermine me since he felt _he_ should have gotten the promotion. He couldn't stand the fact that I was now a Buyer and going on Buyer's trips."

"So it all worked out then. You both got promotions, if he's in bridal now," Mercedes pointed out.

"He's in bridal because_ I_ got him transferred there; a fact which has added to his hatred, since _everyone_ knows that at Bergdorf's, bridal is where fashion careers go to die. It's not their money maker, Personal Shopping is. How he managed to become Head of Bridal, I'll never know. He should be glad I didn't transfer him to Sportswear."

"We could go to another salon," Rachel offered somewhat reluctantly. She'd been looking forward to trying on dresses and now that she had a taste of it, she wasn't ready to stop.

"No, we're here and you're not going to find a better selection of couture anywhere else." He adjusted the part of his hair for a second before continuing. "When I made the appointment, I purposely picked Friday because I assumed he'd be taking Friday off like he _always_ does. It figures he's here today. You'd better go take off that feather duster before he spreads it around Bergdorf's that I picked that dress for you."

Rachel glared at him as she stood up, gathering her dress in her hands. "Mer, why don't you help me back to the dressing room?"

Mercedes nodded, grabbing Rachel's train and helping her back to the dressing room.

"You better play nice with him for Rachel's sake, Kurt," Carole warned as soon as Rachel was out of earshot. "This isn't about you and your vendetta, this is Rachel's day."

Kurt sighed, resting his head against two fingers of the hand that was now resting on the arm of the chair, crossing his legs. "You're right. I can suffer being in his presence for Rachel's sake. She'll _never_ be able to pick a dress without me."

"That's another thing. It's Rachel's day, if she likes the dress, there's nothing you can do about it."

Kurt arched an eyebrow at his mother, not bothering to lift his head from its perch. "You can't be serious. She looked like a _feather duster_."

"If she wants to look like a feather duster, that's her choice, _not_ yours."

"But-"

Carole held up a finger. "No buts. It's her decision."

"Fine," Kurt huffed, settling back into the couch cushions, ready to pout at this injustice. Not that he planned on holding his tongue or anything. It may be Rachel's day, but it's _his_ reputation.

And he'd be _damned_ if his fashion reputation got ruined.

* * *

><p>"Oh, <em>Rachel.<em> You look amazing," Kurt breathed, circling the pedestal. Since Lucille was nowhere to be found, Mercedes had helped Rachel put on one of Kurt's choices, a strapless slim fit A-line gown. The gown, from its scalloped neckline to its hem was covered in lace, with small bursts of sequins and beading scattered throughout the dress. Around Rachel's waist was a gold satin ribbon adorned with a bejeweled brooch.

Rachel eyed herself critically in the mirror, trying to decide how she felt about the dress and more importantly, how _Finn_ would like the dress. "I don't know. It reminds me of the gown I wore to the Gala, the night we got into that fight."

"Rachel, it's completely different. This is _Alençon_ lace with a scalloped edging. That dress had _Belgian _lace and a sweetheart neckline. It's like comparing apples and oranges."

Rachel frowned, not really seeing the difference. The Gala dress held a lot of good memories like realizing she loved Finn, but it also held two day's worth of tears, along with the reminder that she'd once slapped Finn, all images she didn't need to remind Finn of on their wedding day. "I don't think I like it. I just keep seeing Finn getting hit with a shoe in my mind as I look at myself."

"I'd want to hit whoever put me in that dress with a shoe," Charles announced, coming back into the room. "Lace is _so_ two seasons ago."

"Says the person who's wearing last year's suit style," Kurt snapped. "Rachel _wants_ lace."

"Well, I'm open to other styles, Kurt," Rachel interrupted, not wanting to start an argument again. "I want to try all different styles."

"Fabulous! Why don't you take a seat, Hummel and leave it to the bridal experts," Charles announced, clapping his hands before gesturing to another employee, who was bearing a tray of Champagne. "I brought Champagne for the Father of the Bride and the lovely, _lovely_ Mother of the Groom. I can see where Finn gets his good looks from."

Kurt, torn between angry at the insult and being repulsed by the sucking up, settled for angry, narrowing his eyes. "What experts? Lucille isn't in the room."

"There's that _droll _sense of humor I remember so well from Personal Shopping. Come Rachel; let's let Hummel entertain your lovely mother-in-law on the couch. He's used to sitting around watching people try on clothes. That's the epitome of Personal Shopping."

Kurt was prevented from answering by Carole, who placed a very firm arm on Kurt in warning as Rachel was led out by Charles.

Rachel returned a few minutes later wearing a dress of Charles' choosing. The simple flowing chiffon dressed was cinched in between her breasts with a crystal beaded brooch. The straps of the dress were beaded also, adding an old Hollywood feeling to the dress.

"Here we are! Wearing a _fabulous_ creation by the amazing Monique Lhuillier." He helped Rachel onto the pedestal, gesturing as he spoke. "Now as you can see, this is a very avant-garde chiffon gown. While the front is very simple and flowing, it still has glamour by the additions of this large brooch between her breasts and the glamorous jeweled straps. It's the back of this dress that makes it incredible." He handed Rachel a mirror, allowing her to see the back of the dress. "Rather than come down her shoulders, the jeweled strap go _across_ her shoulders, culminating in a V shape and creating a jeweled collar across her shoulderblades, while white chiffon drapes down her shoulders, forming a cape held together by a brooch, which can be detached. Isn't it _fabulous_?"

Kurt jumped up, pleased to see that Rachel hadn't come in with as big of a smile that she had previously. "It is fabulous, if Rachel was accepting an Oscar. This is her _wedding_. That incredibly low cut back would be very inappropriate. Right Rachel?"

Rachel smiled uneasily. "I feel like the front reminds me of a nightgown. I'd really like to try-"

"What would you know about dressing for the Oscars? There's only one of us in this room who's dressed a celebrity for the Oscars and it _isn't_ you," Charles retorted.

Lucille returned at that moment, her arms filled with dresses. "Oh, Rachel. I didn't realize Charles put you in another dress."

"Yes, it's almost like Charles has _poached_ Rachel from you, isn't it?" Kurt commented casually, earning a glare from Carole on the couch and a silent directive to join her. He obeyed, sitting sullenly next to his mother.

"What do you think, Carole?" Rachel asked, biting her lip.

"If you feel like you're wearing a nightgown, then it's not the dress for you, honey. It doesn't matter what I think," Carole said gently, secretly agreeing with Kurt. "Maybe you and _Lucille_ should go back and see what she brought for you."

Rachel nodded. "I agree. The one Lucille has in her arms looks pretty."

Charles cast a condescending look at the dress. "You can't be serious. That's completely-"

"Charles, Kurt tells me you were responsible for Finny's suits. They look so wonderful on him, you did a fantastic job," Carole said quickly, attempting to distract Charles.

Charles beamed, completely missing Rachel sneaking off the pedestal and heading to the dressing room with Lucille. "Well, he has such an easy body for dressing. He often resisted my dressing him in vests, but he just looks fabulous in them. Kurt always dressed him in standard suits, but I wasn't afraid to take risks with him. He has the body to pull anything off."

"If you understood Finn, you'd know that standard suits are what he prefers," Kurt snapped, annoyed that Rachel was off trying another dress and he was stuck on the couch with his mother firmly holding his arm.

"Well his suits are lovely. Finn always looks so well dressed," Hiram offered, trying to make peace.

"I'm sure it's a comfort to know that one son is taken care of fashion wise," Charles said sympathetically, offering a reassuring pat to Carole's hand.

The hold Carole had on Kurt tightened significantly at that comment. Mercedes however, was completely unencumbered and rallied to Kurt's defense. "Look here, Hugh Grant. _Nobody_ is more fashionable than my man Kurt."

"It's ok, Mercedes. Charles has never gotten over the fact that my department has _consistently_ been the highest grossing department, while Bridal has languished near the bottom," Kurt replied, examining his nails in a bored manner. "Although I thank you for the compliment."

"Ok, here comes Rachel!" Lucille announced loudly. Rachel stepped onto the pedestal wearing a dress very similar to the dress worn by Kate Middleton, along with an unhappy look on her face.

"Princess, what's the matter?" Hiram asked immediately.

"I want to try-"

"What's the matter is that she looks smashing in the dress made famous by a Princess," Charles declared happily. "This dress is amazing on you, which is why I picked it out. I think this is it."

"It goes so well with the unhappy look on her face, don't you think?" Kurt asked snidely. "I imagine that's the look that was always worn by your clients when you were in Personal Shopping."

"Your brother was _always_ satisfied," Charles announced smugly.

"That doesn't mean much. You could have dressed Finn in a paper bag and he would have been happy since it meant he was done shopping."

"Versace, Burberry, _shut up._ Rachel, what's the problem?" Mercedes questioned, trying to avoid having to listen to Kurt and Charles bicker.

"I don't like this dress. I want-"

"I _knew _it. I knew he couldn't pick a dress for you," Kurt cut in triumphantly. "Rachel, stick with what we discussed. One of the dresses I picked will be it."

Rachel stomped off towards the dressing room, Lucille in tow as Kurt and Charles immediately began their bickering. Carole exchanged a worried look with Hiram, still holding onto Kurt.

Finn had proven to be a prophet when he told Carole to try not to let them kill each other, he was just wrong about who _they_ were.

* * *

><p>With each dress Rachel tried on, the bickering of Kurt and Charles grew, making her dread going out there to show them the dress. If she tried on one Kurt liked, Charles hated it and vice versa. If she tried on one <em>she <em>liked, they both hated it but then sniped at each other over _why_ it was so horrible. Lucille was trying to please all of them, without much success.

Fresh from rejecting yet another dress, Rachel sank onto the chair in the fitting room, unsure of what to do while Lucille went off to get more dresses. She had about three that she really liked and thought Finn would like, but she wasn't getting that feeling everyone spoke about. She eyed each of them, wondering if she should try them on again just as her cell phone rang. Still staring at them, she fished her phone out of her bag, smiling as _Going to the Chapel_ played, which meant Finn was calling.

"Hello?"

"Baby, what's wrong?" Finn asked immediately, knowing from the despondent way she'd answered that dress shopping was not going well.

"I can't find a dress, Kurt won't stop fighting with Charles, and I'm just going to have to wear a bedsheet!" Rachel wailed dramatically.

"Well I wouldn't mind that," Finn commented, underestimating the gravity of the situation and unwisely cracking a joke. "And who the hell is Charles?"

"Finn! This is serious! The three dresses that I like I've been told make me look like a feather duster, a roll of toilet paper and a cake topper," Rachel said sadly. "If I can't find a dress, it's going to ruin everything! The dress sets the tone for the decor! Charles is Kurt's arch enemy. Apparently he used to dress you in Personal Shopping."

Finn shrugged, mentally cursing Kurt for ruining this for Rachel. "Don't remember him. I try to get in and out of there as quick as possible, but babe, just ignore them and pick what you like. It really doesn't matter what they think."

"Yes it does! I don't want people at our reception whispering that I look like a roll of toilet paper!"

"Shouldn't it matter what I think more? And honestly, Rachel, if you wrapped yourself in a roll of toilet paper, you'd still be insanely hot. If you want to wear toilet paper, well then we'll just get married in our bathroom ok?"

Rachel laughed. "I guess you're right."

"I know I'm right. Now I have to go to a meeting with Mike, but have fun ok? Love you."

"Bye Finny, love you too." Reluctantly, Rachel hung up the phone, wishing he could talk her through this. She frowned as a knock sounded on the dressing room door. Tentatively, she opened the door, hoping it wasn't Charles, very relieved to see that it was Carole. She held the door open, letting her into the dressing room. The sounds of Kurt and Charles arguing could still be heard.

_"How is it possible that you were named Head of Bridal? You couldn't even keep track of your own accounts in Personal Shopping!"_

_"Well unlike you, they thought I had potential to revamp a whole new department."_

"How are you doing?" Carole asked, pulling Rachel in for a hug.

Rachel rested her head against Carole. "This isn't fun anymore. I hate what they pick, they hate what I pick, and the three dresses that I do like, I really don't think are it."

"Rachel, look at me." She waited until Rachel had picked her head up before continuing. "This is _your_ day, not Kurt's and definitely not Charles'. All that matters is you and Finn and I know for a fact that he would marry you even if you looked like a feather duster."

Rachel gave a small laugh, wiping her eyes. "You think so?"

"I know so. Now, I left your father to referee the two fashion babies out there, but I wanted you to see this. You don't have to try it on if you don't want to, but I thought it looked pretty." She opened the door, letting Mercedes, her arms full of gown in. Shyly, Carole held out the gown. "I know I'm not the fashion expert here, but it seemed like something you would like."

"Kurt and Charles were inspecting and arguing over the dresses Lucille just pulled, so Carole and I decided to dress hunt on our own and we found this one. Do you want to try it on?"

Rachel nodded eagerly, taking off her bathrobe. Carefully, Carole and Mercedes helped lower the strapless ball gown over her head, zipping up the back of the dress once it was in place. Carole rolled the back of it, using one of the dress clips to make the too big dress fit tightly on Rachel. All three gasped when they saw Rachel's reflection in the mirror.

"Go get Daddy," Rachel directed, not taking her eyes off her reflection. Mercedes hurried off, anxious to have Hiram see Rachel.

This was it, she knew it. The sweetheart neckline of the ball gown was beaded with silver, sparkling when the light hit it. Just under the beading, the bodice was decorated with a pattern of crystals that flared out over her hips, gradually tapering out. The hemline of the dress repeated the same pattern as the bodice using larger crystals, reminding Rachel for some reason of the Palace of Versailles. Behind Rachel, a semi-cathedral train flowed out from under the low cut back of the dress. The dress made her feel like a princess, which was exactly how she wanted to feel on her wedding day.

Her eyes found Carole's, who was holding a tissue to her face, one hand resting on Rachel's shoulder. "Oh, Rachel…"

"This is it, Carole," she said excitedly, her eyes sparkling. She picked up the sheer overlay of the ball gown, examining the beading on the hemline.

Mercedes slipped back in after a few minutes, Hiram just behind her. "They didn't even notice Hiram left, they're arguing over whether Rachel should be looking at satin or taffeta."

Hiram's eyes grew watery when he saw Rachel. "Oh, Princess! You look beautiful."

Rachel smiled. "This is the dress I'm going to get married in, Daddy."

"You look incredible. Finn is going to flip when he sees you," Mercedes announced, just as Lucille came in, her arms loaded down with dresses.

"Good news, Rachel. Charles and Kurt gave me lots of new options to-" her voice trailed off as she took in the scene in front of her. "I don't think you'll be needing these dresses. I think you've found your dress."

Rachel smiled happily, picturing Finn's reaction to the dress. "I have, Lucille, no thanks to the fashionistas out there."

"Could we see a veil?" Hiram asked. "And would you happen to have a bouquet?"

"And try to avoid the fighting fashionistas, please," Rachel added, still staring at herself in the mirror. Lucille nodded as she opened the door, letting the current argument drift in.

_"Excuse me? You think I poached your clients? They willingly came with me."_

_"Like they would go with you! That's like going from Dior to Sears!"_

She returned fairly quickly with a tiara and veil, along with a bouquet. "Now you'll get the full effect. There's many different head pieces you can choose from, but this'll give you an idea." She placed the tiara and veil on Rachel, handing her the bouquet. "There. You're officially a Bergdorf's Bride."

Together, they all stared at the mirror, unable to take their eyes off of Rachel in the dress. Mercedes finally broke the trance they were all in, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot.

"So, uh, who's going to break the news to Kurt?"

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: So, yeah, this idea just totally took hold of me, but I hear the wheels of a Cozy Coupe rapidly coming my way :)**_

_**If anyone wants to see Rachel's dress, which was quite hard to describe, it's Eve of milady, style E26.**_


	16. Super Bowl Insanity

**_Disclaimer: I own nothing about Glee, except for a calendar_**

* * *

><p><em><strong>Being pregnant was the healthiest I've ever been in my life. Except for the cupcakes.<strong>__**  
><strong>__**Ashlee Simpson**_

* * *

><p>"So I went to the doctor today," Tina announced, pausing her walking and watching as her puppy, a Beagle named Claudia, sniffed the base of a garbage can and promptly peed on it. She tugged on the leash a little, trying to get her dog away from the garbage can.<p>

"And?" Rachel asked, stopping her own walking as well as Vlad's. Not to be outdone, Vlad immediately followed the Beagle, peeing on the same spot followed by a quick sniff of Claudia's butt. "_Vladimir_!"

"Nothing. There's no change whatsoever," she said glumly, placing a gloved hand on her protruding stomach. "No effacing, no dilating, _nothing._"

"I'm sure it will all happen soon," Rachel assured her. "The book says you should be eating spicy food. Did you try that?"

"Rachel, I was due January 29th. I'm almost a week late. I've tried _everything_. I made Mike go get me Mexican food when he went to get me my Carvel last night and all it did was give me heartburn. I even went to an acupressure place." She rubbed her stomach. "I've finally found a bigger Momma's boy than Mike because this little boy is _not_ coming out."

"He will when he's ready. How about we walk two miles today?" Rachel suggested. "I put Vlad's extra warm coat on him, so he'll be ok in the cold if we walk more. We just have to hope we don't run into Kurt."

Tina laughed as they began to walk again, Vlad and Claudia strolling on either side of them. "I still can't believe Finn bought that."

Rachel joined her giggling. "Kurt was so furious when we showed up at Burt and Carole's for Christmas and Vlad was wearing the coat, especially since Finn told him he'd stopped in at Bergdorf's with Vlad after he bought the coat."

To combat the cold New York winters, Rachel had decided that Vlad needed a sweater or a coat, to which Kurt had readily agreed, compiling a list of possible (designer) choices. He and Rachel had hemmed and hawed over the choices, until Finn, sick of the debate and not wanting the little guy to get cold, took matters into his own hands and bought a simple plaid fleece lined dog jacket and matching hat for Vlad.

Rachel had approved, but Kurt pitched a fit upon seeing it Christmas Eve, since the brown plaid Finn had chosen looked like a knockoff of the famous Burberry pattern. Once Finn realized this, he made sure to put the coat on Vlad every time he knew he'd be seeing Kurt, which only made him more furious. Fortunately for Kurt, Vlad drew the line at wearing the matching hat.

"So how are _you_ feeling?" Tina asked. "You should be able to find out what the baby is soon."

"My morning sickness isn't gone, and smells are still getting to me. The book says I should be done with morning sickness by now and I'm not. Should I call the doctor? I should probably call the doctor," Rachel fretted, giving the leash a tug to avoid Vlad getting run over by a jogger.

"I had morning sickness until I was 17 weeks. You're only 15 weeks pregnant," Tina pointed out, assuaging her fears. "Same with the smells."

"Really? Maybe I'll wait then." She exhaled, relieved. "I made Finn throw out his after shave because the smell made me gag yesterday."

Tina laughed. "Sounds familiar. So what have you been craving?"

"Finn may have had to make me chocolate chip cookies last night." Rachel looked guilty for a second. "I felt bad, since he had to go out and buy the dough but I ate two and then threw up. But other than last night, I really haven't had any cravings."

"Don't worry, it'll go away and then you'll be sending him out in the middle of the night for something crazy and feel no guilt at all. Mike knows not to come home without my Carvel now." She paused, stopping to untangle Claudia, who'd ducked under Vlad's leash to inspect a stick, tangling the two leashes. "I guess this is the last week I have an excuse to have the ice cream every day. If I don't go into labor on my own by Sunday, I'm getting induced on Monday."

"Are you still coming over for Finn's football party on Sunday?" Rachel asked, picking up Vlad to help untangle the leashes. She waited until Tina separated the leashes before putting the Chihuahua back on the ground, smiling as he darted over to sniff the same stick Claudia had just been examining.

"Are you kidding? The Giants are in the Super Bowl, you really think Mike would be anywhere else? I think he'll kill me if I go into labor that day." She rolled her eyes. "He's planning on wearing his jersey to annoy Puck and Finn and he came home yesterday with a shirt for me to wear."

"Great," Rachel commented sarcastically. "That should go over well. At least I'll get a semi Super Bowl free night tonight."

"What's tonight?"

"Carole's birthday. Kurt always throws a fancy dinner party for her at his apartment and he's certainly not going to allow Super Bowl talk at the table. He's going to be so furious when he sees our present, since it totally will trump his, no matter what it is," she said smugly.

"Don't tell me that you're involved in this insane competition Kurt and Finn have over Carole's presents." Tina tugged on Claudia's leash, trying to get the puppy to stop sniffing a stray soda bottle and start walking again.

"I'm simply trying to give Carole a present," Rachel commented, still smirking. "I can't help it if a framed sonogram photo will help my husband beat his brother's present."

"Liar." Tina laughed, placing a hand on her belly. "Let's keep walking. Maybe it'll encourage this little guy to _get out_." She directed the last words at her belly. "Get out, get out, get out!"

"Done being pregnant?" Rachel asked amused. "I have to say, other than the morning sickness, I'm enjoying it."

"Speak to me when you're the size of a house and your hands and feet are swollen. I can't even wear my wedding ring anymore," Tina commented darkly. "Then we'll see how much you're enjoying it."

"I'm sure it'll be fine," Rachel predicted. "I haven't even had any mood swings. This'll be a breeze."

* * *

><p>"So Tina still hasn't had any signs of labor and she's already a week late," Rachel fretted, gripping Finn's hand as they waited to cross the street. "She's done everything she can think of to start labor and he's <em>still<em> not ready to come out."

"Really? You can start labor?"

"_Finn._ Haven't you been reading the baby books I gave you?" she reprimanded as the traffic slowed and they crossed, ignoring the _Don't Walk_ sign still flashing. "She's already eaten spicy food, had tons of sex and even gotten acupressure. We've even increased our daily walk around the park to two miles and still nothing."

"Sex starts labor?" he asked, picking up on that one detail.

"Well according to the book, it only works if you're effaced, which Tina is not. Remember that for when I'm due, Finn."

"So if Baby Us isn't ready to come out come July 23 that means we have to have sex night and day once you're effaced?" he questioned, having no idea what effaced meant but more than ready to do his part and have sex with her if she was. He glanced down at Rachel, who'd stopped walking. "Babe, why'd you stop?"

"I want a pretzel," she announced, pointing to a nearby street vendor and inhaling the smell. On the leash beside her, Vlad's nose was up in the air, doing the the same.

"Baby, we're a block from Kurt's apartment. Can't you wait until we get there? I'm sure Kurt's got all sorts of fancy appetizers ready," Finn promised. "He's going to be furious if you show up with a pretzel."

"I _want _a pretzel and so does Baby Us," Rachel pouted, already dragging Finn over to the vendor. She smiled at the vendor as she placed her order. "We'd like a pretzel please. Oh, and a hot dog with onions."

"A hot dog?" Shocked, Finn looked up from his wallet as the vendor handed her the hot dog. "Rachel, you're going to eat a street vendor hot dog?"

She nodded happily, already taking a large bite out of the hot dog. Pre-pregnancy, she'd rather die than eat a hot dog from a street vendor, but now all bets were off.

Still shocked, Finn paid for the food, watching in disbelief as his petite wife downed the hot dog and eagerly reached for the pretzel, quickly tearing off a piece and putting it in her mouth as they resumed walking. "Good pretzel?"

"Mmm-hmm." Still chewing, she looked up at him beaming.

"Give me a piece." He reached for the pretzel in her hand, surprised when she jerked her hand away.

"Finny, no!"

"I can't have any?" he pouted, making a grab for the pretzel again. "I bought it."

"You bought it for me and the baby. We're already sharing, so there's really no pretzel left for you," Rachel explained, popping another piece of pretzel in her mouth. "Besides, I know your definition of piece. You'll take the whole thing."

"Fine. We're here anyway." Placing a hand on the small of her back, he led her through the door being held open for them by Kurt's doorman. "Hey George."

"Hello George!" Rachel called out between bites as Finn led her to the elevator.

George smiled at them, his gaze immediately searching Rachel's body for any sign of a bump. "Hello, Hudsons. Kurt says you're starting to show, you must be excited."

Rachel beamed proudly. "I am. It's hard to see under this poncho though."

Finn stared at her in surprise as he pressed the elevator button. Not one hour ago, he'd found her in the bathroom crying because the book said her bump could be bloating and not baby. He'd made the mistake of laughing at her which caused her to go from upset to angry in approximately five seconds flat and he'd found himself having to duck a bottle of soap being thrown his way. Yet when George comments about having a bump, she's thrilled.

They waved goodbye to George when the elevator arrived, stepping in and riding up to Kurt and Blaine's apartment on the 21st floor, letting themselves in.

"Well it's about time. I've been waiting to serve the appetiz- _What_ is that?" Kurt demanded in greeting as he eyed the half eaten pretzel in Rachel's hand, who was currently greeting Carole and Burt.

"A pretzel," she replied happily, unbuttoning her poncho and handing it to Blaine. All eyes in the room immediately went to the bump protruding under her dress. Trying to ignore the stares, she tore off another piece of pretzel and settled into an armchair. "Finn bought it for me."

"_What?_" Kurt stared at his brother in annoyance. "Why would you do that? I've prepared several different appetizers."

"She wanted it." He shrugged, smiling at his wife, who was munching away.

"And what is _that _doing here?" he went on, pointing to Vlad, who'd already jumped into Carole's lap still wearing the coat Kurt despised so much. "That coat has been banned from my presence."

"Oh, was it? I must've forgotten," Finn said innocently, settling onto the couch next to Burt.

Kurt's eyes narrowed. "You _know_ knockoffs aren't allowed within 500 feet of me. Get that out of this apartment _now_."

"Kurt, it's my birthday. Don't ruin it by having a designer tantrum," Carole instructed before turning to her other son. "And you; don't rile him up. I don't need a repeat of Christmas Eve."

Kurt huffed and stalked off to the kitchen, giving Rachel and her pretzel one last glare. He returned momentarily, bearing a tray of various cheeses in one hand and a plate of bacon wrapped scallops in the other. Burt trailed behind, holding another tray. "For those of you who _didn't_ bring their own food, I've prepared a lovely spread of soft cheeses, as well as a seafood appetizer. Dad's bringing out the Pâté."

"Oh! Cheese!" Rachel squealed before a frown suddenly appeared on her face. She reached for her massive purse on the floor, pulling out the book that had been permanently attached to her hand for the past 15 weeks, _What to Expect When You're Expecting._ She rifled through it for a moment, until she found what she wanted. "Kurt, what cheeses are on that plate?"

"Brie, Camembert and Roquefort," Kurt replied. "Why?"

"The book says I can't eat those because of possible Listeria bacteria," she said sadly, eyeing the cheese.

"So then have some Pâté or some scallops," he offered, holding out the plate of Pâté.

She nodded negatively. "I can't eat Pâté either for the same reason, according to the book."

Kurt frowned, beginning to hate that book. He held out the plate of scallops. "What about the scallops?"

She shook her head, her face suddenly queasy. "Get it away from me."

"You could have just said you didn't want any," Kurt huffed. "You don't have to be so mean."

Rachel didn't respond, placing a hand over her mouth as she jumped off the couch and ran to the bathroom.

Finn, knowing immediately what the problem was, glared at Kurt. "Dude! Get those out of here; the smell must be making her sick. Throw them out or something."

"I spent _hours_ making these Finn. I even went to that special fish market in Chinatown! I'm _not_ throwing them out," Kurt retorted, placing the plate back on the table.

"Fine." Not wanting Rachel to get anymore sick and upset, Finn grabbed the plate and started shoving the scallops in his mouth. Burt managed to grab a few off the plate for himself and Carole while Finn chewed as fast as he could, trying to make room for more.

"_Finn!_" Kurt cried, incensed at his brother's behavior. "What are you doing, you Oaf?"

Finn mumbled an incoherent response, his mouth stuffed to the gills with the scallops just as Rachel came back in, looking slightly pale.

"I'm sorry, Kurt. The smell of the bacon got to me," she apologized as she sat back down and picked up the book again, prepared to read more.

"Well you don't have to worry about it anymore since your husband just shoved an entire plateful of scallops into his mouth," Kurt snapped, still furious at the injustice done to his beautiful appetizer.

"Thank you, baby." She blew him a kiss, not wanting to get too close to his bacon filled mouth. "I really- _oh_!"

"What?" Finn asked in alarm. "Is it the baby?"

She looked up at him with fearful eyes. "I ate a hot dog, Finn. A _hot dog."_

"So?" He stared at her in confusion as she burst out crying.

"I'm not supposed to eat hot dogs because of bacteria!" she wailed. "I've just poisoned Baby Us!"

Finn was at her side in an instant, letting her cry on his shoulder. "Shh, Rachel. I'm sure you didn't poison the baby."

"I did! I know I did!" she sobbed. "I'm going to be a horrible mother!"

Finn glanced helplessly at his mother, unsure of what to say. Carole seemed to understand, because she came over to sit on Rachel's other side.

"Rachel. You only had one hot dog. It's fine," Carole assured her. Rachel picked her head up off of Finn's shoulder to look at her.

"Are you sure? How do you know?"

Carole bit her tongue, not bothering to point out that she was a nurse or that she'd given birth to the man currently holding Rachel. "Why don't you call your doctor for reassurance?"

Rachel brightened at this. "Give me your phone, Finn."

He handed over his phone. "You need the number?"

"No, I programmed it into both our phones a month ago. It's speed dial 4 Finn." Anxiously, she dialed, waiting to speak to the doctor on call. Finn stroked her arms, listening as she hurriedly explained that she'd accidentally poisoned the baby with a hot dog and questioned the need for a visit to the ER.

She hung up after a few minutes, visibly relaxed and looking a little embarrassed. "Good news. The doctor says one hot dog is ok. I didn't poison Baby Us."

"See?" Finn pulled her into a hug. "And you're going to be an amazing mom."

Rachel broke away and looked longingly at the cheese platter again. "I'd really like some cheese. Do you have any Velveeta?"

"That processed crap? Of course I don't have it," Kurt sniffed, highly offended that his cheese platter was being rejected.

Rachel frowned. "Are you sure? I could really go for some."

"I think we have some Cheddar in the fridge," Blaine offered. "Will that work?"

"No. I really want Velveeta." She turned to Finn. "Finny? Can you go get me some?"

"Are you serious?" he asked, already knowing the answer but hoping he could talk her out of it. "If the smell of bacon makes you sick, Velveeta might too."

"No it won't," she replied firmly. "_Please_, Finny?"

He sighed, already getting off the chair before she could unleash her eyes on him and get him to go to Italy for her cheese. "I'll be back."

"Thank you Finny!" Happily, she popped the last of the pretzel in her mouth, smiling at him as he grabbed his coat and walked out the door.

Carole, who'd been watching this scene in amusement, now focused her attention solely on her daughter-in-law. "So Rachel, I'm guessing the cravings have started?"

"Not really. I haven't really had any yet," she announced proudly. "I haven't even really had any mood swings either."

Carole exchanged looks of amusement with Burt, Blaine and Kurt. "Oh, well I'm sure they'll start soon. When I was pregnant with Finn, I _had_ to have Oreos every day. I think that's why he likes them so much." She laughed. "Lord help Christopher if he ate any of my Oreos."

"I remember those days. Kurt's mother Laura was constantly sending me out late at night for all sorts of crazy things," Burt added, laughing at the memories.

"Mike always has to get Tina ice cream, but so far, Finn's been lucky," Rachel replied, placing a hand on her stomach. The fact that Finn was currently out buying her cheese seemed to slip her mind as she rubbed her stomach softly.

"No baby yet for them?" Carole asked, stroking her granddog.

"Not yet. She'll be induced on Monday if nothing changes." She smiled at the sight of Vlad on his back, getting a belly rub from his favorite person. "Tina's afraid that the baby is going to be huge since he's been in there so long."

"Huge was my Finny. He was one week _early_ and still weighed 8 lbs 14 oz. Of course, he was also 22 inches long. He was the biggest baby in the nursery," Carole announced, noticing Rachel paling at her words. "Rachel, are you ok?"

"He was almost _nine pounds_?" she asked worriedly, placing her hands on her stomach. "That's not going to fit in here!"

"Don't worry Rachel, that baby is half yours. Between the two of you, the baby should even out to a normal size," Kurt assured her, snickering at the idea.

Rachel didn't say anything, rubbing her belly thoughtfully. She hoped Kurt was right and that their respective genes would even each other out because there was _no way_ a 22 inch baby was going to fit inside her. The thought of trying to push out a nine pound baby made her queasy again and she ran to the bathroom, Carole right behind her.

Burt, Blaine and Kurt watched them go, looks of sympathy on their faces. Each had the same thought in their head: _Thank God_ they were men.

* * *

><p>"Come on dude, it's freezing out here," Finn whined, urging Vlad to pick a spot to pee on. The Chihuahua was unaffected by his pleas, continuing to carefully screen each potential spot. "I told Mommy you didn't need to pee, but she insisted."<p>

He looked up at their apartment building more than slightly jealous that Rachel was in their apartment, nice and warm. She'd waited until Finn was just about to get into his pajamas before announcing that Vlad needed to go bye-byes one more time. "Come on, I have a huge meeting in the morning, which incidentally is the reason why your quality time with Grandma got cut short. Well that and the fact that Mommy was a little crazy."

He'd returned to the party with her Velveeta cheese, only to find that she'd wanted the _block_ of cheese not the slices like he'd bought. Apparently, _everybody_ knows that the slices have a different taste to them and he'd been forced to go back to the store.

His stupid cheese run had made him miss the present opening, although Rachel had assured him that the framed sonogram picture totally blew Kurt's stupid spa day gift right out of the water. Not that he'd been there to see it, but according to Rachel, his mom had teared up as she fingered the little black and white picture through the glass, noting with excitement that the frame had two slots, one for the sonogram and one for when the baby was born. Rachel had smartly filled that spot in with a piece of paper that read _Arriving July 23rd._

To his delight, Vlad finally did his business and he grabbed the Chihuahua, more than ready to run inside to his warm bed.

"Ray? We're back!" Finn unclipped Vlad from his leash and stripped him of his coat, hanging up his coat and the leash in the hallway, along with his own coat. He picked up the Chihuahua, letting him lick his face for a minute before putting him back down. Vlad took off in the direction of their bedroom, so he headed that way too, assuming Rachel was in there getting ready for bed. "Babe? You in here?"

Hearing noises coming from the closet, he made his way over to it, only to find Rachel sitting on the floor of the closet, dressed in a bathrobe and sobbing into a pair of her pants. "Rachel, baby what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

"These are the pants I wanted to wear to the party tonight," she sobbed, holding them up for him to see.

"So? They look nice to me. Wear them no matter what Kurt says," he suggested, unwisely assuming that was the problem.

"Of course they look nice. They're a _size 2_," she moaned.

"Exactly and you look amazing in those size 2 pants," he said soothingly, which only made her cry harder. "Baby, what's the problem?"

"I can't fit into the pants!" She held the pants up to her face, still sobbing.

He couldn't help but burst out laughing at her dramatics, waiting for her to join him.

Big mistake.

Her head snapped up at the sound of his laughter and there was no mistaking the fury in her eyes. "Are you _laughing_?"

He shifted nervously from foot to foot. "Sorry Rach, but-"

She stared at him, her voice steely. "I can't fit into my pants because of _you_ and you're _laughing_?"

"Me? What do I have to do with it?" he blurted out, confused by the tone of her voice.

Even bigger mistake.

"Are you serious? You did _not_ just ask me what you have to do with it!" she screeched, throwing a shoe at him as he backed out of the doorway. She followed him, her finger poking him in the chest. "_You _were the one who got so turned on by my Halloween costume that we were over three hours late to Mike and Tina's party. _You_ were the one who ripped the costume off of me. And _you _were the one who couldn't keep his giant sperm to himself that night!"

"Giant sperm?" He bit the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing. Rachel may have missed with her first shoe, but he knew from past experience that it was very unlikely that she'd miss again.

"Yes, giant sperm. Your mother told me you were an 8lb 14 oz baby. I'm only 15 weeks and showing big time! Thanks to you and your giant genes, I'm going to look like a whale by next week!" She resumed sobbing into her pants as she sat on the bed.

Very cautiously, he sat down on the bed next to her, his mind still reeling from the fact that she went from sad to angry back to sad in the span of thirty seconds. She couldn't have been _too_ mad at him since she stopped sobbing into the pants and threw her arms around him, burying her face in his neck. His hands rubbed up and down her back soothingly, not quite sure of what course to take. "Baby, you not fitting into your pants is a good thing, isn't it? It means the baby is growing in there. What does the book say?"

Definitely the right thing to say, since she loved nothing more than to read the book to him, telling him how big the baby was and what was going in terms of the baby's development.

Eagerly, she reached for her purse on the chair, pulling out her book and leaned against Finn, who was now propped up against the headboard. Quickly, she opened to the Week 15 section, reading aloud from the book. "_Whether you were barely able to gain an ounce during the first trimester (thanks to all that toilet hugging) or you gained more ounces — and pounds — than you care to admit (courtesy of all those comforting carbs your queasy self was overloading on), it's weight-gain time now. Starting in the second trimester, your baby's getting bigger and bigger — and consequently, you should be too. Make slow and steady your motto and aim for a weekly weight gain of about one pound. But keep in mind that's an average-"_

"See? I told you it was a good thing. Now, you haven't told me what the size of our baby is this week," he commented, hoping to distract her from her weight gain worries. "Last week it was a clenched fist, so what is it this week?"

She smiled, finding a more comfortable position against Finn. "The book says this week the baby is the size of an orange. Oh! Baby Us now has ears almost in the right spot and can wiggle fingers and toes. Isn't that exciting?"

"Very exciting." Relieved that he'd successfully distracted her, he placed a kiss against her temple. "Whose ears do you think Baby Us has?"

"Hmm. I don't know. My ears are smaller, but if the baby got giant genes if would be better off with your ears."

"You keep mentioning my giant genes. What if the baby got your dwarf genes?" he teased, slipping a hand under her robe to caress her bump lovingly.

"Well given the fact that I'm clearly showing already, I'd say the baby has giant genes," she decided as she climbed off the bed. "I have to pee again."

He watched her go, using the time to get into his pajamas and get under the covers. She came out a few minutes later and walked over to the bureau. Always a fan of Rachel changing in front of him, Finn watched from the bed, eagerly anticipating the removal of the bra. To his surprise and disappointment, the bra stayed on as she plucked one of his t-shirts from his drawer and slipped it over her head. "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to get some nachos. Do you want any?"

"_What?" _He stared at her in surprise, watching as she ran a comb through her hair and pulled it into a ponytail.

"I said, I'm going to get some nachos from the Caliente Cab and I asked if you wanted any."

"Rachel, it's 12:00 at night and I've got a huge meeting in the morning," he reasoned. "Come to bed and forget about it."

"I can't. The baby and I were watching _Rachael Ray_ this morning and she was making Super Bowl recipes. Then when I went shopping, I saw an ad for nachos at the Caliente Cab on the side of a bus. They looked so good, I've been thinking about them all day." She stepped over to her bureau, pulling out a pair of yoga pants to go under his shirt. Quickly, she walked over to his side of the bed, placing a kiss on his forehead. "You just go to bed. The baby and I will go."

"You're _not_ going to get nachos at the Caliente Cab now. That's all the way down in Greenwich Village! Be reasonable," he argued, turning off the TV to stare at his wife, who was now putting on her sneakers.

"I _am_ being reasonable. I said you didn't have to go." She finished putting on her sneakers and stood up, looking for her purse. "I'll be back before you know it, thanks to the subway. Have you seen my purse?"

"Are you insane?" he demanded. "There's no way I am letting you go on the subway all the way down to the Village at midnight by yourself."

"Fine. I'll take a cab." Determined to get her nachos, she started to make her way out of the bedroom. "Maybe you won't think I'm so insane then."

Sighing, Finn jumped out of bed after her. "Baby wait."

Rachel whirled around, annoyance written on her face. "What Finn? What could you possibly want from an insane pregnant woman?"

"Well first of all, this." He pulled her towards him, kissing her lips lightly. "And this." He got down on his knees, lifting his shirt she was wearing to place a kiss on her baby bump. His hands pulled her shirt back down as he stood back up. "And second of all, you stay here. I'll go get you your nachos."

"With hot sauce," Rachel said immediately, already kicking her shoes off and ridding herself of the yoga pants to climb into bed.

"With hot sauce," he repeated, reaching for his keys and wallet on the bureau. He glanced back at the bed, staring longingly at Rachel, who was now snuggled under the blankets cuddling Vlad. "Anything else?"

"No, just don't forget the hot sauce," she directed, her fingers stroking the Chihuahua as she stared at her husband. "And hurry."

He nodded, hardly believing that he was heading out into the snow to get _nachos. _Fortunately, he managed to get a cab relatively quickly and he was back in the apartment within 45 minutes.

"Babe? Here's your nachos!" he called into the apartment as he opened the door. He was greeted almost immediately by the sound of pounding feet and paws heading his way. Eagerly, Rachel grabbed the bag from him and raced to the kitchen. She settled happily at the table, pouring the hot sauce on and digging into her food.

"I guess it's good?" he asked, watching in amusement as she inhaled the food.

"Mmm-hmm." She smiled at him, her mouth full.

"I'm going to bed." He placed a kiss on her forehead, grazing his fingers across her back lightly. "Come to bed when you're done."

He'd been in bed for about ten minutes when he felt the bed shift and Rachel press against his back. He turned his head slightly when he felt her start placing kisses along his neck. "What's this?"

"Have I told you how much I love you?" She continued her kissing, letting her hand slip into his pants to caress his hip.

"Baby, it's after 1AM and I have a _huge_ meeting tomorrow morning at 7:30 with Aaron Puckerman," he replied, ignoring the hand that was most definitely _not_ on his hip anymore. "I'm exhausted."

"Can't I just kiss my husband?" she asked coyly, biting his shoulder lightly.

"Rachel, I know what you're up to and as much as it kills me to say it, I really need to go to sleep," he told her, hardly believing that he was actually saying the words. Once he'd gotten over his fear of poking the baby, he'd been more than willing to cater to Rachel's significantly increased sex drive, letting her have it wherever and whenever she wanted it, but having to get out of a warm bed to trudge through the snow for nachos kind of killed his libido. "I really do have an early meeting."

"It's a good thing I penciled myself in for late night on your schedule then." The hand in his pants began stroking him lightly and he could feel himself start to harden.

"No Rach, I really need to sleep and so do you." He turned onto his back, which Rachel took for an assent and quickly removed her shirt. All thoughts of exhaustion and early morning meetings were immediately eviscerated when his eyes roamed over his topless wife's chest. Immediately, he sat up against the headboard. "Baby, are your boobs _bigger_?"

She nodded, looking at her chest as she squeezed them together, which made Finn's eyes go even wider. "The book says they'll be growing throughout my pregnancy."

"_Really_?" he asked, his eyes never leaving her breasts. "Can I touch them?"

He drew his gaze from her new and improved breasts as she hesitated, biting her lip. To his extreme disappointment, her breasts had been off limits to him from the start of this pregnancy, since they were incredibly sore and tender to the touch. Finally, after what seemed like eons to him, she gave a small nod.

Grinning like a fool, he reached out and carefully cupped them, testing their new weight. Gently, he began massaging them, making her eyes close in pleasure.

"Oooh, Finny," she breathed, shifting around until she was in his lap, her back pressed to his chest. Her head fell back on his shoulder as he continued to massage her.

"Does that feel good?" he murmured, placing a kiss on her neck.

"_So_ good," she managed to reply. "Harder, babe."

He massaged her harder. "Better?"

"_Amazing_. You're doing this for me every day now," Rachel decided, turning her head to kiss his lips.

He grinned against her mouth. "Just let me know when."

Totally the right answer because she turned completely around to kiss him hard on the mouth. In spite of the fact that not ten minutes ago he'd been shooting her offer of sex down, he eagerly kissed her back. He didn't know what he'd been thinking before, he'd _never_ turned her down before and he chalked it up to temporary insanity. He slipped a hand into her panties, his meeting be damned.

After all, an unhappy pregnant Rachel was a _hell _of a lot scarier than any unhappy client.

* * *

><p>"Babe? I've got lunch!" Finn called into the apartment, pushing the door open with his butt since his hands were loaded down with a multitude of bags.<p>

"Did you get my nachos?" she demanded from the kitchen doorway, one hand on her hip.

"Hello to you too." He shifted bags of ice in his hands, trying to get to the bag with the food in it.

"Hi, baby," she said hurriedly, her eyes looking for the familiar bag. "Did you get my nachos?"

"Yeah. Jose says hi," he replied, handing her the bag. "I got you some other stuff for lunch too."

"Oh, Jose was there? I thought he was going to his brother's in Connecticut to watch the game." She rifled through the bag, ignoring the other food he'd bought, looking for her nachos.

Finn rolled his eyes. Ever since the birthday party Monday night, Rachel and Tina had been going to the Caliente Cab to get her nachos after they walked, claiming that the fact that they now walked two miles made the nachos necessary, and as a result Rachel was now known at the restaurant by name. Which would be fine, except that she also conveniently got another nacho craving just as he was finishing work and possibly another at bedtime, which meant that _he_ was also known by name at the restaurant.

On the plus side, Rachel had taken his directive to let him know when she wanted her breasts to be massaged seriously, to the point where she simply took his hands and placed them on her breasts, which was a total win-win. He'd spent all of Friday night curled up on the couch with Rachel, his hands under her shirt massaging away as they watched TV. It definitely made watching those British TV shows she loved so much with her more enjoyable in his opinion.

Finally locating the aluminum dish with her nachos in it, she grabbed a bottle of water and went into the living room, unpausing the latest episode of _Downton Abbey_ she'd DVR'd.

He set about eating his lunch and getting ready for his Super Bowl party at the same time. Ordinarily, Rachel helped him but she'd already gotten mad at him when he'd used the wrong bowls and he figured she was probably better off watching her show.

"Beer's here," Puck announced as he let himself into the apartment, a keg of beer slung over his shoulder. "Where are you Huds?"

"In here!" Finn called back from the kitchen.

Puck followed his voice into the kitchen, placing the keg into the tub Finn was filling with ice. "You ready for the pregame?"

"Yeah, just help me carry this into the living room."

"Cool." He grabbed one handle of the tub while Finn grabbed the other. Together they carried it into the living room, where Rachel was lounging on the couch eating a plateful of nachos, Vlad watching next to her.

"S'up Berry? You're in my seat," Puck greeted her bluntly. "And what the fuck is this?"

"Hello to you too, Noah and I believe this is my seat since it's _my _apartment," Rachel pointed out, a nacho in her hand. "And _this_ happens to be _Downton Abbey_, the show that won all the awards. It takes place-"

"I don't give a fuck where it takes place, unless it's on a football field," he cut in, crossing his arms. "It's Super Bowl Sunday."

"Why are you here? Finn says the game doesn't start until 6:30 and it's only 2 now."

"It's called Super Bowl Sunday, not Super Bowl Night for a reason, Berry. All the pre-shows are on now," he explained, eyeing her nachos. "Ooh, nachos! Give me one!"

"_No_. Finn bought them for me." She jerked the nachos away from his outstretched hand, holding them in the air.

"I just want a few." He eyed Rachel critically. "Nice rack by the way. You still an A cup or did you finally graduate to a B?"

"Dude, she won't even give _me_ some," Finn added, tapping the keg. "And she's definitely a B cup now, which is awesome."

Rachel glared at both of them as she continued to hold the plate away from Noah. "I've _always_ been a B cup, just a small one."

"Come on. Just give me one." He lunged for the nachos, missing them as she jerked her hand away but managing to hit the plate.

Rachel watched in horror as the action of his hand hitting the plate caused it to tip, spilling the nachos all over herself, the couch and Vlad, who ended up wearing all the extra hot sauce she'd just poured on. Undaunted, he immediately started eating the nachos off the couch, as did Puck. "_Noah!_ My nachos!_"_

"Relax, Berry. You ever hear of the 5 second rule?" He popped another nacho in his mouth as he stared at Rachel, who was beginning to see red.

"_Noah_!" she screeched. Finn looked up from the keg nervously, knowing that this was about to turn very bad for Puck, and by extension, _him_. Sure enough, Rachel took the aluminum plate still in her hand and started hitting Puck with it.

"Geez, Berry, the fuck's your problem?" he asked, guarding his face against the barrage of hits he was receiving.

"Those were _my_ nachos! How could you do that?" she demanded, still hitting him with the plate. "My nachos, for _me_!"

"Dude, help me out!" he cried, still ducking Rachel's blows.

Finn sighed. He _knew_ this was going to be a problem for him. Swiftly, he crossed over to the couch, grabbing the plate from Rachel. Her anger deflated immediately and he pulled her to him, stroking her hair. "Baby, how about I give you a _massage _while Puck goes and gets you more nachos?"

"_What_?" Puck's eyes narrowed at his words. "What do you mean _while Puck goes_? The fucking pregame show is on. It's bad enough I've already missed the shows on ESPN, I'm not going out for nachos."

"Rach, why don't you go get comfy on our bed while I talk to Puck for a minute?" Finn suggested, already leading Rachel away from the couch and pushing her down the hallway. He waited until Rachel had disappeared into their bedroom before he whirled back around to face Puck. "Do you have a death wish or something?"

"What? I just wanted some nachos," he defended. "She's the one who spilled them."

Finn shook his head. "She's seriously hormonal and has been craving those stupid nachos constantly. I've had to go to the Caliente Cab everyday this week just to get them. So either you go to the Caliente Cab and come back with enough nachos covered in hot sauce to last her _all_ day or else you stay here trying to calm a pissed off pregnant woman and give a hot sauce covered Chihuahua a bath at the same time."

"Jeez, you sure you're not the hormonal one?"

"Shut it, Puckerman. Go get her her nachos _now,_" Finn threatened. "And don't think you can get them from somewhere else. I tried that the other day and it didn't work. Somehow she knew they weren't the right ones."

"She castrate you even more than she already has for that?"

"Worse. She went hormonal, accused me of not loving her because I didn't get her the nachos from the place she wanted and locked me out of the bedroom. So unless you want her to beat you with something worse than a plate, I suggest you go to the Caliente Cab."

"_Fine._ I'll be back with her fucking nachos."

Finn watched as he stomped off towards the door before grabbing Vlad and making his way down to the bedroom. He paused in the doorway, contemplating who to take care of first, Vlad or Rachel. Figuring that Vlad wouldn't lock him out of the bedroom, he opted to take care of Rachel first, watching as she sat on the bed combing her hair in short angry strokes.

Cautiously, he sat down next to Rachel, who promptly got up, grabbed Vlad and walked into the bathroom. Surprised, he got up to follow her, only to have the door slam and lock in his face. "Ray, let me in."

Nothing.

Confused, he jiggled the handle a little and pressed his ear to the door. He could hear her talking to Vlad about mean boys stealing her food and dumping hot sauce on her poor Vladimir as the water ran. "Babe, what are you doing?"

Again, he was greeted with silence. He pressed his ear to the door harder, only to hear Rachel now talking to Vlad about mean husbands who make fun of her bra size.

_Crap._ She was mad at _him_? Puck was the one who'd asked if she'd graduated to a B cup not him. All he'd said was that she was definitely a B now, so why was she mad? "Rachel, come on, let me in. I need to wash Vlad."

He sighed as the door remained firmly locked. Knowing she wasn't going to come out until she wanted to, he headed back into the kitchen to start getting the food ready for the party, making sure to use all the bowls Rachel had specified. Not wanting to piss her off any more than she already was, he even put out the Super Bowl themed napkins and plates Rachel had bought; the ones he'd refused to use for fear of what Puck would say.

A soaking wet Vlad came skidding down the hallway a few minutes later, now completely hot sauce free as he hid between the couch and the wall. Rachel followed immediately after, stomping down the hallway after him. "_Vladimir Impaler Hudson_! You get back here right now! I still need to blow dry you!"

"He's behind the couch," Finn pointed out, trying to help.

Apparently it didn't help, if the glare Rachel threw him was anything to go by. "Thank you for stating the obvious but I would be remiss if I didn't point out that he was able to go hide behind the couch in the first place because _someone _left the bedroom door open."

Shit.

Hastily, he got down on his hands and knees, peering at the Chihuahua behind the couch. "Come on dude. I know you're scared of the blow dryer, but Mommy wants you to look nice and fluffy. Plus, the wet dog smell you're rocking is pretty bad."

Vlad wasn't buying it, since he scooted further away from the arm Finn had stretched out trying to reach him. Rachel watched in disgust as he tried shoving his arm further into the small space, trying to reach the wet Chihuahua.

"Fuck!" he cried as his arm got stuck.

"That's fantastic parenting, Finn. Cursing's been proven to be real effective," Rachel snapped. "What are you going to do when it's our child stuck behind the couch?"

"Why the hell would our kid be stuck behind a couch?" he snapped back over his shoulder, frustrated that his arm was still stuck. "If our kid is stuck behind a couch, we've got bigger problems than my cursing."

Rachel glared at him. "Get him out. He needs to be blow dried before he gets sick."

"He's a _dog_. He's not going to get sick." He finally freed his arm and stood up to face Rachel, grabbing a few nachos still on the couch. Her eyes narrowed at his actions and for a moment he thought she was going to snatch her precious nachos out of his hand, but she stood silently watching as he bent back down and waved the nachos enticingly at Vlad. "Come on dude. You like nachos; it's like the food of your heritage."

Sure enough, Vlad shot out from behind the couch for the nachos, eating them out of Finn's hand. He scooped Vlad up, handing him over to Rachel. Vlad immediately shot Finn a look of betrayal, and judging from the look of anger on Rachel's face, Finn really couldn't blame him. "Sorry dude."

"Real nice, Finn. Making me the bad parent," Rachel barked, as she turned and marched back into the bedroom, a struggling Chihuahua in her arms. "That your plan for when the baby is born?"

He watched her go, trying to get his head around what had just happened. Clearly she was still pissed about the bra comment, which sucked for him because he wasn't the one who said it. He'd been _defending_ her although she obviously didn't think so since the bedroom door once again shut and locked.

Groaning, he placed his head in his hands. It's Super Bowl Sunday; he should be parked on his couch with a beer, watching every pregame show he could with the guys. Instead, he was dealing with a pissed off hormonal wife, a dog afraid of a hair dryer and a couch covered in nachos and cheese.

"Finn, Rachel? We're here!" Mike called, strolling into the apartment. Tina followed slowly behind, her hand on her back.

"In here!" he called back, picking the stray nachos off the couch.

Mike and Tina appeared in the living room a moment later, watching him attempt to scrape the cheese off the couch with a nacho. "Dude what happened? Where's Rachel?"

"Puck happened," Finn muttered as he straightened up. He eyed Tina, who'd just taken off her coat. As she'd told Rachel, she was wearing the special shirt Mike had gotten her for the occasion, a blue t-shirt that read _Giants Fan_ across her chest and _Future Giants Fan_ with an arrow pointing down across her stomach. Next to her, Mike was wearing an official jersey. "Way to rub it in, man."

Mike grinned. "I can't help it if the Jets didn't even make the playoffs."

"Where's Rachel?" Tina asked, slowly lowering herself on the other couch.

"In the bedroom, blow drying Vlad," he replied, not wanting to tell Tina the other reason why she was in the bedroom.

"Oh. Let me go in there then." She held her hands out to her husband. "Help."

Automatically, Mike took her hands in his, pulling her off the couch. Slowly, she waddled out of the living room, heading towards the bedroom.

"Dude, that's so not fair," Finn muttered, forgetting about the cheese on the couch as he sank down on it.

"What's not fair? The fact that you just sat in cheese?"

Finn jumped up off the couch, twisting around to see the cheese sauce smeared onto his pants, pieces of nacho stuck to it. "Crap! Now I've gotta get new pants and I can't go in there because of Rachel and her insane hormones."

Mike nodded in sympathy as he grabbed a red Solo cup. "Been there. What did you do?"

"Nothing! It was Puck! He spills her nachos, covers the dog in hot sauce and makes a comment about her bra size yet she's mad at _me._" He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "Tina ever get like that?"

"All the time. She locked me out of the bedroom because she got it into her head that I no longer found her attractive since I was watching an Angelina Jolie movie. And don't get me started on the mood swings."

Finn stared at him nervously. "It can't be all the time right?"

"Guess again." He filled his cup from the keg and held it up in salute before taking a drink.

"She's not mad at you. Want to go get my pants?" he asked hopefully. "If I sit anywhere else and cheese it up, she'll kill me."

"What am I going to say? That you're afraid of her and sent me?" he teased, taking another sip of his beer.

"I'm _not _afraid of her," he snapped. "Just go get my pants."

"Not afraid of who?" Blaine asked as he walked in, Kurt just behind him. "Awesome! A keg!"

"And who's going to get you pants?" Kurt demanded. "It had better not be Rachel. I think pregnancy has made what little fashion sense she has disappear completely."

"You have cheese on your ass, man," Blaine commented, accepting a cup from Mike and helping himself to the keg.

"No shit," Finn snapped. "My pants are in my bedroom, which is currently the headquarters of the _I hate Finn _club. I'm not exactly welcomed there."

"What did you do?" Kurt asked suspiciously.

Finn threw his hands up in the air. "Nothing! I did nothing! Puck makes a comment about her breasts getting bigger and _I'm_ the one in trouble!"

"Dude, that's like the best part," Mike replied, high fiving Finn. "Tina's like a D."

"_Really?_" Finn asked, impressed and already imagining what this meant for Rachel.

"Can we focus here?" Kurt snapped, redirecting the attention back to him. "Putting aside the fact that the jeans I bought for Finn are now covered in nachos and cheese, it appears that the couch I painstakingly selected is also covered in said cheese. I'm going to assume that I'm the only one allowed here in that bedroom, considering I'm a founding member of the _I hate Finn_ club."

"_What?_"

"Oh don't be so surprised Finn. You were an ass when Dad and Carole started dating," he called over his shoulder as he headed towards the bedroom. "And that couch had better be clean by the time I come out."

"What's up his ass?" Finn demanded, stalking over to the keg and pouring a beer. He gulped down the beer, quickly pouring himself another one.

Blaine shrugged as he sat on the nacho free couch. "Don't know, but I really wouldn't want to be you right now."

Kurt returned a few minutes later. "Take those off. They need to pre-soak."

"Dude, I'm not taking off my pants here. And where's the pants you were supposed to get?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Finn. No one is interested in what you've got down there and the one person who is, wants nothing to do with you at the moment. How could you say that about her chest?"

Exasperated, Finn threw his hands up in the air. "I didn't say it! Puck did!"

"Take off the pants, Finn. Rachel wants them to pre-soak immediately and then I'll bring you your new pants. Don't piss them off anymore than they already are."

"_Them_?" Mike asked immediately. "What do you mean, _them_?"

"Tina's not happy with you for announcing her bra size," Kurt said flippantly, holding out his hands for the jeans. Sighing, Finn pulled them off, wishing he hadn't chosen that day to wear his _Batman_ boxers. "Really Finn? Batman?"

"Shut up and get me my pants," he snapped.

"Alright, here's her fucking nachos," Puck announced, coming back into the living room, a large bag in his hand. "I got five orders. That should shut her up for a while right?" He eyed a pantless Finn. "Fuck Hudson. What kind of party is this, cause Puckzilla don't swing that way."

"I sat in the cheese _you_ spilled, you ass," he retorted. "And I'm locked out of the bedroom because of _you_ and your stupid A-cup comment."

"And apparently Tina's now mad about it too," Mike added, crossing his arms.

"Geez, you guys need to learn how to control your wives. I've only been married like three months and Q's already in line," he boasted, not noticing that the couch he'd just plopped down on was the cheese covered couch.

"That right?" Finn asked, smirking.

"Damn straight, Batman."

"Where is she now?"

"She's out with Mercedes, talking tampons and shopping. They'll be over later with Evans." He leaned back, placing an arm across the top of the couch, generally satisfied with himself. "Beer me."

"You might want to call her and have her buy you a pair of pants since you just sat in the cheese, too," Finn commented, exchanging a look of triumph with Mike.

"Fuck!" He jumped off the couch, spinning around to see the damage.

"Give me your pants," Kurt sighed, pulling the cushion off the couch. "You're all hopeless, I hope you know that."

"Try not to get turned on, Hummel," Puck said smugly, pulling off his pants. "And the rest of you, don't feel intimidated."

"Honestly, I feel like I'm baby-sitting. I'm going back to the land of civilized conversation. Have fun with your match." Kurt stalked off towards the bedroom, two pairs of pants and a cushion in hand.

"Wait! What about my pants!" Finn called.

"Get them yourself!"

Finn sighed. Puck had already grabbed the recliner which forced him to sit on the lone cushion remaining on the love seat. With the cushion gone, he wouldn't even be able to stretch out.

"Q and Aretha better get here soon. It's turning into a sausage fest here," Puck commented, watching as Mike poured another beer from the keg. "Get me a beer, Chang. And why are you wearing that fucking jersey? This is Jets Land."

"Considering the Giants are playing the Jets' arch rival Patriots, you shouldn't be complaining."

Finn threw his head back as he listened to Puck and Mike argue good naturedly. Rachel was still pissed and apparently had gotten Kurt and Tina on her side, he hadn't seen Vlad at all, he was down a couch cushion and he _still_ had no pants.

The bedroom door flew open and Finn sat up, hoping that it was Rachel, but once again, it was Kurt. "I'm given to understand that the nachos have arrived. I've been sent out to get them and also to inform Mike that Tina wants her ice cream as well as the fact that other than this conversation, we're not on speaking terms with you two and Puckerman."

Finn and Mike groaned simultaneously as Kurt grabbed the nachos and stalked back to the bedroom.

This was going to be a _long_ night.

* * *

><p>"<em>Yes!<em> Safety!"

High fives abounded as the Giants scored a safety, giving them a two point lead over the Patriots to start the game. Finn jumped out of his seat, thrilled that it was only a few minutes into the game and the Patriots were already losing. Happily he high fived Quinn and Mercedes sitting on either side of him.

Fortunately for Finn, his mother and Burt had arrived and she'd come to his rescue, getting him a pair of pants from the bedroom. His mother was so awesome, she'd even gotten the couch cushion back and cleaned it for them.

Puck hadn't been so lucky, needing to wait for Quinn to come. Despite his repeated texts to get there and bring him his pants, she'd taken her sweet time, arriving with Mercedes just before the game started, to the amusement of Mike and Finn, who'd made sure to ask if that was how he kept Quinn in line. Quinn didn't seem to find it as funny as Finn and Mike did, arching an eyebrow that quickly got Puck apologizing.

If certainly wasn't that easy with the Pregnancy Twins and the honorary preggo Kurt. Rachel had plowed though her nachos, sending Kurt out to inform Finn that she needed more. He'd sighed, put on his coat and hurried out, hoping he didn't miss too much of the pre-game. By the time he'd gotten back with enough nachos to last Rachel the rest of the night, Sam, Artie and Brittany had arrived, but Mike had been sent back out for more ice cream.

He'd just sat back down to watch the pre-game when Kurt reappeared to let him know that Rachel also wanted ice cream, but _not_ from Carvel where Mike was. No, she wanted him to go to Coldstone, ironically for the '_Berry Berry Berry Good'_ sundae. Wondering where the hell Rachel was putting all this food, he'd headed back out, hoping to be back by the singing of the national anthem.

His arrival home coincided with Quinn's and Mercedes'. Rachel had been in the living room (he assumed since he _wasn't_) when the three of them had walked in and she'd seem fine as she greeted Mercedes, although slightly cool towards Quinn.

"_Hello, Mer," Rachel said cheerily, as she stood side by side by side with Kurt and Tina, who like Rachel was pointedly ignoring her husband. "Quinn."_

_Her tone took on a slightly less cheery tone, but if Quinn noticed, she didn't let on as she sat next to Finn. "Hi, Rachel."_

_Rachel ignored her, turning back to Mercedes. "We're doing our nails inside. Do you want to come once Kelly Clarkson is done singing the anthem?"_

_"I'm going to stay our here for a while," Mercedes decided, sitting on Finn's other side._

"_I do!" Brittany exclaimed, climbing off her husband's lap to join them._

"_Maybe I'll join you later. We did a pool at work, so I want to see if my numbers win," Quinn replied, turning to Finn. "What numbers did you get?"_

"_Uh…" he glanced at the chart on the table. "Giants score has to end in a 7, Patriots has to end in a 5."_

"_Better than what I got. I got Giants 6, Patriots 2," Mike said glumly._

"_I've got a 0 and a 3," Quinn announced. "Are those good numbers?"_

_"Damn right those are good," Puck replied, trying to make amends. She ignored him, turning to Finn and asking him. Rachel watched with narrowed eyes as Finn confirmed Puck's assessment._

"_Baby, did you eat?" Finn asked, looking up at her from his seat. He rolled his eyes when she didn't answer. "Rachel. I know you heard me."_

"_Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't sure if you were talking to me or to another small chested woman," she replied, crossing her arms as she took note of the seating arrangements. "But yes, I did eat."_

"_How are you feeling, Tina?" Carole asked kindly, glancing between her sons and daughter-in-law curiously._

"_I'm feeling ok, my stomach's been a little upset today," Tina replied, rubbing her stomach._

"_Tina's going to be induced tomorrow. She can't wait," Mike offered, trying to make amends with his wife._

"_I bet __**you**__ can," Tina muttered, shooting a glare at Mike._

"_Ladies, the anthem is over. Let's go be preggo and fabulous in the bedroom," Kurt announced, linking arms with Rachel and Tina. _

"_I couldn't agree more. Grab the Doritos, B," Rachel agreed. Together with Brittany, who snatched the Doritos from Puck, they made their way back into the bedroom, ready to husband bash while they did their nails._

"_Sucks for you two," Puck commented, taking a swig of beer. "Hope you like the couch."_

"_Don't think you're out of the woods, Puckerman," Quinn warned. "The couch may still be in your immediate future."_

_Finn and Mike both snickered, as did Burt, Artie, and Sam._

"_Welcome to marriage, dude," Finn added, tipping his beer towards Puck in salute._

It stayed that way for most of the first half. Team Preggo remained camped out in Rachel's bedroom, while Team Husband was in the living room watching the game with only Carole, Mercedes or Quinn floating between them. Having exhausted her supply of nachos, Rachel finally broke the standoff, heading out in search of Finn.

Not seeing him in the living room with everyone, she decided to check the kitchen, arriving in the doorway just in time to Finn pressed up against Quinn as he helped her get something. Her eyes stung with tears as she watched him hand Quinn a bowl, still standing behind her and the implications kicked in.

Her husband was kitchen cheating on her.

Finn helping her in the kitchen and getting the things she couldn't reach for her was _their_ thing and here he was doing it for Quinn, the perfect blonde waif he'd always found attractive right in their apartment. A saner Rachel might have noticed the gap between their bodies or the fact that Finn wasn't touching Quinn at all, but pregnant Rachel didn't notice anything other than _her _husband pressed up behind Quinn. Unable to help the massive sob that emanated from her, she turned and ran to the bedroom.

Finn must have noticed her presence, because he slipped a hand between the door and the frame before she could shut it and lock him out. "Out _now_," he barked at his brother, who was lounging on their bed, leafing through Brittany's wedding proofs with her. Kurt took one look at the sobbing Rachel and nodded, quietly slipping out of the room with Brittany.

Rachel threw herself down on the bed, sobbing into the pillow next to Vlad.

"Rach, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" he asked cautiously, unsure if it was safe to sit on the bed. He left that to Vlad, who'd begun to sniff her hair that was splayed over the pillow. She mumbled something incoherent into the pillow. "Baby, speak up. Are you out of nachos?"

She didn't answer, only sobbing louder as Vlad finished sniffing her hair and moved onto sniffing her face.

Frustrated, Finn ran a hand through his hair as he began apologizing. "Look, Rachel. When I said that about your bra size, I was-"

"How could you? And in our own home!" she wailed, cutting off his apology. Vlad, concerned for Mommy, nuzzled his little face against hers, cuddling into her.

"I was defending you!" he blurted out, unsure of where the hell else she'd want him to talk about her bra size.

"Is that what you call it? That didn't look like defending to me," she sobbed. "And with _her._"

"Huh? What the hell are you talking about?" He paused, staring at her in confusion.

"Don't play innocent. I saw you."

"Saw me what? And who's _her_?"

"You were kitchen cheating! And with _Quinn_! I saw you just now!" she sobbed harder, cuddling Vlad.

"I was _what_? What the hell is kitchen cheating?" he asked, honestly bewildered.

"Like you don't know. I saw you pressed up against her, getting her a bowl." She wiped her eyes. "You've always liked her. You were probably just waiting until you knocked me up to make a move."

Finn threw his hands up in the air. "_Rachel._ How many times do we have to go through this? I don't want Quinn!"

"Just admit it. Quinn's your perfect woman. She's blonde and looks like a model." She looked down at Vlad sadly. "I'm already starting to look like a house."

"You don't look like a house. You're just pregnant."

"Yes, I do, especially next to Quinn. I saw you sitting between her and Mercedes. You were probably thrilled to be sitting between them since it's your two favorite things: big boobs and blondes." She looked up at him sadly. "How soon are you and Quinn going to begin divorce proceedings?"

Finally feeling like it was safe to sit next to her, he sat on the bed, stroking her leg. "Baby, you need to get this through your head. I am _not_ kitchen cheating or any other type of cheating with Quinn, and I'm _definitely_ not going to be starting divorce proceedings. I'm Team Rachel, remember?"

She said nothing, staring at him as she wiped her eyes. Cautiously, he moved over, lying down next to her so that they were facing each other. His hand reached out and cupped her face, his thumbs ghosting over her cheeks to wipe her tears. She seemed to be calming, so he _very_ carefully leaned over and placed a reassuring kiss on her lips, letting his hand slip under her shirt to rub the baby bump.

"Do you really mean it? You're not going to leave us?" She bit her lip anxiously, her hand placed protectively over her bump.

He moved closer to her, his hand draping over her hip, lightly rubbing her back under her shirt. "What did I tell you on our wedding night?"

"That clothing was not allowed." She smiled a little at the memory.

"Besides that." He rubbed her back a little harder.

"That I was stuck with you because no one else could ever complete you so well," she whispered.

"And?" He leaned even closer, letting their noses touch. "I believe there was a quote mentioned."

"Every day that you spend with me is the new best day of your life," she recited, her lips hitting his as she spoke.

"I meant it then and I mean it now. I'm _not_ going anywhere." He placed another kiss on her lips while his hand moved to rub her belly. "_Especially _not when the best parts of you and me is growing in your stomach."

She smiled, placing her hand over his on her stomach. He kissed her again, thrilled when she started reciprocating forcefully, which he knew meant she wanted sex. She pulled his hand off her stomach and placed it on her breast, moaning when he began fondling her like she liked. Not breaking their kiss, she began unbuttoning his pants to let her hand slip in. Hardly believing that she was actually going to go through with sex when they had a houseful of people over and Vlad in the room, he climbed on top of her, pulling her shirt off.

"_Yo Hudson! Unless you two are planning on putting on a porno version of Madonna's halftime show, get your asses out here because your mom can't find a fucking platter. Oh, and Chang wants to know why his wife is in there with you two. A preggo threesome your thing, Hudson?"_

Reluctantly, he broke away from Rachel. "What the hell are you talking about, Puck? Tina's not in here!"

"Um, actually I am."

Surprised, Finn and Rachel both looked at the closed bathroom door, from which Tina's voice had come. Horrified, Rachel pulled on her shirt. "Tina! I had no idea you were in there!"

"Um...can you get Mike?"

"Are you ok?" Rachel jumped off the bed and rushed over to the door, leaving Finn to calm himself and button his pants.

"I...um...think my water broke."

"_What_? Go get your mom, Finn!" Rachel directed excitedly. "The book says once the water breaks, labor is imminent!"

Finn raced out of the room, getting Mike and his mom, who confirmed that Tina's water had indeed broken all over their bathroom floor.

"I'm fine, I'm fine. Let me clean up your floor, Rachel," Tina insisted, mortified. "I'm so sorry I interrupted your make-up sex."

"Tina, don't be silly. The book says once your water breaks, you'll start having contractions within 12-24 hours," Rachel recited, guiding Tina out of the bathroom. "Here. You can borrow some of my maternity pants."

"Have you been having contractions at all, Tina?" Carole asked as they led Tina into the living room once she'd changed.

"I'm not sure. My back has been hurting all day, but I thought it was just back pain," she replied as she settled onto the couch next to Mike.

"Maybe we should go to the hospital," Mike added worriedly.

"No I'm fine," she snapped as she turned her attention to the game, hoping the rest of them did the same.

With the exception of Puck, none of them did, all sneaking glances at Tina, who'd purse her lips every so often, but valiantly made it to the end of the game. The second the game was over, she struggled off the couch and looked at her husband.

"Hospital _now._"

* * *

><p>"So what do you think Tina is doing right now?" Rachel asked as she climbed into bed later that night. She snuggled up against Finn, deep in thought.<p>

"I have no idea," Finn replied, not wanting to think about that aspect of pregnancy.

"Isn't it exciting that by this time tomorrow, they'll have a son?" She ran her fingers across his stomach idly as she contemplated this.

"Totally exciting." He turned out the light, burrowing down into the covers with Rachel.

"I'm sure Mike will be thrilled. Did you see how Tina kept sending him out for stuff?" Rachel asked as she tried to find a comfortable spot on Finn's chest. "She was a little snappish and moody too, I thought."

"Yeah." He twisted a lock of her hair around his finger, wisely not saying anything else.

She snuggled against him. "I'm so glad I'm low maintenance."

_Thank God_ it was dark so she didn't see his eyebrow quirk up. She'd sent him out for so many plates of nachos that he was starting to think Baby Us was going to come out wearing a sombrero. "Yeah?"

"I've managed to avoid the mood swings and cravings, don't you think?" she asked, completely ignoring the fact that she'd just sent him out before bed for yet another plate of nachos.

"Oh, yeah," he lied. "You've _totally_ avoided them."

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: I tried to get it out for Super Bowl, but it's still technically Super Bowl week, so that counts :)_**

**_The passage Rachel reads is actually from the book What to Expect When You're Expecting._**


	17. The NORMArizing of Ava, Part II

_**Dislclaimer: Glee is not mine**_

* * *

><p><strong><em>There never was a child so lovely but that his mother was glad to get him to sleep.<em>**

**_**-Ralph Waldo Emerson**_**

* * *

><p>"<em>Norma<em>! Dinner!"

Puck looked up from his magazine as the bathroom doorknob once again jiggled. "Like I told you the last three times you knocked, I'm coming, A! Tell Aunt Quinn you can't rush perfection."

He smirked as he heard her footsteps get further away from the bathroom door, turning his attention back to his _Maxim_ magazine, intent on finding out what Mila Kunis found sexy in the bedroom.

He'd just managed to drag his eyes away from the _hot_ pictures that accompanied the article when the doorknob started jiggling again. "Norma?"

He sighed. "What, A?"

"It's time for dinner."

"I _know_. You told me four times. I'm coming now." He turned his attention back to his magazine, hoping that answer satisfied her and she'd get away from the door so he could drop a deuce in peace.

"No you're not. I can see your feet. You're still _sitting_, Norma."

He frowned as he realized she must be peeking under the door. "Why don't you just start eating without me, A?"

"No. Aunt Quinn said you need to come _now._"

"Fine! I'm coming!" Giving Mila one last longing look, he put the magazine in the bin Quinn insisted he use to store his bathroom reading and stood up, flushing the toilet. Ava must have been satisfied by the toilet flushing because he could hear her scamper away. He quickly washed his hands and made his way out to the kitchen.

Quinn and a still KISS-ified Ava were both seated at the table, already eating. Scratching his chest, he strode over to his usual chair, only to find it occupied by a Chihuahua and Minnie Mouse.

"Again? What's with Minnie always sitting my seat?" he demanded, remembering all too well what had happened last time Minnie had stolen his seat.

"That's Minnie's seat now," Ava said calmly, concentrating on spearing her mac n' cheese with her Dora fork. "She likes to sit where you do."

"But it's _my_ seat. Tell Minnie to stop copying me."

"_No_. She likes that seat. So does Vlad."

"But-"

"Just sit in the other seat and be quiet," Quinn interrupted, heading off the argument she could see coming. She'd already set a fourth place at the table and had placed Puck's plate with his dinner at that seat. She gestured to the loaded plate. "Your dinner is already there."

"Fine. What are we having anyway?" He looked down at his plate and then at Ava's, immediately noticing the difference. "What the hell? How come she gets chicken nuggets but I get stuck with crappy meatloaf?"

"Because even though you act like it, you're not three," Quinn replied. "You need to start watching your diet and eating better. It's your mother's recipe, so you should be happy."

"Not really. Her meatloaf sucks," Puck muttered, eyeing Ava's plate and wondering if he could swipe a few chicken nuggets without her noticing or worse, _telling_.

"Just eat it."

"But I want chicken nuggets too!"

"Well you can't have them. I only made enough for Ava."

"You need to eat your crappy meatloaf, Norma," Ava added cheerfully, adding insult to injury by dragging a nugget through her barbeque sauce before taking a bite.

"_Ava_! Don't say crappy, it's a bad word!" Quinn admonished, giving her husband _the_ _look._ "Didn't I say before that you can't say the things Norma says because he's a bad boy? That's why he gets meatloaf and not chicken nuggets like you."

"This _sucks_," Puck whined; his eyes still fixated on Ava's plate, which he also noticed contained mac n' cheese. There was _no_ mac n' cheese on his plate, just crappy broccoli and carrots. His mood got slightly better when he did a closer inspection of Ava's plate and realized that it also contained carrots. She managed to escape the broccoli though, which totally wasn't fair.

"You stay in the bathroom longer than Daddy," Ava announced, blissfully unaware that her chicken nuggets were in danger. "He makes it smell really bad."

"Norma does too, Ava," Quinn replied seriously. "Boys like smelly things. That's why they think it's funny to make the bathroom smell bad."

Ava stared at him, one hand holding a chicken nugget. "Mommy doesn't like it when Daddy does that."

"Doesn't surprise me. Berry doesn't appreciate talent." He shoved some of the meatloaf in his mouth, noting that it tasted just as crappy as he'd suspected. "Hey A, you wanna see talent? Something _really_ cool?"

Ava nodded excitedly as she took a bite of her nugget. Next to her, a not as excited Quinn stared at her husband, suspicion lacing her voice as she formed her next statement. "If you're going to do what I think you're going to do, let me remind you that Rachel will _kill_ you."

Puck dismissed her with a wave of his hand. "Check this out, A."

"_Puck,_" Quinn warned, knowing he was going to do it anyway.

"You see this finger, Avs? Pull it and see what happens," Puck directed, holding out a finger. Ava stared at it curiously, not sure what to expect. "Go ahead, pull my finger."

Experimentally, she reached out and gave his finger a tug, gasping in surprise when he immediately produced what he liked to call a 'quality' fart of loud proportions. She promptly pulled on his finger again, squealing when she got the same result.

"I told you it was really cool," he boasted, ignoring Quinn who now had her head in her hands. "I bet Daddy can't do that and I _know_ Uncle Kurt can't."

Beyond impressed, Ava turned her wide eyes to Quinn. "Did you _see _that?"

"I missed it, Ava," Quinn said tiredly.

"Watch what happens when I pull Norma's finger!" Ava directed; the excitement and awe evident in her voice. She tugged hard on Puck's finger and was rewarded with an extra loud fart.

"You like that, A? When Daddy comes home, you need to pull on his finger and see what happens. Better yet, try pulling _Mommy's_ finger." He grinned just thinking about what Rachel's reaction would be. His grin grew even wider when he saw Ava pulling her own fingers, trying to see if they could make noise.

"Puck…" Quinn trailed off, not even wanting to imagine what Rachel was going to say.

"Since that was so cool, A, how about I get one of your nuggets?" he asked innocently, stoked when Ava immediately handed over a chicken nugget.

"_No_,' Quinn snapped, attempting to snatch the nugget out of his hand, but missing. She frowned when Puck shoved it into his mouth with a smirk. "Those are for Ava, _not_ you."

"I can't help if she gave it to me," he retorted between chews, watching as Quinn got up and got something from the counter. "Besides, she's done anyway. Looks like she got Finn's appetite."

Quinn sighed as she handed Ava a chocolate pudding cup and spoon. "You're unbelievable."

"No, what's unbelievable is that she gets a snackpack pudding and I don't. What the hell?" he demanded instantly, his eyes watching Ava happily dig into the pudding.

"Fine you baby, here." She handed him his own snackpack pudding cup.

Eagerly, he accepted it, more than ready to have some pudding. His eagerness dissipated when he examined the pudding. "Whoa… what the hell is _this_?"

"Pudding, just like you asked for." Shrugging, Quinn pulled the cover off her own pudding, quickly placing a spoonful in her mouth.

"No, _this_ is tapioca. Tapioca is **_not _**pudding, it's nasty shit that no one should ever have to eat." He pointed to the chocolate pudding covering Ava's KISS-ified face with his spoon. "_That_ is pudding."

"Ava got the last chocolate. There's only tapioca left, so just eat it and we'll get more."

"I'm not eating tapioca! It tastes like shit."

"I have chocolate, Norma," Ava announced, rubbing salt in an open wound.

"Yeah, I know," he pouted. "You get chocolate and I get crap."

"You really are juvenile, you know that? Here, mine's vanilla, eat it and shut up." Rolling her eyes, Quinn thrust her cup at him, taking the dreaded tapioca in exchange.

Puck quickly ate the vanilla, letting a satisfying belch out to signal that he was done to the delight of Ava, who clapped.

"Can you at least clean up while I get Ava's bath started?" Quinn asked, helping Ava out of her chair. "Oh, and feed Vlad."

"Fine," he grumbled, pushing away the remainder of the crappy meatloaf.

"I want to feed Vlad," Ava announced, running over to the bag of dog food Puck had placed on the floor. She picked up the bag as best she could, tipping the bag over to try and pour the food into Vlad's bowl, the little Chihuahua now waiting anxiously next to his bowl.

The bag proved a little too heavy for Ava, since she ended up dropping the bag and spilling the dog food all over the floor. Vlad immediately got to work cleaning up the food while Ava looked up at Puck and Quinn, surprise written all over her cat face. "Sorry, Norma."

"It's ok, Ava. Norma will clean it up while you're in the tub."

"Yeah, I got it." He sighed, getting to work while Quinn and Ava went into the bathroom. He could hear the tub being filled and Ava talking Quinn's ear off about something and he sighed again, wondering who got off easier, him or Quinn.

"Puck? Can you bring in the bag with Ava's tub toys?" Quinn called from the bathroom. "I need the thermometer."

"Finish cleaning this," he directed at Vlad as he stood up. The Chihuahua was already on it, still happily eating the spilled food.

He grabbed the bag marked _tub toys_ and made his way into the bathroom, where Quinn was listening to Ava describe something that had happened on _Dora the Explorer. _"Got the bag?"

"Yeah, here."

Ava, now stripped of her cat face, had been standing next to the tub wearing a purple bathrobe with pictures of Tinkerbell all over it as she waited for the tub to fill but upon seeing the bag in Puck's hand she immediately lunged for it, tossing toys out left and right as she searched for something.

"Whoa, A. What are you doing?" he asked, eying the toys littering the ground.

"I need Norma."

"I'm right here, A," he responded, confused by her statement.

"Not you, Norma. I need _Norma._"

He registered that same tone of annoyance in Ava's voice that Rachel frequently used as he watched her triumphantly pull something out of the bag.

"What's that, A?"

She held up a fat pig floating on an inner tube, a pair of sun glasses on his face, the underside of which was a thermometer. "Norma."

"The pig is named Norma?" Quinn asked in amusement, looking at the thermometer in Ava's hand. "Why don't you put Norma the pig in the water so we can see if it's hot enough?"

Ava nodded happily, depositing the pig in the water and immediately stripping herself of her bathrobe. Stark naked, she bounced up and down, clapping her hands excitedly.

"Whoa, she's naked!" Puck hissed, momentarily distracted from why the pig thermometer was named Norma. "Is this allowed?"

"Well how else is she going to take a bath?" Quinn asked as she checked the thermometer. Beside her, Ava was placing all the toys she'd thrown out of the bag into the bubble covered water.

"Shouldn't we be outside?" he demanded. "We're not her parents!"

"For someone who calls themselves a sex shark, you're a real prude. It's not like _we're_ naked." Quinn rolled her eyes. "Here. This princess grotto suctions to the wall. Stick it on so she can play with it."

Puck nodded, taking the _Little Mermaid_ grotto complete with a swing and slide for Ariel and Flounder to play on and sticking it to the wall. "All set, A."

Ava clapped her hands excitedly as she bounced up and down. "I can't go in yet, until Norma says it's ok. Mommy says."

Puck resisted the urge to roll his eyes, checking the pig thermometer. "A, Norma the pig says the temperature is ok. You ready to go in?"

Ava nodded, holding her arms out to Puck, who carefully picked her up and placed her amid the bubbles. She immediately got to work pouring the water from cup to cup and splashing about.

"Stay in here with her and I'll clean up dinner," Quinn decided, already moving towards the door. "Just try not to make too big of a mess. That goes for you too, Ava."

He ignored her, already sitting on the side of the tub. "Having fun in the bubbles, Avs?"

Ava smiled up at him, her skin already covered in bubbles. "What's a sex shark?"

"Huh?" he asked, caught off guard as he built a bubble tower. "Where'd you hear that?"

"Aunt Quinn said it," Ava announced, pouring a cupful of water on his bubble tower, completely destroying it.

Puck smirked. Q was constantly riding his ass about speaking appropriately in front of Ava and _she'd_ said something inappropriate. He scooped up some bubbles, hoping a bubble Mohawk would distract her. "That's something that only big girls can say."

"I'm a big girl. Daddy says I am," Ava insisted, crossing her bubble covered arms in frustration as he piled the bubbles on her head.

"I know you are, but when I say big girls, I mean _old_ girls, like Aunt Q or Mommy. They're like dinosaurs, they're so old," he assured her, shaping the bubbles into a perfect Mohawk. "Are you a dinosaur?"

"No. I'm a princess."

"Then you can't say that word. Princesses aren't allowed to," he elaborated, hoping she bought it. "There. You look awesome A. Think we should send a picture of your new hair to Mommy?"

Ava nodded, busy holding the water squirter of Boots floating in a tube under the water and squeezing it to make bubbles. He quickly snapped her picture, deciding to send only a text to Rachel first, one that was sure to make her worry. Grinning maniacally, he quickly typed out a message, knowing Rachel hadn't landed in Barbados yet.

**_Just gave the Rugrat a fucking awesome new hairstyle. Hope that's ok._**

Hardly able to wait for Rachel's response, he put his phone on the counter, his attention now refocused back on Norma the pig floating lazily nearby. "Yo A, why's the pig named Norma?"

"Mommy named him Norma. She says it's a good name for a pig because you're one too," Ava replied, now busy using her bath crayons to draw an elaborate picture on the tile. She stood up to continue her picture, the bubbles dripping down her body, her bubble Mohawk drooping a little.

"Is that right?" he asked, narrowing his eyes. "Are you having fun in the tub, A?"

Ava nodded, continuing to draw her picture. "I like baths, so does Mommy."

"I know. I've seen how much fun Mommy has in the tub with Daddy," he continued innocently.

That got Ava's attention because she turned to look at him, her crayon in her hand. "Daddy likes _showers_, Norma."

"I know, but sometimes he likes baths too. He and Mommy like to play all sorts of fun games in the tub. I've seen it." He nodded firmly, trying not to laugh at the thought. "Ask him."

"Daddy says he's too big for the tub but me and Mommy are the right size, like Baby Bear," Ava insisted. The hand clutching the crayon moved to her hip.

"I'm telling you, Avs. I've _seen_ the games they play in the tub. They're especially fond of playing pickle me tickle me."

"Really?" Ava scrunched her face in thought, considering this. "Daddy didn't tell me that."

He tried not to laugh at the look on her face. "Would I lie to you?"

"Oh Ava, I almost forgot. I bought this for you today," Quinn announced, coming back into the bathroom, a bright green plastic canister bearing a picture of Elmo in her hand.

"What's that?" Ava asked, still standing in the tub.

"Why don't you sit down and I'll show you," Quinn directed, smiling as Ava immediately sat down with a splash. She pried the lid off the canister, peering in at the red, yellow and blue tablets inside. Experimentally, she pulled out a blue one and dropped it in the water, hoping it wouldn't stain the tub. All three of them watched as the tablet began fizzing, turning the clear water a deep shade of blue.

"That's pretty cool, A," Puck commented as he stood up. "Be right back."

"Hurry back, I still need to finish putting stuff away," Quinn responded.

Ava began splashing around, spreading the dye. She paused momentarily, staring up at Quinn. "Purple, I want purple."

He slipped out of the bathroom, running down the hall to get his guitar, returning to the bathroom quickly. Ava was now bathing in a sea of deep purple water, letting Ariel slide down her slide and into the water over and over.

"Want some tunes while you bathe, A?" he asked as he switched places with Quinn.

She nodded, watching as Ariel slid down the slide and landed in the purple water, followed closely by Flounder.

He placed his strap over his shoulder as he sat down on the toilet, trying to decide what to sing. "Any requests?"

"Do you know the Dora song?" she asked, watching him. Ariel floated in the water nearby, completely forgotten about.

"Nope." He tuned his guitar, more than a little relived that he didn't know the words.

Evidently, this wasn't a problem for Ava, who grabbed her Dora water squirter and immediately began singing the words. "_Do-do-do-do Dora! Do-do-do Dora! Do-do-do Dora! Do-do-do Dora! Dora Dora Dora the Explorer!"_

"You call that music, Avs?" he asked skeptically, dismayed when Ava nodded enthusiastically. "It's a good thing you came to stay with Uncle Norma then. It's clear we've got bigger problems than that rabbit crap you watch. Ready?"

"Ready, Norma." She splashed her hands in the water a few times, excited.

He strummed his guitar a few times while he decided what to sing. "Alright A. This song's for you."

Ava splashed more water as he began singing _Brown Eyed Girl_, accompanying himself with the guitar. She appeared to like his music choice, judging from the amount of splashing and clapping she did. He segued into _Sweet Caroline_ followed immediately by _Only the Good Die Young _and _The Lady is a Tramp_. He'd just started _Fat Bottomed Girls _when Quinn came back in.

"Alright Ava, it's time to wash up." Carefully, she lowered herself to the ground, ready to wash Ava's hair. She snuck a glance at her husband, who'd resumed playing as she gently poured some water over Ava's hair. "Really, Puck? _Fat Bottomed Girls?_ Isn't that a little inappropriate?"

"You should have heard what she wanted!" he defended, watching as Quinn gently lathered Ava's hair. "Trust me, I'm doing her a favor."

"You couldn't sing _Itsy Bitsy Spider?_ Hold still, Ava," Quinn directed, attempting to rinse Ava's hair out. Ava had begun doing the hand movements for _Itsy Bitsy Spider _as soon as the words left Quinn's mouth, making her job as shampoo girl a lot harder. Obediently, Ava dropped her hands into the water, letting Quinn rinse out her hair.

Puck, noticing that Ava was becoming a little squirmy when Quinn attempted to wash her body, quickly finished _Fat Bottomed Girls. _"Yo, A. This next song I need your help with, ok? When I point at you, I need you to say "_where they at"_, ok?"

"Puck! Seriously! That's not a song for her!" Quinn hissed, as Ava, always a fan of participating, nodded excitedly.

"Ready A?" Puck asked, strumming his guitar. "Where they at?"

He pointed to Ava, who immediately did her part, adding a little splash for effect. "Where they at?"

Quinn rolled her eyes as he repeated the line, again pointing to Ava, who responded just as enthusiastically as the first time, her splash getting bigger. They did this six more times, Ava's splash getting larger with each one, soaking Quinn.

"Alright A, that was totally kickass, but now I need you to say _"hey, must be the money!" _when I point ok?" Puck directed, ignoring Quinn's protests and declarations that Rachel was going to _kill_ him.

"Relax, Q. I've got this," he assured her as he launched into _Ride wit Me,_ preschool style. "_If you wanna go and take a ride wit me/Be stylin in the Coupe with the fake ID /Oh why can't I drive like A? (Hey, must be the money!)"_

"_Hey, must be the money!" _Ava chimed in, kicking her legs to create a bigger splash, to Quinn's annoyance.

Puck, pleased that his new lyrics were getting such a big reaction, continued. "_If you wanna go and come play wit me/Grab Elmo and jump in the Coupe-y/Oh when is he coming to play? (Hey, must be the money!)"_

"_Hey, must be the money!" _Ava sang, now kicking as hard as she could.

"_A's at ballet for the first night, feelin right/Lookin tryin to dance something real nice/Searching for a Mommy Berry, short and bossy so that she can go home (She can go home),"_ Puck continued, unable to resist getting in a dig at Rachel. Ava loved it, kicking her legs even harder and soaking Quinn more.

"Okayyy, song time's over," Quinn announced, wiping the water out of her eyes. She looked at Puck, holding her arms out. "Help me up."

"Sorry, A. We'll continue the song tomorrow, ok?" Puck promised a now pouting Ava, placing his guitar next to the toilet bowl to help his wife up. Once Quinn was on her feet, he reached for Ava, surprised when she scooted to the far side of the wide Jacuzzi tub and out of his reach. "Come on, Avs."

"No, Norma," Ava said firmly, picking up a crayon floating nearby and resuming the picture she'd abandoned before.

"Yes, A," Puck said just as firmly. "Now, come on."

"No." She continued drawing her picture on the wall, turning her back on him.

"Ava, come. I have your towel all ready," Quinn coaxed, holding out Ava's fluffy pink towel with a tiara and _Ava_ embroidered on one corner.

"No."

"A, don't you want to hear the cool big girl story?" Puck asked, getting desperate.

That seemed to get Ava's attention since she stopped her drawing to turn slightly. "You have _Guess who, Elmo?_"

"Avs, you're at _Norma's_. You think I'd have a book like that here?" Puck scoffed. "This story is _super_ cool and only for big girls, which is why Aunt Quinn's never heard it."

"Really?" Ava turned fully around, interested.

"Totally. Like I said, only for big girls who are super cool, which means Mommy _definitely_ hasn't heard it either," he replied. "But you can only hear it if you get out of the tub."

Completely buying into this, Ava stood up, allowing herself to be pulled out of the tub by Puck. Quinn promptly wrapped her up in the pink towel, thoroughly rubbing her dry as the Book of Ava directed. Once she was sure Ava was dry enough, she rewrapped her in her Tinkerbell bathrobe, quickly brushing her teeth and letting Puck carry her into the adjoining guest room. Quinn pulled out two pairs of pajamas, frowning as she stared at them. "Puck how many degrees is it outside?"

"No idea. Why?"

"The book says to dress her in the footie pajamas if it's below a certain amount of degrees, but dress her in these princess pajamas if it's _above_ a certain amount of degrees," Quinn explained, one hand holding a two piece set of pink pajamas with the Disney princesses all over them while the other held a much warmer purple sleeper the front of which showed Dora ice skating with Boots. "I'm not sure what the temperature is."

"Berry's unbelievable with that book," Puck declared. "Which ones you want to wear, Avs?"

"Dora," Ava announced from the bed. "Daddy bought them for me today."

"Problem solved. Dora it is." He took the pajamas and underwear Quinn was holding and got her dressed, while Quinn blow dried her hair.

"So Daddy bought you these pjs today?" Quinn asked, pulling a chunk of Ava's hair with a brush to attempt to dry it straight. Truly her father's daughter, Ava's hair resisted Quinn's attempt to straighten it. "I like them."

Ava nodded happily. "Daddy said Norma would be jealous of them, since they're so cool. He bought me new princess underwear too."

"Well, I think Daddy was right, Norma wishes he had pjs like that," Quinn agreed, smirking at the appalled look on Puck's face. "And I like the new princess underwear. I bet Norma's _really_ jealous of them."

"You don't have princess underwear?" Ava asked, turning her eyes on him.

"Hell no. Daddy might have princess underwear but I'm all man."

"Oh. Mommy didn't come with us. She had to pack because Daddy only put Mommy's laun-jerry in her suitcase," Ava added, unaware that her words were like gold to Puck.

"Laun-jerry, huh?" Puck questioned, trying to maintain a casualness to his voice.

"The pajamas mommies wear," Ava replied, squirming from the heat of the hair dryer.

"That right?" he replied, already thinking of ways to use this against Rachel.

"Ok, Ava, all done!" Quinn cut in, knowing all too well what her husband was thinking. "Let's get you under the covers!"

Once she was under the covers with Minnie and Vlad, Puck sat on the bed next to Ava while Quinn went to clean up the bathroom. "You ready to hear the super cool big girl story?"

Ava nodded, burrowing deeper into the covers.

"Ok, so check it. A girl named-"

"That's not right, Norma," Ava interrupted. "You need to start with Once upon a time."

"Fine. Once upon a time there was girl named…" he trailed off trying to think of a code name for Rachel.

"Is she a princess?" Ava demanded.

Puck rolled his eyes. "Of course. Her name is…um...Princess Bossypants." He grinned at the name. "Princess Bossypants was engaged to be married to Prince Gigantor and she really loved him, but she was worried that he didn't love her as much. So she decided to-"

"Please tell me you're not telling her what happened before their wedding," Quinn demanded, sticking her head out of the bathroom. "I feel like I should have the words _Rachel will kill you_ tattooed on my head."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just telling Avs a story," Puck replied innocently, the smirk on his face saying otherwise. "So like I was saying, Princess Bossypants was excited about getting married and decided to get Prince Gigantor a present."

"Did she buy him a baseball bat? Mommy bought that for Daddy," Ava asked, rubbing her eyes. "He liked it."

"Too bad that bat didn't help Daddy stop sucking. But no, Princess Bossypants couldn't decide what to get, so she asked lots of people for ideas but none seemed just right. Princess Bossypants finally asked her friend Sir Handsome and his girlfriend Lady Hotness for help. Princess Bossypants, being the pain in the butt that she is, refused to take Sir Handsome's awesome ideas seriously but after talking to Lady Hotness, she decided to have some super special pictures taken, just for Prince Gigantor. They'd had some engagement pictures taken, but these would be super special pictures, only for Prince Gigantor."

"Mommy took me to get my picture taken," Ava announced, clutching Minnie tighter. "I wore my pink party dress that Uncle Kurt bought me."

"I remember, A. That picture's on our fridge. Princess Bossypants didn't wear a party dress because she isn't as cool as you," he assured her.

"So what did she wear?"

"She decided to wear all sorts of laun-jerry." He snickered as Quinn threw her hands up in the air and went back into the bathroom.

"Mommy said only _mommies_ can wear laun-jerry," Ava commented suspiciously.

Puck faltered."Uh, she's a princess, she can do what she wants, I bet that's why she was allowed to wear the special pajamas. Although Prince Gigantor likes to use his magic wand on the princess, so maybe she thought she was going to be a mommy."

"Oh. What happened? Did the prince like the present?"

He snickered at the memory, although at the time it was decidedly less funny. "The prince _loved_ the pictures. He loved them so much that he kept looking at them all the time but he wouldn't let anyone else see them, not even Sir Handsome."

"That's because Sir Handsome was a perv!" Quinn called from the bathroom.

Puck ignored her, continuing the story. "Like I said, Prince Gigantor wouldn't let anyone see the pictures, not Sir Handsome or even his friend Sir Arthur the Four-Eyed. Prince Gigantor and Princess Bossypants grew more and more excited about the wedding and they decided to have a fancy dinner the day before just for their families."

"Was it a ball?" Ava asked, wide eyed. "Did Princess Bossypants wear a pretty dress?"

"No, they were saving the ball for the wedding, but Princess Bossypants did wear a dress, showing off the sneaky hot body she had." He added that part in for Quinn's benefit, waiting to see what she said.

"Don't forget to tell Ava how Sir Handsome got a knee to the groin from Princess Bossypants after he made a comment about her sneaky hot body!" Quinn called back.

"_Really_? The princess hit Sir Handsome?" Ava asked, impressed.

"Yeah, she used her knee since she didn't have a frying pan like you," Puck replied bitterly, still smarting from that hit he'd taken from Ava. "You're really onto something with that frying pan."

"You better hope Princess Bossypants doesn't buy one on her vacation," Quinn threatened from the bathroom.

"Anyway, Princess Bossypants had demanded that Prince Gigantor be at the restaurant at 6:30 which meant that he had to stop running the kingdom early and leave the work castle, bringing the engagement photo album that Princess Bossypants had forgotten to bring to the restaurant. But there was a problem."

"What?"

"Prince Gigantor's kingdom had an evil witch named Lady Lopez the Augmented. The day of the party, Lady Lopez the Augemented did some sort of spell and created chaos in the work castle, making Prince Gigantor unable to leave the castle on time. He called Sir Handsome and Sir Arthur the Four-Eyed and asked them to get the photo album that Princess Bossypants wanted to display at the restaurant."

"What happened?" she asked, holding Minnie to her chest as she yawned.

"Being the awesome dudes that they are, Sir Handsome and Sir Arthur the Four-Eyed went and grabbed the first album they found in the prince's bedroom. When they got to the restaurant, Princess Bossypants, bossy broad that she is, didn't even thank them. She just told them to put the album on the table, which they did."

"How was the party?"

"The party was _awesome_ A. Not as awesome as your Tangled themed birthday party, but you would've liked it. There were pink balloons everywhere and a kickass cake. But there was a problem. A _big_ problem."

"What?" Her eyes were practically closed.

"Well it turned out that the album Sir Handsome had grabbed wasn't the right one. Purely by accident, he and Sir Arthur had grabbed the album with the super special pictures only for Prince Gigantor. No one realized until the Prince's father, King Burtus, opened the album and saw a whole lot more of Princess Bossypants than he ever wanted to see. Princess Bossypants was so upset that she started throwing things at Sir Handsome and Sir Arthur! She hit Sir Arthur in the face with a breadroll and broke his glasses, really ruined the party, Avs." He could see Ava struggling to keep her eyes open, so he stood up, pulling the covers around her before he turned on the Dora nightlight Rachel had packed just as Quinn came out.

"She's asleep?" she asked, impressed.

He smirked. "This whole parenting thing's a breeze. Berry makes it sound so difficult."

"She's going to _kill _you when she finds out about Princess Bossypants," Quinn called over her shoulder as she walked out of the room, Puck behind her. "We better be careful if our child ever goes to stay with Rachel."

"What could our kid learn there?" he scoffed. "How to love a rulebook?"

"I'm just saying, karma's a bitch." She settled on the couch and flipped on the TV.

"I'm not worried." He sat down next to her, wrapping his arm around her shoulder. "I'm simply making the Baby Berry cooler. Bigger Berry can bring it."

Quinn smiled wryly. "Famous last words, Puck."

* * *

><p>Puck stretched, his eyes still closed as he rolled over. Never a morning person, he slowly opened one eye, expecting to see the sleeping face of his wife. He jumped a little when instead of Quinn's delicate features he was greeted with the furry snout and dark eyes of Ava's Sergeant VonFuzzyBear. Wondering why the Sergeant was in his bed, he slowly opened his other eye.<p>

Quinn was nowhere to be seen, which made sense since he wasn't in his own bed. No, for some reason, he was in the guest room, in the bed Ava had been occupying last night. He sat up a little, the sleepy haze his brain was still in barring him from remembering why he was sleeping with a bear and not his wife. Slowly, the events of last night came back to him.

_"God, I'm **exhausted**," Puck declared, as he sank into bed beside Quinn._

_"No doubt telling Ava inappropriate stories and teaching her bad things has made you tired," Quinn responded wryly. "I'll say it again. Rachel is going to kill you. I'm surprised her fist didn't come through the phone when she called you before about Ava's hair."_

_"It's not my fault Berry can't take a joke," he replied snickering at the memory of Rachel screaming through the phone that she was going to castrate him if he'd touched a hair on Ava's head. He'd had to sneak into Ava's room and take a picture of her sleeping as proof that he was only kidding, in addition to sending her the picture of Ava with her bubble Mohawk._

_"I don't know why you take such pleasure in riling her up. I really think she's going to kill you on Sunday."_

_"Better get my fun in now then," he murmured, suddenly getting a second wind as he began kissing her neck._

_"Puck, no! Ava's down the hall!" Quinn squealed, trying unsuccessfully to push him away._

_"She's sound asleep and her room's all way the by the kitchen. She won't hear anything," Puck promised between kisses. His hand made its way between her legs. "Come on, you know you want it, even if you don't have your laun-jerry on."_

_Quinn apparently did want it because she stopped protesting and started kissing Puck back. He'd just managed to slip his hand into her panties when he heard the closed bedroom door handle jiggle._

_"Noooormmmma?"_

_Quinn and Puck both picked up their heads at the sniffling, wailing voice on the other side of the door. As quickly as she could at eight months pregnant, Quinn got out of bed and opened the door, revealing Ava, her face tear-stained and her hair wild, clutching Minnie to her chest, Vlad next to her. "Ava, what happened?"_

_Ava promptly burst into tears again, making her response unable to be understood. She walked past Quinn and over to Puck's side of the bed, still crying. Unable to climb onto the bed by herself, she held out her arms to Puck, who picked her up and placed her in the middle of the bed. Vlad, unwilling to leave an upset Ava, backed up and jumped on the bed, positioning himself so that he could lick her face and offer comfort._

_Puck stared helplessly at Quinn as she climbed back into bed, unsure of what was going on. He turned his attention to a still crying Ava. "What's wrong, A? Did you have a bad dream?"_

_"I want Mommy and Daddy!" she wailed._

_"They're not here Avs, remember?" Puck pointed out, wincing when his words only made Ava cry harder._

_"It's 11:30, they should still be awake. Maybe we should call and let her speak to them?" Quinn ventured._

_Puck, having already considered the possibility of Berry blocking Finn, nodded as he reached for the phone and dialed Finn's cell phone._

_Fortunately, Rachel picked up on the third ring. "If you think we're having sex at the moment and you're interrupting you're wrong, so what do you want?" she asked in way of greeting._

_"For your information, there's some Norma Blocking going on here by the Baby Berry," he replied. "A woke up and she won't stop crying for you and Finn."_

_"Why is she crying, Noah?" Rachel demanded, instantly concerned._

_"If I knew that, would I be calling you?" Puck snapped. "She just came in here crying, even though she's been asleep for hours."_

_"She must've gotten scared when she woke up and was in a strange bed," Rachel fretted. "I **knew **I should have packed her bedspread and sheets and had Finn dismantle her bed to bring over to your house."_

_"You're insane, you know that? Why didn't you just paint the walls of our guest room pink like her room while you're at it?"_

_"For your information, What to expect: The Toddler Years says that consistency is very important to a toddler's sleep routine. Did you not read what I wrote in the sleep section of Ava's book? She needs consistency."_

_"You're consistently a pain in the ass, you know that?"_

_"I'm simply trying to tell you that the book says-"_

_"God you're annoying. Where's Hudson? Lemme talk to him since he's normal, even if he is whipped," Puck declared, sneaking a peek at Ava who was being comforted by Quinn._

_"I don't appreciate that insinuation, Noah," Rachel snapped._

_"So put him on then. He's always at your side like a fucking dog; I'm sure he's next to you even if you claim he's not whipped."_

_Rachel paused. "He's out getting me a smoothie from the hotel restaurant."_

_"I knew it," Puck replied, smirking._

_"Just shut up and put Ava on," Rachel demanded._

_Puck looked down at a still crying Ava, who was leaning against Quinn, Vlad now in her lap. "Yo A. Mommy's on the phone."_

_Still wailing, she took the phone from Puck, her cries leaving her mother with no doubts that she was now on the phone._

_"Ava baby, why are you crying?" Rachel cooed._

_"I wanna go home!" Ava wailed._

_"Did you have a bad dream?"_

_Still sniffling, Ava nodded, not realizing that Rachel couldn't see her. "Mr. Met stole Minnie."_

_Puck snorted at Ava's bad dream, earning a glare from Quinn. He'd forgotten that both Ava and David were terrified of the baseball mascot, which in his opinion just made it funnier when Mr. Met stopped by the suite since it meant that both Finn and Mike had crying toddlers attached to their legs until Mr. Met left._

_"Poor baby," Rachel cooed. "How about I sing to you?"_

_"Can Daddy sing I've got a Dream too?" Ava asked, Finn's rendition of the Tangled song never failing to amuse her._

_"That's not a bedtime song Ava, since Daddy's so funny when he sings it. How about I sing you Baby Mine from Dumbo?"_

_"Ok." She sniffled a little, no longer crying. Seeming to forget that she was in Puck's bed, she snuggled against Puck's pillow, Vlad's head resting on her leg as she listened to Rachel sing. _

**_Baby mine, don't you cry_**_  
><strong>Baby mine, dry your eyes<strong>  
><strong>Rest your head close to my heart<strong>  
><strong>Never to part, baby of mine<strong>  
><strong>Little one when you play<strong>  
><strong>Don't you mind what you say<strong>  
><strong>Let those eyes sparkle and shine<strong>  
><strong>Never a tear, baby of mine<strong>  
><strong>If they knew sweet little you<strong>  
><strong>They'd end up loving you too<strong>  
><strong>All those same people who scold you<strong>  
><strong>What they'd give just for<strong>  
><strong>The right to hold you<strong>  
><strong>From your head to your toes<strong>  
><strong>You're not much, goodness knows<strong>  
><strong>But you're so precious to me<strong>  
><strong>Cute as can be, baby of mine<strong>_

_By the time she was finished, Ava was no longer crying or sniffling, listening quietly as she held Minnie to her chest._

_"Feel better, baby mine?" Rachel asked, once again unable to see Ava nod her head yes. "Think you can go back to sleep now? Do you have Minnie?"_

_"She feels better too," Ava replied, yawning as she rubbed her eyes. "She had a bad dream like me." _

_"I'm glad you two feel better. I hate when my Ava is sad." She smiled as she heard Ava yawn again. "I'm going to let you go to sleep now, ok Chick-a-dee?"_

_"Ok." Ava yawned again, her eyes closing._

_"Oh! Guess who's here?" Rachel exclaimed._

_"Who?"_

_"Daddy! He just came in and he wants to say good night to you." She passed the phone off to Finn, quietly explaining the situation. _

_"Ava-roo! Did you call just to say good night to me and Mommy?"_

_"Hi Daddy," Ava replied, yawning again. "I had a bad dream. So did Minnie."_

_"Well Mommy made you feel better, right? She does that for me when I have a bad dream."_

_"I bet she does," Puck added, snickering._

_Ava didn't answer, simply yawning again as her eyes closed._

_"You sound tired, baby girl," Rachel cooed as she took the phone back from Finn. "Daddy and I are going to say good night now, ok? Love you."_

_"Bye princess," Finn added._

_Ava said her goodbyes, her eyes still closed._

_"Alright, A. Let's get you back to bed," Puck announced, ready to scoop her up._

_"No, Norma. I wanna stay here with you in the magic bed," Ava sleepily announced, burrowing under the covers, as did Vlad. "That bed is scary."_

_Puck shrugged, looking at Quinn. "No problem A."_

It turned out to be a _big _problem.

Unbeknownst to him, Ava was a kicker and a tosser while Vlad was simply a bed hog. Quinn's side of the bed was relatively untouched, since Vlad was between him and Ava. The Chihuahua had commandeered his pillow as both he and Ava gradually took over his side of the bed. Sick of the Chihuahua ass in his face and tired of trying to squeeze his body into the little section of the king sized bed Ava allowed him, he finally gave up and went to sleep in Ava's bed in the guest room.

He could hear voices in the kitchen and he glanced at the clock, surprised to see that it was 8:30. He yawned as he got up, knowing it was almost time for pre-school. He went back to his own room and quickly showered and dressed, joining the girls in the kitchen when he was done.

Evidently he'd missed breakfast, judging from the fact that Ava, already dressed for school in a pink ruffled t shirt and jeans with a matching pink bow on the cuffs, was currently coloring in a coloring book while Quinn corralled her wavy hair into two French braids.

"Morning ladies," he greeted them as he grabbed the required items for cereal. He sat down across from Ava, pouring his _Lucky Charms_ into his bowl.

"Hurry up and eat. You need to be at pre-school soon," Quinn directed, tying the end of one braid with an elastic band before starting on the other side.

"I know. I'm class helper or something right?" he asked between mouthfuls. "Is Dave in your class?"

"He's in Ms. _Amanda's_ class, Norma," Ava replied, rolling her eyes. "My teacher is Ms. _Fiona._"

"You're the class helper, which means you _can't_ curse. I'd go, but I have a big meeting," Quinn explained, beginning the second French braid.

"Can you bring your guitar, Norma?" Ava asked excitedly. "Mr. Steve only plays the piano when he comes."

"Yeah? Who's Mr. Steve?"

"Ms. Fiona's _husband_," Ava replied, her tone implying that Puck should have known that.

"I think it'll be fun if Norma brings his guitar as long as he sings _appropriate _songs. Maybe you can teach him a few on the way there," Quinn suggested, quickly forming the second French braid and tying it with an elastic band. "There. Your hair's all done, Ava. Go put your shoes on while I talk to Norma."

"Can I wear my cowboy boots?"

"No. Your book says you need to wear your princess sneakers," Quinn said firmly. "Go get them in your room and don't forget your frying pan for show and tell."

Ava nodded and scampered off.

"Seriously, you need to be on your best behavior. Don't do anything that could jeopardize Ava getting kicked out or affect her chances of getting into a good kindergarten. You know how competitive these schools in Manhattan are," Quinn warned. "And don't let her hit anyone with that pan. Maybe she should bring Finnessa instead."

Puck choked on his cereal for a moment before he managed to swallow. "I didn't know she brought Finnessa over."

"Yeah, I saw her in Ava's toy bag."

That was all Puck needed to hear. He turned in his chair towards the door. "Yo A! Grab Finnessa too!"

He smirked when Ava came back in a few minutes later, her Velcro princess shoes on and a frying pan in one hand, the other clutching a large doll that Quinn and Puck had given Ava for her 3rd birthday. Having found that the American Girl doll brand now made dolls designed to look like their owners, Quinn had chosen the doll with wavy dark brown hair and brown eyes, her skin tone matching Ava's. Ava had _loved_ the doll and she loved it even more upon opening it when Puck announced to the group that the doll's name was _Finnessa Evelyn,_ just like Daddy. Despite Rachel's protests, Ava had loved the name, and to Finn's annoyance, the doll was to forever be known as Finnessa Evelyn Hudson.

"Here's Finnessa, Norma," Ava announced, settling Finnessa into a chair so she could climb onto the chair she'd previously been sitting on to resume her coloring.

"Awesome. Finnessa's name starts with F, you gonna bring her too?"

Ava nodded, concentrating on coloring a picture of Maximus in her coloring book.

"Alright, lemme hit the can before we go," Puck announced as he stood up and put his bowl in the sink. "Ok, Avs?"

"Ok." She didn't bother looking up from her coloring book.

"Don't be long. You have to leave soon," Quinn warned, grabbing the magnetic note pad off the fridge.

Puck dismissed her with a wave of his hand as he headed to the bathroom.

"What are you doing?" Ava asked; looking up from her _Tangled _coloring book with interest as Quinn sank into the chair next to Minnie, paper and pen in hand.

"I'm making the shopping list for when you and Norma go food shopping," Quinn replied, scribbling on the paper.

"I want to make a list," Ava announced, immediately abandoning her coloring book once Quinn handed her a piece of notepad paper. Happily, she got to work, making out her own shopping list with her crayons as Quinn finished up her own list.

"So what do you need from the store, Ms. Ava?" Quinn asked; eyeing the scribbled lines Ava had drawn all over her paper.

"Vlad needs dog biscuits." She pointed to a squiggle near the top of the page. "See?"

Quinn nodded, adding dog biscuits to her own list. "What else?"

"Daddy's Pop-Tarts, strawberries and cheese." She gestured to the paper, pointing out the respective squiggle in turn, never noticing Quinn stealthily adding the items to her list. "Oh, and a chameleon like Pascal."

Quinn laughed. "I think the grocery store is all out of chameleons, but we can get all the other stuff. Why don't you go get your coat on? It's almost time to go to pre-school."

Ava nodded, scampering off just as Puck came back into the kitchen.

"Oh good. I just finished the grocery list. You can go after pre-school and lunch. Ava's getting her coat on and I'm just about to leave for work," Quinn announced, handing him the list and a kiss. "I put Ava's snack in her lunchbox, which is in her backpack. Just add her frying pan and Finnessa before you go and _don't curse._"

Those final directives issued, she put on her coat and headed out the door, hoping just once that Puck wouldn't be so _Puck._

* * *

><p>"And this is my cubby," Ava announced excitedly, dragging Puck over to a cubby with a picture of a pink star above it. She pulled off her coat and <em>Backpack<em> backpack, hanging them on the hook. "I'm the _pink_ star."

"I see. Very cool, A." He bent down to Ava's level, offering his fist for a fist bump. Ava, now fully fluent in Puck's different hand gestures, expertly balled her fist and bumped it against his.

"Good morning, Ava! How are you today?"

Puck and Ava both looked up to see a tall older woman standing next to them. She was dressed casually in a peasant skirt and a t-shirt, her salt and pepper hair pulled back off her face, while her glasses were dangling from a cord around her neck. Her face, devoid of any make-up, was currently fixed in a smile as she stared down at Ava.

"I'm good, Ms. Fiona," Ava replied happily. Puck stood up, recognizing the name as the name of Ava's teacher.

"And who is this? Is Mommy not here?" Ms. Fiona smiled at Puck, who held out his hand.

"That's my Uncle Norma," Ava announced, watching happily as Puck shook Ms. Fiona's hand. "Daddy took Mommy away. She brought her laun-jerry."

"Laun-jerry?" Ms. Fiona asked, curious.

"The super special pajamas only mommies can wear," Ava elaborated; a serious tone to her voice. "Daddy only packed that for Mommy, but he bought me new pajamas and Princess underwear. Mommy told him to buy underwear for him too, but he said he didn't need underwear this weekend."

Ms. Fiona turned amused eyes on Puck, who hastily swallowed the laughter that was threatening to erupt. "Ava's parents are in Barbados. It was a surprise for Rachel. I know she was supposed to be class helper today, so I'm here in her place."

"Norma brought his guitar," Ava added excitedly.

"Wonderful! Why don't you go play while I talk to Uncle Norma, Ava?"

Ava nodded happily before running off to the playhouse and disappearing inside. Puck watched her go, smiling. "It's Noah, actually. So, what do I have to do?"

"Well, the first half hour is free play, where the children are free to do what they like. Then we have Morning Meeting, followed by the letter of the week, which is F. From there, we segue into the craft, followed by snack and free play outside. Finally, we come back in for story time. Your job is just to float around and assist whoever needs it. You can play your guitar during Morning Meeting and you get to read the special story during storytime."

"Sounds good." He placed his guitar in Ava's cubby, hanging up his coat next to hers. He glanced around, looking for Ava. She'd abandoned the play house in favor of the play kitchen and was now wearing an apron and a chef's hat, busy at the stove.

"Ava's a lovely child, so well behaved," Ms. Fiona commented, watching as Ava continued cooking her pretend food before stepping over to the fridge. "She must have very good role models at home."

"Yeah, Rachel and Finn are very careful about what they say-"

"_Hey! Anybody want a beer?"_ Ava called out as she opened the fridge.

Ms. Fiona smiled knowingly at Puck, who'd blushed crimson. "I better go greet the rest of the students. Why don't you go get started? Remember, just float around, let the kids get used to you."

Puck nodded, heading over to the play kitchen. He could do this. The class was only two and a half hours.

And besides, they were three year olds. How hard could this be?

* * *

><p>It was a <em>lot <em>harder than he thought.

He'd naïvely assumed that free play meant that the kids would play and amuse themselves while he watched but he hadn't been there longer than ten minutes when that theory was proven wrong, thanks to two crying toddlers and a can of Play-Doh.

"_S'up A?"_

"_Hi, Norma! Do you want some cake?" Ava asked; pointing to the plastic cake she was currently cooking on top of the stove. The girl next to Ava smiled shyly at him as she washed the dishes. She was tiny like Ava, her blonde hair in pigtails and a toddler sized pair of glasses on her face. She was dressed in a pair of pink overalls and a white t-shirt, matching blinged out pink sparkly Velcro sneakers on her feet._

"_Sure." Not wanting a repeat of the tea table incident, he very carefully lowered himself onto the little plastic chair while Ava placed the cake on a plate in front of him, handing him a fork. "Mmmm. Taste great Avs."_

_Ava beamed at his compliment. The blonde girl finished washing her dishes and came over to the table, still smiling shyly. Puck smiled back at her before looking at Ava. "Who's your friend, A?"_

"_Violet. She's the purple triangle."_

"_S'up, Violet?" He held up his hand in a fist bump, only to see Violet stare at it._

"_You need to do a fist bump, Violet. Watch." Ava expertly demonstrated a fist bump to Violet, who giggled as she also fist bumped Puck._

"_Awesome, ladies. What are we going to do now?"_

"_Let's go color," Violet suggested. Clasping hands, the two girls ran off to their assigned chairs. Ava sat on the chair with a pink star on the back, while Violet sat next to her, a purple triangle on the back of her chair. Both girls immediately started chatting happily as they grabbed the fat crayons from the center of the table and began drawing._

_Puck followed, sitting down on a chair with a yellow circle. He snuck a glance around the room. Ms. Fiona had told him to float around, maybe he should check out another group. Several children were playing with play-doh at the next table, while another group of kids were painting nearby. Two boys were playing with Little People trucks on the floor, making the appropriate vroom noises as they pushed the trucks on the carpet. He headed over to the boys, excited to finally play with awesome boy toys._

"_S'up, guys?" he asked as he settled himself on the floor, grabbing a mail truck. The boys watched approvingly as he pushed the mail truck, making all the right noises. _

"_Norma! What are you doing? We're coloring," Ava reprimanded from her chair, Violet nodding in agreement next to her._

"_I'm playing trucks," he replied, continuing to push his truck. "You and Violet can color without me."_

"_No," Ava said firmly. "You need to color with me."_

"_I see you've inherited the Berry Bossiness gene," Puck commented, adding a vroom for effect._

"_Come color, Norma. I made you a picture."_

"_You did?" He stopped pushing his truck to stare at Ava, who nodded happily, holding up her paper. Abandoning his truck, he made his way back over to the chair with the yellow circle. _

"_Look, Norma!" Ava proudly handed him her picture for inspection. His eyes fell on several scribbled circles of different sizes and lines, standing in a row._

"_This is awesome, A! You drew lollipops!" Puck exclaimed, hoping that she really had drawn lollipops._

"_Those aren't lollipops!" Ava exclaimed with the frustration of a misunderstood artist. "Look, that's you!" She pointed to the largest circle. Now that he looked, he could see that the lines Ava had drawn were actually legs, although she hadn't given him any arms. She had however, used her black crayon to make lines shooting out of his head, which he assumed was his hair._

"_Wow, that's me?" Puck asked; laughing as Ava held her fist up for a fist bump._

"_Uh huh, and that's Aunt Quinn." She pointed to a smaller - but much wider – circle, this one with yellow lines shooting out of the top of it. Unlike him, she'd given Quinn legs **and **arms._

"_Nice. Q's going to love that you made her so wide." He gestured to an even smaller circle with two brown circles coming off of it, drawn very close to him. "That you?"_

_Ava nodded happily. "That's me, we're holding hands." He bit his tongue, resisting the urge to ask how they were holding hands if he had no arms. She pointed to the final, tiny circle, this one with both arms and legs on the bottom. "That's Vlad."_

"_Looks awesome. We'll have to hang it on the fridge. What's this one?" he asked, indicating the other paper in front of Ava._

"_That's Daddy," Ava replied, pointing to a large circle near the top of the page with squiggly brown lines for hair. Ava had drawn Finn's legs almost the length of the paper, while the circles next to him, which Puck assumed were Rachel and Ava were much smaller. "I'm going to give it to him when they come home."_

"_We better keep it safe then," Puck announced. Ava nodded happily, handing the picture over to Puck for safekeeping. He turned his attention to Violet, who'd been busy finishing up her own picture. "What did you draw, Violet?"_

_She shyly held out her paper for inspection. Like Ava's, her picture consisted of many circles and squiggles. Having learned his lesson from Ava's picture, he stared at it for a moment before carefully asking, "Looks awesome Vi. Tell me about it."_

_Violet launched happily into explaining her picture while Puck listened intently, trying to ignore the punk at the play-doh table who was staring at them._

"_Awesome." He held out his hand for another fist bump. Just as Violet bumped him, something hit him in the neck. He glanced down at the table, where the play-doh he'd been hit with had landed. Glaring at the play-doh table, he turned his attention back to Ava and Violet. "Yo A. What's with the kid at the play-doh table?"_

_Ava looked to where he was pointing, her happy expression turning sour. Beside her, Violet's expression was the same. "That's Reginald."_

"_Reginald, huh? Is he a butt-head or something?"Remembering Quinn's directive not to curse, he added an amendment to his statement, not sure if butt-head would fall under the umbrella of cursing. "Oh, don't either of you say butt-head."_

_Too late._

"_Reginald's a **big** butt-head," Ava said firmly. "He said Uncle Kurt can't have a boyfriend."_

"_And he made fun of Ava's cowboy boots when she brought them in for Show and Tell when the letter of the week was C," Violet added. "I brought in my Cookie Monster and he said that was for babies."_

"_No way! Cowboy boots and Cookie Monster are totally awesome, definitely not for babies," Puck responded, hating Reginald just as much as they did. Another piece of play-doh flew their way, landing in Violet's hair. Violet immediately began crying while Ava glared at Reginald and attempted to pluck it out of Violet's hair, only succeeding in squishing it and making it worse._

"_Dude, what's your problem? Why are you throwing play-doh?" Puck asked, calling over to the play-doh table._

"_You're in my seat," Reginald retorted, tossing another piece of play-doh at Violet, this time hitting her glasses._

"_Norma's **coloring**, Reginald," Ava said crossly, still trying to get the play-doh out of Violet's hair._

"_It's **my** seat. I'm the yellow circle," Reginald insisted. "Norma has a big butt, he's gonna break my chair."_

_Ava stared at him, temporarily lacking a smart retort, since Norma's track record of breaking chairs was still fresh in her mind. "Daddy says Norma has a big mouth **not** a big butt." _

"_What?" Puck asked, temporarily distracted from Reginald by Ava's statement. "Daddy said that?"_

"_He's going to break my chair," Reginald said firmly. Another piece of play-doh was launched, this time hitting Ava right in the center of her forehead. She promptly joined Violet in crying, leaving a bewildered Puck with two crying toddlers and more play-doh being flown their way._

"_Seriously, what is your problem? You can't be throwing play-doh at Ava and Violet!" Puck reprimanded as another piece of play-doh hit Ava and ricocheted onto Violet, who only cried harder. He got off his chair, settling onto the floor between the girls, trying to distract them. Ava immediately got off her chair and climbed into Puck's lap, still crying. Violet didn't hesitate to join them, also settling into Puck's lap, her face still stained with tears. He placed a protective arm around each girl, glaring at Reginald. "They're not throwing crayons at you."_

"_Reginald! Did I just hear Norma say you're throwing Play-doh at Violet and Ava?"Ms. Fiona scolded, correctly assessing the scene in front of her._

"_He sat in my chair!"_

"_That's no excuse to throw Play-doh, Reginald. I'm afraid you have to go sit on the Time-Out Chair." She pointed to a lone chair near the cubbies, far away from the play area._

_Ava and Violet both immediately stopped their crying, watching with wide eyes from the safety of Puck's arms as Reginald was sent to the dreaded Time-Out Chair. He sat on the chair, swinging his legs back and forth as he glared at the trio on the floor._

_Puck glared back as Ava climbed off his lap for a moment to grab a copy of 'Go, Dog. Go!' off the shelf. She handed the book to him, settling back into his lap next to Violet. "Read it to us, Norma."_

_Hoping it was better than that crappy Elmo book she'd made him read her, he opened the book and allowed each girl to rest against him as they listened. "Dog."_

"_Dog, Norma," Ava repeated, pointing to the roller skating dog in the picture._

"_Big dog. Little dog," he read, already thinking this book was giving Elmo a run for its money. "Big dogs and little dogs."_

"_Vlad's a little dog," Ava announced, pointing to the small dog on the page and leaning her head on his chest._

"_That he is," Puck agreed, noticing a brown haired girl at the next table who'd paused her coloring to listen to the story. "Black and white dogs."_

_Violet pointed to the Dalmatian riding a unicycle excitedly. "It's like Daisy, Norma."_

"_Yeah? Who's Daisy?"_

"_Daisy's my dog," Violet replied. "She looks like that."_

"_Awesome Vi." He turned the page, noting that the brown haired little girl in the Ariel t-shirt had abandoned her crayons completely and was watching him intently. He smiled at her before he read the next page. "Hello. Hello."_

_The little girl sitting at the table climbed out of her chair, sitting on the floor next to it as she listened. He smiled at her again, hoping she'd come closer so she could see the pages._

"_Do you like my hat? I do not," he read, pleased to see that the girl was inching closer. "Good bye. Good bye."_

_Violet also noticed, tugging on Puck's shirt to get his attention. "I think Molly wants to hear the story, Norma," she whispered._

"_I think you're right." He smiled at Molly, who'd stopped inching closer. "Want to listen, Molly?"_

_Molly nodded eagerly as she stood up. He expected her to sit in front of him, but to his surprise, she squeezed onto his lap, settling comfortably once Ava shifted over to the middle. Smiling down at the three of them, he turned his attention back to the book. "One little dog going in. Three big dogs going out."_

"_They're red, Norma!" Molly announced, pointing to the three red dogs. "I'm the red square."_

"_Are you really?" he asked as he turned the page. _

_Molly nodded proudly. "Red's my favorite color."_

"_Well you're in luck then," he replied, looking at the words on the page. "Because we have a red dog on a blue tree."_

_The girls laughed as he read the rest of the words on the page, and again he noticed another child inching towards him, this time a boy. He turned the page to see a bunch of dogs driving cars. "Hey Avs! These dogs are driving cars like you and Vlad!"_

_Ava pointed excitedly at the cars, agreeing with Norma. The boy who'd been watching got bold and settled at Puck's feet._

_He continued reading, earning more kids with each page until only Reginald, still in Time Out, was left. Feeling like the Pied Piper, he finished Go, Dog. Go! only to have Molly get Bears in the Night. He read that to the group, along with Violet's choice of Dora's Magic Wand, which made him chuckle, since Ava still firmly believed that Finn had a magic wand stored in his underwear, no matter how much Rachel tried to convince her otherwise._

Fortunately, Ms. Fiona had called the group to Morning Meeting, so he was spared from reading any more crappy books. The entire group scampered off to the carpet, following Ms. Fiona's directive to sit like pretzels. She swiftly guided them through their shapes and letters, placing special emphasis on the letter F. Puck stayed nearby, waiting until Morning Meeting was done, keenly aware of the glares Reginald was shooting his way.

"Ok my friends, it's time for our songs! Norma's brought his guitar, so why don't we have him play while we sing?" Ms Fiona asked enthusiastically.

"Alright, what do you guys want to hear?" Puck asked, settling down on the tiny stool in front and placing the guitar strap over his head. "Clapton? Maybe some Stones?"

"_The wheels on the bus!"_

"_Five little ducks!"_

"_What?_ You're kidding me right?" He looked at the little group assembled on the carpet expecting one of them to say _something_ good. His eyes fell on Ava, who was sitting right at his feet, staring up at him excitedly. "How about you Avs? What do you want to hear?"

"I'm a Little Teapot!"

"You sure? Don't you want to hear some Neil Diamond or Queen, like last night?" he asked desperately. She'd seemed to really like his song choices last night, maybe he could sway her.

No such luck.

"No. _I'm a Little Teapot,_" she announced as she stood up, ready to get her teapot on. The rest of the class immediately stood up, more than ready to become teapots also.

Puck sighed as he began playing the simple tune while Ms. Fiona led the class in singing. Clearly this school was lacking in musical learning if these kids thought _I'm a Little Teapot _was a good song. Mercifully the song finished and he strummed the last note trying to figure out which classic rock song would be the perfect song to introduce these kids to the awesomeness that was classic rock.

"What fantastic singers and teapots we have here! Who's going to pick next?" Ms. Fiona announced, clapping her hands. She looked around, noticing one student with his hand up. "Yes, Reginald?"

Puck followed her gaze to see that punk Reginald waving his hand wildly in the air. He waited until Ms. Fiona called on him to stand up and announce, "Uncle Norma didn't sing."

Ten pairs of eyes turned accusingly to Puck, who suddenly felt the need to defend himself. "I was playing the guitar!"

"Mr. Steve plays the piano and _he_ sings," Reginald taunted; one hand on his hip.

"Well good for Mr. Steve," Puck muttered, glancing down at Ava who was looking at him with wide eyes. He averted his gaze, knowing all too well the power of that look.

"I'm sure Uncle Norma sang, Reginald," Ms. Fiona assured him. "Now, how about we sing-"

"He_ didn't_ sing. He probably doesn't know the words," Reginald insisted.

"Norma knows the words, Reginald. He knows _everything,_" Ava cut in; ready to defend her beloved Norma. "He even knows _magic._"

"He _doesn't_ know-"

"Ok, class, focus!" Ms. Fiona called out happily, correctly sensing that this was about to escalate. "Why don't we sing _The Wheels on the Bus?_ I'm sure Norma will sing nice and loud so everyone knows he sang this time."

This seemed to mollify Reginald, since he stayed silent as everyone stood up around him. Sighing, Puck began playing the tune for _The Wheels on the Bus_, mercifully spared from having to do the hand movements but unable to get out of singing. He could feel the eyes of Reginald watching him, just _waiting_ to tell on him for not singing. Refusing to give Reginald anything, he made sure to sing extra loud.

Reginald continued watching him as he helped Ms. Fiona get the kids into a circle for show and tell once they'd started discussing the letter F. Puck suffered through show and tell, clapping politely with each F item that the kids showed. Molly had just showed her Figit Friend when things got interesting.

Ava, sitting next to Molly, proudly stood up. "I brought _two _things, Ms. Fiona."

"Wonderful! What are they?"

"This is my frying pan, just like the one Rapunzel uses," Ava explained as she picked up her frying pan off the floor. "I hit Norma with it yesterday."

"I see. What else did you bring?" Ms. Fiona asked, casting amused eyes at Puck.

Ava picked her doll up off the floor, proudly holding her out for the class to see. "This is my doll that looks like me. Norma got her for me. Her name is Finnessa Evelyn Hudson."

Reginald, who Ms. Fiona had wisely seated next to herself, scoffed. "_Finnessa?_ That's a dumb name."

"Finnessa Evelyn Hudson is _Daddy_'s name." Ava glared at him, one hand on her hip. "It's _not_ dumb. Finnessa is a pretty name, that's why Grandma named Daddy that, right Norma?"

"Right, A," Norma confirmed, not bothering to point out that Finn's given name was actually Finnegan. "Why don't you ignore him and tell the class about Finnessa?"

Ava looked appeased for a minute but was unable to say anything since Reginald opened his mouth again.

"It's dumb," Reginald insisted. "Your doll is ugly too."

Puck snuck a glance at Ava, who looked like she was getting ready to go Rapunzel on Reginald with her frying pan. Ms. Fiona seemed to think the same thing because she wisely reached over and plucked the frying pan out of Ava's hand, holding it up for the class to see in an attempt to diffuse the situation. "Reginald! We do not speak like that to each other! Go sit in the Time-Out chair until we're done."

Puck smirked at Reginald stalked over to the chair again, a scowl on his face. Ms. Fiona waited until he was seated before she turned back to the class. "Look class! We have another 'F' item to add to our list!" She quickly drew a picture of a frying pan on her chart, writing the words next to it before turning to Violet. "What did you bring, Violet?"

Puck half listened as Violet showed off her Princess Fiona doll. He snuck another look at Reginald, who was now glaring in his direction. Reginald may be in Time-Out for the moment, but he'd be free soon enough and Puck had a feeling he'd be gunning for both him and Ava.

They managed to make it through the rest of the Morning Meeting without incident and moved onto letter tracing back at their tables. Puck floated from table to table, helping kids trace the letter F and color in the picture of a farmer and a fireman, which he assumed was the craft Ms. Fiona had mentioned.

He couldn't be more wrong.

He'd just finished putting the special scented stickers on each student's paper when Ms Fiona did the special clap that by now he knew meant she wanted their attention. He looked up wondering if it was snack time, when Ms. Fiona announced that it was time for the special craft. She modeled the fishbowl they were going to make, making a big deal out of the colored fish and putting the fish in numerical order. Puck groaned when he realized that the craft involved painting which mean that he and Ms. Fiona had to help each child put on a smock and put out the paint.

Once her table was called, Ava ran over to her cubby and got her smock, which turned out to be one of Finn's old dress shirts. The shirt, worn backwards, was like a gown on her and he'd mentally cursed Finn as he rolled up the enormous sleeves for her so she could happily get to work painting blue water on the fish bowl cutout Ms. Fiona had given everyone, her frying pan on the table beside her. Next to her, in _her_ father's old dress shirt, was Violet and the two of them chatted as they painted, Finnessa and Princess Fiona sharing the empty chair between Violet and Reginald. Satisfied that they were ok for the moment, Puck wandered over to the next table, helping the kids paint their bowls and cut their fish out. He was just helping Molly cut her fish out when he heard it.

_"No! No, Reginald! Don't do it!"_

Violet's voice, sounding dangerously close to tears, made him look up in alarm. Reginald was holding his paint laden sponge brush dangerously close to Violet's hair.

"Whoa, dude, I don't think so. No painting Violet's hair," Puck scolded, racing over to the table and firmly moving Reginald's arm back into his own space. Hoping that stopped the situation, he turned his attention back to the other tables, making sure that everyone was coloring the fish in correctly.

_"No! Norma said no! Don't!"_

Once again, he looked over at Ava's table to see Reginald's sponge brush ready to paint Violet's hair blue. This time however, Ava got to Reginald before he could, grabbing her frying pan and using it to hit the sponge brush out of Reginald's hand. While it was successful in keeping Violet's hair yellow, it had the unfortunate effect of making the brush fly out of Reginald's hand; landing squarely on Finnessa's face and making her look like a creature from _Avatar. _Princess Fiona suffered also, her face getting the splatter from the sponge as it hit Finnessa, causing her to look like she had blue Chicken Pox. The lack of a sponge brush evidently wasn't a problem for Reginald; he took his blue paint covered hands and simply pulled on Violet's pigtail, streaking her hair with blue paint. Violet promptly started crying while Ava stared open mouthed at her beloved Finnessa.

"Hey! I told you to keep your hands to yourself!" Puck scolded, coming to Violet's aid. "Stop that right now!"

"Violet _wants_ blue hair," Reginald insisted, having picked his brush up off the floor to launch another attack.

"Hate to tell you bro, but Violet does _not_ want blue hair." He crouched down low next to Violet just as Reginald aimed his brush at her again. The fact that Puck's head was blocking his view of Violet didn't deter Reginald, since his sponge brush darted out anyway, earning Puck an earful of blue paint. "Dude! _No more_! Look what you've done!"

Ms. Fiona swiftly came over, surveying the damage. Ava now had Finnessa in her lap, trying to wipe the blue paint off with her hand, but only succeeding in smearing it more, making her look like a Smurf while the paint on her hands was now getting all over Finnessa's clothes and hair. Next to her, a still crying Violet, was clutching at her Princess Fiona as she tried to dodge Reginald's blue hands while Puck had stood up, trying to rid his eardrum of blue paint and failing miserably. "Reginald! Did you paint Violet's hair blue?"

"Yes I did," Reginald answered candidly as he resumed painting his fish bowl blue.

"To the Time-Out _Table,_" Ms. Fiona demanded, pointing firmly at an isolated table in the corner. The rest of the class watched with fearful eyes as she led Reginald over to the isolation table, the first in the class to have to sit there.

Puck set to work trying to clean up the damage Reginald had left behind, crouching down between Ava and Violet, both of whom were still sniffling. "Let me see, girls."

Ava sadly held up Finnessa, Violet doing the same with Princess Fiona and if the situation wasn't so dire, Puck would've burst out laughing at the heartbreaking looks on the girls faces. Ava threw her arms around Puck; leaving two toddler sized blue handprints on the back of his shirt. "Look at Finnessa, Norma!"

Unsure of what to do, he glanced at Ms. Fiona who quickly took charge of the situation, leading Violet off to get the paint out of her hair and clean up Princess Fiona. He took Finnessa from Ava, convincing her to return to her craft while he attempted to clean up Finnessa and more importantly, get the paint out of his ear. Reginald had scored a direct hit in his ear canal and he was starting to only hear out of one ear as the paint congealed. In theory, this sounded like a good idea, but every time he tried to go clean off himself and Finnessa, somebody needed _something_ and he found himself running from table to table, helping kids glue their fish in the right order or handing out more paint.

He naïvely thought the paint was the worst of it until Ms. Fiona announced that she had a special surprise: _glitter_. As official class helper, he was in charge of the red and gold glitter, while Ms. Fiona handled the green and blue. He watched the teacher out of the corner of his eye as she swiftly and efficiently put glitter on the green and blue fish, dumping the excess back into the can with a practice air. Figuring he'd do the same, he started at Ava's table, helping the kids outline the red fish with glue first.

"I can do it, Norma," Ava announced, lunging for the red glitter.

"Whoa, Rugrat. Let me help you." He helped her pour the red glitter on her fish, noting that a _lot_ more glitter had come out than when the teacher did it. "Hmm. You got a lot of glitter there, A. Why don't we put some on Violet's fish?"

Ava nodded and picked up her paper before Puck could. He tried to help her dump the excess onto Violet's fish, but she only succeeded in dumping the glitter all over the table and his hands. The wet paint still on his hands was as good as glue and he found himself just as glittered as Ava's fish. Sighing, he moved onto the next kid's paper, figuring there was nothing he could do about his glittered hands other than mentally add the person who'd invented glitter to his Shit List, which currently included, Quinn, Rachel, Finn and that punk Reginald.

By the time he'd gotten around to all 10 students, he was wearing more glitter than he'd poured and no matter how many times he washed his hands or helped the kids wash theirs, his hands were never glitter free.

Almost before he knew it, the craft was done, and snack time had come and gone. Outdoor free play had seen him become Ava's and (a fully blonde again) Violet's personal swing pushers and the entire class enjoyed having him run in circles as he spun them on the merry-go-round until they were dizzy and he was panting, getting secret satisfaction when Reginald began to feel sick and had to sit down in the grass. Puck was just as popular on the see-saw when he sat on one end and Ava, Violet, Molly, and several other girls sat on the other side and got stuck up in the air when he claimed he was glued to the ground, suddenly becoming unglued and lowering them to the ground when they least expected it. The entire class wanted to take turns getting stuck in the air once they saw the girls do it and he spent the rest of the outdoor time on the see-saw. At one point, he had all ten students on the other side of the see-saw waiting anxiously for him to become unglued.

As a result of his playground popularity, Finnessa remained blue and his ear remained clogged with blue paint. As promised, Ms. Fiona ushered her group inside to hear Puck read the special story, which turned out to be a book called _Down on the Funny Farm. _Much like the books he found himself reading lately, this book sucked and he'd never been more thrilled to get to the end of a book, especially since it meant that pre-school was _over._

His final task as class helper was to help the students pack up and get their coats on so they could line up, a task easier said than done, especially with a recently freed from isolation Reginald pushing his way through the group and whacking everyone with his schoolbag. Eventually though, he got them lined up and ready for pick up, officially freeing him from pre-school hell.

"Ready to go, A?" he asked, holding out a still glittered hand to her after she said good bye to Violet and Molly. "Got your frying pan and Finnessa?"

"Finnessa's still blue, Norma," Ava commented sadly, turning so that he could see Finnessa's blue face sticking out of her backpack.

"We'll have to wash her in the tub when we get home, ok?" he promised as they walked out the door. "Pre-school always this exciting?"

Ava nodded happily. "Isn't it fun?"

"Yeah," he replied, the earful of blue paint still fresh on his mind. "It was a total blast."

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><p><strong><em>AN: Ok, there's actually more to this segment but I had to break it up because it's already huge. The next part of this will be up tomorrow night or Tuesday and you'll find out the fate of Finnessa Evelyn Hudson as well as find out who Quinn once had the hots for :)_**


	18. The NORMArizing of Ava, Part III

_**Disclaimer: Glee is not mine**_

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><p><em><strong>No matter how old you are, no matter how badass you think you are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone... you answer it.<strong>_

_**-Unknown**_

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><p>Rachel stretched, perfectly content with life at the moment. The hotel Finn had chosen was on an amazing stretch of beach, which was why she found herself stretched out on a lounge chair soaking up the sun as she stared out at the crystal blue waters of the Caribbean Sea, a book on her lap and a smoothie by her side. Finn lay next to her, one hand softly stroking her leg as he relaxed. Still staring out to sea, she took a sip of her smoothie, leaning over to place a soft kiss on Finn's lips, letting him taste the cold drink.<p>

"What was that for?" he asked, staring at her behind his sunglasses. "Not that I'm complaining."

"For being you." She kissed him again, the taste of the mango smoothie still on her lips. "For arranging this vacation, even if my poor Ava did have to go to Noah's."

"She's having a blast at Norma's, baby, you know she is. He's like a child himself," Finn promised, stroking her leg a little harder. "I hope she makes him watch _Max and Ruby_ a million times."

Rachel laughed. "Well she had pre-school today, but maybe they can have a marathon tomorrow. I packed a bunch of her DVDs. Next time we call, I'll remind her."

"And that's why I love you," he replied, leaning up to kiss her.

"I thought you loved me for my superb vacuuming skills all this time." She quirked an eyebrow at him, a little smirk on her face.

"Well you know I_ love_ the way you vacuum." He sat up on his elbows, watching as Rachel stood up. "Where are you going?"

"In the water." She started walking towards the water, her hips sashaying seductively. She looked at Finn over her shoulder. "Coming, baby?"

Finn didn't need to be told twice, jumping out of his chair to scoop her up as she squealed. He waded out into the clear blue water, waiting until he was thigh deep to toss Rachel into the water.

She emerged a few seconds later, wrapping her arms around his neck to climb up his body and wrap her legs around his torso. "Very funny, Finny. I think you should take me out in the deeper water now."

"Yeah? Why should I do that?" he asked, knowing perfectly well why he should and already walking into the deeper water.

"I think it would be in your best interest, Finny-Bear," she replied, kissing the tip of his nose as he walked. "Bring me into deeper water and I'll give you another kiss."

"Oh, really? Where else are you gonna kiss me?" He tightened his hold on her as he kept walking.

"Well, I _could_ kiss here." She placed a kiss just below his ear, taking his earlobe in her teeth for a moment before releasing it. Her lips pressed a few kisses lightly against along his jawbone. "Or there."

"That's it?" he pouted, trying to ignore how he was feeling from the kisses she was still placing on his jaw.

She picked her head up to look at him sternly. "If you had let me finish, I would have explained that that's _not_ my favorite place to kiss you."

"Then explain away, because I'd really like to know," Finn replied cheekily, fully aware of where her favorite place to kiss him was.

Rachel gave her explanation in the form a kiss, her tongue easily slipping into his mouth as he waded out into the deeper water. She waited until they were far enough from the shore before reaching down between them and slipping a hand in his bathing suit to stroke him.

He grinned against her lips. "Sex in public? After what happened last time? Who are you and what have you done with my wife?"

"While Artie was none the wiser, nevertheless we will not be partaking in public fornication in the middle of the Caribbean Sea," Rachel announced as she continued to stroke his now hardened member.

"Come on, there's no one around us," he murmured as he kissed her neck.

"Do you _know_ how much bacteria is in the water? That would get inside of me and-"

"Enough talking babe," Finn breathed as he captured her lips in a deep kiss, responding to the faster strokes her hand was now doing. Truth be told, he was a little shocked she was even doing _that_, given what had happened last time, but he wasn't about to stop her. This was really the first time since they'd arrived in Barbados that they'd worn clothes for an extended period of time and if she was in the mood to do _anything_ sexual, he was more than willing to go along with it, clothes or not.

Rachel kissed him feverishly as she continued to stroke him. He held her with one hand, the other coming up to rest over her bikini top to fondle her. They continued kissing, fondling and stroking until Finn gave a grunt. "Shit, Rach baby I'm there."

Still kissing, she gave him a few more frenzied strokes until he came forcefully in the water. She stroked him a few more times as his head dropped onto her shoulder. She smiled as she felt his lips start placing gentle kisses on her shoulder, pulling her hand out of his bathing suit.

The hand he'd been using to fondle her chest moved the fabric triangle to the side and he lowered his head to kiss the exposed breast, sucking on the soft skin as Rachel threw her head back. "_Finn…_"

"Yes baby?" he asked innocently, pushing aside the material of the other triangle to pop her breast out. He trailed his mouth across her chest to suck on the newly freed breast. She gave a small mewl, her hands tugging at his hair as he continued his ministrations.

"_Finny…"_ Her eyes closed in pleasure and she arched her back as he placed soft kisses on her breast.

"I'm right here, Muffin," he responded, swirling his tongue around one pert nipple as his arms gripped her tighter. He grinned against her chest when he felt her grind herself against him. "Did you need something?"

"_Babe!…Oh!…_" she moaned as she felt him lightly bite her.

He decided to press his luck and see if he could get her to have sex in the water even if there was bacteria. He removed his mouth from her breast to give her a slow, sensual kiss, the kind of kiss that he usually reserved for letting Rachel know he was in the mood for a prolonged lovemaking session, rather than a quick romp between the sheets.

Hoping she was distracted enough, he slipped the hand not supporting Rachel between her legs, running a finger lightly against her fabric covered core, simultaneously slipping his tongue into her mouth. Carefully, he inched his finger towards the edge of her bathing suit, letting it slide under the material. Rachel seemed sufficiently distracted by his mouth since she hadn't stopped him yet, so he began caressing her core with his finger.

And promptly pressed his luck too far because Rachel immediately stilled and pulled her lips from his. "Finn, I told you. _Bacteria._ It'll-"

"I know, I know. It'll get inside of you," he pouted, pulling his finger out of her bikini bottom. "But what if _I_ wanted to get inside of you?"

Smiling, she leaned her head against his forehead and adjusted her bathing suit back over her breasts. "I'd say you're in luck then, because I'm suddenly in the mood to go inside for a little while."

He grinned, kissing her again as he did an about face and started walking towards the shore with her still securely in his arms. "Aren't you glad that you're here with me then instead of with Ava at pre-school?"

She laughed, wrapping her arms around his neck tightly as she kissed him hard. "Why? Aren't we going to have naptime now? That's why I was in the mood to go inside, you know."

He pulled his face away from hers to stare incredulously. "If you think you can kiss me like _that_ and then expect me to let you take a nap, you don't know me at all, baby."

Rachel laughed again as she kissed him a few more times, teasing his bottom lip with her teeth. "Well since I know you like the back of my hand, I _know_ that you've got big plans for us as soon as we get inside, plans that I'm _sure_ don't involve our bathing suits."

"Exactly babe," he agreed as he walked out of the water, still carrying his wife. "It'll be our Honeymoon all over."

"Yeah? You're going to be scared of a little lagoon shark again?" she teased, laughing at the memory.

"For the last time, I didn't _know_ it was harmless!" he insisted, making his way over to their chairs. "It's still a shark!"

"You looked so funny running away from it!" She kept laughing as she slid down his pouting body to quickly grab their things. Running her fingers along Finn's bare stomach suggestively, she looked up at him. "Are you going to pout all day, baby?"

"Maybe," he replied stubbornly, his sex plans forgotten as he crossed his arms to stare at his still laughing wife. To prove his point, he sat on the edge of the lounge chair.

Surprised, Rachel arched an eyebrow as she nudged his legs apart to stand between them. "Why are you mad? It was funny. Now come on, up."

"Nope. I think I'm just gonna hang out on this lounge chair."

"Finny-Bear, _get up._ It's no big deal," Rachel promised, leaning in close to kiss him. "Why can't you laugh about it now?"

"You didn't find it so funny when you were humiliated on that first cruise we went on," Finn replied, ignoring the little kisses she was placing along his jaw. "We _still_ aren't allowed to talk about that."

Rachel stood up, her eyes dark. "That was an entirely different situation and you know it."

"How?"

"Baby, do you really want to talk about this now?" She leaned in close to him, grazing her lips over his for a moment. "When we could be using our mouths for _other_ things?"

He stared up at her, his resolve crumbling as she took his hands and ran them up her body. Judging by the look in her eyes, he knew she wanted sex and wanted it _bad_. This had been evident from the moment they'd gotten here since she'd stripped him of his clothes almost immediately (which in his opinion made her the most _awesomest _wife ever), but it was even more apparent now. He wanted it just as much as she did, but felt she should suffer a little for laughing at him.

Unfortunately for him, he'd never been able to resist her. He placed his hands on her rear end, cupping her as he began to gently massage her behind. "So let me get this straight. I can stay here and pout-"

"Alone," Rachel stressed, her hands resting on his shoulders.

"I can stay here and pout, all alone or I can go back to my room and have fantastic sex with my smoking hot wife?" he asked, pretending to mull over his options. "What to do, what to do?"

"Let me help you decide." She leaned in close, whispering something in his ear.

Finn's eyes lit up at her words. "_Really_, babe? I thought that was off-limits? You hate when I watch you."

"I'm willing to make an exception for today and _only_ today," she explained, desperate enough to get him into the bedroom to promise the one sexual act she didn't particularly care for. "But I get what _I_ want first."

"In that case, I better take advantage." He stood up, taking the bag of their beach stuff from Rachel and slipped his hand into hers, letting her practically drag him back to their room.

The second the door shut firmly behind them, she shimmied out of her bikini, kicking it away as she walked towards Finn. She lunged for her husband, making him drop the bag he'd been holding as he caught her in his arms. Backing up until he was against the desk, he kissed her all over her face as she used her hands to lower his bathing suit, letting it fall to his ankles. Satisfied that he was freed of his clothing, she placed her feet on the desk behind him as she snaked her arms around his neck.

Still kissing Rachel, he supported her with one arm under her thighs while he used the other to guide himself into her. They both moaned at the sensation, their mouths swallowing the noise. Almost reluctantly he broke apart from her, his lustful eyes watching the movement of her body as he began bouncing her up and down in his arms. There was nothing he loved more than the feeling of Rachel's silky walls clenched around him and even after having one child, she was _still_ the sexiest thing he'd ever seen.

"_Finn…yes!" _she moaned. "_Right there baby…"_ Her eyes were currently screwed shut as she bounced, her back arched and her mouth puckered in a way that was begging to be kissed.

He complied, capturing her lips mid-bounce and swallowing her screams. He released her lips as she screamed his name again, loving the way it flowed from her mouth. He continued helping her bounce in his arms until she gave a primal scream and came apart in his arms, bringing him with her.

They exchanged a few slow kisses as Finn pulled himself out of her and walked them over to the bed. He placed her on the bed, climbing on after her to mold himself to her back as his arms pulled her to him. His chin found its usual resting place on her shoulder as he felt her snuggle into him. "Love you, baby."

"Love you too, Finny." She turned her head to give him a light kiss and he could see her face take on a thoughtful tone as she turned back around. "Do you think Noah's behaving himself around Ava?"

He placed a reassuring kiss on her shoulder. "I'm sure Quinn's reining him in."

"You think so? Maybe I should have someone check on them," Rachel fretted. "I hope he didn't get us kicked out of pre-school."

"I'm sure we would have gotten a phone call from Ms. Fiona or Quinn."

"Still, I should send-"

"Rachel, they're _fine_," Finn said firmly. "Now come on, it's Cuddle Time."

"In a minute. I just need to use the bathroom." She removed herself from his grasp and climbed out of bed, discreetly grabbing her cell phone out of her bag as she went past. Closing the bathroom door behind her, she sat down on the toilet.

No matter what Finn said, Rachel was convinced that Ava was being corrupted, which was why she needed another report. She quickly sent off a text to Burt, asking him to check on Ava. Relieved when he agreed, she left her phone in the bathroom so Finn wouldn't know what she'd done and climbed back into bed and a waiting Finn's arms.

He cuddled her close, resting his chin on her shoulder for a minute. "So I'm assuming Burt's going to check on Ava and Puck?"

She turned in surprise. "How did you know?"

"Subtlety's never been your strong suit, babe," he replied laughing. "Mercedes is away as are your parents, Tina's got company and Kurt and Blaine are on a business trip. That leaves Burt."

"Well if he has to be in the city anyway, it's only natural that he pays his granddaughter a visit," Rachel huffed.

"Oh of course," Finn agreed mockingly.

She ignored his tone, snuggling against him. They lay quietly for a few moments, Finn's hand running through her still wet hair. "What are you thinking, Finny?"

"Nothing," he replied, not about to tell her what he was really thinking. Despite what he'd told Rachel, he secretly thought sending Burt over to Puck's on a reconnaissance mission was a good idea. He didn't know what Burt was going to find, but he knew one thing.

Whatever it was, it was going to be interesting.

* * *

><p>Puck sighed as he scratched his still blue ear, mentally reliving his pre-school experience and cursing Quinn out at the same time. He'd rinsed his ear out as soon as he could, but no matter how much he scrubbed, he couldn't get rid of all the paint.<p>

Things hadn't gotten any easier when they'd got home. Ava had insisted on displaying every picture and piece of work she'd made at preschool on the fridge but was immediately appalled when he didn't have alphabet magnets. He tried to show her the magnets they did have, but apparently if they aren't the _exact _alphabet magnets Ava had at her house, then they clearly weren't magnets.

Which meant that alphabet magnets were added to the shopping list.

Ava had forgotten the magnet debacle once she remembered poor Finnessa was patiently waiting for her bath. They'd filled up the sink and left Finnessa to soak while they made lunch and went food shopping.

Ava had chatted happily throughout lunch, wanting to know more about his double date with Belle and Beast. He'd filled her in on what a crappy bowler Beast was and how he and Quinn had totally whipped Belle and Beast's asses causing Belle to get into a fight with Beast. He grinned at her incredulous face taking in every word as he finished his lunch and stood up, ready to get food shopping over with.

"Shit." He groaned as he placed his plate in the dishwasher, trying to figure out where he'd left the list Quinn had made. He hadn't seen it since he added her magnets to the list. "Shit shit _shit._"

"What?"

Startled, he looked over at the table where Ava was finishing her peanut butter and jelly sandwich. "Nothing A. I just can't remember where I left the list Q made."

"I have a list!" She reached for her crayons and coloring book, still scattered all over the kitchen table. She held up her paper with all the scribbles on it. "See?"

He laughed. "That's great, Avs, but I need the list Q made too." He turned back to the counter. "Where did I put that fucking list? Q's gonna kill me if I lost it. Why don't you go put your coat on?"

He watched Ava run off as he checked Vlad's bowls, making sure he had water and food before he went into the hall. Clearly, they were going to have to go to Schuester's for a new list.

"Ready, A?" he called out, pulling on his coat. He was just closing the closet door when Ava emerged from her bedroom and the sight of her made him burst out laughing.

"I'm ready to go food shopping, Norma," she announced. She'd put on her coat as requested, but she'd accessorized with her purple Rapunzel pocketbook and a pair of Minnie Mouse sunglasses. Like Minnie's famous dress, the pink heart shaped frames had tiny white polka dots on them and a small picture of Minnie herself in the lower corner. Never one to leave her stuffed Minnie Mouse home, Ava had placed her next to Sergeant VonFuzzyBear in the baby seat of the pink shopping cart she was currently pushing towards the front door.

"Sounds good but we need to go see Q first and get a new list, ok?"

She nodded, following him out the door and into the elevator. While Quinn could normally make the commute over to Madison Avenue in about 10-15 minutes, Ava's shopping cart encumbered them on the busy streets of Manhattan, causing them to arrive at her building a half hour later.

"Hold the elevator!" Puck called out, wishing Ava would push her shopping cart a little faster. They'd already been hampered by the stupid shopping cart on the crowded streets of Manhattan and it wasn't easy getting Ava and her shopping cart through the revolving door of Quinn's office building since Ava had refused his help, resulting in a traffic jam of people waiting to get into the building behind her.

Fortunately, someone held the elevator door open and they made it into the crowded elevator relatively quickly, Ava only hitting two people with her cart as she tried to turn it around. Luckily, the other occupants of the elevator seemed to find it amusing and the ones who didn't were busy on their cell phones anyway. Ava smiled up at them, her eyes taking everything in behind her Minnie glasses.

Puck watched curiously as Ava opened her Rapunzel purse and pulled out her little pink Princess cell phone, holding it up to her ear. "Hello?" He bit back a laugh at Ava imitating the people on their cell phones until she tugged on his pants and held the phone up to him. "It's for you."

Surprised and embarrassed, he glanced down at her. "Me? Who is it?"

She held the phone up to him again, her eyes wide. "It's _Flynn."_

"Who the hell is Flynn? Do you mean _Finn_? I mean, Daddy?" Confused, he snuck at a glance at the other occupants of the elevator, many of whom wore amused looks. One of them, a tall woman with dark hair that Ava had hit with her cart, was now staring at her intently, a strange look appearing on her face when he'd mentioned Finn. He thought he recognized her as Finn's old secretary, but he wasn't sure. Marriage must have ruined his hot chick radar because he thought he'd remember if Finn had had a secretary like _that_.

Ava rolled her eyes. "Norma, it's _Flynn Rider. _He wants to talk to you and he's _mad_."

Not about to take an imaginary phone call in the middle of a crowded elevator, he thought fast. "Tell him I'm not here."

Ava nodded, repeating his words into her phone before she went quiet for a moment. She held the phone up to him again. "He says he heard your voice."

_Crap. _He thought he'd sidestepped it. "Find out what he wants."

Immediately, she put the phone up to her ear again, listening before she reported back to him. "He's _mad._ You and Aunt Quinn went bowling with Belle and Beast without him."

Several occupants of the elevator were now having trouble keeping straight faces and he gave in, deciding to play along and give the occupants a show. "_What_? Q called, but Rapunzel said they were busy that night. Gimme that phone."

Ava handed the phone over to him. "He's _really _mad, Norma."

Holding the pink princess cell phone up to his ear, he glanced down at Ava, trying not to laugh at the expression on her face. "Hey Rider, what's the problem?...You better talk to Rapunzel because Q called and she said you were gonna wash her hair or some girly thing like that…yeah I know, she can be a pain, I remember when we used to date-… what?... hey, it was a long time ago, before she even knew you and all she ever wanted to do was comb her hair, like _that's_ any fun. I'd never been so bored…you should be glad she lost the hair, maybe she won't be so boring now…_what!_...like anyone named _Eugene_ is going to kick my butt…you serious?...no that's no good, I take my nap then, so does Avs…3:00? Fine, A and I will be there, you better show."

"What happened, Norma?" Ava asked; her eyes wide as she took the phone back and put it in her purse. Many of their fellow elevator riders were now laughing outright, although the woman he thought was Finn's old secretary was smiling sadly at Ava.

Barely able to keep a straight face himself, Puck looked down at Ava. "Yo A, you believe this? He wants to have a smolder-off after naptime."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Like his smolder face could ever beat mine." He put his face into his best smolder, ignoring the laughter coming from the other riders. "That's how I got Aunt Quinn, you know."

"_Really_?" Ava's eyes went even wider behind her glasses, if that was possible and he once again had trouble keeping a straight face.

"Totally. I gave her _the_ _look_ and she was mine, forgot all about that loser Gaston she wanted to date."

"But Gaston likes _Belle_," Ava commented, her tone incredulous at the fact that Quinn could like the mean Gaston but suspicious of Norma at the same time.

"I know. It's a good thing I gave Q the smolder, otherwise she'd _still_ be waiting for Gaston to get over Belle. Quinn's always had a thing for studly men but between you and me, I think he was drinking the _special_ juice. _My_ muscles are all real." He flexed for Ava as the elevator dinged, signaling they'd arrived at the 23rd floor. "This is us, Avs."

He held open the elevator door, keeping it open until Ava had pushed her shopping cart out. They'd just started making their way towards Quinn's office when a familiar voice stopped them.

"Hey, Puck! How's it going?" Will Schuester's pleasant voice rang out, causing Ava to crash her shopping cart into Puck's legs when he stopped short. "And is that Ava?"

"Hey, Will," Puck responded, holding out a hand to Will.

"S'up?" Ava added, making Puck unsure of whether to cringe or laugh.

"What are you two doing here together?" Will asked, looking down at Ava, now busy readjusting Minnie, who'd slipped on her side against the Sergeant when the cart had crashed into Puck.

"A's staying with us for the weekend and we just came by to see Quinn for a minute before we go food shopping. Right, Avs?"

"Norma lost the fucking list," Ava announced, pushing her Minnie glasses up her nose. "Aunt Quinn has to make a new one."

Will arched an eyebrow as he stared at Puck. "I see."

"Right, uh, we better get going," Puck cut in quickly. "Gotta catch Quinn between meetings. Come on A. Say bye to Will."

"Bye!" Ava called out, already pushing her shopping cart down the hallway, blissfully unaware of how mortified her mother was going to be when she found out about she'd said to Finn's boss.

"See you later," Puck added, hurrying after Ava, who'd stopped to fist bump Artie and was regaling him with tales of pre-school. "Hey, Abrams."

"I see you've Puckified Ava," Artie commented. "How much of a head start you think Rachel will give you before she hunts you down and tears you apart?"

"I'm not worried." He waved a hand dismissively. "Q in her office?"

"She should be," Artie replied. "I saw her heading that way."

"Awesome. Come on, A."

Artie wheeled alongside them as they made their way to Quinn's office, finding Quinn seated at her desk. She arched an eyebrow at them as they filed in.

"Let me guess. You lost the list?" she asked, directing her question to her husband, who nodded sheepishly. She rolled her eyes as she got out a piece of computer paper, quickly writing out a new list. She peered at him as she handed him the list. "Why is your ear blue?"

"Don't ask," he muttered, accepting the list and tucking it into his pocket.

"Reginald stuck his paintbrush in Norma's ear," Ava announced. "He painted Violet's hair blue too so I hit him with my frying pan."

Artie snorted, not bothering to hide his laughter. Behind the desk, Quinn was doing the same. "Sounds like you had an exciting day at pre-school with Norma, Ava."

Ava nodded, pushing her glasses up her nose. "Finnessa got hit with a paint brush too."

"Ready to go, Avs?" Puck cut in before Ava could say anything about him singing nursery rhymes.

She nodded again, already turning her cart towards the door.

"Oh, Puck. Will's called an emergency meeting at three today so you'll have to take Ava to tap," Quinn announced, coming out from behind the desk to walk them to the elevator.

_Fuck._

He stared at his wife, horrified by her words as she ushered them out the door and back to the elevator, Artie just behind her. "No. No, you _said_ you'd take her to dance. That's chick land."

"I would, but I have a meeting I can't miss. You'll be fine," she promised, pressing the button for the elevator. "You two have fun shopping, ok? Don't let Norma get too many boxes of cookies, Ava."

"Got it," Ava replied seriously, adjusting Minnie in her cart again. "No cookies, Norma."

Puck sighed as Quinn hurriedly kissed him good bye and waddled off with Artie, already dreading tap. He followed Ava into the crowded elevator, wondering if he could convince her that tap was for babies.

Ava might believe a lot of stuff he told her, but somehow he doubted that she'd buy it if he told her dance class was for babies.

He should've scheduled the smolder off for 3:30.

* * *

><p>"What time is it?" Rachel asked as she snuggled into Finn, her fingers idly tracing the contours of his chest while his fingers found their way into her hair.<p>

"I have no idea, babe," he replied honestly, curling a strand of hair around his finger. "But I'm hoping it's time for another round."

"You're insatiable, you know that?" She slapped his chest lightly, kissing the point of impact.

"Something you've always been grateful for," he teased, yawning. "Sometimes I think you like it more than I do."

"You're tired, baby," Rachel commented as she rested her chin on his chest to stare up at him. "Sleep."

He complied, rolling them over until he was able to bury his face in her neck and drape an arm over her chest to the annoyance of Rachel, who promptly shimmied out from under his arm. He looked up at her in surprise. "Ray, what are you doing?"

"You need to sleep, I need to shower," she replied, sitting up in bed.

Finn rolled onto his back, his fingers lightly grazing her own bare back as he stared at her. "You're not going to stay here with me?"

"Nope." She turned around, leaning over to kiss him lightly. "You need to sleep and I need to get this salt water off me."

Without waiting for his answer, she climbed out of bed, knowing that his eyes were following the movement of her naked body as she walked into the bathroom. She turned on the water, fully expecting him to be behind her but surprised when he wasn't. A quick peek out the bathroom door revealed a still naked Finn sprawled out on the bed, his eyes closed. Smiling at the sight, she rummaged through her toiletry bag gathering all the things she needed for her shower. Quietly she slipped under the running water, rinsing the salt and sex off her body. She'd just poured body wash on her loofah when the shower door opened and Finn slipped in behind her.

"I didn't think you were going to be joining me," Rachel commented over her shoulder as she used the loofah to lather her body. She smiled as Finn plucked the loofah out of her hand, running it gently across her back. "What about your nap?"

"Have I _ever_ turned down a chance to see you wet and naked?" He squeezed the loofah out over her shoulder, letting the soap run down the front of her body. Tenderly, he began using the loofah to distribute the soap across her chest.

"Fair point," Rachel conceded; her eyes closed in pleasure and she leaned back against him while he continued to lather her. He ran the loofah over every part of her body, not stopping until he was satisfied that she was sufficiently soaped up. Dropping the loofah on the floor of the shower, he stepped around her and aimed the showerhead at her, slowly rinsing off the soap he'd painstakingly lathered on her body. He moved behind her again, leaning his head down low.

"_Look into my eyes and you will see/What you mean to me/Search your heart-Search your soul/And when you find me there, you'll search no more,_" Finn sang into her ear, silencing her as his arms wrapped around her torso. "_You know it's true/Everything I do/I do it for you."_

"Mmm. I love when you sing that, but that's not the song I want to hear," Rachel cut in, her hand reaching up behind her to caress his neck.

"No? I'm open to requests, as long as it's not _It's Raining Men _or _Barbie Girl,_" he murmured, nuzzling his face into her neck as the water hit the top of his head.

She giggled a little at his words. "I know the rules. Those songs are for our anniversary only. I had a different song in mind."

"Yeah? What song would that be, Muffin?" he asked, kissing her neck a few times.

She bit her lip to keep the smile from erupting at what she was about to request. "I was just in the mood to hear _You're having my baby_."

He paused his kissing as her words registered. Rachel took the loss of his lips on her neck to mean he'd figured out what she was telling him and turned around in his arms, smiling at the shocked expression on his face. His eyes trailed down to her stomach. "Baby, are you…?"

She nodded happily. "I am."

Smiling widely, he picked her up, hugging her tightly to his chest. "I can't believe this! How?"

She giggled as she kissed him. "I think you know how, Finny."

He placed her back down on the ground, still grinning. "And you're sure? Have you been to the doctor?"

Rachel nodded; her arms still around his neck. "I went to the doctor's the other day while you were at Chuck E. Cheese."

"I can't believe it," he repeated, his hands running up and down her back as the water hit it. "How many weeks are you?"

"About nine. The doctor said the baby was most likely conceived on Valentine's Day, which I thought was funny since Ava was conceived on Halloween."

Finn grinned. "Yeah? Our holiday conception streak continues?" He pulled her close to him, thinking about that day. "Did the doctor say which time did it? The awesome morning sex, hot lunch sex or the super hot nighttime sex we had that day since we were toddlerless and you were wearing that smoking hot lingerie?"

"He didn't say." Rachel squeezed his rear end as she laughed. "And don't blame the lingerie. I had it on for a total of 10 seconds before you ripped it off."

"That's 10 seconds too long," Finn commented as he got down on his knees. He placed a kiss on Rachel's still flat stomach as his hands gripped her waist. "Hi baby, it's Daddy. It's been awhile since I've talked to Mommy's belly, but I'm totally ready to do it again. Mommy's been keeping you to herself for the past nine weeks but I'm looking forward to meeting you, whenever you decide to arrive."

"Which won't be until November 6th," Rachel cut in, running her hands through his wet hair as he kissed her stomach a few more times.

"Can't wait," he replied between kisses. His thumbs caressed her hips lovingly as he continued speaking to her stomach. "Like I was saying, I can't wait to meet you and neither can Mommy. You're so lucky you get to hang out with her 24/7 for the next nine months because you'll see how awesome she is. I'm jealous."

Rachel smiled down at him, her fingers still threaded in his hair. "Daddy's pretty awesome too."

"That goes without saying, Rachel." Finn looked up, placing another tender kiss on her stomach as he stared up at her. His eyes focused on Rachel's stomach again as she laughed. "You're even luckier because you're gonna have a big sister to show you the ropes. Ava's awesome too; I mean how could she _not_ be since she looks _just_ like Mommy. I can't wait to tell her about you, I bet she's going to be _so_ excited."

"I have to see what the parenting books say about telling the other kids," Rachel cut in worriedly. "I don't want Ava to feel neglected."

"She'll totally love it, you know she will," Finn predicted. "It's a guaranteed guest at the tea table."

"Maybe," Rachel said doubtfully. "I'm going to check the books just in case."

He placed another kiss on her stomach as he resumed speaking to the baby inside. "I know you're only nine weeks and I don't really remember what you've got going on body wise at this point, but it would be sweet if you took some of _my _genes since your sister didn't."

"Finn! That's not fair! You can't influence the baby!" Rachel chided. "Besides, Ava clearly has your hair."

He laughed as he gave her stomach a final kiss before standing up. "She may have my hair, but she has everything else _you_ right down to the eye roll. All I'm saying is that the Berry genes floating around in there could learn to share with the Hudson ones, _especially_ in the eye department. I'd like to have a fighting chance with this one."

Rachel wrapped her arms around his waist, her eyes twinkling. "We'll see what we can do."

"Thank you baby. Or actually, I should say thank you _babies_." He cupped her face with his hands, his thumbs caressing her wet cheeks as he kissed her. "Looks like we have more to celebrate than just you finishing your book."

"I think so," she agreed, kissing his chest. "Maybe we should start celebrating after your nap is over."

He grinned as he reached around her to shut off the water, quickly opening the door and pulling her out with him. He scooped her up bridal style, gently depositing her on the bathroom counter to dry her off. "Nope. We're starting now."

"Now? But what about naptime?" she asked as he alternated between using the towel and his mouth to dry her off, effectively rendering the towel useless.

"Forget naptime," he murmured against her neck. "Who needs naptime?"

* * *

><p><em>Thank God<em> for naptime.

Given the way his day had been going, he should have known that food shopping with a toddler was bound to be an experience. Despite the fact that she had a shopping cart, Ava was very particular about which items from the list were actually allowed to _be_ in her cart. Evidently, only a box of Pop-tarts, Vlad's dog biscuits, her refrigerator magnets, cheese for Minnie and strawberries for the Sergeant were allowed to be put in her cart.

Everything else needed to go in his cart, which was fine except that Ava decided that his cart was the _boy _cart which meant that the Sergeant needed to sit in the baby seat of _his_ cart. He'd been forced to wheel his cart around the supermarket with a stuffed bear sitting in the seat wearing an army uniform and a bear sized pink flowered hat over his beret, which Ava had informed him was made by Uncle Kurt. He tried to get Quinn's girly panty liners and tampons into her cart, but not even the fact that it was something big girls used could sway Ava towards allowing them in her cart.

One hour and four arguments about cookies later, they'd returned back to the apartment. Ava had set to work decorating the bottom half of the fridge with her magnets once he'd opened them, strategically hanging up all her pre-school work as well the pictures she'd drawn and a few pictures from her _Tangled _coloring book. He watched, filling her in on the history of Quinn and Gaston, how Quinn had been working at the tavern, hoping Gaston would notice her and that he was now considering suing Disney for using Quinn's likeness in the movie. Ava had listened intently, yawning as she did so.

The first yawn had barely left her mouth before he'd scooped her up and deposited her on the couch with Minnie and Vlad. He'd anxiously scrolled through the channels, hoping to find Dora or those stupid rabbits she loved so much. Luck seemed to be on his side since he quickly located the dreaded rabbits, who ironically were dressed to the nines and headed to a tea party with an older rabbit.

Fortunately, Ava hadn't lasted longer than ten minutes before she was sound asleep, which left him free to deal with the _major_ problem he'd discovered upon arriving home.

He'd killed Finnessa Evelyn.

Apparently, filling the sink up and letting Finnessa soak while they went food shopping was a _bad _idea. He'd assumed that the soapy water would rid Finnessa of the paint by the time they got back, but that was decidedly _not_ the case. Instead, the water had gotten the paint off, but left her skin tinted a pale blue. He might have been able to convince Ava that Finnessa _wanted_ to look like Blue from _Blue's Clues, _but there was just no other way around the big problem which was Finnessa's eyes. Her dark brown orbs had been stripped of their color and what's worse, they'd _rusted_, making her look like some sort of evil Chuckie doll.

Horrified, he pulled Finnessa out of the blue tinted water, hoping his eyes were deceiving him. They most definitely weren't because Finnessa's eyes looked even freakier up close. Not wanting to look at her anymore, he dropped Finnessa face down in the sink, making her look like a drowning victim.

He grabbed the phone and did a quick check of Ava, who was still sound asleep on the sofa in the living room. Vlad picked his head up off of Ava's leg, his eyes following Puck for a moment before he jumped off and scurried after Puck, who'd hightailed it down the hall to his own room. He made it into the room just as Puck closed the door and watched curiously as Puck walked into the closet and sat on the floor. Again, he made it into the closet just as Puck leaned over and pulled the closet door shut.

"You bark one word of what you're about to hear and I _swear_ I'll ship you back to Mexico," Puck threatened as the Chihuahua sat upright in front of him, his eyes following Puck's every move. Quickly, he dialed Quinn's direct office number, hoping she wasn't in a meeting.

"Hello?"

"Thank _fuck_ you're there." He ran a hand over his head, trying to ignore Vlad still staring intently at him.

"Why? What happened? _What did you do_?" Quinn asked; immediately suspicious as she picked up on his worried tone.

"I killed Finnessa!" he blurted out.

Quinn burst out laughing. "What?"

"I _killed_ Finnessa!" he repeated in a loud whisper. "Stop laughing! It's not funny!"

"I'm sorry, but it is. Mike, did you hear this?" He heard a click and moment later it was obvious that he was on speaker because he could hear not only the laughter of Quinn, but that of Mike also. "How did you kill Finnessa?"

Puck's eyes darted to the closet door, afraid Ava was on the other side listening. He placed a hand over his mouth as he spoke in the same loud whisper. "There was an incident at pre-school that left Finnessa looking as blue as an Avatar. We put her in the sink to soak while we were out."

"Are you insane? You can't put those dolls in water!" Quinn hissed.

"I know that _now_!" Puck retorted, slightly louder. "Finnessa looks like the fucking kid from the _Exorcist_. Her eyes have no color and they've fucking_ rusted_."

"Does Ava know?"

"Not yet. Only Vlad does." He stared at the dog doubtfully. "Do you think Berry bugged his collar?"

"Don't be stupid, Puck," Quinn snapped. "Listen to me. Where is Ava and where are you?"

"She's sleeping in the living room and I'm in the closet with Vlad." He ignored the howls of laughter he could hear on Quinn's end of the phone.

"You're _hiding?_" Mike asked between fits of laughter.

"Fuck you, Chang," he whispered loudly. "You'd be hiding too if you broke Dave's Buzz Lightyear."

The thought sobered Mike for a moment. "He'd never find out because I'd replace it right away. Why don't you just go get a new Finnessa?"

Puck brightened at the idea for a second before finding the flaw in the plan. "How am I going to get a new Finnessa if I have A with me? You'll have to go, Quinn."

"I can't. I have a meeting."

Shit. He forgot about that. Frustrated, he ran a hand over his head. "Don't you have an assistant or something? Send them."

"I have a _secretary_, Puck," Quinn corrected. "But I'm not sending Jeanette. _You_ killed Finnessa, not her. This is your problem. Now get out of the closet and think of a way to bring Finnessa back from the dead before Ava finds out, or worse, _Rachel._"

Puck gulped, thinking of how pissed Rachel would be, even if she did hate the fact that he'd named the doll Finnessa. "What can I do?"

"You better think of something and fast. I have to go get ready for my meeting now, ok? Bye!" Quinn's voice gave way to the dial tone as she rushed off the phone.

He frowned, banging his head against the shoe rack behind him, only stopping when the phone he was still gripping in his hand started ringing again. Hoping it was Quinn calling with a plan, he quickly answered it. "Q? You got a plan?"

_"Uh, no. It's Burt."_

"Oh hey Burt," he replied. "What's up?"

_"I'm going to be in Manhattan this afternoon so I'd thought I'd come see Ava. Is that ok?"_

"Yeah, fine," Puck replied distractedly, his mind still trying to think of how he could get a new Finnessa without Ava knowing. An idea formed in his head as Burt's words registered. "Wait. When are you coming?"

_"Is 2:30 ok? Rachel faxed over a spare itinerary, so I'll take her to dance if you want."_

"That sounds _perfect_."

* * *

><p>It was anything but perfect.<p>

Burt had arrived while Ava was still sleeping and Puck had reluctantly shown Burt the damage to Finnessa. His only comment, once he had stopped laughing, was that Rachel was going to _kill _him.

Ava had woken then, thrilled to see Grandpa, who'd successfully distracted his ballerina by letting her demonstrate her new found ability to burp to the letter C as he got her ready for tap while Puck looked frantically around the apartment for a place to hide Finnessa's body. He'd had to shove her in a high kitchen cabinet when he heard Ava's cowboy boots coming back into the kitchen, but fortunately she hadn't noticed.

The second Ava and Burt had left for dance, he'd hightailed it over to the American Girl store, quickly getting a new Finnessa and returning home. He'd settled onto the couch with Vlad and a beer just as Quinn came home, demanding to see the new Finnessa.

_"Well? Did you get it?"_

_"Course I did, it's in the kitchen."" he replied, his eyes glued to the TV. He followed her into the kitchen, watching as she made a beeline for the bag. _

_"Are you insane?" Quinn hissed as she pulled the box out of the bag. "You can't have Finnessa in a bag and the box she came in! Get rid of this before….what is **this**?"_

_She held up the doll, which to Puck looked like a less blue version of the Finnessa currently hidden in the cupboard. "It's Finnessa."_

_"This is **not** Finnessa!" she cried. "Finnessa has wavy dark brown hair like Finn and Ava, this imposter has Rachel hair: straight and with bangs! Not to mention that the eye color is wrong! Finnessa has dark brown eyes, not light brown! God, it's like you've never met Finnessa!"_

_"How was I supposed to know? There were 900 different dolls there!" he defended. "They all look alike!"_

_"You better get back to the store and get the right one before she comes home and finds out you killed her," Quinn threatened as she opened the cabinet to get a glass. "And make sure you…ahhh!"_

_She screamed as the real Finnessa stared back at her through her clear rusted eyes from her place on top of the glasses. Glaring at a laughing Puck, Quinn pulled her out of the cabinet, examining the damage. "What the hell happened at pre-school? What did you do? And why was it going around the office that I used to date someone named Gaston?"_

_"It wasn't me! It was that punk Reginald!" he retorted. _

_"Well, when you go, make sure that you get the same clothes because these are soaking wet," Quinn replied, stripping the pink plaid capelet, white shirt and pink skirt Ava had chosen for Finnessa to wear to pre-school off the doll. "Why didn't you at least take her cowboy boots off?"_

Quinn's words fresh in his head, he'd ran back to the store with the imposter Finnessa, a picture of Ava and the wet clothing, just to make sure he got the right stuff. Ava was already home with Burt and Quinn when he returned and he'd had to sneak the bag into his bedroom to get Quinn's approval while Burt distracted her again.

After a heated whispered argument over where to put Finnessa, they decided to just bring the new Finnessa into the living room where Ava and Vlad were on Burt's lap listening to him read _Minnie's Valentine._

"Hey, A!" Puck called out, walking into the living room holding Finnessa, Quinn just behind him. "Look who's out of the tub!"

The adults watched anxiously as Ava reached for Finnessa, but to their relief, she didn't seem to notice anything amiss as she cuddled Finnessa and turned her attention back to the book. Puck and Quinn exchanged looks of relief as Burt quickly finished the book.

"You want a beer, Burt?" Puck asked as he settled on the couch across from Burt and Ava while Quinn went back in the kitchen.

Burt placed the book next to him so he could cuddle Ava to his chest. "Sure, I'll get it."

"No need. I got it covered," Puck promised. "Avs, time to hit the Drive-thru for Grandpa and me."

Ava nodded, climbing off Burt's lap and making a beeline for the Cozy Coupe parked in the corner. She drove over to Puck, honking her horn as Burt watched curiously.

"Order two beers and a juice," Puck directed as he pulled out his wallet to give her the necessary ID. "Here's your fake ID."

She took the ID and drove off to the kitchen, returning a few minutes later with the requested beverages. Using the couch as a brake, she pulled to a stop next to Puck. "Here Norma!"

"Awesome A," he replied, plucking a beer out of her cup holder. "Drive over to Grandpa and deliver his beer then hit the drive-thru for some chips."

Ava did as requested, doing a three point turn to park the Coupe near Burt. "Here Grandpa!"

"Thanks, Ballerina." He accepted the beer from the back of the Coupe, watching as Ava drove off towards the kitchen again. Burt held up his beer in mock salute to Puck. "Enjoy your last few days before Rachel rips into you like vultures on a corpse."

* * *

><p>Quinn hummed happily as she dipped the bread into the egg mixture, allowing the bread to soak before she quickly placed it on the griddle. Vlad watched from his position on a kitchen chair, carefully following the movement of the bread. So far, she and Vlad were the only ones up, but she was expecting that to change once the smell of French Toast permeated the air.<p>

Sure enough, the sound of a door opening was heard, followed by footsteps.

Little footsteps.

Ava appeared in the doorway, her hair wild and her face still wearing a sleepy look. Minnie hung limply from one hand as Ava yawned, staring at Quinn.

"Good morning, Ms. Ava. Do you and Minnie want to have breakfast me with me and Vlad?" Quinn asked cheerfully, pulling out the chair with Ava's booster seat on it. "We're having French Toast. Do you like that?"

Ava nodded as she ran to the table and carefully placed Minnie in the chair next to Vlad before climbing into the chair Quinn indicated. She accepted the sippy cup Quinn offered, drinking from it as she waited patiently for her food.

Quinn, correctly sensing that Ava was like her father in that she couldn't function or hold a conversation until she had breakfast, quickly placed a piece of French Toast on the Dora plate, cutting it up as fast as she could. "Do you want syrup?"

Ava nodded again, watching as Quinn poured the syrup and placed the plate in front of her. Ava immediately grabbed her fork, happily eating while Quinn repeated the process, settling into the chair across from Minnie Mouse with her own plate of food.

"Do you like it?"

As she'd suspected, Ava was much more talkative as soon as she'd started eating. "It's better than Daddy's. He has to give a lot to Vlad before Mommy comes in because he burns it. And he says bad words too, like Norma."

"Really?" Quinn asked, amused.

Ava nodded solemnly. "He dropped the eggs and said a _really_ bad word. Mommy gave him a time out."

Quinn laughed, enjoying this quality time with Ava, hardly able to contain her excitement at getting to do it with her own child soon. "Sounds like Daddy deserved it."

"He did. Mommy was _mad._" She finished the last of her breakfast, looking around the table. "Where's Norma?"

"Norma's still sleeping, but it's almost time for swimming, so why don't you and Minnie go wake him up?"

Ava nodded and grabbed Minnie, quickly making her way to the guest bedroom to find him sprawled out on the bed, still sound asleep. One hand was hanging off the bed as he lay on his stomach, snoring lightly and he'd somehow managed to kick the blankets off, tangling them around his lower legs.

She crept over to the bed and stood by Puck's face, unable to climb on the bed without assistance. She picked up Puck's arm, letting it fall against the bed.

"Ughhh…." Puck cracked open one eye to see a pair of wide Berry Brown eyes just visible over the edge of the mattress, trained intently on him.

"Hi, Norma."

"S'up A?"

"Aunt Quinn says you have to get up."

"Aunt Quinn says that? Go tell Aunt Quinn no." He closed his eyes as he heard the little feet scamper off, congratulating himself on his quick thinking as he attempted to resume his slumber.

His congratulations were short lived, since the footsteps were heard scampering _towards_ him two seconds later. Once again, he opened one eye to see the same pair of toddler sized Rachel eyes peeking over the mattress.

"Aunt Quinn says yes."

"Tell Aunt Quinn I'm too tired." He snuggled against his pillow, happily listening to the sound of Ava running back to Quinn and more than ready to get back to sleep.

"Norma."

He groaned as those eyes were the first thing he saw yet again when he opened his eyes. "What?"

"Aunt Quinn says get up or she'll be _too tired_ for a long time."

Her words caused him to open both eyes. Ava might not know what her message meant, but Puck certainly did. Slowly, he sat up and stretched, yawning as he scratched his bare chest.

Ava watched, one hand clutching Minnie to her chest as he stood up, still yawning. "I like your pajamas, Norma. Daddy has cowboys on his."

Puck glanced down in embarrassment at his Spongebob boxers. "This isn't my pajamas. This is my underwear."

"Daddy has Batman underwear," Ava offered. "But I like yours better, so does Minnie."

"Good to know," Puck replied, picking Ava up and tickling her as he carried her back out to the kitchen and a waiting Quinn. Ava squirmed out of his arms, running off to the bathroom.

"I knew that would get you up," she smirked, accepting a kiss.

"Why am I up so early? It's _Saturday_," he grumbled as he sat down.

Quinn nodded sagely as she looked at Ava's book. "No doubt your stupidity last night tired you out."

"He _bet_ me! What was I supposed to do?"

"He's _four_," Quinn snapped. "You could have made a bet as stupid as that one with someone your own age."

Puck mumbled something incoherent through his mouthful of French toast. Still amazed at his stupidity, she rolled her eyes as she thought back to the dinner they'd had with Mike, Tina and David. Dinner itself had gone fine and the adults had sat around the table while Ava and David had left to go play.

Ava, dressed in her tea outfit, had returned after a few minutes requesting Mrs. Ponypants' presence at the tea table. He'd reluctantly left the adults behind to follow Ava, which in hindsight was his mistake.

_David was at Ava's play barbeque, grilling up some plastic cookies and cake for the tea party. He smiled at Puck as he came in, adding a plastic banana to the barbeque grill._

_"Mrs. Ponypants is here, it's time for the party to start," Ava announced as she sat on the floor in front of her teapot. Lacking a proper tea table, she'd set her tea set up on the floor. Vlad, who'd been chewing a squeaky steak on the bed, jumped off and sat down next to Ava, his steak in his mouth. She gave Puck a look, silently directing him to put on his official tea hat. _

_Sighing, he reached for the hat and placed it on his head, just as David, wearing a cowboy costume similar to Woody's, finished grilling the food and sat down. Unlike his first tea party experience, this party went off without a hitch, with himself, the Sergeant, Vlad, Minnie and David (whose tea table name was apparently Sir Topham Hatt) in attendance._

_Things took a turn for the worse when David, sick of playing tea party, got up and climbed into Ava's Cozy Coupe parked nearby. He drove over to Puck, who resisted the urge to make a joke about Asian driving. _

_Ava, furious that her tea party had prematurely ended, stood up, a hand on her hip. "No David. That's **my **car. You can't drive it."_

_"Yes I can," he replied, making Puck have to bite his tongue even more as David drove straight into Puck's outstretched leg._

_"No! You're too big!" Ava demanded. _

_"I'm not too big," he retorted._

_"He's not too big, A," Puck cut in. "I could fit in the Coupe, so Dave definitely could."_

_Ava and David both stared at him, united in their suspicion. _

_"You can't fit in there, Norma," Ava finally commented._

_"I totally can," he replied idly, busy tugging on Vlad's squeaky steak._

_"I bet you can't Puck. Daddy can't fit," David justified as he climbed out of the Coupe._

_That was all Puck needed. "Watch."_

_He knew he wouldn't be able to get in through the doors, but he figured that the bars connecting the roof to the body of the car were wide enough for him to back into the Coupe. Cautiously, he backed his ass up, maneuvering so that he pushed his body into the Coupe as much as he could._

_And promptly got stuck._

_"Shit!" he cried, wiggling to try and free himself. He looked up at the two toddlers, who were both watching him with wide eyes. "Guys, you need to help me."_

_David grabbed a hand while Ava opened the door of the Coupe in an attempt to push on Norma's butt. Correctly sensing that their assistance was useless, David dropped Puck's hand to run out of the room. He returned a few minutes later with his father, who immediately burst out laughing at the sight of Puck clearly stuck in the Cozy Coupe. Not wanting Finn to miss this, he whipped out his cell phone, recording the toddlers trying to get him out._

In spite of Puck's stupidity, she chuckled at the memory. It had taken Mike pulling on both of his hands to get him out while Ava and David tried to help by pushing on his butt. Still laughing hysterically, Tina had taken over the filming duties, immediately sending the video off to Finn and Rachel as soon as Puck was freed. She turned her attention back to the Book of Ava. "Hurry up and eat. Swimming starts at 9:30 exactly and Leslie doesn't like it when the students are late, according to the Book of Ava."

"Berry's unbelievable with that fucking book," Puck mumbled around a mouthful of French Toast. "So her teacher's name is Leslie?"

Quinn rolled her eyes, knowing exactly what he was implying. "Yes, it's Leslie. I give you full permission to ogle since I'm the size of a house right now."

Ava chose to return to the kitchen at that moment, running over to Quinn and pulling on her hand. Anxious to get her swimsuit on, Ava started undressing right in the kitchen, to the amusement of Quinn and the horror of Puck. _"Come on,_ it's time for swimming."

"Whoa, A. While you undressing in the kitchen will make some guy_ really _happy in the future, you're not allowed to be naked in a kitchen like Mommy until you're at least 35. Ask Daddy."

Quinn laughed, pulling Ava's pajama zipper back up and hustling her out of the room. "You know she's going to ask Finn that," she called over her shoulder.

"That's what makes it funny." He followed Quinn into the guest room, Vlad on his heels. The little Chihuahua jumped on the bed and settled next to Ava, who was watching Quinn rummage through her suitcase while she drank her juice.

"Here we go. Mommy says to bring both bathing suits, but which one do you want to wear?" Quinn asked, holding up a bathing suit in each hand.

"Whoa whoa whoa. She's not wearing those." Puck's mouth dropped open at the sight of the bathing suits in each of Quinn's hands.

The _two piece_ bathing suits.

In Quinn's right hand was a hot pink two piece bathing suit with white polka dots. The bottom part had two matching ruffles around the waist while the top reminded Puck of those sports bras Quinn wears but with a large picture of Minnie Mouse's head right in the center. In her left hand was a blue bottom decorated with sea flowers and shells, while the purple top was hemmed with ruffles and decorated with Ariel and her friends swimming.

"What's the problem? They're cute," Quinn asked, surprised.

Puck ignored her and turned to Ava. "Seriously? Daddy lets you wear these bathing suits?"

Ava nodded, not understanding the meaning of his statement.

Quinn rolled her eyes. "Get real, Puck. They're just bathing suits."

"Two piece bathing suits! Berry must have bought these. I bet Finn doesn't know. I should probably call him and let him know what Berry's up to." He reached for the phone, ready to tell Finn about the offending bathing suits.

"You are _not_ calling them at 8:45 in the morning! Why are you flipping over these bathing suits? What's the big deal?"

"The boys in the class are going to be checking her out! I'm gonna have to kick some three year old ass!"

"Get serious. She'll look adorable in them. Besides, the class is just her, David and a few other kids."

"Even worse. It'll look like she's trying to impress him _and_ get the attention of everyone at the pool. Maybe we should go get her a one piece."

"We're _not _going shopping for a new bathing suit. There's nothing wrong with these. I had a _Care Bears_ one just like it when I was her age." She turned to Ava, who'd been lying on the bed, drinking her juice and petting Vlad while Puck and Quinn argued. "I think they're cute. Which one do you want to wear, Ava? Minnie or Ariel?"

"Minnie."

Quinn nodded, turning back to her husband. "Go get your bathing suit on. I'll get her ready."

"But-"

Quinn refused to let him say anything else pushing him out the door. Sulking, Puck headed out the door, trying to figure out his game plan for swimming.

He was _definitely _gonna have to kick some three year old ass.

* * *

><p>"Come on, Norma!" Excited, Ava dragged Puck over to the bleachers, more than ready to get in the pool. She immediately sat down and pulled off her cowboy boots and socks before getting to work on the leggings Quinn had insisted she put on over her bathing suit. She held out her legs to Puck. "Help please."<p>

"No problem, A." Puck pulled off the leggings and her t-shirt, handing Ava her _Dora The Explorer_ cover-up and sandals to wear while they waited. Ava put them on, sitting happily on the bench as she chatted away about her class.

Puck took the opportunity to glance around the pool area, trying to spot Leslie. There was a smoking hot instructor talking to another smoking hot instructor near the diving board. One was a brunette, her hair in a messy top knot on her head, while the other was a tall leggy blonde with a killer rack, her hair loose around her shoulders. Both wore what he assumed was the uniform of the swim school, a bright red racing bathing suit, strongly reminding Puck of one of his most favorite shows ever, _Baywatch._ His ability to identify hot girls had diminished slightly since getting married, but his gut told him that the blonde was Leslie. He continued watching the blonde while simultaneously listening to Ava give a detailed account of the correct way to blow big bubbles in the water.

His concentration was ripped from the blonde when Ava made her next announcement. "I have to pee, Norma."

"So go pee, Avs. What's with you and your mother needing to announce that?"

"Mommy says I'm not allowed to go by myself."

"Oh." He stood up and picked her up, heading for the bathrooms.

Uh oh.

He paused at the doors, unsure of which one to go in. He couldn't go in the women's room, and Ava couldn't go in the men's room, nor could she go in the women's room by herself. "Hey Avs? Who normally brings you to swimming?"

"Daddy."

"And uh, what bathroom does Daddy bring you in?" he asked casually, pleased at his quick thinking. Rachel couldn't yell at him for bringing her in the men's room if Finn did it.

"Daddy says I have to go before we leave home."

Damn.

"Alright Ava. You're gonna have to go in the men's room, but don't tell Mommy. Pinky swear?" He held up his pinky to Ava, who seemed unsure of what to do with it. She stared at him curiously, finally deciding to take his pinky in her little fist, making him laugh. "Guess you haven't learned that yet. Stick with me and I'll teach you some cool sh-stuff, ok?"

Ava nodded as he cautiously opened the door, hoping no men were at the urinal. Unfortunately for him, there was a man he assumed was another instructor at the urinal, judging by the fact that he was wearing a bright red Speedo. The man turned around, surprised to see Ava.

"Why hello, Ava! What are you doing in here?"

"I have to pee," Ava replied, beaming at the man. "What are you doing?"

"Peeing also," he replied as he washed his hands. "Where's Daddy?"

"He's playing hide the salami with Mommy," Ava announced impressively from Puck's arms. The man's eyes shot to Puck, who hastened to explain.

"He's in Barbados with Rachel. My wife and I are watching Ava for the weekend."

"Oh." The man's face fell slightly at Puck's explanation. "I better get back out there. See you later, Ava." The man hurried out, leaving a mortified Puck with a squirming Ava.

"Who's that, a teacher?" he asked, hoping it wasn't the head of the swim school, or worse, someone Rachel spoke to regularly.

Ava nodded, distracted by the urinals. "What are those, Norma?"

"Those aren't for you."

"Why?"

"Because that's where boys pee."

"Why?"

"Because it is."

"I want to use it."

"Well you can't."

"Why?"

"Uh…because your name is Ava and anyone named Ava has to use a stall. It's a rule." He placed her down on the floor, not wanting to get into _that _conversation and held open a stall, relieved to see that it was a kid sized one with a super low toilet bowl.

"Oh." Ava hurried into the stall, shutting it behind her while Puck waited outside the stall. Ava chattered away happily as she relieved herself, filling Puck in on the latest Disney Princess movie. He heard her flush and backed away from the door, surprised to see Ava come out with her bathing suit twisted around her knees. "I need help, Norma."

Sighing, he quickly bent down and untwisted her bathing suit before any three year old pervs could come in and check her out. "Ready? Let's wash your hands and get back out there."

He helped Ava wash her hands, before picking her up and carrying her out of the men's room, all the while hoping he didn't have to go through that again. "How about we-"

He got no further before he was attacked by a tall ball of Asianess and looked down in surprise to see David tackling his legs.

"Puck!"

"Hey Avs! Dave's here! Puck commented, fist bumping David.

"Hi, David!" Ava said happily. "Norma's going in the pool with us today!"

"Where's your old man, bro?"

"He's over there," David replied, pointing towards the bleachers where Mike was putting down their stuff. He grabbed Puck's hand, pulling him over to his father.

Mike looked up with a grin. "Never thought I'd see you at a swimming lesson, Puckerman."

"I've been taking Ava to all her shit, right, A?"

Ava nodded, giving Mike a head nod as she held out a fist. "S'up, Mike?"

Mike's eyes widened as he fist bumped Ava. "Rachel's going to _kill _you."

Puck waved a hand dismissively as he placed Ava down, letting her sit on the bench while David began pulling off his shirt. "Why does everyone keeps saying that? All I've done is make A cool."

He felt a tugging on his shorts and looked down to see Ava staring at David while she tugged. "Look Norma."

"What?"

"David has a Spongebob bathing suit, just like-"

Fortunately for Puck, Ava's statement was cut short by a woman's voice making an announcement on the PA. "_Ok, AquaTots! Time for class! Let's line up by the stairs!"_

Ava squealed excitedly as she removed her cover up and sandals, bouncing up and down while she waited for Puck to remove his shirt. David, having removed his shirt and shoes earlier, was already dragging his father over to the steps of the pool. "Come on, Norma!"

"Wait, A. I don't think this is our class," Puck observed. He sure as hell hoped this wasn't the class, since the guy from the bathroom was currently standing in the shallow end, talking to one of the parents.

"Come on, Norma!" Figuring that maybe the guy was just there until smoking hot Leslie came out, he let himself be pulled along. Ava took her place at the top of the stairs, standing between David and a heavy set boy in a _Bob the Builder _bathing suit who was already crying.

Unsure of what he was supposed to be doing, he eyed Mike, who gestured for him to get in the pool. Carefully he slipped in, wading through the shallow end to stand next to Mike and waiting until he got close enough to whisper. "Where's the smoking hot Leslie? What's with the banana hammock? He like a warm up act or something?"

Mike said nothing, giving him an odd look.

Puck turned his attention back to the toddlers at the top of the stairs, assuming Tina had Mike so whipped that he was incapable of noticing a hot chick anymore. His eyes immediately noticed that of the five toddlers in the class, Ava was the only girl.

Automatically, he began checking out the other three boys to see who may be in need of an ass kicking, having instantly eliminated David as a potential threat. The heavy boy next to Ava was still crying, as was the boy in the Spiderman bathing suit on the far end, but the boy next to the David posed a possible danger. Sure he was wearing an Elmo bathing suit, but he was also wearing a bored expression on his face that Puck knew well. He'd used it often enough to check out girls without them noticing. He resisted the urge to wrap Ava in a towel and drag her out of class, deciding instead to keep an eye on Elmo.

"Alright AquaTots! Let's see who's here today! Ladies first," the bathroom guy announced with just a little too much energy for Puck's liking. Taking a deep breath, he began singing along with the toddlers to the tune of Mary had a Little Lamb. "_Ava's in the pool today, pool today, pool today. Ava's in the pool today, let's see how she can splash."_

"He's kidding me with this shit, right?" Puck whispered, watching as Ava immediately sat down on the first step and began splashing with her hands. Praising Ava's excellent splashing, the group moved onto David, who did the same thing as Ava.

"Nope," Mike whispered back. "Leslie's very big on songs."

"Which one is she? The blonde or the brunette?" He gestured towards the two women he'd noticed before, standing near the edge of the pool. "It's the hot blonde right?"

"Uh, no."

"Oh, it's the brunette? That's ok, if I have to suffer through the songs, she'll be just as hot to stare at," he whispered, keeping an eye on Elmo, who was now taking his turn to splash his hands in the pool and had somehow managed to sit next to Ava.

"Dude, Leslie's in the pool." Mike stared at Puck intently, waiting for realization to set in and wishing he had a camera to capture it. Sure enough, Puck's mouth formed a perfect O once Mike's words registered.

"No fucking way. Leslie's a chick's name!" he hissed louder than he intended.

"Actually, it's a gender neutral name," Leslie announced, having heard Puck since the song was over. He turned back to the class. "Ava's daddy couldn't be here today, so Ava brought a special friend to class. Ava, who did you bring?"

"That's Norma," Ava announced proudly. "He has Spongebob underwear, just like David's bathing suit."

"Let's all welcome Norma and his Spongebob underwear," Leslie announced brightly, trying not to laugh. "Ready, class?"

On the count of three, four out of five toddlers began kicking their legs as they sat on the top step, creating a huge splash and simultaneously calling out "_Hello, Norma!"_ while the heavy set boy who'd been standing next to Ava continued to cry.

Puck blushed crimson at the mention of his underwear, ignoring the snickering coming from Mike and the looks of amusement coming from the other parents. "Quinn bought me those as a joke," he whispered to Mike, who only snickered harder. "She did."

"Whatever you say, _Norma_. You two take the Coupe here?" Mike snickered again, managing to duck under the water just in time to avoid Puck's hand hitting the back of his head.

"Ok! Let's do our other warm-up!" Leslie called out. "Ready? _You put your lips in, you put your lips out, you put your lips in and you blow the bubbles about…" _Eagerly, all the students with the exception of the heavy boy, lowered their faces to the water to blow big bubbles in the water.

Puck continued watching the blonde while Leslie continued to sing his swimming version of the _Hokey Pokey, _wondering what class she taught. Figures Berry signed Ava up for a class taught by the banana hammock wearing Leslie, rather than the smoking hot blonde.

"Alright, AquaTots! It's time to get our heads wet! Parents, Norma, if you could get your child and spread out. Hold your child parallel to the water, swaying them in one direction while turning your body 180 degrees and gently submerge them into the water," Leslie instructed.

Puck, more than happy to get Ava away from that punk Elmo, waded over and scooped her up, choosing a spot in the pool far away from him and his mother. The heavy set boy remained on the step, still crying and ignoring his mother's pleas.

"What's with the fat kid?" Puck whispered to Ava, glancing over at the boy, who now had Leslie trying to coax him into the water.

"That's Terrence. He _always _cries," she whispered back before proudly adding, "I'm not a crybaby."

"Nope. You're a badass like me. Ready?"

"Ready, Norma."

Holding Ava parallel to the water, he began making airplane noises and spinning in a circle as he glided Ava above the water, causing her to giggle as her body skimmed the surface. "Uh oh, the plane's losing control!" He skimmed her body against the water faster, finally plunging her into the water and submerging her for a second before he pulled her back out and righted her against his chest.

"Again, Norma!" Ava squealed, wiping the water from her eyes. Puck obeyed, not noticing that they'd attracted the attention of the rest of the class, with the exception of a still wailing Terrence and Leslie.

"I want to be an airplane!" David cried, reaching for Puck from Mike's arms.

"I'll trade you," Puck offered, holding out a still giggling Ava. Mike shrugged, accepting the hand-off. "Ready, dude?"

David nodded eagerly as Puck began making the noises and spinning, feeling the weight difference between David and the five months younger Ava. Just as he'd done with Ava, he skimmed David's body across the surface of the water before submerging him, earning shrieks of laughter from David.

"I want to go!"

Puck looked up in surprise at the kid in the Spiderman suit, who was holding his arms out to Puck. He looked at the boy's mother. "I don't mind if you don't."

"Not at all." She handed her son over once Puck had deposited David back in his father's other arm.

"What's your name, bro?" Puck asked, sneaking a glance at Elmo, who was watching from his mother's arms.

"Peter."

"Yeah? Your last name Parker?" Puck asked, getting Peter into position. Peter smiled up at him, not making the connection between Puck's comment and his Spiderman bathing suit. Quickly, he started spinning, submerging Peter just like he'd done to Ava and David. "There you go, Spidey."

Fortunately, Leslie called the class back to order before Elmo could ask for a turn. Puck took Ava back from Mike, listening as Leslie sang the next song and gave out the directions. As per Leslie's instructions, he placed Ava back on the step and waded a distance away, frowning when he noticed that Elmo was once again next to Ava and was _talking_ to her.

"Dude, what's with Elmo?" Puck whispered to Mike, watching as Ava answered Elmo.

"Elmo? You mean Jordan?"

"The punk next to Ava in the Elmo bathing suit. He's totally hitting on her!" he whispered back.

"They're three year olds. I highly doubt he's hitting on her," Mike reasoned as he watched Leslie hand out the kickboards to the toddlers.

"I _told_ Quinn we should have went and bought a one piece bathing suit, he's totally checking her out," Puck fretted as Ava started kicking towards him with the kickboard. "Look at him watching her as she kicks. Finn's gonna kill me. I'm supposed to keep A away from pervs."

Mike laughed as David kicked his way around him and headed back towards the steps. "He told you that; did he?"

Puck tore his gaze away from Elmo, who'd started kicking towards his mom. "Not in so many words, but it's implied that it's part of my babysitting duties to keep pervs like Elmo away from her." He waited until Ava had kicked her way around him before continuing. "I should know. At three, I was already a stud."

"You're insane, you know that?"

Puck didn't answer, watching as Elmo claimed his place on the steps next to Ava again. Fortunately, David started talking to Ava before Elmo could, making Puck smirk in satisfaction. He didn't care if Mike thought he was insane. He was fully prepared to be the Baby Berry's bouncer and now that he saw David in action, he'd have to start training him to be a Junior Berry Bouncer.

To Puck's supreme annoyance, Elmo splashed some water at Ava, who squealed. His eyes narrowed as the realization set in that he'd been Berry Blocking the wrong person. While it was fun to Berry Block Finn, this Baby Berry Blocking was quickly turning into a necessity.

Not about to let Finn down in this, he paid special attention to Elmo the rest of the class, keeping Ava as far away from Elmo as possible. He'd even managed to secretly convince David to sit in between Ava and Elmo and 'accidentally' splash Elmo anytime he talked to Ava. He took careful note of Elmo's every move, more than ready to report back to Finn.

When it came to Berry Blocking, he was nothing if not thorough.

* * *

><p>"Q? We're back!" Puck called out wearily later that afternoon, more than ready to crash on the couch for a well deserved nap. Next to him, a completely sugared out Ava bounced into the apartment, one hand holding the goody bag from Violet's birthday party. Vlad came yipping down the hallway, making a beeline for Ava's goody bag.<p>

"How was Violet's birthday party?" Quinn called back from the living room. Puck and Ava followed her voice, one ready to collapse on the couch, the other more than ready to dish about the party.

Ava jumped onto the couch next to Quinn, her bright pink tutu skirt fanning out around her. "Norma got in trouble," she reported.

"Why am I not surprised?" Quinn replied, rolling her eyes at Puck, who'd collapsed onto the other couch. "What happened?"

"I thought we weren't going to tell about that," Puck replied, one arm draped over his eyes.

"I didn't tell," Ava defended. "I _reported_."

"So what happened?" Quinn repeated, casting amused eyes at Ava.

"Norma was eating a hamburger from _McDonald's,_" Ava stressed. "That's not allowed at Jumpin' Jacks. He had to go _outside._"

"Puck! I thought you were going to stop eating so much fast food!" Quinn exclaimed accusingly. "Remember what the doctor said?"

Puck sighed, not bothering to remove the arm draped over his face. "Thanks A. Thanks a lot."

"You're welcome," Ava responded cheerfully, ready to tell Quinn about the rest of the party. "Me and Violet and Molly went down the _big_ slide. David didn't. He only went down the _little_ slide."

"David was there?" Quinn asked in confusion.

"Violet's a twin," Puck replied, his words still coming from under his arm. "David was there for Violet's twin brother, Peter."

"Sounds like you had fun, Ava. How about we watch some _Max and Ruby?_" She grabbed the remote control, turning on the DVD still in the DVD player from yesterday. Ava nodded happily, already snuggling into the couch.

"No! No more fucking rabbits!" Puck cried, sitting up. Ava had somehow gotten it in her head to watch a marathon of _Max and Ruby_ yesterday and he'd go nuts if he had to sit through one more episode. "I'm gonna go take a nap in our bed while I'm allowed to."

"Rachel called before. She and Finn should be here about three tomorrow, so you can sleep in our bed again starting tomorrow," Quinn promised. After that first night, Ava and Vlad had simply decided to sleep in their bed every night, effectively regulating him to the guest bedroom. The bed in there sucked, which just made him more anxious to get back to his own bed. Ava not being there would also give him access to the sex he'd been missing for the past few days.

He couldn't wait.

* * *

><p>"You ready, babe?" Finn asked as he got the last of their luggage off the belt. His free hand slipped into Rachel's as they hurried out of the airport to hail a cab.<p>

"I'm scared to think of what Noah's done to my sweet little baby," she admitted as she climbed into the cab. Finn settled in next to her, his hand still holding hers as his thumb rubbed her knuckles reassuringly.

The ride to Puck's was spent discussing their news and what Puck may have done to Ava. Once the cab pulled up to his building, Rachel gripped Finn's hand tightly as they made their way into the apartment building and rode the elevator to Puck's penthouse floor.

With every floor the elevator climbed, her grip on Finn's hand grew tighter, reminding him of when she'd been in labor. He made a mental note to get her something to grip come November when she was in labor again. The thought made him grin and he pulled her to him. "I still can't believe you're pregnant again."

"I know," Rachel agreed as she wrapped her arms around his torso. "Trust me baby, it was a surprise to me too. You're not upset are you?"

"Are you kidding? Our first try was so awesome, I'm sure this one will be just as awesome," he replied, giving her a reassuring kiss.

"Let's just hope our awesome child hasn't turned badass," she fretted against his chest as the elevator doors opened. Almost fearfully, she followed Finn out, half expecting a Mohawked Ava to open the door. Her fears remained in place when Quinn answered instead, Ava nowhere to be seen.

"Hey guys!" She opened the door wider, letting them into the foyer.

"Where's my daughter?" Rachel replied immediately, her eyes roaming over what she could see of the large apartment.

"Ava and Puck are watching TV," Quinn answered. "How was Barbados?"

"It was really great." Finn winced at how tightly Rachel was once again holding his hand.

"Ava, look who's here!" Quinn called out. Vlad came racing down the hallway, yipping happily.

Rachel bent down, scooping him up and cuddling him for a moment before she held him out for inspection, checking him all over for signs of Puck damage. Satisfied that he seemed to be ok, she began cuddling him again.

Ava ran down the hall, her little Minnie Mouse slippers sliding on the floor as Puck followed behind. She launched herself at Finn's legs, looking up at her mother. "S'up?"

Too excited to chastise Ava for her language, Rachel shoved Vlad into Finn's hands to grab her, hugging her tightly before giving her the same inspection she'd given Vlad. "I missed my Chick-a-dee so much! Did you have fun here?"

Ava nodded, grabbing Rachel's hand. "What are you doing, baby?"

"Pulling your finger."

Rachel's eyes narrowed into slits. _"Noah._ What did you teach her?"

"I simply made her cooler, Berry."

She didn't reply, passing a squirming Ava off to her father as she continued to stare at Puck through narrowed eyes.

"There's my princess!" Finn announced as he took Ava in his arms, cuddling her close. "I missed you so… _whoa! _What was that for?" He glanced at Ava, who'd just stuck a very wet finger in his ear.

"It's a Wet Willie," Ava announced proudly. "Norma taught me. He said you'd like it."

"Really." Finn cast a suspicious look at Puck, who was having trouble containing his laughter. "What else did Norma teach you?"

"I can burp to the letter C!"

"_Really_?" he repeated, impressed in spite of himself.

Rachel threw up her hands. "I _knew_ it. I knew she was going to be Puckified. I _told _you that, Finn. I'm surprised she doesn't have a mohawk and is cursing like a sailor."

"Hey! It's what you get for all the crap I had to bring her to," he retorted. "And I didn't teach her any curses. At least not intentionally."

"_**What**_?"

He backtracked a little since he could practically see the steam coming out of Rachel's ears. "She may have said something about a fucking list to Will, but-"

"_**What**?"_

_"_Dude, she cursed in front of Will?"

"When was this?"

Rachel, Finn and Quinn all questioned him simultaneously, surprise written on all their faces. He shifted uncomfortably, not sure where to look as he decided to change the subject. "Cursing's the least of your problems, Hudson. She's a total boy magnet. Dave and I had to fight the boys off."

Rachel glared at him as she took Ava back from Finn. "I'm assuming you didn't get us kicked out of anywhere?"

"Don't worry, Rachel, I made sure he didn't," Quinn assured her as she followed Rachel back into the living room.

Puck glanced sheepishly at Finn. "I'm exhausted, man. I don't know how you do it all the time."

Finn shrugged. "You get used to it."

"Still. She had a ton of crap and she's only _three_," Puck pressed. "I can't imagine what it's like when there's two kids."

Finn grinned, rubbing the back of his neck. "Well, I'll let you know come November."

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: The weekend at Norma's is finally over! There's more Ava to come, as well as Baby #2, but the next few chapters will NOT feature Ava, despite what she says LOL._**


	19. See Day

_**Disclaimer: Glee is not mine.**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>There is no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.<br>- Mark Twain**_

* * *

><p>"Mmmm."<p>

Rachel stirred; sleep beginning to leave her body. She stretched as best she could, the arm Finn had thrown over her encumbering her from really moving. Gingerly, she picked up the arm of the still sleeping Finn, trying to slide out from under it without waking him. He mumbled a little as she climbed out of bed but stayed asleep.

She couldn't help but smile at her boyfriend as she pulled on her bathrobe. Without her to spoon against, he'd rolled onto his back, the blankets exposing his naked body. His snores immediately increased in volume with the change of position and he shivered slightly. Tenderly, she leaned over and pulled the covers up around him, smiling as he immediately clutched the blankets to his chest and rolled back onto his side.

As quietly as she could, she slipped out of the stateroom and onto the balcony, wanting to get a glimpse of the early morning sun over the sea. This was their third day on the cruise and she had yet to see the sun rise, thanks to Finn and his late night libido.

Last night hadn't been any different, the alcohol he'd consumed at the bar causing him to practically rip her clothes off as soon as they'd gotten back to their stateroom. Rachel, feeling the effects of the alcohol herself, had eagerly gone along with it, resulting in neither of them falling asleep until very late. As tired as she was though, she refused to miss the sunrise yet again.

She leaned against the balcony railing, admiring the soft pastel colors of the sky and looking down at the sea far below. The wind moved her hair gently as the ship churned through the Caribbean Sea, heading for the Cayman Islands. She tucked her hair behind her ear just as a pair of arms wrapped around her waist.

"Morning baby," Finn murmured, pressing a kiss to her jaw. He yawned a little as he cuddled her close to his body.

Rachel turned her head in surprise. She'd been so engrossed in watching the sun that she hadn't even heard the door open when Finn had come out. "Finn! What are you doing up?"

"I rolled over and there was no one to cuddle with," he pouted, nuzzling his face against her cheek.

"Oh, did you miss me?" she teased, turning in his arms to let her own arms snake around his boxer clad waist.

"Not really. I was looking to cuddle with Vlad," he responded cheekily, earning a playful smack from Rachel. "I'm just kidding. I missed you, Muffin."

"Are you hungry, Finn?" Rachel asked, smiling at Finn's pet name for her. "We should probably start getting ready for breakfast. Actually, I don't even know what time it opens since we haven't been up this early."

He picked her up, letting her wrap her legs around his waist as he kissed her. "Good thing I brought my own Berry muffin then."

She giggled against his lips. "Didn't you get enough last night, Finny-Bear?"

"Nope." He held her tightly against him, kissing her hard. Rachel's arms wrapped around his neck, fusing their heads even closer together as Finn's tongue entered her mouth looking to play. Their tongues dueled for a moment before Finn pulled his mouth away from hers, deciding he'd ignored her neck for far too long.

Rachel gave a small mewl when she felt his mouth start sucking on her neck. "Oh, _Finny_."

"_Yo, Finny-Bear; do me a favor. If you're going to cuddle or worse, __**butter your muffin**__, go back inside."_

The unexpected voice stopped Finn and Rachel mid kiss. Heads still close together, they turned in unison to see Puck peering around the partition between the balconies, his customary smirk firmly in place.

Rachel slid down Finn's body, adjusting her robe before she spoke. "Hello, Noah."

"S'up Muffin?"

"Shut up, Noah," she snapped, furious that he'd ruined their moment and even more furious that he'd heard Finn's private name for her. She loved when he referred to her as Muffin, something he only did when they were alone and he was feeling particularly romantic.

"Geez, Muffin calm down. I was just gonna let you know that Q and I are gonna have breakfast about 8:00. That should give Finny-Bear plenty of time to eat his muffin." Quickly, before Rachel could throw anything, he ducked back around the partition and out of sight.

Annoyed, Rachel marched back into their room, Finn close behind. "He is unbelievable!" she huffed as she closed the balcony door and pulled the curtain shut. "How did we get stuck next to him and Quinn? I swear I heard them going at it through the walls yesterday."

"Babe, you need to calm down." He pulled her to him, stroking her hair softly. Puck riling Rachel up was nothing new and after almost eleven months of dating, he'd become a master at calming her down.

"He called me_ Muffin_," Rachel replied crossly. "_Muffin_."

"I know baby, but it's not a big deal." He continued his stroking as she pouted against his chest.

"Only you can call me that. _Only you_," she stressed. "Just like I'm the only one who can call you Finny-Bear, right?"

"Right," he confirmed, secretly thinking that no one else would probably come up with a name like _Finny-Bear_ in the first place. "But think of it this way. He didn't hear me say my super secret name for you, did he?"

"That's true," Rachel said, brightening at the thought.

"See? You're still my little Dyson." He chuckled at the name Rachel had earned in the bedroom for her oral talents. His word vomit had gotten the best of him one night and he'd almost died when he heard himself comparing Rachel to a vacuum, but to his surprise Rachel had seemed to like the name.

"I am." She glanced down at his boxers, a seductive smile on her face. "It looks to me like you've gotten dirty, Finny."

"Huh?" Confused he glanced down at Rachel, surprised by her sudden mood swing.

"You need to get cleaned up, baby." She pushed him back onto the bed before climbing on herself. "You've made a mess."

He grinned as understanding dawned. "I think you're right. I might need to call housekeeping for a vacuum."

"No need," she purred, kissing his stomach as her hands skimmed his boxers. "I can help you."

His grin grew even wider as he felt Rachel blow lightly on his belly button. Puck riling her up usually worked out well for him, since Rachel needed a way to take out her anger and seemed to feel that sex was the best way to do that. He had no problems with Puck riling her up if it meant he _had_ to be supportive by letting her have her way with him.

_Thwack!_

Startled, Rachel paused her removal of Finn's boxers to stare up at him. "What was that?"

"Nothing." Anxious to get Rachel back on track, he placed his hands on hers, trying to get them moving. She kept her hands on the waistband of his boxers, not moving them as she smiled up at him and began placing small kisses just above the waistband.

_Thwack!_

Alarmed, Rachel looked up again. "Seriously, what is that?"

"Ignore it baby," he pleaded. "It's probably just the ship making noise or something."

She seemed to take his advice, since she sat up and shrugged her robe off her shoulders, knowing that the slight bit of exposed skin would drive him crazy. Finn sat up in anticipation, his eyes dark with lust.

She held the robe to her chest as she crawled on her knees up his legs, not stopping until she was settled comfortably in his lap facing him. Her lips found their way onto his; applying pressure until she'd coerced his tongue out while simultaneously grinding herself against him.

_Thwack!_

Immediately, all kissing and gyrating on stopped on Rachel's end. She quickly pulled her robe back up over her shoulders as she looked around. "Finn, I think there's something outside."

"No, there's nothing outside. Now come on, I'm really dirty, remember?" he asked, kissing her neck in a last ditch effort to distract her from whatever was making that noise.

His kisses had the desired effect because she immediately closed her eyes and relaxed, letting him push the robe off her shoulders as he kissed his way down her neck and across her shoulders.

_Thwack!_

Once again, the robe came back up as an alarmed look came over Rachel's face. She climbed off Finn's lap, scrambling behind him for protection. "Finn, I really think something is out there."

He sighed as she wrapped her arms around his neck from behind. "I'm telling you, it's the ship."

_Thud._

She gripped his neck harder. "Go see."

"Like this?" he asked sarcastically, as he gestured down to the tent that had formed in his boxers. "What do you want me to do? Poke whatever's out there?"

"Please, Finny." She maintained her grip on his neck as he sighed and tried to get off the bed, only to be pulled back by Rachel. "Wait! Don't leave me here alone!"

Still not believing there was anything out there, Finn seized his opportunity to distract her again, turning his head to kiss her deeply. Despite her fears, she reciprocated, her hands reaching down to graze the front of his chest.

"How's that muffin taste, Finny-Bear?"

Rachel screamed at Noah's words, turning her head to see him standing against the balcony door, his customary smirk in place. She immediately wrapped her arms around Finn's neck, trying to hide behind him. For his part, Finn grabbed the blankets, covering his lap.

"Dude! Did you seriously climb over the partition?" Finn asked, half annoyed Puck interrupted them but amazed that he didn't fall into the sea at the same time.

"_Noah!_ _What is wrong with you?_" Rachel screeched; her arms still firmly around Finn. "You can't just barge into people's rooms!"

"You weren't answering when I threw Q's guide books at your balcony door," Puck retorted, crossing his arms. "If you were able to take your tongue out of Hudson's mouth for a minute, I wouldn't have had to climb over the balcony."

"Did you ever hear of a door?"

"Did _you_ ever hear of controlling your raging libido?"

Rachel gasped. "Says the person who used a jewelry store closet at least four times a week to have sex!"

"I'm just saying; you don't need to jump him _every_ time you're alone."

"Dude, why are you here?" Knowing Rachel was on the verge of tossing something at Puck, Finn reached up to grab the arms still firmly wrapped around his neck, rubbing them to calm her. Grabbing her arms was beneficial to _him_ also, since Rachel was starting to have a death grip around his neck and he'd _really_ like to live to enjoy the rest of his cruise.

"Well Finny-Bear, Q and I were just talking to the Asians and Q sent me to tell Berry that she and Tina want to eat early so they can get up to the pool and get chairs."

"Oh. Tell Quinn that we'll be ready in 15 minutes then." Relatively calmer, Rachel relaxed her grip on Finn.

"15 minutes! But-" Finn protested, turning to look at Rachel with a pleading look.

"15 minutes," she said firmly, climbing off the bed and heading into the bathroom. The door shut behind her and the click of the lock was heard, a sound that didn't go unnoticed by the other two.

Finn watched her go, amazed that she could turn her libido off as quickly as she turned it on. _He_ certainly couldn't do that, as evidenced by the tent still in his boxers. Quickly, he summoned a mental picture of Sue Sylvester wearing a bikini on the softball field, since Rachel refused to get rid of it for him and the only other option he had to get rid of the erection himself, he couldn't do with Puck in the room.

Fortunately, the image of Sue Sylvester wearing a white bikini on the pitcher's mound worked and he was soon able to focus on Puck. "Dude! Why are you cockblocking me? I don't do that to you and Quinn!"

"I'm guessing you're under control now? That blanket wasn't hiding the muffin butterer in your boxers, bro." He smirked. "And to answer your other question, I can't help it if Berry Blocking is so much fun."

"Yeah, real fun," Finn snapped as he lay back down on the bed. "That's why I'm talking to you instead of getting to third base."

Puck shrugged, grinning maniacally. "It's fun for me."

"And _stop_ calling her Muffin. It's my nickname for her and you calling her it upsets her. Don't do it again," Finn threatened, glancing at the still closed bathroom door.

"Whatever you say, Finny-Bear."

"Dude, stop calling me Finny-Bear!" he snapped again. "You don't hear me constantly calling you whatever nickname Quinn has for you."

"That's cause it would be fucking weird if you called me your Sex God," Puck retorted, puffing out his chest in pride. "Berry just makes it so fucking easy to Berry Block."

"How would you like it if I did that to you and Quinn?"

He shrugged again. "If you want to pick up some pointers, be my guest. As a matter of fact, Q's in the bathroom now, I think I'll get some steamy bathroom action before breakfast. You know what that's like, right?" He glanced at the closed bathroom door, the smirk still firmly in place as he started walking to the front door. "Guess you don't, Finny-Bear."

He managed to make it to the door just as the pillow hit the wall next to him. "Tell Muffin I said bye."

Laughing, he ducked out the door before the next pillow could hit him.

* * *

><p>"Where's Puck?" Mike asked as he and Finn waited for their omelets to be ready. He glanced back at the table to see if he or Quinn had arrived yet, but only Artie, Blaine, Rachel and Tina were seated, chatting happily as they ate their breakfasts.<p>

"Probably in his steamy bathroom," Finn muttered, still annoyed that his fun times had been interrupted.

"Huh?"

"He climbed over the balcony and totally cockblocked me this morning. Rachel was so pissed; she locked me out of the bathroom." He accepted the plate with his omelet on it from the chef, placing it on his tray.

Mike laughed as he accepted his own plate. "Better you than me. Tina promised me some on deck public action today. He better not get in the way of that."

"Yeah? Where's that gonna be?" Finn asked, hoping it wasn't the same place he'd earmarked for him and Rachel.

Mike waggled his eyebrows. "That's for me and Tina to know and you not to find out."

"Fine. If Tina knows, that means Rachel does too." He shrugged. "You just better hope Quinn doesn't know or Puckerman will be there with his score cards. Maybe I should tell him so he'll leave me and Rachel long enough to fuck in our own room."

"Funny," Mike replied. "Puck's already gotten us anyway. He called our room to ask if Tina was yelling in Korean or English because he couldn't tell through the wall."

Finn chuckled as they started making their way towards the table. "He's unbelievable. Funny, but unbelievable."

"Who's unbelievable?" Rachel asked as he sat down next to her.

"No one baby," he responded, stealing a grape off her plate and popping it in his mouth.

She narrowed her eyes. "I'm going to assume that since you won't tell me, it means that you and Mike were discussing Noah."

"Maybe, maybe not. You'll never know," he teased, stealing another grape, but popping it in Rachel's mouth this time.

She chewed in silence for a moment before speaking. "Since we're going to be at sea all day today and Thursday, Kurt, the girls and I have decided to have the spa day we were promised for playing paintball on Thursday and we're going to spend today out by the pool."

Blaine groaned. "I don't even want to _think_ about what that's going to cost me."

Tina leaned her head on Mike's arm. "What are you guys going to do today?"

"We're gonna rock climb," Finn announced excitedly. "You sure you don't want to try it, Ray?"

"Nope." She waved a hand dismissively. "You boys have fun doing it."

"Then we're gonna have a shuffleboard tournament," Artie added. "Me and Finn vs. Mike and Blaine."

"What about Noah? He's not playing?"

"He said he was gonna be sexing it up all day," Artie replied, shrugging.

Tina scoffed. "I highly doubt that since Quinn's already said she's coming to the pool."

"That must be why he's not here. God forbid he goes more than an hour without sex," Rachel commented, rolling her eyes as she sipped her tea.

Finn perked up at Rachel's statement, an idea germinating in his mind. He looked at Mike, trying to sound casual. "Maybe I should go ask Puck if he wants to play."

Mike grinned, catching on. "I think maybe you should. Go now."

"Be right back, babe." Finn pressed a quick kiss to Rachel's temple before rushing off to Puck and Quinn's room.

To his disappointment, the door was answered by a fully dressed Quinn. "Oh, hey Finn. We were just getting ready to go eat."

"Where's Puck?" he asked as he walked in. "I gotta ask him something."

"He's in the bathroom." She knocked on the door lightly. "Bun?"

Finn whirled around, not quite sure if he'd heard Quinn call Puck _'Bun' _but feeling like Christmas might've just come early.

Quinn knocked again before slipping in and closing the door behind her.

Not feeling the least bit of guilt, he stood by the bathroom door, listening to the conversation inside the bathroom.

"_You come back for seconds?"_

"_Finn's here. He wants to ask you something."_

"_Oh. He can wait and listen to your screams of ecstasy. We can show him how it's supposed to sound."_

"_Puck! Why must you be so gross? You know I don't like it. What happened to my cute little Bunny Pants?"_

"_I'm still your Bunny Pants. I'm just your Bunny Pants who wants to take you on this bathroom counter right now."_

"_Puck! Finn's waiting for you! No!"_

He could hear Puck grumbling and backed away from the door, trying to hide the fact that he was grinning like a fool. Quickly, he sat down on the bed, hoping it looked like he'd been waiting patiently for Puck to emerge. He'd hoped to catch them in the act, but this was _so_ much better. His mind was whirling, trying to figure out the best way to use his newly gained information. There were a number of things he could do with the fact that Quinn called Puck "_Bunny Pants_", but one thing was certain.

He was gonna have fun with this.

"S'up?" Puck asked as he came out of the bathroom, wearing his bathing suit. "Q said you wanted to ask me something?"

"Yeah, we're gonna go rock climbing. You want to come?"

"Sounds good. Just gotta eat first," Puck replied, smelling a shirt on top of his suitcase before putting it on.

"We already ate, but I'm sure you could grab a _bun_ or something," Finn suggested innocently, trying not to laugh.

Puck gave him an odd look but looked back at the bathroom to yell to Quinn. "Hey Q! You ready?"

"I'm coming!" she called back from the bathroom. She emerged a second later. "See?"

"Ready, dude?" he called over his shoulder to Finn as he put an arm around Quinn.

Finn followed them out of the room and back to the dining room, mentally running through various schemes to get back at Puck in his head. He settled back in his chair next to Rachel while Puck and Quinn went to get some food, along with Kurt and Mercedes who'd also just arrived.

"You ok? You have a strange look on your face, Finn," Rachel asked in concern, rubbing his arm soothingly.

"I'm perfect, babe." He grinned at her, placing a kiss on her head. "Just perfect."

"So what are we doing today? Pool?" Quinn asked, as she placed her plate on the table and sat down, Puck just behind her.

Puck placed his own plate on the table, glancing at Rachel, whom he innocently held his plate out to. "Muffin, Berry?"

Rachel glared at him, focusing her attention on Quinn. "We're going to relax by the pool."

"I'm dying to try the water slide," Quinn announced, sipping her tea. "It looks like so much fun."

"Doesn't it? I can't wait to go on," Tina agreed excitedly.

Rachel nodded eagerly, ignoring the show Puck was putting on as he loudly ate his muffin.

Mercedes, sitting across from Puck, was unable to ignore it. "What is wrong with you? Didn't you ever learn table manners?"

"What? I'm just eating my muffin," he replied, an innocent look on his face as he turned to Finn. "Isn't that how you eat your muffin, Hudson?"

Finn stared at him before turning to Rachel. "You know what? I think I'm going to get some pancakes. You want some, babe? They have animal shaped ones, like cats and _bunnies_."

He snuck a glance at Puck, only to see that he had a normal expression on his face as he continued to eat his muffin.

_Rachel_, on the other hand, was giving him an odd look. "I already ate, Finn."

He shrugged, trying not to grin. "I know, but I just thought you'd want a _bunny pantscake_, since they're so cute and everything."

"What did you just say?" Rachel asked, catching onto his intentional slipup.

"I asked you if you wanted a bunny pancake, since they're so cute," he repeated, making sure to pronounce pancake correctly this time, pleased to see that Puck was now watching him carefully. "You sure you don't want a pancake?"

"No. You eat your pancake. I'm going to go out by the pool with Tina now," Rachel decided, picking her bag up off the floor. She gave him a quick kiss. "I'll save you a seat."

Throwing a final glare at Noah, she hurried off with Tina, more than anxious to get away from him and his mocking.

Finn stared at Puck, who'd quietly resumed eating his muffin. He wasn't sure if Puck caught onto what he was doing yet, but he knew one thing.

He was _definitely_ having fun with this.

* * *

><p>"You're blocking my sun."<p>

Finn stared down at Kurt, who hadn't bothered to remove his sunglasses or even pick his head up as he accused his brother of sun blocking. He stayed in the same spot, purposely casting his large shadow over Kurt. "That better?"

"Very funny. Now move."

"Finny, stop tormenting Kurt," Rachel directed from her chair next to Kurt as she flipped through her magazine. Obediently, Finn sat down on the bottom of Rachel's chair, letting her place her legs in his lap. "How was rock climbing?"

"Awesome, babe," Finn replied, not bothering to tell her that it was even more awesome because he'd managed to work in the phrase _quick like a bunny_ when Puck was taking his sweet ass time climbing. The phrase had caused Puck to stare at him and call him a pansy for using it, but it still didn't appear that Puck had caught on.

Which meant he needed to step it up.

Quinn peered at him from the other side of Kurt. "Where's Puck?"

"He's coming. He, Blaine and Mike are in the bathroom," Finn answered, attempting to maneuver his body so that he was lying next to Rachel on the lounge chair. Rachel didn't seem too pleased by this, judging from the smacks she was giving him as he squished himself next to her.

"Finn, no! I saved you a chair!" she reprimanded. "Go sit your giant body in the chair I saved for you!"

"Nope. I like this one, since it comes with a hot girl," he announced, easily picking her up and placing her in front of him between his legs. She squealed a little as he wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her neck. He moved his mouth slightly to whisper lowly in her ear. "You wore that bathing suit to torment me, didn't you?"

She turned her head at his words, placing a kiss on his lips. "So what if I did?"

"_Tease,_" he murmured against her lips, kissing her several times.

"Again? Seriously, I'm going to start carrying around a spray bottle," Puck announced as he sat down on the empty chair next to Rachel while Mike sat on the end of Tina's. "Or better yet, a _whisk_." He smirked when he saw Finn and Rachel adopt matching glares.

"What the hell does that mean?" Kurt questioned from Rachel's other side.

"Ask Hudson. Apparently he likes to bake," Puck directed, leaning back in his chair and placing his hands behind his head. Kurt immediately looked at Rachel over his sunglasses, his eyes demanding an answer.

"Who wants to go on the waterslide?" Rachel asked quickly, looking back at Finn, who nodded eagerly. She stood up, calling into the pool, where Mercedes was relaxing, talking to Blaine and Artie who'd parked himself nearby. "Mer! We're going on the waterslide now!"

Mercedes nodded and immediately began making her way to pool steps, while Blaine took Artie's handles and started pushing him towards the group.

Rachel, pleased that she'd successfully distracted everyone, turned to Kurt. "Kurt?"

"One time won't mess too badly with my hair," he decided, standing up.

This left Quinn, Tina, Mike and Puck, the first three of whom had already stood up, while the latter had remained firmly seated.

"Coming, Noah?" Rachel asked sweetly, knowing full well what the problem was, as did Mercedes.

"Fuck no. You know I don't like rides," he responded.

"Really?" Quinn raised an eyebrow in surprise. "You're afraid?"

"I'm _not_ afraid. I just don't like losing my stomach," he retorted.

"Sounds to me like you're afraid, dude," Finn commented.

"I don't like rides, I never did," Puck defended, crossing his arms against his chest. "Sue me."

"Come on, you're just sitting in a tube. It's no big deal," Quinn argued.

"Not interested. That thing goes off the side of the ship."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Forget it Quinn. You have a better chance of pulling a rabbit out of Kurt's hat than getting Noah on a ride."

Rachel's unintended jab at Noah caused Finn to cough violently. Concerned, the group turned their eyes towards Finn, momentarily forgetting about Puck and his fears.

"Are you ok?" Kurt finally asked, while Rachel immediately began patting Finn on the back.

"I'm great," Finn replied, putting his arm around Rachel's shoulders. "Just great."

"So are you coming or not?" Quinn asked, returning to the topic at hand.

"Fuck no."

"Maybe you need to bribe him with something, Quinn," Finn suggested innocently. "You know, dangle a _carrot_ in front of him."

"It's not going to work because I'm _not _going on," Puck announced in a bored tone. "Not even if Q promises me some sex positions that have been previously been on her _not gonna happen_ list."

Rachel snorted. "How is that an incentive? You two go at it like rabbits anyway."

Finn coughed again, ignoring Puck's retort about his and Rachel's sex life. Rachel didn't even know about Puck's nickname and she'd already helped him out with his secret battle twice, totally adding to the reasons of why she was such an awesome girlfriend.

"Really, Finny, I think we should get you a drink," Rachel said worriedly. "Why are you coughing so much?"

"Babe, I'm fine. _I'm_ just ready to go on the waterslide, unlike some people," he assured her, still grinning at her comment.

"Come on, even Kurt's going on," Quinn pressed.

"Yeah, Puck come on. Don't be a _bunny_, I mean baby," Finn added innocently.

Realization finally dawned on Puck's face as he took in Finn's words. Finn watched closely as a range of expressions crossed Puck's face before he adopted a look of indifference. He chose not to answer Finn, narrowing his eyes at Rachel instead as he directed his retort to her. "You knocked up, Berry?"

"_What?_" Rachel exclaimed, glancing down at her perfectly toned flat stomach. "Of course I'm not pregnant!"

Puck shrugged. "My mistake. I guess it's just a bit of _muffin_ top."

"Okayyyy, time to go," Finn announced, quickly picking up a furious Rachel and throwing her over his shoulder before she could attack Puck. He strode away, leaving a smirking Puck behind them. He waited until he was a safe distance away before putting a still screeching Rachel back on the ground.

"How _dare_ he? Could he be any more immature?" she fumed as he pulled her to his chest in that well practiced manner he'd adapted post Puck-frontation. He could feel her relax slightly and he began stroking her hair. "Insinuating that I'm pregnant! And didn't you tell him to stop calling me Muffin?"

"I did. I told him that it's _my_ name for you but you know how he is," he assured her, kissing her head a few times. "At least no one else knows what's going on."

"Good," Rachel muttered darkly. "Because Noah's going to pay."

He stroked her hair a little harder, waiting for her to calm. "Baby, what would you say if I told you I had some info that might be useful to you?"

She tilted her head up to look at him. "Really?"

He grinned down at her. "And what would you say if I told you I knew Quinn's nickname for Puck and that it was_ super_ embarrassing?"

Her face lit up as her arms snaked around his neck. "I'd say you're about to get so _incredibly_ lucky. What is it?"

"Quinn," he placed a kiss on her lips. "Refers to Puck," another kiss. "As _Bunny Pants._"

"No!" she squealed in happiness as she began pulling him towards the elevator.

"Where are we going?" he asked, hoping she was pulling him where he _thought_ she was pulling him. "What about everyone else?"

"They can wait." She pressed the elevator button anxiously. "We have to plan."

"Oh." His face fell at her words since he'd been hoping she was leading him back to the room for sex. He followed her into the crowded elevator.

She noticed his facial expression and stepped closer to him, wrapping one arm around him and discreetly running her fingers along the waistband of his bathing suit under his t-shirt with the other. He glanced down at her wondering what she was doing, but her face was the portrait of innocence as she watched for their deck.

Rachel dragged him out of the elevator and down the hall to their room, quickly unlocking the door and pushing him in. She continued pushing him until he was against the nearest wall, her hands making their way under the elastic band of his bathing suit. Rapidly, she pulled his bathing suit down, letting it fall around his ankles.

He grinned, already pulling off his shirt and stepping out of the bathing suit as Rachel kissed his chest all over. Freed from his clothing, he hoisted her up, kissing her face and turning so that _she_ was now pinned against the wall, his fingers rapidly untying her bikini top and throwing it to the side.

"I thought we were planning?" he murmured against her neck using the wall as leverage so his hands could fondle her breasts.

"Lucky for you, I do my best planning naked," she breathed, loving the feeling of him all over her as always. She picked his head off her neck, pulling him in for a hard kiss before sliding down his body. Forcefully, she pushed him against the opposite wall, kissing his chest as she got on her knees. Placing a kiss on the juncture of his leg and torso, she smiled up at him, reaching up to let her nails scrape down his chest before she took him in her hand, licking him from base to tip once. "I believe you called for a vacuum earlier, Mr. Hudson."

"I think I did," he managed to get out, feeling Rachel start to take him in her mouth and groaning when he felt himself hit the back of her throat. His hand tangled in her hair as her head began moving rhythmically. "Shit, Rach. Baby, you feel so good."

She moved faster, working him in her mouth the way she knew drove him crazy. Once she was positive he was worked up enough, she began humming against his shaft, knowing it would put him over the edge.

"_Ray_…" he moaned, feeling himself shoot into her mouth. Her hands came up to grip his base as she continued working him with her mouth until he went soft. "_Babe_…"

She released him, kissing his chest as she stood up. "Was that a good enough thank you for getting that information?"

He grinned, pulling her to him for a kiss. "Baby, you're _amazing._"

"I know," she replied saucily, gripping his butt and pulling him with her as she walked backwards to the bed. He grinned, kissing her as he followed. They fell onto the bed together, their lips fused as their hands roamed freely until Finn was ready to go again.

Finn tore his lips from Rachel's mouth to blaze a trail down her chest, greeting each breast in turn with his mouth. "So fucking amazing," he murmured as his hands took over breast duty, letting his mouth ghost over her stomach.

"_Finn…" _Her back arched at his actions while her hands attempted to grasp the bedding. She picked her head up when she felt the loss of Finn's mouth and hands, surprised to see him sitting back on his legs, staring at her. "What are you doing?"

"It's just occurred to me that you still have your bikini bottom on, Muffin," he explained in a husky voice, bending over to place a hot kiss on the material before he picked up her legs and placed both of them on his right shoulder as he sat back up. Rachel lifted her hips as his fingers slid under the fabric of her bikini, easily sliding the tiny bottom up and off her legs. Keeping her legs against his shoulder, he stood up on his knees. Quickly, he pulled her hips to him, grinning at the little gasp that escaped from her mouth when she felt him inside her. "You like that, baby?"

She didn't answer, using her incredible flexibility to arch her back so that her shoulders and head were the only parts of her body touching the bed. He took that as a yes, placing his hands on her lower back to support her as he began moving. Her own hands reached behind him to grip his thighs as she matched his thrusts with her own movements.

"_Finn_…" she moaned, her nails digging into his thighs as he gave a particularly hard thrust. "_Oh! Yes!"_

He smirked, his hands coming up to grip the legs still against his shoulders. Still moving in and out of her, he pried her legs off his shoulder, separating them and spreading her legs wide as he leaned forward, changing the angle and causing Rachel to scream in pleasure. The new angle made them both see stars and he took advantage of her surprise to change the pace by slowing down his thrusts for a moment.

"Faster, baby," Rachel breathed, barely able to get the words out, her eyes closed. "Faster."

Finn complied, folding her legs against her chest as he picked up speed. He leaned on top of her, pressing his chest against her folded legs and using the close proximity to kiss her lips, swallowing her cries. He could feel her walls tightening around him and knew she was close. He wasn't going to last much longer either, but he wanted to try and make them come together. He snaked his hand between them, trying to help her get there. "Come on, babe. Come for me."

A few more thrusts and she was coming undone under him, screaming his name louder than he'd ever heard her yell, and that included that time they'd done it in the suite at the World Series. Her screams were all he needed to fuel his own release and he could feel his face puckering into what Rachel liked to call his '_Cute O Face_' as he spilled into her. She grabbed his face with her hands, kissing him several times as they came down from their highs.

Giving Rachel one last kiss, he sat up to pull himself out of her, resettling on the pillows while Rachel went to clean herself off in the bathroom. He could hear her running the shower in there and he was just contemplating joining her when he heard a noise over by the door.

"_Psst! You guys done?"_

Startled, Finn looked over at the slightly open door, realizing with a sickening feeling that it must not have closed all the way when they'd come in before. Mike's hand was sticking through the door, holding it open a little more so he could whisper through it. Finn jumped up, scrambling to find his bathing suit or boxers, managing to find his discarded bathing suit before he gave the all clear to come in.

"Dude, way to go," Mike announced as he walked in. "That was quite a show you gave the people in the hallway. Some teenagers were listening to the whole thing, practically taking notes. One of them asked me what position you two were using to get screams like that out of her before I shooed them away."

Finn put his head in his hands as he sat back down on the bed. "Rachel's gonna flip when she finds out the door was open. How much did _you _hear?"

"Enough to know that that wasn't the missionary position." He sat down at the vanity, assuming from the rumpled bedspread that that was where the action had happened.

Finn laughed. "It definitely wasn't. Puck told me about it, although I added some stuff. I think he got it from some porno."

"Be glad they sent me to find out where you two went and not him. You _know_ he wouldn't have waited outside," Mike replied. "So what's this great position?"

Eagerly, Finn launched into the details of the position as Mike listened intently, neither noticing the water in the bathroom shutting off.

"_Are you ready to __**plan**__ some more, baby?"_

Rachel's voice dripped with seduction as she suddenly appeared in the doorway of the bathroom. Finn and Mike both turned their heads at the voice, eyes growing wide when they realized Rachel was seductively leaning back against the doorway like a pinup model, stark naked.

Finn, unable to say anything and having completely forgotten that Rachel was in there _naked_, let his head swivel between Rachel and Mike, whose mouth had dropped open.

Rachel's face mirrored their own after a few seconds as she took in the sight of both her boyfriend _and_ his coworker/best friend in front of her. She screamed, trying to cover herself as she turned to go back in the bathroom but only succeeding in crashing into the doorframe. She screamed again, trying to check for damage to her face and keep herself covered at the same time, finally managing to slink into the bathroom.

"Dude! Close your mouth!" Finn hissed to Mike, who'd remained in the same position, his mouth hanging open and eyes wide. "Stop checking out my girlfriend!"

"I…I should go," Mike stammered as he stood up and raced towards the door. "I'll see you by the pool."

Finn waited until the door _firmly_ shut behind him before he attempted to knock on the bathroom door. "Babe? He's gone. You can come out now."

"_I'm never coming out again! I'm spending the rest of the cruise in this bathroom!" _

He rolled his eyes at her dramatics. "What about food, baby?"

"_I don't care! I'm humiliated, Finn! Go have fun with everyone. I have the Maxim you were reading in here last night to keep me entertained."_

"Rachel, come on. We're going to be in the Cayman Islands tomorrow and you wanted to swim with the Sting-Rays, right? Can't do that from the bathroom," Finn persuaded through the door. "Plus, I think Kurt was planning on going jewelry shopping with Mercedes too. Didn't you want to get a necklace or something?"

"_Have Kurt pick one out for me. He was probably going to hate what I picked out anyway."_

"So you're just going to live in the bathroom?" he whined. "What if I have to go?"

"_Go use Noah's. I'm sure he's got a wide variety of inappropriate reading material to choose from for the hour or so you'll be in there."_

"Rachel. Open this door now," he demanded, finally losing patience.

"_No."_

"Open the door!"

"_No. No one is ever seeing me naked again, including you."_

Finn paled at that, concerned she might actually stick to that. "Muffin, come on. Mike barely saw anything."

"_He saw everything, Finn! Everything!"_

"Fine. Stay in the bathroom. I'm gonna- _shit!_" he cried, pretending to be injured and hoping Rachel would fall for it. _"Fuck!"_

"_What? What happened, Finn?" _

"I'm injured," he lied, putting on his most pitiful voice as the door stayed firmly shut.

"_With what?" _

The suspicion was evident in her voice, but he pressed on with his lie anyway. "I hurt my finger, babe. I think I need to go to the ship doctor."

"_What are you, two? Who hurts their finger?"_

"It's really bleeding, baby. I need you to take me to the doctor," he whined, hoping she bought it as he picked up her bikini top lying near his feet.

"You really better be bleeding," Rachel threatened as she opened the door, a towel wrapped around her. As she'd suspected, Finn was fine, causing her to narrow her eyes immediately as she began to close the door. Finn was too quick for her, placing his foot and arm in the way. "_Finn!"_

"Rachel, this is ridiculous. You're being a Drama Queen," he insisted as he picked her up and carried her out of the bathroom, ignoring the pounding fists against her back. He placed her on the bed, staring down at her towel clad body as he held out her bikini top. "Put it on."

"Turn around."

"Hate to break it to you babe, but you've got nothing I haven't seen before. I've memorized your body like a map," Finn replied, still holding out her top. "You can tell me to turn around, but I'll just picture you naked in my head."

Rachel's eyes narrowed. "You'd better not."

"Too late. I just pictured your awesome boobs, Rach."

"Finn! Stop picturing me naked! You're not allowed to do that anymore!" Rachel demanded. "I mean it; no one's allowed to see me naked anymore, not even in their head!"

"I probably shouldn't have pictured your amazing ass just now, then," he replied, grinning at how frustrated she was getting. She flopped back on the bed as he lay down next to her, kissing her neck a few times. "Baby, seriously, put your bathing suit on so we can go hang out."

"How would you like it if Tina and I were sitting here and you came out to surprise me in your birthday suit, letting Tina see Fraulein Maria?" she pouted, ignoring the kisses he was placing along her jaw. "Come to think of it, why aren't you mad that Mike saw what _you_ enjoy on a daily basis?"

He stopped his kissing momentarily. "We _agreed_ never to call my boys Fraulein Maria again."

She rolled her eyes. "I still don't see what's wrong with that name, but fine. How would you like it if Tina saw Longfellow?"

After much arguing, they'd finally agreed to call Finn's manhood Longfellow, rather than Finn's choice of Vagina Miner. Rachel had chosen the name in honor of one of her favorite writers, although she still liked Fraulein Maria. Finn had agreed to Longfellow only after Rachel pointed out that it was complimentary to him and that she could secretly announce she wanted sex by saying she was in the mood to read some Longfellow.

"That's better. It totally sucks that Mike saw you but short of seeing his junk, there's nothing you can do about it." He resumed his kissing, heading towards her ear. "He's probably dragging Tina off to that secret spot he wouldn't tell me about right now after seeing your smoking hot body."

Rachel turned her head towards him. "What did you just say?"

"I don't know, what'd I say?" he murmured, trying to attach his lips to her neck, which became impossible once she sat up. Undaunted, he simply began kissing the back of her shoulders.

She shrugged him off and dropped her towel as she stood up; seemingly forgetting that she'd sworn never to be naked in front of Finn again as she whirled around to face him, one hand on her hip. "Babe, where'd you throw my bathing suit bottom? Never mind, I'll just put a new one on."

He watched in amusement and lust as a naked Rachel strode over to the bureau and pulled out a new bathing suit, quickly putting it on along with a pair of shorts. Smiling, her eyes still containing that mysterious glint, she made her way over to Finn. Using her knee to separate his legs so she could stand between them, she placed her arms on his shoulders. "Ready?"

"I thought you were never leaving the bathroom?" He quirked an eyebrow at her, the sudden mood swing making him nervous.

"Don't be silly, Finn. If I stayed in the bathroom, how would I ever be able to do this?" She placed her lips on his in a sweet kiss. "I'd miss my Finny-Bear too much."

"So you're gonna come hang out with _everyone_, even Puck and Mike?" he stipulated, accepting her kiss with one of his own.

"Of course, Finn. They're our friends." Her eyes darkened for a moment before she pasted a bright smile on her face. "Come."

Still suspicious, he allowed himself to be pulled off the bed and out the door, accepting a high five from the teenager in the hallway.

Rachel stared at him curiously as they walked back to the elevator. "What was that about?"

"Don't know. I guess people are friendly on cruises," he replied, knowing perfectly well what that high five was for. He glanced down at her as he slipped his hand into hers, more concerned with what she was up to. He wasn't stupid. He knew what that mysterious glint in Rachel's eyes meant.

Rachel was up to something.

What that was, he didn't know, but he was willing it bet she hadn't forgotten about the Muffin incident, nor that she forgotten about Mike's visit. He did know one thing, though.

He would _not_ want to be Puck or Mike right now.

* * *

><p>"Where have you two been?" Kurt asked bluntly once Finn and Rachel appeared back on the pool deck.<p>

"We were in our room, if you must know," Finn replied, pulling his shirt off and tossing it on top of Rachel's bag that she'd left there before.

Kurt peered at Rachel over his glasses. "Never mind. Judging from the wild hair Rachel has, I'm positive I don't want to know."

Puck smirked from his nearby chair. "You sure, Hummel? Because I'd say it looks like Hudson stopped to eat a _muffin_."

Rachel glared at him as she removed her shorts, folding both her shorts and Finn's shirt and placing them neatly in her bag. She straightened up, staring at a little boy nearby. "Oh, how adorable!"

"What?" Kurt asked, staring also.

"That little boy is wearing the sweetest bathing suit!" she announced brightly as she turned to Finn. "Do you see it, babe? His bathing suit has _Bugs Bunny _all over it. The bunnies are just wearing the cutest_ pants_, don't you think, Finny?"

"Absolutely adorable, baby," Finn assured her, trying not to laugh at the look on Puck's face.

"I guess it's cute," Kurt replied doubtfully as he stood up. "Anyone want a drink?"

Rachel and Finn both nodded negatively, Puck doing the same from his chair. Satisfied, Kurt wandered off towards the bar as Finn turned towards Rachel. "Want to go in the water?"

"Careful, Hudson. Muffins get soggy if you add too much water."

"Funny, Noah," Rachel snapped. She slipped her hand into Finn's. "Come, Finny. Let's go to the Solarium pool. Noah and his childlike mentality aren't allowed in there, since its adults only."

"Have fun Muffin." Puck smirked; taking pleasure in Rachel's narrowed eyes. "You too, Finny-Bear."

"Real cute, Noah." She picked up her bag, placing it over her shoulder.

Puck shrugged, placing his hands behind his head. "I try."

"I'm sure Quinn thinks you're cute like a bunny," Rachel commented innocently, ignoring Noah's spurts of indignation as she led Finn out of the chaotic outdoor pool area and into the calmness of the adults only Solarium. She quickly spotted Mercedes reading a book on a nearby chair, and dropped her bag near her chair.

"Nice one babe," Finn praised as he led her into the pool, still laughing at Puck's face. He lowered himself into the water, getting his shoulders wet.

Rachel giggled as she wrapped her arms around his neck from behind. "You think he knows we know?"

"Oh, he knows. He knew before, that's why he asked if you were pregnant," Finn replied, grinning at the thought as he waded over to one of the underwater benches, Rachel still attached to his back. "I'm sure he's trying to think of some way to get back at us."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "I'm sure it'll be in some juvenile way."

"You know it." He chuckled. "We never got to plan, you know."

She quirked an eyebrow at him as she slid off his back, waiting until he sat on the underwater bench before she settled on his lap. "I think what we did was more productive."

"True. It was definitely more fun," he replied, rubbing her leg underwater.

Rachel smiled, reaching up to attempt to flatten that chunk of Finn's hair that was always sticking up. As usual, his hair refused to cooperate. "I agree. _Oh!_ Umbrella drinks!"

Finn craned his head to see what Rachel was talking about, spying a nearby waiter with a tray of tropical looking drinks. He gestured the waiter over, getting Rachel her umbrella drink and placing an order for a beer for himself. He grinned at Rachel as he handed her the drink. "How awesome is this, babe? Aren't you glad you didn't stay in the bathroom?"

"Mmm-hmm." She sipped her drink, leaning over to let him have a taste of the frozen drink on her lips via a kiss.

"There you are! We all went on the waterslide without you two!"

Finn and Rachel both turned their heads to see Tina, one hand holding an umbrella drink like Rachel's and the other holding onto an eyes downcast Mike, wading their way.

Rachel blushed a deep red, wrapping one arm tightly around Finn's neck. He winced as her nails dug into his neck, deciding to answer Tina since Rachel was too busy looking down at the water. "We'll go on it soon; we just had to go back to our room for a moment."

"Oh, well it was really great, right Mike?" Tina asked, wrapping an arm around her boyfriend's waist who like Rachel, was seemingly fascinated by the water. "Mike?"

"Yeah, it was great," he muttered, picking his eyes up to look anywhere but at Rachel for a moment before resuming his water inspection.

Tina glanced at him curiously before speaking. "Mike, are you ok?"

"Fine. I'm fine," he stammered, still not looking at Rachel.

"Are you sure?" Tina asked doubtfully. "Maybe you should sit next to Finn and Rachel. Slide over, Finn."

Mike looked up for the first time. "No! I'm fine. Let's go."

"Bye!" Tina called out to Finn and Rachel as Mike towed her off towards the pool steps.

"Well that wasn't awkward," Finn commented, reaching up to remove Rachel's fingernails from his neck. "You can stop staring at the water now."

"I wasn't staring," Rachel insisted. "I was simply trying to see what bathing suit you were wearing."

"Right. I guess that's what Mike was doing too," Finn responded, more than a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

"Well it _is_ a very cute pattern," Rachel insisted, adamant in sticking to her denial. "And it looks super cute on you."

"Really."

"Oh yes. You look biteable."

The sarcasm was lost momentarily as he grinned. "Yeah? I'm biteable?"

"Mmm-hmm." She attempted to lean into his neck, trying to show him exactly how biteable she thought he was.

Finn stopped her with a finger on her lips, a stern expression on his face and the sarcasm back in his tone. "My bathing suit's solid blue. Check your facts before you commit to a lie next time."

Rachel huffed, furious that she hadn't noticed he _wasn't_ wearing the Hawaiian floral patterned bathing suit she'd bought him last week. "Well it _does_ look super cute on you when you actually wear it."

"I'll have to remember that tomorrow." He placed a few kisses against her temple, hoping to calm her.

"I can remind you," Rachel murmured, turning her head to kiss his lips lightly. Before she could do or say anything else, a new voice interrupted her.

"Must we be subjected to your public displays of affection constantly? We get it, you like each other." Kurt's unwelcome voice paused their kissing and he smirked at the matching glares gracing both their faces.

"What do you want, Kurt?" Finn asked; the glare still present on his face.

"I can't come over and see what my brother and best friend are doing?" he replied casually as he sat on the edge of the pool, lowering his legs into the salt water carefully.

"No way you'd be in a salt water pool without an ulterior motive," Finn commented. "What do you want? We're busy."

"Fine. Quinn and Puck have disappeared, as have Mike and Tina, Mercedes is reading and Blaine and Artie went to check out the boxing equipment in the gym," Kurt announced, using his leg to splash some water at Finn. "I'm bored."

"Not my problem. Don't look if you don't want to see an upcoming display of public affection." Finn turned his head back to Rachel, fully expecting to resume his kissing but this time it was Rachel's turn to stop him by placing her finger on his lips. "Baby, what are you doing?"

"What did you say, Kurt?" Rachel asked, ignoring Finn's protests, her finger still on his lips.

"I said everyone's disappeared."

"Even Mike and Tina?" she questioned, making Finn groan against her lips. "Shh Finn. I'm talking to Kurt."

Kurt shrugged. "Yeah, they just took off, all secretive."

"Really." Rachel stared at him, a strange look on her face that Finn understood immediately.

"_Rachel_. Don't even think about it," he warned, already knowing that his words were useless since he knew his girlfriend was going to carry out whatever crazy scheme was in her head no matter what he said.

"Don't even think about what?" She climbed off his lap and stood in the water, one hand on her hip as she stared at him. "I'm simply questioning the whereabouts of my best friend and her boyfriend."

"Do I look stupid?" he asked, holding up a hand to stop Kurt, who'd already opened his mouth, from responding. "Shut up Kurt."

"I don't know what you're talking about baby," Rachel replied innocently as she backed away from him. "I just need to go tell Tina something."

"_Rachel_…" he tried again, sighing as he watched his girlfriend blow him a kiss and hurry towards the steps and out of the pool.

"What was that about?" Kurt asked, his eyes following Rachel's progress out of the pool area. "Were you two speaking in code?"

"Nothing," Finn muttered, getting a very bad feeling about the rest of his day. "Just enjoy the calm before the storm."

* * *

><p>"So where's everyone?" Artie asked as he parked his wheelchair next to a stretched out Finn, waiting for either Mercedes or Finn to answer.<p>

"Don't ask," Finn replied from under his arm. Rachel hadn't returned from her revenge mission yet, but he was sure he'd hear the screams before long.

"Quinn and Puck have disappeared, Kurt went back to his room to get the salt water off of him, and I have no idea where Rachel, Blaine, Mike or Tina are," Mercedes commented, not looking up from her book.

"Oh." Artie looked around the pool deck. "Here comes Rachel now."

Finn peeked out from under his arm. Sure enough, Rachel was slowly coming their way, her hand on her nose. One look at her face told Finn that her revenge mission had _not_ gone well. Not removing his arm from his head, he continued watching her progress, knowing that her revenge plot was about to become his problem.

And he couldn't even say _I told you so_ unless he had a death wish or didn't want to have sex ever again.

Just as he expected, Rachel made her way over to him, climbing onto his lounge chair and burying her face in his neck. He waited a moment to see if she started speaking but she simply continued to bury her face, tangling her arm around his head in a death grip.

"Baby, what happened?" he asked, reaching up to loosen the arm she had around his head. She mumbled something incoherent against his neck and he frowned, looking at Mercedes and Artie. "Rach baby, I can't understand you."

Rachel picked her head up slightly to whisper in his ear. "It didn't work."

Finn, who had no doubt whatever she'd been up to hadn't worked, sighed as he put his arms around her. "What happened?"

"Rachel, what's going on?" Mercedes added; a worried look on her face. "Is your nose bleeding?"

"Baby, tell me what happened," he persuaded as he rubbed Rachel's arm soothingly.

Ignoring Artie and Mercedes, she continued to whisper in Finn's ear. "Tina told me she and Mike were going to have a rendezvous in the library..."

_Rachel quietly opened the door to the ship's library and slipped into the deserted room, hoping she wasn't too late. _

_She glanced around the cool dark room, eyeing the tall shelves on one side. The room had lots of cozy nooks and seating arrangements but she ignored them since Tina had mentioned that she'd found the perfect spot behind a shelf this morning over breakfast when she'd confided her plans to Rachel._

_She cocked her head, listening to the low sounds coming from behind a shelf. Quietly, she crept over to the shelf, prepared to extract her revenge on Mike._

_"How do you like it when someone see you naked?" she cried as she jumped around the corner. "Ahhhhh!"_

_Her eyes fell not on Tina and Mike but a very naked Quinn bouncing on the lap of an equally naked Puck sitting in the armchair behind her. Eyes fixated on Quinn's ass in front of him, his hands were glued to her hips helping her move while his bathing suit was pooled around his ankles. _

_"Oh my God!" Rachel screamed, unable to do anything but stand there._

_"Rachel!" Quinn screeched, using Puck's hands to cover her breasts and trying to close her legs at the same time. _

_Puck smirked, freeing one hand to salute Rachel. "S'up, Berry? You come to pick up some tips?"_

_"Puck!" Quinn shrieked, grabbing his hand to cover herself again._

_Puck's words seemed to jostle Rachel into action because she screamed again as she turned to run out of the room, immediately crashing into the bookshelf and making her nose bleed slightly. Horrified, she grabbed her nose and ran out of the room._

Finn listened intently as she whispered all this in his ear, trying to control the laughter threatening to erupt. He gave up when his shoulders starting shaking, earning a smack from Rachel.

"I fail to see the humor in this!" she chided, smacking his chest again. "I had a bloody nose!"

"That's what you get for spying on other people," Finn admonished, ignoring the glare Rachel was giving him.

Fortunately for him (but unfortunately for Rachel), Tina chose that moment to come over to the group, dragging Mike along behind her, his eyes darting to the ground as soon as he'd seen Rachel lying in Finn's arms

"Hey guys," she greeted cheerfully, not noticing how tense both Mike and Rachel had gotten.

Rachel sat up, her eyes dark. "Don't _hey guys_ me. Why weren't you in the library just now?" she demanded, looking at Mike.

"Um because he was with me?" Tina volunteered, looking from Rachel to Mike..

"Don't give me that!" Rachel screeched. "_You_." She pointed at Mike. "Were supposed to be in the library just now so I could see _that_." She pointed to his groin emphatically.

"Am I missing something?" Tina asked, glancing around the group. "When did it suddenly become ok for _you_ to see _my_ boyfriend's penis?"

"Hmm. I don't know. How about since he saw me naked?" Rachel cried.

_"What?"_

"It was an accident!" Mike cried. "You think I _wanted_ to see Rachel naked? Why would I want to see that?"

"Hey!" Finn jumped in. "You're lucky you got to see how amazing Rachel looks naked."

"Where were you that you'd even have the opportunity to see Rachel like that?" Tina demanded, ignoring Finn's outburst.

"It was an accident!" Mike repeated frantically. "I was just-"

"Accident or not, I get to see it," Rachel insisted, cutting his explanation short. "Come on, take it out."

"_Rachel_!" Finn cried. "It was an accident. That doesn't mean you get to see his junk. I told you that before."

"I'm afraid it does, Finn. Didn't you ever see _Friends?" _Rachel questioned. "Tit for tat, right Artie?"

Artie nodded; thrilled his encyclopedic knowledge of TV shows was coming in handy. "Episode 1.13 entitled _The One with the Boobies_ clearly establishes the tit for tat rule. Rachel gets a free pass without getting in trouble from either Finn or Tina."

"Oh, well if it was on _Friends_," Finn commented sarcastically.

"So come on Mike, let's see," Rachel bossed, crossing her arms. "I'm waiting."

"Well you're going to wait a little bit more because you're _not_ seeing it," Tina declared, stepping in front of Mike protectively.

"Rach, get over it. He saw you and there's nothing you can do about it," Finn reasoned, lightly running his fingers up and down Rachel's back, hoping the effect would calm her.

No such luck.

"I'm not asking to see him _completely_ naked like he saw me, Finn. I'm simply asking to see his penis," Rachel replied as calmly as if she was asking for Mike to pass the butter at the table. "If they had been in the library like they were supposed to be, we would already be even."

Finn sighed. "_Babe_-"

"_Rachel!"_

The entire group stopped their squabbling to see an angry Quinn and a smirking Puck coming their way. Quinn came to a stop next to their chairs, while Puck settled easily onto the chair next to Mercedes.

Rachel blushed and looked away from Quinn. "Hello, Quinn."

"Really? That's all you have to say to me?" Quinn said frostily, her arms crossed.

"I'm sorry you got in the way, Quinn. You were an innocent bystander in my quest for vengeance," Rachel replied, glaring at Mike as she pointed to both Mike and Tina. "They were supposed to be in the library, not you."

"It's cool, Berry. You could probably learn a thing or two from Q anyway," Puck replied as he leaned back on the chair, the picture of relaxation.

"So Quinn, if Rachel saw you two naked, that means you get to see her naked," Tina said smugly. "Apparently it's the rule."

Rachel gasped. "Tina!"

"What?" she replied innocently, loving the fact that she was throwing Rachel's argument back in her face so quick. "Weren't you _just_ saying tit for tat?"

"Tit for tat, _not_ tit for tit," Rachel replied crossly, ignoring Puck, who'd sat up interested at this development. "And I'm still waiting, Mike."

"_Rachel!"_

"Not going to happen," Tina replied for Mike, who nodded affirmatively.

"The rule _says-_"

"Why do you want to see what Mike's got going on south of the border so bad, Berry? Hudson not packing enough for you?"

"_Noah!"_

"_Dude!" _Finn cried. "What'd I do to you?"

Puck didn't answer, glaring at Finn over the sunglasses he'd just slipped on.

"This has got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" Mercedes cut in, speaking for the first time. "Mike saw you, you saw Quinn. Big deal."

Rachel huffed. "Easy for you to say, Mer. Nobody saw you naked."

"Rachel, I hate to break it to you, but Mike's got exactly the same stuff as Finn in his bathing suit. Can we just drop it and have a nice vacation?" Mercedes pleaded.

"_No. _I want-" Rachel began, only to be cut off by Finn.

"Baby, come on. Mercedes is right. Drop it or I won't show you what's under_ my_ bathing suit," Finn threatened, hoping she fell for it because there was _no way_ he could back that threat up for longer than five minutes.

Rachel arched an eyebrow. "You wouldn't be able to last longer than five minutes."

Damn her.

Finn shrugged, trying not to let her see that she was right. "Try me."

Rachel leaned close to his ear so that her words were only audible to him. "That's too bad, since like Tina, I found a _special_ place I was planning to show you." She ran a finger down his chest. "_Naked."_

Finn sat up abruptly. "Yeah, uh…I'm going to get Rachel out of here before she causes more trouble."

Rachel barely had time to grab her bag before Finn towed her away from their group and out of sight.

"What the hell was that?" Mercedes asked, her head swimming from the events of the last ten minutes.

"God, you can be dense," Puck observed from his chair. "Obviously, she offered him some berry loving."

Tina nodded. "She was telling me this morning how she wanted to get Finn alone in the sauna. I bet that's where they went."

"Oooh Kurt would be furious if they got it on in his sanctuary," Artie added. "But bravo to them if they pull it off."

"Berry can't pull off public sex. She's too loud," Puck commented in a bored tone.

"Says the person who was just discovered having sex in a library," Mercedes retorted, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Hey, we were only found out because Berry thought it was an Asian fornification spot, right Q?"

Quinn nodded but said nothing, her mind working a mile a minute. She'd _never_ been more embarrassed and that only added to her ire. She supposed it wasn't entirely Rachel's fault and that she should be (and was) mad at Puck for dragging her into the library in the first place but that didn't stop the single thought that was running through her head:

Revenge was a bitch.

* * *

><p>"Baby, can you get me my book? It's in the pocket of my suitcase," Rachel called out from her seat on the balcony. "I forgot to put it in my bag before."<p>

Finn obliged, stopping at her suitcase as he made his way towards Rachel and the balcony. He pulled the book from the pocket, a box of condoms coming out with it. He stared at the condoms in surprise, trying to think of when the last time they'd actually used one was. It had to have been _months_ ago, something he was more than fine with.

Curious, he made his way onto the balcony with the book. He handed the book to her, giving her a kiss at the same time. "What's with the condoms in your suitcase, Rach?"

"It never hurts to be prepared, Finn," Rachel responded as she opened her book. "What if I forgot to take a pill or lost them or something? We'd have to go the rest of the trip without enjoying each other's company."

Finn paled at the idea of that, leaning over to give Rachel another kiss. "Thank God you're so prepared."

Rachel frowned. "If I was so prepared, I would have known that you need to have an appointment for the private saunas."

"So? We'll just have some sauna fun tomorrow instead of today," Finn promised. "Besides, we got to come back here and have a nap along with some cuddle time. I know how much you like that."

"I do, but only because you're such a good cuddler," Rachel agreed as her cell phone, which had been lying on the small table next to her, beeped. She picked it up, quickly reading the message that had come through. "Oh! We're late! Artie just texted saying that he and Mercedes are already at lunch and they have a table for all of us."

"And you're going to drop this whole tit for tat thing?" Finn stipulated, standing up and walking back into their room.

"Oh, I'll see his penis and have my revenge," Rachel said darkly as she followed him. "I've just come to realize that I need to up my game and let events unfold naturally. Come."

Finn sighed as she took his hand and led him towards the door, thankful that Rachel had ready access to his penis and therefore was not mad at him.

* * *

><p>To Finn's relief, lunch went by smoothly, mostly due to the fact that neither Mike and Tina nor Puck and Quinn showed up. Kurt and Blaine were also mysteriously absent, but since Rachel wasn't out for blood with either of those two, he wasn't too concerned about their whereabouts.<p>

The four of them headed back to Artie and Mercedes' room after lunch, Mercedes wanting to change before they checked out the casino.

While the girls were in the bathroom discussing Mercedes' makeup, Finn settled onto Artie's bed as Artie parked next to it, both prepared to wait. "So dude, I-"

A pounding on the door interrupted whatever Finn was about to say to Artie. Startled, they looked at each other as the incessant pounding continued.

_"I know you're in there! Open up!"_

Quickly, Finn ran to up the door, only to be met with an angry Quinn and a shellshocked looking Puck. "What's going on, guys?"

"You want to know what's going on? Oh, I'll tell you what's going on," Quinn retorted, leading Puck over to a chair and forcing him to sit in it.

"Babe, who's here?" Rachel asked as she and Mercedes came out of the bathroom. "Oh, hi Quinn." She peered at Puck. "What's wrong with Noah?"

"It's your fault," Quinn snapped.

"Mine? What did I do?" Rachel cried. "I've been with Finn the whole time."

"She has, Quinn," Finn added.

"Don't try and defend her," Quinn retorted. "You're just as much to blame. You should have been where you said you'd be."

"Oh, Lord, not this again," Mercedes exclaimed, throwing up her hands. "Who saw what on who now?"

A knock on the door sounded again, this time much calmer, revealing a much saner Mike and Tina.

Tina took one look around the tense group, her expression growing worried. "What happened now?"

"What happened, Tina, is that I was given false information from _you,_" Quinn snapped.

"Me? What did I say?" Tina asked, surprised.

"Did you or did you not tell me that Rachel was dragging Finn off to have sex in the sauna?"

"Well that's what she told me this morning!" Tina defended.

"Tina! That was a secret!" Rachel cried, horrified.

"Oh, please, Rachel. Like you didn't try and use what I told you this morning about the library against me," Tina retorted, effectively silencing Rachel.

Quinn ignored their little spat. "Maybe you should get your hearing checked because imagine our surpise when Puck and I went to ambush them in the private sauna and find not Finn and Rachel, but other members of our group."

Six heads stared at each other in shock as they realized who was missing.

"_Kurt?_ You walked in on Kurt?" Finn stated, his eyes closing. "Please tell me they were fully clothed and playing cards or something."

"I didn't see, since Puck walked in first. You'd have to ask him."

Finn kept his eyes closed and placed his hands over his ears as Puck began to talk for the first time, his eyes still dazed.

"All I wanted to do was cockblock Hudson..."

_"You sure this is it?" Puck asked. "What if there's other people in there?"_

_"Positive. Tina said Rachel wanted to get it on in the sauna and this is it. And it's private, so it'll only be the two of them in there," Quinn responded. "Now open the door so I can get revenge."_

_Obediently, Puck opened the door and stepped into the dark steamy room. "Did somebody order a cockblock? Holy shit!"_

_His eyes, having adjusted to the dimness, took in the sight of a naked Kurt on his knees in front of Blaine, who wore a look of pure ecstasy on his face. Horrified, he backtracked right into Quinn, knocking her over in his haste to get out of there. He grabbed her off the floor in one swift movement, not stopping until he was well away from the sauna._

"It's not fucking funny!" Puck cried. "I'm scarred for life by the image of Kurt's ass!"

"Dude, you might as well jump overboard now, because Kurt is going to _kill_ you when he finds you," Finn stated. "Trust me. It'll be worse than the time I put his stupid designer sweater in the washer with my football uniform back in high school."

_"Puckerman! I know you're in there!"_

Not wanting to miss the show, Finn gleefully ran over and opened the door. A furious Kurt stomped in, Blaine just behind him.

Ignoring everyone else, he stopped in front of Puck. "Did you enjoy the show?"

"That you Hummel? Didn't recognize you standing up and clothed."

Kurt gasped, temporarily lacking words.

"Kurt, it's not a big deal," Blaine reasoned, attempting to calm him.

"Not a big deal? He invaded our private moment!"

"Kurt, it's not his fault! It's Tina's!" Quinn defended. "We thought it was Rachel and Finn in there!"

"It's not _my_ fault! Rachel started it by trying to spy on us!" Tina cried.

"He saw me naked!" Rachel exclaimed.

"Only because you left the door open! The whole hallway heard what you guys were doing!" Mike yelled, making Finn shift uncomfortably, correcting sensing that he was about to be in trouble.

"_What? _The door was open?" Rachel screeched. "_Finn_! How could you leave the door open?"

"You pushed me into the room! _You_ left it open, not me!"

"That was you two I heard some kids talking about?" Puck asked, holding out a hand to fist bump Finn. "You try out some new moves or something, Muffin?"

"_Noah_!" Rachel screamed, grabbing Artie's book off the nightstand and throwing it at him.

"Can we just get back to the matter at hand?" Kurt demanded. "The spa is my sanctuary and it has forever been tainted by the presence of a Peeping Puckerman."

"What I don't get is, how the hell did this all start?" Artie asked.

"Who the hell is Muffin?" Mercedes demanded, her head spinning.

"Ask Hudson. He's particularly fond of eating muffins," Puck answered, the smirk back on his face.

"Dude! I told you this morning to stop it!" Finn cried, holding Rachel back from throwing something else. "You using my petname for her upsets her and that's what started this whole thing. She wanted to get back at you for calling her Muffin."

"Really, Finn?" Kurt asked, wrinkling his nose. "You couldn't think of anything more original than _Muffin_?"

"Shut up, Kurt, or should I say _Yogi_," Finn threatened.

Kurt gasped. "How did you know about that?"

"I lived down the hall from you for years. We shared a wall. You and BooBoo weren't exactly silent," Finn retorted. "And for your information, Muffin is perfect because she's a Berry."

Puck snorted. "That why you always wear those bowties, Blaine?"

"You're one to talk Puckerman," Finn commented, feeling the need to defend his brother and boyfriend. It was one thing for him to make fun of Kurt, but completely wrong for someone else to do it. "Don't _bunnies_ often wear bowties? Or is it just pants?"

Puck's eyes narrowed into slits, but he stayed silent.

"What are you talking about?" Tina asked, watching as Puck shifted uncomfortably on the seat.

"I think you should ask the Bunnypants in the chair," Rachel replied innocently.

Mike burst out laughing. "I thought the only thing Quinn called you was her God of Love?"

"I am her fucking God of Love," he snapped.

"But he's also my Bunnypants because he has such a cute behind, like a bunny," Quinn added, not helping the situation since it only made everyone else laugh harder.

Puck crossed his arms, daring them to call him Bunnypants one more time. "If that _ever_ leaves this room I will personally take out a billboard in Times Square and put on it a picture of each of you with your nicknames under it like a fucking high school yearbook."

The thought sobered the group and they looked around at each other.

"I uh, think we should call a truce," Mike ventured. "What happened on this ship, stays on the ship. Agreed?"

He held out his hand, waiting for the others to put their hands out. Rachel hesitated at first, only putting her hand in when Finn forcibly grabbed her hand and put it on top of the others.

"Wait, are we just not talking about nicknames and nudity?" Puck questioned. "Because I'll _still_ think Berry can't pull off sex in public once we're off the ship and will continue to say so until she proves me wrong."

"_Noah!"_

Finn groaned. Great. Puck just gave her another plan to make that will blow up in her face, only this time, he had to be involved.

Oddly enough, he was ok with it.

* * *

><p>"Don't the stars look pretty tonight, Finn?" Rachel asked as she snuggled against him in the hot tub later that night.<p>

"They look awesome, babe," he replied, taking a sip of his beer. "What are you doing?"

He watched as Rachel climbed into his lap to face him, a coy smile on her face. She placed a leg on either side of him, her legs bent so that her feet were planted on the bench.

"We're all alone," she stated, her arms coming up to encircle his neck as she gyrated against his groin a few times. "Completely alone."

"And?" he inquired, liking where this was going.

"Well, I know how much you like your water fun…" she trailed off, one finger trailing down his chest.

"I do love water sex," he agreed, enjoying the feeling of Rachel's hand now stroking him through his bathing suit under the water.

"I'd hate to think that you had the opportunity for hot tub sex and squandered it." Her free hand moved to the back of his neck to pull him in for a steamy kiss, the kind she normally only gave him when they were in the privacy of their own apartment. The fact that she was doing it on a cruise ship in the middle of the Caribbean _in public_ made him instantly go hard. She smirked, her hand pausing the stroking. "We need to make sure you make the most of the opportunity, Finny."

"Are you serious? You're ok with doing it in public?"

"Of course." Her eyes were dark and he knew she was thinking of Puck's challenge.

"You don't have to do this because of Puck, baby."

She gave him her answer in the form of another hard kiss. Quickly, before he even realized what was happening, Rachel somehow managed to pull his penis out of his bathing suit while simultaneously shoving her bikini bottom to one side so she could impale herself on him.

"To the public, it simply looks like I'm sitting on your lap, since we _are_ fully clothed," Rachel pointed out smugly, moving a little to show that that was decidedly _not_ the case.

Finn groaned at the sensation, leaning forward to capture Rachel's lips in a kiss as she moved again. "_Rach_…"

"Yes, Finn?" she replied innocently, slowly moving in a figure eight motion this time.

"Shit, Rach. Keep doing that," he murmured, burying his head in her neck as he nipped at her. "Right there, baby."

Rachel was prevented from answering by the sound of rolling wheels nearby. Opening her eyes, she ignored Finn's biting to peek to her left, frowning when she realized Artie was parking his wheelchair next to the hot tub.

"Hey guys," Artie said pleasantly, completely oblivious to what was going on in the hot tub.

Mortified, Rachel stilled on Finn's lap, unsure of what to do. She couldn't get off of Finn's lap without exposing him and honestly, she didn't want to. She glanced at Finn who'd picked his head up off her neck. As if he was giving Rachel a kiss, he leaned in close to whisper in her ear. "Go with it. Now's your chance to prove Puck wrong."

She smiled at his words as he leaned back casually against the edge of the hot tub and winked at her. His hands came under the water to move her hips up and down gently. She attempted her best casual look even though her body was tingling already. "Hello, Artie."

"I brought my binoculars out to see if we could see any planets," Artie explained, too busy adjusting his binoculars to notice that Rachel was very subtly moving on Finn's lap. "Jupiter should be high in the sky right now."

"_Oh!"_ Rachel cried as Finn ever so casually thrust into her a few times.

"I know, I was excited too when I realized it, Rachel. Too bad we won't get to see Neptune." The binoculars now focused, he aimed them at sky, trying to locate the planets.

_"Shit, Rach," _Finn exclaimed as Rachel resumed her figure eights on his lap, grinding down against him.

"It's ok Finn. Rachel will still get to see Saturn I think," Artie exclaimed, busy looking through the binoculars at the sky.

_"Oh...yes!" _Rachel cried, completely forgetting about Artie as she felt her orgasm building.

"You're really excited, aren't you? You want to look when I'm done?" Artie asked, still trying to find the planets.

"_Yes! Yes!" _

"If I had known you were as crazy about astronomy as myself, I would have brought two pairs of binoculars," Artie offered, still patrolling the sky.

Her orgasm complete, Rachel slumped against Finn's chest as he emptied into her. Once he was able to, Finn pulled out and tucked himself back into his bathing suit, Rachel still covering him on his lap. She brought his face to hers, kissing him as a still oblivious Artie sat next to them, chattering away about the planets.

"So do you want to?" Artie asked, finally lowering the binoculars and looking at Rachel.

Rachel tore her face away from Finn, surprised. "Huh? Do I want to what?"

"You said yes when I asked if you wanted to look through the binoculars to see the stars and planets," Artie replied, holding the binoculars out.

"Oh. Uh, sure." Ignoring the shaking of Finn's shoulders as he tried to control his laughter, she took the binoculars from Artie, not bothering to point out that she'd just been seeing stars _without_ the binoculars, thanks to Finn. She climbed off of Finn, settling into the water next to him as she raised the binoculars to her face, not quite sure what she was looking for.

She placated Artie for a few minutes, oohing and ahhhing over things he pointed out, while simultaneously keeping Finn's wandering hands at bay under the water.

"I didn't realize you were such an astronomer, Rachel," Artie commented, excitedly. "Next time there's a meteor shower we can watch together with Finn and Brittany."

"Oh, Rachel _loves_ seeing stars," Finn commented cheekily, earning a warning glance from Rachel.

Artie glanced at his watch. "Oh, it's almost 11. I need to go call Brittany. We can look at the stars again tomorrow, Rachel."

Forgetting all about his binoculars still in Rachel's hands, he wheeled away, leaving Finn and Rachel alone again.

"I can't believe that!" Rachel cried, throwing her arms around Finn. "I'm so embarrassed!"

"Why? He had no clue and you proved Puck wrong at the same time," Finn pointed out. "Nothing to be embarrassed about."

Rachel looked at him thoughtfully. "You're right. I need to inform Noah of this immediately. Come."

"Rach, can't it wait till morning?" he pleaded, hoping to get more alone time with her.

"Absolutely not. I heard Noah telling Blaine that he had big plans for him and Quinn tonight. I hope we interrupt them." She pulled Finn out of the hot tub by the hand, anxious to go find Noah.

"Rachel. We put an end to this, remember? You agreed," Finn threatened.

"I did no such thing. I was coerced by you. Had you bothered to look at my other hand, you would have seen my fingers crossed," Rachel explained. "So therefore, I'm perfectly eligible to extract revenge on both Mike and Noah for the remainder of the cruise. Maybe I can get a Sting Ray to sting Noah tomorrow."

Finn sighed as he followed Rachel along. Rachel had been keeping him on his toes from the day he met her, he didn't know why he actually expected this vacation to be any different.

Rachel slipped her hand into his. "You ok, baby?"

"Fine Rach," he replied. "Are you sure about this?"

She smiled up at him. "Let the games begin, Finn."

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: A lot of people asked for the cruise. Not sure if this is what they had in mind, but it made me laugh, especially since lots of things in this chapter were alluded to in other chapters ;) I may put up another cruise chapter, not sure yet._**


	20. Penguin Problems

_**Disclaimer: Glee is not mine**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.<strong>_

_**-Jerry Seinfeld**_

* * *

><p>"So that's about it. Does anyone have any questions?" Kurt asked, looking around the room at his team of personal shoppers for a moment before he consulted his clipboard. "No? One last thing, we have 81 appointments today, so we really need to keep moving. Make sure you have their outfits pulled before and placed correctly on the mannequins in their dressing room at least 15 minutes before the appointment OK? Let's get started then and remember, every client has infinite opportunities for fashion each day and it's our job to prepare them for it. Good luck today."<p>

He dismissed his sales team from their morning meeting with a head nod, gathering up the papers and charts in front of him. Intent on placing them in his attaché case, he failed to notice his father fighting his way into the room through the mass of employees trying to get out.

"Kurt!"

Kurt looked up in surprise. "Dad? What are you doing here? Is everything ok? Is it the wedding? Please don't tell me they called it off."

Burt held his hands up. "Relax, Kurt. Mom just has her fitting this morning. She's up there now, listening to some guy talk about how handsome Finn is."

Kurt rolled his eyes. "That would be Charles. Figures he'd show up to work on a day when Carole comes in. He's probably hoping Finn stops in."

"Yeah, so I figured I'd come in and see how you're doing," Burt added, adjusting his baseball cap.

"Well while you're here, you can try on your tuxedo," Kurt decided. "Something Finn can't be bothered to do."

"No? I'm surprised you haven't gotten him down here yet." Burt fell into step beside Kurt, following him down the hall towards the Personal Shopping Salon. "I can't believe between you and Rachel he wasn't down here as soon as it was finished."

"Don't remind me." Kurt rolled his eyes as he gestured to an empty dressing room. "Apparently, a video game marathon, a business conference, Opening Day to the Mets and the possibility of makeup sex after a fight with Rachel were all more important than trying on his tux."

Burt laughed. "I can't say I blame him."

Kurt glared at him for a moment before turning to a nearby employee. "Georgia, can you bring the rack of custom tuxes I pulled yesterday?"

Georgia nodded, hurrying off to do his bidding. Kurt watched her go for a moment before turning back to his father. "I don't understand Rachel. I got Blaine down here the same day his tuxedo was finished. The _same day_."

"They've got a lot on their plates, Kurt. It's a lot of work planning a wedding," Burt reasoned as he sat down on the plush chair in the dressing room.

Kurt snorted. "Not that he would know. I've planned everything with Rachel while he plays his stupid video games with Puckerman. He didn't even have to come in here to get measured because I did it at his apartment and filled out the paperwork for him the next day at work. The least he could do is come in now to try it on. Doesn't he _want_ to see it?"

Burt hung his baseball cap up on the clothes hook, despite the fact that he knew it annoyed Kurt to no end. "Have you _met_ Finn? You know he couldn't care less about clothes."

"A sentiment I've never understood. Other than Blaine, you're the only one who's been in to try on, you know," Kurt replied, shaking his head as Georgia returned with a rolling rack loaded down with black dress bags. "Thanks, Georgia, I'll take it from here. Could you just get Henri?"

"Sure, Kurt." She nodded again, hurrying off to find the head tailor.

Kurt pawed through the rack, looking for his father's custom tuxedo. "Puckerman, Evans, H. Berry, L. Berry, ah here we go. B. Hummel." He pulled the bag off the rack, handing it to his father. "Put it on and let me see."

Burt emerged from the dressing room a few minutes later, stepping onto the platform in front of the mirror. "What do you think, Kurt? Your old man cleans up pretty nice, right?"

Kurt circled the platform, examining the fit with a critical eye. "It's a little big and I'm not loving the break of the pants. And it goes without saying that it would look better without the baseball cap. Ah, Henri! Over here!"

The longtime Bergdorf's tailor bustled over to Kurt, immediately examining Burt. Kurt and Henri instantly launched into a conversation in French, leaving a confused Burt to raise or lower his arms when requested by Kurt. Evidently being fluent in another language was a requirement for alterations, since the pair continued to exclude Burt from their conversation as they discussed the fit. Like Kurt, Henri didn't seem to be a fan of the baseball cap, judging by the eye rolls and pointing going on.

They may have agreed on the baseball cap, but it seemed to Burt that there was a disagreement brewing over his pants, based on the increasingly rapid French and finger pointing going on between the two men.

"_Non, c'est impossible," _Henri insisted.

"_Oui, mais la jambe de son pantalon_…" Kurt cried, pointing at his father's pant leg.

"Kurt, you want to fill me in?" Burt cut in, annoyed that he was the topic of a heated argument and he had no idea why. "In English?"

"Nothing Dad. We're just discussing the break of your pants. It doesn't concern you," Kurt replied, dismissing his father as he turned his attention back to the pants. "_Je pense…"_

Whatever Kurt thought, he never got to say since Carole came strolling in, a glass of champagne in one hand. Kurt's happiness at seeing his mother was tempered by the sight of her arm resting in the crook of his arch enemy Charles' arm as she listened to him discuss which fabrics looked fabulous on Finn.

"I mean it was really no question that the merino was the way to go. He just looks so…" Charles trailed off as he took in the sight in front of him. "Why Hummel. How cute, trying to be European with your mediocre French."

Kurt immediately went into bitch mode, his debate with Henri long forgotten. "Bennett. I hope you brought a notebook so you can see how to run a successful department and take notes."

Charles snorted. "I assure you, were I to _need_ notes on running a successful department, I'd actually go to a successful department like Handbags down on the 2nd floor. While I normally avoid your little department like the plague, I simply couldn't resist the opportunity to spend time with the lovely, lovely Carole."

Kurt rolled his eyes as Charles kissed the back of Carole's hand. "Well you brought her here safely, so be gone."

"_Kurt!_ Really, that's quite rude of you," Carole admonished. "Charles was kind enough to escort me down here."

"No doubt to see if Finn was here," Kurt retorted. "Which he's clearly not. Now as you can see we have a legitimate problem so we'll let you get back to the failure that's the 7th floor."

"Ah, I see someone measured wrong," Charles commented as he eyed Burt's tuxedo. "I'm afraid that's why I always insist that tuxedos be measured up in bridal and not personal shopping. It really takes an expert to do it."

"You wouldn't know what to do with a tape measure if it slapped you in the face," Kurt retorted snidely, crossing his arms.

"That's rich coming from you; since I'm _sure_ you're the one who measured this tuxedo wrong," Charles commented, pulling his glasses off his face to clean them.

"There's nothing wrong with Dad's tux. It just needs to be altered slightly," Kurt snapped, turning back to the suit and pointedly ignoring Charles.

"I'd better take Finn's suit and do the alterations just to be sure," Charles announced eagerly, pawing the through the rack for Finn's tuxedo. "I'll take Puckerman's too while I'm at it."

"That won't be necessary," Kurt replied, his voice full of ice. "Henri and I can handle it."

"Nonsense," Charles insisted. "You're much too busy running Personal Shopping into the ground. I'll be more than happy to take those two tuxedos off your hands."

"Again, not necessary," Kurt repeated through gritted teeth. "Dad's is the last tux that needed to be altered, so he's taking them all home today."

"What?" Burt asked. "I thought you said-"

"I _said_ we were waiting on you," Kurt stressed. "So you could take them all home, since Finn and the groomsmen will be getting ready there."

"Right. Right you did say that," Burt stammered, catching on. "Sorry, Charles."

"Not a problem," Charles replied, pulling some cards out of his pocket and slipping them into both Finn's and Puck's tuxedo bags. "I'll just leave my information for them so they can call me when their tuxes still don't fit despite Hummel's alterations."

"Oh they'll fit like a glove. You have my word on that," Kurt retorted. "Unlike you, I _refuse_ to allow fashion disasters to occur on my watch."

"Then how do you account for those pants?" Charles raised an eyebrow as he took in Kurt's immaculate seersucker trousers.

Kurt narrowed his eyes, ignoring the insult. "Don't you have a Bridal Salon to pretend to run?"

"As a matter of fact, I do need to get back upstairs. We're simply _swamped_ today." Charles looked around the empty salon, a smirk on his face. "But I guess you wouldn't know anything about that."

"We have eighty-one appointments today beginning at 9:30," Kurt snapped. "What do you have, four?"

"Your jeaolousy never fails to amuse me, but nevertheless, I must be going." Charles turned to Carole, lifting her hand for a kiss. "It was simply _lovely _to see you again, Carole and may I say you looked _magnificent_ in your dress. A dress that needed very minor alterations, I might add. It'll be ready in a few minutes, actually."

"If you're implying that the tuxes will need major alterations, I can assure you they won't." Kurt crossed his arms, locked in a stare down with Charles.

Charles ignored him, his attention seemingly focused on Carole. "Burt is one lucky man, Carole. You looked so lovely in that dress, it's almost unfair to the bride. I'm sure it'll be a comfort to know that you and the bridesmaids look fantastic in your perfectly fitted dresses even if the groom and his groomsmen have tuxedos that don't fit right."

His parting shot issued, Charles gave Carole's hand one last kiss before striding out of Personal Shopping.

"Do you believe him?" Kurt fumed. "Accusing me of mismeasuring!"

"Why do you insist on fighting with him, Kurt? Just ignore him," Carole directed. "He's trying to get a rise out of you."

"I'm sure Finn and the boys will be in here soon and you'll see that all the tuxedos are perfect," Burt predicted as Henri marked his tuxedo up for alterations.

"You're bringing them home today."

Burt stared at Kurt's words. "You were serious about that?"

"Dead serious. He think's he's so smart." Kurt eyes took on a hard look. "I don't need the boys to come in here. I _know_ the tuxedos are perfect."

"Kurt..." Carole began, exchanging looks of unease with her husband.

"Don't worry, Carole," Kurt assured. "I've already made the schedule for the day and you know I run a tight ship when it comes to weddings. I'll simply schedule in the minor alterations I'm sure the tuxedos will need. It'll be a breeze. Trust me."

"If you say so," Carole said doubtfully. "But I really don't think this is wise."

"Trust me," he repeated firmly. "I personally measured all their suits, it'll be fine. I'm sure I'll just have to take in the sleeves or pants and Finn was measured for extra long sleeves so his should be ok."

"Kurt, I really think Rachel will-" Burt began.

"_Avez-vous terminé_?" Kurt demanded, cutting his father off as he looked at Henri who was on his knees marking Burt's pants.

"_Bientôt_," Henri replied through a mouthful of pins. "Soon."

"Well, hurry up," Kurt snapped. "Dad's gotta bring all those tuxedos home and hang them up."

"Rachel's not going to-" Burt tried again but was once again cut off by Kurt, who'd pulled two tuxedos off the rack.

"Georgia! Take Hiram's and Leroy's tuxes and put them in the back since they won't be getting ready with us. They'll be in tomorrow, I believe. The rest of the tuxedos will be going home with Dad," Kurt directed. "Oh and run up to bridal and get my mother's dress, which should be ready by now."

Georgia nodded, taking the Berry's tuxedos and hurrying off.

Satisfied, Kurt turned to his parents. "You watch. Saturday is going to go off without a hitch."

* * *

><p>"Rach, baby, I'm home!" Finn called, tossing his backpack onto the hall floor. "Hey bud!"<p>

"_In here, Finn!"_

He scooped up Vlad, who'd come racing down the hallway in his usual post-work greeting and started walking down the hall towards the bedroom, shocked at what he found when he stepped through the bedroom door. Their normally immaculate bedroom looked like a tornado had blown through it. Clothing and suitcases were scattered everywhere, along with toiletries and dog toys. Judging by the clothes flying out of the closet, Finn assumed that was where he'd find Rachel.

He placed Vlad on the floor, making his way over to the closet and narrowly avoiding a dress that had just come flying out. "Baby, what are you doing?"

Rachel poked her head out of the closet. "I'm packing."

"Now?" he asked, watching as she continued pulling clothing off the racks and throwing it on the bed. "Why?"

"Need I remind you that we're getting married in three days?" Rachel called out frantically. "Our rehearsal dinner is in two days, you still have one more day of work and I have a million things I need to do before Saturday!" She emerged from the closet, arms loaded down with clothes. She tossed the clothes onto the bed, not noticing that they landed on Vlad, who'd been lounging comfortably on top of one of Finn's suits in the center of the bed, chewing a rawhide.

Finn came to Vlad's rescue, digging through the clothes and pulling him out. "Baby, you need to relax. You just buried Vlad alive."

"Relax? How could I possibly relax?" she cried, wringing her hands. "I still have to pack overnight bags for both of us, plus pack for our honeymoon _and_ pack Vlad up for his vacation at your mom's! That's in addition to doing a final head count, getting my nails done, dropping off stuff for the reception and the rehearsal dinner, dropping Vlad off to get bathed and-"

Finn cut her off with a swift kiss. "Rachel. You need to calm down."

She wrapped her arms around him, resting her head against his chest. "I know, but there's so much to do."

"Well that's why I'm here, babe. I can help," he offered, pressing a kiss against her head.

"Oh really?" She tilted her head up to look at him. "Kurt says you still haven't been in to get your tux altered."

He rolled his eyes. "He's been nagging me about that but I haven't had time."

"It's our wedding! How can you not have time?" Rachel questioned, frowning as she debated packing her rainboots. "Do you think I should pack our rainboots? I'm not sure where yours are."

"Well I've been trying to set up meetings with my clients so that I won't miss too much while I'm sexing it up on our honeymoon," Finn explained, grinning like a fool at the thought. "And as for the rainboots, absolutely not. One, because I don't _have _rainboots and two, we're going on our _honeymoon. _I don't plan on wearing _clothing_ for the next two and a half weeks babe, let alone rainboots."

Rachel smirked as she put the rainboots down. "So you're saying that I don't need to pack that lingerie I got at my shower?"

"Lingerie's not clothing," Finn amended quickly. "So I'll let it come with us to Tahiti."

"I see," Rachel responded, getting back to the matter at hand. "Now, I already decided that that little suitcase over there is for you to take to your mom's when you and Vlad sleep over the night before the wedding. I bought all new toiletries for you and left them with Kurt, so you don't have to worry about that."

Finn rolled his eyes. "He's driving me crazy. He calls me every hour to give an update about the wedding and to nag me about my tuxedo."

"Well you should really get down to Bergdorf's and try it on. Charles would be happy," Rachel commented slyly as she sorted the clothing on the bed. "I've been down there three times to get my dress fitted and all my bridesmaids have already gotten their dresses fitted and picked them up. My dress is already at my fathers."

"Well the tenth phone call I got at work from Kurt today was him calling to say that Burt was there today getting his tux fitted," Finn replied as he wrapped his arms around Rachel, grazing his fingers down her back. "I thought it was his subtle hint but apparently Kurt sent all the tuxedos home with Burt, except for your dads. He says he'll do any alterations on Saturday."

"_What_?" Rachel demanded, separating from Finn as she took in his words. "He's waiting until the day of our wedding to do alterations? What if something goes wrong?"

"It's a tuxedo, not too much can go wrong," Finn explained, shrugging. "It's not like it's your dress."

Rachel ignored him, already dialing Kurt's number. She placed the phone next to her ear as she looked at Finn. "Baby, can you pack Vlad's suitcase? I need to have a word with Kurt. Oh, and make sure you pack all his bath stuff and his Finny-bear." Her attention was suddenly drawn to the phone. "Hello? Kurt? What's this about not doing alterations until Saturday?"

Finn rolled his eyes, not wanting to be Kurt right now. He grabbed the little bag Rachel had designated as Vlad's suitcase, tossing the toys scattered among their clothing on the bed in. Vlad promptly decided that he _needed_ those toys, taking each toy back out of the bag as soon as it was tossed in. "Dude! Knock it off!"

Vlad growled, rescuing his squeaky kangaroo from the bag. Finn made a swipe for the kangaroo, missing as Vlad ducked to the left and settled down with his precious kangaroo just out of Finn's reach.

"Fine. Have the kangaroo. I'll just pack your newspaper," Finn taunted, tossing the newspaper into the bag. Vlad immediately abandoned the kangaroo to save his newspaper, dropping the newspaper when he realized Finn had grabbed the kangaroo again.

"Finn! Don't play with him! I really need his bag packed," Rachel admonished, one hand over the phone.

"Tell him! He won't let me pack his toys!"

Rachel rolled her eyes as she spoke back into the phone. "I have to go Kurt. Finn's apparently unable to pack a simple suitcase."

"What did Kurt say?" Finn asked as he paused his toy battle once Rachel had hung up.

"He's doing alterations on Saturday, despite my objections. Blaine's is done, as is Burt's and Kurt's, of course. But that leaves you, Noah, Sam, Artie and Mike. I just don't see how he can do that many in one day."

Finn shrugged. "Look, everytime I've rented a tux, I've barely had to get any alterations. I'm sure this'll be the same, especially since it's custom made for me."

"It better be," Rachel muttered. "Kurt and I made the schedule for Saturday already and if he screws it up, I'll _kill _him."

"Rachel, relax. He thinks its his wedding, so he's not gonna screw anything up," Finn reasoned.

"True," Rachel agreed. "I'm sure Kurt will have it all under control but I just want everything to be perfect."

"And it will be," Finn assured her. "You honestly think Kurt would allow anything to go wrong?"

* * *

><p>"Finn! Wake up!" Kurt shook Finn slightly, frowning when it had no effect. "Time to get up!"<p>

"No baby." Not bothering to pick his head up or even open his eyes, Finn snuggled into the pillow.

"Finn it's 6 AM. You need to get up." Frustrated, Kurt shook his brother harder.

He pulled the covers around him tighter. "Don't wanna."

"Get up! I've already been up for an hour! You need to get up!"

"It's too early. Come cuddle, baby."

"Finn! Get up! And _stop_ calling me baby!" He slapped the side of Finn's face for emphasis.

Finn cracked open one eye, startled when he saw Kurt. "Dude! What the hell? Why are you in our bedroom?"

"You need to get up!"

"_No_. It's too early. Go away so Rachel and I can cuddle or better yet have morning sex." He rolled over, ready to commence said cuddling, but to his surprise only Vlad was snoozing away on the other side of the bed. "Where's Rachel? Did you make her get up?"

Kurt crossed his arms. "Has it occurred to you yet that you are in your old bedroom at Mom and Dad's? And has it further occurred to you _why_ Rachel's not in bed with you?"

Finn rolled over to face Kurt, who stared back, waiting for comprehension to dawn. He sat up suddenly wide awake. "Dude, I'm getting married today!"

"Which is why you need to get out of bed," Kurt snapped, watching as Finn lay back down snuggling into his pillow, his eyes closing. "What are you doing? Get up!"

"It's too early. The wedding's not for hours. I need my sleep."

"I_ told_ you it was a bad idea to watch that game you and Dad recorded last night after the disaster of a rehearsal dinner," Kurt fretted. "You're tired now and you get difficult when you're tired."

"I'm not difficult," Finn mumbled, his head now under his pillow. "I just wanna sleep."

"Get up now!" Kurt screeched, attempting to grab the pillow off his head. "I won't have us going off schedule already!"

Finn lifted the corner of his pillow. "I don't give a fuck about your schedule. I want to sleep and so does Vlad. Now leave us alone."

"Don't be ridiculous Finn. You can sleep tonight." Kurt prodded the pillow impatiently. "We have way too much to do."

"If you think I'm going to _sleep_ on my wedding night, you've got another think coming. Rachel cut me off from sex 3 weeks ago and I'm _ready_."

"Yes I heard all about the no sex rule," Kurt replied, snickering and still prodding the pillow. "Your hand must be tired."

"Shut it, Kurt."

"Those pictures probably didn't help," he added, still snickering.

"Thank God she modified it to allow oral," Finn muttered under the pillow. "Now leave me alone so I can rest up for my sex all nighter."

"Get out of bed!" Kurt cried, stamping his foot. "You still have to shower, shave and moisturize. I scheduled you for-"

"Kurt? What's going on in here?"

Kurt turned to see Carole in the doorway, yawning a little as she tied her robe around her waist.

"He needs to get up! It's now 6:15 and he's done nothing!" Kurt fretted as Carole made her way to the bed. "I've already called the florist, catering hall and the DJ, checked and rechecked our itinerary, gotten an update from Mercedes about Rachel, and called each of the groomsmen, all while doing my morning moisturizing routine."

"_Mom_! Make him go away," Finn muttered, head still buried under the pillow.

"Baby go back to sleep," Carole responded soothingly, tucking the blanket around him before turning to Kurt. "And you! I forbid you to wake him until he's ready to get up _or_ its 10:00, whichever comes first."

"But the schedule!"

"Will still be there when he gets up," Carole said firmly, leading Kurt away from the bed by the elbow, and calling for Vlad over her shoulder. The Chihuahua jumped at her voice, flying off the bed to follow. "Let's make breakfast and you can tell me where you picked out for pictures before I go get my hair and makeup done."

Kurt immediately launched into an animated discussion about the ideal location for pictures as well as the ideal indoor location he'd scouted, so into his conversation that he failed to hear the snores already coming from the bed.

Carole, however, heard the snores and smiled, wondering how long the peace treaty she'd brokered would last.

* * *

><p>"Now?"<p>

"It's only 9:52, Kurt."

"Fine," he huffed. "But I think he should know that Rachel and her bridesmaids are already up and getting their hair done and he's _still_ in bed." He paused. "How about now?"

"It's still 9:52," Burt pointed out, calmly drinking his coffee as he read the sports section.

"Don't you think it's wrong that all his groomsmen are here eating breakfast and he's _still _sleeping?"

"You know he's not a morning person, Kurt," Carole reminded him putting some more bacon on the table between Sam and Blaine. She eyed the clock. "If he's not up in seven minutes you have my permission to dump his mattress like I used to."

"I'll help," Puck volunteered immediately.

"Sam better come too," Kurt decided, stealthily inching towards the door. "He weighs a ton. I don't know how you used to do that alone, Carole."

"Don't underestimate the power of a mother, Kurt," Carole commented. "And don't think I haven't noticed you getting closer to the doorway. Sit."

"No shit? You used to dump his big ass off the mattress?" Puck asked through a mouthful of French Toast.

"All through high school remember, Kurt?" Carole recalled fondly.

Kurt shuddered. "How could I forget? His room's above the kitchen and I was always afraid he'd come through the ceiling while I ate my grapefruit." He glanced at his watch. "Now?"

"_No_. He still has a few minutes."

"Who still has a few minutes?"

All eyes turned to see Finn, his hair wild and still in his pajamas standing in the doorway. He yawned a little, stretching as he rubbed his stomach.

"Baby! You're up!" Carole exclaimed excitedly. She went over to him, enveloping him in a hug before she pulled his face down to her level for a kiss. "I made all your favorite foods for breakfast."

"Awesome!" To Kurt's chagrin, Finn sat down at the table loading a plate up.

Excitement getting the better of her, Carole stood behind his chair, leaning down to squeeze Finn's face against hers. "I can't believe my baby boy is getting married today!"

Finn grinned at the thought while simultantaneously watching Puck grab the last croissant off the plate.

"You haven't showered or shaved," Kurt stated, watching as Finn snatched the croissant out of Puck's hand.

"So?" Finn asked around a mouthful of croissant.

"So you fucking smell like a locker room," Puck commented, snatching what was left of the croissant back. "You stink, dude."

"While I wouldn't put it quite so crudely, Puckerman does state the truth," Kurt commented, wrinkling his nose. "Now if I could direct your attention-"

"Seriously?" Finn asked, ignoring Kurt as he began sniffing his arm pit.

"Again, I do need to direct your attention to the easel," Kurt announced, gesturing to a large whiteboard he'd set up on an easel nearby.

"Oh no." Finn stared, getting a bad feeling in his stomach.

"The fuck is that?" Puck demanded.

"I'm glad you asked, Puckerman," Kurt replied. "This is-"

"No! You promised Kurt," Finn cut in. "You _promised_ no boards."

"I promised no _laminated _boards," Kurt retorted slyly. "This is a _whiteboard_, it's not laminated."

"It's still a board so it counts!"

Kurt dismissed him with a wave of his hand. "I'm a double agent. I also promised Rachel I'd get you there on time and properly dressed, hence the board. My promise to her overrides my promise to you. Now can we begin?"

Finn watched sullenly as Kurt procured a pointer from somewhere and gestured to the board, where he'd written the names of Finn and all his groomsmen down on one side, along with his own name, Carole's, Burt's and even Vlad's. Across the board he'd written shower, _shave, tuxedo, hair,_ and _final inspection_.

Kurt paced in front of the easel, a pointer in his hand. "Gentlemen, Carole, this board is our schedule for the day. As you can see, I've listed all our names and assigned shower times in 20 minute allotments. Currently only Carole, Dad, Blaine, Artie and Vlad are able to be checked off for showering, which is unacceptable. We need to step it up because the final inspection _must _be done before the photographer gets here at 2."

"Vlad had a shower?" Mike asked, glancing at the Chihuahua sitting on Finn's lap.

"Rachel booked him at some pet salon for the full bath experience. He was bathed, fluffed, moisturized, the works. I dropped him off before work on Thursday and picked him up on my way home," Finn explained, rolling his eyes.

"Exactly my point. Vlad had a day of pampering at the ultra exclusive Lady Barkington's of Beverly Howls and you could barely be bothered to get a hair cut," Kurt snapped. "Which reminds me. _Why_ does you hair always stick up like that?"

"Ultra exclusive and ultra expensive," Finn muttered. "And I _did_ get a hair cut. I went to the barber on my lunch hour on Thursday."

"I _told _you to go to the salon at Bergdorf's! They'd be able to make your hair stop sticking up."

"I'm not paying all that money for a haircut, Kurt," he replied testily, pouring syrup over his French Toast. "And my hair always sticks up. Rachel's given up trying to flatten it. Blame Mom for my hair."

"I think you got that from your father, Finn," Carole contemplated. "So don't blame me."

"Maybe you should go the Blaine route and gel it," Kurt mused, glancing at his boyfriend. He peered closer. "Actually, I think you could use some more gel Blaine, you're starting to frizz. I won't have my wedding pictures ruined because you decided to look like Beeker from the Muppets."

Blaine gasped, placing a hand on his head. "Seriously?"

"Jeez Hummel. You need a tranquilizer or something," Puck commented. "Want me to check Vlad's medical bag to see if Berry packed one?"

"Funny," Kurt snapped. "You're next for the shower, Puckerman. You have from 10:05 to 10:25. Go."

"What? I already showered at home! Finn's the one who smells like a foot, not me!" Puck exclaimed.

"Did you_ shower_ in the shower or do something else?" Kurt demanded. Puck's silence as he glanced at Carole gave Kurt his answer and he pointed to the stairs. "I thought so. Go."

His tone brokered no argument and Puck sheepishly left the table to go shower; accepting the bag of toiletries Kurt held out as he passed. "I had each of your girlfriends pack toiletry kits for all of you so see me before you shower."

Finn glanced helplessly at his mother, who wore a look of amusement as she gathered her purse and car keys. "Mom?"

"Don't distract her Finn," Kurt snapped. "She's already showered but she needs to be at the salon for hair and makeup in 10 minutes."

Finn sighed, now pinning his hopes on Burt.

Burt cleared his throat. "Uh Kurt, don't you think you should go with Carole?"

"I don't think that's necessary, Dad," Kurt replied briskly. "I need to make sure everything goes smoothly here."

"What if they do her hair wrong or use the wrong makeup?" Burt questioned casually.

"Yeah you'd have to go back to the salon with Mom and it would throw everything off schedule," Finn added innocently, thankfully catching on to what Burt was doing.

Kurt paled at the thought. "You're right. Salons are notorious for running late and not capturing the client's vision. I'd better go with Carole, which means I'm leaving my assistant in charge." He pointed to Blaine's name on the whiteboard. "Blaine will now be in charge of keeping to the schedule."

All eyes turned to Blaine who immediately began shoveling his food into his mouth as fast as he could.

"You'll need to see Blaine for your toiletries while I'm assisting Carole at the salon." He handed Blaine his pointer and marker before turning to Carole. "Come Carole. I want to have a meeting with your stylists before they begin." He marched over to the door leading to the garage, pausing to look back over at the group. "Carole!"

"Well this should be fun," Carole commented as she walked over to Kurt and followed him out the door.

Finn waited until he heard the car doors slam before he exhaled. "Nice move, Burt."

"He was going to drive me crazy." Burt shrugged. "You know you owe your mother big time. She totally just took one for the team."

Finn nodded, reaching for the marker next to Blaine's plate. "Gimme that."

"Kurt's going to kill me if you go off schedule," Blaine warned. "He'll kill me and then kill you."

Finn shrugged as he carefully erased Kurt's name from the board.

"What are you doing?" Blaine asked as he watched Finn uncap the marker and write something where Kurt's name had just been.

"Kurt's going to be a pain in the ass like he was when our parents got married so I'm going to have a little fun this time," Finn announced as he stepped away from the board. "There."

The entire table burst out laughing when they realized that Finn had written _Wedding Warden_ in place of Kurt's name.

"He's going to kill you," Mike announced between bursts of laughter.

Finn grinned. "That's the best part. He kills me there's no reason for a wedding and then no one will see his work. Unless he marries Rachel, which I _know_ he doesn't want to do." He capped the marker, placing it back on the table. "Who wants to play video games?"

"Finn. I realize Kurt's being a pain in the ass but do you really want to be on the news as the groom who was castrated on his wedding day by his Best Man?" Burt questioned. "Because he _will_ do it if anything goes wrong."

"I'm not worried." Finn shrugged, glancing at the board. "I'm not scheduled to shower until later anyway, so I'm gonna play." He looked at his groomsmen. "What do you say? Me and Artie vs. Mike and Blaine? You can have winner, Sam."

Burt held up his hands. "Don't say I didn't warn you."

"Noted," Finn called over his shoulder. "Come on, I wanna get in a few rounds before the Psycho comes back."

The next hour and a half passed peacefully. Blaine proved a much more lenient keeper of the board than Kurt, letting the boys play their video games and eat the remains of the breakfast. Freshly showered, shaved and dressed in his normal clothes, Puck returned and took over for Mike, who recieved his toiletry bag from Blaine and left to shower.

"Dude! Pass it!" Finn cried, frantically pressing buttons on his controller. "Pass...uh oh."

"What?" Sam asked, pausing the game.

"You hear that?" Finn asked pausing the game as he cocked his head. The others cocked their heads also, trying to hear what Finn did. The rumbling of the garage door was heard, followed by the slamming of car doors. "Shit. He's back."

"I'm back!" Kurt called through the house as he entered the kitchen from the garage. "We would have been back sooner but that stylist just had _no_ idea how to do a proper updo. I hope-_what is this_?"

His eyes raked over the empty breakfast plates and remains of food scattered over the coffee table. All five boys were glued to the video game on the screen while Burt sat nearby, reading the newspaper. Neither Burt nor the boys were dressed in their tuxedos.

"What is this?" Kurt repeated. "Why is nobody dressed, Blaine?"

Blaine looked up, shifting uncomfortably. "Oh...you still need to do alterations, so we waited because otherwise the tuxedos would get wrinkled."

Kurt beamed. "Oh! Good thinking, Blaine. I made a wise choice making you my assistant." He picked his marker up, tapping it against his hand. "Let's get started, men. Obviously, I can check off Blaine and Dad on the board since they were taken care of by Henri. That leav-_hey! _Who touched my board?"

Finn smirked, pleased that Kurt had noticed his name change. Kurt immediately went to work righting his board, issuing directions at the same time. "Puckerman, Sam, get your tuxedo jackets and pants. I want to see the fit. You too Artie."

The boys soon returned with their tuxedos, keeping Kurt busy with some minor alterations.

"I knew it," Kurt crowed. "I knew they'd be perfect. Other than some hemline adjustments, these tuxedos fit like a glove. Finn, where's yours?"

"I don't know, upstairs," Finn replied, glancing at his phone. A smile suddenly appeared on his face. "Oh! Rachel just got the present I had Mercedes give her!"

"Finn! Focus!" Kurt demanded. "I need your tuxedo!"

"Later, Kurt. I'm busy." His eyes were glued to his phone as he responded to whatever Rachel had texted. "She's still at the salon."

"_What?_ She should have been finished by 11!" Kurt screeched, horrifed that Rachel was now more than an hour behind schedule. His tailoring forgotten, he whipped out his cell phone calling Mercedes to find out what had gone wrong.

Finn happily continued texting his bride, ignoring Kurt's exclamations of horror at whatever Mercedes was telling him. In his opinion, anything that distracted Kurt enough to leave him alone couldn't be too horrible.

"Well this is a nightmare. An absolute nightmare," Kurt announced as he hung up the phone.

"Let me guess. The florist delivered the wrong flowers," Finn asked sarcastically, remembering their parent's wedding.

"Worse. Rachel's hair extensions came in and they're the wrong shade of brown," Kurt fretted as he began pacing. "The _wrong _shade. Mercedes has been dealing with this all morning."

"It's just hair, Kurt," Finn pointed out. "Rachel will still look amazing no matter what."

"She _needs_ those extensions for the updo we want!" Kurt snapped. "Without them, the style won't work!"

Burt rolled his eyes. "Kurt, if that's the only thing that goes wrong, consider yourself lucky."

"Oh it will be. I simply will not allow anything else to go wrong," Kurt replied, a determined tone to his voice. "I guarantee it."

Finn exchanged looks of unease with Burt, both having flashbacks to Burt's wedding and the same thought running through both their minds.

Shit.

* * *

><p>"Gentlemen, the time is now 12:30. Time for a status check," Kurt announced as he paced in front of the TV, effectively blocking the view. He tapped his pointer against his palms, ignoring the shouts coming from the couch. The pointer was aimed at the large whiteboard sitting on its easel nearby, resulting in a satisfying thwack that made the occupants of the living room jump. "Let's see where we are. I <em>won't <em>have us going off schedule today."

"Seriously, Kurt. You need to chill," Finn directed from the recliner. "And _move._"

Kurt ignored his plea, remaining planted in front of the TV. "While I'm sure it's incredibly important to beat Puckerman in your little basketball game, I'm afraid I need to draw your attention to the agenda."

"Dude, it's _NBA 2K12_," Finn corrected. "And I _was_ up by 18 until you blocked the TV."

"Only because I let you have Ewing," Puck threw in. "Any other day he'd be on my team."

"Whatever. You'd still suck any other day," Finn shot back.

"Oh yeah?"

_Thwack!_

The argument was halted by Kurt once again hitting his white board with the ruler. "Can we focus? Now as you can see, Sam was slated to shower and change from 12-12:25, which he has done sucessfully." He uncapped a dry erase marker, placing a big check next to Sam's name under _shower_. "The time is now 12:32, which means that Finn has already lost two minutes from his allotted shower time. He _must_ be out of the shower by 12:45 because I need to begin _my_ shower routine by 12:50. I-_hey!_" Ignoring the snickering that was coming from Finn and his groomsmen, he grabbed an eraser, furious that his name had once again been changed on the board, this time to _Sir Humps a Lot. _"Very funny, Puckerman."

Puck smirked. "Thanks. I thought so."

"As amusing as that was _again_, you really need to get in the shower, Finn," Kurt retorted dryly.

"Dude, relax. Lemme just finish this game."

Kurt turned the TV off. "You are aware you're getting married today?"

Finn glared at Kurt. "Of course I know that! I've only been looking forward to it for like months."

"Then _why_ aren't you in the shower?"

"It's only….12:37," Finn announced, glancing at his watch. "The ceremony's not till 4, which means I don't need to get ready until like 3:30. I've got plenty of time to shower and kick Puckerman's ass in _NBA2K12_. But you gotta move for me to do that, Kurt."

"You're lucky it's your wedding day," Puck retorted. "Berry will go apeshit if I so much as flick you today."

Finn smirked as he picked up his controller again. "Damn straight. I could run you over with a car and there's nothing you could do about it without facing Rachel's wrath."

"_Finn_! Are you trying to give me a heart attack?" Kurt snapped. "Because you're doing a damn good job of it."

"Jeez Kurt, relax. Don't get your panties in a twist. I'm going," Finn replied as he handed his controller over to Sam and stood up, stretching. "I don't want to piss you off, seeing how this is such a big day for _you_."

"You have _no_ idea," Kurt answered seriously. "Now _go._ Be back down here no later than 12:52. The photographer will be here at 2:00 and I still need to shower and do a final inspection of everyone."

"Yeah, yeah," Finn called over his shoulder as he headed out of the living room.

Kurt exhaled, relieved that he actually went. "Now that he's _finally_ in the shower, I can relax a little."

His relaxation was short lived, since the florist soon arrived with the boutonnières for the men and a coursage for Carole. He immediately began a detailed inspection of the flowers, not noticing that Finn could be heard exiting the bathroom and getting ready in his room upstairs.

"Uh, I think we have a problem," Finn stated as he came down the stairs and into the living room.

Kurt rolled his eyes as he took one look at Finn, whose tuxedo pants stopped mid-calf, leaving a large section of bare leg between his pants and socks. "Very funny, Finn. Those are _my_ pants. Take them off and put the right ones on. The photographer will be here soon."

"No, they're my pants. They were in my suit bag," Finn replied, pulling on his suspenders and posing as a laughing Puck snapped a picture. Beside him, Artie, Mike, Sam and Blaine were doing the same with their own cameras.

"Dude, you look like Urkel," Puck commented between bursts of laughter. "Berry will _kill _you if you show up like that. Let's send it to her."

"Like I would let that happen. Take off _my_ pants, Finn, before you rip them," Kurt directed impatiently. "And don't send that picture to Rachel. We don't have time for stupidity today."

Puck shrugged, sending the picture off to Quinn instead, noticing that Artie, Sam and Mike were doing the same.

"These _are_ my pants," Finn insisted. "They were in the bag and everybody else has their pants _on_ except for you."

"That's absurd, Finn. Those are _my _pants," Kurt snapped, stalking over to the suit bags on the couch. "Those pants are about seven inches too short for you and I'm sure that your pants are just in my bag. See?" He pulled out the pants in the bag, holding them up to his waist. The pants fell at the exact place they were supposed to, stopping just above his shoe and making Kurt gasp in horror. "_Oh no_."

"I told you," Finn said smugly. He sat down on the couch, the too short pants looking like Bermuda shorts on him. "Do we have any food?"

"How can you even _think_ about food at a time like this?" Kurt exclaimed, pulling a tape measure from the fanny pack around his waist. He put the tape measure between his teeth as he got down on his hands and knees.

Finn shrugged. "I'm hungry."

"Hudson couldn't fit one ass cheek in your pants, Hummel," Puck pointed out. "And with the exception of the length those pants appear to fit."

"Impossible," Kurt insisted, crawling over to Mike.

What are you doing?" Finn asked, watching as Kurt came to stop by Mike's pant leg.

"_Somebody_ has your pants and only Puckerman or Mike are tall enough to wear them," Kurt replied, checking his tape measure against Mike's pant hem. "Hmmm. Mike's are correct. That leaves you Puck and I swear to God if this is one of your idiotic jokes, I will choke you with my tape measure."

Puck held his hands up in surrender. "Measure away Hummel. Just try not to be too impressed by my inseam."

Not in the mood for Puck's innuendos, Kurt ignored him, concentrating on his measuring. He stared at the number in shock as he sat back on his heels. "This can't be. It just _can't_."

"What can't be?" Carole asked, already dressed in her gown as she came into the room, Burt just behind her. "Baby, why are you wearing Kurt's pants?"

"They're _my _pants!" Finn cried, exasperated. He quickly pulled the pants off, holding them out to his mother. "See? Size 38."

"I think you need thicker glasses, Finn," Kurt announced from the floor. "Those aren't a 38. They just _can't_ be."

Carole examined the tag. "He's right, Kurt. It says 38. You've never been a 38 in your life."

"This is a travesty. An absolute travesty," Kurt cried, wringing his hands. He eyed his father's tuxedo. "Dad, let me see your pants."

Without waiting for his father to answer, he lined the measuring tape against his father's leg, only to see that Burt's measurements were correct.

"Inseam size 30 just like always, right Kurt?" Burt asked, looking down at his son who'd begun rocking on his heels one hand clutching the tape measure to his heart as he contemplated this new development. "Finn's all leg, unlike you and me."

"How? How is this possible? I planned _everything,_" Kurt replied, beginning to take quick rapid breaths as he rocked. "It just can't _be_."

"Kurt, don't you think you're overreacting? It's no big deal. I'll just hide behind Rachel's dress," Finn reasoned as he put the pants back on.

Kurt paused his hyperventilating, his hand held over his heart. "_No big deal_? No big deal? You're insane if you think I would let you go out there looking like Urkel after all the planning I did for this wedding!"

"Kurt, really. You need to relax," Blaine decided, offering Kurt a drink. "It's just pants."

"_Just pants_?" Kurt screeched, ignoring the drink. "Are you insane? How many years have we been together and you still make a statement like that?"

"Kurt, just take the drink. It's fine. No one will even notice, since they'll all be looking at how gorgeous Rachel looks," Finn predicted, his mind immediately conjuring up an image of Rachel in her (still unknown to him) dress. "Relax."

Kurt swallowed the drink in one gulp, wiping his face with his hand. "Relax? You want me to _relax_? When I planned this wedding, I in no way included the groom wearing pants seven inches too short for him! It's going to ruin my wedding!"

"_Your_ wedding?" Finn arched an eyebrow at him. "Last time I checked, I was the one planning on marrying Rachel."

"Which you will _not_ be doing with pants that are seven inches too short. You know what I meant," Kurt snapped as he resumed his pacing. "There's something amiss here."

"It's just a simple mistake, Kurt," Burt reasoned.

Kurt paused his pacing to glare at his father. "These tuxes were all personally measured by my Personal Shopping Department. A mistake is simply impossible."

"And yet Hudson's got Berry sized pants on," Puck added unhelpfully, laughing at the sight of Finn and his super short pants on the couch.

"Shove it Puckerman," Kurt snapped. "My department is _incredibly _precise when it comes to measuring. This type of mistake is like something you'd see up in Bridal…_oh no._"

"What?" Burt asked wearily as he sat down next to Finn.

"Finn's pants being so short reeks of sabotage," Kurt spat out. "There's only one person who'd stoop to something so low. _Charles._"

"Don't be ridiculous, Kurt. Charles wouldn't do this," Carole replied.

"He absolutely would," Kurt cried. "We had our monthly sales meeting earlier this week and as usual Bridal was on the decline, while Personal Shopping increased in revenue. Charles was furious, especially when Personal Shopping got Department of the Month. This type of sabotage is exactly the kind of petty revenge he'd plan."

"Why would he do that to Finn?" Burt questioned. "Doesn't he like Finn or something?"

"Berry not cutting it for you, Hudson?" Puck commented, snickering.

"Shut up, Puckerman," Finn retorted, tossing a marker at Puck's head, who was now shaking with laughter.

"I wouldn't laugh too hard, Puck. Turns out Charles also likes mohawks," Kurt added, snickering in spite of the situation. "He wanted to personally measure you and Finn."

Puck faltered at the thought for a moment before recovering and adopting a smirk. "Guy's got good taste then."

"That's debatable," Kurt snapped.

"Hey!"

"Dude!"

Finn let his protest out at the same time Puck did, earning the laughter of the rest of the room.

"Can we get back to the matter at hand?" Kurt snapped, pulling out his cell phone.

"What are you doing?" Carole demanded, hoping he wasn't going to do what she thought he was doing.

"I'm calling Charles! He can't get away with ruining my wedding! Finn looks like the Lollipop Guild from _The Wizard of Oz!" _Kurt exclaimed, his fingers dialing furiously. He put the phone up to his ear, tapping his foot impatiently. "Hello? I need to speak to Charles _immediately._ This is a matter of life or death...What?...Well where is he?..._Antigua!_...Would you have the number of his hotel?"

"Kurt! Enough!" Burt demanded, pulling the cell phone from him. "You're not accusing some guy of making Finn look stupid."

"Hey!" Finn objected.

"Sorry, Finn but you do," Burt replied, shrugging."You look like one of those old men you see on the commercials for retirement villages in Florida."

Kurt began pacing. "Charles is smarter than I gave him credit for. He left for Antigua on Thursday, obviously after he'd sabotaged me. It's the perfect alibi."

"Kurt, I really think you're taking this feud a little too far," Carole commented.

"He took it too far when he tried to get my male clients to get their tuxedos in Bridal and not Personal Shopping," Kurt cried, still pacing. "I had to do some serious negotiating to get them to stay."

"Kurt, relax. There's got to be an explanation," Blaine reasoned.

"I already told you! He sabotaged me! He _knows_ that everyone at Bergdorf's is waiting to see pictures! They'll see Rachel in her fabulous couture dress purchased from Charles, and then they'll see Finn channeling his inner Urkel in a custom suit from Personal Shopping! I'll be humiliated!"

"Well do you have the order form?" Carole asked. "Surely Finn's measurements would be on there."

"Excellent thinking, Carole. I'm sure Charles was too stupid to destroy the paper trail." Kurt opened a folder he'd left next to the sewing machine, thumbing through the papers inside. "Here we are. I filled these out for Finn myself, so it'll be easy to see Charles' handwriting."

"Well?"

"Hold on." He skimmed the page, looking for evidence of tampering. "Extra long arms, pants size 38x30." He paused. "I don't see anything crossed out."

"38x30?" Carole demanded. "That's not his inseam! He's a 34!"

"What'd I say?" He looked up from the paper, confused.

"You said, _pants size 38x30," _Carole repeated. "Finn was probably a 30 in middle school."

"I knew it!" Kurt crowed triumphantly. "Charles must have..." He trailed off as he stared in horror at the paper.

"What? What's the matter?" Burt asked.

Kurt looked up from the paper, his eyes wide and his voice no more than a whisper. "That's my handwriting. I put down _my_ inseam."

Puck burst out laughing. "You've been blaming this guy Charles when it was you? How'd you do that?"

"You don't understand how busy it was that day," Kurt snapped. "One of our most difficult clients was there and I was distracted..."

_"Kurt! Code Red!"_

_Kurt looked up in annoyance from Finn's paperwork. "What? Why is she here now?"_

_"I don't know, but she is and she wants to see you."_

_Kurt sighed, abandoning Finn's paperwork and heading out onto the salon floor._

_"About time you got here Porcelain," Sue stated, comfortably lounging in an arm chair. "This is unacceptable."_

_"Is there a problem Sue?" Kurt asked._

_"Indeed there is, Lady Trousers," Sue barked. "Becky! Fill Porcelain in."_

_Becky cleared her throat as she lifted her clipboard, prepared to read. "Ms. Sylvester has been here since 9:35 A.M. and since that time has acquired the following grievances. 1. Her usual dressing room was occupied by a man wearing too much cheap cologne. The dressing room will need to be fumigated before it can be occupied by Ms. Sylvester."_

_"Better get on that, Porcelain, before it sets in the walls," Sue interrupted._

_"I'm sure it's not that bad," Kurt replied, resisting the urge to roll his eyes._

_"Not that bad! The smell of cheap cologne was so strong I had to check to make sure your brother wasn't around!"_

_"Fine. We'll have it cleaned. Is that the only problem?"_

_"You wish, Porcelain. Becky, fire away." Sue directed._

_"Grievance 2: Ms. Sylvester's contract with Bergdorf's specifically states that a cheese platter is to be present at all consultations and fittings. Said cheese platter is never to have provolone cheese on it."_

_"I never agreed to a cheese platter!" Kurt commented, glancing at the offending platter._

_"You okayed it," Becky replied, holding up a copy of the contract._

_Kurt peered at it carefully, noticing that the cheese platter had been okayed by one Porcelain Horatio Hummel. "You forged that! My middle name isn't even Horatio and despite what you think my first name isn't Porcelain."_

_"And yet you continue to sign your name like that. Probably not the best business move Lady Face," Sue commented. "You know what to do Becky."_

_Becky immediately flipped the cheese platter. "This is completely unacceptable! Ms. Sylvester demands better!"_

_"Becky Faye Jackson, that was excellent form. You're coming along nicely. Pretty soon we'll have you flipping tables at five star restaurants." Sue nodded in approval._

_Kurt's mouth dropped open. "Sue! You can't throw things in here!"_

_"I'm afraid I can Porcelain. Becky! My contract!"_

_Becky promptly handed Sue the contract who put on her glasses, holding the contract out in front of her. "Section four, paragraph 16, clause 2A clearly states Sue Sylvester (henceforth referred to as buyer) reserves the right to either flip or throw an object of her choice to show her displeasure at the actions of Bergdorf's (henceforth referred to as Seller). As you can see, you signed, Porcelain." She gestured to writing next to it once again showing that Porcelain Horatio Hummel approved this clause._

_"I didn't sign that!" he repeated, frustrated that she was here. "And how many times have I told you you can't just show up? You need an appointment!"_

_"Again, I refer you to the contract, Lady Trousers." She held up the contract prepared to read exactly why she could in fact arrive when she felt like it._

_"Sue! Enough!" Kurt pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "That's a fake contract and you know it!"_

_"Pretty sure the Admiral's not gonna be happy you called his hard work fake, Porcelain." She stood up. "Nevertheless, despite not having my cheese or my dressing room, let's get on with my fitting. Becky and I need Black Tie track suits. Gotta accept yet another businesswoman of the year award."_

_"Fine. Let me get your chart from my office." He hurried away, anxious to get Sue out of the store as quickly as possible. He paused by his desk, quickly filling in the rest of Finn's measurements. Grabbing Sue's chart and Finn's papers, he raced back onto the floor, handing Finn's papers to George. "Here. Take my brother's order down to Henri while I work with Sue."_

Kurt turned sad eyes onto Finn. "I've ruined the wedding because of Sue and her crazy demands."

"It's not a big deal, Kurt," Finn assured him. "I'll just get Sue back on the softball field."

"But it is! It's a huge deal!" Kurt screeched. "You're going to be standing next to Rachel and when people look at her dress, eventually they'll notice you!"

"Kurt! You need to call down," Blaine reasoned, handing Kurt a shot of alcohol. "Drink this."

Kurt downed the shot. "I'm _ruined."_

"Kurt, it's fine. I can just wear a pair of black pants I already own," Finn offered.

"Are you _insane_?" Kurt insisted, scandalized at the thought. "That's a custom made suit. The dye lot won't be the same. They'll be the wrong shade of black!"

"Well maybe I can wear Mike's pants," Finn offered. "He can wear Puck's and Puck can wear Sam's and so on."

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" Kurt moaned. "Wait till Charles gets a hold of this! He's going to make sure it goes in Bergdorf's company newsletter."

"Well what do you suggest we do then?" Finn snapped, losing patience. "You won't let me stand behind Rachel's dress and I can't wear anyone else's pants, so unless someone can think of some other plan, I don't see anything else you can do."

"I'll call Henri," Kurt said desperately. "Maybe he can add material or something."

"There's no time, Kurt," Carole said gently. "The photographer will be here in an hour."

"There's no other way, Carole. We'll simply have to push the ceremony back until Henri has fixed his pants," Kurt declared. "I'll deal with Rachel's wrath."

"We're not pushing the ceremony back," Finn said firmly. "I don't care if I look like Urkel."

"Aren't you overlooking the obvious?" Puck piped up.

"I assure you I've thought of all possible solutions, Puck. This is my job," Kurt snapped.

"What's the obvious?" Burt asked, looking at Puck.

"Tuxedo Junction."

"Oh no. No. No. _No," _Kurt cried, horrified at the thought of the massive chain store specializing in tuxedo rental. "He can't wear a rental! I'll be a laughingstock!"

"Yes, Kurt," Carole decided. "He can get a whole new tuxedo with pants that _fit_, quickly."

"I won't allow it." Kurt stamped his foot in protest. "Neither will Rachel."

"Rachel won't care if I have a rental tux and you know it," Finn pointed out. "She _will_ care if you make me late for the ceremony or if she finds out I had the chance to have a normal tuxedo and you wouldn't let me use it."

"Those rental tuxedos are made from the cheapest material! It's going to clash with the fabric of the custom tuxes!"

"Well maybe you should double check your measurements from now on to avoid that," Finn retorted. "It sounds good to me."

"Here's what we're going to do. Burt, you go with Finny and get the tuxedo. The rest of us will stay here and get ready for the photographer," Carole announced, pursing her lips together.

"I'm going too," Kurt decided. "I need to make sure the tuxedo fits and won't clash with the groomsmen's tuxedos."

"Absolutely not," Carole said firmly. "You're the reason my baby looks like Urkel, so you're staying put. Burt can handle it."

"But-"

"_**No**_. I said you're staying here." She turned to Burt and Finn. "Go now and try to get a tux that matches this one as closely as possible."

"Got it." Burt pulled his car keys out of his pocket already heading for the door, Finn right behind him.

"You think they'll have the awesome orange tux from _Dumb and Dumber_ there?" Finn asked just loud enough to hear.

Kurt gasped, holding a hand to his heart. "I swear, if he comes home with an orange tuxedo..."

"You know he won't, Kurt," Blaine assured him. "He'd never risk pissing Rachel off like that. Why don't you go shower and get ready?"

"Yes, Kurt. You've been going on and on about the schedule and it's your turn to shower," Carole added. "Go."

"But I haven't finished the final inspection of the flowers! And Vlad still needs to be put into his tuxedo!"

"Get in the shower, young man," Carole replied in her _don't mess with me_ voice. "We'll check the flowers and get Vlad ready."

Knowing better than to protest, Kurt nodded, heading up the stairs. He paused midway up the stairs. "Just know that Final Inspection commences when I come back downstairs and if I so much as _see_ a flash of an orange tux, I _will _tear it to shreds."

"Can't wait," Carole replied tiredly. She scooped up Vlad, ready to put him in the doggy tuxedo Rachel had bought for him. "You ready to wear your tux, Vladdie? Let's hope Uncle Kurt didn't measure your tux too."

"_I heard that!"_

"Get in the shower, Kurt!" Carole yelled back as she gestured to Artie to help her get Vlad into the tuxedo. The two of them finally managed to wrangle the less than willing Chihuahua into the tuxedo, cursing the day Rachel got the idea to have Finn and Vlad take pictures in their matching tuxedos.

Kurt came flying down the stairs forty minutes later, dressed in his immaculate tuxedo. "Are they back yet?"

"Not yet," Carole replied over her shoulder as she pinned a boutonnière on Mike.

"But the photographer will be here any minute!" Kurt fretted. "And we have no groom!"

"It's going to be fine, Kurt," Carole promised, moving onto Sam. "They'll be back soon."

"How can you say that? It's a _rental_. You'll be able to tell the difference a mile away. We'll have to ban people from taking pictures." Kurt began pacing, his hands behind his back as he figured out the logistics of his new plan.

"Kurt, stop pacing and let me put this on you," Carole instructed, holding out a boutonnière. "We need to be ready for the photographer. He can take pictures of the rings and Vlad until Finny gets back."

Kurt paused his pacing long enough to let Carole pin the flower on him. "That's a good plan. The other photographer should be at Rachel's already. I better check on that."

Carole and the other groomsmen rolled their eyes as he called Mercedes, immediately dictating what poses the girls should be placed in and demanding to speak to the photographer. "...and Quinn and Brittany should be separated because they're both blondes. Plus, Brittany should be kept away from Rachel because she'll look even tinier...hello?"

He stared at the phone in surprise. "I think we got disconnected. I better dial again."

Sam's cell phone beeped just as Kurt began redialing. He peeked down at the text message from his girlfriend, grinning at Mercedes' directive to get the phone away from Kurt before the photographer beats him with his camera.

"Huh. She's not answering now. Let me try Quinn." Kurt sank down on the couch, prepared to dial Quinn. Fortunately, a car door slamming distracted him before he could get Quinn. He jumped up, tossing the cell phone onto the couch. "I heard a car door. Is it Finn?"

Sam discreetly pocketed Kurt's phone, watching as Kurt ran to the door.

"Too bad we can't hide him," Puck muttered. "You got room in that pocket if I shove him in?"

"It's him! He's back!" Kurt cried, opening the door and calling out. "Let me see the tux!"

"Jeez Kurt, he just got back. Let him in," Burt directed, following Kurt and Finn into the living room.

Kurt circled Finn, examing the tuxedo critically as he reached out to finger the material. "I have to say, it's not a bad match. The material isn't bad either. If I didn't know better, I'd say this was a Hugo Boss suit."

"That's because it is, Kurt," Finn replied smugly.

"Impossible," Kurt replied immediately, still circling. "Hugo Boss doesn't do _rentals._"

"Yeah, well, they didn't have any tuxes to rent in Gigantor size, so Finn had to buy a tux. We both knew that Hugo Boss is sold at Bergdorf's so we figured this would meet with your approval," Burt explained. "They did a rush on the tailoring, but it looks ok right?"

"While it's not up to my standards, the average lay person wouldn't know the difference," Kurt decided. "I'm just going to make a few adjustments."

"No!" Finn cried. "Step away from the suit!"

"Don't be ridiculous! I'm just going to-" Kurt began just as the doorbell rang. He paused, immediately distracted as Carole went to answer the door, Vlad at her feet. "Oh! The photographer is here!"

Finn smirked, glancing at his watch. "Check it out, Kurt. It's 1:57."

"So?"

"It's 1:57," Finn repeated smugly. "All morning I've been hearing about how you won't be going off schedule because of me. Despite you Urkeling me and being a pain in the ass, looks like I made it with three minutes to spare."

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: I could so see Kurt driving everyone nuts on a wedding day. And Finn wearing Kurt sized pants just makes me laugh._**


	21. New in Town

**_Disclaimer: Glee is not mine._**

* * *

><p><em><strong>Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.<strong>_

**_ – Carol Burnett_**

* * *

><p>"<em>Sigh<em>."

Rachel placed a hand on her back, watching her husband unlock their door. Her other hand moved to gently rub her immense stomach.

"What? Are you ok? Is that a contraction?" Finn asked immediately, pausing his unlocking to look at his nine months pregnant wife.

"No, it's more of a _my feet hurt and I want to get in the bathtub but my husband is taking too long to unlock the door _sigh," she grumbled. "Plus I have to pee."

"Poor baby." He pressed a kiss to her forehead, the keys still in his hand. "How about when we get inside I'll get the tub ready while you handle the peeing. Deal?"

"_Finn_. The door," she replied impatiently, not in the mood for cute banter. "Open. Now."

He opened the door, stepping out of the way to let Rachel in. She walked as quickly as she possibly could at nine months pregnant, ignoring Vlad as she headed for the closest bathroom.

"Sorry, dude but you know how she is when she has to pee," Finn commented as he picked up a confused Chihuahua. Together they headed into the bedroom, making their way into the master bathroom. Finn closed the toilet lid, placing Vlad on it to watch as he began filling the tub, adding in the aroma bubbles Rachel liked so much (but not the vanilla scented ones currently on her shit list. He'd learned _that _the hard way when she burst out crying about how horrible the smell was and how he clearly didn't love her anymore if he'd used those bubbles). "Couple of more days, dude, then you'll have normal mommy back."

Vlad watched from his toilet perch as Finn tested the water, his little tail swishing across the lid at Finn's words.

"I see you're excited for that day too, dude," Finn commented as he folded a towel for Rachel for to use as a pillow.

"Is my bath ready, Finn?" Rachel demanded, appearing in the doorway.

"Almost," he replied as he stood up. "Let's get you out of these clothes."

"_Finn._ I may be the size of a small planet but I am still capable of removing my clothes myself," she snapped as she pulled her maternity dress over her head. "If I remember correctly, you removing my clothes is how I got to be the size of a small planet."

He sighed, more than used to Rachel's mood swings, which had only gotten worse the closer she got to her due date. The current heat wave New York was embroiled in; combined with her doctor telling them today that there was no progress had done little to improve her mood. He sighed again, wondering how he was going to make it through the next eight days until her due date. "Fine."

"What's your problem?" she asked, now fully naked. Carefully she made her way over to the tub, ignoring the hand he was holding out. "I can do it. I'm not an invalid."

"I didn't say you were," he replied, his hands hovering nearby as he watched her get into the tub and settle down. "But you _are_ pregnant."

"I _don't _need reminding of that." She leaned back against the towel pillow Finn had folded for her, watching as he pulled off his shirt and threw it on the ground. "What are you doing?"

"Undressing." He unbuttoned his shorts. "That tub is a two person tub, you know."

"I'm aware," she replied as she watched him let the shorts fall to the ground. "I'm also aware that there's already two people in the tub, so there's no room for you."

"What?" He stared at her in surprise, his hands on the waistband of his boxers. "I can't come in?"

"I really need the room to stretch. You come in and take up the whole tub."

"You really don't want me in?" he asked, beyond confused since last week she'd insisted on him bathing _with_ her, crying until he'd joined her in the bathtub.

"No," she replied irritably. "Your giant body will crush me."

"Fine." He picked up Vlad and sat down on the toilet, his eyes watching her as she closed her eyes and relaxed.

She cracked open one eye. "Can you go away? You're annoying me right now."

"Seriously?" He stared at her in surprise. "You really want me to leave? What did I do?"

"Your hair is super messy today. Kurt's right. It _hurts_ to look at," she announced. "And take the Chihuahua with you. He's annoying me too."

"What did he do?" Finn cried, holding Vlad protectively to his chest.

"He stares. You know I hate that."

"Fine," he grumbled as he stood up. He grabbed his clothes off the floor. "If you need us, we'll be in the den watching TV and annoying each other."

"Have fun," she replied, closing her eyes again. She waited until they'd left to reach for her razor, planning to shave her legs. Carefully, she raised her leg out of the water, frowning when she realized she couldn't reach with the razor thanks to her stomach. She tried a slightly different position, only to get the same results.

Frustrated, she threw the razor across the bathroom. Her legs _needed_ to be shaved. Her due date was rapidly approaching and she'd be damned if she was going to have hairy legs when she gave birth. She'd been getting by since the last time she'd had them waxed weeks ago, but the hair was starting to become noticeable and waxing was out of the question since her pregnancy skin had become super sensitive to the hot wax.

"Finn!" she called out, her voice holding a note of hysteria. "Finn!"

He came running, Vlad at his feet. The two paused in the doorway, one looking frantic, the other happily wagging his tail. "What? What is it? Is it the baby? Are you in labor? Should I call the doctor?"

"I can't shave my legs!" she wailed, pointing in the general direction of her legs.

"Oh." He exhaled, clearly relieved. "Is that all?"

She glared at him. "It's not funny! I'm like a gorilla, I'm so hairy!"

He burst out laughing as he placed Vlad back on the closed toilet lid. "A gorilla?"

"I'm glad you find my hairiness amusing, Finn," Rachel replied crisply. "I'm _so_ happy I could entertain you for these last nine months."

Finn stopped laughing, immediately sensing danger. "So go get them waxed. Don't you normally do that anyway?"

"I_ can't_. It bothers my skin now," she pouted. "Can you do it for me, Finn?"

"Me?" He didn't bother hiding the surprise in his voice. "You want me to shave your _legs_? I'm a dude!"

"_Please_, baby?" She unleashed her eyes on him, knowing he'd cave. "I can't reach."

He sighed, already making his way to the tub. "What do I have to do?"

"Thanks, Finny!" She beamed, blowing him a kiss. "My shaving cream is in the cabinet and get a new razor out."

"Anything else?" he asked, reaching into the tub and running a hand lightly over her immense belly.

"Not at the moment. So what did Will want earlier?" Rachel asked as she lay back against the tub, her head propped on the towel. Her hand came up out of the water to rest on the ledge.

"Huh?"

"Will called when we were at the restaurant, remember?" she prompted.

"Are you sure about this, babe?" Finn asked doubtfully, ignoring her question. "I've never shaved anyone's legs before."

She rolled her eyes. "Finn, you shave your face practically every day, I think you can shave my legs."

"Yeah, but-"

"No buts. I can't see past my stomach to shave my legs and waxing now bothers me, so that leaves you as my personal shaver." She paused, her hands rubbing her large belly. "You owe me, since it's your fault I can't shave my legs myself."

"I know, my giant sperm," he grumbled, rummaging through the cabinet for the shaving cream and razor. He grabbed the first can he saw, determined to get this over with.

"Finn! That's _your_ shaving cream!" Rachel chided from the tub. "I'd like to smell like a jasmine meadow _not_ you."

"And what is wrong with smelling like me?" he demanded, replacing the offending shaving cream back in the cabinet and grabbing hers. He made his way over to the tub, kneeling next to it as he stared at her. "You always say how much you love the way I smell."

"That doesn't mean _I_ want to smell like you."

"Alright, so what do I do?" he asked, still staring doubtfully at the can in his hand.

"It's not complicated, Finn. It's like your face, but different," Rachel explained brightly. "Just be careful around my ankles and knees."

"Got it." He picked up her left leg, placing it on the ledge as he squirted shaving cream into his hand. He smiled as he saw Rachel's eyes close once he started lathering her leg. "Enjoying yourself?"

"Mmmhmm."

He smiled again, massaging her leg a little harder as he continued to lather her leg. Truth be told, he didn't really _mind_ doing this for her, since she was seriously huge and uncomfortable and as she never failed to point out, it _was_ his fault, although he frequently had to bite his lip to keep from pointing out that she wasn't exactly complaining when he'd impregnated her.

"So what did Will want?" Rachel asked again, opening her eyes when she felt the loss of his hands on her leg.

"Oh, he just wanted to tell me about the meeting being changed." He picked up the razor with his right hand, his left hand holding her leg. Carefully, he began shaving a small section of her leg. "But it doesn't matter since I'm not going anyway."

"Why not?" she asked, her hands rubbing her belly as she watched him continue to shave her leg.

"The company was supposed to come to our office, but now we're going to their office." His brow furrowed as he concentrated on shaving her ankle.

"So? Why aren't you going? You've been working on this pitch for weeks."

"Their office is in Philadelphia. They're leaving on the 20th and the pitch is on the 21st," he explained, dipping the razor in the water for a moment. He looked up at her in concern. "I can't go to Philadelphia now."

"Why not?" Her hands continued rubbing her stomach as she watched him resume his shaving.

The surprise in her voice made him pause and look up. "Because you're like _really_ pregnant?"

She rolled her eyes. "And I'll still be like _really_ pregnant when you get back."

"Baby, I can't leave you now," he answered as he resumed his shaving. "You're too close to your due date."

"Finn, I'm fine. You heard the doctor. There's nothing going on." She patted his cheek reassuringly. "Go to Philadelphia for your pitch."

"I don't want to be that far away from you," Finn replied worriedly. "What if something happens and you go into labor? I'm going to tell Will to send someone else."

"_No." _Rachel placed her hands on her protruding stomach. "I've had a discussion with Baby Us and we've decided that you need to go. Baby Us _promises_ to stay put."

"You can't control that, Rachel, no matter what you think." Finished with one leg, he reached for the shaving cream to lather her other leg.

"I won't go into labor, I know I won't," she insisted stubbornly. "I know how big a pitch this is for you. You need to be there for it."

"Artie can handle it," he assured her, beginning to shave her other leg. "I need to be where you are."

_"Finn-"_

_"Rachel."_ He stared at her, mimicking her tone. "I'm _not_ going and that's final."

She crossed her arms in frustration as she watched him resume shaving. "I'm not a baby, Finn."

"No, you're just about to _have_ a baby," he corrected, concentrating on his shaving. "You're about to have _my_ baby and I'm not going to miss it."

"And you won't. It won't happen till after you get back," Rachel predicted. "I picked July 26th in the baby birthday pool at my shower and I _know_ I'm right."

He laughed as he continued shaving. "July 26th? Why then?"

"Well, the book says most women rarely deliver on their due date. I'm due July 23rd, so that date is out and it's very unlikely I'll go early since the book says most first time moms don't go early. I figure three days late is perfect because it's still close enough to my due date that my doctor won't start talking about inducing like Tina." She patted her belly affectionately. "I've had extensive talks with Baby Us about it. It's all set."

"Is it now?" He bit his cheek to keep from laughing at her.

She nodded smugly. "Kurt naïvely picked my due date. Sucker."

"How come I don't get to pick a date?" he asked, gently shaving around her knee.

"You were at the Mets game during my shower," Rachel reminded him. "Remember, there wasn't enough testosterone in the apartment so you went to the baseball game with Burt and the boys?"

"Well we weren't about to stay with all of you girls and Kurt, oohing and ahhing over a stroller," he commented, raising her leg to shave behind her knee.

"We weren't ooohing over a stroller," she retorted. "Onesies _maybe_ but not a stroller."

"So I just pick a day?" he asked curiously. "Is that how this works?"

"No." She thought hard, running through the available dates on the pastel baby calendar hanging on the fridge. "I can give you July 22nd but that's the best I can do."

He laughed. "Oh really? The best you can do? I can't bump anyone from their date since I'm the baby daddy?"

"Finn! That would be rude! July 22nd may be a dud date, but it's the only one left."

"What do you mean, a dud date?" he teased. "Baby Us might choose to come that day."

"Don't be ridiculous, Finn. I told you, the baby will be coming July 26th," she retorted. "What time, I don't know, but I told the baby I'd prefer in the afternoon."

"Don't you think we should start setting up the nursery?" he asked as a change of subject, now shaving her thigh.

"Oh don't worry about that, Finny," Rachel replied. "Kurt and I have it all worked out."

"Let me guess. You two supervise while I do all the lifting, painting and moving?" Finn asked wryly. "It'll be like when we moved into this apartment all over again."

Rachel chose to ignore that. "We have two sets of furniture on hold. The second Baby Us arrives, Kurt will call and arrange for delivery and start painting the nursery."

"That means Burt and Blaine will start painting while Kurt bitches about a speck of paint on his coveralls," Finn decoded. "Don't you think that's a little ridiculous? Why can't we just paint it yellow?"

"Well if you had let me find out the sex of the baby like I _wanted_, we could already have a nice blue nursery set up."

"Still thinking it's a boy?" he asked, lowering her leg into the water to rinse off the leftover shaving cream. "There. All done."

"Thank you, baby." She held out her hands for her husband to help her up. "And I don't _think_ it's a boy. I _know_ it's a boy."

"You don't know that for sure," he pointed out, gently pulling her to her feet. Secretly, he thought it would be _awesome _to have a little him and teach him how to play sports and stuff. Judging by Rachel's immense size, he had a feeling she was right, but he wasn't about to tell her that.

"I do. My pregnancy has been eerily similar to Tina's and I'm even _bigger _than she was," Rachel reminded him, carefully stepping out of the tub with Finn's assistance. "So clearly I'm having a boy."

"I guess we'll see if you're right soon." He handed her a towel, helping her dry off. Carefully, he rubbed the towel over her stomach, leaning down to place a gentle kiss on it.

She smiled, placing a hand on her back. "Of course, my immense size and the fact that I'm even bigger than Tina was with David I blame on your giant genes."

"Mike's almost as tall as I am!" he defended, stepping away from her to unplug the tub drain.

"But he wasn't almost 9 lbs when he was born; nor was he the biggest baby in the nursery," Rachel insisted. "I checked."

"How'd you do that?" he asked, amused and slightly scared for the answer.

"I asked his mother at David's christening. Mike was a normal size baby and he had the courtesy to become a giant _after_ he'd exited his mother, unlike you."

"Are you going to hold that against me forever?" He placed a hand on her belly, rubbing softly.

"Did someone else make me gain 40 pounds?" She made her way over to the counter, pulling out her toothbrush.

"Well…" Finn hesitated as he watched her brush her teeth, not wanting to point out that the copious amounts of nacho platters she'd consumed contributed more to her weight gain than his genes did.

"I'll take your hesitation as a yes, which means that yes, I will be holding it against you forever," Rachel announced over her shoulder as she walked into the bedroom.

Finn followed her, his eyes fixated on her naked form as she waddled over to the dresser and pulled out panties and one of his t-shirts to sleep in. She slipped them on, making her way over to the bed and pulling back the comforter. Carefully, she slid in, Vlad already snuggled in next to her.

"You going to sleep already?" he asked in surprise. "It's only 8:00."

"I'm tired," she snapped. "I'm carrying your giant spawn and I'm tired, is that ok?"

He took a step backwards at the sudden mood swing. "Yeah, I was just surprised, that's all."

"Well I don't know why you're surprised. You think it's easy carrying a baby?" she demanded crossly. "God, do you think you could wear a hat or something? I really can't stand your hair."

"No, I'm sure it's not," he replied quickly, wanting to get the hell out of this conversation. His hand flew up to his hair trying to flatten it.

Rachel flipped back the comforter, covering the Chihuahua next to her. "Cuddle."

Finn's eyes darted between Rachel and Vlad, who'd come out from under the comforter with an indignant look. "What?"

"Cuddle." She patted the bed invitingly, once again throwing him off with her mood swing.

"You want to cuddle? With me?" he stipulated carefully.

"No the guy behind you," she replied sarcastically. "Of course with you."

"Just checking," he replied as he crawled onto the bed. Unsure of exactly how Rachel wanted to cuddle, he waited for her to make the first move. She turned onto her left side, pulling his arm over her body. Automatically, he molded to her backside, his fingers entwining with hers against her belly. Feeling like it was safe to do so; he nuzzled his nose into the crook of her neck, placing a few kisses against her skin.

"So when would you be leaving for Philadelphia?"

He paused mid kiss. "I told you, I'm not going."

She turned her head to look at him. "And I told _you_, Baby Us will not be arriving until July 26th."

"We're not having this discussion again. I'm _not_ going."

"I can't let you miss this pitch! You've been working on it forever."

"It's fine. I think this is more important." He placed another kiss on her neck, his hand rubbing her belly. "You realize this is our last few days as a duo?"

She smiled. "Excited?"

"Absolutely." He pressed his hand against her belly, hoping to feel some movement.

Rachel turned her head. "Finn. I told you. The book says Baby Us has run out of room in there so he's not going to be kicking as much."

"Yeah? Roll over," he directed, shifting so she could roll onto her back. He scooted down the bed a little, pushing her shirt up so that he could rest his head against her stomach as he began to sing, Rachel playing idly with his hair. "_Tommy used to work on the dock…"_

He smirked when his singing was rewarded with a series of kicks and flutters. To Rachel's supreme annoyance, the baby frequently responded to his singing _Livin' on a Prayer_, rocking out inside the womb while Rachel's constant singing of Barbra's greatest hits was greeted with silence. She and Kurt had taken to placing headphones on her stomach, letting the baby listen to Barbra's greatest hits in the hopes of making the baby the youngest Steisandaholic but to no avail. He picked his head up to grin at Rachel. "We've got a little rock star in there, Rach."

"I don't know why the baby likes that song so much," she huffed, her fingers twisting locks of his hair. "Maybe all that kicking is the baby's way of telling you to stop."

"You're just jealous because the baby thinks Barbra sucks," he commented without thinking, busy placing kisses on her stomach. "Baby Us has clearly inherited my kick ass taste in music."

Rachel's fingers immediately stilled in his hair. "What did you say?"

Uh oh. Wisely sensing danger, he sat up, trying to backtrack. "Baby, I just meant…"

"Out." Her tone brokered no argument. Vlad, who'd been sleeping near the foot of the bed, sat up, his bug eyes trained on his owners as his tail thumped against the bed.

"What?"

"I said, _out_. Go sleep in the guest room or even the nursery, I can't even _look_ at you and your messy hair right now." She pointed towards the door with one hand, the other reaching for the phone. "And take Vladimir with you."

"He's kicked out too?" he cried as he climbed off the bed. "Why now?"

"He thumps his tail too noisily, so he's out."

"Rachel. You're being-" He bit his tongue, knowing he ran a very strong risk of getting hit with something if he finished that sentence with the word _insane_. "Never mind. Come on, Vlad."

"And for the record, tomorrow we're waging war against your hair. I'm not looking at that mess any longer. Now go." She watched him exit with Vlad as she held the phone up to his ear. "Hello? Kurt? You are not going to _believe_ what your brother just had the nerve to say to me!"

Finn sighed as he picked up Vlad and shut the bedroom door behind him. Rachel had kicked him out of the bedroom more times than he could count in the past two months but fortunately never locked the door, so he'd do what he usually did, which was to wait until she fell asleep and then get into bed himself. He held Vlad close to him. "Eight more days, dude. Eight more days."

He couldn't _wait._

* * *

><p>"Dude! What happened to your hair?" Mike cried; doubling over in laughter as Finn stepped into the elevator Monday morning.<p>

"Rachel happened," he muttered, touching a hand to his hair self consciously as the elevator zoomed towards Schuester's. "Apparently, everything I do, including how my hair grows, annoys her…"

_"So what do you think?" Rachel wrung her hands as she awaited Blaine's response. "Is there any hope?"_

_Blaine crossed his arms as he rubbed his chin in contemplation. "It's hard to say. I need to take a closer look."_

_"Here." As if she was helping Blaine fix an engine, she switched on a flashlight, holding it close to a sleeping Finn's head. "Does that help?"_

_Blaine leaned closer, examining Finn's follicles closely. "I'm glad you called me. I think I can help."_

_Rachel nodded furiously. "I knew you'd be the only one who could. What do you recommend?"_

_"He's going to need gel and a lot of it. I'd say he's going to require an extra hold type," Blaine predicted. "The front pieces seem to have a mind of their own. Obviously they were never trained."_

_"They weren't. Carole dropped the ball on that one," Rachel agreed bitterly. "And now I have to suffer since I have to look at him."_

_"Well lucky for you, I have the same type of unruly hair," Blaine announced. "So I'm in a position to help you."_

_Rachel held a hand to her chest. "Oh thank God. What brand do you recommend?"_

_Blaine tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I just got a new shipment of my gel in from Israel. I can start you out with a bottle and then I'll give you the name of my contact so you can order by the case like I do." _

_"I'm not gelling my hair."_

_Rachel and Blaine both looked down at a now awake Finn in surprise. He opened both eyes, staring up at them. _

_"Finny, we're trying to help you tame that hair," Rachel persuaded. "Look how nice Blaine looks all shellacked."_

_"There's nothing wrong with my hair, Rachel." He sat up, his hair even messier from his nap. "You've never complained before."_

_Rachel bristled. "I most certainly have. You're gelling it and that's final."_

_"No, I'm not. I don't want to have to spend forever in the mirror like Blaine does." He crossed his arms defiantly, immediately uncrossing them when Rachel burst out crying. _

_"I just wanted you to look nice," she wailed. "It's not like I can do anything about the annoying way your nose flares but at least I could make your hair look presentable for when Baby Us arrives."_

_"Baby, don't cry," he pleaded, gently pulling her towards him. He carefully settled her in his lap, putting his arms around her as she sobbed into his neck. "You know I hate when you cry."_

_She picked her head up off his shoulder, sniffling. "I don't want the hospital to think we're unfit parents because we can't even control your hair."_

_He bit his tongue to keep from laughing. "They're not going to think that."_

_"But they might."_

_He sighed, sneaking a glance at Blaine, who he could tell was also trying to suppress a laugh. "They won't but if it means that much to you, ok."_

_She looked at him hopefully. "Ok you'll gel your hair?"_

_He sighed. "If I have to."_

_She pinched his nose shut with her fingers. "There's that nose flare again. Once we have your hair under control we'll have to see what we can do about that."_

_"Rachel. Don't push your luck. I'm already giving you hair gel." His voice was altered due to the fact that she was still pinching his nose. "Can I have my nose back?"_

_"Do you promise to let me gel your hair immediately?" she asked, maintaining a firm grip on his nose. Satisfied when he nodded, she released his nose, placing a kiss on it. "Let's get to work!"_

The result was that he was now standing in a crowded elevator sporting a horrific new hairstyle. True to his word, he'd let Rachel gel his hair, figuring she'd just run her fingers through it and style it. Rachel evidently had other ideas, since she'd proceeded to squirt a lot of gel into his hair, shellacking it into place like Blaine's. While Blaine chose to part his hair on the left and gel from north to south with some flexibility, Rachel had decided Finn needed to gel his hair from east to west, giving him, for lack of a better word, a _combover._ She'd become irate when his hair insisted on poufing in the front even with the gel, and she'd run through an entire bottle trying to flatten that chunk.

"Dude, you look like my Great Uncle Milton!" Mike cried, still laughing. "Has Kurt seen it yet? Or better yet, Puck?"

"No and they're not going to," Finn insisted as they stepped off at the 23rd floor. "I got lucky. Kurt was working this weekend and Puck took Quinn out to the Hamptons."

He marched to his office, ignoring the stares and random bursts of laughter he was getting. Determined to hide in his office until 5:00, he switched on his computer, ready to fire off some emails.

Fortunately, he had a fairly light day, which meant he actually managed to spend the first 3 hours of his day in his office, with only the obligatory mocking visits from Sam, Artie and Mike. Rachel had called four times demanding to know how everyone liked his hair and to inform him that she'd ordered a 3 month supply of hair gel from Blaine's contact, which meant he was completely screwed. Luck seemed to be on his side though, since Quinn hadn't stopped by his office, which meant that Puck was still unaware of his new hairstyle.

All in all, it could be worse.

"Finn, there's someone here to see you," his secretary announced. "She doesn't have an appointment. She-"

"Sue Sylvester needs no appointment." Sue pushed her way past his secretary, her assistant Becky in tow. "I came to see- well what do we have here?"

He gulped. It just got _so _much worse. "What do you want Sue?"

Sue glanced at him for a second before turning to Becky. "Becky, check the address we have listed for Schuester's. I think we're in Trump Towers by mistake."

"What do you want, Sue?" he repeated, trying very hard to think good thoughts about Rachel right now.

"Is it a requirement that you have to have a stupid hairstyle to work here?" Sue asked, unable to tear her eyes from his hair.

"Finn, I…oh. Hello, Sue," Will commented as he stuck his head into Finn's office. "To what do we owe this pleasure?"

"I just came by with a question about the Asian, Schuester. I didn't realize The Donald now worked for you."

Finn groaned; his head in his hands. "Why are you here?"

"You better not be planning on sporting that ridiculous hairstyle when we play you next week. It's bad enough we have to look at William," Sue declared. "That's why I've been campaigning so hard for that no uggos rule."

Will ignored her, turning to Finn. "I see you're coming to Philly."

"Huh? I'm not. Rachel's due date is then," Finn replied, confused.

"You're multiplying? Clearly my petition to New York State went unanswered," Sue commented.

"Why do you think I'm going?" Finn questioned, also ignoring Sue.

"Rachel called about an hour ago and said you were," Will explained.

Finn groaned as he glanced at his watch. "She's unbelievable. I'm not going no matter what she says. She thinks because she picked July 26th in some baby birthday pool that that's the day the baby will arrive."

"So you're not going?"

"The only place I'm going is to the doctor with Rachel right now," Finn announced as he stood up. "Whatever stupid rule you think Mike's broken Sue, Will can deal with." He strode out of his office, leaving a sputtering Sue and an annoyed Will behind, already a few minutes late for Rachel's weekly appointment.

Fortunately, Rachel's doctor's office was only a few blocks from his office and he managed to make it there in record time. He slipped into the waiting room, expecting Rachel to already be in an examining room, but to his surprise, she was still seated, happily reading _What to Expect When You're Expecting._

He grabbed the seat next to her, his arm resting along the back of her chair as he leaned close to kiss her temple. "Hi, baby."

"You're late," she commented, her eyes fixed on the page she was reading.

"Yeah, well Will came into my office to talk to me about Philadelphia, since apparently I'm going," he replied, watching her face closely.

She kept her eyes trained on her book, concentrating on turning the page. "Well you are."

"No, I'm not."

_"Rachel Hudson?"_

Their argument temporarily halted, Finn helped Rachel stand up and walk over to the waiting nurse, who he noticed did a double take at his hair. He stood quietly by watching as the nurse led Rachel over to another area to get her vital statistics before leading them to a private examining room. Used to this routine by now, he helped Rachel change into her paper gown and sit on the examining table while he sat on the little stool next to her. They sat in silence, Rachel leaning back against the table while he spun nervously on his stool next to her head, the Philadelphia debate hanging in the air between them.

"Alright, how are we feeling?" Dr. Woo asked as he walked in, reading Rachel's vitals. He listened as Rachel described some changes she noticed, answering her questions while the nurse took a sonogram.

Finn squirmed, looking anywhere but at the doctor as Dr. Woo took his position between Rachel's legs. He studied the baby posters on the wall, torn as always between feeling grossed out and wanting to rip Dr. Woo's head off for touching Rachel places where only _he_ should be touching (or at least where he thought the doctor was touching Rachel. He still wasn't entirely clear on what exactly the doctor was doing down there).

Dr. Woo finished his exam and straightened back up. "Looks like it's going to be a while."

Rachel sat up on her elbows. "Really? My husband has a very important meeting in Philadelphia on the 21st. Do you think he'd be okay to go?"

Dr. Woo shrugged as he pulled off his gloves. "You really haven't effaced yet. If I had to guess, I'd say you were going to deliver around the 26th, so he'd be fine to go."

Rachel beamed in triumph. "I _knew_ it!"

Dr. Woo held up a warning hand. "Now that's not to say things won't change. I've seen women go from zero percent effaced to one hundred percent rapidly."

"So then I shouldn't go, I was right," Finn replied, smirking at Rachel's pout.

"Well based on the fact that she's hardly effaced and it's her first baby, I'd say you're ok to go, as long as it's for a day or two," Dr. Woo interjected, turning Rachel's pout back into a smile. He stood up, moving towards the door. "I'll leave you to get dressed and I'll see you in my office in a few minutes."

"So then it's settled. You're going," she announced as Dr. Woo closed the door behind him. "Vlad and I will be fine by ourselves."

"Whoa. If you're going to insist that I go to Philadelphia, I'm going to insist that someone stay with you." He held up his hand to stop the protest he could she was getting ready to sputter. "I don't care who it is, although I prefer it _not _be Puck, but _someone_ will be staying with you."

"Fine. I'll have Mercedes stay with me. Then when you come back on the 22nd, you can see how ridiculous you're being," she huffed. "Deal?"

"Deal." He ran a hand over his shellacked hair, wondering if she'd be willing to renegotiate his hair.

She noticed him playing with his hair and beamed as she began to get dressed. "Your hair really does look fantastic. I bet everyone at work just _loved _it."

He hesitated, watching as she pulled on her sun dress. "Yeah. They couldn't stop talking about it."

"I knew it! Help me down?" She clapped her hands excitedly before taking the hand he offered, easing herself off the examining table with his assistance. She slipped her hand into his. "Ready to hear all about what to expect in the delivery room on July 26th?"

Finn followed her down the hall to Dr. Woo's office, unable to shake the feeling that Rachel's insistence on his going to Philadelphia was going to be an even worse idea than the hairstyle she'd given him.

They managed to make it through the next several days with minimum arguments. For his part, Finn made sure his hair was gelled to her liking and tried not to flare his nostrils too much, although he was stumped on how to fix Rachel's latest complaint about him, which was that his teeth were freakishly small. He watched her carefully, looking for the signs of labor Dr. Woo had talked about, but Rachel remained as pregnant as ever and he grudgingly resigned himself to going to Philadelphia.

Mercedes had agreed to come over and Rachel-sit, making Finn feel slightly better about leaving. He'd left her an extensive secret list of things guaranteed to piss her off (most applied to him), things that _may_ piss her off (again, most applied to him) and things that so far _haven't_ pissed her off (none of which applied to him). Last time he'd checked, Mercedes hadn't done anything to piss her off and her teeth were an acceptable size so he figured she'd be ok with Rachel.

Rachel herself had been going insane cleaning the house in anticipation of Mercedes' sleeping over, making him vacuum the living room rug until it met with her approval while she'd frantically scrubbed the kitchen sink and washed all the baby clothes so she and Mercedes could hang them by size and season in the nursery closet.

He'd left very reluctantly, but Rachel seemed fine, chatting happily with Mercedes about the ballgame she was going to tomorrow with Mercedes, Sam and Noah. She'd given him a few goodbye kisses from herself and the baby and it took everything he had to walk out that door. Rachel had assured him she'd be fine, that she'd still be very pregnant when he came back because after all, the baby wasn't coming until the 26th.

She guaranteed it.

* * *

><p>She was still pregnant when she arrived in the suite at the baseball game with Mercedes and Sam the next day, something she was sure to rub into Finn's face when he called.<p>

"About fucking time you got here, Berry."

Glaring at Noah, Rachel settled into her seat carefully. "I'm pregnant, you ass."

Puck arched an eyebrow as he drank his beer. "And whose fault is that?"

"Shut it, Puckerman," she hissed.

He leaned back in his chair, his eyes shifting towards Sam. "Hey Evans, you looking for a naughty Flight Attendant? Hudson can give you the number of a good one."

"Noah!" she screeched. "How do you even know about that?"

"You think my boy's not gonna tell me the reason why he's so late for a Halloween party?" He smirked. "I heard all about how you chickened out on joining the Mile High Club on your Honeymoon and made it up to him with that Flight Attendant's costume. He's especially proud that he ripped your underwear in half while accidentally knocking you up."

"_Noah_!" She placed her hands on her stomach. "Baby Us is an act of _love._"

"Really? Because that's not what I heard." He smirked again, taking another sip of beer as he watched Rachel flush.

Rachel gave a very unRachel like answer in the form of her middle finger, not about to admit that they weren't _trying_ to have a baby last October, but they weren't _not_ trying either.

"Geez," Puck commented. "In a bad mood, much?"

"Don't provoke her, man," Sam muttered. "She practically ripped my head off when I told her she had to stop vacuuming because we had to come here."

Puck shrugged. "She usually wants to rip my head off anyway, so I don't feel the need to watch what I say."

"Whatever, man. It's your funeral," Sam replied as he turned to Mercedes. "What do you want to eat, ladies?"

"I'll take a hamburger," Mercedes replied, turning to Rachel, who was watching Noah eat his sandwich with interest. "What about you Rachel? Is your stomach feeling better?"

"What are you eating, Noah?" Rachel asked, eyeing his sandwich and frowning when he muttered something incoherent through a mouthful of sandwich. "What is it?"

"Something you won't eat," he replied. "Sausage and Peppers."

"I want it," she replied immediately. "That's what Finn always eats, right?"

"No, he gets the mild sausage. Can't handle the heat like I can," Noah replied with a smirk before taking a large bite.

"I want it," she repeated, practically drooling. "I want the one you have."

"_You_ want to eat sausage?" Mercedes asked skeptically.

"Yes," she replied firmly. "Go get me one, Noah."

"No fucking way," he replied around a mouthful of sausage. "Go call the waitress for it."

"No. It'll take too long and besides, it won't taste the same. Go get it," she demanded, her hands resting on her stomach. "And hurry."

"Fuck no. I'm not getting you a sandwich when the waitress can do it," Puck cried.

"Fine. I'll just call Finn and tell him my wardens are denying me food," Rachel snapped. "I _want_ my sandwich and I want it _now_."

"Grow up, Berry. Just call the waitress. The game's already started," he commented, turning his attention back to the game.

"Rachel, maybe you should eat something a little healthier," Mercedes ventured, exchanging glances with Sam. "Finn told us about the heartburn you've been getting."

Rachel narrowed her eyes as she pulled out her cell phone, quickly dialing Finn's number. The phone rang twice before he answered, sounding a little frantic.

_"Rach? Is it the baby? Is it time? I knew-"_

"Noah, Sam and Mercedes are being mean to me!" she wailed dramatically; too busy focusing on herself to hear the sigh come through the phone.

_"How are they being mean to you, baby?"_

"I _want_ a Sausage and Pepper hero and Noah won't get it for me," she sniffed. "And Mercedes said I can't have it because of heartburn. Sam didn't say anything, but I'm _sure_ he agrees with them. I want it, Finn. I _want_ it."

_"Fine. Put Puck on the phone."_

"My husband would like to have a word with you, Noah," Rachel announced triumphantly as she handed him the phone. "I'm sure it's about your rudeness."

Puck glared at her as he accepted the phone. "Your wife's a pain in the ass, Huds."

_"Dude, just let her have what she wants! She's insane right now so trust me, it'll be easier."_

"What do you mean right now?" Puck asked skeptically, trying not to laugh at the self satisfied smirk Rachel was sporting as she watched him. "She's always like that."

_"Would you just shut up and get her her damn sandwich? She pulled me out of a meeting for this shit. If you don't want her to be a pain in the ass, get her whatever she wants."_

"Fine." He rolled his eyes. "Any other advice?"

_"Don't piss her off."_

"I can't help it if she makes it so easy."

_"I'm serious. Look, I have to go back in but call me immediately if she goes into labor. Ok? Bye."_

A look of triumph firmly in place, Rachel accepted the phone back from Puck. "I told you, Noah! Now go get my sandwich while I talk to Finn."

"Fuck no. Evans will go," Puck announced with a belch. "And you can't talk to Finn because he hung up."

"Noah! Sam _cannot_ go because I need him to get me some wings," Rachel chided. "It'll save time if you split up." She put the phone back up to her ear as Puck stood up. "Hello? Finn?"

"I told you, he hung up. He was in a meeting," Puck explained, putting a hand over her phone to stop her from redialing.

"Oh." Satisfied, she sat back, staring at Sam and Puck. "Gentlemen, my food."

"Rachel, are you _sure_ about this?" Mercedes implored. "Didn't you have diarrhea last night?"

"Whoa! You had the splats last night?" Puck cried. "You better not bomb the bathroom here, Berry."

"I'm fine, Mercedes," Rachel replied, glaring at Puck. "And for your information, Noah, constipation and diarrhea are some of the side effects of pregnancy. It's just-"

"Whatever, Berry." He held up his hands. "I don't need to hear the details. If I get you your stupid sandwich, will you shut up?"

"Probably not, but I'll be quiet while I eat." She smiled, rubbing her belly as she watched him and Sam leave. Her smile turned to an expression of discomfort as she moved her hand to rub her back. "_Ooo."_

"What? What is it?" Mercedes asked immediately.

"Nothing. My back has been hurting. I think it's that mattress," Rachel mused. "I _told_ Finn we need a new mattress but he likes it."

"Oh," Mercedes exhaled, relieved it wasn't something else.

"Where is Noah? I'm hungry," she whined.

"Here. Have some crackers." Mercedes rummaged through her bag, holding out a baggie.

Rachel grabbed the crackers, munching away as she watched the game. Relieved, Mercedes focused on the game, hoping Rachel was satisfied until the boys came back.

The boys soon returned, loaded down with food. Rachel accepted hers eagerly, quickly polishing off her sandwich before moving onto the wings. Puck watched in amazement as she ate wing after wing. "You substituting food for sex, Berry?"

"For your information, Finn and I had sex yesterday before he left," Rachel retorted, not bothering to add that it definitely wasn't her finest performance. She'd felt huge and gross, but her need to feel Finn all over her overrode those feelings and he hadn't seemed to mind her lack of enthusiasm. "Now can you watch the game and not me?"

"You think I _want_ to watch your pregnant ass?" Puck demanded.

"Shove it, Puckerman."

They managed to watch several innings in peace before Rachel's stomach struck again as she came back from one of her frequent bathroom trips.

"Can you go get me a shake, Noah?" she asked as she settled back in her seat.

"Now?"

"Yes."

"Fine," he grumbled, bolting out of the suite before she could think of more things for him to get.

Rachel beamed. "I've been looking forward to a shake. I-" She paused, glancing down at her body curiously.

"Rachel, are you ok?" Mercedes asked.

"I...I think I just peed," she replied slowly, her face mortified.

"Rachel...I don't think you peed. I think that's your water breaking," Mercedes decided, peering closer.

"It can't be," Rachel said firmly. "The doctor _said_ I wouldn't go until the 26th."

"I think Mercedes is right." Sam looked from Mercedes to Rachel. "The same thing happened to my sister. It was a gush like this. Let's get you in the bathroom." Carefully, he helped Rachel get up and walk to the bathroom, Mercedes going in there with her while Sam went to call for a wheelchair.

"Here's her fucking shake," Puck announced, walking back out onto the balcony. He paused when he saw only Sam on the balcony. "Where is the pain in the ass?"

"She's in the bathroom. Her-" Sam began as he watched Puck move to sit. "That's Rachel's seat! Don't sit there!"

"The fuck's your problem? You think I care if this is Rachel's seat?" Puck demanded as he sat down only to immediately jump back up. "Whoa. This chairs wet! Did she spill her soda?"

"That's what I'm trying to tell you. It's her water," Sam replied.

Pick shrugged as he sat back down. "Oh it's just water? Whatever."

"Sam? Did you get the wheelchair?" Mercedes asked, poking her head out onto the balcony. "I think we should- Puckerman! What's wrong with you? Why are you sitting in that?"

"It's just water Mer. No big deal although I'll make it a big deal when Berry comes back out," Puck decided. "That should piss her off."

"That's not water you drink, you ass," Mercedes snapped.

"So it _is _soda?"

"That's what I was trying to tell you, dude," Sam explained. "Rachel's water broke."

"So?"

"So you're sitting in her amniotic fluid," Mercedes snapped. "Get up. I need you to-"

"Whoa!" Puck jumped up, trying to see the back of his pants. "I sat in Berry juice?"

"Grow up Puck," Mercedes demanded. "I need one of you to go buy Rachel a pair of shorts from the team store."

"I'll go. Puck looks like he pissed in his pants," Sam decided, ignoring the finger Puck was giving him as he hurried off

"Go! She needs pants and quickly," Mercedes called after him. She eyed Puck's soaked pants. "And a pair for Puckerman while you're at it!"

"I'm on it!" he yelled back before he disappeared out the door.

"Listen here Puckerman," Mercedes bossed. "I need you to stop being your usual immature self and help me out. I need you to call Finn and tell him Rachel's going into labor even though she insists she's not. And we have to start timing her contractions."

"I guess we're not watching the game?" He shrunk back at the look Mercedes was giving him, immediately pulling out his phone. He waited until she went inside the bathroom with Rachel before dialing Finn's number.

"_Hello?"_

"Dude, you gotta come home. Berry's in labor."

_"Seriously? I knew it! I knew she'd go into labor when I wasn't there. Are you sure it's labor?_"

"Her fucking water broke all over the chair and I sat in it! You owe me a pair of pants!"

_"I don't give a crap about your pants! Where's Rachel?_"

"In the bathroom with Mercedes waiting for Evans to buy her shorts."

_"Put her on."_

"Hold on." He knocked on the closed bathroom door not bothering to wait for a response before he barged in. Rachel was leaning against the sink, her hands on the counter as Mercedes rubbed her back. "Hudson's on the phone. He wants to speak to you."

Rachel's head shot up. "Why did you call him Noah? I'm _not_ in labor."

"So tell him that."

Rachel glared at him as she took the phone from him. "Hello?"

_"Is it true? Are you in labor?"_

"I don't know what Noah told you but I'm _not_ in labor," Rachel insisted. "I'm _not_. I simply can't be. It's not July 26th."

_"Yes, you are. Your water broke."_

"We're still trying to determine that. I think I just peed."

_"Baby, now is not the time to be stubborn. I'm coming home and Puck, Sam and Mercedes will take you to the hospital, ok?"_

"Finn, you don't need to leave, I'm…_oooo_," she breathed as another contraction hit. She waited until it subsided before she spoke again. "Like I was saying. You need to be at your meeting. I'm not in labor."

_"I'm coming home. I'll see you at the hospital in a few hours."_

"Finn! I'm not going to the hospital! I'm not in labor!" she cried into the phone. "It's not July 26th and you're not even here!"

Mercedes plucked the phone from Rachel's hand. "Don't worry, Finn. We're on it."

"Here Rachel. I got you some shorts," Sam offered, stepping into the bathroom clutching two pairs of orange and blue striped shorts while Mercedes continued to talk to Finn. He handed one pair to Puck, who shrugged and put them on, while his other hand held out a pair to Rachel.

"Are you insane? There's no way I'm wearing that!" Rachel cried, horrified at the thought. "They're hideous. They're fine for Noah, but I will not be seen in those."

"Yes you are," Mercedes said firmly. "It's either that or you go to the hospital naked from the waist down."

Rachel looked like she was seriously considering this causing Mercedes to grab the shorts from Sam and bend down, shoving Rachel's legs into the shorts. With a little help from Puck and Sam she managed to get the shorts onto a protesting Rachel.

"You're going to be sorry you forced these shorts onto me when the hospital sends me home for not being in labor," Rachel said crossly. "I'm already planning my _I told you so_ speech."

"We'll hear it later," Mercedes promised as she led Rachel over to the waiting wheelchair. "For now let's just get you to the hospital so you can give your speech."

"I'm looking forward to it," Rachel announced as she sat in the wheelchair. Sam began pushing her towards the exit as Mercedes and Puck walked on either side. "I can't wait to see..._oooo_." One hand was placed on her belly as the other grabbed Puck's hand.

Slowly they made their way out of the stadium and to the waiting limo. Despite the fact that her contractions, though still far apart, were coming regularly, Rachel still refused to admit that she was in labor. Instead, she grew increasingly agitated between the contractions and people assuming that Puck was the baby daddy, announcing each time that her husband was in Philadelphia. Finn himself called frequently, somehow managing to simultaneously calm and piss off Rachel at the same time.

It only got worse when they arrived at the hospital. The nurse on duty took one look at Puck and Rachel in their matching shorts, her hand still firmly in his and handed Puck a clipboard with the instructions to fill the forms out for his _wife_.

"Berry wishes she was tall enough to ride the Puckerman Express," Puck replied as he smirked.

"He's _not_ my husband!" Rachel screeched, pointing at Puck. "I would _never_ fornicate with him! My husband is currently on his way back from Philadelphia. He's at a meeting with _his_ wife! He-" She paused as another contraction hit her, holding both hands to her stomach. "And furthermore," she continued once she was able to, "I preregistered online. Filling out those papers would only be redundant and a colossal waste of my time, since I'm not really in labor and expect to get sent home shortly."

The nurse nodded mutely, heading back to her station to look up Rachel's information.

"Way to go, Berry. That nurse thinks Quinn and Finn are off banging in Philly," Puck commented, leaning on the wheelchair.

"Noah!" Rachel cried, holding both her hands over where she thought the baby's ears would be. "How could you say that? I don't want the baby to think Finn is an A-D-U-L-T-E-R-E-R."

"The fuck you spelling for?" Puck asked. "You're not giving birth to a 4th grader you know."

"Ok, Mrs. Hudson, let's get you into a room and see how far along you are," the nurse announced as she took the handles of the wheelchair from Puck. "Your friends can wait right here."

"We'll call Finn!" Mercedes promised.

"You're really wasting your time, Nurse Nancy," Rachel replied, peering at her nametag as the nurse wheeled her away. "They all think my water broke, which is why they forced me to wear these awful shorts, but I'm telling you I just peed at the baseball game. _Most_ embarrassing, I can assure you but then I would think as a nurse you've heard worse. My husband's going to be so mad that he came back from his meeting for a false alarm."

Rachel was wheeled back fairly quickly, a frown on her face. Nurse Nancy parked her next to Sam, confirming what everybody already knew. "Well it appears that Rachel is most definitely in labor, so we're going to admit her, we're just waiting for a room."

"I refuse to be in labor," Rachel insisted stubbornly. "I simply refuse to be. Finn's not here and it's the wrong day. I'll just keep my legs crossed. It'll be fine, you'll see."

"You can refuse to be but you are," the nurse announced. "Wrong day or not, that baby is coming."

"He can't!" Rachel wailed. "It's only July 21st! If I have a long labor, there's the possibility that Finn could win the baby pool! I can't let that happen! I _gave _him that date."

"God you're stubborn," Puck commented. "No wonder why Finn went to Philly. I would too if it meant I didn't have to hear you talk all the time."

Puck was saved from getting beaten by a pregnant woman by the nurse announcing that she had a room available. Rachel grabbed Mercedes' hand as another contraction hit. "Come with me, Mer," she decided as the contraction subsided.

"We'll go get some food," Sam added. He and Puck watched Rachel get wheeled away, clinging tightly to Mercedes' hand.

Puck glanced at Sam. "Finn better get here and _fast._"

* * *

><p>Finn tapped his cell phone against his hand anxiously, watching as the train <em>finally<em> pulled into Penn Station. The hour and a half train ride had given him plenty of time to make calls to his mom and Kurt and gel his hair the way Rachel liked (he'd conveniently forgotten to gel his hair this morning before his meeting but no way in hell was he showing up in Rachel's delivery room without his hair gelled). Kurt was already at the hospital, having swung by their apartment for Rachel's hospital bag while Blaine walked Vlad before coming to the hospital. His mom had already texted to let him know that she too was at the hospital and that Rachel was doing good, but he refused to believe it until he saw her for himself.

He was already situated by the door; all he needed to do now was bolt out of the station and hail a cab that would get him to the hospital as fast as possible. He'd been in constant contact with Rachel (or Mercedes if Rachel was unavailable or having a contraction) but it wasn't the same. He _needed_ to be there and he needed to be there like yesterday.

Mercifully the train pulled to a stop and he flew out before the doors were even all the way opened, pushing people out of the way as he ran towards the station exit. He eyed the long taxi line outside the station, heading over to the porter in charge. "My wife's in labor. I need a cab _now."_

"Right. Like I haven't heard that before. Get in line, buddy," the porter commented, pointing to the end of the line.

"No! She really-you know what, never mind." Not wanting to waste time arguing and definitely not about to get in line, he bolted down the street. He spied an oncoming taxi and darted into the street, narrowly avoiding a bike messenger, who swerved but somehow managed to flip him off. "Taxi!"

He was in the taxi before it even came to a full stop, directing the cabbie to get to the hospital as fast as he could go. Fortunately, traffic cooperated for once and he was in front of the hospital before he knew it, throwing a wad of money at the cabbie before he raced up to the 6th floor. He pulled out his cell phone, dialing the number Mercedes had given him to Rachel's room.

"Finn? Is that you?" Rachel demanded as a greeting.

"I'm here, baby. I'm here!" he panted as he stepped off the elevator and ran to the doors of the maternity wing, frowning when he realized they were locked. Furious that he was so close to Rachel but couldn't get to her, he pounded on the doors. "Baby! I can't get in!"

"_Finn._" Rachel's voice held a note of consternation. "Don't you remember from the tour we took? You need to be buzzed in. It's so nobody can steal Baby Us, remember? I…._oooo_."

"Breathe through it baby," he coached through the phone, pressing the intercom button next to the door. "Remember the breathing exercises?"

"You can take your breathing exercises and shove it," Rachel snapped, still in the midst of her contraction.

He stared at the phone, surprised by the dial tone now coming through.

_"Name?"_ a voice cackled through the intercom next to him.

"Rachel!" he blurted out, unable to think straight. "My wife Finn Hudson is giving birth." He stared at the intercom mortified, but the nurses must've realized what he meant and buzzed him in. He raced in, turning in circles since he was unsure of where to go.

"Finn!"

He spun around again at the voice, thrilled to see his mom, Kurt, Blaine, Mercedes and Burt in the waiting area. His mother threw herself at him, letting her arms wrap around his waist as he held her tight. "Where's Rachel? Have you seen her? How is she?" he demanded, looking around the group.

Kurt spit out the coffee he was drinking. "What the hell did you do to your hair?"

"Never mind that. Where is she?" he repeated. "Is she alone?"

"You look like PeeWee Herman," Kurt cried. "How many times do I need to tell you to go see my stylist André?"

"Shut it Kurt," Finn snapped. "Where's Rachel? Did you guys leave her alone?"

"She's not alone, don't worry," Kurt assured him as he pulled out his phone. "I'm going to see if André can fit you in."

"Room 6847 baby," Carole replied, turning him in the right direction.

Without another word, he took off down the hall, furious that they'd left Rachel alone. Ignoring the screams of women currently giving birth, he skidded past her door, backing up to race through it. "Baby, baby I'm here!"

"Finn!"

Relief flowed through him at the sight of Rachel in the hospital bed, hooked up to various machines and fetal monitors. He rushed over to the bed, cupping her face to kiss it all over. "I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry."

"You're not going to leave me again are you?" she asked, placing her hands on either side of his.

"I'm not leaving this room," he replied, leaning his forehead against hers for a moment before he placed a kiss on her lips.

"Ahem."

Startled, Finn tore his lips from her, noticing for the first time that they weren't alone. LeRoy was sitting in a chair on the other side of the bed, a stern expression on his face and his arms crossed, while Hiram was over by the counter, pouring Champagne.

"Hiram, LeRoy, I didn't know you were here!" Finn replied, noticing for the first time that Rachel's room was inundated with flowers and balloons, something he was sure Hiram had done.

"Well someone had to be, since you left my Little Star all alone," LeRoy replied crisply, giving Rachel his hand as a contraction hit. "For two days, right Princess?"

Rachel nodded, her lips pursed tightly as she rode the contraction out.

"I left yesterday at her insistence!" Finn replied; grabbing Rachel's other hand. "Breathe baby."

Rachel glared at him, a look that didn't go unnoticed by LeRoy. He rubbed her hand soothingly. "I fail to see how you could knock up my daughter and then leave."

"I didn't….never mind. I'm here now. You bring all these flowers and balloons, Hiram?" Finn asked, changing the subject as he gently pushed a helium duck floating next to him.

"All in gender neutral colors! Isn't it great?" Hiram replied enthusiastically as he switched on the TV. "Naturally, once the baby is born, we'll change to gender specific colors and decorations. Of course, we also had to bring our little Rachela's favorite flowers which is why there's so many purple roses."

Finn shifted uncomfortably, noticing LeRoy staring pointedly at his empty hands. "It looks great, Hiram."

"Doesn't it?" Hiram trilled as he flipped the channels. "I always find hospital rooms so dreary but this baby's going to think he's born in a garden. Oh! Princess, there's an Ava Gardner marathon on!"

Rachel smiled; her contraction over. She turned her head towards Finn. "Ava Gardner is Daddy's favorite. When I was young, we'd have Ava Gardner nights where we'd watch her movies."

"Oh. Sounds like fun," Finn replied with slightly less enthusiasm than the rest of the occupants of the room were showing.

"What do you think of Finn's new hair, Daddy? Doesn't he look fantastic?" Rachel asked happily. "I modeled it after Fred Astaire."

"He looks wonderful Princess," Hiram agreed. Finn glanced at him suspiciously, having already noted that LeRoy seemed to be biting his lip, probably to keep from laughing.

"Knock knock," Dr. Woo announced as he walked in. "It's time to check our patient, so if I could just have everyone wait in the hall, that'd be great."

Finn stayed put, having no intention of leaving, but to his annoyance, LeRoy also remained seated. Fortunately, Hiram yanked him out of his chair, with a firm _let's go bring Carole her champagne_ as he dragged him towards the door.

"Are we still having a drug free birth?" Dr. Woo asked as he checked Rachel.

Finn glanced at Rachel who nodded. "I have a _very _high tolerance for pain, Dr. Woo, so I don't expect to be needing them."

"She really does," Finn added, stroking her hair lightly.

Dr. Woo nodded. "I've heard that before. You've barely dilated, so you certainly have a while to decide. Better get your rest now, while you can, Rachel. You're in for a long night."

Finn watched him go, his hand still stroking Rachel's hair. Her eyes had closed for a moment and he stroked a little firmer, hoping she was being lulled to sleep.

Her eyes snapped open. "Can you stop doing that? It's annoying."

"What? Stroking your hair?" Finn asked, surprised. "You love it when I do that."

"No," she replied irritably. "You're breathing too loud."

"Oh." He closed his mouth, unsure of what to do about his breathing pattern as he glanced at the machine. "Here comes another contraction, baby."

Rachel gripped his hand, pursing her lips as she rode out the contraction. "Finn! Seriously! Stop breathing!"

He sighed. Dr. Woo was right.

This was going to be a _long _night.

* * *

><p>Nine hours and four Ava Gardner movies later, Rachel was still laboring. Her contractions had grown much stronger and were coming closer together, which meant the she grew more irritable. The result of which was that Finn got kicked out of her labor room four times, replaced by Kurt, Carole, LeRoy and Hiram respectively. Each time, he'd sit out in the waiting room with Burt and Blaine, upset that she'd kicked him out only to be told by Burt that it was to be expected, that Kurt's mother had <em>bitten <em>him at one point. He'd kept an eye on Rachel's mouth once he was allowed back in after hearing that, not putting it past her to bite him for breathing wrong.

"Here comes another one, baby. You ready?" Finn asked; his eyes on the monitor as he felt Rachel take his hand.

"I don't have much choice, do I?" she snapped. She screamed through the contraction, gripping his hand until he started to lose feeling in it. He bit his lip as her nails dug into his skin. Exhausted, she settled back against her pillows as Finn shook his hand trying to regain feeling _and_ lessen the sting of her nails. "What are you doing?"

"You have no idea how much you're hurting my hand each time," he replied, still shaking it. "Your nails are gonna break my skin."

The glare she gave him made him shrink back. "Oh I'm sorry. Here I am getting ready to push a bowling ball out my ass, but let's get a medical team in here to look at some surface scratches on your hand."

"Baby, I just meant-"

"You know what? Why don't you get out? Send Kurt back in."

"He's not here," Finn replied as he held out his hand again in preparation for another contraction. "Everyone went home since Dr. Woo said it's going to be a while."

That part wasn't actually true since everyone was still in the waiting room, but he wasn't about to get kicked out for a fifth time. Last time he'd gotten kicked out, he'd been forced to look at the two suitcases Kurt had brought, one full of boy clothes, the other girl's, all the while getting chastised for making _Kurt's_ life harder since the unknown sex of the baby was wreaking havoc with both his fashion and decorating schemes. Needless to say, he wasn't about to go back out there.

She ignored his hand, gripping the bed rail instead. "Great. So I'm stuck with you?"

"Afraid so," he replied calmly. "Why don't you just focus on your focal point through this next contraction?" He pulled a framed wedding picture out of the bag at his feet, holding it up enticingly.

"Get that out of my face," she growled. "I hate that picture."

His jaw dropped. "You hate it? It's a picture of our first dance!"

"Of course I hate it." She clenched the bed rail harder as the contraction began to hit. "You're in it."

Burt's advice to not take anything she says personal ringing in his head, he put the picture back in the bag as she began screaming again. He figured she couldn't hate him too much since her hand grabbed his free hand as the contraction reached its peak, gripping it as hard as she could. He winced as her nails once again dug in, but wisely said nothing.

"Finn, I've changed my mind. I want the drugs. Give me the drugs," she pleaded as the contraction finished. "I'm done. Baby Us can just live inside of me. I'll teach him everything he needs to know."

"Are you sure? You said it would be much better for the baby, that you wanted to really experience childbirth," he said doubtfully, not wanting her sudden switch to come back and kick him in the ass later.

She grabbed him by his shirt. "I swear, if you don't get me an epidural, I will personally castrate you."

Finn gulped. "I'll see what I can do. I hate seeing you like this, baby. I wish I could have the baby for you."

"You can barely handle a paper cut," Rachel snapped.

"How are we doing in here?" Dr. Woo asked as he came in.

"My wife would like the epidural," Finn replied, his gaze fixed on Rachel as Dr. Woo lifted the covers to examine her.

"No can do," he answered cheerfully. "I'm afraid you've reached the point of no return."

"What?" Rachel cried. "That's impossible! I was only at 5cm before!"

"And now you're at 10," Dr. Woo replied calmly pressing the nurse button. "You're about ready to push, so no epidural for you."

"How about I squeeze?" Rachel demanded. "That should close a few centimeters and then I can get the epidural." Her face scrunched as she squeezed. "Is that good?"

"Or you can get ready to push," Dr. Woo decided as several nurses came into the room.

"No! I will not be pushing! Unhand me!" she cried as a nurse grabbed her right leg, bending it and hooking her arm under Rachel's knee. "I'm not pushing until I get…" She trailed off as a contraction hit her, grabbing Finn's hand and letting loose another scream.

"Ok, Rachel, next contraction, you're going to push. Hold your breath while the nurse counts to 10 and push as if you're going to the bathroom," Dr. Woo instructed, getting into position. "We'll do it three times a contraction, ok?"

Rachel nodded, unable to talk. Finn pressed a kiss to her head before he grabbed her left leg, holding it in the same position the nurse was holding her other leg. He ignored the death grip she had his hand in, trying to focus on Rachel.

"Get ready, Rachel," Dr. Woo directed, signaling the nurse to start counting. Rachel took a deep breath and pressed her chin onto her chest, pushing as hard as she possibly could before exhaling and screaming as she fell back against the pillows.

"You're doing great, baby," Finn assured her, wondering if he had broken fingers.

"I'm done, right? Is it a boy?" she asked.

"You've still got a few more pushes, Rachel," Dr. Woo replied as he glanced up at the monitors. "Let's get ready to push again."

"Oh what do you know? You told me I'd be delivering on the 26th," Rachel snapped. Another contraction hit her and she began pushing again while the nurse counted.

"Come on, Rach, push. Push like you're taking a huge crap," Finn coached as she fell back onto the pillow. He peered over her legs, trying to see what was going on and was immediately sorry he did.

"That was great, Rachel. The baby's starting to crown," Dr. Woo informed her. "A few more pushes and this baby is out."

"You're doing so great, baby. So great," Finn added. "We're almost there."

Rachel glared at him. "We? What are _you_ doing?"

"Ok, Rachel. Let's try and get the baby's head out this time," Dr. Woo interrupted. "Ready? Push!"

"Come on, Rach." Finn tried to help by holding her leg, his mouth dropping open when he saw the baby's head emerge. "Holy shit."

"What? What is it?" she asked as she finished pushing.

"Our baby has a head!" he exclaimed excitedly as he watched the doctor do something to the baby's nose and mouth. "And like two eyes and everything! And...my hair, definitely my hair."

"Time to push the shoulders out, Rachel," Dr. Woo announced as he supported the head.

Rachel bore down and after a few more pushes, a loud cry was heard. She fell back against the bed, exhausted as tears fell from her face. Finn, who'd been staring dumbly as the baby emerged, leaned down and kissed Rachel's temple, tears falling from his own eyes.

"It's a girl!" Dr. Woo announced, holding her up for Rachel to see. He placed the baby on Rachel's chest, letting her see the fruits of her labor for a moment.

"I knew it! I _knew_ you'd be a gorgeous little girl," Rachel murmured between tears as she counted fingers and toes. "Look at her hair!"

Finn wisely refrained from pointing out that Rachel had been adamant that it was a boy, choosing instead to run a finger gently along the thick layer of hair on the baby's head. "Told you she had my hair."

"Alright Rachel, you still have some work to do," the nurse announced, holding out her hands for the baby. "We need to have Daddy cut the cord."

Proudly, Finn cut where they indicated, while the doctor worked on Rachel and the afterbirth. He watched anxiously as they bundled the baby up after taking the vital statistics, torn between staying with his daughter (how weird was that?) and his wife. Rachel solved the problem for him as she refused to let go of his hand, keeping him by her side as she delivered the afterbirth and was stitched up.

Finn leaned close to her ear. "You were amazing, baby. I'm so proud of you."

She looked up at him, exhausted. "I couldn't have done this without you." She reached up to cup his face, pulling his lips to hers.

"Ok, here's your little girl, all six pounds three ounces of her," Dr. Woo interrupted, handing the baby to Finn. "18 inches long, born at 12:01 AM on July 22nd."

Rachel gasped through her tears as Finn smirked. "I can't believe it. Is there another clock you can check?"

"No, we have the official clock that we use. It's definitely 12:01AM," Dr. Woo replied.

Finn cuddled the baby to his chest. "This is a true Daddy's girl; she knew what day to come and timed it exactly right."

Rachel's eyes narrowed. "I _gave _you that day, Finn. She must have misunderstood our conversations about what day to come. Maybe my voice was muffled in there."

"Doubt it baby." He looked down at the bundle in his arms. "I think she got it perfect."

"Does she have a name?" Dr. Woo asked.

Rachel hesitated. "Well we haven't really discussed girl's names."

Finn glanced up at the TV, where yet another Ava Gardner movie was playing, Rachel's memories of watching those movies with her father fresh in his head. "How about Ava?"

Rachel smiled, holding her arms out for the baby. "Ava Carole?" she cooed to the baby. "Do you like that?"

"She does!" Finn exclaimed as Ava yawned. "That totally was a yes. Our baby's a genius, Rach."

"You'd better go out there and call everyone," Rachel decided. "Tell Kurt Code Pink."

"Code Pink?"

Rachel nodded. "He'll know what it means."

He nodded, giving his girls gentle kisses before he walked to the door. "Got it."

"Finn?"

"Yeah, baby?" He paused at the door, one hand on the handle.

"Fix your hair before you come back here. You look like an ass."

* * *

><p>Code Pink evidently was Kurt and Rachel's decorating scheme in case the baby was a girl. While Carole spent her days at the hospital with Finn and Rachel, Burt and Blaine were put to work painting and decorating the nursery to Kurt's specifications.<p>

In addition to being nursery decorating supervisor, he'd made his presence known at the hospital, supervising Ava's wardrobe from the get go. While the other babies were in their incubators dressed in standard hospital issued hats, onesies and blankets, Ava was decked out in newborn hats with large flowers on them and the latest in newborn couture. Kurt could frequently be heard telling the nurses he needed to start early with Ava, given the bad fashion genes she was sure to inherit from both her parents. He'd called in her measurements to Bergdorf's immediately, saving her most fabulous custom outfit for her hospital departure.

Kurt had even thought to bring Minnie Mouse birthday hats for their new family picture. Unfortunately, the cone shaped lavender and white birthday princess hat he'd bought for Ava proved much too big, but it fit Finn and had the added bonus of covering his still gelled hair. He fussed as he realized that Rachel would be wearing a Minnie hat while Ava wore her crocheted hat with the big pink flower on it, which meant that none of them matched, but he'd relented when he saw Finn in the princess hat.

Rachel and Ava had a steady stream of visitors and almost before they knew it, it was time for Rachel and Ava to be discharged.

"Ready to go?" Finn asked, looking up from wrapping up Ava as Rachel emerged from the bathroom.

"Ready," she confirmed. "She looks so adorable in that flower headband Kurt got her. It matches her outfit perfectly."

"Mom, Blaine, Kurt and your dads are already at our apartment and Burt's waiting with his car downstairs," Finn announced as Rachel settled into the wheelchair, Ava in her arms. The orderly slowly pushed them out of the hospital, Finn laden down with both Ava's and Rachel's bags next to him.

"Well here we are, home sweet home," Finn announced fifteen minutes later as he opened the door to their apartment to let Rachel walk in carrying Ava.

"There she is!" Kurt cried, rushing over to Rachel. "Carole, wait till you see this _fabulous_ dress I had made for Ava."

"Hello to you too, Kurt. I'm fine by the way," Rachel said as she handed Ava to Kurt.

"It's just _too_ gorgeous," Kurt announced as he lay Ava on the couch and began to unwrap her blankets. "I had- _what is this?_"

He stared at Finn and Rachel accusingly. Instead of the amazing lace dress he'd had created for Ava to arrive home in, she was decked out in a pale pink onesie that spelled out "_new in town_" in blinged out rhinestone letters. Carole gasped and immediately started taking pictures.

"What?" Finn defended. "She is new in town and besides, she's wearing the headband from the dress."

"It doesn't even match! Where did you get this monstrosity?" Kurt demanded.

"Blaine gave it to us yesterday while you were doing the four o'clock wardrobe change," he retorted. "I think it's funny."

Kurt whirled around to face Blaine. "This came from _you_?"

"It's funny! I got it from a store near my office," he replied. "I didn't know they were going to have her come home in it!"

"I'll forgive you for this Blaine." Kurt deflated slightly. "But I'll clearly have to monitor your Ava related fashion purchases from now on. It's bad enough that Puckerman got her that pink onesie that reads _I was Daddy's fastest swimmer._"

Blaine rolled his eyes. "Don't you think that's a little ridiculous? She looks cute."

"Maybe." Kurt tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I think the worst is over. I highly doubt you could buy anything worse for Ava to wear, Blaine."

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: Happy Birthday to Ava :)**_


	22. Where's Waldo, Hudson style

_**Disclaimer: Glee is not mine.**_

* * *

><p><strong><em>Stu: Why don't we remember a God damn thing from last night?<br>Phil: Obviously because we had a great fucking time._**

**_ –The Hangover_**

* * *

><p>"Alright boys, it's time," Puck announced, looking around his designated man cave, an air of excitement about him as he paced. "Finn's in the can and thanks to the <em>Maxim<em> and _Playboy _I left in there, we probably have forty-five minutes minimum to get it done."

"Get what done?" Artie asked distractedly, concentrating on maintaining his lead against Mike, Blaine and Sam in the game of _MarioKart_ on the screen in front of them. Beside him, Kurt looked up from filing his nails.

"It's time to start planning of that most sacred of wedding rites." He paused his pacing, making sure he had the attention of the room before he spoke again. "The Bachelor Party."

The game was immediately forgotten as four pairs of eyes instantly focused on him. Satisfied that he had their complete attention, he crossed his arms. "Now, there's really only one question we need answered."

"I agree _completely_," Kurt cut in. "It's imperative that we decide on a theme, like Wild West or Casino Night so we can decorate accordingly. I was thinking Casino night and we could decorate the apartment like a Las Vegas Casino. Or if we did Wild West we could all dress like cow-"

Puck held up a hand. "Don't even think about finishing that sentence if it ends in us dressed up like cowboys. Only one person will be in costume that night and it sure as_ hell_ won't be me. Which brings me back to what I was saying before. We only have one thing to decide. Strippers?"

"Yes," Artie, Mike, Sam and Blaine chorused immediately.

"_Blaine_!" Kurt cried.

"What? I can like boobs and still be gay," Blaine added shrugging.

"So we agree? Strippers?" Puck questioned, getting back to the matter at hand.

"_No_. Rachel doesn't want strippers," Kurt said firmly. "I think we should have a casino night. Rachel and I discussed it at length."

"Really." Puck arched an eyebrow. "Let me ask you this. Does Berry have a Johnson?"

"Of course not."

"Then Berry doesn't get a say. No Johnson, no vote. And unless you're packing two in your designer pants, you can't vote twice."

Kurt threw up his hands in disgust. "Did you not hear what I said? Rachel was very adamant that there be_ no_ strippers."

"Well I'm very adamant that there _be_ strippers," Puck shot back. "What does she care anyway? Q told me that her party was penis-ed out."

"Her party was very tasteful," Kurt retorted. "All genitalia was paper or plastic."

"Alright, then answer this. At any point, did Finn come up to you and say he didn't want any guys flashing their junk at Berry?"

"Well no, but-"

"Then like I said; no Johnson, no vote."

"You can't simply ignore her wishes. She's the _bride._"

"Watch me. All in favor?" Puck raised his hand, along with Mike, Sam, Artie and Blaine. "Strippers it is. I think we should get one with huge knockers, show Finn what he's missing."

"He likes brunettes, get a brunette," Artie added excitedly. "Or maybe we should get a blonde, make it a change of pace for him."

"Get a cop or a nurse. Those costumes are usually the best," Sam said thoughtfully.

"Are we only getting one?" Mike questioned, looking around the room.

"Why don't we get him loaded at someone's apartment and have one stripper there, then bring him to a strip club and put him on a private stage? We did that with my brother," Blaine offered. "By the time he got up on stage he could barely stand."

"It's gonna take a lot of liquor to get Finn loaded," Artie pointed out. "We'll have to have him drinking for a while before the strippers come."

"No! I promised Rachel no strippers!" Kurt cried, slightly panicked at the idea that he'd lost control of the party planning. "Now as I was saying, Rachel and I thought it would be fun to do a Casino theme. We found the cutest casino chips that we could get personalized and we picked out the plates and tablecloths."

"Are you _insane_? The word cute is never to be used when describing a Bachelor Party!" Puck declared. "The only words that can be used are wild, fucking wild and out of control."

"We're doing the Casino Night _without _strippers. It's what Rachel wants," Kurt said firmly. "What did you have in mind for the actual party? Paintball?"

"Paintball?" Puck cried, scandalized at the thought. He looked at Mike, Artie, Sam and Blaine for a second. "Am I not speaking English or something?"

"What?" Kurt asked, looking around the room, frowning when he realized that everyone, including _Blaine_, had an expression of surprise similar to Puck's.

Puck sighed. "Gentlemen, despite the fact that Hummel is Best Man, obviously his allegiance is to Berry, which is why I'm forced to consult The Bachelor Party Rule Book. The book clearly states that under no circumstances is a Bachelor Party to commence without a naked female. So unless Berry is willing to strip for _all_ of us, we're hiring a stripper."

"There's no Bachelor Party Rule Book! You made that up," Kurt accused. "I really think this should be planned with Rachel's input."

"Tell you what. How about we hire an old lady stripper for Finn and a smoking hot one for us?" Puck asked, pleased at his compromise.

"No, there's to be _no_ strippers at all. It's what Rachel wants."

"I'm sorry, are you the Best Man or the Maid of Honor?" Puck asked sarcastically. "It's hard to tell the way your panties are all in a twist."

"You know I'm the Best Man," Kurt snapped.

"Then fucking act like it. This isn't a party for Berry. She had her sausage celebration and from what I heard it was quite a wild night. She can't have a wilder party than Finn."

"Who can't have a wilder party than me?"

All heads turned to see Finn in the doorway, grasping a fresh round of beers in his hands. He tossed the beers around to the boys with the exception of Kurt, who was still working on his full glass of wine before he settled back into his traditional seat on the recliner.

"Berry. She practically gets into a bar fight during her party and she wants you to sit around knitting for yours," Puck replied. "Not gonna happen."

"Oh! What do you have planned?" Finn asked, trying to contain his excitement. "What strip club are we hitting?"

"See?" Puck taunted. "My man Finn knows what it's about."

"I just don't think-"

"Why don't we ask Finn what he wants?" Puck asked, cutting Kurt off. "Do you want to have a lame ass _Casino Night_ or be the guest of honor at a party hosted by someone who's partied at the Playboy Mansion?"

Finn frowned, glancing between Kurt and Puck as the implications of Puck's question set in. He stood up, holding his hands up in the air. "Look, I don't know what's going on but I just want to party and have a good time. Leave me out of whatever argument is going on. Just tell me when to be there and I'll show, ok? I gotta go now anyway. Rachel and I are having dinner with our parents, so you guys can argue about it without me."

His directive issued, he gave a wave and walked out the door.

Kurt sighed as he watched the door close. "Rachel is going to have a conniption when she finds out."

"She won't if you keep your trap shut," Puck replied. "Now that we've planned the party, the only thing we need to decide is when. Saturday good?" He waited until he had affirmative nods from Mike, Sam, Artie and Blaine before speaking. "Awesome. Party planned. Let's play Mariokart."

"The party is not planned!" Kurt cried. "What about food? Décor? Alcohol?"

"Hummel's got a point," Puck conceded, busy choosing his car in the game. "Bring a bag of chips, Abrams."

"A bag of chips?" Kurt screeched. "A bag of _chips_?"

"Fine." Puck rolled his eyes. "Grab a bag of pretzels too, Abrams."

Kurt dropped his head into his hands. "I don't believe this."

"What's not to believe? How quick we planned it?"

"You've planned nothing other than who's bringing the chips!"

"Kurt's right," Sam commented. "We should probably book the stripper before the good ones are taken."

Puck pulled out his cell phone, quickly dialing a number and cradling the phone under his ear as he began his race.

"You have a stripper's number in your cell?" Kurt asked incredulously. "Do I want to know why?"

"Shhh!" Puck frowned at him as he listened to whoever had answered the phone. "Hey Frank, it's Puck...yeah, it's been a while. Listen, I need the private room at your club for a Bachelor Party Saturday night and the _special_ for a pre-show at my place...what? Oh, lemme ask." He looked round at the boys. "You think Hudson would want a cop or a catholic school girl?"

"Catholic school girl," Sam and Mike replied simultaneously.

Puck nodded, turning his attention back to the phone. "We'll take both. They have huge boobs? Cause the groom's definitely not getting that with his bride." He listened for a few minutes, inserting a comment here and there before finally hanging up. "There. Party planned. Be here Saturday night at seven, men, and don't forget the chips, Abrams."

Kurt groaned. "Rachel is going to kill me."

Puck waved him off. "Berry needs to relax. It's a Bachelor Party, Finn will be fine."

"But the strippers-"

"Make the party," Puck finished for him. "Berry needs to get over this. You in Hummel?"

Kurt sighed. "Fine. I'm in. But I get to do the food and decorations."

"Deal as long as the decorations don't include feathers," Puck stipulated. "Or anything casino related. Or cowboy. And definitely no sparkles."

Kurt hesitated. "Agreed. But why do I feel like I'm going to regret this?"

"Relax, Hummel. This party is going to be epic," Puck predicted. "What could possibly go wrong?"

* * *

><p>"So have you recovered from your Bachelorette Party, Rachel?" Tina asked with a smile as she examined the color Mercedes was currently painting on her nails. "Or should we put away the alcohol now?"<p>

Rachel laughed as she painted a hot pink color on Quinn's big toe. "I haven't drank that much in a long time. I'm good for a while."

"Me too. Mike was talking care of me for 2 days," Tina admitted. "I had the hangover from hell."

"So did I. Although I had to take care of Finn and my poor Vladimir since they got beat up by Lord Tubbington," Rachel replied, laughing at the memory.

"I stayed in bed all the next day," Quinn admitted. "Puck actually watched an _Extreme Couponing_ marathon with me."

"Noah watched that?" Rachel demanded, looking up from her toe painting.

Quinn snorted. "He loves it. You'd think seeing how bad I was would deter him from planning an alcohol infused Bachelor Party, but no. He's been thinking about nothing else for weeks, debating what type of stripper to get. Like he doesn't see enough boobs at home."

Rachel glanced up sharply. "There's going to be strippers?"

Quinn shrugged. "They were planning something last night. I could hear them talking about it."

"Mike said it's Saturday," Tina added as she watched Mercedes switch to her other hand. "They probably think they can plan it in an hour before the party starts."

Rachel bit her lip worriedly. "But they're planning on strippers?"

"Sam was mumbling about naughty cops in his sleep," Mercedes announced, pausing her nail painting to take a sip of wine. "The word stripper was mentioned several times."

"Sorry I'm late girls. Fashion emergency at work," Kurt announced as he strolled in. "I need a cocktail, stat."

Rachel poured him a glass of wine, holding it out of his reach as she stared at him. "I _told_ you I don't want strippers."

"Huh? What are you talking about?" He held out his hand for the wine glass, frowning when she held it just out of his reach.

"Finn's Bachelor Party. I don't want strippers there," Rachel stated adamantly. "I'm trusting you to see to that."

Kurt shifted uncomfortably. "Um, well that might be a problem."

"_**Kurt**_!"

"I tried to stop them!" he cried. "But then Puckerman suggested the strippers and all hell broke loose, Rachel. I tried to stop it, I really did, but even _Blaine_ was in favor of the strippers."

"Blaine?"

"The man loves boobs as much as a straight man," Kurt replied. "He actually _likes_ going to strip clubs."

"You need to be my eyes at that party, Kurt," Rachel stressed. "I don't want the stripper near Finn."

"Don't you think you overreacting, Rachel? It's just a stripper. Finn's not going to do anything," Tina commented. "You know he's devoted to you."

"Thats not the point, Tina!" Rachel snapped. "How would you like it if Mike had some other girl's enormous breasts in his face?"

"I'd-"

"Kurt, I expect a full report. I'll be having a word with Finn, but I'm trusting you to make sure all hands stay to themselves. The second any hands - or worse _breasts -_ touch Finn, I expect you to put a stop to it and then inform me." She crossed her arms, staring at him intently.

"You can count on me," Kurt replied solemnly. "I'm on it."

"You better be. You know how Finn feels about breasts. The bigger the better." She looked at Kurt pleadingly. "You're not agreeing with me and then plan on letting Finn do what he wants right?"

"Of course not. I may be grouped with the boys anatomically but you know my allegiance is to you ladies," he promised. "I feel no guilt in taking on this mission, since they mocked my choice of theme."

"Thank you, Kurt." She stared at him, her fingers playing nervously with the necklace Finn had gotten her for their anniversary. "It means a lot to me."

"No strippers will touch him." He nodded firmly. "I _promise_."

* * *

><p>Saturday came and despite Kurt's promise still echoing in her head, Rachel stared at herself in her bathroom mirror determined to have a talk with Finn before he left for his party. No matter what Tina said, she wasn't overreacting, she just wanted to make sure that no skanky big boobed strippers invaded her territory. Burt certainly hadn't helped matters the other night at dinner, telling Finn stories about his own stripper filled Bachelor Party.<p>

Each day closer to the party made Rachel more and more uneasy, working herself up with images of Finn and strippers doing wildly inappropriate things. While the sane part of her knew that it was her imagination taking hold of her fears, the insecure part of her was slowing taking over her brain.

Lowering her bathrobe to her elbows, she stared at herself in the mirror, trying to figure out what Finn saw in her chest…and in her. She knew he loved her, she'd never doubted his love, she was just questioning _why._ She turned to the side, examining her profile as she bit her lip. Carefully, she cupped her breasts, pushing them up in an effort to try to make them fuller.

"I don't know what's going on here, but I like it."

Startled, Rachel turned to see Finn leaning against the doorframe, his eyes trained on the hands still cupping her breasts. "I bet you do."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, immediately registering the snarkiness of her voice as he advanced towards her.

"Nothing." She frowned as she returned her gaze to the mirror, her eyes watching Finn's reflection advance towards her. Quickly, before his hands could touch her, she yanked her robe back up over her shoulders, firmly tying the belt around her waist.

Confused, Finn stood still as Rachel stomped past him into the bedroom. "Rachel, what's your problem?"

"There's no problem. Everything's perfectly fine, Finn," Rachel replied tersely, yanking her drawer open to retrieve some pajamas.

Finn, who was now positive that everything was _not_ fine followed her, caging her against the bureau. "What's going on, baby?"

"Nothing." She ducked under his arms in an attempt to escape, frowning when he grabbed her arm. "Finn!"

"Rachel. Something is bothering you and I want to know what," he demanded, holding her back against his chest. "Are you mad because I said that skirt you bought is the color of a turd?"

"I am now, considering you never said that to me," she replied, glaring at him over her shoulder.

Shit. He must've said that to Blaine.

"So why else are you mad at me then if you didn't know about that?" he murmured, leaning down to place kisses against her neck in the hopes that she'd be distracted. "Is it because we haven't had sex since yesterday morning? Cause I'm furious."

She rolled her eyes, weakening from his kisses. "Yes Finn, that's it. I'm angry because it's been more than 24 hours since I've seen you naked."

"I thought so. In that case, I better get naked." He scooped her up, carrying her over to the bed and lying her down on it before he climbed over her, burying his face in her neck as he sucked on her skin.

"Finn," she breathed out as she felt his hand untie her robe, his lips shifting to kiss her collarbone. Her eyes closed momentarily as he spread open her robe, shifting once more to kiss her breasts. The feel of him on her breasts reminded her off why exactly she was mad and she opened her eyes, determined to lay down the law. "_Finn_."

"I know, baby, I know," he murmured against her skin before he sat up and pulled off his shirt. "I'm getting naked now."

"Finn," she tried again, distracted by the fact that he was now yanking off his pants and boxers. Her eyes roamed over his aroused body and she grinned, suddenly realizing that she could use this to her advantage. A plan formulating in her mind, she tied her robe back up before he could lie on her again, earning a pout from Finn.

"Baby, what are you doing?" he pouted, watching as she sat up and climbed into his lap.

"Don't you want to see the lingerie I got at my shower?" she asked, one hand trailing along his erection as she began to place kisses along his jaw.

"I thought you wanted to save it all for our honeymoon?" he breathed out, groaning as she ran her hand up his length once.

"I changed my mind," she murmured, squeezing him once. "I'm going to show you only one thing. The rest I'm saving."

"Ok..." He trailed off, unable to speak since she was currently slipping her tongue into his mouth. She ran her tongue over the bridge of his mouth, sucking on his bottom lip as she pulled away.

"Why don't you make yourself comfortable?" she suggested coyly. "I'm just going to get changed."

He nodded eagerly, already sitting up against the headboard. Pleased that her plan seemed to be working, she climbed off the bed and walked into the closet, quickly locating her secret bag of lingerie.

"Babe?" she called out as she debated between a sheer pink baby doll and a black teddy that was basically just a thong and a tiny bra connected by a ruffle running up her stomach.

"Yeah?"

"Are you getting excited for your party?" she called back, opting to slip into the baby doll.

"Hell yeah."

She frowned at his excitement, deciding to pull out the big guns and go for the teddy. "I'm assuming since Noah's in charge of entertainment there will be strippers?" she called out as she pulled on what little material the teddy had.

"I don't know. I hope so."

She yanked on her robe as her frown grew. Tying the robe around her waist, she stepped back out of the closet to stare at him. "You hope so?"

"Huh?" He stared at her, not realizing his mistake as he took in her attire. "Rach, baby that's the same robe you were wearing before. That's not coming on our honeymoon right?"

"You said you hope so," Rachel clarified. "You _want_ strippers?"

"What? Um no," he replied, finally realizing his mistake and backtracking. "I don't know what they're planning, I swear."

"But you said you hope so. That means you want them," she insisted. "I think we need to talk."

He groaned at her words but immediately became confused when she crossed over to the bed, kneeling across his legs.

"I don't want strippers at your party," she said bluntly.

"Baby what's the big deal? It's not like I'll be sleeping with any of them," he replied, his hands slipping under her robe to rub her thighs. "They're just naked."

"I don't want strippers at your party," she repeated.

"All they do is dance," he pointed out. "Naked."

She frowned again, holding the robe tightly closed. "Exactly. Why do you need to go see naked women dance when you see me naked all the time?"

"I'm not seeing you naked right now," he unwisely pointed out.

"So because I'm not naked enough for you, you want to see other naked women?" she demanded, clutching her robe tightly.

"You know that's not what I meant," he replied, backtracking quickly. "Can't you lose the robe?"

"Not till we agree on some ground rules," she decided. "I've made my feelings on the matter quite clear to Kurt, but from what I gather he's been usurped by Noah which means that he's going to ignore my no strippers rule."

"That's not for you to decide." He squeezed her thighs.

"I'm the bride. Of course it is."

"So basically you don't trust me," he surmised, his hands stilling under her robe.

She ran her hand down his chest to his erection, stroking it lightly. "I trust you."

"Apparently you don't, not like I trust you." He picked her up, depositing her next to him while he leaned over to grab his boxers.

"What are you doing?" she asked, frowning as he pulled on his boxers.

"I'm not in the mood."

"You're not in the mood?" She sat up on her knees. "You?"

"Nope." He settled back on the bed. "Trust me. Oh wait, you don't."

"I trust you!" she cried. "It's them I don't trust. How could they possibly keep their hands off you? You're too cute for your own good."

He shook his head. "That's not gonna work. When you had your penispalooza, did I ever tell you I don't want other guy's junk swinging in your face?"

"But the-"

He held up a hand to silence her. "Or that you couldn't go to a strip club if that's what they had planned?"

"But-"

"I didn't and not just because I didn't know what they'd planned," he replied. "I didn't say anything because I trust you and wanted you to have fun."

She frowned, idly picking at the bedspread. "I just don't want you to come home tomorrow and be disappointed."

He reached over and pulled her back onto his lap, his fingers playing with the ties of her robe. "Baby, you _know_ the only hands I want on me are yours."

She removed her hand from him, loosening her robe slightly. "So if they do _this_," she shifted in his lap, grinding against him as the robe opened a little more. "You wouldn't do _this_."

He watched as she grabbed his hands and ran them up her body, the movement opening her robe and partly revealing her barely there lingerie to him. She brought his hands to a stop on her breasts as she stared at him.

"No baby, never," he assured her, letting her move his hands to massage her.

"Good. Because otherwise I wouldn't do _this_." She removed his hands from her body, shaking the robe off herself before she cupped a hand over his boxer covered arousal.

His eyes grew wide at the ultra sexy lingerie, delighted to feel bare skin when he moved his hands to her ass. "Fuck, you look _hot_."

"And it goes without saying that when they do _this_," she reached behind her, unhooking her bra and sliding the straps down her arms to reveal her bare chest to him. She pushed his face towards her chest, his lips moving automatically to begin kissing and fondling. "You won't do _that_."

"Nope," he murmured against her breast between kisses.

She bit her lip to keep from moaning, determined to make her point. "If I found out you did, I would be forced to stop doing _this_."

He groaned against her breast as he felt her hand slip inside his boxers and pull him out, stroking him firmly.

She scooted down his legs, bending low over his groin and taking just his tip in her mouth for a second before she sat back up. "I'd _hate_ to stop doing that. I know how much you enjoy it."

"I...I do," he groaned hoarsely.

"So then we agree? You won't touch them?" She leaned over again, licking him once before she sucked on his tip.

"No touching," he whined out as she sat back up.

"So now that that's settled, are you in the mood now?" she queried, running her hands up her chest. "Are you ready to enjoy my honeymoon lingerie?"

"Hell yeah," he murmured, making her squeal as he flipped them over.

She settled back against the pillows, sighing happily as he kissed his way down her body to pull off her lingerie.

He looked up at her, his eyes smoldering as he peppered her stomach with kisses. "If the rest of your lingerie is as hot as this one, I can't wait for our honeymoon."

"Me neither, Finn," she breathed, watching him sit up to slide her lingerie off. "Me neither."

She just had to make it through this Bachelor Party first.

* * *

><p>"So this is a Bachelor party?" Quinn asked doubtfully, looking around Puck's living room, which as far as she could tell looked exactly the same as always. "You don't even have any balloons."<p>

"Only balloons in this room will be on the stripper's chest," Puck commented, busy tapping a keg.

Quinn rolled her eyes. "I'm just saying, it wouldn't kill you to have a decoration or two."

"Yeah well, unlike chicks who feel the need to penis out the place, guys like to do it much more tastefully with just a pair of boobs," he replied, straightening up to look at her.

"I'm sure that's why you ordered a stripper," Quinn observed wryly. "Purely for decorative purposes."

"You gonna watch the show?" he asked with a smirk. "Maybe pick up some tips?"

"Hardly. I'm having a girls night with Rachel, Brittany, Mercedes and Tina. We're going to dinner and a Broadway show."

He arched an eyebrow. "Gossip while you eat?"

"Actually, we're going to talk about our sex lives and how they can be improved," Quinn retorted.

"Sucks for you since our sex life is fucking perfect," he replied, flopping onto the couch. "But if you must know, I did buy one thing for the party."

"Do I want to know what it is?" She arched an eyebrow. "Let me guess. A massive pair of boobs?"

"Nope. I got Hudson a girl for the night."

"Are you _insane_?" she demanded. "You hired him an escort? Rachel's going to flip!"

"Relax, Q." He stepped towards a nearby closet, opening it and pulling out a box. "_This_ is his girl."

She burst out laughing as he handed her the box, examining the picture carefully. "Wanda Wannafuck? You got him an anatomically correct blowup doll?"

He nodded happily. "With bigger boobs than Berry. Or you for that matter."

She glared at him. "What are you planning to do with this?"

"What do you think?" He stared at her in amazement, pulling Wanda out of her box and beginning to inflate her. "Handcuff him to it. Duh."

Quinn shook her head in amazement. "Guys are stupid."

"Says the person who made an ice luge in the shape of a penis."

"That was for décor! I didn't handcuff Rachel to it!"

"Not my fault you didn't think of it." He finished blowing up the doll, laughing when he saw it. "Check it out. With the dark hair and eyes, this doll could pass for Berry. They're about the same size."

"Very mature, Puck."

"I try," he agreed. "I even got some perfume and an ugly dress to make it even better."

"So what are you idiots actually planning on doing tonight?" Quinn asked as a change of subject, trying not to notice that the doll had openings in several key anatomical spots.

He shrugged. "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."

"Seriously?" She rolled her eyes. "I told you what we were doing for Rachel's party."

"Not my fault you have a big mouth."

"Fine. Keep your secrets and go play with your doll," she retorted. "I hope you two are very happy together."

"I'm sure we will be since Wanda can keep her mouth shut," he shot back. "I can't wait to see Hudson's face when he sees her. It'll be hysterical when we bring her out. I-" He was cut off by the sound of the front door opening.

_"Hello? We're here!"_

"In here, dude!" Puck called back, walking over to the bar to arrange the liquor. Artie, Blaine and Kurt appeared a moment later, each loaded down with boxes. "What the fuck is all that?"

"You promised I could be in charge of the food and décor," Kurt replied crisply. He placed the box on the couch, pulling out his carefully planned theme. "Artie and Blaine have all the food and I've got the decorations."

"What. The. Fuck." Puck paused his arranging to stare at the football covered tablecloth in Kurt's hand.

"What? You said no casino, feathers, cowboys, or sparkles," Kurt replied, spreading the tablecloth over Puck's poker table.

"So you go with _football_?" he cried. "It's not Super Bowl Sunday!"

"I tried to tell him," Blaine put in, watching Kurt lay out various plates and platters in the shape of footballs on the table, filling each with chips and pretzels. "But he insisted."

"You implied you wanted a manly theme. What's more manly than football?" Kurt added, placing a pile of football shaped napkins next to the matching plates. "Besides, look at these amazing shot glasses I found. They say first down and second down on them which I thought meant in regards to alcohol, but Blaine says it's football nomenclature, so bonus. Hold this."

"Is he for real?" Puck asked Blaine, taking the end of the football pennant banner Kurt was holding out. He watched in amazement at Kurt strung his end of the banner along the window before taking Puck's and doing the same.

"I think it's great," Quinn announced, grinning like a fool. "Finn loves football, so it's perfect."

"Exactly," Kurt replied, now busy using a bike pump to blow up an inflatable cooler in the shape of an end zone and goal post. "I'm glad someone with taste is in this room. What do you think of my shirt?"

"I love it. Love how it's changing colors when the light hits it."

Kurt nodded happily. "The iridescence will change the gray to blue when the light is on it. I just bought it yesterday. Blaine, finish blowing this up so I can set out the Crudité."

"The _what_?" Puck cried.

"Crudité. Raw vegetables," Kurt explained patiently, pulling baggies of vegetables out of another box. "I even carved the radishes into little footballs at Rachel's suggestion."

Puck closed his eyes, mumbling something under his breath before he spoke. "Vegetables have no place at a Bachelor Party."

"They do if I'm planning it," Kurt announced as he eyed the room. "Artie, why don't you set up the inflatable football man I stole from Dad and set it up in the corner while I hang the paper football lanterns? We only have a little bit of time before Finn gets here and I need to send pictures to Rachel."

Puck walked over to the bar, seemingly pouring random bottles of liquor into a glass. He held it up, examining the pinkish color carefully before he spoke, his tone casual. "Hey Hummel. Try this. I'm thinking of making this the signature drink tonight, just needs a name."

Kurt stared at him suspiciously, a paper lantern attached to the hand he had on his hip. "Really. _You're_ having a signature drink."

He shrugged. "I don't want to hear Berry bitching that Finn had a crappy party because there wasn't a signature drink."

"Fair point." Kurt accepted the glass, taking a small sip. "Mmm. That's pretty good actually. I'd suggest calling it Fantasy Football."

"You got it," Puck replied cheerily as Kurt took a another sip. "I'll just make some more for the rest of us."

"What are you doing?" Artie hissed. "This is a Bachelor Party not a Bridal Shower! There's no signature drink!"

"He's a spy, dude. I know he is," Puck murmured. "He's totally working for Berry, which means we need to take him down before he can report back to her. Bad enough Q is still here."

"You think he's a double agent?" Artie asked doubtfully.

"He totally is," Puck replied confidently, watching as Kurt pulled out his cell phone while continuing to sip his drink. "Look at him texting. Guarantee you he's texting her that the party is stripper free right now."

"What about Quinn? You think she's not going to report back to Rachel?"

"True." He looked over at Quinn. "Hey Q! The hen house called. They're missing a hen. Better get over there before they start gossiping about you."

"I'll go soon." Quinn watched in amusement as Artie used some sort of machine to blow up one of those inflatables that she'd seen on front lawns at Christmas time, hardly able to resist taking pictures to show the girls. Ignoring Puck's protests, she sat on the couch to continue watching Kurt set up his football decorations, offering her opinion when asked. Her eyes narrowed slightly as she watch Puck pour another drink and hand it to Kurt but he seemed to like it, quickly downing it as he placed football confetti all over the end tables. She grew more suspicious as Puck immediately handed Kurt a refill, which he began drinking as he decorated. "What's in that drink, Puck?"

Puck looked at his girlfriend innocently. "What? It's the signature drink of the night."

"It's good, Quinn," Kurt called out, finishing his glass and handing it to Puck, who promptly gave him another.

Quinn said nothing, deciding to watch Puck's actions further.

Kurt was on his sixth drink when Mike and Sam arrived, each bearing expressions of surprise when they saw the room, but unlike Puck, they kept their opinions about the décor to themselves, simply taking a beer out of the inflatable cooler and settling on the couch with Quinn.

"Alright Q. Unless you're planning on dancing on a table naked, it's time for you to leave," Puck announced with a glance at the clock. "And no ratting to Berry about what you've seen."

"Fine. Rachel just texted that Finn's on his way anyway." She stood up, saying her goodbyes to the boys and issuing a kiss to Puck before she walked out.

Finn came soon after, wearing a goofy expression and hair that was suspiciously sexified. Vlad was in his ams, wearing a blue striped polo shirt the same shade as Finn's and bag of Vlad's supplies was in the hand not holding the Chihuahua.

Kurt, who'd been downing yet another signature drink on the couch, stood up and made his way unsteadily over to a box, digging through it for a moment before pulling out a plastic gold crown decorated with footballs. Smiling, he stole a Rice Krispie Treat off Sam's plate as he turned to Finn.

"Finn's here!" he cried, his words slightly slurred as he shoved the Rice Krispie Treat in Finn's hand and placed the crown crookedly on Finn's head. "Have a Krispie treat rice. A treat Rice Krispie. A...this."

"Whoa. What is _that_ doing here?" Puck demanded, pointing to Vlad.

"Rachel made me bring him, since he's a bachelor too." He rolled his eyes, placing the dog on the ground. "He's just not allowed to watch any strippers."

"Really? You have matching shirts on?" Puck questioned with an eye roll. "That's seriously gay."

"Rachel wanted him to look nice," Finn defended, watching Vlad jump up into Artie's lap and secretly agreeing with Puck. "And we're not _exactly_ matching. His has wider stripes than mine, so it's not gay."

"No, Puck's right," Kurt decided. "It's really gay."

"Told you." Puck took a closer look at Finn and smirked. "I see Berry gave you a sendoff. She want to make sure you didn't forget her?"

"I guess," he replied easily, watching Vlad turn in circles and settle on Artie's lap. "She let me do some stuff that she doesn't care for, plus I got a preview of the honeymoon lingerie."

"Like what? Sex outside of a bed?" Puck asked, eyebrow arched. "No way she let you in the back door."

"No, that's still not allowed but I did get some 69 among other things," Finn replied, glancing down at the food in his hand. "Why am I holding a Rice Krispie Treat football?"

"Your brother planned the food and the decorations," Artie explained, nodding at Kurt who was busy getting the last dregs out of his current glass.

"Ah," Finn replied, understanding immediately. He popped the Rice Krispie football into his mouth. "So you got him drunk as punishment?"

"I'm working on it," Puck answered easily, handing Kurt another drink as he burped. "Nice one, Hummel."

"So what's the plan for tonight?" Finn asked curiously.

"You'll see," Sam answered. "But first things first. We need your phone?"

"Why?" he asked, handing it over.

"No talking to Rachel," Sam replied, pocketing his phone.

"Seriously?"

"Can't have her texting and calling trying to see what's going on," Puck replied promptly, busy pouring shots over by the bar. "Time for shots."

Finn followed eagerly, glancing at the long row of shots Puck had poured. "Two each, I guess?"

"You guess wrong," Puck replied. "You're doing two shots for every one that we each drink. But first, we toast." He passed around one shot to each of them, placing the remainder by Finn. "To Finn, who for whatever reason, has decided to chain himself to the anchor known as Berry."

"Hey! Dude!"

Puck waved off Finn's protests as he continued. "So let's do a shot since Berry's decided he's gotta tie the knot. Salut."

Finn downed his shot with the others, grimacing at the thought of having to do five more. Knowing it would be useless to protest, he quickly worked his way through the five, slamming the last shot glass down with a flourish. "There."

"I say we do another round, what do you say men?" Artie asked, grinning maniacally.

"I say..." Kurt slurred. He paused, seemingly forgetting what he was going to say as he stared at his shot glass. "I say..._yes_."

"Excellent idea, Abrams." Puck poured out the shots and once again, Finn found himself having to drink six while they each drank one.

"Feeling buzzed yet?" Sam asked with a grin as he handed Finn his beer.

"A little." He took a swig of beer, grinning as he watched Kurt attempt to pour himself more of the cocktail he'd been drinking and missing the glass completely.

"So Finn, Berry say you're allowed to have fun tonight?" Puck asked with a wicked grin, taking the pitcher from Kurt and pouring it into his glass for him. "Cause I heard she laid down the law about strippers."

"Huh? You talked to Rachel?" Finn asked, looking around the room for her. "Is she here?"

"Don't be stupid, Hudson. I wanna have fun at this party, not get nagged to death," Puck replied. "Kurt told us. But just for that, pour him another six, Chang."

Finn groaned as Mike poured out the requested shots, downing them as quick as possible and letting out a large belch after the last one. He grabbed his beer again, chugging it until it was empty and he could slam it on the table next to the empty shot glasses. Artie immediately handed him a fresh beer, watching happily as he began to drink it.

He finished the beer, wiping the back of his mouth with his hand. So far, this party was pretty awesome.

Minus the football decorations.

* * *

><p>Four beers and two rounds of Jägerbombs later, Finn was happily ensconced on the couch, his buzz heavy and a cigar hanging from his mouth. He'd plowed through the football themed food Kurt had prepared, idly wondering when the entertainment was going to start since as amusing as it was, he doubted that Kurt getting plastered was the sole entertainment.<p>

"So am I allowed now to ask what we're doing?" Finn inquired, placing his newly empty beer bottle in line with his other empties. Beside him, Vlad was chewing on the squeaky stuffed beer bottle Rachel had bought him specifically for the party, determined to rip the squeaker out.

Puck glanced at his watch. "The entertainment should be arriving any minute now."

Finn's eyes lit up. "You did get a stripper?"

"You think Berry's threats or Hummel is gonna stop me?" Puck boasted. "Of course I got a stripper."

"Awesome." He sat up straighter, the crown on his head slipping a little.

Puck glanced at his phone, a secretive grin on his face as he read a text. "It is awesome, especially since she's here."

Sam pulled a chair into the center of the room. "Get ready, Finn. White Chocolate's coming."

Finn got up and sat in the chair. "Where?"

"Right here." Sam pulled off his shirt and started gyrating around Finn playfully, making Finn mortified and everyone else laugh.

"Ass." He pushed Sam away as he stood. "Are there real girl strippers?"

"What? We thought you'd like Evans. He's got bigger boobs than Berry," Puck replied with a smirk as he stood. "But since you insist on being a diva and demanding more, I'll go see if I can find a real girl stripper in the hall."

"You're hysterical." Finn grabbed Vlad and his stuffed beer bottle off the couch. "I'm gonna get Vlad set up in the guest room."

He quickly got Vlad settled in the guest room, closing the door firmly behind him and heading back into the party room. To his disappointment, only Artie, Sam, Mike, Blaine and Puck were in the room watching Kurt drink straight out of the blender, although he supposed the scary looking guy now sitting in the corner of the room was the stripper's bodyguard. "Where's the stripper?"

"Nurse Feel Good is getting ready," Puck replied, exchanging grins with Artie, Mike, Blaine and Sam. "Why don't you sit in you chair? She'll be ready in a second."

Finn nodded eagerly, accepting the beer Blaine was offering as he sat. He eyed Puck, who was over by the bar pouring shot after shot, wondering why he was pouring so many but figuring it was just because he didn't want to miss the show.

His curiosity peaked even more when Mike placed a small table next to his chair, placing the shots Sam was getting from Puck on it. "Dude, what's going on?"

"Just getting ready," Mike replied vaguely.

"Oh." He took a swig of beer, trying to figure out what that could possibly mean. Before he could think about it further, he felt cool metal being slipped around his left wrist and looked down startled to see that Blaine had just handcuffed him to the chair. "Dude! What the fuck?"

"Can't have you running when you see the huge knockers Nurse Feel Good has," Puck replied for Blaine, still pouring shots. "I know you're not used to that."

"Geez, you guys talk to Rachel?" he asked, tugging on the handcuff. "She made me promise not to touch any huge boobs I saw."

The sound of the bathroom door opening made Puck pause mid pour. "Here she comes!" he hissed. "Put the blindfold on him, Blaine."

Finn closed his eyes eagerly, already excited by the clacking of heels on the wooden floor getting steadily closer to him. Blaine slipped a blindfold over him, making him even more alert to the clack of the heels.

_"Did somebody call for a sponge bath?"_

Still blindfolded, Finn grinned as he felt a hand run along his back, listening to the heels now circling him. Nurse Feel Good sat in his lap for a second, running what he assumed was a stethoscope up his chest. He shifted a little at the weight, immediately noticing the difference between her and Rachel.

"Hmm. Seems to me that this boy right here is in need of some sponging."

He nodded eagerly as he felt a finger trace along his jaw. His ears perked up as the music began playing, only to become confused when _Bad Case of Loving You_ came on, a song he hardly considered stripper music. Nurse Feel Good sat in his lap again, pressing his head against her chest once before she placed her stethoscope around his neck. He grinned, knowing from that move that his nurse was big breasted.

Nurse Feel Good herself confirmed this when she grabbed a shot glass from the table next to him, placing it between her breasts and guiding him to it. He wrapped his lips around the glass, plucking it from her breasts and downing the shot, wondering if there was any possible way Rachel would be able to do that. She nudged his legs, her hands on his knees as she stepped between them and turned, rubbing herself against him. The blindfold was preventing him from seeing how hot Nurse Feel Good was but he from what he'd felt, he knew she'd be totally hot.

Fortunately, someone behind him pulled his blindfold off, allowing him to get his first glimpse of Nurse Feel Good as she turned to face him. His eyes widened as he took in the short white nurse's uniform she was wearing, a uniform that barely covered her skin.

Her _old_ skin.

While there was no denying her still covered boobs were huge, there was no denying that they were also old, clearly lacking the perkiness he loved about Rachel's. She raised her arms as she danced, her arm fat jiggling and he cringed, longing for Rachel's toned body. Nurse Feel Good pulled her nurse's cap off her head, leaning over to place it on Finn's before she pulled her hair out of the ponytail it was in, letting her dark hair loose, her grey roots showing.

Horrified, he watched as she unzipped the dress a little while she danced, revealing a lacy red bra peeking through. She turned and bent over, her thong covered ass poking out as she did so. While he normally would've been hard as a rock if he saw Rachel do that, the fact that this woman was easily older than his mom kept his libido firmly in check. Not knowing what else to do, he grabbed one of the shots off the table, downing it and immediately reaching for another while Puck, Artie, Sam, Mike and Blaine all laughed hysterically.

"You're all so dead," he hissed, grabbing another shot and downing it as Nurse Feel Good unzipped her dress and flashed her lingerie at him. Unable to get out of the chair thanks to the handcuffs, he watched her drop the uniform to the ground, approaching him in just her bra and panties. He grabbed another shot as she sat in his lap, rubbing against him before she stood again, dancing around his chair and dragging her hands down his chest from behind.

Shot after shot was swallowed as Nurse Feel Good went through her routine and by the time she was totally naked, Finn was too drunk to notice her soft belly and C-section scar, nor did he notice her slightly wrinkled skin. He did however, notice her breasts, too drunk to remember Rachel's warnings and grinning when Nurse Feel Good shoved his face in between them. She straddled his body, pushing her breasts together to let him do more shots, to which Finn eagerly complied. Kurt, just as drunk as his brother, joined him in doing shots off Nurse Feel Good's body to the laughter of everyone in the room.

By the time Nurse Feel Good was finished, Finn's words were slurred and incoherent and he was drinking straight out of the bottle Puck had passed over, attempting to tell Nurse Feel Good about Rachel and just why she was so awesome. "And her boobs? They're like this size," he slurred, trying to make his thumb and forefinger into a small circle but unable to do so. "But they're awesome, so that makes them awesome."

"Tell her how awful she dresses. She wears polar bear sweaters and..." Kurt, ensconced on Finn's lap, trailed off, completely forgetting what they were talking about. "Give me that."

He grabbed the bottle from Finn, managing to take a deep swig before Finn grabbed the bottle back. "Dude! Polar Bears are awesome. They're like big white marshmallows," Finn slurred. "And that's _my_ bottle."

"It's my bottle now," Kurt replied, yanking it out of his hand. "It matches my outfit."

"Dude! I'm the groom! It's mine." He grabbed his bottle back, frowning when Kurt refused to relinquish his hold on it. They yanked it back and forth, neither noticing that Nurse Feel Good had gotten dressed and was now leaving.

"Where's the nurse? I need to pee," Finn slurred, loosening his grip on the bottle. "I gotta go."

"Hey!" Kurt cried, finding himself on the floor as Finn attempted to stand. "You stole my chair!"

Finn appeared nonplussed at the accusation, simply taking the chair he was still handcuffed to and stumbling in the direction of the bathroom, the chair dragging behind him. He'd knocked over two lamps and fallen twice before Sam stopped him, freeing him of the handcuffs. He stumbled towards the bathroom, frowning when he realized Sam was still with him. "Dude, no watching. Only Rachel can and she doesn't like to." He yanked open the door, annoyed when Sam shut it immediately. "What the hell? I gotta take a leak, man."

"That's a closet Finn. Quinn will kill you if you piss on her coats," Sam commented, turning Finn in the direction of the bathroom.

"I'll only do it on the ugly ones," Finn slurred. "I gotta take a leak now."

"So do it." Sam pushed him into the bathroom, shutting the door after Finn attempted to do it twice and failed. Satisfied that he was alone, Finn stumbled over to the toilet and peed, not realizing that he'd mistaken the sink for the toilet. Unable to find the handle to flush, he shrugged and tried to wash his hands in the potted plant above the toilet before he opened the door and stumbled his way back into the party.

A tall man he recognized as someone who did something with doors downstairs in the lobby was now in the room with his friends, and he pursed his lips, attempting to listen to the man saying something about the limo breaking down and cabs downstairs waiting.

"Alright, now that Hudson's been humiliated, I think it's time to hit the real strip club," Puck announced, his own buzz heavy. "Let's do some Irish Car Bombs, make sure everyone's _really_ feeling good before we go. Fritz is gonna do one too."

"Awesome, door dude," Finn slurred, trying to give the brown haired doorman a fist bump but missing completely.

He quickly poured the Guinness into each glass, spilling as much as he poured before he prepared the shot glasses with Bailey's and whiskey, handing them out quickly. They each dropped their shot in the glass, or in Kurt's case on the floor, downing their mixtures immediately.

"Alright men, let's hit the road," Puck decided, adding a loud belch for emphasis.

"The cabs are waiting," Fritz announced, heading towards the door.

Finn grinned goofily. "Wait. Vlad's gotta come. He's a bachelor."

"Fuck no. The Rat's not coming. Berry probably hooked a camera to his collar," Puck replied. "Let's go."

"Vlad _needs_ to come," Finn insisted.

"Again, no. Berry said he's not allowed to see strippers."

"Oh." Finn scrunched his eyebrows. "Wait. Berry didn't say that, Rachel did."

"I can't go yet. I have to clean my shirt," Kurt slurred as he stumbled towards the bathroom. "I can't have the strippers seeing me dirty."

"Let's just go," Artie whined, the effects of the alcohol hitting him. He attempted to wheel towards the door, managing to wheel into the door frame instead. He backed up a little, getting the same result until a just as drunk Mike took pity on him and pushed him through, sending him flying down the hall and into the door. Laughing hysterically, Mike and Blaine took off after him, pushing him drunkenly out of the apartment.

"Ready?" Puck peered at Finn, who was swaying side to side, as was the Finn next to him.

"Kurt," he slurred, stumbling towards the hall. "Need my Kurt."

"Fine. I gotta take a whiz anyway." He stumbled away, heading to the bathroom. The silence of an empty apartment greeted Puck when he emerged a few minutes later and he hurried out to the elevator as fast as his drunken body would allow, not wanting them to leave without him.

Fritz greeted him at the door. "One cab left already and the rest of the boys are in this cab here. You've got some pretty drunk ones in there."

"Awesome." Puck nodded, climbing into the cab Fritz pointed to, more than ready to see some real strippers.

And this time, there'd be no cellulite in sight.

* * *

><p>Now this was more like it.<p>

Puck leaned back on the plush couch, a dancer named Gigi ensconced on his lap. Unlike the last stripper they'd watched, Gigi was firm in all the right places and definitely smokin'. The girls at the club they'd hit first had been just as fine as Gigi, so all in all, his night had drastically improved.

They'd spent a while at that club, drinking and dancing before moving onto the dimly lit private room of the strip club. They'd been greeted by a bevy of dancers armed with alcohol, which meant that the party had been going strongly, thanks to the combination of lap dances and money. As had been previously arranged, the groom was kept well supplied with liquor and lap dances, Puck reminding the dancers to take care of the dork in the blue shirt.

Judging by the amount of waitresses carrying alcohol on trays past him, Puck felt it was safe to assume that his orders were being carried out and was able to comfortably focus on Gigi dancing in front of him. Next to him, a grinning Artie was busy shoving money in the skirt of the dancer currently grinding against him. The room was too dark to really see everyone, but he was able to glance to his right and see something that amused him to no end.

"Dude!" he hissed to Artie, knocking his glasses askew as he drunkenly attempted to get his attention. "Check out Hummel!"

Artie looked over from the lap dance he was getting to see a _very_ drunk Kurt happily getting a lap dance off his own, the pirate hat from the dancer's costume on his head. He burst out laughing at the sight of Kurt shoving money in her bustier. "How much has he had?"

"No idea. But he's definitely trashed." He smirked as he watched the dancer grind against Kurt.

"Where's Finn? He _needs_ to see this."

"I saw him and his stupid blue shirt over by the bar," Puck slurred, the bikini top of the dancer currently grinding against him now around his neck. "He's gonna need another lap dance when he gets back."

Artie nodded, adjusting his glasses to peer across the dark room. "How many has he had so far?"

"No idea. But we each bought him at least one, so that's like a ton," Puck decided, his drunken math skills sorely lacking. He stuffed some money into the dancer's thong. "If he's gonna marry Berry, he definitely needs more lap dances."

"Definitely." Artie nodded firmly as the dancer on his lap wrapped her feather boa around his neck.

"Whoa. Is Kurt having _another_ lap dance?" Blaine demanded as he came up to them, dancing in place with a passing waitress. She pressed her rear end against him, for a moment before she slapped his ass and kept walking. Undaunted by a lack of a dance partner, he continued dancing in place for a moment, beer flying out of his bottle. "Every time I look over, he's got another girl on his lap. He even had Officer Naughty arrest him before for doing a body shot off the Fraulein's chest."

"Exactly why Finn needs to get his ass back in here. He's missing valuable opportunities to mock Kurt," Puck announced as the dancer on his lap finished and stood up.

"I saw Finn over by the stage, I think," Blaine added. "Watching that nurse do her routine."

Puck shook his head. "Unbelievable. Hummel's a fucking stud tonight and Finn's missing it to watch another nurse. We need photo evidence of this."

"I have Kurt's phone," Blaine offered. "He gave it to me before because his pants don't have pockets or something."

"Nice," Puck cried. "We're so making this his wallpaper."

He waited until Kurt was doing yet another body shot off of the pirate wench's chest before he snapped it, quickly making it Kurt's wallpaper. Unable to resist, he opened the message section, seeing a stream of missed texts all from Rachel.

_**Kurt, what's going on?**_

_**I'm trusting you to watch Finn.**_

_**Are there a lot of strippers? **_

_**Don't let them touch him. If they do, I put sanitary wipes in Vladimir's travel bag.**_

_**Which reminds me. I don't want Vlad to see the strippers.**_

_**Just in case you don't see this text, I've booked him for the works at Lady Barkington's tomorrow to decontaminate him. **_

_**Not sure how I'm going to decontaminate Finn though, but I have the washer empty and ready to wash his clothes the second he comes home.**_

_**What's going on? Why aren't you answering?**_

_**Don't let Noah corrupt Finn. You know he'll get Finn drunk to annoy me.**_

"I _knew_ it!" Puck cried. "I knew he was a double agent!"

He eyed Kurt, still busy with his pirate. If Rachel thought she could use Kurt to control this party, she had another think coming. This was _his_ party and other than the decorations, he had everything under control and on the way to being an epic party. And once Finn got back from the bar, he fully planned to take this party to the next level. Forget corrupting Finn.

He was going for all out _legendary._

* * *

><p>His drink in his hand, Finn stumbled through the door, not quite sure where he was going. His drunken eyes roamed the space, trying to adjust to the darkness. Ever clumsy, he moved forward, his beer spilling as he noticed the couch in the corner. He squinted, trying to decide if he was seeing what he thought he was. "<em>Rachel<em>? Is that you?"

She didn't answer, sitting silently on the couch.

"Baby, what are you doing here?" he slurred, taking a swig of his beer. "Were you watching me with the old lady stripper?"

Again, she stayed silent, making him frown. He stumbled closer, falling onto the couch next to her, but to his annoyance she slipped off the couch the second he fell on. Her perfume drifted up to his nose, making him inhale deeply. "Rach, baby. Don't be mad."

He pulled her to him on the couch, burying his nose in her hair as he drunkenly tried to explain. "She made me touch her. I didn't _want_ to touch her old lady skin. Your's feel so much better, like a baby's ass. Her's felt like dinosaur skin. I mean, I don't know what dinosaurs felt like, but I think science dudes would agree. Her boobs were pretty sweet though. They didn't feel like dinosaur skin. More like a water buffalo, which is a totally awesome animal."

Not giving her a chance to respond to that, he ran a hand up her leg, playing with the hem of her dress. "Is this a new dress? I like it." He slipped his hand under the frog printed material, rubbing her thigh lightly. "Baby. Don't be mad I touched her water buffalo boobs. You know I like yours better. They're like as awesome as zebras, which could totally kick a water buffalo's ass in a fight."

She didn't seem convinced by this, so he let his hand roam a little, rubbing the inside of her thigh firmly. His lips connected with her neck, kissing it a few times to try and get a reaction from her. She remained just as silent and unmoving, which made him more determined and annoyed. "Fine. Sit there and be mad. But I'm not moving. Maybe I'll even feel more water buffalo boobs. Or better yet, I'll find some girl with puma boobs since a puma could totally kick a zebra's ass."

He crossed his arms in frustration, annoyed that she was just sitting there. If Rachel wanted to be mad at him for something he sort of did, then that was her problem. He was just going to sit here and enjoy his bachelor party. "Just so you know, if you're not talking to me, then I'm not talking to you. So don't try and use your eyes on me cause it won't work. It won't."

There. That should show her. Satisfied, he sat back, prepared to ignore her.

For about two seconds.

"I really can't believe you're mad about this," he slurred, waving his beer wildly in the air. The liquid spilled out, landing on Rachel's dress and he frowned, knowing she was going to be pissed. She shifted a little but stayed quiet, which he took to assume meant she was listening. "It's not like I kissed her! I just touched her boobs. I didn't want to be rude!"

He waited a moment before he unsteadily stood up. "You know what? If you're going to act like this, I'm _really_ not speaking to you. I'm gonna go get a drink at the bar and when I come back, I'm _so_ gonna kick your ass at the ignoring game."

He stumbled away, already planning on how exactly he'd ignore her. Rachel thought she was so smart but he'd totally show her. He'll ignore the hell out of her and then she'll get mad and start demanding he speak to her.

He turned once more to face her, annoyed to see her still sitting on the couch. "Game on, Rachel."

* * *

><p>"Shot?"<p>

Mike nodded, accepting the beer the scantily clad waitress was offering, Sam and Blaine doing the same next to him. Quickly, the three of them downed their shots, slamming the glasses back on the tray.

"We'll take another round, plus a lap dance for the groom in the blue shirt," Sam announced. The waitress nodded, scurrying away to get more shots. "Rachel's gonna have to wash that shirt a million times to get all the stripperness out of it."

"What about Kurt?" Blaine added, drunkenly nodding towards Kurt. "He's over there with a catholic school girl now."

The waitress came back with their shots, handing them back out. "Do you want to put the groom on the stage? He can be part of the show."

"Yes!" Mike, Blaine and Sam replied simultaneously.

The waitress nodded. "Give us a minute and we'll have him on the main stage. You can just grab a table up front out there."

"Awesome." Blaine held up his shot glass, clinking it against the others before he downed his shot, Mike and Sam doing the same. "Let's go get Puck, Artie and Kurt."

Blaine looked back at the corner Kurt had been in with the catholic school girl, surprised to see it empty. Not too worried, he grabbed Puck and Artie, the five of them making their way out to the main room and grabbing a table close to the action just as the show started.

"So Hudson's gonna be in the show? That fucker won't..._Whoa._ Why's Hummel up on stage with the two hottest strippers?" Puck demanded, pointing with his beer at the stage where a drunken Kurt was sitting on chair, Laci and Lavender dancing around him.

"Finn's supposed to be up there, not him!" Mike cried, glancing at the stage. "Is he that drunk?"

"Wait. Where's Finn if Kurt's on stage?" Sam questioned.

"I think I saw him by the bathroom," Artie volunteered, his eyes glued to the stage where Kurt was currently taking a body shot out of Laci's breasts.

"Freaking Hudson has to take a crap at the worst times," Puck grumbled. "Berry must've trained the fun out of him."

"Can I get you boys more to drink?" The same waitress they'd had in the private room appeared at their table. "Maybe something for the groom when he's done on stage?"

"Yeah, I'll have a...wait. What?" Blaine trailed off, the waitress' words bouncing around his head.

"Hold up." Even in his drunken state, Puck had caught on to her words just as Blaine had. "What did you say?"

"I asked if you wanted to order something for the groom, since he's working up quite a sweat on the stage." She nodded to Kurt, who was currently being used as a stripper pole.

"You think he's the groom?" Blaine questioned. "Him?"

"Well he's the one who's been getting all the lap dances you've paid for all night," she replied.

"_Whoa_!" Puck jumped up, pointing at the stage. "He's been getting all the lap dances? He's not the groom! The groom is tall, slightly fat and definitely not gay!"

"You said, you said, the one in the blue shirt!" she cried. "None of you have a blue shirt on except for him." She walked away, another table beckoning her.

"Hudson better get his ass out of the can," Puck announced once she left. "He needs to be up on that stage."

"Wait a minute. Has anyone actually seen Finn recently?" Mike asked once she left. "You saw him in the bathroom, right Artie?"

Artie shifted uncomfortably. "Not exactly. I just saw the shirt when I rolled by the urinals. Puck saw him at the bar though."

Puck shook his head. "No. Just the shirt."

"So...no one's actually _seen_ Finn recently?" Artie asked slowly. "Or talked to him?"

"He's here. He has to be," Blaine replied confidently. He glanced around the table. "Right?"

"Finn's totally here. He wouldn't ruin his party like this. That's more of a Berry move," Puck decided. "I bet she and Hummel kidnapped him. She's probably got him locked up somewhere."

"Or he could just be somewhere in the club," Mike said thoughtfully.

"It's a conspiracy, I'm telling you," Puck insisted. "Berry just wants to make us look bad so she has something to bitch about. She'll be all _"you lost my husband, Noah_," every time something happens. We'll _never_ hear the end of it."

"But where would she hide him?" Sam slurred, completely buying into this theory. "That's not an easy body to hide, unless she went all Houdini and cut him in half."

"Guys, he's in this club somewhere," Mike insisted. "We just have to split up and find him. Puck and I will take the first floor, Blaine and Sam can take the second."

"What about Hummel?" Sam asked, pointing to the stage where Kurt was still starring in the show, two different bikini tops around his neck.

"Blaine, give Abrams your wallet. He'll stay here and keep the lap dances flowing for Hummel. He finds out Finn's MIA, he'll be on the phone with Berry and she'll be down here to kill us before he even hangs up," Puck directed.

Artie nodded, holding out his hand for Blaine's wallet.

"Everyone understand the mission?" Mike asked. He looked around, waiting for the nods of approval. "Alright. Operation Find Finn is a go. Meet here in 20 minutes."

The directive issued, the boys split up, determined to find the real groom before the bride could.

* * *

><p>"I'm still ignoring you, but I just wanted to let you know that this isn't funny."<p>

Finn sat on his end of the couch, playing with his beer. He eyed the beer he'd brought for Rachel, frowning when he saw that it was _still_ sitting where he'd left it, on the floor next to the couch since she'd refused to take it from him.

"Rachel! You're seriously still pissed about this?" he exploded, waving his hands wildly in the air, beer spilling on him. "How many times do I have to tell you I didn't want to be rude? She made me touch her! Ask Vlad!"

Rachel maintained her stony silence, enraging him further. "Did I say anything when Kurt told me you danced with what's his name at that prom thing you went to? You can't be mad at me for this!"

The alcohol playing with his emotions, his anger dissipated and he scooted closer to Rachel, wrapping his arms around her and pinning her to the couch. Quickly, before she could slap him, he buried his face in her neck. "Baby, I'm so sorry. Talk to me, please, baby. You know I hate not being able to talk to you."

Her perfume was making him wild and he began kissing her neck, his hands holding her close. "Rachel, baby please."

She seemed unmoved by his pleas and he stepped it up, dragging his hand up her chest. His hands cupped her breasts, squeezing lightly as he kissed along her jawline. "Baby, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

He noticed she wasn't objecting to his hands on her and he decided to press his luck, slipping his hands under the bodice of the dress to cup her bare breasts. They felt a little bigger than he remembered (not to mention slightly different) but he figured it had been hours since he'd last seen Rachel's boobs and she could've done something to them in that time. He continued kissing, murmuring apologies between kisses.

He must've been making some progress because he felt Rachel's hand near his groin when he shifted and he grinned, assuming she was weakening. "I feel that baby," he slurred, placing sloppy kisses on her face. "I'm so gonna win this argument."

Her hand remained by his groin and he guided her hand to the button of his jeans, annoyed when she refused to pop the button. "Come on baby, there's no one here. The room is empty. Watch."

He sat up, pulling his shirt off before he resumed his sloppy kissing. "See baby? I took my shirt off and nobody noticed," he drunkenly murmured against her face. "Now come on. Your turn."

She resisted, her dress staying firmly on with the exception of one strap. He pounced on that strap, kissing the exposed skin of her shoulder. "You doing a striptease for me? I already like it better."

To his disappointment, the dress was lowered no further. "Rach, baby, come on. I already said I'm sorry like nine million times. Can we have sex and then talk? Or have sex and then you can go back to being mad at me?" he whined petulantly, shifting to look at her.

Rachel's hand was resting on his groin again and he sat up, grinning from the idea in his head borne of too many drinks. "Oh I get it."

He slowly lumbered to his feet, his body swaying side to side unsteadily As he turned to look shown at Rachel. "I know why you're mad. You're mad because I had an old lady stripper and you didn't get a stripper at all. Well get ready babe, because I'm about to change that."

Lack of music not stopping him, he immediately began singing _Bad Case Of Loving You _as he attempted to dance, tripping over his shirt on the floor and falling. He used the time on the floor to yank his shoes off, throwing them to the side. Once on his feet again, he danced over to Rachel, guiding her hands up his chest as he continued to sing.

He released her hands, popping the button of his jeans and unzipping them. Attempting to dance while removing his jeans was definitely not one of his better ideas since he promptly fell over into a large potted tree nearby. Both the tree and Finn fell to the ground with a resounding noise and he sat up, slightly annoyed at both the tree coming out of nowhere and the fact that Rachel seemed to have no reaction to his kickass dancing, which he took to mean that she was still pissed.

"Bad tree!" he scolded, pulling off his pants. "Bad! You're ruining my dance and then Rachel's gonna be even more mad at us. Stop cockblocking me, man!"

Freed of his pants, he stood up, glaring at the overturned tree before he turned back to Rachel. Grinning, he stumbled over to her, taking her hands once more to help him slide his boxers down. He released her hands, letting the boxers fall to the ground as he leaned forward to kiss her.

Pleased to see that her other strap had fallen, he got back on the couch, pinning her beneath him as he commenced kissing. His hands roamed under her dress in a reconnaissance mission, immediately finding her lack of underwear. Thrilled by this, he pulled his hands back out, trying to find the zipper of her dress. Unable to find it in his drunken state, he simply grabbed the material and ripped, revealing her nude body to him. "That's much better, baby."

She wasn't moving or trying to push him away, so he resumed his kissing and fondling. "Rachel, why are you just lying there?" he murmured between kisses. "You can touch too, you know."

When he didn't feel her hands on him, he paused his kissing to stare at her. "I bet you just want to cuddle right? I'm cool with that."

He stretched out out on the couch, positioning Rachel in front him before he spooned her. Rachel remained stretched out and he frowned. "Baby, you're not being a good little spoon. Come on, it's snuggle time." He pulled her close, holding her tight until he felt her bend a little. "Much better."

He yawned a little, snuggling into Rachel even more as his eyes closed. "I'm just gonna take a nap while you decide if you're still mad at me." Rachel didn't answer, so he tightened his grip on her. "I'm gonna wait you out. You're not leaving my arms till you aren't mad, ok?"

He sat up suddenly, another idea getting hold of him. "Just to make sure, I'm taking our clothes and hiding them so you can't leave."

His plan put into motion, he settled back on the couch, cuddling her body to his. "_Now_ it's snuggle time, baby."

Satisfied, he buried his face in her hair, idly noting something off about it. He didn't have to much time to ponder it, since the alcohol caught up to him almost immediately and he fell asleep, dreaming of the make up sex he'd be having soon.

_If_ he could get Rachel to talk to him.

* * *

><p>"Sorry. Haven't seen him."<p>

Mike frowned at this latest rejection, glancing down at his beeping cell phone. "Sam says they haven't found him, either."

"I'm so gonna kick his ass when we find him," Puck grumbled. "We've been looking for two hours. Where the fuck is he?"

A missing Finn had sobered up the group considerably and their initial search of the strip club had turned up nothing, so they'd expanded their search, asking all the bartenders and waitresses if they'd seen him, as well as the strippers themselves.

No one had.

Once that had been established, they'd checked the club they'd hit before coming here, but again were met with negative results. Dejectedly, they made their way back to their table at the strip club, where Blaine, Sam and Artie were already sitting. Kurt, having long finished his show on stage and still having no clue what was going on, was busy getting another lap dance nearby while simultaneously critiquing the costumes of the dancers.

"We have no choice," Artie said grimly. "We have to call Rachel."

"And say what? Sorry we lost your future husband?" Puck griped. "Once she stops screaming she'll tear us apart, starting with our jewels."

He placed his hand over his groin protectively, as did Artie, Sam, Mike and Blaine.

Kurt, busy offering Lavender drunken advice on what was left of her costume as she gave him a lap dance in just her skirt, glanced at them for a second before turning his attention back to Lavender, his words slurring together. "I really think you should rename yourself Aquamarine. That color would suit you much better."

"So who's calling her?" Artie asked as he shifted uncomfortably in his chair, a dancer's feather boa still around his neck. "Shotgun not calling."

"Not it," Sam and Mike chorused immediately.

"Blaine?" Puck looked at him hopefully. "You're almost her brother-in-law."

"Exactly why I shouldn't do it," Blaine responded quickly. "It'll be like salt in an open wound."

"Well I'm not doing it! She'll reach through the phone and strangle me," Puck cried. "She's bound to be pissed about the strippers and then I have to tell her this?" He glanced at Blaine hopefully. "Rock Paper Scissors?"

"Fine. Ready?" He waited until Puck nodded and got into position. "Go."

"Crap!" Puck cried when he saw that Blaine's scissors beat his paper. "Alright. I'll call but I'm not telling her. Let's feel her out first. Finn might be with her in bed and she could think the party's over."

"True. Let's see what she knows," Artie agreed. "Put it on speaker."

"Exactly." He dialed quickly, listening to the ringing twice before Rachel's sleepy voice came through his speaker.

_"Hello?"_

"S'up Berry?" he asked, trying to make his voice casual.

_"Noah? It's 4AM! Why are you calling me?"_

"Just doing a bed check," he improvised. "You know, to make sure you're alone in yours."

_"Of course I'm alone. Finn's with you guys. Who else would be in my bed if he's not home?"_

"So you've been alone all night then? Not even the rat's there to keep you company?" he stipulated, glancing around the group in concern.

_"I resent the implication that my bed is open to visitors, Noah. And on behalf of my Vladimir, I resent you calling him a rat. I've told you numerous times that he's a short-haired Chihuahua. As a matter of fact-"_

"So then I guess you've had no contact with Finn tonight?"

_"Not even a text, which I can only take to mean that one of you boys stole his phone. I would assume not you since I haven't received any lewd stripper photos. Something I-"_

"Yeah, gotta go." He ended the call, looking at the group. "She's clean. She knows nothing."

"Blaine! I need more money!" Kurt called over, Laci having joined Lavender on Kurt's lap, her hands running up Kurt's chest.

Blaine sighed, taking his wallet from Artie and handing over more money to Kurt who happily resumed his advice giving. "What's wrong with this picture? A stripper has all my money, Kurt's got a facefull of boobs that he doesn't even like and we're huddled in a corner."

"Can we just focus?" Puck snapped. "We need to find Finn before Berry does."

"How? We've looked everywhere in this club." Sam shook his head. "He's not here."

"He has to be somewhere," Mike pointed out. "He can't just have disappeared."

Puck tapped his phone on the table thoughtfully. "As much as it pains me to do it, I think it's time to bring in the big guns."

"Who? Rachel? No thank you," Artie shuddered at the thought of what she'd do to them if she knew Finn was missing.

"No not Berry. I'd like to live," Puck griped. "I'm talking about the ones who have an uncanny knack for finding things they aren't supposed to, the ones who live for gossip."

Sam grinned, catching on. "You think that's a wise move? It might backfire."

Puck shook his head. "I think it's our only option. They're together tonight anyway, so it's perfect."

"Who are you calling?" Blaine demanded, watching as Puck dialed a number.

Puck waved him off, holding the phone to his ear.

"Hello? Quinn?"

* * *

><p>"Puck? I'm here!" Quinn called out into the silent apartment. "Mercedes too."<p>

"In here, Q!"

They hurried towards the man cave, only to find five somber looking men, a Chihuahua and a passed out Kurt, sitting around the trashed room. "What's going on? Where's Finn?"

"Uh..." Puck ran a hand over his Mohawk. "We uh...kind of...uh...lost him."

"Come again?" Mercedes demanded, not quite sure of what she'd heard.

"What do you mean, lost him?" Quinn repeated.

"I mean, he's gone. Kaput. Vanished," Puck replied. "That big ass is off the radar."

"I don't believe this! Who loses the guest of honor?" Quinn cried.

"What is this, _The Hangover_? I can't believe you idiots!" Mercedes scolded. "This is why you don't drink yourselves into oblivion."

"We didn't _mean_ to lose him!" Artie defended. "It just happened!"

"Why didn't you just call the police?" Quinn demanded. "Or better yet, Finn himself?"

"We, uh, thought it would be a good idea to take his phone at the beginning of the party." Puck averted her gaze. "That way there'd be no Berry bitching."

Quinn dropped her head in her hands. "I don't believe this. He could be anywhere."

"Did you at least search the club?" Mercedes asked.

"No, we came home as soon as we realized we lost him," Sam sniped. "Of course we looked!"

"Don't get attitude with me, boy," Mercedes retorted. "I'm not the one Rachel's going to maim."

The boys all shifted uncomfortably, none of the looking forward to that moment.

"Well let me ask you this. When was the last time any of you saw him?"

"Um, well, there may have been a urinal sighting. We're looking into it," Artie replied, petting the Chihuahua on his lap.

"You're looking into it? What does that mean?" Mercedes cried. "Don't you all pee out in the open? How do you not know if it was him or not?"

"There were a lot of blue shirts at the club!"

Mercedes threw up her hands. "This is unbelievable."

"You think we wanted to play Where's Waldo all night?" Puck griped. "We lost out on a lot of stripper action because of this."

"Did you go anywhere else?"

"A club. But we're almost positive he was there," Blaine replied.

"What's with Kurt?" Mercedes asked, poking him. "Is he alive?"

"We think so." Artie pushed up his glasses. "He hasn't moved in a while though."

"What are you doing?" Puck demanded, watching Quinn reach for the phone on table end table.

"You've left me no choice." She dialed and held the phone to her ear. "I'm calling Rachel."

"Are you insane?" Puck hissed. "Berry can't know about this!"

Mercedes rolled her eyes. "I think she'll figure it out when he doesn't come home today. At least you didn't lose the dog."

"Of course we didn't lose him," Sam huffed. "He didn't come."

"Hang up, Q!" Puck insisted. He reached for the phone just as Rachel's voice came through, quickly hanging it up before Quinn could say anything.

"Puck!" Quinn screeched. "She knows it was me. She's going to call back."

The phone rang almost immediately, resulting in a struggle between Puck and Quinn. Puck won, answering and hanging back up instantly. "There. Problem solved."

He failed to take Rachel's curiosity and determination into account, since Quinn's purse started ringing next. Quickly, before Puck could do anything, Quinn held her purse close to her and sprinted down the hall, slamming and locking the bedroom door before Puck could get in. "Hello?"

_"Did you just call me?"_

"Oh. Yeah. Yeah I did." She paused, trying to get a grip on Rachel's mood first. "What are you doing?"

_"Well I **was** sleeping. Honestly, first Noah calls at 4AM and now you at 6:45. Hasn't anyone heard of a decent hour to call?"_

"Are you all alone?" she asked, not putting it past the boys to have been so drunk, they sent Finn home and forgot.

_"Of course I am! Why does everyone keep asking me that?"_

"No reason." She walked the length of the room, pausing by the door to the private terrace. "I just have to tell you something."

_"Does it have to be right now? I really need to sleep. I'm going to have to bring Vladimir to Lady Barkington's and decontaminate Finn plus make dinner before my fathers and Finn's parents get here for Daddy's birthday, since I'm sure Finn will be incredibly hungover."_

"Yeah, um, about that." She shifted, staring out the door at that stupid blowup doll on the patio couch as she tried to find the words. "You know what idiots the boys are, right?"

_"Of course. How drunk are they?"_

"They're all sober now, but..." She paused, noticing something moving by the doll. "Finn is..."

_"What? Finn's what?"_

Curious, Quinn opened the door and stepped outside, the phone forgotten as she cautiously crept towards the doll, which was moving again. She could hear Rachel talking through the phone but ignored it, trying to determine if she was seeing what she thought she was seeing.

Finn.

Snuggled up with the blow up doll.

Naked.

"_Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh_!" she screamed, dropping the phone.

The sound of her scream startled a sleeping Finn and he jumped, falling off the couch in his surprise.

His naked body now fully visible, Quinn screamed again and covered her eyes, not knowing what else to do.

Finn stared wide eyed at a still screaming Quinn for a moment before he scrambled to his feet, grabbing the doll to cover himself. "Quinn! What are you doing here? Where's Rachel?"

"Um, you might want to move the doll's head," she replied, too mortified to look at him.

He flushed, realizing as he looked down that the doll's head was right in line with his groin. He quickly readjusted the doll to a vertical position before realizing that was just as bad. "Um...where are my clothes?"

_"Q! What's going on? Why are you screaming?"_

The sound of her bedroom door being broken down disrupted them and they both turned at the noise. Puck and company came bursting through the terrace door a second later, adding to Finn's embarrassment.

"Oh my God!" Mercedes cried, covering her eyes.

"Dude! You're alive!" Sam cried. "And uh, naked."

"What the fuck is going on?" Puck demanded. "We've been looking for your fat ass all night! Why are you naked?"

"You tell me!" Finn snapped. "What the hell did we do last night? And where are my clothes?"

"I don't know what you did, but it sure looks a lot more entertaining than what we did all night," Puck replied. "Did you seriously fuck a blow up doll?"

"Where are my clothes?" Finn demanded, looking around the terrace for his clothes. "And no, I did not fuck an inflatable doll."

"I think you did." He raised an eyebrow. "Wanda was fully dressed when I last saw her."

"Can we figure out what happened fully clothed?" Quinn asked. "Give him some clothes, Puck, until he can find his."

Mike peered over the terrace railing. "You threw you clothes over the side! I can see them on that roof down there!"

"Wanda's too?" Puck asked, rushing over to see. "Jeez! You're sick man!"

"Can I just have some clothes?" Finn snapped. "It's cold out here."

"Fine." Puck marched inside, the rest following.

Finn waited until they'd all gone in before heading back inside, the doll covering him as best it could.

"Here." Puck threw some clothes at him, making Finn drop the doll to catch the clothes. Quinn and Mercedes each screamed and covered their eyes again, to the amusement of Puck.

"Dude!" Finn hissed, holding the sweatpants to his groin. "I'm naked here!"

"That's what makes it fun. Now hurry up and get your fat ass dressed."

Once they'd all left him alone, he'd hurriedly put on the clothes and rushed out to the man cave. To his annoyance, they'd saved him a seat with a still naked Wanda next to it. He flopped down on it, determined to figure out what had happened. "So uh...what happened last night?"

_"Quinn! Open this door!"_

The pounding on the front door, combined with Rachel's panicked voice, made Quinn jump up and run to the door. Rachel came rushing into the room a second later, her hair a mess and still wearing her pajamas with kittens ice skating all over them, the pants hastily tucked into a pair of boots. "Where is he? What were you going to tell me on the phone? Finn!"

She rushed over to him, examining his body and placing kisses all over his face. "Baby, are you ok? What happened?"

"He's fine, Berry. Q just found him naked with a blowup doll."

"Quinn saw you naked?" Rachel repeated, honing in on that one detail as she sat on Finn's lap. "How naked were you?"

"The Full Monty, Berry," Puck replied gleefully. Now that they'd found him, the entire situation was actually funny. "Hudson just wasn't at full mast. Mercedes saw him too."

"_What_?" Rachel turned to look at Finn. "How could you let Quinn see you totally naked?!"

"I didn't mean to! She woke me up when she came out on the terrace!" Finn cried, his head beginning to pound from the fact that of all people, _Quinn_ had to be the one to find him.

"How did you get out there in the first place?" Blaine asked. "How'd you get back into the apartment?"

"What do you mean? I never left," Finn replied, rubbing his temples. "Wait. You guys _left_?"

"Don't be stupid, Finn," Puck retorted. "Remember after Nurse Feel Good left, we were going to hit the strip club? We took two cabs. You were in the one with Mike, Blaine and Artie."

"No he wasn't. He went with you guys because he went to get Kurt," Artie corrected.

"No, you're wrong. When I came out of the can, the apartment was empty. He was with you," Puck argued. "Fritz _said_ everyone was in the cabs."

"Well apparently they weren't," Finn snapped. "I missed my own Bachelor Party because of you idiots. Didn't you realize I wasn't at the club when the strippers asked who the groom was?"

Sam ran a hand through his hair. "Uh, there was a bit of a mix up. The strippers thought Kurt was the groom. Apparently his grey shirt passed for blue in the dark club."

"I can't believe this. I spent the night outside with a blowup doll while you guys got to see real strippers." He sneezed once.

Rachel jumped off his lap. "Finn, our wedding is in 3 weeks. I swear to God, if you get sick now, I will _kill_ you."

"I'll be fine." He pulled her onto his lap again.

"What were you even doing out there in the first place, baby?" she asked worriedly. "And where are your clothes?"

"Uh..." He ran a hand through his hair, embarrassed. "I don't really remember. I just remember seeing what I thought was you out there."

"Wait. Hold up. You thought Wanda was Berry?" Puck cried, delighted at this. He turned to Quinn. "I told you it could pass for Berry."

Quinn rolled her eyes. "So this is all your fault then."

"Fuck no. I didn't tell Finn to fuck a blowup doll!"

"_Finn_! You were intimate with a doll?" Rachel cried. "What's wrong with you?"

"No! We just cuddled, I think!" Finn insisted. "I thought it was you!"

"Naked," Puck added helpfully.

"Shut up, dude." Finn glared at him before turning back to Rachel, sneezing once more. "Besides, you should be happy I was out there, since I apparently missed the good strippers."

"We should get you home and under covers," Rachel worried, concerned for her wedding as she climbed off his lap. "I'll make you soup. Come Vladdie."

The Chihuahua jumped off Artie's lap, ready to go home while Rachel pulled Finn to his feet. He put his arm around her as she slowly led him towards the door.

"Thank you for celebrating without Finn," Rachel called over her shoulder. "I'm sure you all had a lovely time."

"Hey Hudson!"

"Yeah?" Finn turned around in the doorframe to stare at Puck.

"Since we kind of had the Bachelor Party without you, we really owe you another one," Puck replied sheepishly, nodding towards a sleeping Kurt. "I mean, Kurt got all the glory. That should be you passed out."

"Yeah," he grumbled. "So not fair."

Puck nodded. "So same time next week?"

"Sounds good." He glanced around the room. "But uh, next time can you make sure I'm there?"

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: What's this? An update? Yes, 10 Days is back :)_**


	23. A Publicity Nightmare

**_Disclaimer: Glee is not mine._**

* * *

><p><strong><em>"If you weren't jealous every once in a while, you wouldn't be in love."<em>**

**_ – 90210_**

* * *

><p>"You need help, lady?"<p>

"No, I'm good," Rachel replied, opening the door to the cab before she carefully loaded her arms with the bags scattered on the back seat of the cab. "My boyfriend will help me, I'm sure."

"Whatever." The cabbie turned back around, zooming back into traffic the minute Rachel kicked the door shut with her foot.

"Hello Carl!" Rachel called out happily as she walked up to Finn's building, her arms filled with grocery bags and Finn's dry cleaning.

"Hello, Rachel." Carl held open the door for her, grabbing the bags threatening to spill out of Rachel's arms and holding them to his chest. "Let me help you."

"Thanks." She smiled gratefully at him as he led them to the elevator. "Finn home yet?"

"Got home about an hour ago," Carl confirmed as he pressed the button for the elevator. "He came down with Vlad right away but I haven't seen him since."

"Good. It's too cold for Vladimir to be out," she replied, watching the floor numbers change. "I think the weatherman said it might snow tonight."

"Well it is early February," Carl added as the elevator dinged, not at all surprised by this forecast. He handed the bags back to Rachel. "Here you go."

"Thanks." Carefully, she stepped into the elevator, trying not to spill anything. She waved her fingers at Carl as the doors closed, humming happily to herself as she rode to Finn's floor. The doors opened after a minute and just as carefully she stepped out, balancing the bags and her purse as she walked to Finn's door. Knowing he wouldn't have locked it, she reached out a hand, twisting the knob enough to push the door open with her hip. "Finn?"

_"Kitchen, babe!"_

Vlad came skidding down the hallway at the sound of the door, weaving through her feet as she followed Finn's voice. "One minute Vladdie. Let me just put this stuff down then we'll cuddle."

Finn appeared in the doorway, immediately taking the bags from her and placing them on the counter. He turned to greet her, bending down for a kiss. "Hi, baby. Dinner's almost ready."

"Good. I'm starving." She bit her lip as she stared at the grocery bags, pulling out some boxes to put in the pantry. "I probably shouldn't have gone grocery shopping when I was so hungry but I didn't have time to eat before my meeting."

"How did it go?" he asked, checking the pasta boiling away on the stove and giving it a stir. He glanced at Rachel out of the corner of his eye, admiring her body as she stopped her unpacking to take off her coat and drape it over the chair. He continued to stare as she resumed unpacking, pulling out more boxes and putting them in the pantry.

"They might send me on a book tour!" she announced excitedly as she pulled bags of frozen vegetables out of one of the bags.

"Really?" He paused his stirring to stare at her, holding out his free hand for a high five. "That's _awesome_!"

She accepted his high five, giggling as he slid his fingers between hers and pulled her to him for another kiss, the frozen vegetables pressed between them. Still giggling, she separated from him, walking over to the freezer and opening it to put the vegetables in. "Don't get too excited. My editor Eloise said that for a new untested author, that means stores around Manhattan and _maybe_ New Jersey, if the numbers are good."

"Still. You're going to be signing books, all famous," he replied, turning his attention back to the stove.

She smiled at the thought, opening the pantry to put away the box of Pop-Tarts she'd bought for Finn. "It'll probably just be me sitting at a table signing books for my dads, Kurt and Carole."

"You watch," Finn insisted, pulling two plates from the cabinet. "You'll be going all over the east coast, I know it."

"They _are_ giving me a publicist," she admitted as she pulled dog biscuits out of the bag and ripped the box open, dumping them into the biscuit jar. As was custom, she saved one biscuit for Vlad to taste test, handing it to the Chihuahua at her feet. "Eloise told me today."

"See?" he crowed, pulling the silverware out of the drawer. "They already know you're going to be huge."

She shrugged, throwing the box into the garbage. "They haven't assigned anyone to me yet but maybe by next week."

"Sounds like you had a better meeting than I did," Finn decided, grabbing two glasses from the cabinet.

Her unpacking done, she began pulling out soda for Finn and water for herself from the fridge, along with salad dressing and cheese. "Why? Did Santana bother you again?"

"Geez. You make it sound like I'm getting picked on on the playground," Finn sniped, dumping the pasta into the strainer. "But no. She wasn't even there. My meeting sucked because Will and my client hated what Artie and I pitched."

"You mean the new one for the sporting goods store?" she questioned, grabbing the salad off the counter and sitting down at the table. She waited for him to answer, filling his bowl with salad.

"Yeah. The client was being a real pain in the ass, nitpicking everything, so then Will did too," he griped, placing the pasta on the table as he sat. He picked up his fork, spearing his salad. "I told Artie that would happen."

She nodded sympathetically as she grabbed the salad dressing and gave it a quick shake. The cap not fully closed, salad dressing flew out of the bottle and landed right on her heart printed dress. "Oh no!" she cried as she surveyed the damage. "This is a new dress!"

He leaned over, dabbing at her chest with a napkin. "I like it. You look hot."

"That's the prevailing opinion today," she announced, using her own napkin to wipe the salad dressing off. "I better get this off."

"What do you mean?" He arched an eyebrow at her as she stood.

"Some guy told me that in the bathroom just after my meeting." She gave the stain a final swipe. "Is that stain chart Kurt gave you in your bedroom?"

"Yeah, it's…_whoa_." He jumped up, following her into his bedroom. "What do you mean some guy told you that in the bathroom?"

She pulled off her dress, staring at him in surprise. "I mean what I said. Some guy said that to me in the bathroom."

He sat on the bed, watching her yank her tights off. "Ok, back up. Start from the beginning and tell me why some guy is telling my girlfriend she's hot."

She rolled her eyes; pulling a pair of yoga pants out of one of the drawers she kept her clothes in at Finn's apartment and stepping into them. "You don't need to go all caveman; Finn. He was just in the unisex bathroom when I was and when we were at the sink, he complimented me."

"What did he say?" he demanded, watching her pull a top out of the drawer and yank it on before she marched over to the bathroom, consulting the chart Kurt had taped to the wall for Finn.

"Honestly." She glanced at him from the bathroom door. "If you must know, he said that he liked unisex bathrooms because he never gets to see anything as beautiful as me in the men's room."

Finn snorted. "Lame."

"I don't see you telling me anything like that." She turned to the sink, turning the water on to fill it. The water flowed as she rummaged under the cabinet for her travel detergent.

"What are you talking about? I just told you you looked hot," Finn cried, watching her add the detergent to the sink before she placed her dress in.

"There." Satisfied that her dress would be ok, she walked past Finn and back to the kitchen to resume eating. Finn followed, sitting back down across from her, staring as she calmly began eating her salad, dressing free. She chewed for a moment before speaking. "And there's a difference between hot and beautiful."

"It really doesn't matter since you're both," he pointed out, spearing more lettuce forcefully. "So what did you say?"

"You mean, did my answer involve the phrase _I have a boyfriend_?" she translated, taking a bite before she continued. She rolled her eyes again at his expectant phrase. "I believe my answer was something like _my boyfriend thinks so_."

"Good." Satisfied, he reached for the cheese, dumping it over his pasta.

Sensing this was dangerous territory, she switched to more mundane topics, careful to keep to them and avoid any mention of her bathroom run-in. Thanks to her maneuverings, by the time dinner was over things were back to normal, talking and joking as they fell into their usual cleaning routine.

"You staying over tonight?" Finn asked as he finished loading the dishwasher.

"Don't I always?" She stared at him in surprise. "I want to take an early shower and get in my pjs since we have to catch up on our DVR'd shows and _Pawn Stars_ is on tonight."

"Awesome." He followed her into the bedroom, waiting until she'd pulled off her shirt and bra to toss in the hamper before he pulled her backwards against his chest.

"_Finn_!" she squealed as he pressed kisses against her neck, his hands running over her stomach.

"Any chance of you fitting me in before you clear your DVR?" he asked between kisses, one hand slipping into her pants.

Her head fell back against him as he moved his hand in her pants, the other cupping her breast. "I might be able to fit you in."

"_Might_?" His hands stilled against her. "That just won't do."

"Finn!" she squealed again as he picked her up and tossed her on the bed. He knelt over her, kissing his way down her body as he removed her pants. He'd just begun to remove her panties when the phone rang, making him pause for a second. Deciding to ignore it, he continued push the panties down her legs, only to have Rachel push _him._

"I need to get that," she announced, already reaching for the phone. "Eloise said she might be calling."

"Great." He flopped onto the bed beside her, already half hard and desperately hoping she wouldn't take too long. He turned to her to watch her talk, admiring her naked form.

"Hello?" she spoke into the phone, kicking the panties off her ankle. "Eloise, how are you?... No, you're not interrupting anything."

He sighed, knowing from the way she was settling back onto the pillows that it was going to be a while. Giving up on his sex quest, he stood and walked into the bathroom, turning on the shower and using the bathroom while he waited for it to warm up. He showered quickly, letting the warm water rid the tension in his shoulders created by his disastrous meeting. Rachel was still on the phone when he came back out, although she'd managed to put on a bathrobe at some point in her conversation and he frowned at the sight as he walked over to the bureau and pulled out a fresh pair of boxers and pajama bottoms.

"Right. I'll talk to you later. OK, bye." She ended the call, hanging up as she stared at Finn. "You showered already?"

"Well I didn't know how long you'd be." He settled onto his side of the bed, turning on the TV. "Which do you want to watch first off the DVR?"

"Watch your stupid motorcycle show while I take a shower," she decided, climbing off the bed. "That way I don't have to suffer through it."

"Deal. But then I don't have to watch your _Project Runway_," he bargained. "You save that for Kurt. I don't care if he's team Top Gun."

"It's Tim Gunn," she called over her shoulder as she entered the bathroom. "And there's no teams. It's individual work. Well unless-"

"Boooored," he called back, already putting his show on as he settled back against his pillows, the sound of the running water accompanying the theme song to his show. He tossed the controller onto the bed next to him, his eyes falling on a piece of paper lying forgotten on the bed. "Babe? Who's Brody?"

"My new publicist!" she yelled over the running water. "Eloise just gave me his name and number!"

He snorted just as Vlad jumped up on the bed and climbed onto his lap. "Mommy has a publicist named _Brody_. Lame, right?" He grinned as Vlad wagged his tail in agreement. "I agree, dude. I bet he's a total loser."

Rachel emerged from the bathroom just as his show was ending, climbing into bed and snuggling against him as he perused the DVR list, looking for the latest episode of _The Big Bang Theory_. He'd missed the episode because he'd gone to a hockey game with Artie, but Rachel, who _had_ seen it, rested her head on his chest and frequently reminded him to "_watch this part because it's sooooo funny."_ He waited until they'd watched both _The Big Bang Theory_ and _Pawn Stars_ before he broached the subject of Brody again. "So…Brody?"

She nodded excitedly as she reached over and turned off the lamp. "I'm meeting him tomorrow."

"I hope he's not like the publicists I've had to work with," he warned as she turned over to let him spoon her. "They've all been tools."

"How so?" She turned her head to look back at him.

"They're just difficult, thinking they know everything about image." He placed a kiss against her temple.

"Well those are advertising publicists. I'm sure literary publicists are different," she decided, turning in his arms.

He rolled onto his back, taking her with him and settling her on top of his body. "I hope you're right."

"Of course I'm right. I'm simply going to meet with Brody tomorrow and he's going to help advertise me and my book." She pecked his lips. "He's like you, but literary."

"So he's a pretty kickass guy but dorky," Finn decided, running his hands over her ass.

She giggled and sat up. "I'm sure he's very dorky."

"Good thing you have me then." He slipped his hands under her pajama top, letting his hands roam over her stomach.

"Mmm. Who else is always ready and waiting to sex me up?" she asked, reaching down to pull off her shirt.

"That's true." He grinned as she tossed the shirt down the bed, moving his hands up to her breasts.

She placed her hands on his, massaging with him for a moment before she pulled his hands off her and scooted down the bed. Her hands slipped into his pajamas and she lowered her head, her hair falling around her as she worked him. Determined not to stop until he came, she alternated her movements, only slowing down when she felt him shoot into her mouth. She sat back up with a smile, slowly running her tongue over her lips.

He waited until his breathing slowed a little before he pounced, pulling her to him and rolling them over so he could return the favor. Their hands linked, he buried his face between her legs, enjoying the sweet sounds coming from her mouth as he worked her into a frenzy. Feeling that she was ready for him, he moved up her body and slid into her, his lips attached to hers as he began to move.

They came one after the other a few minutes later. Exhausted, Finn collapsed on top of her, burying his face in her neck. He pressed a few kisses on her neck before kissing along her jaw. "I love you," he murmured between kisses, rolling them over and pulling her on top of him.

"Love you too." She smiled at the thought, propping her head up on his chest to look at him. "Do you realize our first Valentine's Day is coming?"

"I did." He grinned, his fingers running along her bare back.

"Did you buy me something pretty?"

"I might have." He grinned at her pout. "But actually, I was thinking we could go away for the weekend. How do you feel about Bermuda?"

"Really?" she squealed, sitting up astride him in her excitement. "I...oh."

"What?" he asked, sensing a problem.

"I can't go to Bermuda." She frowned at the thought.

"Well it doesn't have to be Bermuda. We could go wherever you want." He smiled, running his hands up her sides to caress her breasts.

"No, I can't go _anywhere_," she clarified. "When I spoke to Brody before, he said we have so much to do, he'd probably need me on weekends too."

"Oh." He pulled her face down to his, kissing away her frown. "Don't worry about it, baby. We can go away another time."

"You're not mad?" she asked worriedly, cuddling into his side.

He kissed her head. "We can just go out to dinner instead."

"Are you sure?" She scissored her legs with his, pulling the blankets up over them.

"Positive. I'll make the reservations tomorrow. You just focus on finding something easy for me to rip off you."

She giggled. "Deal."

"Promise?"

"Cross my heart," she assured him. "Easy access."

"My favorite words." He kissed her temple, holding her close. "Valentine's Day is going to be awesome."

She giggled again. "How can it not be? It's got your two favorite things, sex and food."

"Three things," he clarified. "Sex, food and you but not in that order."

"Glad to know I don't necessarily rank behind food," she quipped.

"Nope. Not unless you're covered in food..." he trailed off, mind running wild with possibilities.

"Not gonna happen, so don't even go there," Rachel warned with a yawn.

"Go to sleep, baby. You've got a big day tomorrow." He stroked her hair, holding her close to his chest.

She smiled against his skin. "That's right I do. When I spoke to Brody before, he said starting tomorrow I'm on my way to being a best selling author. I can't wait."

"Me neither, babe." He ran his fingers across her skin softly. "Me neither."

* * *

><p><strong><em>Brody says he really thinks he can market me! See you at your apartment…XO<em>**

Thrilled at Rachel's text message, Finn turned off his computer, anxious to get home and hear all about Rachel's meeting. He reached for his backpack on the floor, grabbing files off his desk that he'd need and shoving them in.

"You getting ready to leave?"

"Yeah. I'm done. I wanna get home and see how Rachel's meeting went," he replied as he glanced up at Artie in his doorway, zipping up his backpack at the same time. "She's been texting me all day but it's stupid stuff like how much she loves her publicist and how Brody says she's got a bestseller so I want to see what she actually says."

"Oh. I'll walk out with you," Artie decided, wheeling back a little. "I'm done too."

"Cool." He followed Artie to the elevators, holding the door open for Artie to wheel in.

"So you decide what you're doing for Valentine's Day?" Artie queried as the elevator zoomed downwards. "Gonna go with the weekend getaway?"

"No. I wanted to, but she vetoed a weekend trip to Bermuda because she's got all this book stuff going on." He stared at the doors, watching as they opened on the 14th floor to let more people in. "We're just gonna go out to dinner and I got her the jewelry she thinks I don't know she told Kurt to tell me about."

Artie grinned as the elevator resumed its downward descent. "You're so whipped."

"Happily so." The doors opened at the lobby and he stepped out, waiting for Artie to follow him out of the building. They walked down Madison Avenue together, parting ways at the subway. Finn continued on alone, all the while wondering how Rachel's meeting had really went.

His curiosity peaked the closer he got to his apartment and he practically sprinted the rest of the way, bursting through the door. "Rach? Baby where are you?"

He could hear the TV going and the fact that Vlad had come scrambling from the direction of the living room gave him a pretty good idea of where Rachel's whereabouts. Eager to hear, he followed Vlad back into the living room only to find Rachel on the phone.

"Hi baby," he murmured, leaning over the couch to kiss her forehead only to have Rachel stop him with a finger to his lips

"…Right, that sounds good. I'll see you then!" she bubbled, patting his cheek as a greeting before she stood up and began walking around the room as she listened to whatever was being said on the phone. "Ok, bye!"

"Who was that?" he asked once Rachel had hung up.

"Brody. He says he's got lots of good ideas." Her eyes were shining at the thought, making Finn smile.

"So it went well?"

"It was amazing." Her eyes lit up as she remembered something. "Oh! Get this! Brody is the guy who called me hot in the bathroom! Isn't that a riot?"

"Hysterical," Finn muttered, immediately on guard.

"We just laughed about it over lunch," Rachel gushed. "He's worked with Cassandra July, you know."

"Yeah?" He stared, having no idea who that was and not particularly caring.

"Apparently, she's a nightmare," Rachel gossiped. "Brody says she just wants it her way."

"So Brody's single then?" he questioned. "And not gay?"

"For now, although he did have a thing with Cassandra," she clarified, stepping closer to Finn. "And he's straight. He told me that when I met him in the bathroom."

"He slept with her?" he demanded.

She shrugged. "He says it's just part of the business."

"So he expects you to sleep with him?" he questioned, his tone hard. "Because I-"

"Of course I'm not going to sleep with him! Cassandra's just very needy and clingy," Rachel reasoned. "Brody knows I'm not available."

"He better," Finn muttered, already hating this Brody.

"It was so much fun meeting with him." She bounced in place, clearly excited by the thought.

"I bet." He wrapped his arms around her. "I'm glad it went….what's that smell?"

"What smell?"

He pressed a kiss to her neck, his nose registering a different scent that usual. "Your perfume is different."

"You noticed!" She beamed. "Do you like it?"

"You smell like my grandma," he replied bluntly, removing his arms from her. "Why'd you switch?"

"Brody suggested my other scent was a little overwhelming, so we went shopping for a new one." She grabbed his arms, attempting to wrap them around her again and frowning when he refused to cooperate.

"I bought you that perfume. You love it." He stared at her, clearly waiting for an answer.

"I do love it but Brody says I might trigger allergies," she explained, holding her arms out. "Cuddles please."

"So he'd rather you smell like an old lady?" he demanded, keeping his arms to himself. "That's not your targeted demographic."

"I think it's a fresh clean scent," she insisted, annoyed he wasn't cuddling her.

"Does Brody think that too?" He resisted the urge to roll his eyes but was unable to keep the sarcasm out of his voice.

"Actually he was the one who picked it out," she replied seriously. "Now, I need some cuddles and you're the cuddliest person I know."

"I don't like it. Use your other perfume." He crossed his arms. "Seriously, it smells horrible. Go wash it off if you want to cuddle."

"Don't be ridiculous," she insisted. "Now come cuddle."

"Vlad doesn't like it either," he retorted, pointing the Chihuahua hiding behind his feet. "He hasn't gone near you since you probably remind him of that nasty old lady on the fourth floor who always complains about him."

"Vladimir loves it. I certainly don't remind him of Mrs. Collins." She bent down low, frowning when the Chihuahua refused to come out from behind Finn. "There's nothing wrong with this perfume."

"I hate it. That's what wrong with it." He flopped onto the couch, picking up the remote and turning the TV on. His attempt to ignore her failed, since she simply climbed onto his lap, attempting to kiss his jaw. "Baby, I'm serious. Go wash it off."

"Mmm. I need to get my cuddles first." She placed her hand on his cheek, the movement giving him another whiff of her perfume.

"Rachel _no._" He dumped her off his lap. "I feel like I'm getting kissed by my grandma."

She reached over, attempting to unbutton his jeans. "I don't think your grandma will do what I'm about to."

"_No_." He put his hand over his groin, preventing her from unbuttoning his pants. "Seriously. You should have blue hair and be sitting at a bingo table when you wear that perfume."

She rolled her eyes and stood up. "Fine. I'll go take a shower. Don't try and join me."

"Not an issue if you've got that perfume on," he called out to her retreating figure, sitting back down and flipping channels. He glanced down at Vlad, who'd brought his squeaky kangaroo to chew on the couch next to Finn. "You believe her, dude?"

Vlad didn't answer, choosing to stare at Finn as he chewed the kangaroo's ear.

"I'd just like you to know that many people find this perfume lovely," she announced from the hallway, having stripped herself of her clothes and standing before him in her bra and panties in a calculated move. "_Many_ people."

"I bet. You must be a big hit at the senior center." He turned his attention back to the TV, smirking as she flounced back to the bedroom.

She returned a second later. "I don't know why you're so against my perfume. I would think you'd _want_ me to wear it, if it's going to help me become famous."

He rolled his eyes. "Baby, perfume's not going to help you sell a book. Most people are going to read it and never meet you. Although it the book smells like _that_, then that could be a problem."

"Well Brody says-"

"I don't care what Brody says," he cut in. "I know what I like and it's _not_ that."

"I don't see what the big deal is. It's just perfume."

"Right. So switch it back to the one I like," he retorted. "Brody doesn't have to smell you. I do."

"There's nothing wrong with this one," she insisted. "I was due for a change anyway."

He pinched his nose in frustration. "Baby, go take a shower. I can't talk about this anymore."

"There's nothing to talk about anyway. Brody says this is my scent."

"Fine. Wear it," he replied, a resigned tone in his voice. "Do what you want."

"I will." Satisfied at getting her way, she marched back to the bedroom.

Finn sighed. He'd never even met this Brody and he was already becoming a pain in the ass.

* * *

><p>Brody became even more of a pain in the ass over the next week. Each meeting with Brody saw Rachel come home with something different. Monday's meeting gifted her with a new all black wardrobe; while Wednesday introduced Rachel to the wonders of eye liner. Friday came and knowing Rachel had a morning meeting with Brody, Finn spent the hours at work simultaneously dreading working on a difficult pitch and dreading whatever improvement Brody decided Rachel needed.<p>

"I'm telling you. This guy is unreal," Finn griped, leaning back in his desk chair. He tossed his sandwich wrapper into his garbage can. "Ever since he met her last week, she's been looking more and more like an old lady goth hooker."

Artie choked on his soda, while beside him Mike paused mid bite of his sandwich. Artie recovered first, pushing his glasses up as he stared at Finn. "Old lady goth hooker? How do you look like an old lady goth hooker?"

"She's coming here to drop off my clothes for basketball after her hair appointment. You'll see," Finn warned darkly, ripping a chunk of his sandwich off with his teeth forcefully. "She smells like my grandma and looks like she's using eye black to line her eyes. This douche apparently told her that it makes her look desirable."

"Does it?" Mike asked, taking another bite.

"Not unless you find the raccoon look hot," Finn replied bitterly. "I don't know what's worse, the perfume, the all black clothes or the eye black."

"Who's the publicist? Do we know him?" Artie questioned.

"Some dude named Brody. That's all I know." Finn shrugged, glancing at his beeping phone. "She's on her way up now."

Artie snorted. "What's Kurt say about her clothes?"

"He _likes_ them," Finn muttered. "He stopped over last night and the two of them were like kids in a candy shop going through her clothes."

"And she doesn't care that you don't like it?"

"She's like brainwashed by this douche. He's convinced her it's what she needs to do to be a best selling author." He rolled his eyes. "She's even wearing that perfume even though she knows I hate it."

Mike snorted. "Too bad you can't do the same to her. Kurt would kill you."

"That's why I got this." He pulled a bottle out of a desk drawer. "I was getting measured at Bergdorf's before and passed through the cologne department on my way out. It's the worst smelling one they had."

"Her new look can't be that bad that you're willing to smell like that," Artie reasoned, watching Finn splash some cologne on his neck.

"I'm serious," Finn insisted. "I feel like I'm dating a New York Jet with all that eye black she's got on."

"Knock knock!" Rachel knocked on the door a moment later, poking her head in before pushing the door open. "Hi guys! I just came to drop off Finn's clothes for when you guys play later."

Artie and Mike both watched wide eyed as she placed Finn's bag down on the floor and made her way over to Finn. As he'd warned, her eyes were now lined with a thick black liner and she was drenched in a strong perfume.

"Hi baby." Resigned to the eye black, he accepted the kiss she offered, letting her settle in his lap. "What happened to your hair?"

She beamed. "I didn't think you'd notice!"

"You look like you stuck a finger in a socket. Of course I'd notice," he replied, staring at her suddenly pouffy and thick hair.

"Don't exaggerate Finn," Rachel chided. "Brody suggested I get hair extensions and I must say I agree."

"Of course he did," Finn muttered.

"Artie and Mike like my hair, right boys?"

"Oh look at that, I've got to make a phone call," Artie answered quickly.

"Yeah, uh me too," Mike added, jumping up. Not about to get in the middle of this, he grabbed the handles of Artie's wheelchair and pushed him out the door, leaving a surprised Rachel behind.

"Well that was rude, but I can't say I'm upset about being left alone with you," she decided, getting off his lap and hopping on to the desk. "Come here."

He placed his hands on her thighs, never less in the mood. "I don't think so. Not here."

"Babe, sex on your desk is one of your fantasies," Rachel reminded him. "Now come on before I change my mind."

"Later, Rach." He rubbed her thighs. "Is this dress new?"

"No more talking." Not falling for his distractions, she climbed into his lap to straddle him. Her hands cupped his face as she leaned forward to kiss his jaw, only to pull away immediately. "Did you change cologne?"

"Yup." Pleased she'd noticed; he placed a kiss on her lips.

She pulled back again. "You bought a new cologne?"

"I did." Even more pleased that she _wasn't_ pleased, he kissed her once more.

She placed a finger against his lips. "Change it back. I don't like it."

He shrugged. "I think it's a fresh clean scent."

Her eyes narrowed at his intentional words. "You smell like a can of Pledge."

"That's funny because Antonia says I smell heavenly," he answered casually, hoping she noticed his phrasing.

She climbed off his lap. "Antonia?"

"The salesgirl at Bergdorf's. She couldn't stop smelling me," he replied smugly. "As a matter of fact, she called me a cowboy cutie."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "And you fell for that? She probably calls every guy who passes that."

"For your information, she doesn't. Antonia says that not every man can pull off Urban Cowboy," he retorted with a smirk.

"Lucky them." She stared at him. "Change it back to the Armani."

"You're being ridiculous, Rachel," he mocked. "I really think you're overreacting."

"So because some perfume slut calls you cute, you change cologne?" she sniped.

"Antonia's not a perfume slut. She happens to work the high end counter," Finn retorted. "Which worked out well, since I was due for a change in cologne anyway."

"No you weren't. Kurt and I picked out that cologne for you." She crossed her arms in annoyance. "It's an embarrassment to us that you smell like furniture cleaner."

"Well many people happen to like this cologne," he parroted. "_Many_ people."

"I hope you don't think you're getting naked with me wearing that awful cologne," she stated, playing her trump card.

"Just keep that perfume on and I'll steer clear."

"You're just doing this to annoy me," she decided, walking to the door. "It's not going to work."

"Good because I'm keeping this cologne. Antonia says-"

"Fine. Keep the cologne recommended by the perfume slut. It doesn't bother me." She stared at him, her eyes narrowed. "It doesn't bother me one bit."

"Awesome." He turned his attention to the pile of papers on his desk, trying to look busy by shuffling them.

"I'll see you at home." She paused, her hand on the doorknob.

"Try not to scare Vlad too much." He busied himself with his papers, not looking up.

"Vladimir _loves_ my new look. He's quite trendy for a Chihuahua."

"He hides behind the couch when you come over."

"That was one time and only because it raining," she insisted. "You know he doesn't like the noise."

"No, it's every...you know what, it doesn't matter." He pinched his nose in frustration. "I'll see you at home."

"This isn't over." She crossed her arms and glared at him.

"I'm sure it's not."

She gave him a final glare and marched out the door, leaving him to run his hand through his hair in frustration. His plan, though admittedly brilliant, had backfired big time. Rachel was now pissed, which he knew meant she'd be even more stubborn and determined to dress (and smell) like an old lady goth hooker. He loved the way she dressed normally, with her cute sweaters and adorable dresses and why Brody was changing anything was beyond him. And that's a problem.

A big one.

* * *

><p><em>"So then Brody said that Cassie said..."<em>

He sighed, flipping the channels as he half listened to Rachel regale him with Brody stories. So far, he'd heard all about how Brody had worked wonders with Carmen Tibideux, making her a household name just by deciding that her signature look should be a turban. He highly doubted the truth of that but let her talk, counting down the minutes until Puck arrived to watch the game.

_"I mean, did you ever? I couldn't believe it when Brody told me that!"_

"Unbelievable babe!" he called back to the bedroom, where Rachel was currently getting ready for yet another outing with Brody. He had no idea what Brody had told her that was so unbelievable, but in the interest of not having Rachel mad at him, he decided to placate her.

_"I knew you'd be just as horrified by that as I was."_

"It's crazy!" he yelled halfheartedly, more focused on deciding between watching _American Pickers_ or _OCC_.

Footsteps coming down the hall along with Vlad scrambling behind the couch signaled Rachel's arrival into the living room. "What do you think?"

Finn looked up from the couch he was stretched on to cast a critical eye on Rachel, who was currently spinning for his approval. He eyed the super short black dress and thigh high black suede boots with distaste. "It's not you."

"That's all you have to say?" she asked, disappointed. "Brody said I looked smokin' when I tried the dress on in the store."

"It's not you," he repeated, turning his attention back to the TV just as the doorbell rang. "But maybe you should ask Vlad. He's behind the couch."

"Oh no! I'm not ready!" she fretted, ignoring his comment as the bell rang again.

"You haven't even put on your old lady perfume," Finn pointed out, his eyes flickering over to her for a second.

Annoyed, Rachel stomped over to the door, composing herself before she opened the door with a wide smile. Her smile dimmed when she realized Puck was standing outside the door, a case of beer tucked under one arm. She frowned, her hand on her hip. "Oh it's you."

"S'up Berry?" Puck greeted as he strode into the apartment. "Someone finally punch you for annoying the hell out of them?"

Rachel narrowed her eyes at him. "Why are you here?"

"Finn invited me to watch the game, if you must know." He glanced around, looking for Finn. "Where is the fat ass?"

"His ass is not fat and it's currently parked on the couch watching TV," she replied. "Any other questions?"

He eyed her critically. "You getting ready for a hooker reunion? Gonna meet the girls at your old corner?"

She didn't answer, turning and stomping back to the bedroom. Puck watched her go with a smirk before heading into the living room where Finn was. "What's with Morticia Adams?"

Finn tore his eyes from the TV, his hands petting the Chihuahua installed on his lap. "That's the work of her new publicist, Brody."

"He blind?" He tossed Finn a beer.

"Apparently, although he's still able to tell Rachel how hot she is," he griped, gripping the bottle. "He's a total tool but she doesn't see it."

"Why don't you set him straight?" Puck asked, settling onto the opposite couch.

"Rachel would accuse me of going caveman." He rolled his eyes. "Plus, I've never met the loser."

Puck snickered. "He's probably Team Hummel."

"I don't think so," Finn replied, his tone doubtful. "He told her that her body is smokin' and he also told her he's straight."

"Could be in denial." He tossed a game controller at Finn. "This game blows. Let's play _Call of Duty_."

"Sounds good." He grinned, already planning on taking his Brody frustrations out on the enemy. He reached for the phone on the end table behind him. "Want pizza?"

"Fuck yeah."

"Awesome." He started to dial but paused, calling out to Rachel in the bedroom. "Baby, you want pizza?"

_"Don't you listen? You know I'm going out!"_

"That attitude from her new publicist, too?" Puck asked with a snicker.

"I think so." He rolled his eyes, quickly dialing and ordering the pizza and sending a text before they began to play. "Blaine's gonna pick up the pizza on his way here."

Rachel came floating in and out while they played, ignoring both of them and sending Vlad scurrying into his castle. They'd just started a new mission, checking a few buildings for terrorists and taking out one when the doorbell rang again.

_"Babe, can you get that?"_

He sighed, pausing the game. "Hold on dude."

"Maybe it's more of her hooker friends," Puck replied, unpausing the game to get in a quick shot at Finn.

"Don't call her that," he snapped, pausing the game and slapping the back of his head. "Even if it's true."

Ignoring Puck's smirk, he walked into the foyer, figuring it was Blaine with the pizza. He pulled open the door, ready to chastise Blaine for missing the start of the tournament. "It's about ti…Can I help you?"

To his surprise, an unknown man was standing at the door. His eyes raked over the tight fitting T-shirt and jeans before settling on the man's chiseled face and short cropped hair. "Can I help you?" he repeated, one hand on the door.

"Is Rachel here?"

"She's getting ready to go out. Who are you?" Finn asked bluntly.

"Oh! Brody, you're early!" Rachel cried as she came past the doorway. "I'm almost ready."

"_You're_ Brody?" Finn demanded, standing up straighter. "How'd you get up here? The intercom didn't buzz."

"I added him to the always allow list, Finny," Rachel explained happily, gesturing Brody inside. "I figured it would be easier."

"You look _hot_ Rachel," Brody announced as he stepped past Finn. "I've got a cab waiting."

"Oh!" Rachel beamed. "Let me just get my purse and then we can go."

Finn stared, seeing the source of his problems in a new light. Brody was currently standing there with a smirk on his face as he watched Rachel walk back down the hall to the bedroom, something that annoyed him to no end. Pleased to see that he had a few inches on Brody, he stayed silent, concentrating on not punching him in the face as he gripped the video game controller still in his hand.

The same couldn't be said for Puck, who'd wandered in to see what was taking Finn so long. "You done yet? I'm fucking waiting. Who's this?"

"I'm Brody. I'm here for Rachel," Brody announced smoothly.

"Brody's her publicist," Finn added through gritted teeth.

"You're the reason she looks like she's been punched in the face?" Puck asked instantly. "Not cool, dude."

"She looks hot. We're still working on sexy. She wants to get a book tour she needs a makeover, even with that hot body." He shrugged. "All the greats had to change their image. That's just the way it is."

"She didn't need a makeover. Rachel's gorgeous and insanely sexy," Finn shot back. "Although you'd never know that now since it's buried under all that hair and eyeliner."

"I agree. She needs a new rack, not a makeover," Puck added. "Try to get her to go for some D's."

"Yeah..._hey!_" Finn cried, turning to Puck. "I told you to stop checking her boobs out!"

"What? Like you wouldn't enjoy that?" Puck demanded, smirking when Finn clearly lacked a retort.

"If I decide Rachel needs them, she'll go no larger than a C," Brody announced in a smug voice. "Too many celebs make the mistake of going too big for their frame."

"She doesn't need new boobs," Finn replied through gritted teeth. "They're perfect the way they are."

"We'll see. Every author needs to have a body with go with their jacket photo. If I think Rachel needs boobs for that, she'll get them."

Finn glowered. "Look, I don't know who you think-"

"I'm ready!" Rachel bubbled, oblivious to the tension between the three men as she came back in and stood next to Finn. She smiled up at him. "I'll be home late. Have fun playing video games with Noah."

Annoyed by the smirk that appeared on Brody's face at Rachel's words, he leant down, grabbing her face for a deep kiss, his tongue exploring her mouth feverishly. Satisfied that he'd shown Brody, he stood back up; smirking at Rachel's dazed expression. "Have fun, baby. Love you."

"Love you too." She pulled him down for a quick, less possessive kiss before turning to look at Brody. "Ready?"

"Ready." He placed a hand on her back, leading her out the still open door and away from a seething Finn.

"What. A. Tool," he growled, clenching his fists.

"You better mark your territory because that douche is moving in," Puck observed. "Lay down the law."

"She won't listen to me! All I hear is Brody says…." he cried, running his free hand through his hair.

"Well you better figure out a way because he's practically got his hand in her underwear," Puck warned.

Finn gulped at the thought, clutching his controller. "I'm on it."

* * *

><p>Unfortunately, his planned method of making Rachel remember who she was dating -ambushing her with sex at the door- went out the window once Rachel called on her way home from her outing with Brody claiming she was utterly exhausted and wanting nothing more than to take a hot bath. Altering his plan, he'd grabbed all the votives Rachel kept around the apartment and scattered them around the bathroom while the tub filled with her favorite lavender scented bubble bath.<p>

The second part of his plan -waiting naked by the door to scoop her up and carry her to the bathroom- was ruined the second she opened the door and came in, since she wasn't alone.

"Finn!" she exclaimed, wide eyed as she paused in the doorway, Brody just behind her.

"Geez, Rachel!" He scrambled for something to cover himself with, grabbing a decorative bowl off the hall table as a last resort. "I didn't know you weren't going to be alone!"

"Hello, Finn. Looking...good?" Brody decided, his tone betraying the lie.

"I invited Brody up for coffee, baby," she commented, unbuttoning her coat and hanging it up. "Go get dressed."

He backed down the hallway quickly, his face scarlet and still using the bowl to cover himself. Rachel followed him, closing the bedroom door behind her.

"_Finn_! What are you doing? I'm mortified!" she hissed. "Brody's going to think we're sex fiends!"

"You're mortified? He saw my junk!" he cried, tossing the bowl on the bed. "I thought you were so exhausted?"

"Well Brody says we have more things to go over, so I invited him up for coffee. I didn't know you'd be naked." She wrapped her arms around him, kissing his chest. "It was a nice surprise though. I appreciated the view, even if Brody didn't. Now get dressed."

He moved his hands under her butt and picked her up, letting her wrap her legs around him. "But I have plans for us. I have a bath all ready, it's just waiting for two naked people. I'm already naked, so that leaves you."

"That does sound nice." Her hands played with the hair on his neck. "It's starting to snow and we had to walk back since we couldn't get a cab."

He leaned forward to kiss her, hoping she was weakening. "So tell him to get lost and then you can get naked. I'm available for massages too."

"Mmm, that sounds amazing but I need to take a rain check." She slid down his body. "I have too much to do."

"Come on. It's Saturday night," he pleaded, pulling her close to him. "Who works on Saturday night?"

"Finn, you know this is important to me. Brody says I'm still a long way from being ready," she admonished, stepping out of his embrace and over to the bureau, pulling out a pair of boxers for him. "I'd love for you to join us. You can put your plans on hold for a little bit, can't you?"

He sighed. "I guess so."

"Great! Go get dressed and join us for coffee." She beamed. "I'll go put the coffee on."

She bounced out of the room, leaving him no choice but to blow out all the votives in the bathroom, drain the tub and get dressed. The sound of laughter floating in from the kitchen only served to irritate him and he shoved drawers shut forcefully as he got dressed.

"There you are!" Rachel announced as he sullenly made his way into the kitchen. "Coffee's almost done and we're having some cheesecake. You want some?"

"That's the cheesecake my mom made," he replied, annoyed she was sharing it with _him._ His mother's cheesecake was _awesome_ and didn't deserve to be eaten by a douche like Brody.

"I know." She smiled, turning to Brody as she cut him a large slice and herself a smaller one. "Finn's mom's cheesecake is amazing. Wait till you try it."

"You really shouldn't be eating that, Rachel," Brody commented, putting his dish to the side as she brought a forkful up to her mouth. "It's incredibly fattening."

"I think she can have a piece of cheesecake," Finn snapped, annoyed at what Brody was implying about Rachel and also at the fact that Rachel hadn't cut him a slice. "Her body is amazing."

"No, Brody's right, Finn," Rachel decided, immediately putting her fork down and pushing the plate away. "I really shouldn't be eating this."

"Baby, don't be ridiculous. You love my mom's cheesecake." He picked up her discarded fork, holding it out enticingly.

"Finn, no. I can't." She shook her head, her mouth firmly closed.

"We'll set up a meeting with a nutritionist this week, Rachel," Brody advised. "I think it's necessary."

"Are you _insane_?" Finn cried. "Look at her body! She doesn't need a nutritionist!"

"Clearly she does, if she's eating cheesecake at night," Brody commented. "If you want, I can set up one for you, too. You look like you could benefit from one."

"Oh! We can be on matching diets!" Rachel bubbled. "I've been trying to get Finn to eat healthier, so this is perfect!"

"No Rach, it's not," Finn replied tiredly. "I might need to eat better, but you do not. Your body is _amazing_."

"Thank you baby." She leaned over and gave him a kiss. "But Brody says I'll really need to get in shape."

"Rachel..." He trailed off, trying to voice his argument a new way.

"Rachel says you work in advertising. I would think you'd know that image is everything," Brody added smoothly.

He glared at Brody, turning his attention back to Rachel. "Baby, I just think-"

"Brody's setting me up with a trainer. Isn't that great?" Rachel bubbled. "He says I should up the amount of times I go to the gym from four days to five days."

"Or more. I go six," Brody boasted. "How many days do you go, Finn?"

"Oh, Finn doesn't go to the gym. He gets his exercise playing softball and video games," Rachel answered for him, squeezing his hand affectionately.

"And sex. I burn lots of calories from all the sex we have," he added for Brody's benefit.

"Finn!" Rachel hissed, embarrassed. She turned to Brody apologetically. "Don't think we're sex crazed. Finn hasn't _worked out_ in almost a week."

"Only because I've been boycotting that awful perfume," Finn muttered, shoving some cheesecake off her plate into his mouth and earning a glare from Rachel.

Brody waved a hand dismissively. "He wants to be a tub, it doesn't matter. You, on the other hand need to take that body from good to _fine_ if you want to turn your book into a best seller."

"You know what? I'm gonna go to bed," Finn cut in, not wanting to hear another pearl of Brody wisdom.

"Really? Already?" Rachel asked, surprised but accepting the good night kiss he offered, noting that it was deeper than usual.

"Yeah, well, me and my cheesecake loving body are tired." He walked towards the doorway, whistling for Vlad. "Night."

He could hear Rachel protesting behind him but continued on to the bedroom, Vlad at his feet. Frustrated, he took a quick shower and got ready for bed, fighting Vlad for his pillow before turning on _Sportscenter_.

The TV was unable to drown out the grating voice of Brody, currently telling Rachel about the benefits of expanding her wardrobe and how real authors are never seen in the same clothing twice. He rolled his eyes, clearly picturing Rachel absorbing every word and raised the volume of the TV. This worked for a while and he'd started to drift off when the door opened. Vlad jumped up, immediately on guard as he growled at the figures entering the room.

"Shhh, Vladdie, you'll wake Daddy," Rachel whispered in what she evidently thought was a quiet tone.

"I'm already up, babe," he commented tiredly, not bothering to open his eyes. "You coming to bed?"

"Soon." She opened a drawer, pulling something out. "Here. These should fit."

Confused at her words, he cracked open an eye to see Rachel holding out a pair of _his_ pajamas to Brody, who shook his head. "What's going on?"

"It's snowing harder and I just don't feel comfortable with Brody traveling home in it so I told him he could stay here," Rachel explained, holding the pajamas out to Brody again. "I'm trying to find a pair of your pajamas that will fit him."

"Rachel, it's fine. I'll just sleep in my boxers," Brody assured her. "I usually sleep naked anyway."

Finn, less than pleased by the idea of naked publicist butt in his apartment, sat up and stared. "Seriously? He's sleeping over?"

"Do you need boxers too?" Rachel asked worriedly, opening a new drawer. "I just bought Finn some new ones. Baby, where's those Spider-Man boxers I just got you?"

"Rachel, don't kill yourself looking for them. Last time I wore cartoon boxers, I was five." Brody laughed. "I'll just sleep in my own boxers."

"You heard him. He's fine, Rach. Come to bed," Finn directed, annoyed at the snide comment about his choice of underwear.

"Let me just get Brody settled. I'll be in in a few minutes." She blew him a kiss, hurrying out of the bedroom with Brody smirking behind her.

"Great, just great." He glanced down at Vlad, who'd settled back next to him. "Mommy's douchy friend is gonna contaminate our guest room with his naked butt."

Vlad seemed to agree, thumping his tail against Rachel's pillow.

Rachel returned about twenty minutes later, quickly changing into her floral flannel pajamas and climbing into bed to snuggle up to Finn. "Brody's all set."

"Great. I was really worried," he replied sarcastically, wrapping his arm around her.

"I told him he could use your razor. I hope you don't mind." She sat up suddenly. "Oh! I didn't check that bathroom to see if he had clean towels! I better do that."

"I think he'll survive, baby." His fingers grazed her back under her top, hoping she'd lay back down.

"_Finn_. He's my _publicist_. I don't want him to think I'm a bad hostess." She climbed out of bed. "I'll be right back."

She hurried out of the room, intent on checking the bathroom quick. The door was partially ajar and she pushed it open just in time to see a completely naked Brody turn around. "Oh my God!"

"Oh, hey Rachel." He stretched, completely unbothered by the fact that she was staring at his nude body. "You need something?"

"I...uh...no!" Horrified, she backed out, slamming the door shut and rushing back to her room.

"You ok?" Finn asked immediately when she crawled quietly back into bed. "Did he say something douchy to you?"

She bit her lip nervously. "I walked in on him just now. Naked."

"Whoa! You saw him _naked_?" Finn cried, sitting up in bed. "That ass!"

"It's not his fault! He didn't know I was coming!" she soothed, forcing him to lay back down. "I just opened the door."

"Still. Who gets naked in someone else's house?" Finn demanded, not completely convinced of Brody's innocence.

"You do," Rachel replied, rubbing his chest. "You want me to list all the places we've had sex at both of our parent's houses?"

"That's different! I don't work with them," Finn clarified.

"Ok then. You want me to name the places we've done it in Artie's and Mike's apartments?"

"That was oral," Finn amended. "You weren't totally naked and neither was I so it doesn't count."

She giggled at his correction, laying her head down on his chest. "I'm glad you clarified that. Did Kurt tell you he's throwing a birthday dinner for Blaine on the 17th?"

"Yeah, I spoke to him today. I told him we'd be there." He paused. "So it goes without saying that I have a better body right?"

"Well Brody maintains a rigorous exercise routine," she responded idly. "He works out six days a week and refuses to eat junk food. His dedication is clearly paying off."

"You really got a good look then didn't you?" Finn griped, annoyed that not only had Rachel taken his question seriously, she'd obviously studied his nude body. "Was his junk to your liking?"

"I should apologize," she fretted, sitting up as a thought gripped her. "He wasn't embarrassed I saw him but what if he has time to think about it and then gets so embarrassed he refuses to be my publicist? What would I do then?"

"He'll get over it," Finn promised, secretly hoping that the scenario Rachel just laid out actually happened.

"Still. It was very rude of me to just walk out. I really should go apologize." She pulled the blankets off, climbing out of bed. "I'll be back in two seconds."

"Rachel no." He lunged across the bed, grabbing her hand before she could move. "Look at me."

"Finn, I just want to apologize-" She attempted to pull her hand from his grasp.

"_No_. He had all day with you. This is _my_ time." He held her close, turning and tossing her onto the bed. She squealed when he began pulling her with him as he crawled up the bed.

"_Finn_!" she protested as he came to a stop by the pillows, his head buried in her neck.

"My time," he growled, placing hot kisses against her neck.

"_Finn_! Brody will hear!" she protested, squirming as he kissed and bit her neck.

"Don't. Care." He nudged her collar aside, placing insistent kisses on her skin after each word. "Must. Kiss. Hot. Girlfriend."

She giggled in spite of herself. "Finn...Finn he's going to hear."

"Let him." He sat up, yanking apart her pajama top and sending the buttons flying everywhere.

"_Finn_!" she gasped as he attacked her breasts. "My pajamas!"

"Oops." He tugged on her nipple with his teeth for a moment, only leaving her breasts to yank off her pants. Satisfied at her bare before him, he quickly shoved his own pants down before grabbing her legs and pressing them against her chest as he leaned forward, her ankles on his shoulders.

"_Oh_!" she cried as he entered her forcefully and began to move, his hands cradling her face.

"You. Are. _Mine_." He pressed his forehead against hers, their noses touching as they stared. His movements were quick and insistent, never breaking eye contact as he thrust into her to emphasize each word. "_Mine_."

She cried out again at his movements, her hand moving behind his head to align his lips with hers. Her kiss spurred him on and he pressed back, his kisses possessive and his tongue claiming her mouth. Her body was responding to his movements and he could tell she was getting close, loving the way she was tightening around him.

"Oh God_! Finn!" _she screamed as he pulled out and pushed back in quickly, his eyes still locked on hers. He snaked his hand between them, pressing on her sensitive spot to help her come. Her walls tightened around him even more and she gave a final piercing scream before she fell over the edge.

_"Rachel!"_ He kissed her hard, swallowing her cries as she rode out her orgasm, his own orgasm just beginning. He pushed into her three more times before he joined her, collapsing on top of her with his hands cradling her head. Panting, he sat up and lowered her legs off his shoulders before he lay back down and rolled them over, keeping the connection between them as he rolled onto his back and pulled her on top of him.

"That was..." Her chest heaved as she lay atop him, her head resting on his shoulder. "Intense...that was intense."

"Yeah," he breathed, twisting a lock of her hair.

She sat up, staring at him. "What brought that on?"

He shrugged, not about to tell her the reason was currently lying naked in their guest room. "I was just in the mood."

"No, that wasn't it. You're always in the mood." She walked her fingers up his chest. "It's something else."

"Nope, just turned on."

She leaned down, snuggling against him. "You don't need to worry, you know."

"About?" he hedged, already knowing she'd figured out the problem.

She smiled, placing a kiss against his neck. "I'm yours, even without the intense possessive sex."

"Yeah?" He grinned into the darkness.

"Yes. You're stuck with me. So that intense sex was unnecessary, although not unwelcome."

"Consider it a Valentine's preview," he offered. "Since I plan on getting you naked as soon as possible."

"Mmm. I can't wait." She pressed a kiss to his lips. "Did you make reservations?"

"Not yet. But I thought we'd go to McKinley's, since that's where we met," he replied, rolling them back onto their sides. "We can have dinner there and then come back here. I'm even dropping Vlad off for a sleepover at his Uncle Artie's so we can have sex anywhere and everywhere. Sound good?"

She leaned over, placing a kiss against his lips. "Sounds perfect. Our first Valentine's Day is going to be amazing."

He grinned. "You know it."

* * *

><p><em>You have no new messages.<em>

For the umpteenth time, Finn checked his phone messages and just like the other times, frowned when there was no new message. He repeated the same process with his text messages, his ire growing at the blank inbox. Frustrated, he banged on Artie's door repeatedly until a surprised Artie answered, Vlad installed happily on his lap.

"What are you doing here?" He backed up, letting Finn enter the apartment.

"Picking up my dog." He reached for Vlad, annoyance written on his face. "Let's go home, dude."

"I thought you were picking him up tomorrow?" Artie ventured carefully.

"Yeah well since Rachel stood me up, I'm picking him up now," Finn snapped. "Is that all right with you?"

"Uh, yeah." He paused unsure of what to say. "So uh..."

"She went up to Boston with that plastic looking piece of shit who _claimed_ he didn't know it was Valentine's Day," Finn exploded. "They were supposed to be back by 8 at the latest and it's now almost midnight and she's still not back. So give me my damn dog and I'll see you at work."

Not bothering to wait for Artie to get Vlad's travel bag, he turned and stomped out of the building, making the quick trek to his own apartment building. Even more furious when he realized that his secret hope that a naked Rachel was waiting for him in his bed wasn't going to happen since they arrived home to a dark apartment, he carried Vlad into the bedroom, settling onto the bed to eat his cold dinner and watch TV.

"Here dude. You can eat Mommy's dinner," Finn decided, opening the Styrofoam box and placing it in front of Vlad. "She doesn't deserve it."

Vlad thumped his tail in agreement, busy wolfing down Rachel's meal and her dessert. Finn watched him eat sadly, trying to wrap his mind around the fact that he had a Chihuahua for a Valentine.

_"Hi baby." He cradled the phone under his ear while he searched for the file on his desk. "Don't forget. I made reservations for dinner tonight at seven. How awesome of a time is that? I mean, considering I called late, I was lucky to get that time. Awesome, right?"_

**_"Um…actually no."_**

_"Well it was either that or 9:30 and I know you don't like to eat after 8." He frowned, rummaging through his desk drawer for a stapler._

_**"I don't but…"** _

_He stopped rummaging, picking up on Rachel's weird tone. "But what. What's going on?"_

**_"I was thinking we could go out to dinner another night."_**

_"Seriously? But today's Valentine's Day." He arched an eyebrow, confused by this sudden switch._

**_"I know and while I love my flowers, don't you think it's cliché to go out to dinner on the actual day?"_**

_"Where's this coming from? You've been waiting for this," he questioned, immediately suspicious. "You've had a calendar countdown going for weeks."_

**_"Don't you think it would be so much better to celebrate tomorrow?"_**

_"I do not." He sat back in his chair. "It's our first Valentine's Day together and I want to celebrate with you on Valentine's Day, not the day after."_

**_"But I have my period."_**

_"No you don't." He smirked, calling her out on her lie. "You sent me out for tampons last Tuesday night because you'd gotten it then. So spill. Just tell me what's going on."_

**_"Brody's arranged to take me to a reading and signing tonight so I can see how it's done."_**

_"So? How long could that take?" he replied, resuming his search. "Go and then we'll eat after."_

**_"It's in Boston."_**

_"Are you serious?" he demanded, slamming the drawer shut harder than he intended. "What kind of moron schedules something like this for Valentine's Day?"_

**_"He didn't realize it was Valentine's Day. He felt really bad."_**

_"I bet he didn't," he muttered. "I hope you told him that's insane. I mean, it's one thing if it was in Manhattan."_

**_"I can't tell him no! He's my publicist!"_**

_"Right. Which means he works for you," Finn pointed out, growing more annoyed by the minute._

**_"Finn, you don't understand. Cassie July flipped at a book signing after she caught someone trying to forge her signature on line. She threw books! I need to be prepared!"_**

_"Well you do have amazing aim," he admitted, having been on the receiving end of it a few times. "But you'd never flip out like that. Can't you just prepare in Manhattan? I'll let you sign a book for me and Vlad before we go to dinner."_

**_"It'll be fine, you'll see. We're just going to hop on the plane, go to the signing and then hop back on the plane. Brody says I'll be back by eight at the latest. Then we can go to dinner."_**

_He sighed. "So you want me to change the reservation?"_

**_"Can you? Make it for later and then we can work it off in bed."_**

_"Yeah?" He grinned at the thought. "What do you have planned?"_

**_"I may have picked up some new lingerie."_**

_"Oh really?" He closed his eyes, already imagining the possibilities. "What's it look like?"_

**_"That's for me to know and you to take off later."_**

_"I'm gonna hold you to that," he replied with a grin._

**_"I look forward to it. I even plan on allowing dessert in bed."_**

_"Really?" His grin grew wider, imagining the fun they could have._

**_"Mmmhmm. I'll even lift my ban on chocolate sauce."_**

_He almost dropped the phone at her words; shocked she'd even go there after she'd been furious when he spilled his hot fudge sundae on the comforter (totally all Vlad's fault since he'd jumped up, but she'd blamed him). "Seriously?"_

**_"Absolutely. So I'll see you at 9:30 at McKinley's?"_**

_"You got it." Assuaged by the thought of combining sex and food, he resumed his search for his missing stapler. "So about this-"_

**_"Oh! Brody says the cab for the airport is here. Gotta go! Love you!"_**

She'd hung up before he could even respond and he'd quickly changed the reservation, eagerly looking forward to 9:30. She'd obviously been busy up in Boston, only texting him to let him know she'd landed safely and that she was learning so much at the signing, especially since Brody had arranged for her to meet the author. She'd texted once more when they were leaving the signing at about five o'clock, but he hadn't heard from her since.

He'd spent the day at the office, coming home to play some Xbox with Vlad and watching a basketball game before taking a shower and getting dressed in Rachel's favorite suit. They'd called a temporary truce on the perfume/cologne war the night before, so he slapped on the cologne Rachel preferred and headed out to drop Vlad off at Artie's, arriving at McKinley's about 9:20.

Rachel wasn't there yet but he'd been shown to the table, placing his present for Rachel on top of her plate. Not too worried when 9:30 came and went, he'd ordered an appetizer and a bottle of Champagne. 9:45 saw him get slightly nervous and he'd polished off a flute of Champagne and most of the appetizer as he'd checked his phone. She still wasn't there by 10 and wanting to get to the sex part of the night, he'd ordered their meals so she could eat as soon as she'd arrived.

By 10:45, he'd gotten the feeling he was the talk of the kitchen since all the waiters were giving him pity glances each time they passed his table. His own waiter soon returned with the meals he'd ordered and the manager in tow, who'd very firmly told him that while he was sure Finn hadn't been stood up after waiting for an hour and a half, they really did need the table. Humiliated since the tables around him were watching and all wearing matching expressions of pity, he'd finally gave in, telling the waiter to box up the food and bring the check.

Which brought him to his current dilemma, a missing girlfriend and a Chihuahua for a Valentine.

His anger growing, he settled back against the bed to finish his dinner, not caring when Vlad pulled a glob of cheese out of the Styrofoam to eat directly on the bedspread. Just to make his point, he left the remains of the dinner on the bed, changing into his pajamas and climbing into bed to wait for Rachel. His phone beeped, indicating a text message and he glanced at it, growing more annoyed with each word.

**_Almost home! Missed our flight! XO_**

Seriously? That's all she had to say? She was almost 5 hours late and that's all he gets? He tossed the phone onto the night stand, his anger growing. Vlad, fully sated from his large meal, curled up next to him and fell asleep almost immediately. Wishing he could do the same but way too angry to do so, he focused on the TV, his mind imagining all sorts of reasons why they'd missed their flight, ranging from her being so busy buying lingerie for their special night that she'd lost track of time to his personal favorite, Brody being run over by a wild luggage cart.

Still hungry, he got up to make himself an ice cream sundae, since the slice of cake he'd brought home from the restaurant wasn't cutting it. He thrashed about the kitchen, adding all the things to his sundae he knew Rachel hated and making a smaller version for Vlad. Carefully, he carried the bowls down the hall to his bedroom, settling back down next to Vlad. "Here dude. I know that cake sucked, so have some ice cream. Real ice cream, not that crappy dog ice cream Mommy buys you."

He started in on his own sundae, wondering when Rachel would finally making an appearance. He didn't have long to wait, since after about another five minutes of thinking of Brody dying in various scenarios, the sound of the key turning in a lock hit his ears.

_"Finn baby? I'm here!" _ He stayed quiet, noticing that she must've turned on the foyer light since he could see it under the bedroom door. "_Baby?"_

The footsteps he could hear were getting louder which meant that she was heading to the bedroom. Tentatively, she pushed open the door, obviously surprised to see Finn lying on the bed with Vlad next to him, watching TV and eating an ice cream sundae. "There you are! Why didn't you answer?"

"What are you doing here?" he answered flatly, watching her advance across the room.

"It's Valentine's Day. I came to spend it with you." She crawled onto the bed, settling at his feet.

"Why? My Valentine and I had dinner hours ago." He gestured to Vlad, the Styrofoam take-out box still in front of him. "We're just having dessert now."

"Very funny. I'm sorry I'm late but I couldn't get service and we missed our flight. Then we decided to take the train but our train was delayed due to track work or something." She shrugged, crawling up the bed to him for a kiss, surprised when he turned his head. "But I'm here now. Did you get me ice cream?"

"Lucky us." He pointed his spoon at Vlad. "If you want your ice cream, I'd follow him around tomorrow. It's bound to come out at some point."

"You gave it to Vladimir?" She stared at him in surprise. "Why?"

"Hmm. Let me think." He tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Because he, unlike you, was here?"

"I _told_ you. We got-"

He interrupted her with a large yawn, placing his bowl on the night stand. "Can you excuse us? We're sleepy from that huge dinner we had."

"Seriously?" She stared at him in surprise. "What about the Valentine's sex we had planned?"

He shrugged. "Maybe another time."

Her eyes narrowed. "You're seriously mad? _Why_? I told you I'd be late."

"_No_, what you told me was that you'd be back by eight at the latest." He rolled onto his side, away from her. "Night."

"Finn. Why are you mad? We left the signing and then Brody wanted to have some drinks to go over what we'd seen and we ended up missing our flight."

"_Whoa_! he got you to go out for drinks?" He turned his head, his eyes furious. "Let me guess. Champagne?"

She hesitated. "As it happens, yes."

"Sounds like you and your boyfriend had a good Valentine's Day," he commented sarcastically. "A trip out of the city and drinks. Lucky you. Now if you'll excuse me, _my_ Valentine is already asleep and I'd like to join him. Night."

Rachel didn't say anything, marching into the closet to grab something before she shut herself in the bathroom. Finn smirked, rubbing Vlad's head in triumph. "Awesome job dude. We totally made our point."

Any elation at besting Rachel he'd been feeling dissipated the second Rachel opened the bathroom door, since she emerged in the _tiniest _pair of pink ruffled panties and matching barely there bra he'd ever seen outside of a porno. He gulped as she came closer, determined not to forgot how mad he was at her.

"Are you _sure_ you want to go to sleep?" she asked coquettishly, slowly walking over to the bed.

"Yup." He rolled over, getting her out of his view before he lost his willpower to resist her. The bed shifted as she climbed on and he stayed still, ignoring the body pressing against his back and the hand wrapping around his chest.

"Positive?" she murmured in his ear, her fingers grazing his chest lightly.

"Positive." He squeezed his eyes shut, pictures of dead kittens floating behind his lids as she moved her hands lower. Quickly, before she could slip her hands in his pants, he rolled over onto his stomach in a last ditch effort to block her. Nonplussed, Rachel simply moved her hand to his rear end, slipping it under the flannel of his pajama bottoms and he groaned internally, summoning Superman like strength to resist her.

Sensing he was weakening, Rachel lowered her lips to his ear, her hand squeezing his ass. "How do you want me?"

He turned his head away from her. "On your side of the bed. Vlad and I are trying to sleep."

"Is that right?" She squeezed once more, running her tongue over his ear.

"Yup." He squeezed his eyes shut, relieved when Rachel removed her hand from his pants and hoping it meant she'd gotten the hint.

_"Oooh."_

No way. His eyes shot open at the noise. There was just no way Rachel was doing what he thought she was doing. She _hated_ touching herself in front of him which meant that she was desperate and breaking out the big guns to get him to forgive her. He squeezed his eyes shut again, torn between turning over to watch or standing his ground.

Rachel certainly wasn't making his decision any easier since she'd removed her bra and draped it over his head, moaning louder. Summoning every last bit of will power he had, he squeezed his eyes shut and plucked the bra off his head, tossing it back in her direction. "Not going to work, Rachel."

"Finn, it's Valentine's Day," she pouted. "And it's our first one. We should be having sex."

"Yeah? Did Brody say that?" he asked, sarcasm dripping from every word.

"Why do you hate him so much?" she demanded, slipping her bra back on. "Brody said you made him uncomfortable the way you were staring at him the morning after he stayed over."

"Hmmm let's think." He turned over, holding up his hand to list his points. "One. He's making you look like an old lady hooker. Two. He purposely planned this trip on Valentine's Day just to annoy me. Three. He called me fat."

"He did not call you fat!" Rachel defended. "He simply said-"

Finn ignored her, continuing with his points. "Four. He's totally putting the moves on you. And five? He looks like a plastic Ken doll. That freaks me out."

"He does not look like-"

"_That's_ what you focus on?" Finn cried. "Why are you defending him?"

"What is your problem? He's only helping me get on the Best Seller list!"

"No he's not! He's trying to get you on my list of ex-girlfriends!"

"I can't believe you'd think that!" She sat up, her eyes furious. "He's been nothing but a gentleman! You're the one who's acting like a douche, not him."

"I guess you would think that. All that eye black and bad perfume must be killing off your sane brain cells," he snapped. "I don't understand why you're doubting that the real you can sell books."

"This is the real me!"

He sighed. "No baby, it's not. The real you wouldn't let someone completely change their personality or look. This you doesn't even seem to care that you missed dinner or that the entire restaurant thinks I was stood up."

"I told you-"

"Save it. I don't want to hear your lame excuses again," he snapped.

"Why are you being such an ass?" she demanded.

"_I'm_ being an ass?" he exploded. "You're the one who shows up five hours late and expects me to be grateful you decided to grace us with your presence!"

"You've been an ass ever since I met Brody," she retorted. "I think you're jealous of him."

He gave a short laugh. "Yeah, that's it. You can discuss how jealous I am over drinks with him," he snapped. "Or better yet, why don't you save it for when you have dinner with him on our anniversary?"

"Maybe I will," she shot back childishly.

"Good. Better tell Kurt what you want him to get you," he retorted just as childishly. "Unless you want him to get you more eye black. I think he's got connections there."

Her eyes narrowed. "Don't you dare talk to me anymore."

"Not a problem. Don't you talk to me," he replied tersely. "Actually I'll make this even easier for you."

"What are you doing?" she demanded, watching him climb out of bed and grab Vlad.

"We're going to sleep somewhere else." He stomped over to the door, pausing for a moment to look back. "Happy Valentine's Day, Rachel."

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: This is broken into two parts because together it was closing in on 20,000 words._**


	24. A Publicity Nightmare, Part II

**_Disclaimer: Glee is not mine._**

* * *

><p><strong><em>I'd rather fight with you than make love with anyone else.<em>**

**_-The Wedding Date_**

* * *

><p>"So you two really aren't speaking?" Carole asked as she placed a bowl of chip and dips on the table. "I find that hard to believe."<p>

"Believe it," Finn replied grimly. "Valentine's Day was three days ago and we've barely spoken unless it's her telling me where she's going with Brody."

"But she's coming today, right?" Carole questioned anxiously, slipping a birthday hat onto Finn's head. "You two haven't broken up, have you?"

"No, we're just not speaking to each other." He ran a hand through his hair, knocking the birthday hat back. "She's being a stubborn ass, so she'll make sure she's here to talk to everyone but me."

"Is this a repeat of the article incident?" Burt stared, a birthday hat on his own head in place of his usual baseball cap. "Because I don't know if I can go through that again."

"We'll be fine," Finn snapped. "Once she wakes up and realizes what a tool Brody is."

"Why would he give her a makeover?" Carole took a sip of her wine. "Rachel's so cute."

"You know that and I know that but this jerk has convinced her otherwise." He rolled his eyes. "He won't stop talking about her hot body. He totally wants her but Rachel doesn't think so."

"And where is she? I'm dying to go through her new wardrobe," Kurt announced airily, placing a platter of appetizers on his coffee table. He paused, sniffing the air. "Does anyone smell furniture cleaner?"

"She and that little shit went shopping," Finn replied, taking his Brody frustrations out on the balloon next to his chair and wishing he could pop Brody's head as easily as he did the balloon. "They got their teeth whitened together this morning because apparently a best selling author's teeth _have_ to be a certain shade of white."

"Really?" Burt asked, grabbing a piece of cheese off the platter. "Isn't that a little insane?"

"You think?" Finn snapped. "He's totally making this shit up just to spend time with her. Yesterday he took her pen shopping for when she signs autographs."

Blaine laughed. "You can't be serious."

"I'm dead serious. Apparently, she needs a signature color and ink flow." He rolled his eyes again. "But if I say anything, I just get accused of being jealous and hindering her career."

"I don't know what your problem is." Kurt snatched the cheese out of his father's hand. "I've seen nothing but improvement."

He glared at Kurt, using his right hand to throw a couch pillow at him. "My problem is that she's letting this douche make her look like a hooker. It's not her."

"Rachel's right. You're just jealous. She looks phenomenal." Kurt rolled his eyes as he headed back into the kitchen. "A little heavy on the liner, but her clothing is fabulous."

"Shh. Here she comes," Finn hissed as the sound of the front door opening was heard.

_"Kurt? Blaine? I'm here!"_

"Hopefully alone," Finn muttered.

"Shh," Carole admonished before raising her voice for Rachel. "We're in here!"

"Happy Birthday Blaine!" she announced as she walked in, her arms full of bags and deliberately ignoring Finn. "Carole! Burt! So good to see you!"

"Rachel!" Carole exclaimed, exchanging glances with Burt as she hugged Rachel. "You look...lovely."

"Don't you love it?" She spun in place, letting Carole get the full effect. "I've been working with my new publicist. Brody's just _wonderful_."

In spite of the fact that Rachel's words were directed at him, Finn grinned; already knowing from the way his mother's eyes went wide that she was shocked by Rachel's heavily lined eyes and hair extensions. The fact that she was wearing a tight black shirt over a pair of black and white checked shorts and thigh high black suede boots he figured helped prove his case about what an ass Brody was.

"Aren't you cold?" Carole questioned, eyeing Rachel's short shorts.

"It's all for the cause," Rachel replied confidently. "Brody says I'll need to be making sacrifices like this all the time. That's why he only wears really tight shirts, so people can see his chest outline and see the benefits of working out."

"And to let you check him out," Finn added snidely before turning to his mother. "He's felt it necessary to set Rachel up with a nutritionist. You know, because she has such horrible eating habits."

"It _is_ necessary," Rachel snapped, acknowledging him for the first time. "You might like to eat cake and junk food late at night, but I do not."

"You do too! You eat that flavorless popcorn and that soy crap you call ice cream all the time!" he retorted. "You just won't admit it in front of him!"

"Since I'm not talking to you, I don't need to point out how wrong you are," Rachel shot back. "However, if I were speaking to you, I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that I eat popcorn _only_ for movies."

"And any TV show on at eight o'clock," Finn muttered, earning a glare from her.

"So Rachel, you need a birthday hat," Burt cut in, already sick of the fighting. He held out a cone shaped birthday hat. "Here."

Rachel stared at the hat in Burt's hand with distaste. "Sorry Burt, I'm afraid I can't put that on."

"Why? We all have them on." He gestured to the hat on his own head before holding the hat out to her again. "It's a party."

"Sorry, I can't." She pushed his hand away. "Brody says I have to be careful about what I do now and what I'm photographed wearing, since camera phone pictures can easily be uploaded to social media and ruin my career. Plus, it would ruin my hair."

"_Rachel_. It's a fucking birthday hat," Finn snapped. "We all have careers and none of us are worried about a picture of us wearing a party hat falling into the wrong hands."

"So Blaine, where's Kurt?" Rachel asked sweetly, ignoring her boyfriend. "I'm dying to show him what I got."

"I'm right here," Kurt announced, his hands clutching a bottle of wine and a glass for Rachel. "I saved you some of the wine you like."

"Kurt, wait till you see what I got!" Rachel announced, shaking the bags in her hand excitedly. "I go-"

"What. Are. Those." Kurt's voice was deadly calm, his eyes fixed on the bags in Rachel's hands. Carole, Burt, Finn and Blaine all paled, each instantly realizing what the problem was, their eyes darting nervously between Kurt and an excited Rachel.

"Wait till you see what I got at Barney's, Kurt!" she bubbled, placing her bags on the couch next to Blaine, who stood up and sat on the arm to avoid being buried by the pile of bags.

"What. Are. Those." He repeated his question, making the other occupants of the room squirm uncomfortably.

"I told you. I went shopping." She gestured to the pile of black bags next to Blaine.

"You _couldn't_ have. There's just _no way_ you'd do that to me," Kurt gasped, his hand on his heart. "And of all places."

"Well I would have invited you, but Brody says too many opinions can be problematic when shopping," Rachel explained, picking up a bag. "Now, look. I got-"

"How _dare_ you!" Kurt cried. "I thought we were friends! Clearly I was wrong if you went _there._"

"To Barney's?" Rachel asked, clearly confused. "What's wrong with Barney's? They have a fabulous-"

"Who _are _you?" He jumped up off the couch. "I don't believe this!"

"Barney's is Bergdorf's main competitor Rachel," Finn explained as he stood up. "I'm surprised Brody didn't say that."

"But Kurt, look what I got," Rachel insisted, ignoring Finn and pulling something out of a bag. "This black dress is-"

"Someone tell me I'm being punked," Kurt demanded, looking around the room. "I've been trying to introduce Rachel to new fashions and she not only does it with another man, she does it in the one store I've made my family vow _never_ to shop in."

"I think you're being ridiculous, Kurt," Rachel replied, rolling her eyes. "Brody says-"

"Just tell me one thing Rachel. Did you shop on your own?" he asked, his question loaded with meaning.

Rachel looked guilty for a second before attempting to retreat to the safety of Finn. He offered her nothing, stepping to the side when she tried to hide behind him.

Kurt gasped, a hand over his heart. "I don't believe this. Not only did you shop there, you used the Personal Shopping department!?"

"Brody says it's the only place to shop! He has a friend in personal shopping!" Rachel blurted out as Finn and Blaine each took a step backwards in shock.

"And what am I?" Kurt screeched. "Some random gay man who happens to hang around here a lot?"

"I didn't think it would be a big deal, Kurt!" Rachel replied, her hand on her hip. "Brody says-"

"I need to get out of here," Kurt breathed, still holding a hand to his heart. "I can't be around people who shop there."

"Still think this is an improvement, Kurt?" Finn quipped as Kurt stomped off towards the doorway.

Kurt glared at him. "Tell your girlfriend that until she comes to her senses and stops cheating on me, we're not on speaking terms."

"Nope." He rolled his eyes. "I can't do that, since Rachel and I aren't speaking either."

"How melodramatic of you, Kurt," Rachel snapped, annoyed that her wardrobe reveal wasn't going as planned. "But if you're going to be childish, I'll just show my clothes to Carole. And don't try and look."

Kurt gave a short laugh. "Like I'd want to see the cheaply made clothes Barney's sells."

"It's the same designers your store sells!"

"Maybe she can show you how to apply eye liner so you look like a raccoon too," Kurt offered to Carole snidely. "I hope you have an eye pencil for each eye."

Rachel gasped. "Brody says I need to make my eyes dramatic."

"Silly me. I didn't realize dramatic meant I had to make myself look like I've been punched in both eyes," Kurt replied airily to the room at large. "But then I don't have a Ken to tell me how to dress like Slutty Barbie."

"_Slutty Barbie_!?" Rachel screeched, feeling Finn's arms wrapping around her just in case. She turned her head to look at Finn. "Are you going to let him speak to me like that?"

He hesitated. "Well he has a point."

Her eyes narrowed. "I don't care. You're supposed to defend me."

"Why would I do that when you couldn't care less what I think?" Finn shot back. "Isn't that what you have Brody for?"

Without another word, she turned and marched into Kurt's bathroom, slamming the door behind her. Finn ran a hand through his hair before he took off down the hall, knocking on the door. "Rachel, get back out here. You're ruining the party."

_"No."_

"_Rachel_. You're being insane. Get back out here and stop making a scene," Finn demanded._ "**Now**."_

_"Go away. I'm fixing my hair."_

"Don't interrupt her while she plays with her hair extensions," Kurt sniped from the hallway. "How clogged are your drains?"

_"I heard that Kurt!"_

"You were meant to!" he called back.

The door flew open and she stomped past Finn, pausing halfway between him and Kurt. "Both of you need to listen. My makeover is amazing and this new Rachel isn't going anywhere. Brody says-"

Finn put his head in his hand. "Baby, _please_ form a sentence that doesn't include the words _Brody_ and _says_."

"Fine._ I've been told_ it's necessary if I want to get on the Best Seller List." She glared at him before turning to Blaine. "Can you inform your significant other that if he's jealous of my superior wardrobe and not speaking to me then I'm not speaking to him? And please inform_ my_ significant other that I'm still not speaking to him either."

"Rachel! You're being ridiculous," Finn stated, unable to keep the annoyance out of his voice. "But I'm still not speaking to you, either."

"Blaine, can you further inform Finn that I will be sleeping at my own apartment until further notice?" she announced before marching back into the living room and grabbing her bags. She stomped over to the door. "I'm sorry Kurt and Finn's jealousy ruined your birthday, Blaine."

"Can someone please inform Rachel that black and white high waisted checked shorts make one's ass look big?" Kurt commented to the room at large.

Rachel gasped at that. "How _dare _you? I'm a size two!"

"Size two or ten, those shorts make your ass look double the size," he retorted. "Barney's didn't tell you that?"

"Alright, that's enough!" Burt bellowed, making everyone pause. "Everyone needs to sit down and shut up. All three of you better park it on the couch. _**Now**_."

Finn, Kurt and Rachel all marched over to the couch, the same sullen looks on each of their faces. Burt, the party hat still on his head and his arms crossed, stood in front them. "Now what is the problem?"

"She's shopping at Barney's!"

"Her douche of a publicist is making her look like an old hooker!"

"_He_ is jealous of my clothes and _he_ can't accept that really is me!"

"I don't believe this." Burt threw up his hands. "You want to try, Carole?"

Carole nodded. "First of all, Kurt. Rachel shopping at Barney's seems to be the least of our problems right now."

"But-"

"Thank you, Carole," Rachel interjected smugly. "Kurt's just being a Drama Queen as usual."

Carole held up a warning hand. "I'll get to you in a minute."

"Ha!" Kurt retorted as Rachel pouted.

"_Kurt_," Carole warned before turning to Finn. "Finn baby, I think you two need to talk this out."

"I've tried!" he cried. "She doesn't want to hear that he's making her look like an ass!"

"He is _not_! You're just worried that he's trying to date me," she retorted.

"He got you to spend Valentine's Day with him!" he exploded. "You spent our first Valentine's Day with _him_ while I sat alone at a restaurant like a loser and ended up sleeping with Vlad in the guest room."

Burt, wisely sensing Finn's anger was reaching the kicking point, quietly moved the coffee table out of range.

"That was your own fault," Rachel retorted. "You're the one who insisted on ruining Valentine's Day with your pouting."

"My pouting? I guess the fact that you were off having dinner and Champagne with a moron had nothing to do with it?" Finn cried.

"Maybe they were discussing how to make her ass look big," Kurt offered snidely.

"Shut up, Kurt," Rachel snapped before turning back to Finn. "My having dinner with Brody was business. And I've told you repeatedly that I have no interest in him and he has none in me."

"Everyone can see it but you!"

She rolled her eyes. "Didn't we settle this with your display of possessive sex the night Brody stayed over?"

"Right, well..." Carole shifted, embarrassed. "I think you two-"

"I'm sorry you had to hear that, Carole, but Finn's caveman behavior of claiming me through sex was unnecessary since Brody doesn't want me," Rachel pressed, her cheeks pink.

"Open your eyes, Rachel. He does." Finn sighed, pinching his nose in frustration. "I hate the fact that you just shared our sex life with my mom but I hate the way he's changing you more."

"Do you see?" Rachel demanded of Carole. "Do you see how jealous he is?"

"For the last time, I'm _not_ jealous!" He stood up. "Do what you want. I'm going home."

"_Finn!"_

Ignoring her, he marched out the door and walked the three blocks to his apartment, his anger growing with each step. His phone rang several times while he walked and he pulled it out of his pocket only to put it on silent.

"Hey dude," he greeted Vlad as he entered his apartment, his tone dull. The Chihuahua followed him down the hall and into the bedroom, jumping on the bed to watch him go into the bathroom. "Better get comfy there because I'm gonna be in the shower for a while."

The warm shower did little to alleviate his anger and the shampoo bottle he threw against the opposite wall _definitely_ didn't, since the bottle exploded and coated the wall and toilet with Rachel's shampoo. Annoyed that even her shampoo was being a pain in the ass, he turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, running a towel over the wall before grabbing a clean one to wrap around himself.

Still frustrated, he stepped back into the bedroom, stopping short in surprise when he realized that Vlad was no longer alone on the bed. Rachel was sitting up against the headboard on her side of the bed, Vlad staring suspiciously at her from Finn's pillow.

"What are you doing here?" he asked bluntly, walking over to his bureau and yanking open a drawer. "Let me guess. You left your eye black here?"

"I came to talk to you," she responded quietly.

"Why?" He dropped his towel, pulling on his boxers and pajama bottoms. Arms crossed, he leaned against the bureau as he stared at her. "Shouldn't you be talking to your publicist?"

"I miss talking to you. I don't like not talking to you every day." She patted the bed tentatively. "Can we talk?"

"Fine." He climbed onto his side of the bed, installing Vlad on his lap and keeping distance between himself and Rachel. "So what does Brody say we should talk about?"

"Finn." She shifted onto her knees, placing a finger against his lips. "Shh. After you left, your mom and I talked and she pointed out a few things."

"Oh." He stroked Vlad softly, waiting to hear the rest of what she had to say.

"Carole pointed out that there's a difference between my public persona and my private one," she continued. "Brody's preparing me for my public persona."

"It's not you," he butted in. "You're not heavy eye liner and hooker clothes. You're more cute little dresses and funny sweaters, which is awesome since it pisses Kurt off."

She smiled. "So just because he's preparing me for my public life that doesn't mean I have to dress like this in my private life."

"Baby, that's what I've been telling you. You went from the Rachel I know and love to this completely alien hooker Rachel all because he decided he didn't like the way you looked," he commented. "You don't have to sell yourself to me. I'm sold."

"I just want everybody else to be too," she admitted quietly.

He sat up. "And they will be. People aren't going to refuse to buy your book if you wear colors or don't wear eye black."

"It's eye _liner_," she corrected.

"Not the way you're using it." He grabbed her hand. "Do you see what I'm saying? You'll sell books because you're an awesome writer, not because you have super white teeth or hair extensions."

She bit her lip. "But don't you think Brody knows what he's talking about?"

"Nope, not unless the topic's how to give a bad makeover while putting the moves on someone else's girlfriend," he replied.

"He's not interested in me like that," she insisted. "He's not."

"He is."

She placed a hand on his face. "Don't you trust me?"

"Of course. It's him I don't trust."

Her hand rubbed softly over his cheek. "Well if you trust me, you should know that absolutely nothing is going to happen. I'm yours, remember?"

"I remember, but does he?" Finn shot back.

She pursed her lips. "How about this? In the spirit of compromise, I will lose the heavy eye liner and what you call hooker clothes unless it's for an event relating to my book _if_ you agree to stop this nonsense about Brody wanting me. Deal?"

"And the perfume," he stipulated. "That's gotta go."

"I'll lose it if you will. You really do smell like Pledge," she bargained.

"I still don't even see why you need to have that look in public. You're selling chick lit, not Goth hooker lit," he mused. "But deal if you lose the hair extensions too."

"Deal." She leaned over, sealing it with a kiss before she pulled back, placing her hand on his stomach. "I have an idea."

"Oh?" He stared at her, loving the feeling of her hand running along his stomach.

"Well we didn't get to celebrate Valentine's Day," she murmured. "How about I go in the bathroom, lose this look and come back with a look I think you'll enjoy more?"

"Hurry." He grinned, already dumping Vlad off his lap to push down his pants as she climbed off the bed.

Rachel returned after a few minutes, wearing lingerie just as tiny as what she'd worn on Valentine's Day. She barely made it to the bed before she was attacked, squealing as he laid her out and stripped her of her lingerie. The frustrations they'd built up transferred to frantic sex, making their previous round of intense, possessive sex look like a walk in the park and leaving them both exhausted and breathing heavy once they were done.

"Love you," she murmured, collapsing on top of him to place small kisses on his jaw.

"Love you too." He rolled them over, pushing her hair off her shoulder. "So we're ok?"

"We're ok," she confirmed, her thumbs running softly over his cheeks. "I don't know about Kurt and I though."

"He'll get over it. You never signed the paper saying you wouldn't shop there like the rest of us did," he murmured, leaning down to kiss her lips a few times.

"I hope so. I have a few events coming up I'll need a dress for," she worried.

"I'll talk to him," he promised, more than ready to stop talking about Kurt and start having sex again. He pressed a few kisses against her jaw. "But right now, I think we need to celebrate Valentine's Day more."

She giggled, pushing him so that they rolled over again and she could impale herself on him. Her hips rocking back and forth, she leaned down, placing a kiss on his lips. "Happy belated Valentine's Day."

He grinned, loving the way she was moving above him and loving the fact that she was finally seeing sense even more. True, he hadn't gotten rid of the thorn in his side that was Brody completely, but Rachel agreeing to lose the horrible makeover he'd given her was a start (plus, he figured that Rachel's makeunder would piss Brody off to no end, which just made it even sweeter).

No matter what Rachel said, he _knew_ Brody was after her and it would only be a matter of time before Rachel saw that too. Since he trusted Rachel, he knew that once she realized he really did want her, it would be the end of Brody.

And that would just make this the best (belated) Valentine's Day _ever_.

* * *

><p><em>You have no new messages.<em>

Rachel frowned, hanging up her cell phone and glancing at the clock yet again. When she'd invited Brody over for a working dinner, she'd assumed he show up at the requested time of six o'clock but it was already ten to seven and Brody was nowhere in sight.

The dinner she'd painstakingly prepared was practically ruined, her casserole slowly congealing in the pan on the center of the table and her vegetables sitting limp nearby. She'd tried calling several times, but his phone had gone to voicemail each time. The only call she'd gotten had been from Finn, checking in on her between periods of the game he was watching at Artie's and promptly informing her that being late was a characteristic of a douche once she'd admitted to him that Brody had yet to arrive.

Things between them had improved drastically in the past week, possibly because Brody had been away on a press tour with Cassandra July and she'd hadn't seen him, but the more likely reason was that she'd gone back to her style. Truth be told, she wasn't entirely upset about this, since the look Brody had created for her was time consuming and she was constantly poking herself in the eye with the liner pencil.

In keeping with her promise to Finn (and also to make amends with Kurt), she'd attempted to take him shopping with her for some new pieces at Bergdorf's, knowing that he'd whine and complain while only suggesting lingerie and Kurt, fearing embarrassment at his place of employment, would be unable to resist stepping in and helping. As she'd suspected, a bored Finn had been regulated to a couch in the fitting room with a plate of pastries while she and Kurt shopped for some new, more sophisticated (but still her) pieces to supplement her wardrobe. She'd felt bad leaving Finn like that but she figured letting him loose in the lingerie department after they'd left Kurt made up for it (and using the lingerie he'd picked out _definitely_ did).

A knock on the door, together with Vlad's barking snapped her out of her musings and she stood, following Vlad over to the door. An indifferent Brody was on the other side, his eyes immediately racking over her body and she shifted behind the door, inviting him in. "Hello, Brody."

"Where'd that dress come from?" he asked immediately, eyeing her pink and white polka dotted dress before he glanced down at the growling Chihuahua at his feet.

"It's mine." She smoothed the front down. "It's one of my boyfriend's favorites."

"Really? I can't imagine why," Brody replied as he walked in, handing her a bottle of wine. He shook his head. "Your body is smokin' and you're hiding it in a toddler dress. We decided you were going to try for sexy, remember?"

"I thought you were coming over at six?" she questioned, leading him to the dining room. "Why didn't you call?"

"Trains," he commented vaguely. "Did the clothes we got you not fit?"

She shrugged. "They fit. I just felt like wearing this."

"And why is your hair up? I thought we decided it's sexier down?" he pressed, eyeing her ponytail.

Another shrug. "I felt like putting it up. It's just you."

"Your boyfriend's not here?" he asked casually, draping his coat over a chair.

"No, he's watching a game with his friends." She smiled, sitting down at the table, Vlad doing the same on the chair across from her, his eyes fixed on Brody. "It's just us and Vladimir."

"Great." He reached for the wine bottle, uncorking it and pouring her a large glassful before pouring himself one. "Cheers."

She repeated the sentiment, taking a small sip. "So what do we have to work on tonight?"

"Later. Let's just enjoy dinner." He reached over to pat her hand, his fingers lingering slightly longer than they should have.

"Oh." She withdrew her hand, placing it in her lap. "Did you talk to Eloise at all about a tour?"

"Not yet." He leaned close, dabbing at her face and ignoring Vlad's growls. "You have some wine on your lip."

"Oh." She wiped her mouth quickly. "So how was your tour with Cassandra July?"

"A nightmare as usual." He grinned. "She's not like you."

"No? How am I?" She took another sip of her wine.

"You're naturally hot," he replied simply, leaning close. "Is that dog ok?"

"He's fine." She frowned at a still growling Vlad. "He's not normally this rude. He graduated from the exclusive Lady Barkington's Obedience Academy with Highest Honors, you know. He had a dual major in Sit and Come."

"Uh, ok." He shifted his chair away from the growling Chihuahua and closer to Rachel, which only served to make the dog growl louder.

"Vladimir!" Rachel chided as Vlad continued to growl, his eyes focused on Brody. "What's gotten into you?"

"He probably just wants my food," Brody decided, eating quickly.

"Maybe. Finn frequently feeds him from the table, despite my objections." She took another sip of her wine, not particularly hungry since she'd eaten while waiting for Brody to arrive. "Vlad's developed a taste for beer, fast food and potato chips as a result."

"Are you not eating?" he asked, his tone approving. "We might be able to get you down to a size zero then."

"I already ate. At six." She stood up, slightly annoyed. "I'm just going to clean this up and feed Vlad. Come Vladdie."

The dog didn't move, choosing to focus on Brody, who stood. "You might want to get your money back from that school, Rachel. They didn't teach him that it's rude to stare?"

"Of course they did! He aced his etiquette class," she defended, moving to pick the Chihuahua up. Vlad snuggled against her, still staring at Brody. "_Aced_ it."

"Oh. Maybe he learned it from your boyfriend then," Brody mused. "He stares all weird like that, too."

Miffed at the insult to both her dog and boyfriend, she marched into the kitchen, quickly filling Vlad's bowl and placing him in front of it before stepping over to the sink to wash a few dishes left in there. Brody soon wandered in, his empty dish and both their wine glasses in his hands.

"So I was thinking that we'd go back to Barney's this week," Brody announced, standing closely behind her to place his dish in the sink, his chest pressing lightly against her back. He placed his hands on her shoulders, massaging softly. "You clearly need more clothes if you're back to wearing dresses like that."

Rachel tensed at his hands, turning around quickly. "Thanks, but _my boyfriend's_ brother is a personal shopper at Bergdorf's. I'll just go with him."

"Did he pick out this dress?" Brody asked, stepping closer to run a finger along the strap.

"No, I did," she corrected, pressing back against the sink in an attempt to avoid him. "So I'll just go with him, that way I don't take up more of your time."

"It's not a problem." He stepped closer again, reaching around her to grab the wine glass he'd placed on the counter, one arm still caging her in. "I like spending time with you."

"Still. I feel really bad." She sidestepped to the left, moving to the fridge and pulling a box out. "I made some pastries for us for dessert. I had to hide them in the vegetable crisper so Finn wouldn't find them and eat them, even though they're low fat and fruit filled," she babbled, not caring for the way he was looking at her as she got out plates and utensils. "Don't tell him that. He thinks the raspberry swirl bars he likes so much are made with cream cheese but I make them with low fat yogurt."

"I'm not surprised he falls for that," Brody commented, stepping close to her again. "He seems like the type to eat first and question what he just ate after."

"Why don't we take them inside?" She sidestepped him once more, shuffling towards the door.

"Sounds good." He placed his hand on the small of her back, leading her into the living room.

Rachel, acutely aware of his hand placement and not particularly liking it, quickly settled on the couch, relieved when Vlad followed them and placed himself on guard between them. "Do you want a peach tart or a raspberry tart?"

"Peach." He leaned over, placing his hand over hers as she attempted to lift the tart from the box. "Let me help you."

"I...I got it." She shook her hand free, handing him the tart.

Brody smiled, taking a bite. "This is amazing, Rachel."

"Thanks, Finn loves them, although he loves my cookies more," Rachel commented carefully. "He likes to lick the bowl when I bake cookies."

"Seriously, amazing. Here." He held out the tart enticingly. "Have a bite."

"No...no that's ok." She shook her head firmly.

"Come on, just one bite." He leaned closer, holding the tart close to her lips. He failed to account for the Chihuahua on guard between them, surprised when the tart in his hand was suddenly snatched out of the air by Vlad. "What the...? I thought you said he graduated with Highest Honors?"

"He did! He graduated top of his class," she defended, thankful for the distraction. "He even got the Lady Barkington award for distinguished behavior and that hasn't been given out in ten years."

"He's a thief," Brody commented, watching Vlad eat the pastry.

"I'm going to make coffee," Rachel decided, standing up and hurrying into the kitchen, more than relieved to get away from Brody and his accusations (not to mention his hands). She grabbed her cell phone off the counter, her fingers working furiously to send a text to Finn.

_**When are you coming home? I miss you. XOXO**_

She set about making the coffee, exhaling when Finn's response came back.

**_The game just started. Is the Douche still not there?_**

Damn. He didn't pick up on her hint to come home. She thought for a moment before typing out a response that was sure to get him on his way home immediately.

**_He's here, but I'm hoping he leaves soon because I REALLY miss you...and your hands, among other things._**

She smiled, knowing he'd automatically assume she was in the mood for sex from that text. Already feeling better, she grabbed the coffee jar, smiling even more as she heard Vlad's growls echoing through the apartment. She'd just dumped the coffee into the filter when she felt someone press against her back.

"Let me help you." Brody's arms came around her, reaching for the coffee machine.

"I got it." She ducked under his arms, the coffee pot clenched tightly in her hands. Her eyes focused on filling the pot, knowing without looking that Brody was watching her intently. Averting his gaze, she stepped back over to the coffee pot.

"You look seriously hot tonight, even with that dress."

"I know. My boyfriend told me before he left." She smiled nervously, still holding the coffee pot.

"Yeah?" He stepped closer to her. "I bet he didn't tell you how you'd much hotter you'd look without that dress."

"He did, actually." She took a step backwards, turning towards the counter. "He's always trying to sex me up. You saw."

He caged her against the counter, pressing his chest against her and placing his lips near her ear. "I can't say I blame him."

Startled, Rachel dropped the coffee pot, sending it bouncing off the counter and hitting the floor with a shattering of glass. "I...I need to clean that."

"Don't bother," he murmured, his hand slipping around her waist.

"What are you doing?" she cried as the hand around his waist held her tight, his lips touching her neck. She wiggled, freeing herself from his grasp.

He stepped closer to her again. "Like you don't know."

She grabbed a load of Italian bread off the counter, brandishing it in the air as a weapon. "No, I _don't_ know."

Ignoring her weapon, he stepped closer, caging her against the counter. "I've been dreaming about kissing that hot body ever since I met you."

"You know I have a boyfriend." She attempted to push him away.

"All I'm saying is that I'm your publicist. How can I properly promote you if I don't know all of you?" He lowered his head, only to get whacked with her loaf of bread.

She pushed him away, holding the bread out like a sword between them. "So all this time, you've wanted to date me?"

"From the moment I saw you in that bathroom," he replied, trying to step closer to her. "I knew who you were. I asked to work with you."

"You stay away," she warned. "Finn said you wanted to date me, but I didn't believe him. I thought you were just being a friend."

"He noticed?" Brody mused. "I have to hand it to him, I didn't think he'd catch on."

"Of course he'd catch on," Rachel snapped, still holding out the bread between them. "You know I have a boyfriend I'd never cheat on."

"This isn't high school. We can have an open adult relationship." He advanced on her, ignoring the whacks of the bread against his arm.

"How dare you!" she cried, hitting him harder. The bread broke from her actions and she looked around, grabbing Vlad's ceramic biscuit jar to hit him with.

"Rachel. This is how it works. It's part of the business," he enticed.

She ducked under his arm, scooting across the kitchen. "You need to leave. Now."

"But-"

"**_Now_**." She threw the biscuit jar at him, making him duck quickly. The jar hit the wall behind him shattering the jar and sending biscuits raining all over the room. Vlad came wandering into the room at the noise, immediately assessing the situation and parking himself in front of Rachel protectively, making Brody step back.

"Seriously? You're making a big mistake, Rachel. It's just sex." He shrugged.

"_Now_!" she screamed. "Get _out_!"

"Rachel-"

"Get. Out." Her voice was deadly calm all of a sudden as she pointed towards the hallway. "Now."

The sound of the front door opening was heard, followed a second later by Finn's voice. "Rachel? Where are you, babe?"

"In here!" she called back. "Come say goodbye to Brody!"

"Oh, he's still here?" His voice clearly disappointed, Finn appeared in the doorway a moment later, his eyes immediately surveying the scene. "What happened here?"

"Brody's just leaving," Rachel replied, stepping over to Finn and wrapping her arms around him. "He's also no longer my publicist, so this is really goodbye."

"Really?" Unable to keep the joy out of his voice, he smirked over Rachel's head. "That sucks."

"I'm tired, so I'm going to go in the bedroom now. I'm sure Brody can see himself out," Rachel replied, her voice suddenly taking on a much icier tone. "Good bye Brody."

Without another word, she marched out of the kitchen and down the hall, leaving Finn alone with Brody. Rachel having left, Vlad took up his post in front of Finn, growling lowly at Brody.

"You need to leave." Finn pointed to the door, his eyes stony.

"Tell her to call me in the morning. We have stuff to go over." Brody took a step towards Finn and Vlad.

"Nope." Finn moved closer to Brody, drawing up to his full height. "Don't think I don't know what went on here. I'm only going to tell you this once. Stay away from her."

"Or what? Your guard dog will attack?" He smirked, looking down at the growling Chihuahua.

"Stay away from her or your next meeting will be with my fist," he threatened. "Now get the hell out."

"She'll never get on the Best Seller list looking like that," Brody smirked as he walked past Finn to the door.

"If it means having to work with you, then good," Finn snapped, grabbing the door from Body and holding it open. He waited until Brody had stepped through before calling out his name. "Brody."

"Yeah?"

"This." He slammed the door as hard as he could in his face. Satisfied by the sound, he picked up Vlad and headed down the hall to the bedroom to talk to Rachel. Quietly, he pushed open the door, not quite sure what to expect. "Rachel? Baby?"

The door fully opened to reveal Rachel sitting on the bed, the phone in her hand as she dialed furiously. Silently, he climbed on the bed behind Rachel, pulling her between his legs as she held the phone to her ear, his fingers combing through her ponytail.

"Eloise?" she demanded into the phone, her hand rubbing his leg softly. "Yes, I'm sorry to be calling so late, but it's imperative I get a new publicist. Brody and I have had major creative differences and I'm afraid I can no longer trust him."

Glad she couldn't see the smirk on his face, he wrapped his arms around her waist, dropping soft kisses against her neck as she listened to whatever was being said.

"Right, so I'll need a new publicist. Is that possible?" She listened for a moment, smiling as she felt Finn place scattered kisses on her shoulder. "Really? Well ok then. I'll see you tomorrow, bye."

She hung up the phone, immediately turning to bury her head in his neck, her arms cradling his head. He held her for a moment, his fingers running up and down her back. "You wanna fill me in?"

"Brody made a pass at me," she mumbled into his neck. "Don't say it."

"I'm not," he replied, already saving his _I told you so_ for a more opportune time. "That why you booty-texted?"

"Yes. He said he's wanted to kiss me ever since he met me in the bathroom." She rested her head against his shoulder. "I thought he was really helping me but he just wanted to sleep with me."

Finn, his anger growing with each word, held her close, concentrating on not going out and finding Brody to beat him senseless. Over and over he stroked her hair, offering her what comfort he could. "Well he's gone now."

"I'm such an idiot. I really thought he just wanted to help me." She wrapped her arms tighter around him.

"You're not an idiot. You're just awesomely nice like that," Finn soothed. He lay back on the bed, taking Rachel with him. "I can't blame him for wanting to sleep with you though. I wanted to as soon as I met you."

"Really?" She snuggled against him, throwing an arm and a leg over him.

"Yup." He ran a hand up her arm. "I'm surprised I lasted as long as I did."

She giggled. "We slept together after a week. You think that's a long time?"

"When it comes to sleeping with you, yes."

She shifted, her head finding a more comfortable position on his chest. "You exaggerate."

"I'm not." He pulled her on top of him, letting her rest her head on her elbows on his chest. "Like I told Brody, you're like insanely hot, even without all that crap he made you wear."

"I just wanted to get on the Best Seller list," she replied, biting her lip as she stared at him. "But I guess I did go a little overboard."

"A little?" He arched an eyebrow, earning a gentle smack from her.

"Watch it," she warned, her tone teasing. "I could still go back to Brody. I doubt he'd be mad I threw Vlad's biscuit jar at him."

"You really threw a biscuit jar?" He chuckled, really glad he wasn't on the receiving end of that.

"Well he tried to kiss me," she defended. "Would you rather I let him?"

"Hell no, that's my job," he responded, puckering his lips for a kiss. He grinned against her lips, kissing them a few times before he spoke again. "So did you actually hit him?"

"No, he ducked," she admitted with a frown. "I did hit him with the bread though."

"Awesome." He held up his hand for a high five. "That works. I hope it was stale."

She giggled, accepting his high five. "It wasn't but I'm glad you approve."

"I do." He moved her hair off her shoulder. "You ok, though?"

"I am." She sat up, straddling his lap. "I just prefer to forget Brody ever happened."

"Me too, babe. Me too," Finn agreed. "What did Eloise say?"

"She's going to make a few calls, but she thinks she has someone." Sighing, she climbed off him. "I should probably go clean that mess up. I don't want Vladimir stepping on the glass."

The phone rang before she could move and she lunged for it. Finn, his hands stroking her thighs under her dress, watched as she answered, clearly excited by whatever she was hearing through the phone. She hung up after a few minutes, her eyes shining.

"Good news, I'm presuming?" Finn questioned. "Hopefully that Brody's shirt was so tight, he suffocated himself?"

"Finn." She smacked his chest lightly. "No matter how douchy he was, he doesn't deserve to die."

"How about he broke his leg when he got run over by a hot dog cart?" he offered, grinning when she laughed.

"As funny as that is, that's not it either." She giggled once more. "Eloise found me a new publicist."

"Yeah?" He squeezed her thighs.

"Yes. She said April's going to call me tomorrow." She shrugged. "She's out at a bar or something with a client now."

"Oh. It's a woman?" he asked casually, as relief flooded through him.

She rolled her eyes. "Is that ok with you? What if she's a lesbian?"

"That'd be kind of hot. _Ow_!" He laughed as she smacked his chest. "Seriously though. That's awesome."

"It is." She leaned down, kissing him once. "I do know one thing though."

"Yeah? What's that?"

"She can't be worse than Brody." She kissed him again. "She just can't."

"So that means you won't ever see him, right?" he asked hopefully.

"Nope." She giggled. "I don't know what April is like, but Eloise said she's always the life of the party."

"Life of the party?" He arched an eyebrow. "That mean you're gonna go on a bar tour?"

"Don't be silly. April's not a wild college student on a bar crawl. I'm sure that just means wine tastings with literary people," she decided.

"So you won't be coming in at all hours of the night to make me hold your hair back while you puke again?" he teased.

"That was one time," she muttered, annoyed he brought that up. "I'm never drinking that much again."

"Uh huh." He grinned. "What if April goes after me?"

"That won't happen," Rachel decided. "I'm sure she's much more professional than Brody. But just in case, you better tone down the cuteness."

"I'll try, but I can't guarantee it," he quipped. "And I can't tone down the sexiness at all."

"You better. I don't want my publicist stealing you away from me." She poked his chest.

"Like that would ever happen." He pulled her down for a kiss. "Just promise me one thing with this new publicist."

She returned his kiss. "What's that?"

"_Please_ don't take fashion advice from her."

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: I find it amusing that people were worried about Brody being in their lives. While I prefer to forget that the trainwreck that was Season 4 ever existed, there really was no other person to be the publicist. Brody was presented as a one dimensional character on the show, clearly only concerned with image, which made him ideal for what I had in mind. **_

_**Also, I hear the wheels of a purple Cozy Coupe rapidly approaching in the next chapter...**_


	25. Members Only, Part I

**_Disclaimer: Glee is not mine_**

* * *

><p><strong><em>First Pregnancy: You buy a ton of maternity clothes to show off that beautiful, blossoming bump.<em>**

**_Second Pregnancy: It's all about sweatpants._**

**_-Pregnancy Humor . Com_**

* * *

><p><strong><em>Mid-August<em>**

**_Ship Bottom, Long Beach Island, Jersey shore_**

**_Countdown to Baby: 2 months_**

"Ready Avs? One, two, three, jump!"

A look of determination on her face, Ava squealed and held onto her father's hand as she expertly jumped an incoming wave.

"Here comes another one. Get ready." He grinned, watching her squat slightly as she prepared to jump.

"_Finn_!"

He sighed, pausing his wave jumping, or in his case wave stepping, to glance back at Rachel, who was no longer camped out under the umbrella she'd insisted he set up, but was instead standing at the edge of the water, a bottle of sunblock in her hand. "She's _fine_, Rach."

"I just want to check her sunblock," Rachel fretted, a hand on her seven months pregnant belly. "You two have been in the water since we got here."

"We've been here like an hour. It's a vacation, relax," Finn pointed out as he helped Ava jumped another wave.

"Try three hours." Her eyes narrowed. "And how can I relax when she has your skin tone? You get sunburned from a light bulb!"

"You've already put sunblock on her _and_ me, she's got her life jacket and water shoes on. I think she's fine." He glanced up at Rachel's parent's summer rental home, hoping Kurt and Blaine would come strolling out onto the deck to distract Rachel.

Rachel said nothing, choosing to glare at him as she squirted sunblock into her hand while he and Ava resumed wave jumping.

"My family's not here yet?" he asked, his voice hopeful. Technically, this was the annual Berry family reunion, but his own parents had been coming for the past several years and for the first time this year, Kurt and Blaine were actually able to get off work and were coming down with Burt and Carole.

"Do you see them?" she snapped, carefully lowering herself to a protesting Ava's level and generously lathering her up with sunblock. "Stop squirming, Ava."

"I just asked. Anyone besides your dads here?" He stared at the house, desperate enough to hope for Rachel's weird cousin Jerry to come out and distract her. Just like her last pregnancy, her mood and attitude towards him could change at the drop of a hat (although so far his hair had been spared) and in his opinion any kind of buffer was welcome.

"Daddy's here. Dad went to go pick up Uncle Peter and Aunt Claudia from the airport but my Aunt Ruth and her family are starting to arrive next door. I saw Jackie pull up." She held out a hand, silently directing Finn to help her up. "Your turn."

He grimaced as she began spreading sunblock on his chest, Ava still jumping waves next to him. "Jackie and Bob are coming? They didn't bring Norton did they?"

"Of course they did," she replied, moving onto his stomach. "We brought Vladimir, why wouldn't they bring Norton?"

"That's different," he insisted. "Vlad's not a bathing suit thief."

"Well no one told you to go skin...swim like that," Rachel replied, catching herself in time.

"Really. That's not how I remember it." He arched an eyebrow, memories of his first time in Ship Bottom at the Berry family reunion flooding his brain. "Because I remember a certain someone taking off her-"

"You're clearly remembering wrong," Rachel cut in with a glance at Ava. "Especially since your's was the only suit stolen."

"Maybe we should ask your father," Finn muttered, the aftermath of his stolen suit and LeRoy's reaction forever scarred on his brain.

"Yes, that'll go over well," Rachel snapped, moving around to his back. "He'll be so _thrilled_ to relive that memory."

Ava, annoyed to have lost her wave jumping partner, tugged on her father's hand. "Come on, Daddy."

He glanced down just in time to see a rogue wave knock Ava over, the hand holding hers automatically gripping her tighter. "Whoa! Careful there, Little Dudette!"

"That's real great watching, Finn," Rachel griped, her eyes focused on Ava as she righted herself. "That could have been a rip tide which would have carried her out to sea to get eaten by a shark and then what would you have done?"

"She's _fine_." A sudden weight on his leg made him glance down. Ava, her eyes wide as she stared up at him, was clinging to his leg, her own little legs having risen out of the water to wrap around him. "Ava-roo what's the problem?"

"I don't want to get eaten by a shark!" she wailed, burying her face in his wet bathing suit. "Don't let the shark eat me!"

"That's real great parenting, Rachel," Finn mocked as he picked up Ava and immediately got choked when Ava wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Ava baby, Mommy was just being silly," Rachel assured her, one hand on Ava and the other on her own back. "There's no sharks."

"Yes, there are!" she wailed against his neck. "They're going to eat me! You _said_!"

"Avs, sharks don't want to eat you," Finn jumped in. "They know they're not allowed to."

"They're not?" She picked her head up slightly.

"No way. I'm totally in with the sharks since they like that my name is Finn and we made a deal about not eating my family or friends." He glanced at Rachel. "Right Mommy?"

"Right," she confirmed, hoping Ava bought it. "Good thing Grandma named Daddy that."

"They can't eat _anyone_?" Ava stipulated, still processing this. "Even Norma? He plays cards with Bruce the shark from _Finding Nemo_ and Norma owes Bruce a lot of money."

Rachel rolled her eyes at Puck's ridiculous excuse for getting out of watching the movie. "He's unbelievable."

"That's why he says he can't watch _Finding Nemo_ anymore with me and David. Or _Toy Story_ since Bruce told Woody and now Woody wants to arrest Norma," Ava added, peering at the water in a shark check as she clung to her father.

"Well they-"

"Nope, can't eat him either," Finn assured her, cutting Rachel off before she could finish. "I'm telling you, Avs. The sharks and I are tight."

"Oh." Clearly relieved, she pointed back towards the house excitedly. "Uncle Kurt!"

A just as relieved Finn glanced back at the house in time to see Kurt joined by his parents and Blaine plus Rachel's father. He smirked, turning his attention to his wet daughter. "Ava-roo, why don't you go give Uncle Kurt a nice big hug? He'd really like that."

Ava nodded, already squirming to get down. Finn grinned, already anticipating Kurt's reaction to a wet, sandy hug as he placed her on the ground. His grin grew wider as he watched Ava trip and fall in the sand in her haste to get to her uncle, even more sand clinging to her body.

"He's going to kill you," Rachel commented, slipping an arm around his waist.

"Totally worth it, babe." He laughed, an arm draped over her shoulders as they began to follow Ava, the other hand rubbing her belly. "How's Baby Huds?"

"Our _Love Bug_ is fine," she retorted, emphasizing her choice of name. "Kicking the hell out of me but fine."

He sighed. Rachel had been adamant about creating a name for the baby different than what they'd called Ava in utero and after much consideration she'd settled on Love Bug, due to the baby's Valentine's conception date. Her choice of moniker lasted approximately two hours before Puck arrived at Finn's birthday party and demanded to know how Baby Huds was. To Rachel's frustration, Puck's nickname took, eventually getting to the point where even Kurt was calling the baby that. Finn straddled a fine line, generally calling the baby Love Bug in private but opting for Baby Huds in public or when Rachel wasn't around.

"Well kicking's what we want, right?" he asked, moving his hand around on her belly in the hopes of feeling a kick as they walked. "Maybe he's gonna be a kicker for the NFL."

"If our Love Bug is a boy, he's not going to play football," Rachel stated. "He'll be much too busy with theater and the science classes he'll need to be pre-med. He simply won't have time to be a jock."

"I played football," he replied, an eyebrow raised as he mentally counted down to the scream he was sure would be coming from Kurt any second since Ava had just reached the steps. "My mom was ok with me being a jock."

"And I'm sure she worried every time you were on the field. I...uh oh."

Finn smirked, climbing up the steps just in time to see a horrified Kurt glancing down at Ava attached to his legs, Blaine and his parents laughing next to him. "Hey guys. You made it."

Ava separated from Kurt, allowing Finn to pick her up. "I gave Uncle Kurt a _big_ hug just like you said."

"Yes and thank you for that," Kurt added, attempting to brush the sand off his pants.

"No problem." He eyed Kurt's usual fancy outfit. "Why are you wearing that anyway? It's the Jersey shore."

"Some of us like to look good no matter what," Kurt retorted.

"Rachel, how are you feeling?" Carole cut in, breaking up the argument she was sure was coming. She cuddled Vlad to her chest. "You look like you've popped overnight."

Rachel rubbed her belly affectionately. "I think I did. I compared my weekly pictures this pregnancy to Ava's and with her I was already this big at _six_ months. That's why I know I'm right that it's a boy this time. I'm carrying totally different."

"Still not finding out?" Burt asked, reaching for Ava. "Come here, Ballerina."

"No," Rachel glowered, throwing a look at Finn. "Not till October 31st."

"Halloween?" Carole asked in surprise. "They changed your due date?"

Rachel nodded. "That works better since it gives me less of a chance of being pregnant at Mercedes' wedding on the 12th."

"We _have_ to discuss the contingency plan for either way," Kurt announced. He glared at Finn. "You couldn't have knocked her up with your giant spawn _after_ Mercedes' wedding? You've totally ruined my vision."

Finn shrugged. "I can't help it if she can't keep her hands off me."

Rachel glared. "Trust me Kurt, that's not an issue now."

"Good." He gave a final swipe to his pants. "Let's go inside."

"Fine by me." She shrugged, rubbing her belly. "I need to pee and then eat anyway."

"We bought lots of nachos and cheese for you, Princess," Hiram assured her. "Finn told us what kind to get."

Rachel gagged, turning on Finn accusingly. "You told them nachos and cheese? _Why_? I can't stand nachos!"

"This week," Finn muttered, just loud enough for Burt to hear next to him. True, she hasn't been consuming the massive quantities of nachos like she had with Ava but he'd certainly seen her eating nachos more than once this pregnancy. He raised his voice to a normal tone. "Fine. More for me and Ava then."

Rachel frowned as Ava clapped her hands excitedly. "She's picking up bad eating habits from you. I don't know why you two like nachos so much."

"Because they're good," he replied, wisely not pointing out that Ava had been bombarded with them since she was in the womb and probably had nacho cheese for blood.

"So you don't want nachos?" Hiram asked worriedly. "What about the ice cream Finn told us to get? Do you hate that too?"

Rachel's eyes lit up. "Ice cream? Is it Thin Mint?"

"I think it's the Tag Along."

She wrinkled her nose. "The peanut butter one? Ew."

"What do you mean, _ew_?" Finn demanded. "You've been eating that one non stop. I've had to buy so many cartons of it, Frank in Frozen just gives me a case of it at the supermarket when he sees me."

"I have not. Don't be ridiculous," she retorted, a hand on her belly. "If I indulge in the occasional ice cream it's simply because I'm pregnant with _your_ giant baby."

"You ate a whole container of the peanut butter one in the car on the way down here," he pointed out.

"Only because you didn't buy the Thin Mint one," she snapped. "I certainly didn't _want_ that one."

"Didn't stop you from hitting me with your spoon when I tried to take some," he muttered.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" She narrowed her eyes.

"It means that you've been personally keeping the ice cream company in business since you eat it every day," he pressed. "Ask Ava."

"Mommy likes ice cream," Ava added from the safety of Burt's arms. "We have special ice cream tea parties when Daddy's at work."

"Oh really?" Finn turned an interested eye on his daughter. "You mean you make special ice cream like you make your special tea?"

Ava shook her head, confused as to why her mother looked mad. "No. Mommy brings it when she comes for tea."

"Interesting." He turned back to Rachel, well aware that he was probably going to pay for messing with a pregnant woman but sick of constantly being wrong. "Don't you think that's interesting, Rach?"

"Princess, how about you check out the flavors that we have and if you don't like them we can call Dad and have him pick up what you want on the way back from the airport," Hiram persuaded, wisely heading off the argument he could see coming. "Ok?"

"Thank you Daddy. At least _someone_ cares about me." Her eyes narrowed to slits as she looked at Finn. "Has your chest always been that hairy or did you grow extra hair just to annoy me?"

"Huh?" He glanced down at his chest in confusion.

"You look like a Chia Pet." She frowned, her eyes fixated on his chest.

"Right. Let's go, Princess." Hiram held the door open, skillfully guiding Rachel through and shooting a nervous glance at Finn before he followed her inside with Kurt and Carole.

"Thin Mint ice cream?" Burt asked in confusion. "Isn't that the Girl Scout one that's only available part of the year?"

"Don't remind me," Finn muttered. "You know how many stores I had to go to to stock up on that peanut butter stuff? I had to get Mom, Kurt and Hiram to buy it too and now she doesn't even like it!"

Burt patted his shoulder. "Two more months, Finn. Two more months."

"I've got a secret countdown going." He turned to his daughter. "Want to go back and jump some more waves, Avs?"

She nodded, holding her arms out eagerly. "Then can we have nachos?"

"I see how it is," Burt teased, handing her over. "Abandon Grandpa for some waves and nachos. Guess I'll go see what Grandma is up to."

"You coming, dude?" he asked Blaine. "Water's pretty awesome."

"We're going to jump waves," Ava added excitedly. "I can teach you."

"Yeah? You're teaching me? How can I say no to that?" Blaine replied, squeezing Ava's thigh. "I'll meet you down there. Let me just change."

"Cool." He brought Ava back down to the water, resuming their wave jumping while they waited for Blaine. He came down after a few minutes, wading into the shallow water where Finn and Ava were, a hand behind his back.

Ava grinned, prepared to show off her impressive wave jumping skills. "Look Uncle Blaine! This is how you jump waves. You hold onto Daddy's hand and when he counts to three you jump."

"Wow! Amazing Ava," Blaine praised as she expertly jumped a wave, still holding a hand behind his back.

"You try," Ava commanded. "Just make sure you hold Daddy's hand or a wave will take you. But don't worry about the sharks. Daddy talked to them. They won't even eat Norma."

He laughed. "Is that right? So I don't have to worry about a shark bite?"

"No. The sharks like Daddy, so they'll stay away." She jumped another waved before she looked at him. "You try. Hold Daddy's other hand."

"I could. Or I could try something else. What's this?" He grinned once Ava's eyes went wide as he pulled his hand out from behind his back to show her the pink princess tube he'd had hidden there. "You know someone who could use this?"

"Me! I want it!" She lunged for the tube, only to have Blaine put it in the water.

"You ready to jump waves with it?" he asked, moving the tube around in the water.

"How?" She glanced up, looking between her father and uncle in confusion.

"You sit in it and let the tube ride the wave. It's fun," Blaine promised.

Ava looked less than convinced of this. "Is Daddy going to do it?"

"I can't. Uncle Blaine cheaped out and only brought you a tube," Finn replied with a grin.

"You can try mine," Ava decided, moving the tube towards him. "Here."

"Uh..." He rubbed the back of his neck. "I think I'm too big."

"Daddy, it's _princesses_," Ava enticed. "You like princess stuff."

Blaine snickered. "That's true, you do Finn."

"Shut up." He turned back to Ava. "Ava, I think you should sit in it. My butt's too big."

Ava frowned, lifting the tube out of the water and holding it up to her father's backside. "I think you can fit."

"Maybe one ass cheek," Blaine muttered just loud enough to hear.

"Why don't you let Uncle Blaine try? You two are about the same size," Finn retorted with a snicker.

"No._ You_," Ava insisted in the same stubborn tone as her mother.

He sighed. "Ava baby, remember what happened with the board? You want that to happen again?"

"What happened with the board?" Blaine asked immediately.

"Nothing." He took the tube from Ava, placing it in the water and depositing her on top of it, hoping it would steer the conversation in a new direction. "Look Ava, here comes a wave. Watch what happens."

Ava was immediately distracted, squealing when the tube coasted gently over the crest of the wave but Blaine was another story, repeating his earlier question. "What happened with the board?"

"Daddy broke my princess board," Ava tattled as she waited for another wave. "Norma's mad."

Blaine burst out laughing. "You broke it? _How_?"

"I just did, ok?" he snapped, not particularly wanting to relive that memory.

"Daddy tried to ride it but he's too fat," Ava announced.

"I wish I could have seen that," Blaine snorted, not bothering to hide his laughter.

"Mommy has it on video," Ava offered, making Finn sigh again.

"Does she? I'll have to watch with Uncle Kurt later," Blaine replied with a snicker. "Maybe we can all watch after dinner."

"Great," he muttered, already knowing that he'd never hear the end of it especially since Puck had already been notified thanks to Ava calling on Rachel's cell phone. In his defense, if Puck had gotten a better quality board, it wouldn't have snapped but apparently he was the only one who saw it like that. He closed his eyes, picturing the events of earlier.

_"Ready to hit the water, Avs?" Finn asked, holding out his hand once Rachel deemed Ava sufficiently sunblocked._

_Ava nodded excitedly, already dragging him towards the shoreline. "Come on, Daddy!"_

_"Ava wait! You want your new board?" Rachel called, holding up the princess boogie board enticingly. "Norma bought it for you to use here, remember?"_

_Even more excited, she ran back and grabbed the board from her mother, not even noticing that Rachel was following with a video camera._

_"Really, Rach? Didn't you film her in the water last year?" Finn asked as he and Ava waded into the water. _

_Rachel remained at the shoreline, camera trained on Ava. "Last year she didn't have a boogie board."_

_"True," Finn agreed, taking the board from Ava. "Wanna try riding the waves baby girl?"_

_Ava stared doubtfully. "How?"_

_"It's awesome Avs, watch this." He waded deeper into the water and held the little princess board in front of him expectantly as he glanced over his shoulder. __The perfect wave came along a moment later and he prepared himself, ready to jump on the board and ride the wave up to where Ava and Rachel were standing. "Ready Avs? Here I...shit."_

_The force of his body on the little board had evidently been too much since the board immediately snapped in two, one half riding in with Finn while the other caught the next wave behind him._

_The camera shook with laughter as Rachel filmed, capturing Finn as he slid into shore on his stomach._

_Ava, a hand on her hip in a move clearly inherited from her mother, stared at him accusingly. "Daddy! You broke my board!"_

_He stood up, his face sheepish as he glanced at a still filming (and laughing) Rachel. "Uh...yeah."_

_"Way to go, Finn. You annihilated it," Rachel added between bursts of laughter. "Ava didn't even get to use it."_

_"Norma's gonna be mad! He said you can't use it because you're a princess loving fat tub!" she wailed, making the camera shake even harder as Rachel continued to film._

_Finn bristled. "Yeah? Well wait till Olivia is older. I've got a few things to tell her about Norma."_

_"Like what? How to break a boogie board?" Rachel quipped, a hand on her belly as she filmed. _

Rachel might've thought it was funny but Ava certainly hadn't, immediately calling Norma and pouting until he'd managed to get back on her good side by letting her play beauty parlor with his hair while Rachel filmed (fortunately, a quick dunk under the water rid him of all the sand Ava had deemed necessary to style his hair).

"You really snapped it in half?" Blaine cried between bursts of laughter.

"Shut up." He grabbed a piece of seaweed floating nearby and flung it at Blaine, pleased when it stuck to his chest. "Hey Avs, guess what Uncle Blaine told me?"

"What?" She looked up at him curiously, her legs sticking straight out of the tube.

"Yes, what did Uncle Blaine tell you?" Blaine questioned, his voice suspicious.

"Uncle Blaine really wants you to bury him in the sand, baby girl," Finn announced, making Ava squeal in excitement since her earlier attempts to bury her either her mother or grandfather hadn't met with success (especially since Finn, wisely realizing the danger of participating in burying either Rachel or LeRoy, refused to help). "Like _really_ wants you to."

"What?! No!" Blaine protested. "I'll have sand everywhere!"

Ava flipped herself out of the tube, disappearing under the water for a second before her life jacket caused her to surface again. She pushed the water out of her face as she reached for Blaine's hand. "Come on!"

"Wait no! I..." His protests were useless, since Ava was dragging him out with Finn's help.

"Sit here," Ava demanded, pointing to the hole she'd had her father dig earlier while she'd supervised and made the job harder by pouring water in the hole.

Resigned to his fate, Blaine settled in the sand, the hole just big enough for his torso. Ava immediately set to work dumping sand on his legs using the bucket Finn gave her. "We're just burying my legs right?"

"Just your legs? That's no fun," Finn commented innocently, handing Ava a bucket of water to make the sand firm. "What do you think, baby girl? You gonna do more?"

Ava nodded, dumping a bucket of sand on Blaine's groin. "I want to bury him in the sand like Dora did to Boots."

Finn grinned, understanding immediately as he handed Ava another bucket of sand. "Sucks for you, man."

"What? Why?" he asked suspiciously.

"Dora buried Boots up to his neck," Ava explained happily, pouring more sand on his groin.

"Great," Blaine muttered. He glared at Finn. "I hope you're having fun."

"I am." He grinned, dumping a bucket of sand on Blaine for Ava to pat down. "Gotta get my fun in now. Once the baby comes, no more fun."

"Ah right. The six weeks no fun rule." Blaine grinned, not noticing that Ava had paused her sand patting and sat back, a worried look on her face. "Wasn't it more like nine weeks last time?"

"Don't remind me," Finn muttered, remembering all too well Rachel's reluctance to have sex even after the doctor had given her the ok. He dumped another bucket of sand on Blaine. "And definitely don't remind _her_."

"I'll be sure to remind Rachel about how you guys aren't allowed to have fun." He grinned, finally noticing Ava had stopped. "Are we done Ava?"

"Of course we're not done," Finn answered for her, dumping another bucket of sand on him. "I can still see your chest. Come on Avs. Lets finish and send a picture to Uncle Kurt's phone."

Ava nodded, still quiet as she slowly poured another bucket of sand and continued to work. They'd just poured on the last bucket of sand and taken a few pictures when Kurt came back out.

"Rachel needs to see you, _now_," Kurt announced, barely noticing that the only part of Blaine visible was his head. "She's waiting in the bathroom."

"She ok? She's not in labor, is she?" he asked, slightly panicked.

"Just go. I'll stay with Ava." He glanced down at Blaine's head peeking out of the sand. "Actually, this could be the opportunity I've been waiting for to work on Blaine's eyebrows."

"What? You're not touching my eyebrows!"

Blaine's protests growing fainter as he raced back to the house, he quickly made his way to their bedroom and adjoining bathroom. "Rachel? Is it the ba..._ow!_ What the hell?"

"Hold still. I need to get the rest off," she instructed, tossing the strip of wax she'd just ripped off his chest into the garbage. Quickly, before he could protest, she smeared hot wax on another spot and ripped it off just as quick.

"What the hell?" he repeated, glancing down at his red chest. "What are you doing?"

"I told you. You look like a Chia Pet," she replied, carefully applying more wax to his chest and ripping it off. "I'm not looking at this disgusting hairy sweater chest anymore."

"It's never bothered you before." He grabbed her hand, preventing her from putting more wax on. "And I'm not hairy. I barely have any hair on my chest."

"Don't be stupid. It's long bothered me which is why Kurt and I decided an intervention would be best. Now hold still so I can get all this hair off." She frowned, concentrating on a particularly tough spot. "Hmm. The hair right here won't come off."

"That's because it's only skin," he replied with a wince as she pulled the strip off again.

She tilted her head in contemplation. "Get on the bed. I think it'll be easier that way."

He sighed, knowing that this was this pregnancy's version of the hair debacle from her first pregnancy. Already deciding it wasn't worth the fight, he lay on the bed, his hands immediately flying to Rachel's thighs under his t-shirt she'd been using as a bathing suit cover-up as she slowly climbed on and straddled him. Her face was scrunched up in concentration as she applied more wax and if she wasn't currently causing him pain and acting insane, he'd totally find it adorable.

"Much better," she pronounced fifteen minutes and a whole jar of wax later.

"Done?" Careful to keep his voice neutral and not hopeful, he stared up at her, massaging her thighs.

She frowned, glancing at the empty jar of wax. "I ran out of wax. Kurt assured me it would be enough for your chest _and_ your back."

"My back?" he cried, his hands stilling as he glanced down at his red chest. "I don't have a hairy back!"

"Yes you do." She nodded firmly, trying to get the last dregs of wax from the jar.

He sat up, carefully holding onto Rachel before he leaned forward and buried his face in her neck, kissing her in that spot he knew drove her wild. "Baby."

"Finn no," she insisted, turning her neck nonetheless. "We need to get more wax for your back."

"Baby, why don't we have some fun instead?" He pressed more kisses against her skin, placing a hand on her belly just in time to feel the baby kick. "See? Love Bug agrees."

"Finn..." she protested weakly, allowing him to pull the t-shirt over her head.

"Rachel." He tossed the shirt to the side, immediately getting to work on the top of her maternity bathing suit but before he could do anything a knock sounded on the door.

"Is everyone decent or more importantly, waxed?" Kurt asked as he walked in, one hand holding Ava's.

"Yeah, thanks for ruining my fun," Finn muttered as Rachel slowly climbed off of him.

"Daddy has to have fun now, Uncle Kurt," Ava announced. "He can't have any fun after the baby comes."

"Oh really?" Rachel glared suspiciously at Finn, busy covering his groin with blankets. "Where did you hear that, baby?"

"Daddy _said_. Uncle Blaine laughed," she reported cheerfully. "But he's not supposed to tell you."

Rachel turned an annoyed eye on Finn for a moment before looking back at Ava. "Ava baby, didn't you want to have nachos? Why don't you go with Uncle Kurt and go find Grandma to get you some?"

"I can get them," Finn offered, wisely sensing danger.

"Kurt will go. I'm not done with you." Her tone brokered no argument and he sat back, annoyed as Ava grabbed Kurt's hand and pulled him out of the room in search of Grandma. "Let me see if I can tweeze all the hair I couldn't get off with the wax."

Two more months. He closed his eyes, attempting to ignore the pain coming from Rachel's incessant attacks with the tweezers. Two more months and he'd get normal Rachel back plus a kickass baby.

Even if he couldn't have any fun.

* * *

><p><strong><em>End of October<em>**

**_Mid-town Manhattan_**

**_Countdown to Baby: 5 days_**

"Right, we'll get those contracts right over to you," Finn promised through the phone. He glanced over at his office door just in time to see Rachel lead Ava, still dressed in her Minnie Mouse Halloween costume, in. Smiling at the sight, he beckoned them in with one hand as he finished his call. He hung up the phone and held his arms out. "There's my girls! How was the costume party?"

Ava immediately launched into an enthusiastic recap of her class costume party as she climbed into Finn's lap, Rachel nodding wearily behind her. He waited until Ava had abandoned his lap in favor of the little princess table and chairs he kept in his office for her before he turned his attention to Rachel. "Hey baby."

"Hi yourself." She placed a kiss on his lips as she settled on his lap, either not noticing or else ignoring his wince.

"Are you wearing my clothes?" he asked, eying the very familiar looking football sweatshirt and heavily rolled sweatpants Rachel was sporting. She'd been wearing his shirts to sleep in for months but this was something new.

"So what if I am?" she grumbled. "I think I'm entitled to. I _am_ carrying your giant baby."

"You wore my incredibly old ragged Jets sweatshirt to preschool?" he asked slowly. "The one Kurt has been claiming there's a petition against?"

"So? I'll wash it when I'm done," she snapped. "I didn't think it would be a big deal."

Deciding it was better to drop it, he rubbed her belly affectionately. "Are you ready to go? Let me get my coat."

"I've decided you don't need to come." She stood, a hand on her belly.

"Huh? What are you talking about? It's your weekly doctor's appointment, possibly the last one before the baby is born," he pointed out, standing also. "I always go."

"Exactly why you don't need to go this time," she shot back. "It's nothing new. Plus, I have a strong suspicion Dr. Woo is just as annoyed by your chest hair as I am."

He pinched his nose in frustration. "Don't be ridiculous."

"What? I can see it sticking out of your shirt," she insisted. "We're waxing once I get back."

"I'm coming." He stared her down.

"No, you're not." She crossed her arms. "You and your disgusting chest hair are staying here."

"Rachel, don't be like this," he warned with a sigh.

She ignored him, turning to look at Ava, still sitting at her little table and currently busy singing _I'm a Little Teapot_ as she colored. "Ava baby, you get to stay here with Daddy and play secretary! Aren't you excited?"

Ava squealed, immediately abandoning her crayons and lunging for the princess phone on her table to take a call. She listened intently for a moment before holding the phone out to Finn. "It's for you, Daddy. Ariel wants to buy stuff on TV."

In spite of his annoyance at Rachel, he smiled at Ava's understanding of his job. Ever since she'd heard him point out one of his advertising slogans on a commercial to Rachel, she'd become convinced that every commercial and product on TV belonged to him. "She does, huh?"

"See? You can't come anyway since you have important business with Ariel," Rachel announced, making his annoyance grow with every step she took towards the door. "Be a good secretary, Ava baby! Mommy loves you! Back in an hour!"

She was gone before Finn could protest and he sighed, flopping onto the couch next to Ava's table.

"Ariel's waiting, Daddy," Ava bossed, holding out the toy phone.

"Can you tell her I'll call her back?" He turned his head, watching in amusement as Ava relayed the message. "She say ok?"

"She's waiting. She wants to buy lots of stuff on TV." She nodded firmly, grabbing her crayons off her table and climbing onto Finn's desk chair. "It's Flounder's birthday."

"Is it?" He stood, stretching a little as his office phone rang.

"I got it!" Ava lunged for the phone, placing it carefully next to her ear like she'd seen Finn's newest secretary Noelle do. "Daddy's office."

Finn stared, torn between wanting to see what she did and wrestling the phone from her.

"This is Ava Carole Hudson," she announced proudly into the phone. She listened intently for a moment before her face morphed into a frown. "Daddy's not stupid!"

"I'll take that." He grabbed the phone from Ava, already knowing who was on the other end. "What do you want, Sue?"

"_You make all your employees call you Daddy? What kind of sick office are you running there?"_

"That was my daughter. What do you want?" he snapped.

_"Heard William was elected to the league board despite my vehement anti-idiot campaign and that you have also once again been elected captain of the world's most inept squad of morons. And that's saying something considering I once played against a team of chimps."_

"What's your point?" He lifted Ava and sat before pulling her into his lap, dumping her crayons over his desk and placing a fresh sheet of construction paper in front of her. Ava set to work, carefully selecting a purple crayon to begin with.

_"My point is that coming on the heels of my unprecedented 16th championship, I expect to stage a coup and get William kicked off the board. I'd tell him personally but he's apparently blocking my calls."_

"Smart move," Finn muttered, accepting the yellow crayon Ava was offering. "That for me, baby girl?"

_ "Are you sexually harassing me? I have my lawyer listening on an extension."_

"I'm coloring with my daughter. Are we done?" he snapped.

_"Glad to see Schuester is finally giving you a job you can handle."_

"I'm sure you'll be calling back with some stupid rule in an hour, so I'll talk to you then." He hung up, turning his attention to the picture Ava was holding up, which if the massive blob in the middle of the body was anything to go by meant it was a portrait of Rachel. "Is that Mommy?"

Ava nodded happily. "I'm going to give it to her."

"She'll be thrilled. Make sure she's eating ice cream when you give it to her," he commented dryly as his phone rang again. Quickly, he placed his hand over it before Ava could get it. "I'm gonna get this one but why don't you go sit at your table in case Ariel calls again? She'll be mad if no one answers and I'd hate to lose her business."

Relieved when Ava nodded and scampered off to her table, he took the call, along with several others. He actually managed to get some legitimate business done over the next hour while Ava fielded calls from Beast, Rapunzel, Princess Fiona and an insistent Ariel, all of whom wanted to buy stuff from him.

He'd just taken yet another call from Sue when Rachel returned, an annoyed look on her face. Assuming he was the cause of the annoyance, he hung up debating how to handle this. His eyebrow quirked as Rachel made her way over to his desk and sat in his lap. Cautiously, he accepted the kiss she was offering. "Everything go ok?"

Rachel didn't answer, turning to stare at Ava, who was currently on her phone with yet another cartoon character wanting to buy something from him. "Ava, guess what?"

"What?" She hung up her phone and scribbled something with her blue crayon on the legal pad she'd gotten from Finn's secretary. "Dora wants to buy a lot of pink shirts, Daddy. I told her you'll call her back. Boots called too but I told him you won't sell him new boots because he was in time out again."

"Good job, Avs. I don't do business with monkeys in time out," Finn replied, cautiously rubbing Rachel's belly.

"Ava, Uncle Kurt just called me," Rachel announced. "He and Uncle Blaine are planning to watch _Tangled_ tonight so they invited you for a tea party and sleepover. Isn't that great?"

Ava clapped her hands excitedly, immediately abandoning her secretary work.

"Really? It's Wednesday," Finn commented suspiciously. "They both have work tomorrow."

"Let's go home and get your stuff, Ava baby. Go put your coat on and say goodbye to Noelle," Rachel directed, waiting until Ava had scampered out to his secretary before she spoke. "Dr. Woo says that the pain I've been having all day is nothing."

"Well you still have five days," Finn reminded her.

"But Ava came early so this one should too," she fretted. "Mercedes' wedding is in two and half weeks and I _need_ to not be pregnant."

"It'll be fine," he assured her, rubbing her belly. "You'll look hot either way."

"We're getting this kid out," she announced. "Prepare to lose your pants the second you walk in the door tonight."

He grinned, suddenly understanding the reasons behind Ava's impromptu sleepover. "Pants-free Wednesday? We haven't had that since before Ava was born. I'm assuming I'm picking up spicy food?"

"Absolutely." She kissed him once more, her earlier anger at him forgotten due to her current quest. Another slightly longer kiss was issued as a preview before she stood. "I'll see you later. Naked."

His grin grew as he watched her leave. He sailed through the rest of day, practically flying to Rachel's favorite Indian restaurant and ordering the spiciest things on the menu. The elevator ride seemed infinite, giving him time to debate pants removal at the door versus pants _and_ boxer removal. Wisely remembering at the last moment the time he'd opted for full removal and found Rachel and a sleeping Ava in their bed, he decided to wait until he was positive Rachel was alone and waiting.

"Rach? Baby, I'm home!" he called out into the quiet apartment.

_"In here!"_

Rachel's voice had a singsong sultry quality, which he knew meant Ava had been shipped out. Grinning, he undressed as he walked towards the bedroom, down to his boxers by the time he reached the bedroom. "Hi baby."

As promised, Rachel lay against the pillows of their bed, wearing some lacy lingerie he'd never seen before. She smiled at him. "I believe it's Pants-free Wednesday. Lose the boxers."

He grinned, dropping the boxers and climbing onto the bed, kissing his way up Rachel's leg to her stomach. Light kisses were pressed against her immense stomach for a minute before he fingered the silky material. "Why haven't I seen this before?"

"I bought it today at the maternity store. No more talking," she directed, untying the little string holding the lingerie together. She shrugged out of it, topless before him. "Let's go."

Not needing much encouragement, he stripped her panties off of her, waiting until she'd found a comfortable position on her hands and knees before he entered her. Slow and deliberate, he moved inside her until she reached her peak, holding her close while he did the same. To his surprise, she pushed him back on the bed, immediately impaling herself on him and moving above him. Not stopping until they'd come a second time, she leaned down against him, cuddling into his neck.

"Mmmm. Let's cuddle before we do it again," she decided, lying back on the bed once he'd done the same. "Next time we'll do it side by side."

In total agreement with this plan, he wrapped an arm around her, already knowing from the sleepy quality in her voice that a nap was in order. Sure enough, Rachel was snoring away against him in a matter of minutes and he closed his own eyes, more than ready to take a quick nap. He'd just drifted off when Rachel suddenly sat up.

"Finn." She turned back to him, hands on her stomach. "It worked. I think we need to go to the hospital."

"Seriously? Are you sure? You seem kind of calm," he pointed out.

"Finn. Having already been through this once, I think I know what labor feels like. Not that you would know since you weren't there," she snapped, wincing at a sudden pain. "Oooh."

He jumped off the bed, running to the door and grabbing the suitcase she kept there. "Come on! Let's go."

"I need clothes," she pointed out. "As do-"

"Right. Clothes," he interjected, running to her drawers and pulling the first things he could find out. Hastily, he helped her dress through her pain, taking her hand and dragging her to the door. Suitcase in hand, he moved to let her pass through. "Come on, baby. We have to get there and then we can call Ava and our parents."

Rachel didn't move. "Are you planning on wearing that to the hospital?"

"Huh?" He glanced down, flushing in embarrassment when he realized he was still stark naked. Just as hastily as he'd dressed Rachel, he pulled clothing from his drawers, haphazardly throwing them on as Rachel bore through the pain nearby. "Ready."

"Oh I don't think so." She shook her head. "I can't possibly let you go to the hospital looking like that. You'll scare the babies in the nursery."

"Huh?" He stared down at his clothes in confusion, wondering if his fly was open or something.

"Your chest. It's disgusting," she insisted. "We have time. We're waxing."

"Are you serious?" he cried. "You're in labor!"

"It's still early," she replied, climbing off the bed and waddling into their bathroom. "I'm going to heat up the wax."

"Rachel. You need to get to a hospital. _Now_." He rand a hand through his hair in frustration as he watched her heat up the wax warmer she'd bought after the first time she'd waxed him.

"Don't be ridiculous. My contractions are still slightly far apart. We'll have enough time to do your chest, back _and_ your groin." She emerged from the bathroom, pleased with her plan. "Take your clothes back off."

"My groin!?" he hissed, horrified. "You're not waxing my junk!"

"Of course I am." Confident in this, she pulled down the sweat pants he'd put on. "Get on the bed so I can start."

"You're not waxing my junk," he insisted even as she pulled off his shirt. "You're not."

"Finn. What if we go to the hospital and you get into an accident on the way up to the maternity floor? I'd hate for them to be talking about your lack of grooming. I'd be humiliated," she reasoned illogically, retrieving her wax from the bathroom. Carefully, she climbed on top of him, expertly smearing some wax on his chest. "Or worse, what if you collapse next to my bed? The nurses would all talk about your hairy body and again, I'd be humiliated."

"What the hell are you talking about?" he demanded, wincing as she ripped off the wax. "That makes no sense."

"So I'm crazy?" She pulled off another strip particularly hard, making him rethink his protests. "I hardly think it's unreasonable to not want our baby being made fun of by all the other babies in the nursery for having a hairy Sasquatch for a father."

"You're not waxing my junk." He stared her down, firm on this point. "I'll let you do my chest and back and then me and my hairy groin are taking you to the hospital."

"Yes I am." Just as determined, she stared back, her hands ripping off another one. "I won't have our baby made fun of."

"The baby won't be made fun of. You know it," he insisted. "Especially since none of the babies can talk."

"Fine." She ripped off another piece forcefully. "You clearly don't care about this baby or me."

"You know I do." He winced as she pulled off yet another.

"I know that if you cared about us, you'd wax." Her eyes welled with tears. "But fine. Have it your way. We'll be fine. Humiliated but fine."

"Rachel..." he trailed off, weakening.

"Nurses and doctors talk, Finn. They _talk_," Her lower lip trembled. "And you're leaving me and Love Bug to be laughed at and talked about all because of your hairy penis."

He sighed, all resolve gone at the first sight of tears. Knowing he was going to regret this and hoping Puck never ever found out, he reached up and wiped away a stray tear. "Fine. You can wax this one time only, ok?"

She beamed, suddenly tear free. "I knew you'd see it my way."

Suspicious of her sudden change in demeanor, he stayed quiet as she waxed his body, only crying out in pain when she did his groin since Rachel was a little too thorough in her quest to rid him of hair. In pain but finally possessing a hair free body that met Rachel's approval, he escorted a fairly calm and quiet Rachel down to a cab, surprised by her demeanor since from what he'd heard from Mercedes, Sam and Puck, she'd been anything but with Ava.

The reason for Rachel's calmness was revealed three hours later when the hospital sent Rachel home. She'd been furious, insisting that this was her second child and she knew what labor felt like, something her male doctor couldn't possibly know but nevertheless, she'd been sent home with a diagnosis of Braxton-Hicks.

"This is unbelievable!" she fumed, still furious as they rode the elevator back to their apartment. "Do you believe he had the _nerve_ to suggest that I don't remember what labor feels like? I was in labor for over nine hours with Ava! I think I know the difference between fake labor and real labor!"

He stayed silent, smartly not pointing out that she'd clearly been fooled by fake labor tonight. Instead, he slipped an arm around Rachel's waist, guiding her off the elevator and back into their apartment. "How about I help you get into a warm bath like Dr. Woo suggested?"

"Oh no. We're getting this kid out. I'm in labor. I know I am. Dr. Woo knows nothing," she insisted. "Lose the pants. Until this kid comes out, you're naked from the waist down. Perhaps you shouldn't go to work."

He sighed, knowing this was partly fueled by Rachel's uncomfortable pregnancy state and partly by her desire to prove her doctor wrong. Still, he was getting sex out of it, so it's really a win-win for him.

Waxed groin aside, that is.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Halloween<strong>_

_**Upper East Side**_

_**Countdown to Baby: Zero days**_

"And then I got this candy and this one," Ava announced, holding up a little candy bar as she bounced in place. "David did too."

"Look!" David held up his pumpkin bucket excitedly.

"That's great guys," Kurt replied distractedly as he juggled the sewing kit and loads of material in his arms. "Let me just get set up then I can look at your candy."

"I got more candy than David," Ava reported, still bouncing as she watched her uncle.

"You did not!" David protested, nevertheless checking his pumpkin bucket against Ava's.

"Yes, I did, _David_," she replied, moving her own pumpkin bucket away. "I got candy from Miss Fiona, my teacher. You didn't."

"Miss Amanda gave me candy! She didn't give you any, _Ava_!" he retorted. "And I got candy from Mr. Steve!"

"Well I got candy from Mr. _John_," she shot back, as if getting candy from the preschool gym teacher was more impressive than the music teacher.

"I got-"

"It sounds like you both got a lot of candy," Kurt cut in, dumping his supplies on the couch. He glanced at a tired looking Rachel draped over the other couch. "How are you feeling?"

"How do you think I feel?" she snapped. "It's my due date and I'm _still_ pregnant."

"Oh. Can't you do something about it?" He shifted uncomfortably, glancing down at Ava and David, currently busy comparing candy.

"Why didn't I think of that?" she griped, sarcasm in every word. "Here I've been sitting, patiently waiting for this kid to decide to make an appearance."

"I'm just saying, what about spicy food or s-e-x?"

"What do you think we've been doing? Finn hasn't worn pants in days and unless you're volunteering there's no one here to help with that right now," she shot back, rubbing her immense belly. "I've been having back pain all day and some light contractions so it should be starting. Tina's in the kitchen heating up some spicy Gumbo she made last night to really kick start the labor."

"You think it'll work?" he asked, rummaging through his sewing kit. "The wedding is in twelve days."

"Gee thanks for letting me know. I had no idea it was that close," she sniped, accepting the candy bar Ava was offering her. Her tone softened at the sight of Ava in her Minnie costume. "Thanks, Chickadee."

"Daddy said you'd want to eat my candy," Ava commented cheerfully, happily watching Rachel rip open the wrapper and take a bite.

"Daddy said that?" She polished off the candy bar in her anger. "Obviously, I'll be having a word with Daddy."

Kurt exchanged a nervous look with Tina, who'd just appeared in the doorway with a steaming bowl. Afraid to say the wrong thing, he glanced back down at Ava and David. "Right. Let's get you two out of those costumes so I can try out my prototypes."

David frowned, glancing down at his Woody the Cowboy costume. "I don't want to. I'm Woody."

"Me either," Ava announced, smoothing her Minnie Mouse dress.

Kurt sighed, regretting the day Rachel and Tina ever volunteered him to make the costumes for the preschool Thanksgiving play. "It's just for a few minutes while I measure you then you can put your costumes back on."

"No," David decided, Ava nodding next to him.

"Two seconds," Kurt promised, holding up two fingers.

"No."

"_David_," Tina jumped in using her _don't mess with me_ voice as she handed Rachel the bowl of food. "You need to be measured."

"You too, Ava," Rachel added tiredly. "Don't you two want to see what your costume is?"

"No," David repeated a third time, adjusting his cowboy hat.

"_David Michael_," Tina warned, bending down to unbutton his shirt buttons as David protested and wiggled amid claims he was Woody.

"Even Woody needs to get measured," Kurt commented, as he grabbed his measuring tape off the couch. "You think that cowboy costume was bought at a store? He got it custom made for him at Al's Toy Barn, so he was measured just like you need to be."

"Really?" Ava asked, David still somewhat skeptical beside her. "What about Bo Peep?"

"Oh she goes to Barbie's designer, I believe," Kurt replied, checking his previous measurements of David as he held the measuring tape up to him. "Hold still."

"Daddy dated Bo Peep," David announced, still squirming.

"Bo Peep?" Tina laughed, exchanging amused glances with Kurt and Rachel. "Where did you hear that?"

"He did," Ava confirmed. "Norma told us."

"Puck said Daddy took Bo Peep to Pizza Planet and Woody found out and got _mad_," David elaborated. "He sent the Green Army Men to _talk_ to Daddy about dating Bo. They threw Daddy in the dumpster."

"Daddy never told me about this. I'll have to ask him, baby," Tina mused. "And I never heard about the dumpster."

"That worked out well for you, Tina," Kurt replied, pausing to pull something orange off the couch. "Look! How do you like it?"

"What is it?" David demanded suspiciously.

"It's a carrot," Kurt confirmed. "You're going to be a carrot."

"I'm not a carrot! I'm Woody!" David cried, clearly not happy as he reached for his cowboy hat.

"Don't you want to be a carrot?" Kurt enticed, holding out the costume. "Ava has a costume too. She's going to be a squash. Tina, can you get her ready to be measured?"

David didn't answer, fighting Kurt trying to yank the costume over his head while Tina wrestled Ava out of her Minnie costume, both kids voicing vigorous protests.

Kurt ignored their protests, pulling David's carrot costume until it lay correctly on his body. He held up a leafy green hat, plucking the cowboy hat off David's head. "And look at your cool hat!"

He placed the hat on a still silent David's head before he turned to a just as silent Ava, quickly jamming her in the Butternut squash costume he'd made for her, along with the hat designed to look like a stem on her head. "There."

"Tina, get a camera! Could they look any cuter?" Rachel cried excitedly, not noticing the sullen expressions the two vegetables in front of her were sporting. "I mean really, have you ever seen cuter vegetables?"

"These are just prototypes," Kurt announced proudly as Tina snapped picture after picture. "The finished costumes will be much more detailed of course."

"They look adorable." Rachel balanced her Gumbo bowl on her immense stomach, directing Tina to take certain pictures as Kurt began pinning and marking David's carrot costume. "She could wear it to Thanksgiving dinner at Burt and Carole's."

"Mike and Finn should be here any minute. Wait till they see them," Tina added, snapping away with her camera.

"He better have my dinner," Rachel muttered, polishing off the last of the Gumbo and wincing as another light contraction hit.

"Didn't you just eat Gumbo?" Kurt glanced up at her from the floor in confusion.

"What's your point?" Rachel snapped. She turned to Tina. "Finn's supposed to stop and get those fiery stuffed jalapeño peppers from that restaurant on Lexington. Between those and the gumbo I expect to be in full blown labor by 11 tonight."

As predicted, the sound of the front door opening and closing was heard just as Kurt moved onto Ava's squash costume. "Babe? Avs?"

"Bring my food in here, Finn!" Rachel called back. "And check out how cute your daughter looks!"

"Hi baby." He handed her the dinner he'd brought immediately upon his arrival in the living room, knowing better than to do anything else first. He glanced at Ava curiously, doing a double take as Mike came in the room behind him and greeted his own wife. "Hey Ava-roo."

"Hi Daddy," she pouted, her arms crossed across her costume. "Uncle Kurt made me wear this."

"Doesn't Ava look adorable?" Rachel mumbled between mouthfuls. She glanced at her watch, taking note of the time.

"I thought it was going to be a play about Thanksgiving, not body parts," Finn replied, staring confusedly at Ava in her costume. "Why'd you make her a penis?"

"She's not a penis!" Kurt exclaimed, his tone annoyed. "She's a butternut squash!"

He frowned. "She looks like a penis."

"Finn! She looks adorable! She does not look like a penis!" Rachel cried, horrified at the thought.

"What's a penis?" Ava demanded.

"Nothing baby," Rachel assured her.

"It's that thing between your legs, Ava," David answered before any adult could say anything else.

Ava frowned. "There's nothing between my legs."

"Yes there is. It's how you go pee-pee," David insisted, the leaves on his carrot stem hat bobbing merrily.

The hand immediately flew to her squash covered hip. "No it's not, _David_."

"Yes it is, _Ava_," he shot back. "My _dad_ showed me how."

Her frown grew deeper as she thought of her counter attack. Finn, already knowing where this was going and _really_ not wanting to explain, quickly pointed to the bags in Mike's hand. "Who wants McDonald's?"

The two vegetables in front of him immediately stopped bickering and scrambled out of their costumes, running off to the kitchen with Mike. Finn watched them go with a smile before turning back to Kurt. "Seriously. Why isn't David the penis?"

"She's a squash!" Kurt screeched. "A Butternut squash to be exact."

"If that's code for penis, then yes, she is," Finn countered, not noticing that Rachel had sat up slightly, a strange look on her face. "The bottom of that costume looks like testicles."

"She doesn't look like a pair of testicles!" he cried, furious at the thought. "I modeled it after a squash I bought at the store!"

"Sure it wasn't an adult store?" Finn shot back. "Seriously. Give that punk Reginald the penis costume and make her something cool like a pineapple."

"That's not even a vegetable!" Kurt rolled his eyes and ran a hand along his hair. "Not to mention that pineapple wasn't on the menu at the first Thanksgiving."

"Fine. Corn then," he decided. "That's an awesome vegetable since you can turn it into popcorn."

"She's. A. Squash," Kurt announced through gritted teeth. "I have a vision."

"Well change your vision. Rachel and I don't want a penis for a daughter." He crossed his arms. "Right Rachel?"

Rachel, a hand on her stomach, sat up again as best she could. "Finn. Finn, baby."

"And?" he prompted, waiting for her to continue her sentence. "You agree with me, right?"

"Finn." She gripped the side of the couch. "**_Baby_**."

"Rachel, baby. What do you think? Kurt's being an ass, right? " he replied, mimicking her. He glanced at Kurt suspiciously. "Wait. You didn't make anyone a vegetable that looks like an ass, right?"

"How _dare_ you!" Kurt screeched. "You just don't appreciate art! What do you think, Rachel?"

"I think..." She struggled to her feet. "I think...hospital. Now."

"What? Why didn't you say anything?" Finn cried, taking her hand and supporting her back with the other. "Kurt, grab her bag. I'm gonna help her downstairs."

Kurt took off at a run down the hall, returning after a minute with a suitcase. "Here. I'll stay with Ava."

"Come on babe." He pressed a hand to her back, trying to guide her towards the door.

"Wait. I need to say goodbye to Ava." She placed a hand on her stomach, refusing to move. "The book says it's very important."

Finn ran into the kitchen, returning with Ava tucked like a football under one arm, a French fry still clenched in one hand. "Avs, Mommy and I are going to go get your new brother or sister now, ok?"

"Ok. Bye Mommy." She stared from her position under Finn's arm, chewing her fry. "Get a good baby."

Rachel burst out crying as she reached over and placed kisses on Ava's face. "I'm going to miss you so much, Angel! So much!"

"I think you're smothering her, Rach," Finn decided, pulling Ava free from Rachel. He handed Ava off to Kurt. "Bye Avs, I'll be back soon, ok?"

He hurried a bawling Rachel out the door, confident that this time, he'd be coming back with a baby.

He was wrong.

Once again, Rachel was discharged from the hospital with false labor. And once again, she was just as furious, demanding a second opinion and threatening to sue Dr. Woo if she gave birth on the subway ride home. Ava had been confused when she'd woken up the next morning, having fully expected to bring the new baby to show and tell that day.

Show and Tell would have to wait, since Rachel continued to remain pregnant. Her irritation grew in proportion to the amount of days late which meant Finn was getting waxed much more than he cared for. Still each day late meant they were really one day closer to the baby coming, so he couldn't really complain.

Unless it was about the waxing.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Early November<strong>_

_**Countdown to Baby: - 4 days**_

"We're home!" Finn called out, holding the door open for Ava to go through. Ava, her backpack still on and craft project in hand, immediately took off towards her bedroom.

"Don't get to comfortable on that couch," Rachel warned. "I need to wax you. I saw some hair growth this morning."

He sighed, knowing better than to fight her at this point but fortunately movement in the kitchen was heard before he could say anything he'd regret. Kurt came striding in a moment later, dressed in one of his fashionably weird outfits, a large black top hat on his head and clutching a plate. He did a double take at Kurt's weird outfit. "What are you doing here?"

"I've been invited for tea for your information." He held up a piece of paper scribbled in crayon. "See? Official invite."

"You look like a dork," he replied, taking in Kurt's outfit and fancy top hat. "That hat makes you look like The Mad Hatter from _Alice in Wonderland_."

"And stupid comments like that are why you failed to secure an invite to tea," he snapped, adjusting his hat. "This happens to be vintage Tom Ford."

"You know on second thought your outfit makes you look more like LeFou from _Beauty and the Beast_." He pretended to ponder, purposely winding Kurt up. "I think it's the big napkin at your neck."

"It's an ascot, not a napkin." He pinched his nose in frustration. "How you do not know that is beyond me. Here's your _guaranteed-to-make-you-go-into-labor_ eggplant, Rachel."

"Finally. Today's the absolute last day I can give birth and possibly not have the post preggo belly," Rachel replied, grabbing the plate from him eagerly.

"I thought you were going to eat nothing but spicy food and have sex constantly," Kurt chided. "If you have to sit in Mercedes' pictures, it just won't look as nice."

"I have been. We've had so much sex, Finn's had trouble maintaining his erection," Rachel shot back. "It hasn't worked."

"Thanks baby," Finn interjected, his face scarlet. "Thanks for telling Kurt that."

"Well you did. I need that thing working as well as it did at the beginning of my pregnancy," Rachel reasoned, opening her meal and digging in. "How was preschool?"

"I don't know. She's still acting weird." He shrugged. "She didn't even show me her craft project. I only saw Violet's."

"What's up with her?" Kurt asked curiously.

"We're not sure. She's been really moody ever since she came home Violet's house yesterday." He rubbed his neck.

"I'm worried," Rachel admitted. "It's not like either of us have been invited to tea lately."

"I could talk to her," Kurt offered. "We have a lot to discuss over tea but I'll try to fit it in."

Ava appeared at that moment, dressed elegantly for tea in her Cinderella dress, fairy wings and an enormous hat decorated with flowers and netting. A multitude of necklaces graced her neck and she'd finished the look off with her magic wand, her Rapunzel dress up shoes peeking out from under her dress.

"Duke Oscar the Grouch is here, Avs," Finn offered with a snicker.

"It's Duke Oscar _de la Renta_," Kurt corrected for the millionth time, still annoyed that Finn had been present at the tea table when he'd debuted his tea table name and Ava had asked if he lived in a garbage can. Turning his back on Finn, he smiled at Ava. "Shall we go in for tea, Mrs. Finn?"

Ava nodded excitedly, ignoring her parents and pulling Kurt towards her bedroom. Minnie, Boots and the Sergeant were already at the table and he waited until they'd settled at their traditional seats and the tea had been poured before he tackled whatever was bothering her. "So. What's the dirt in Miss Fiona's room? Who's been spotted at the time out table?"

"Reginald," she reported, refilling the Sergeant's tea cup. "He threw crayons at Violet."

"That doesn't surprise me one bit." He took a sip of his tea. "How uncouth."

Despite having no idea what the word uncouth meant, Ava nodded and poured herself more tea. "Miss Fiona was _mad_. She said we can't throw crayons, even if they are purple like Violet's name."

"I'm sure. Crayon throwing is _so_ three year old," Kurt agreed, his tone serious.

Ava nodded in agreement once more, anxious to share another detail. "He missed playing with the parachute in gym."

"I bet everyone's excited you're going to be a big sister," Kurt commented casually, not quite sure getting to miss the parachute was such a bad thing. "It'll beat whatever anyone else brings to show and tell."

Ava's bottom lip trembled for a moment. "I don't want to be a big sister."

"What? Why not?" He placed his tea cup down.

"I don't want to leave! I like living with Mommy and Daddy!" she wailed, the teapot in her hand.

"Ava, what are you talking about?" he asked, strongly suspecting Puck's involvement.

"I have to leave when the baby comes!" she blurted out, her tears showing themselves. "Mommy and Daddy are going to lock me in a tower! Tony _said_!"

"What are you talking about?" Kurt asked, slightly bewildered. "Who's Tony?"

"Violet's bigger brother," she sniffed. "He said when Mommy goes to the hospital, she'll pick up a new baby and trade me in! He used to have a sister named Sara but they traded her in for Peter. The hospital gave them Violet too because they had an extra baby they didn't know what to do with."

"Ava, that's not true," he assured her. "Mommy and Daddy are going to get a new baby and keep you also."

"He said I have to sleep in a tower in the hospital like a princess until someone comes and wants a girl named Ava Carole." The tears flowed down her face as she clutched the teapot. "He said I'm lucky Mommy keeps coming back because that means she hasn't found a baby she likes better than me."

"Come here." He held out his arms for Ava, who immediately grabbed Minnie and climbed onto his lap.

"Don't let them lock me in a tower!" she wailed into his neck, her hat falling off.

"I promise you, you are not going to get locked in a tower," he assured her. "Princesses only get locked up when they have a witch after them. do you know any witches?"

"Daddy says Mommy's Aunt Ruth is a witch." She looked up at him worriedly, anxious to see if that counted.

"That doesn't count," he assuaged. "So if you don't know any witches, you're good. Mommy and Daddy will definitely keep you. How could they not? You throw amazing tea parties and you're consistently on the best dressed list at Toddler Town Pre-school, which you _know_ Mommy and Daddy never were. I could see trading you in if you were on the worst dressed list but since you never are I wouldn't worry. Ok?"

Ava didn't answer, but her tears had stopped, which he took as a good sign. Carefully, he stood Ava next to his seat. "Well Mrs. Finn. Now that that's settled, how about we continue with our tea party?"

Ava carefully settled back into her seat and Kurt, wisely sensing this was a sensitive topic, dropped it for now, adjusting his top hat with a flourish. Biding his time, he waited until Ava had repoured the imaginary tea and they'd both taken a sip before trying a new tactic. Carefully, he placed his teacup down on his saucer, leaning in to gossip. "You know, I saw Rapunzel at Williams-Sonoma yesterday as she was buying a new frying pan. Apparently, Flynn broke the handle of her old one and you'll _never_ guess what she told me."

"What?" Ava asked wide-eyed as she took another sip from her tea cup.

"You mean you didn't_ hear_ what Ariel wore to the Royal concert?" He paused dramatically.

"No!" Ava responded, now thoroughly enjoying her tea party with Uncle Kurt as always.

"Well Mrs. Finn," Kurt gossiped, taking a pretend bite of a plastic cookie. "According to Rapunzel, Ariel showed up wearing last year's sea shells. _Last years."_

"_Last years_?" Ava repeated, placing her tea cup down.

Kurt nodded sagely. "I know; can you believe it? Sea shells are _so_ 2013."

"Yes," Ava agreed, not quite sure what was so bad about the sea shells but if Uncle Kurt said they were bad, they must be.

"Ariel _obviously_ didn't listen to her big sister. She tried to stop Ariel from wearing the shells," Kurt said carefully, taking a sip of his tea again. "That's the big sister's job you know."

Ava didn't answer, busy pouring more tea into her cup.

"I'll take a refill, Mrs. Finn," Kurt continued, holding out his cup. "It's such a shame about Ariel not listening to her big sister. _Quite_ the scandal, let me tell you."

"Really?" She held up the teapot, refilling his cup.

"I can't believe you didn't hear. _Everyone's_ talking about it." He took a sip of his imaginary tea. "Even _Norma_ knew. But then, he's a big brother, so that doesn't surprise me."

"He is?" She paused, the teapot in mid air. "Norma's a big brother?"

"Of course. I should know; I'm a big brother so I see Norma at the meetings." He bit his lip to keep from laughing at the expression on Ava's face.

"You're a big brother?"

"Oh yes. Daddy's my little brother." He sipped his tea for emphasis.

"Daddy's bigger than you," Ava commented suspiciously.

"That's because I was there to make sure Daddy ate all his vegetables," Kurt replied quickly, placing his tea cup down. "I didn't have a big brother to do that for me, so I didn't grow."

"Oh." She pondered this information for a moment, adjusting her many necklaces before she found a flaw in Kurt's statement. "But Mommy likes vegetables and she's not bigger than Daddy. She _always_ eats hers. Daddy gives his to Vlad."

"She likes vegetables _now_," Kurt improvised. "When I first met her, she wouldn't eat _any_. Why do you think she's so small? No big sister to tell her to eat her vegetables."

Ava stared, wide eyed as she considered this. "Oh."

"So I guess you'll be coming to the big brother and sister club meetings now," Kurt continued, taking another pretend bite of his cookie. "It's _very _exclusive. Cinderella's been trying for years to get in since she claims the ugly stepsisters are lying about their age. I swear, if she shows up one more time trying to say that she's actually older than Anastasia, I'll scream."

"There's a club?"

"Don't tell me you didn't know there's a special club for big brothers and sisters." He placed a hand over his heart in mock surprise.

"There is?"

"Oh yes. We do all sorts of fun stuff that little brothers and sisters don't get to do." He took another sip, pleased to see she was buying this. "I guess you didn't get your membership card in the mail yet, Mrs. Finn?"

Ava stared wide eyed. "I get a _card_?"

"Of course. It should come with your welcome kit." He smiled. "It's got all sorts of awesome big sister stuff in it. I heard Brittany got a new princess dress in hers, but every box is different you know."

"She got a princess dress?" She stared, the teapot paused mid air. "Really?"

Kurt nodded solemnly. "Straight out of Cinderella's new line. It was to _die_ for. I don't think I need to tell you how jealous Snow White was."

"Daddy went on a date with Snow White," Ava announced impressively, suddenly feeling much better about this whole baby situation.

"Did he?" Kurt asked, his tone amused.

She nodded. "Norma told me. They went bowling with Cinderella and Norma but Snow White got mad when one of the dwarves said Daddy cheated so she left. Norma was mad because he said it took him a long time to get Snow White to agree to go out with Daddy because she likes short guys."

"Is that right?" He pursed his lips trying not to laugh.

"He dated Dora, too," she gossiped. "But Daddy never showed up for the date because he didn't have a map to her house. Norma told me."

"Good thing Norma's in with all the princesses," Kurt commented, his shoulders shaking.

"You never told me you dated Mr. Smee," Ava demanded, pouring Kurt some more tea.

"Excuse me? _Mr. Smee_?" he cried, horrified. "Like I would _ever_ date a man who wears cut off shorts and sandals. Where did you hear this?"

"Norma. He said you'd lie about it," she responded cheerfully. "He also told me about how Lady Cluck used to steal your lunch money and beat you up."

"_What?" _He threw down his tea cup in disgust. "That is an ugly rumor and I refuse to contribute to its validation by discussing it. Rumors have no place at the tea table. Did Norma tell you he actually _dated_ Lady Cluck?"

"He did?" Ava's eyes went wide, trying to picture Norma with the fat chicken from _Robin Hood_.

"That was a turbulent relationship, let me tell you. I'll take a refill, Mrs. Finn." He held out his teacup, waiting until Ava had poured more imaginary tea in before he continued. "They were always fighting. _Always_."

"Really? Like Belle and Beast?"

"Worse. You know how Lady Cluck likes to knit." He smiled at Ava's enthusiastic nod, knowing she'd watched Robin Hood many times with David. Ready to gossip, he placed his teacup down and leaned forward. "Now, I heard this all from Little John when he came in for a new hat but apparently, their worst fight was over a knitting pattern."

"Really?" Her eyes were wide as she listened.

Kurt nodded and took a sip of his tea, enjoying getting back at Puck. "I don't know if he ever told you but Norma _loves_ to knit. Little John said that when he and Lady Cluck realized that they were both making the same blanket using the _same_ pattern for Robin's birthday, an all out war ensued. Totally ruined the surprise party Maid Marian had planned, especially once Lady Cluck threw the birthday cake at Norma."

"She threw it?"

"Hit him right in the face," Kurt replied solemnly. "Of course it probably didn't help that Lady Cluck had recently found out that Norma was dating both her and the Wardrobe at the same time."

"The Wardrobe?" She placed her tea cup down in surprise. "Norma never told me that."

"That doesn't surprise me, what with the way the Wardrobe and Lady Cluck beat him up once they found out about each other. Threw him right in a dumpster behind the castle," he gossiped. He leaned forward a little, prepared to test out if his plan had worked. "So Mrs. Finn. Have you thought of any baby names? As big sister you get to provide input on the name."

"I do?" She thought for a moment, refilling Minnie's tea cup as she did so. "Rapunzel."

He smiled, pleased to see his plan was successful. "Rapunzel, huh?"

Ava nodded enthusiastically. "Rapunzel Cinderella Hudson."

"And if it's a boy, is it Flynn Rider Hudson?" he questioned, taking a sip of tea.

"No. It's still Rapunzel Cinderella Hudson," she decided.

"It is a beautiful name," he agreed. "He or she will never have to worry about anyone else having their name."

Ava beamed, adjusting her necklaces again. "I think it's pretty."

"How's tea time going?"

Surprised, Kurt and Ava turned their heads to see Finn and Rachel in the doorway. Kurt gave a small thumbs up. "We're just gossiping about business."

"Business?" Finn asked, confusion in his voice. "You mean tea?"

"Business," Kurt replied firmly. He turned towards Ava, nodding his head at Finn and rolling his eyes. "Little brothers. Honestly."

Ava nodded in agreement, to the confusion of her parents. Rachel, a hand on her stomach, glanced at the tea table curiously. "What's going on, Ava baby?"

"Nothing that we can discuss with non-members," Kurt replied for her. "Although we _can_ disclose the name Ava's chosen for the baby, boy or girl."

"Which is?" Rachel asked, thrilled but confused.

"Rapunzel Cinderella Hudson," Ava announced proudly. "Uncle Kurt says he or she will never have to worry about anyone else having their name."

"Well that's true," Rachel replied slowly. "It's certainly a unique name."

Ava climbed out of seat and ran to Rachel, wrapping her arms around her leg. "Can you go get Rapunzel now so I can get my card?"

"Huh?" She glanced down at Ava. "What card?"

"The ID card all big sisters get," Ava explained impatiently. "I hope I get a princess dress in my box. And you're not going to lock me in a tower right?"

"What are you..." she trailed off, catching sight of Kurt mouthing something and finally comprehending. "Ah, I see."

"Let's go get the baby," Ava urged, grabbing her parent's hands and pulling.

"We can't today, Ava. The hospital is closed," Finn improvised, glancing at Rachel. "It _is_ closed, right?"

She nodded miserably. "Definitely."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday, November 12<strong>_

_**Mercedes' Wedding**_

_**Countdown to baby: - 12 Days**_

"Attention! We'll be starting in five minutes!" Kurt announced to the vestibule at large. "I need to do final inspection!"

He glanced down, surprised to feel tugging on both his pant legs. His surprise changed to amusement when he realized Ava had been tugging on his left leg and David on his right. "Can I help you two?"

"I want a drink, Uncle Kurt." Ava tugged on his pant leg again for emphasis, her other arm firmly wrapped around Minnie.

"Me too!" Like Ava, David gave a firm tug.

Kurt sighed. "Again? You two are going to have to go to the bathroom."

"I _want_ a drink."

"Me too!"

"Fine. Raincoats on." He held out a raincoat in each hand, wondering how he got stuck with the job of keeping Ava and David clean before the ceremony. Obediently, Ava and David each slipped into their mother's raincoats. Kurt zipped each one up, making sure that the zipper went as high as it could go before he handed each of them their sippy cups, _Toy Story _for David and _Dora_ for Ava.

"Really Kurt? Raincoats? Isn't that a little ridiculous?" Finn asked as he came into the room.

"Absolutely not. I won't have them spilling juice all over their clothes," Kurt said firmly. He eyed his brother. "You could probably benefit from wearing a raincoat before the ceremony too."

"Leave him alone, Kurt," Rachel warned, appearing out of nowhere, a hand on her back and a weird look on her face.

"Baby, are you ok?" Finn asked, immediately picking up on her body language.

"I'm fine. My stomach has just been weird today." She smiled, clutching her bouquet. "You better get in line. It's time to start."

"Alright you two. You remember what to do?" Kurt asked, grabbing the cups back from them and placing them in a potted plant. Ava and David both nodded as Finn stripped them of their raincoats before taking his own place in line. "You're going to walk together and David's going to wait while you drop your flowers, right Ava?"

"Kurt, they've got it. You've only told them ninety times," Finn snapped from his place in line. He offered an arm to the bridesmaid he was escorting. "Get in line and shut up."

"Hold on. Minnie's not walking down the aisle too, is she?" Kurt demanded, eyeing Minnie resplendent in the veil and bridal gown Mercedes had gotten Ava as a flower girl present.

Ava nodded, hugging Minnie to her chest. "Her dress matches mine."

"How are you going to drop the flowers? Maybe Grandpa Hiram or Papa can hold Minnie instead," Kurt implored, annoyed his vision might be ruined by a stuffed mouse. "Mice don't usually like to drop the flowers, you know."

Ava considered this. "Minnie does."

"Finn? Rachel? A little help?" Kurt announced crisply. "Get rid of M-i-n-n-i-e."

"Really, Kurt?" Finn replied with an eye roll. "Is that really a big deal?"

"Rachel?" He turned to his last hope. "You understand about a wedding vision not including mice."

"I agree with Finn. It's really not a big deal." She sighed, placing a hand on her back. "It makes her happy."

Kurt frowned, annoyed he didn't have Rachel's support until inspiration struck. He bent down to Ava's level, making a point of glancing at David. "You know, I probably shouldn't be saying this in front of a non-member, but dropping the flowers is traditionally a big sister job. Many members of our club have held the esteemed position. It's _very_ exclusive."

"Really?" Ava beamed, pleased to join the list.

"Oh yes." He nodded. "But I'd hate for the other members to hear that you shared the job with a non big sister like Minnie. They'd be mad."

Ava's eyes went wide and she passed over Minnie without objection, making Finn and Rachel both roll their eyes at Kurt's triumphant grin.

"I can't believe you just did that to a little girl," Finn grumbled as Minnie was dispatched with Puck to be delivered to Rachel's parents.

"It's called a vision," he retorted, waiting until Puck had returned and resumed his place in line. "Now shut up so I can start the procession."

"I get to drop the flowers," Ava announced as the processional began, dropping one for practice as she waited beside David in line. "You can't, David. Only I can. Uncle Kurt _said_."

"Ok, Ava. Mommy's going to walk down the aisle now, but I'll be watching ok? Do a good job dropping those flowers," Rachel directed, cutting off David's response and getting ready to follow Tina and Mike. She blew Ava a kiss, unable to bend down to Ava's level just before the church coordinator signaled for Rachel to begin walking. Very slowly, she walked or as she liked to put it, waddled down the aisle, remembering her own wedding day. Just like that day, she could feel Finn's eyes gazing upon her as he waited with the other groomsmen.

She took her place at the top of the altar, turning just in time to hear the collective _awws_ from the pews as David and Ava appeared at the end of the aisle, their hands clasped. They took a few steps before Ava dropped his hand and reached into her basket, proudly placing one petal painstakingly on the floor. She took exactly one step before placing another petal on the ground, David already a few steps ahead of her.

"You need to wait for me, David. I have to drop the flowers," she demanded, the hand holding the basket on her hip causing some more petals to fall. Rachel exchanged a look of amusement with Tina as David automatically stopped.

Satisfied that David was going to wait for her, she took a few steps until she was next to him again, placing a grand total of two more petals on the ground. Slowly they made their way up the aisle, Ava _very_ carefully placing the flowers on the floor while David waited. Trying not to laugh, Rachel snuck a glance at Finn, who winked at her before turning his attention back to their daughter.

They'd made it to about five pews from the altar when Ava suddenly stopped, her face crumpling when she realized her basket was empty. Finn, correctly sensing this was going to be a problem and knowing Rachel wouldn't be able to lift Ava, stepped out of the line of groomsmen prepared to gather Ava up just as the first tear escaped. He scooped her up, his heart breaking at her tears.

"No Daddy!" she wailed, ever the drama queen. "I need to drop the flowers! Uncle Kurt _said_!"

"Ava-roo, you did a fantastic job with the flowers," he soothed. "Why are you crying?"

"I have no more flowers!" She wiggled in his arms, trying to get back down to ground level. Sighing, he held tight, glancing helplessly at Rachel.

"Here, Ava." David, wanting to be done with this whole thing, tugged on Finn's pants and handed him some flowers she'd already dropped.

"I need more," she demanded suddenly tear free, sending David scurrying back down the aisle to grab more off the floor.

"There you go, Avs. You have enough now," Finn announced, watching David place the petals in her discarded basket. "Drop those flowers and go sit by Grandpa and Papa." Hoping this worked, he placed her back on the ground and resumed his place in line ignoring Puck's murmurs that David was more whipped than he was.

As if nothing had happened, a much happier Ava resumed placing her petals on the aisle, not stopping until she and David had reached the front. Her part finished, she proudly climbed onto the pew next to her grandfathers as Mercedes and her father came down the aisle a moment later, letting the ceremony begin.

Rachel watched happily, a hand on her back in an attempt to soothe the dull ache in her back. The chair they'd provided for her had proven to make her feel more uncomfortable and while standing had felt better at first, the back pain had soon returned. She could tell Finn was watching her but she ignored him, choosing to focus on the bride and groom as she shifted restlessly and rubbed her back.

Mercifully, the ceremony ended fairly quickly, allowing her to walk down the to the receiving line on the arm of the Best Man. She greeted each guest effusively, well aware of Finn's concerned eyes watching her from further down the line. Ava, having abandoned David in favor of her mother, held tightly to Rachel's leg, leaving her free to rub her back.

It became increasing harder to greet guests with the same effusiveness after hearing for about the hundredth time what a trooper she was or how they were amazed at her being in the bridal party at twelve days late and and she found she couldn't even yell at Ava when she told Sam's Aunt Clara that her floral printed dress looked like Grandpa and Papa's couch.

"Baby are you ok?" Finn asked worriedly once he was able to get over to her. "I've been watching you and you seem uncomfortable."

"Do I?" She stared in annoyance, rubbing her back once more. "It certainly can't be because I'm carrying your immense baby."

"I only meant that you've been rubbing your back constantly. Are you in labor?" he asked worriedly.

"Of course not. I just have back pain." She rubbed her back once more. "It doesn't help that this kid is taking up way too much space."

"Are you sure?" he asked doubtfully. "Isn't back pain a sign of labor? Didn't you have that last time?"

"How would you know? You weren't even there," she retorted, a hand on her back.

Wisely sensing they were treading into dangerous territory, Finn placed a hand on her lower back and began massaging gently. "Baby, all I meant was that you're already 12 days late, maybe it's labor and you won't need to be induced like Dr. Woo said, after all."

"It better not be. I've been looking forward to this wedding and I intend to be there at the end," she announced with a glance down at Ava. "Plus, I promised you post wedding fun so there's that."

"Your name is Dyson for a reason," he agreed, forgetting about Ava still attached to Rachel's leg as he kissed her neck. "You're better than a vacuum and if I can't have any fun for six weeks, I'm glad I have my little Dyson."

"Finn..." she giggled as he kissed her again. "Finn no. We need to get to the reception. The limo is waiting."

"Finn! Hands off!" Kurt chided, stomping their way and grabbing Ava's hand. "I won't have the bridal party being late to the reception because you couldn't keep your face to yourself. Isn't that how you got into this situation in the first place?"

"Shut it, Kurt. I'll kiss my wife if I want to," he snapped, guiding her towards the limo behind Kurt and Ava.

Rachel settled into the limo, glad to sit and get relief for her back. She stayed quiet in the limo, ignoring the pain and running through the speech she planned to give at the reception but by the time they'd suffered through pictures and arrived at the reception hall, the pain was getting harder to ignore.

As planned, Burt and Carole were waiting at the reception hall to pick up Ava and David. Carole however, took one look at Rachel and immediately became concerned. "Rachel honey, are you in labor?"

She smiled tightly, a hand on her back. "Of course not. It's just more Braxton Hicks. Dr. Woo and I planned my inducement for Monday so I wouldn't miss the wedding."

"Are you sure? Maybe you should call him," Carole suggested, her trained eye taking in all of Rachel's movements.

"Since I'm not in labor, I don't need to. I'll see him at 5AM Monday morning as planned," she replied, spotting Mercedes nearby. "Excuse me, I need to help the bride."

"Keep an eye on her," Carole warned once Rachel was out of hearing.

"You think she's in labor? She says she's not," Finn replied uncertainly, his eyes watching Rachel grip her back as she spoke to Mercedes and Puck. "Although all the times she said she was in labor, she really wasn't, so maybe she is."

"I think she is," Carole decided. "She won't be able to deny it much longer."

"Dude, what's with the ball and chain? She practically bit my head off when I asked how much she stuffed the boob area of that dress," Puck griped as he interrupted them. "What is she now? B?"

"Small C," Finn replied, forgetting that his parents were there. He flushed. "But uh, leave her alone."

"Will do. I learned last time not to mess with her when she's in labor," he replied. "Oh! There's those little hot dogs!"

"Seriously? Even Puck thinks she's in labor?" Finn cried as Puck chased down the waiter with the hot dogs. "Why doesn't she?"

"You know how she is." She smiled, watching Ava come running up to Burt, who immediately picked her up.

"There's the prettiest flower girl I've ever seen!" he exclaimed. "You ready to go home? Grandma and I have a special surprise for you."

She nodded excitedly. "I dropped all the flowers."

"Ava baby, are you and David leaving now?" Rachel asked as she slowly walked back over, a weird look on her face.

"Baby, are you sure you're ok? Mercedes will be fine with you leaving," Finn assured her.

Evidently this was the wrong thing to say, since Rachel immediately got the stubborn look he knew well. "Finn. I've told you repeatedly, I'm not in labor. Don't you think I'd know if I was?" She turned towards Ava, blowing her a kiss. "Ava, Mommy has to go help Mercedes so I'll see you tomorrow, ok? Have fun with Grandma and Grandpa."

Finn watched her carefully as he said his own goodbyes, waiting until his parents had rounded up David and left with the kids before he tried a new tactic, silently timing her each time she made a weird face or placed her hand on her back. The first dance was a good barometer since she gripped his jacket harder than usual but still, she refused to admit she was in labor.

But it wasn't until the Best Man had finished his toast and Rachel was about to give hers that she finally had to admit what was the world's worst kept secret. She stood and walked confidently over to the dance floor, a hand on her back and launching into her speech about growing up with Mercedes.

"And then there was the time..." she paused, glancing down at the floor in horror. "I...I..."

"Oh no, not again Berry. Why can't she go into labor in the middle of the night like a normal person? What's with always needing to do it in public?" Puck griped, from his place at the table next to Finn.

"Dude! Shut up!" Finn cried, jumping up and coming to a mortified Rachel's aid. "Come on, babe, time to go."

Rachel however, shrugged him off. "No. I can finish. It's not labor."

"Rachel, it is. Your water broke and I've been timing you. Let's go." He steered her off the dance floor, Rachel saying her speech into the microphone she refused to relinquish the entire time.

"Finn! That was so rude!" she chided. "You've ruined Mercedes' wedding! I..._ooooh_."

"See? Labor." He spied Hiram coming their way, hoping he'd talk sense into her. "Why can't you just admit it? Why do you have to be so damn stubborn?"

"Princess! Dad's bringing the car around," Hiram announced. "How are you feeling?"

"_Daddy_!" she suddenly wailed, throwing herself at Hiram. "I'm in labor and Finn's being mean to me!"

He rolled his eyes at her theatrics, watching Hiram console her before he glanced outside. "There's the car. Let's go make Ava a big sister."

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: Ava's answering the phone "Daddy's office" was how Lily answered the phone on Modern Family. I always think of Lily's actions as a model for Ava so when I saw her do that, I HAD to add that office scene in. So the question becomes, Rachel's in labor but with what? Boy? Girl? Any ideas of names?_**

**_And when I started this, seashells were "so 2011."_**


	26. Members Only, Part II

_**Disclaimer: Glee is not mine.**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have any.<strong>_

_**-Leo J. Burke**_

* * *

><p>This time it's real.<p>

The baby may have taken it's time deciding to come but now that it had decided, it was clearly in a rush, judging by the ferocity of Rachel's contractions. They'd been coming hard and quick and just like last time Rachel suffered through them by taking it out on him. He bore it valiantly, choosing to focus on the baby and not on the curses and threats spewing from Rachel's mouth.

"Here comes another one. Get ready." He held out his hand, trying not to wince when Rachel gripped it. As usual, the steady stream of expletives flew out of her mouth until the contraction rendered her unable to speak and she simply dug her nails into his hand. "Almost done. Another ten seconds. You're doing amazing."

Exhausted, she sank back into the pillows and glared at him, waiting a moment before continuing their conversation the contraction had interrupted. "As I was saying, it's not my fault you have a stupid last name that goes with nothing unless you're an explorer."

"Huh?" He picked up the baby name book Rachel had thrown to the foot of the bed once the contraction had started. "Explorer?"

"Henry Hudson? The man the river is named after?" she snapped upon seeing his blank expression. "I hope our children take after me in school."

He ignored that, randomly flipping through the book. "How about Luke?"

"Luke." She mulled it over for a moment before her eyes narrowed. "No."

"Why not? It's an awesome name," he defended. "And what makes you so sure it's a boy?"

"You just want to go all Han Solo and say '_Luke I'm your dad_' when he's born," she retorted before her face took on a smug expression. "And I'm so sure it's a boy because I know what I know."

"Ok first of all, it's Darth Vader who says '_Luke, I am your father_.' And B, that would be _awesome_ to say when he's born." He stared at her suspiciously. "Third of all, how exactly do you know what you know?"

"Did you call Ava?" she asked in answer.

"Yeah she was watching some new princess movie my mom got her with Burt but don't try and change the subject," he bossed. "What do you know?"

She didn't answer, grabbing his hand as another contraction hit. Her grip tightened as she rode out the contraction and exhausted, she lay back and closed her eyes, ignoring the look Finn was giving her.

"Rachel. What do you know?" he asked again. "Does this have anything to do with those secret meetings you've been having with Kurt?"

"Maybe. Maybe not." She shrugged noncommittally.

"_Rachel_."

"I hope you're not planning on using that tone on your son," she huffed. "Not that I'll be pushing sports but I hope you're not as mean to him when you watch sports together as you are to me."

"You're serious?" He stared at her, stunned. "I'm gonna have a son?"

"Isn't that what I just said?" she snapped. "Why do you insist on not listening to me?"

"A son. I'm gonna have a son," he repeated, elated. "I mean, another daughter would be amazing but you're sure?"

"Of course I'm sure. I saw it on the file at the doctor's appointment you didn't come to," she replied, glancing at the monitor in a contraction check. "Kurt and I immediately began mapping out a boy theme for the nursery. We've decided on a train theme by the way."

"I should get to name him then." He stared at her. "You got to do everything else."

"Yes, and it's such a joy to be the lucky one suffering through contractions and labor in this hospital bed," she mocked. "If you didn't have a stupid explorer last name, we could name him after Daddy."

"You cheated and then told Kurt," he pointed out, ignoring her insult but secretly glad his last name didn't go with the name Hiram. "I want Luke."

"No." She glared at him. "I'm not having the first words our son hears be some stupid Star Trek quote."

"Star _Wars_. It's Star Wars and it's an awesome quote," he corrected, glancing at the monitor. "Get ready."

"It's stupid either way." She gripped his hand once more, screaming through the contraction. For a third time, she sank back with a glare. "And I've told you repeatedly. I'm perfectly capable of reading a monitor so stop telling me when a contraction is coming. It's annoying."

"I'll stop if we name him Luke," he replied carefully.

Rachel narrowed her eyes. "Middle name Hiram."

"Only if I get to say _Luke I am your father_ in a Darth Vader voice when he comes out," he countered.

"Fine but only once. I hear it again and I get to name our next child anything I want." She stared at him defiantly. "_Anything_."

"I can't be held responsible for Burt saying it but deal." He kissed her forehead, not noticing the door open.

"How are we doing, Rachel?" Dr. Woo asked, checking the read out from her monitors. "Looks like you're about ready to go. Ready to meet your baby?"

"I've been dying to meet my son," Rachel announced as the nurses began moving about the room and arranging her bed. Dr. Woo glanced up as he settled between her legs and she nodded at him excitedly. "It's ok, Dr. Woo. We know."

"Well let's get this baby out then." He gave out instructions as he got into position.

Rachel, her body working from memory, screamed through the first few groups of pushes, yelling at Finn each time once she was able to. He bore it heroically, holding onto her leg as she pushed, the thought of meeting his son foremost on his mind.

As he'd done with Ava's birth, he kept a careful eye on things going on between Rachel's legs, watching anxiously for any sign of a baby. He was rewarded after about twenty minutes of pushing with the first glimpse of dark hair and he grinned, prepared to tell Rachel everything.

"I see him," Finn reported excitedly. "Luke's got...my hair. _Definitely_ my hair and my nose. He's a mini me! I've got a mini me! My genes totally won this time, babe!"

"Push, Rachel. Let's get those shoulders out," Dr. Woo instructed as Rachel bore down.

"Little more babe. I can see his chest," Finn announced, watching carefully. "He's totally got my chest and belly button and...not my junk. There's no junk. Holy shit, he's got no junk! Is it still in there, Rach? Push it out!"

Rachel screamed in response as she gave a final push, creating a flurry of activity between her legs as the doctor and nurses hovered around the baby. Finn, still worried about his son's lack of junk watched anxiously. "Where's Luke's junk, Dr. Woo?"

Dr. Woo smiled, patting the baby's back as it gave a lusty cry. "There's no junk because there's no boy. Congratulations! It's a girl!"

* * *

><p>"Another girl! I can't believe it!" Carole exclaimed happily as she went about preparing breakfast. She pulled Rachel's waffle iron out of the cabinet prepared to make Ava a special big sister breakfast. "I just can't believe it. I was so sure she was having a boy."<p>

"Wait'll Ava finds out," Burt agreed as he looked up from his paper. "Of course, this means more princess stuff for Finn."

"You know he loves it," Carole replied, busy mixing waffle batter. "Just like you loved watching _The Princess and the Frog_ with Ava last night."

"The first time. The second time was rough," he answered, turning the page. "I was ready to kill you for surprising her with that movie."

"Well Kurt should be here by the time she wakes up. You know he won't mind watching with her." She tested the heat of the iron, deciding it wasn't quite ready.

"Won't mind watching what?" Kurt demanded as he walked into the kitchen. Blaine followed close behind, carrying a large box wrapped in Minnie Mouse paper.

"The princess movie your mother bought Ava for being such a good flower girl," Burt replied, taking a sip of his coffee. "What's in the box? That for the baby?"

"It's Ava's big sister box." He glanced around anxiously. "Where is she? She didn't go to the hospital yet right? I'll kill Finn if he took her already."

"She's Finn's daughter. She's still asleep," Burt chuckled. "So what'd you end up getting her?"

"Sorry. As you're not in the big brother and sister club like me, Carole and Ava, I'm afraid I can't tell you," Kurt replied seriously, taking the box from Blaine. "Blaine's lucky he got to hold it."

"Put it away till she wakes," Carole warned, pouring batter onto the waffle iron. "She thinks it's coming in the mail. She told me all about it while she took a bath last night."

"Good point. I'll be back." Kurt nodded, disappearing out of the apartment for a few minutes while the others continued to eat their breakfast. Satisfied at his plan, he rejoined the group in the apartment, now holding a few pink helium balloons bearing the words _big sister_. Carefully, he tied them to Ava's usual chair, eyeing them critically before he spoke. "It's all set. I've got the doorman on standby. So do we have a name yet?"

Carole shook her head, removing the waffles and replacing it with more batter. "Finn said they're still debating. All I know is that she was born at 2:14AM and is 7 pounds 5 ounces. She seems to be built like Finn if she was 22 inches long although he was just about 9 pounds."

"I cannot believe Rachel snooped and still got it wrong," Kurt gripped as he accepted the cup of coffee Blaine was offering. "My whole scheme has to be rethought, although fortunately Rachel and I had discussed doing a butterfly theme for a girl several months ago."

"So we're telling Ava?" Blaine asked, pouring himself some more coffee and taking a seat at the table.

"No. Finn should tell her," Carole decided, placing a plate of waffles in front of Kurt. "We'll just tell her she's a big sister."

"Yeah I..." Blaine trailed off, cocking his head. "I think I hear footsteps."

Kurt swooped into action, making the all important phone call to the doorman. All baby talked trailed off as the bathroom door was slammed and they quietly went about eating breakfast while they waited for the new big sister.

Ava appeared in the kitchen a few minutes later, one hand rubbing her eyes while the other held Minnie by the leg. Her eyes widened at the sight of the balloons. "There's balloons on my chair!"

"There's the new Big Sister!" Kurt exclaimed. "I heard you got accepted at the meeting last night. That's why you have balloons on your chair, you know."

"I did?" She squealed and ran over to her chair, pausing next to Blaine. "You're in Minnie's chair."

Blaine moved over obligingly, letting Ava place Minnie in the chair before she climbed onto her official big sister chair. Carole placed a plate of waffle pieces in front of her, handing Ava her Dora fork with a kiss. "Congratulations, Big Sister."

"Your Dora fork matches your pjs," Kurt commented approvingly as he eyed her _Dora the Explorer_ sleeper. "No wonder you got into the club so easily."

"I did?" She speared a piece of waffle, placing it carefully into her mouth as she stared at her uncle.

"Absolutely. I knew you were accepted once they asked me and Norma for recommendations," Kurt continued. "Grandma too. You didn't even have to do an interview like Norma did. He almost didn't get in after the Lady Cluck scandal."

Ava beamed at this, continuing to eat her waffles until a thought struck her. "Did the mail come? Where's my box?"

"It'll be here soon, Princess," Carole assured her. "Finish eating so you can be ready when it does."

Ava nodded, quickly finishing her waffles and disappearing into her room. She returned a minute later, now wearing her fairy wings over her pajamas. "Did it come yet?"

"Not yet. why don't you go watch cartoons with Grandpa and Uncle Blaine?" Carole suggested.

Ava nodded eagerly, grabbing Blaine's hand. "Come on, Uncle Blaine. Let's watch_ Max and Ruby_."

Ava soon became engrossed in her cartoon, temporarily forgetting about her box and completely ignoring the doorbell ringing. Nor did she notice her grandfather quietly pull out a video camera and start filming.

"The doorman's here!" Kurt called out as he walked into the room, followed by a tall thin man holding a box and some envelopes.

"I've got a package for an Ava Carole Hudson," the doorman announced. "Is she here?"

"I'm here!" Ava's eyes went wide as he placed the box down.

"I'll need you to sign," he continued, holding out a crayon.

Ava nodded excitedly, grabbing the fat crayon and scribbling something on the paper he was holding out. She climbed off the couch, bouncing in place when the doorman moved the box in front of her. She barely noticed the doorman leaving, too busy examining the box. "Is it really for me?"

"Well you signed for it," Kurt confirmed, plucking the envelope off the top. "Look, there's even a letter."

Ava made a grab for the envelope, eagerly ripping it open and staring at the words on the page for a moment before she turned and climbed onto Blaine's lap, her fairy wings hindering her from getting totally comfortable. "Read."

Amused, Blaine cleared his throat and began to read. "Dear Ava Carole Hudson-"

"That's me!" Ava cried excitedly.

"It is you," Blaine agreed, clearing his throat again.

_Dear Ava Carole Hudson,_

_The National Big Brothers and Sisters Club is pleased to inform you that as of 2:14 this morning, you have been officially accepted into our club, as a member of the Big Sister division. Enclosed you will find your official big sister shirt and ID card, which should be kept in your purse at all times and never given to little brothers or sisters to borrow. Please note that our next meeting, a tea party at Uncle Kurt's, has been rescheduled for today in your bedroom and will begin once Grandma makes cookies. Also note that our next day of fun, a trip to McDonald's for lunch and then to the circus, is scheduled for Saturday. As always, mice are allowed to come, however no little brothers or sisters may attend._

_Sincerely,_

_Calvin Klein_

_President, The National Big Brothers and Sisters Club_

"Really? Calvin Klein?" Blaine arched an eyebrow as he finished reading and handed the letter to a wide-eyed Ava.

"Yes, Calvin Klein. Not that you would know, since you're not in the club," Kurt snapped, annoyed his letter was being criticized. He turned his attention back to Ava, who'd climbed off of Blaine's lap to examine the wrapped box. "How about we open the box, Ava? I bet your shirt is in there."

Ava nodded excitedly, bouncing in place as she watched Kurt shift the box towards her. A true four year old, she made quick work of the Minnie Mouse wrapping paper and bow and eagerly pulled off the top of the box, throwing it to the floor as she reached into the packed box.

"What's in there, Ballerina?" Burt asked with a smile, watching her paw through the box and pull the first thing out.

"Shoes," she replied flatly, tossing the sparkly pink Mary Janes to the floor, clearly not impressed as she returned to the box.

"Hey! Those are special big sister shoes from the fall line!" Kurt cried, picking them up off the floor.

"_Kurt_," Carole warned, turning her attention back to Ava. "What else is in there, Princess?"

"Stickers!" Excited, she held up the _Tangled_ stickers with a flourish, handing them off to her grandmother as she turned back to the box. "And crayons!"

Carole soon had a lapful of big sister gifts; the crayons, a Princess coloring book, an elegant new tea hat, princess dress, play jewelry and a new Minnie Mouse cell phone joining the stickers, while a Minnie Mouse umbrella and matching raincoat joined the shoes on the floor.

"_Wow_," Ava breathed, pulling out a small purse decorated all around with enough pink tulle to look like a skirt. Beyond excited, she held up the purse to Kurt. "Look Uncle Kurt! Did _you_ get a pocketbook?"

"I did not." He smiled, gesturing to the box. "All I got was a T-shirt and a new bedroom when Daddy came but I think Norma got a pocketbook."

"Oh." She looked back at the box, something blinged out inside it catching her attention. Excited, she pulled out a white t-shirt bearing the words "Big Sister" on it in sparkly pink rhinestones.

"Wow! Look at that!" Blaine cried, playing up the importance of the shirt. "It says _Big Sister_. I wish I had one like that."

"Bet you're sorry you mocked Calvin Klein now," Kurt huffed watching Ava drop the shirt on the floor to pull out an official looking envelope and a Rapunzel wallet. "Do you even get a welcome kit in the little brother club?"

"Look, Uncle Kurt!" She ripped open the envelope, pulling out a small square piece of card stock just as blinged out as her t-shirt.

"Wow Ava, is that your ID card? Let's see," Blaine prompted as she stared at the card.

Ava hesitated, holding the card to her chest. "Are you a big brother?"

"Well no but-"

"I can't show you then," she decided, to the amusement of the room. Excited, she turned to fellow older sibling Kurt and climbed into his lap, her fairy wings hitting him in the face. "Read."

Kurt cleared his throat, admiring the card it had taken him hours to make. Glad he'd had the foresight to add the pink rhinestone border after he'd had the card printed up, he read aloud the two lines of words written in an elegant font. "Ava Carole Hudson, Big Sister."

"Wow," she breathed, clearly impressed.

"You better put that in your new wallet," Kurt advised. "Little brothers and sisters have been known to steal them."

Glancing suspiciously at Blaine, Ava scrambled for her new Rapunzel wallet, carefully sliding it inside before she placed the wallet in her new tulle pocketbook. Satisfied that her precious card was safe, she reached for her new coloring book and crayons and opened to a new page.

"Ava wait! Don't you want to wear your shirt?" Kurt asked eagerly. "You're in the club now, you can. See?"

Ava went wide eyed as Kurt lifted his sweater to reveal a blinged out shirt similar to hers but bearing the words 'Big Brother' on it. Excited, Ava lunged for her own t-shirt, attempting to put it on over her fairy wings.

"Hold on Ava. You can't debut your club t-shirt wearing Dora pjs under your t-shirt and fairy wings," Kurt insisted, scooping her up. "Let's go get you into a big sister worthy outfit."

They returned about ten minutes later, a wingless Ava now wearing black leggings and a black shirt under her big sister shirt along with her cowboy boots just as the sound of the front door opening hit their ears.

_"Mom? Ava?"_

"In here, baby!" Carole called out excitedly.

Finn appeared in the room a moment later, the grin on his face contrasting with his exhausted state. "Hey guys."

"Finn! Congratulations, baby!" Carole jumped off the couch, a shower of Ava's big sister presents falling to the floor as she did so. Excited to be a grandmother of two, she hugged him, pulling his face down to hers. Burt, Kurt and Blaine each stood, offering handshakes and congratulations as Finn continued to be attacked by his mother.

"Daddy! Look!" Ava cried, launching herself at Finn's legs. "I'm in the Big Sister club with Uncle Kurt and Norma!"

"I see, Avs!" He picked her up, yawning a little. "Guess what? You have a new little sister to have tea parties with! How awesome is that?"

"I'm having a special tea party for big brothers and sisters _only_," Ava announced impressively. "The meeting is in my room."

Not quite sure what to make of that, he carried Ava over to the couch and flopped on it, too tired to even care that Ava was making herself comfortable on his lap by digging her cowboy boots into his groin.

"How's Rachel doing?" Carole asked, shoving all Ava's big sister presents to the side of the couch as she sat back down on the couch. "Burt and I thought we'd go later after Ava goes."

"She's tired but she really kicked ass delivering. She pushed the baby out in like 20 minutes," Finn announced proudly, pulling out his phone and handing it to his mother. "I've got pictures."

A crowd immediately formed around Carole, who squealed at the first picture. "Baby! She looks just like you did!"

"She's definitely got your hair," Kurt commented, peering over Carole's shoulder. "That the dominant gene?"

"She looks adorable," Carole cooed. "As did Finn when he was a newborn with that head of hair."

"What do you think Avs?" Finn asked, smiling as Carole showed Ava a picture.

"Where's Mommy?" she replied in answer as she looked towards the hall, clearly expecting Rachel.

"Mommy's staying with your new little sister," he commented carefully. "See the picture?"

"She's not coming home?" Ava asked worriedly.

"Mommy's waiting for you to come visit," he assured her. "She's _so_ sad you're not there."

"She is?" She grabbed Minnie off the floor and placed her in the doll stroller nearby before grabbing her new big sister purse off the couch. "Let's go, Daddy."

"Ava, wait!" Kurt cried as Ava began pushing her stroller towards the door. He waited until Ava had stopped pushing and turned to look at him. "Don't you want to show Mommy your box?"

Ava considered this, a hand on her stroller. "Get my box, Daddy."

"Let's hope the Berry bossy gene missed your sister," Finn grumbled, taking the box a snickering Kurt was holding out. He tucked the box under one arm, suddenly remembering Rachel's explicit instructions when he'd left her earlier. "Ava-roo, how about we stop at the store and pick out a little sister gift?"

Ava looked at Kurt uncertainly, who nodded. "I think that's a great idea. I mean it's not like your little sister has a cool club like you do."

"Oh." She looked back at Finn, nodding as she slipped on her Minnie sunglasses. "Ok. Hold my pocketbook."

"Great." He rolled his eyes but took her purse and followed her down to the waiting cab, quickly directing the driver to take them to the toy store. He followed Ava around while she considered toy after toy, finally settling on a large stuffed Daisy Duck to match her Minnie Mouse. Anxious to get back to Rachel and the new baby, he quickly ushered Ava back into a cab and over to the hospital. Ava severely tested his patience by insisting on maneuvering her stroller through the crowds and further insisting on ID badges for both Minnie and Daisy but eventually they managed to cram themselves into an elevator stroller and all.

"This way Avs." He held open the elevator doors open at the sixth floor with the hand not holding her purse, waiting for her to push her stroller off before they set off down the hall.

The sight of Ava pushing her little stroller with Minnie and Daisy securely inside while Finn carried her purse and big sister box next to her earned smiles from everyone they passed but it wasn't until they walked over to the nurses station to check in that anyone commented.

"Look at you!" a nurse cooed, peering over the counter at Ava. "Are you a new big sister?"

Ava nodded proudly. "I have a card."

Amused, the nurse watched as Ava took her purse from her father, quickly pulling out the card.

"Are you a big sister?" Ava asked, her card still securely in her hand. "I can't give it to little sisters. Calvin Klein _said_."

"I am." The nurse laughed, glancing at Finn who shrugged.

"Ok. Here." Relieved, she handed the card over. "Where's your card?"

"Oh it's in my purse in my locker," she improvised, still laughing as she handed the card back to Ava.

"Are you going to the circus on Saturday with the Big Brother and Sister club?" Ava asked as she carefully placed the card back in her purse and handed the bag back to her father. "I'm going with Uncle Kurt, Grandma and Norma."

"I'm afraid I have to miss that meeting since I have to work," the nurse replied as she rummaged through a drawer. "But since you're a fellow big sister, I have something for you."

Ava's eyes went wide as the nurse pinned a large pink ribbon proclaiming her a big sister to her shirt. "Daddy, look!"

"Super cool, Avs," he responded, shifting her box under his arm. "Ready to go see Mommy?"

Ava grinned excitedly, bouncing in place at the thought. She grabbed her stroller and began pushing, following her father as he walked down the hall.

"Baby, look who's here," Finn announced, holding open the door and checking to make sure that Rachel was ready. She'd been adamant that the baby be in the incubator when Ava arrived, having read that it was important for older siblings to see their mother alone first and given how crazy her hormones were at the moment he wouldn't put it last her to divorce him for arriving too early. Fortunately, he could see the baby sound asleep in her incubator while Rachel watched a movie on TV.

"There's my Ava-girl!" Rachel exclaimed from the hospital bed, happily holding her arms out as Ava pushed her stroller into the room.

"Mommy!" Her stroller abandoned, Ava ran to the bed and attempted to climb on.

"Careful around Mommy," Finn warned, picking her up and placing her on the bed next to Rachel. He smiled as he watched mother and daughter hug.

"Mmm. I missed you so much," Rachel cooed, giving Ava an Eskimo kiss. "Have you been having fun with Grandma and Grandpa?"

Ava nodded happily. "We watched_ The Princess and the Frog_. But look!"

Rachel oohed and ahhed in all the right places as Ava proudly showed the contents of the Big Sister welcome kit. She waited until Ava had carefully placed her ID card back in her purse before she exchanged a glance with Finn, nodding towards the incubator. "Ava, are you ready to see your little sister?"

Ava nodded, looking around curiously as if she expected the baby to walk through the door.

Finn carefully lifted the baby out of the incubator, carrying her over to the bed and settling next to Ava. "Here's your new little sister, Avs."

Ava peered at the sleeping baby in her father's arms, clearly not impressed by what she saw. "Why's she all red?"

"Because she was just born this morning," Finn replied proudly, watching the baby squirm in her sleep.

"She looks like Elmo."

"You want to hold Elmo?" he asked. "Lean against Mommy."

"_Finn_! Her name is not Elmo!" Rachel hissed, watching him carefully arrange the baby on Ava's lap.

"Well since we can't decide on a name, Elmo it is," he countered, snapping a picture with his phone before sitting carefully on the bed in front of Ava, his arms hovering in case.

"Elmo's crying, Daddy," Ava announced, glancing down at the squirming baby in her arms.

"Lemme take Elmo." He took the baby from Ava, cradling the baby to his chest.

"Her name is _not_ Elmo!" Rachel cried again. "We decided on Clarice!"

"No, _you_ decided and voted for me," Finn pointed out. "I told you, I'm not naming my daughter Clarice and having people go _'hello Clarice'_ in a serial killer voice. And I'm once again doing a preemptive strike on Barbra."

"Doesn't the fact that I just pushed her out count for more?" she pouted, watching Finn settle into the rocking chair with the baby. Ava remained on the bed with Rachel, rummaging through her big sister box for crayons and her Princess coloring book. "What are you doing, Angel?"

"I'm making a picture for Elmo." She flipped through her book, finally deciding on a picture of Princess Tiana staring up at a star. She selected a fat blue crayon, setting to work with her tongue sticking out of the corner of her mouth as she concentrated.

"Clarice will love it," Rachel promised, glancing at the coloring book picture curiously. "Is this a new princess?"

"That's Tiana," Ava explained, switching to a black crayon. She pointed to the star with her crayon. "And that's Evangeline. She helps Tiana find the prince."

"Grandma and Grandpa have already watched it twice since they bought it for her," Finn added helpfully, secretly glad it wasn't him. "Grandpa _loves_ it."

"He likes Ray," Ava elaborated, immediately beginning to sing her own version of _Ma Belle Evangeline _as she reached for her pink crayon. "Ray stays with Evangeline."

"I'll have to watch with you when I get home, baby," Rachel decided. "It sounds good."

"Done." Satisfied that her picture was perfect, Ava held it up for inspection.

"It looks amazing, Avs. How about we hang it up?" Finn suggested, shifting the blanket around the baby. "Did you show Mommy the present you brought for Elmo?"

Ava climbed off the bed, scattering crayons everywhere as she made a beeline for her stroller. Carefully, she unbuckled Daisy and tucked her under her arm, watching as Finn passed the sleeping baby off to Rachel before she climbed back on the bed. "Here Elmo. I got you Daisy."

She held Daisy out to the baby, who sneezed in her sleep. Ava seemed to take that as a sign the baby liked it and placed the duck next to Rachel before she settled against the pillow.

"_Clarice_ brought you something too, Ava," Rachel announced, nodding to Finn who pulled something out of Rachel's cabinet and made his way over to the bed.

"Look Avs, Mommy's not the only one who has a baby here," Finn announced, showing Ava the bundle in his arms. He smiled at Ava's awe struck expression, glad Rachel had had the idea to dress the doll in an identical outfit and blanket just like the real baby. "Here's your baby!"

"Mine?" Ava asked, wide eyed as Finn placed the baby doll in her arms. "But she's not red."

"Uh...that's because she's a little older than Mommy's baby. Your baby came last night so that's why she's not red," Finn improvised. "You and Mommy can take care of your babies together."

Still wide eyed, she glanced at Rachel, carefully taking note of the way she was holding the baby and immediately shifted the doll in her arms to mimic Rachel.

"Uncle Kurt's coming to take you shopping for baby furniture, Ava. You'll need everything just like I have," Rachel promised, adjusting the blanket around the baby and smiling when Ava did the same, Finn snapping picture after picture. They'd just posed for their official family portrait when a knock on the door sounded.

"How are we doing in here?"

The three occupants glanced at the door to see Ava's pediatrician Dr. Fowler, enter the room, a clipboard in her hand. Ava watched, fascinated as Dr. Fowler checked over the baby.

"All goes well she can leave Monday morning. No name yet?" Dr. Fowler asked, scribbling on her board.

"Not yet," Finn cut in before Rachel could say Clarice.

"My baby doesn't have a name either," Ava announced. "Do you need to check her?"

Dr. Fowler smiled and did a quick exam of the doll while Ava watched anxiously. "Everything looks good. She can probably go home today."

Ava frowned, climbing off the bed with her doll in her arms. Carefully, she placed the doll in her sister's incubator, to the amusement of the adults. "She can't go home yet! Elmo isn't!"

"Ava, you can take her home now," Finn assured her. "Don't you want to bring her to tea?"

"She needs to stay," Ava insisted, adjusting the blanket over the doll. She climbed back on the bed, reaching for her coloring book again. She opened to a fresh page, happily coloring a picture of Ray singing to Evangeline while her baby slept.

"She can go home when the baby does," Rachel promised, taking the baby back from the doctor. "You need to get ready for your baby anyway. Uncle Kurt should be here soon."

Ava nodded, busy coloring her picture while her parents talked to the doctor. She'd managed to color three more pictures and decorate Rachel's hospital room with them before Kurt arrived bearing yet another present for Ava and a designer outfit for the baby.

"Where's my new niece?" Kurt demanded, handing Ava her new present, this time a little diaper bag that was an exact replica of Rachel's before talking the baby from Rachel. He admired the baby for a moment before turning back to Ava. "How great is that bag, Ava? It's just like Mommy's!"

Ava squealed, immediately putting the bag on her shoulder. "Look Mommy!"

"I see Angel!" Rachel beamed, watching Ava model the bag. "We match!"

Finn however, paled slightly at the sight of the bag and prayed that it wasn't exactly like Rachel's designer diaper bag in one particular aspect. "Wait. Is that an exact replica of Rachel's cost-wise too?"

Kurt waved a hand dismissively, handing the baby back to Rachel. "You know I feel that Ava should be exposed to designer luxury at an early age."

"_Kurt_! Are you insane giving that expensive of a bag to a four year old?" Finn hissed. He may have only had a vague idea of how much Rachel's bag cost based on the designer but he had a _very_ strong feeling he didn't want to know the exact amount.

"Relax. I have a connection at that design house. Since they've been toying with a kid's line, Ava's bag is a one of a kind prototype. It's perfect really. They get to test the bag out on a kid and I get to combat the bad clothes genes you two passed on." He turned to Ava. "Ready to shop till we drop for your baby?"

Ava nodded eagerly, grabbing her purse and making a beeline for her stroller while Finn sighed, afraid of how much Kurt and Rachel's latest idea was going to cost him. "Try not to go crazy, Kurt. Maybe Mom should go with you."

"That bargain shopper? I don't think so." He slipped his sunglasses on, Ava doing the same next to him. "Ava demands luxury. Word gets out that she went cheap and she'll never be able to show her face in Miss Fiona's room again. It's vicious at the craft table."

Finn rolled his eyes. "Seriously? I think she'll survive."

"Kurt, just get what we discussed and we'll pay you later," Rachel cut in, rocking the baby softly.

"I'm on it." He adjusted his sunglasses, watching Rachel rock the baby. "No name yet?"

"We're still debating." She frowned, looking down at the baby. "Finn is rejecting all my choices."

"Like you're not rejecting all mine?" he shot back, settling on the chair next to the bed.

"Not gonna name her Finnessa?" Kurt asked with a snicker.

"Shut it, Kurt," Finn snapped. "Don't you have shopping to do?"

"Daddy's right, Ava. We've got lots of shopping to do." He held out his hand. "Come."

Finn waited until good byes were said and Ava had pushed her stroller out the door before he spoke again. "I don't even want to know how much this is going to cost me."

"She needs to feel special too. I should think you'd want her to feel that way," Rachel replied. "If she's going to take care of a baby, she needs the proper supplies."

He sighed. "But to send her with Kurt?"

"Who better? You heard him, the craft table is vicious." She smiled down at the baby in her arms as a little cry was heard. "I think someone's hungry."

"We really need to name her," he replied, watching Rachel lower her hospital gown to start nursing. "Joanna?"

She frowned, adjusting the baby against her breast. "No. She's not a Joanna. Marian."

He shook his head. "Hate it. She's not an old lady. How about Claire?"

"Claire?" Rachel hissed. "As in your crazy ex-girlfriend? No way."

He rolled his eyes. "Fine. Haley?"

"Now you're just naming characters from _Modern Family_," Rachel griped, adjusting the baby against her breast again.

"This kid definitely takes after me," Finn commented, watching the baby nurse. "She's as big a fan of your boobs as I am."

"It's definitely easier this time," Rachel admitted, memories of the difficulties she'd encountered with Ava on her mind. "She's yet to have a bottle. Leisel?"

"Hell no. What's the girl form of Luke?" Finn asked, grabbing the baby book and thumbing through. "Lukina? Lukette?"

"I am not naming my daughter Lukina!" Rachel cried. "At this rate we might as well go with Ava's choice of Rapunzel Cinderella."

"She'd love it," Finn agreed. "What's cooler than a princess name?"

Rachel bit her lip. "Maybe we should involve her more. The book says it's very important."

He eyed her big sister stuff scattered all over and the pictures she'd decorated hung up. "I think she's involved. Look at all the pictures she did for you."

Rachel smiled. "They're all pictures of the same characters. I guess they're her favorite?"

"Evangeline and Ray? Absolutely. I heard all about Evangeline on the way here," he replied, making a face. "I think Burt would go crazy if he had to watch again."

She laughed, switching the baby to her other breast. "I guess that's awaiting me when I come home."

"You know it." He grinned, reaching over to stroke the baby's head lightly. "But seriously, this little girl needs a special name and not an old lady name from a musical."

"I agree." She eyed one of Ava's pictures thoughtfully. "You know, I always liked the name Lena. It was on my list of my future children's names."

"Yeah?" He glanced up at her, still stroking the baby's head. "So you want to name her Lena?"

She shook her head. "No. Not exactly. Lena is too common for a first name now but it's a cute nickname."

"So what then?" He stared in confusion.

"What if I told you I had a name that could satisfy your special requirement, involve Ava and still incorporate the name Lena?" she asked with a smile, her eyes wandering back to one of Ava's pictures.

He grinned, following her gaze. "Middle name Rachel and we'll call her Lena for short?"

Rachel smiled down at the baby as she finished feeding and yawned. "Evangeline Rachel Hudson, I like it."

"How about you, Lena? You think your name is special enough?" Finn asked, pressing a kiss to the baby's head. Evangeline gave a little mewl, her eyes closing. "That's a sign of approval, Rach!"

"Wait'll Ava finds out her name is Evangeline," Rachel commented as Evangeline drifted off to sleep. She carefully passed the baby off to Finn, who stealthily placed her in the incubator next to Ava's doll.

"She'll love it," he predicted, adjusting the hat Evangeline wore. "Good luck to her trying to come up with a name for her baby that tops it."

Rachel laughed as Finn climbed onto the bed with her. "She'll probably use Rapunzel Cinderella to match."

He slipped an arm around her, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "How awesome is this? Two daughters?"

"Amazing, right?" She stared at the incubator, watching Evangeline sleep for a moment. "Even if it wasn't a Luke like we thought?"

"Lena's much better than a Luke," he decided. "But next time you snoop, get it right."

She glared. "I can't help it if the nurse has poor handwriting."

"Uh huh." He stroked her arm softly. "Maybe Evangeline's nickname should be Luke."

"Absolutely not. What would we do next time then?" she asked, resting her head on his shoulder.

"Next time?" He quirked an eyebrow.

She nodded. "I owe you a Luke."

He pressed another kiss to her forehead. "Can't wait."

* * *

><p><em><strong>We're here and you're dead.<strong>_

Kurt closed the text message with a smug look. "They're on their way up."

"Blaine! LeRoy! They're here!" Hiram called out the door of the nursery. He turned back to Carole and Kurt, busy giving the nursery a final stamp of approval. "Everything in here looks great. Let's go greet them."

Kurt swept a critical eye over the butterfly themed room. "It's fantastic considering the short time frame I had. Don't you think so, Carole?"

"It's wonderful, Kurt," Carole assured him, already hurrying out of the room. "Evangeline will love it."

"It's purple at Ava's request to match Daisy Duck's outfit, since her room is pink like Minnie's." He followed Carole and Hiram out into the hall. "They better have put the gorgeous outfit I had made on her."

"She'll look adorable no matter what," Carole predicted. "She looked absolutely precious in that outfit you had her in yesterday."

"She did, didn't she," Kurt decided. "I had that outfit custom made with extra leg room since she's all leg. It matches the bow hat, of course."

"Best dressed baby at that hospital since Ava," Hiram added as the front door opened. "Oh! Here they are!"

Rachel appeared first, one arm holding the carrier in which a sleeping Evangeline was currently residing. Ava followed close behind, the doll sized carrier hanging from one arm currently occupied by both her new doll and Minnie.

"There she is!" Hiram announced, LeRoy busy taking picture after picture of a sleeping Evangeline next to him. "Look at her sleeping! Did you ever?"

"Ava's baby is sleeping too," Rachel announced, nodding meaningfully at the group. Carole, Hiram, LeRoy and Blaine immediately began snapping pictures and fawning over Ava's doll, while Kurt began a close inspection of Evangeline.

"I better not see a onesie bearing the words _new in town_," Kurt declared, casting a suspicious look at Blaine, currently busy helping Ava unbuckle her doll from the carrier.

"It's November, Kurt," Rachel chided, not bothering to point out she'd put it on Evangeline under the fancy outfit Kurt had provided for her to come home in. She placed Evangeline's carrier on the table, smiling at the sight of a doll sized swing next to Evangeline's swing. "She's dressed warm."

"My baby's dressed warm too," Ava added, beaming as her grandfather held her doll.

"Ava baby, I'm going to put Evangeline in her crib to sleep. Why don't you put your baby in her crib?" Rachel suggested, nodding towards the little doll sized crib Ava had had Burt set up next to Evangeline's portable crib.

"i can't. My baby needs a blanket. Daddy has it," Ava replied with a frown.

"I'll help you, Rachel," Carole offered, Ava's words suddenly registering. "Where _is_ Finn?"

"I'm here."

All eyes turned to the door to see Finn loaded down with supplies for not one but two babies. True to his word, Kurt had taken Ava shopping for supplies, which meant that any equipment Rachel had for Evangeline now had a doll sized version next to it, in addition to all the clothes they'd bought for her baby. Ava had insisted on bringing every last piece of her baby's wardrobe to the hospital to show Rachel, which meant that Finn was loaded down with both Evangeline's and Rachel's suitcases, plus the doll's and Ava's abandoned baby stroller. Burt stood behind him, holding a single suitcase of yet more doll clothes and Daisy Duck. He glared at Kurt, shifting the package of diapers tucked under one arm.

"I need my blanket, Daddy," Ava demanded, tugging the blanket out from one of the bags Finn was carrying and making the diapers fall out from under Finn's arm, along with one of the doll's suitcases.

"Finn! Stop fooling around and bring Lena's stuff into the nursery!" Rachel called over her shoulder as she carried Evangeline's carrier down the hall, Carole following close behind. Finn sighed, immediately moving to follow them.

"Look Uncle Blaine! My baby is home. You can hold her before she goes to sleep like Lena," Ava bossed, taking her doll from LeRoy and passing her to Blaine. "But only for a minute. She needs to sleep."

"Wow, look at you with your own baby to take care of, just like Mommy!" He passed the baby doll back to Ava, who carefully placed her in the crib. "What's her name going to be?"

"Dyson," she replied immediately. "Dyson Cinderella Hudson."

Kurt stared, amused by the name. "Dyson's a vacuum, Ava. It's not a name."

"Yes it is." Firm in this belief, she picked the blanket up off the floor. "It's Mommy's name."

"Mommy's name is _Rachel_." He glanced around the room in confusion.

"No it's not. It's Dyson." She spread a blanket over her doll. "Daddy _said_."

"Daddy said Mommy's name is Dyson?" Kurt questioned.

She nodded, tucking the blanket around Dyson. "He said good thing Mommy's name is Dyson because she's better than a vacuum and he can't have any fun for six weeks."

"Oh..._oh_." He stared, looking uncomfortably around the room at his family as Ava's words set in.

Ava, satisfied that Dyson was sleeping and completely unaware of the embarrassment among her grandfathers and uncles, climbed onto the couch next to Burt just as Finn emerged from the bedroom.

"Rachel and Mom have everything under control so I figured I'd come out here," he announced. "What's going on out here?"

"Ava's been filling us in on Rachel's hidden talent," LeRoy replied crisply.

"Yeah? What talent is that?" Finn asked, easily settling next to Blaine.

"Ask Ava what her baby's name is." LeRoy nodded at Ava, currently engrossed in an episode of Dora.

"Oh awesome Avs! What'd you name your baby?" He smiled, noticing the doll in her new crib.

Ava tore her attention away from the TV for a moment. "Dyson."

"Dyson? Why'd you name her that?" Finn asked, his tone confused.

LeRoy cleared his throat, sending a glare in Finn's direction. "Dyson Cinderella Hudson is apparently named after my daughter."

"Huh?" He stared, his expression bewildered.

"Yes, apparently my Little Star is better than a vacuum." He glared again, making Finn squirm as understanding dawned.

"What? _No_! I...I mean...she's awesome at..." He faltered, his face scarlet.

"It's not enough that she's endured nine long months of pregnancy plus a grueling labor to deliver _your_ child, now you expect her to do _that_ for the next six weeks?" he demanded.

"She likes it!" he blurted out, immediately becoming even more horrified by his word vomit. His eyes darted around the room, looking anywhere but at his fathers-in-law.

"What do I like?" Rachel asked, walking into the room with Carole just behind her. "I'm assuming you're talking about me?"

"Lena's asleep?" Finn questioned in an attempt to change the subject. "Maybe you should sleep too, babe."

"I just got home. I think I can spend time with my family. But yes, Evangeline's asleep in her bassinet." She smiled, carefully sitting on the couch. "So what are we talking about? The fabulous push present Finn got me?"

"It is amazing, Rachel," Kurt replied, admiring the jewelry box holding the diamond scroll band ring residing next to the designer bag Finn had also gotten her. "Finn did _much_ better this time. How long before you can wear it?"

"Hopefully soon." She frowned, holding out her hand to stare at her swollen fingers. Her frown morphed into a smile however, the moment she remembered something and she clutched at her necklace. "I _can_ wear this though. Look!"

"Beautiful, Princess," Hiram preened, leaning in to inspect the new charm bearing the letter E now residing next to the letter A charm that Rachel had proudly worn for the past four years.

"Where's my present?" Ava asked, glancing at Rachel's necklace and very familiar with the letter A charm. "I didn't get a mommy necklace."

"Well you still need to name your baby, baby," Rachel replied, pulling Ava onto her lap. "Then you get a mommy necklace."

"My baby has a name now," Ava insisted, completely oblivious to the discomfort of all the adults save her mother or the fact that her father had paled as he shifted from foot to foot.

"She does?! Daddy didn't tell me!" She cuddled Ava closer. "What did you name her?"

"Babe, I think Lena's crying," Finn cut in.

Rachel cocked her head, considering this as she stole a glance at the video monitor. "She's fine. I just fed her."

"Are you sure? I swear I heard her crying," he insisted.

"I'm telling you, she's fine." She gestured to her chest. "She got more than enough."

"Maybe you should go pump now, so we can all feed her," Finn urged.

"I'll do it later," she snapped. "Can I just relax for a moment?"

"Daddy, do you hear Dyson crying?" Ava asked worriedly. "She just ate too."

"Who, Chickadee?" Rachel asked, her tone confused as she looked down at Ava.

"My baby." She climbed off Rachel's lap, bouncing over to Dyson's crib. "Dyson."

"You named your baby _Dyson_?" Rachel repeated slowly, watching Ava check on her baby. "Why?"

"Actually, it's Dyson Cinderella Hudson," Kurt put in helpfully with a snicker. "She's named after you."

Finn groaned, knowing it was only a matter of time before Rachel figured it out.

"Why would she name her Dyson then if she's..." Her voice trailed off in horror as realization dawned, a hand flying to her face. "Oh. My. _God_."

Satisfied that Dyson was still sleeping, Ava climbed onto the couch next to Rachel. "Dyson's still sleeping just like Lena, Mommy."

Too mortified to look at anyone, Rachel jumped up, her eyes narrowed in Finn's direction. "Finn, can I see you inside please?"

Finn, with the air of an inmate about to go to the chair, nodded weakly and followed her into Ava's bedroom.

Rachel waited until he'd come to a stop by Ava's tea table before she shut the door and turned on him. "Tell me our daughter named her doll Dyson simply because I own a Dyson vacuum. Tell me."

"Uh..." He trailed off, rubbing his neck awkwardly. "Ava must've heard me say it to you at the wedding."

"I don't believe this!" she shrieked, grabbing Ava's tea pot off the table and hitting him with it. "Do they all know?"

"Uh well my mom doesn't," he answered, ducking the blows of the tea pot. "Although I'm guessing Kurt's filled her in by now."

Rachel shrieked again, hitting him harder. "My fathers know? Is _that_ what you were telling my fathers I like?"

"Well you do!" he blurted out unwisely.

She hit him harder. "So what! You don't hear me telling your mom that you like it doggy style, do you? Maybe that could be the name of Ava's next baby!"

He winced, wrestling the tea pot from her only to have her grab Ava's frying pan and start hitting him again. "Babe! Calm down. You're gonna wake Lena!"

"_Calm down_? You want me to calm down?" she screeched, whacking him again. "Our daughter just told our entire family about our sex life and all you can say is calm down? She's going to tell everyone about our sex life once they ask why her baby is named Dyson! _Everyone_! I can never show my face at preschool again!"

"It's not that bad. Maybe we can-" he began, gripping the hand holding the frying pan.

"_We_?" she repeated, pointing the frying pan at him. "Oh no no. There is no _we_ in this. This is all _you_."

"Me?" he cried. "But you're the one who's humiliated!"

"Exactly." She poked him with the frying pan. "Fix. This. Now."

"How?" he asked stupidly. "She's like you. If I try to get her to change it, she'll insist on keeping it."

"You better figure something out," she snapped, poking him once more before she marched to the door. "I'm going to sleep now and when I wake up, lunch better be ready and the only Dyson in this house better be the one in the closet."

He sighed, following her out of the room. Rachel made a sharp left, heading for their bedroom and he sighed again, heading back out to Ava and their families. Dyson was still sleeping in her crib, allowing Ava to listen to Carole read her favorite Minnie Mouse book, _Where's Fifi?. _He bided his time, formulating a plan while Ava listened to her book.

"Hey Avs?" he suggested casually once she was done reading. "Are you _sure_ you want to name the baby Dyson?"

She nodded, climbing off her grandmother's lap to retrieve a piece of paper of the table. "Look!"

He paled as he accepted the paper, recognizing the blank birth certificate Dr. Fowler had given Ava in the hospital. Someone (he strongly suspected Kurt) had filled in _Dyson Cinderella_ in the name section, along with the other miscellaneous information. "Is that your baby's birth certificate?"

She nodded happily. "Uncle Kurt helped."

Damn him. He glared at Kurt, who was doing a poor job of suppressing his laughter.

"So you're really going to name your baby Dyson?" he questioned, his tone still casual. "I don't know, it doesn't seem as cool as Ava Carole to me."

"I like it. It's pretty," she insisted.

"Oh it's pretty but do you think it's as cool as Ava Carole?" he pressed. "I mean what would Norma say?"

"Norma likes it," she replied. "But he said her middle name should be Muffin."

"He's an...wait what? When did Norma say that?" Finn demanded.

"He called Uncle Blaine while Mommy was yelling at you. Did you have to go in time out?" she asked, concerned.

"Something tells me he will be," Kurt snickered.

"Shut up, Kurt," Finn snapped, not wanting to imagine how much more furious Rachel was bound to be at this new development. Forget the six weeks. At this rate, he'd be lucky to back in her good graces (and pants) by summer. He turned to Ava, his voice growing desperate. "Ava, don't you want to name your baby Rapunzel? How about Minnie or Dora?"

"No. I like Dyson." She turned back to her show.

"How about Ruby?" he pleaded.

Her eyes shifted away from the TV. "Dyson."

He threw up his hands in disgust. "I'm dead. It's like arguing with Rachel."

"Let me try," Carole offered.

"Be my guest. I'm gonna use the bathroom while I still can." He stood, stomping out of the room.

"Ava baby, I think Dyson is a lovely name, very pretty," Carole began carefully.

Ava beamed. "It's Mommy's name."

"Right, but it's Mommy's _secret_ name," Carole stressed.

Interested, Ava turned her full attention to her grandmother. "Secret name?"

"Secret name." She nodded firmly. "We all have secret appliance names, like super heroes."

"Really?" Her eyes went wide.

"It's true. Daddy's the Human Garbage Disposal," Kurt cut in with a snicker.

"Not helping, Kurt. Since it's a _secret_ name Ava, that means we can't let people know who Dyson is named after. You wouldn't want Mommy to get in trouble would you?" Carole asked innocently.

"No." Ava shook her head vigorously.

"Maybe Dyson needs a nickname, just like Evangeline is Lena," Hiram suggested.

Ava looked like she was considering this, making Carole push on hopefully. "So how about we come up with a nickname?"

"Muffin. Her nickname can be Muffin, like Norma said," Ava decided, not realizing that just made it worse.

Carole hesitated, exchanging looks with the other adults. "Muffin's nice but I think we could come up with something much better, don't you think so, Kurt?"

"Absolutely." He nodded seriously. "Why don't you call her Coco, as in Chanel?"

Ava mulled this for a second. "No. I like Dyson."

"Tiana?" Carole suggested, exchanging nervous glances with Burt. "How about Tiana?"

"_No."_

Every name suggested seemed to make Ava more insistent on keeping the name Dyson, which meant that by the time Finn emerged from the bathroom Ava was happily watching _Max and Ruby_, her family having given up trying to rename the doll and Dyson, unaware of the furor over her name, continued to sleep in her crib nearby. Unsure of how to proceed, he opted for total ignorance of the problem as he helped his mom make dinner, hoping Ava would just forgot about the name.

Naturally she didn't, something he didn't find out until Rachel had awoken and made her way back to the table, monitor in hand. Finn, eager to get back on Rachel's good side, helped her settle in the chair, placing the monitor near her plate. "Have a good sleep, baby?"

"Did you take care of that little problem?" she asked immediately, taking a sip of water. Her eyes flickered across the table to Ava, who was engrossed in telling Blaine the story of Ray and Evangeline, her big sister balloons still bobbing merrily above her chair.

Fortunately, Evangeline's cries began reverberating through the monitor which meant Rachel was distracted from hearing his answer. She jumped up, immediately heading to her bedroom and returning after a few minutes, a quiet Evangeline in her arms.

"She eat?" Finn asked, not noticing that Ava had left the table.

"No she just needed a diaper change. She'll want to eat soon I think." She adjusted the hat on Evangeline's head. "How cute is this hat Kurt got her?"

"Adorable," Carole cooed, holding her arms out for the baby just as Ava returned, doll in her arms. Ava frowned at the sight of Evangeline, running back out of the room and returning after a minute, a hat similar to Evangeline's now on the doll's head.

Rachel smiled at the sight for a moment until she remembered the events of earlier and her eyes narrowed at her husband. "You never answered. Did you fix that problem?"

He shifted uncomfortably. "Uh well..."

"Ava baby, did your baby just wake up too?" Rachel asked, her voice a lot sweeter than the one she'd used for her husband.

Ava nodded. "Dyson needed her diaper changed like Lena. I think she'll want to eat soon."

"_Finn_!" Rachel screeched, startling the baby in Carole's arms and making her cry. Carole immediately stood and began pacing the room soothingly, Ava doing the same with Dyson behind her. "I thought you were going to take care of that!"

"I tried! But it's like fighting with you!" he cried, throwing his hands up in the air. "She's insisting."

"She's four. I think you can outwit her." She glared at Finn.

"Why are you so mad? I didn't make you convince her to change Finnessa Evelyn's name," he stupidly pointed out. "She tells everyone that's my real name."

"Exactly my point," Rachel snapped. "Fix this now."

"I tried! She likes it!" he cried. "Maybe you should just legally change your name to Dyson."

"Thankfully Evangeline is sleeping in our room so I don't have to sleep alone tonight." She stood, glaring at Finn. "Because you certainly aren't sleeping in there."

"Don't be ridiculous Rachel." He closed his eyes in frustration. "You don't mean that."

"_Don't_ tell me what I mean or don't mean," she snapped. "You can use your time on the couch to think about how to fix this problem."

"Rachel..." he sighed, wisely not pointing out that up until today she'd _liked_ the name Dyson and was actually proud of it. He turned to Ava, still pacing behind her grandmother. "Ava, how about we use Mommy's other name, Rachel?"

"No." She shifted Dyson to her other shoulder as she paced, patting her back like Carole was doing with Lena.

"Are you sure? Rachel's a seriously cool name. Much cooler than Dyson," he pleaded, really not looking forward to the couch, knowing from past experience that there was a strong possibility that Rachel would deny him blankets.

"Her name is _Dyson,_" Ava insisted, still not seeing the problem. "Dyson Cinderella Hudson."

Her voice was taking on that stubborn tone he was all too familiar with in her maternal counterpart and he dropped it for a moment, trying to figure out his next move. Rachel was determined to lose the name Dyson while Ava was just as determined to keep it which left him between a rock and a hard place. He sighed, knowing there was only one thing to do.

It was time to bring in the big guns.

* * *

><p>"I'm here. Where's the new Rugrat?" Puck demanded as he strolled through the door, a leopard print diaper bag flung over his shoulder and a present tucked under one arm. "And congrats, man."<p>

"Nice bag. I especially like the pink bow," Finn answered with a snicker, looking past him to Quinn. He smiled at the sight of the carrier hanging from Quinn's arm, Olivia snoozing away under a mound of blankets.

"Shove it. Real men wear pink," he replied, the hand holding the bag shifting to give Finn the finger.

"Congratulations, Finn," Quinn added, placing the carrier gently on the ground to remove her coat. "Where is everyone?"

"They're in the living room." He nodded towards the room, taking Quinn's coat and hanging it up, Puck having thrown his coat on the hall table.

"So Berry really found a way to rid you of your manhood now that there's all girls in the house," Puck commented with a snicker. "You four decide on the official tampon brand for the house?"

"Says the man still holding a pink and leopard print diaper bag," Finn shot back, following him and Quinn into the living room where Carole was currently reading Ava a book while both Dyson and Lena swung in their respective swings side by side.

"Yo A," Puck called out as he entered the room. "Welcome to the club."

Ava beamed as she gave Puck a fist bump, climbing off the couch to retrieve her big sister purse. "Look Norma! I got a purse in my big sister box just like you did!"

"The fu...what are you talking about?" he asked, reigning his cursing in just in time.

"You got a purse in your big brother box," she replied, holding the purse up again. "Uncle Kurt _said_."

"Oh really? Well did Uncle Kurt tell you he got a tiara in his?" Puck retorted, annoyed at this new shot from Kurt. "Ask him."

"_Really_?"

The intended insult clearly didn't land, since Ava looked thrilled at this and he frowned, thinking of how to correct this situation. "Well when I say tiara, I don't mean like a princess one. I'm talking like the crown he got for eating the most hot dogs. Instead of diamonds it's got little weinies on it. You know, since Uncle Kurt's such a weiner fan."

"Oh." Clearly not impressed anymore, Ava frowned. "I didn't know Uncle Kurt likes hot dogs."

"_Loves_ them. Ask him. Or better yet, ask Uncle Blaine since he's got the hot dogs," Puck replied with a snicker.

"Dude!" Finn hissed, glancing at his mother.

"Sorry Mrs. H." He looked slightly guilty for a second before snorting at the thought of Ava asking Kurt. "Hey A, we got you a Big Sister present. You know, since you're in the club now."

Ava squealed, ripping apart the package he'd handed her to reveal new dress up clothes.

"Where's Rachel?" Quinn cut in as she unsnapped a now awake Olivia, pulling off her winter coat. "Bottle, Puck."

"Yeah, where's the Biggest Berry? I don't hear her mouth," Puck asked, still snickering about his latest jab at Kurt as he pulled a bottle out of the diaper bag.

"She's pumping. She'll be out soon," Carole replied. "Burt, Hiram and LeRoy went to go get dinner and Kurt and Blaine left. Let me see Olivia."

"Getting big isn't she?" Puck replied proudly, lifting the baby out of the carrier and cradling her with a well practiced air. He offered the bottle he'd procured from the diaper bag to Olivia, who began drinking immediately. "She drinks like a sailor."

"She's a mixture of you both, I think," Carole decided, stroking Olivia's blonde hair softly. "Lena seems to be a mixture of Finn and Rachel but a stronger emphasis on Finn."

"She's beautiful," Quinn cooed, leaning in for a closer look. "Absolutely precious."

"Definitely doesn't have the huge Berry honker, that's for sure," Puck commented, passing Olivia off to Carole carefully. "Yo A. Who's this?"

"That's my baby. Dyson Cinderella Hudson." She beamed, watching Puck take Dyson out of the swing.

"That's right. You told me." He smirked, still holding Dyson. "I think Dyson might even be a better name than Finessa Evelyn."

"It's Mommy's name," Ava announced proudly, forgetting what her grandmother had told her.

"Mommy must be thrilled," Quinn commented carefully, exchanging a stern glance with Puck. Fortunately, she'd answered Finn's desperate phone call and not Puck which meant that she'd not only been briefed on the situation, she'd been able to issue a sex ban if Puck didn't help or made it worse.

"She loves it." Ava frowned. "Daddy keeps saying other names."

"Is that right?" She turned to Puck. "What do you think, _Noah_?"

He shrugged. "I think Dyson's an awesome name. It should be your name."

"Noah," Quinn warned, her voice loaded in a way that didn't go unnoticed by Puck. "Remember what I said."

He sighed. "Yo A. You get the notice about the meeting?"

She shook her head, holding out her arms for Dyson. "What meeting?"

"Whoa. You didn't get the email about the special meeting today?" He feigned surprise as he handed Dyson over. "That must be why you weren't there. I'm surprised Uncle Kurt didn't bring you but then again, he probably didn't want to be see with a new member."

"There was a meeting? I missed it?" she asked worriedly. "Can I still go to the circus?"

"You're good for the circus," he assured her. "Unless..."

"What?" She put Dyson back in the swing.

He shrugged. "Well, you named Dyson after Mommy, right?"

She nodded proudly, adjusting Dyson's blanket over her.

He ran a hand over his hair, glad he'd actually read Kurt's text about the club and not just deleted it. "That's a problem. Have you met Calvin Klein yet? The president of our club?"

"No. Is he going to be at the circus?" she asked, climbing onto the couch next to Carole and Quinn, both of whom were watching this with interest.

He glanced at Quinn and Finn. "I can't really give you the lowdown A, with a little sister and a little brother in the room. They might talk."

"Puck," Quinn warned.

"We'll go," Finn answered at the same time. He grabbed Quinn, pulling her towards the door. "It's ok. Mom's a big sister so she'll monitor him."

Puck waited until they'd gone into the kitchen before he spoke. "Ok, A. Now that they're gone, I can give you the dirt on Calvin. He's a real butt-head. You know, like Reginald."

"Really?" Ava's eyes went wide.

He nodded. "If he finds out that you named Dyson after Mommy and not him, he might kick you out of the club and then you can't go to the circus or any of the other awesome shit we do."

"_Really_?" she repeated.

"Absolutely." He leaned in close. "You better tell everyone and I mean _everyone,_ you named Dyson after Calvin Klein. Trust me, you don't want to get kicked out. Calvin's tea parties are legendary. That's where I met Sleeping Beauty, you know. Found her asleep in the grotto after tea. Dated her for a bit but she kept falling asleep at the tea table so I cut her loose."

"Wow," she breathed, excited by the thought of the tea party.

"His parties are extremely exclusive. He finds out about Dyson's not named after him and you can forget about getting an invite." He nodded seriously, trying not to laugh at her expression. "Ask Uncle Kurt. He's never gotten an invite after he brought Mr. Smee to a meeting and it turns out Mr. Smee is a little brother."

"He brought a _little brother_?" Ava cried, horrified at the thought of a little brother at the meetings. "That's not allowed! He doesn't even have a card!"

"No kidding. Uncle Kurt was lucky to get out of there alive. He's lucky I had my Coupe parked nearby." He pursed his lips, trying to keep a straight face. "Calvin was so mad, he put Uncle Kurt in Time-Out at the next meeting."

Ava said nothing, staring incredulously at Puck. He took the silence to mean she was buying it, putting the finishing touches on his story. "So yeah. You better start telling everyone Dyson is named after Calvin Klein if you want to go to the circus and the cool tea parties. I just got my invite for the next one on Saturday before the circus so if you want to go, you need to stop saying Dyson is named after Mommy, ok?"

"Ok." She nodded vigorously.

"Cool." He held up his fist for a fist bump, exchanging a look of triumph with Carole. Quinn and Finn, he noticed, were hanging out by the door waiting for the all clear and he stretched, giving a subtle thumbs up as they came back in the room, followed closely by Tina, David and Mike, who'd arrived while he and Ava had been in their meeting.

Tina made a beeline for Evangeline, who'd just begun stirring, pulling her out of the swing carefully and holding her close to examine. "Look at her! Who does she look like?"

Ava, bored and not particularly caring who Lena looked like, pulled Dyson out of her swing. "Look David. This is my new baby. You can't hold her."

David appeared unimpressed, holding up his pirate sword. "I don't want to hold your baby! Grandpa got me this."

"So? I got lots of Big Sister stuff. Too bad I can't show you," she taunted, annoyed at the insult to Dyson. She turned to Mike, sure of a better reaction from him. "This is my new baby, Uncle Mike."

"Wow! A new baby for you too? What's her name?" Mike asked, having already heard the name saga from Puck.

"Dyson. Dyson Cinderella Hudson." She paused, glancing at Puck. "She's named after Calvin Klein."

"Uh ok." He stared in confusion, watching Puck give Ava a thumbs up, who beamed in response. "That's cool."

Puck stared at Finn, who'd been watching this exchange with apprehension. "And that's how it's done."

Finn ran a hand through his hair and let out a sigh of relief. "Dude. I totally owe you."

"I saved your ass from yet another Berry kicking. Of course you do," he replied, settling on the couch and taking Olivia back from Carole. "I don't know why you have such parenting problems. It's a breeze."

Finn snorted. "You just wait."

"Wait for what?" Rachel asked, coming into the room. She paused at the sight of everyone, happily accepting congratulations as she watched Tina holding Lena and Ava showing Mike Dyson's swing. She turned to Finn warily. "Is it taken care of?"

He slung an arm around her waist, pressing a kiss to her temple. "I told you I'd take care of it."

She stepped out of his embrace, a hand on her hip. "Is. It. Done."

"Yes. It. Is," he mimicked, stepping close to her again. "Problem solved."

"So Dyson has a new name?" she demanded, glancing at Ava still trying to get David interested in her doll.

"Uh...no," he hedged. He lowered his voice to a whisper. "But Puck somehow managed to get her to agree to say it's Calvin Klein's name. So that works."

Rachel appeared skeptical, an eyebrow arched. "I find that hard to believe."

"Believe it." He replaced his arm around her. "Try it and see for yourself. Have Tina ask her."

Eyebrow still arched, Rachel pulled Tina aside and issued her instructions. She watched carefully as Tina asked Ava, her eyebrows shooting up in surprise as Ava confirmed Finn's statement that Dyson was in fact named after Calvin Klein. Happy at this development, she leaned in close to Finn. "You can sleep with me and Lena tonight."

He grinned. "Lucky me."

She glanced around watching Dyson and Lena swinging away while Ava attempted to force David to attend a tea party and wrapped her arms around Finn. "No, lucky _us_."

* * *

><p>"Finn...baby..." Rachel murmured, groggy with sleep. "Baby. Your turn."<p>

"Again?" he grumbled through a haze of sleep. "How'd Ava get so lucky? Dyson already sleeps through the night."

Even groggy, Rachel managed to reach over and smack him. "Do _not_ call that doll that."

"Sorry baby. Go back to sleep." He pressed a kiss to her forehead before he stumbled out of bed, almost tripping over the sneakers he'd left on the floor. Half asleep, he stepped over to a crying Evangeline's bassinet and lifted her out, looking longingly at a sleeping Dyson in the little bassinet next to Evangeline's. "Hey, little girl. What's with all the noise?"

Evangeline didn't seem to care about the noise, choosing to cry louder as Finn cradled her and carried her out of the room. Hoping the crying didn't wake Ava, he brought her into the kitchen, making a beeline for the fridge and pulling out a bottle of breast milk Rachel had pumped earlier. Simultaneously placing the bottle in the warmer and bouncing Evangeline, he set the timer, praying the five minutes would go quickly. "How about we change you while we wait? I don't really remember it myself but I bet it sucks having to sit in a wet diaper."

Still bouncing her, he carried a crying Evangeline into the nursery, laying her out on the changing table and unzipping the thick fleecy polka dotted sleep sack Rachel had placed her in. "So," he commented, busy unbuttoning the snaps of the onesie underneath. "How you liking things on the outside?"

Evangeline continued to howl in response albeit at a slightly reduced volume which may have been attributed to the fresh diaper Finn had just placed on her. He dressed her again, careful to speak in a calming voice. "Life can't be that bad, can it? I mean, you've got a pretty sweet deal here. You get held whenever you want and changed too, so that's pretty awesome. Plus, you've got unlimited access to Mommy's boobs, which is more than I can say at the moment."

He frowned at the thought, putting Evangeline back against his shoulder and rubbing her back as he made his way to the kitchen. Annoyingly, the bottle still wasn't warmed, making him resume his pacing. Praying that the bottle would be warm soon, he continued to pat Evangeline's back, talking as he did so. "How about a tour while we wait? This is my awesome recliner and this here is your swing but you already know that since Grandma had you swinging before. That little swing next to it is Dyson's so I bet you two will be swing buddies."

Evangeline was evidently unimpressed by her new home, continuing to cry even as Finn pointed out different things. Mercifully, the bottle warmer finally pinged and he ran for it, quickly offering it to Evangeline, who began sucking greedily. "There, that's better isn't it? Looks like you've got my appetite, Lena."

Relieved that she'd stopped crying, he carried her down the hallway, careful to make sure the bottle stayed in place. His plan to get back in bed and rest while feeding Evangeline was shot to hell once he took a look at his bed since Rachel was no longer the only occupant.

Ava was now installed on his side of the bed, stretched out and sound asleep. Dyson, dressed in an outfit similar to Evangeline's, was next to her, a plastic bottle lying abandoned nearby. He frowned, glancing down at Evangeline. "Great. If there's one thing you should know about your sister, Leens, it's that she's a major bed hog. She gets that from Mommy."

"I heard that."

"Well it's true." He threw Rachel a grin, who glared in response. "Don't try to deny it."

"What took you so long to get her a bottle?" she demanded. "It woke Ava up and she insisted on giving her baby a bottle once she realized Lena was having one."

"It didn't warm up." He shrugged. "Move Avs over?"

She sighed, sitting up slightly to pull a sleeping Ava to her side of the bed. Ava stirred, throwing an arm over Rachel but didn't wake. Finn pushed Dyson to the side with his body as he settled back on the bed, holding Evangeline close to his body. He smiled over at Rachel, who'd settled onto her side to stare at them. "Kinda cool isn't it?"

"What?" She reached over, rubbing Evangeline's head softly with one finger.

"This. Two girls. It's pretty cool." He paused, shrugging. "Three if you count Dyson."

She glared. "I do not."

"You have to admit it's kind of funny." He pulled the bottle out of Lena's mouth, placing her on his shoulder to burp. "She thinks Dyson is the most beautiful name she's ever heard, more beautiful than Finessa Evelyn. You should be honored."

Rachel giggled in spite of herself. "I'm surprised it beat Finnessa Evelyn."

"Yeah, I'm kind of insulted." He grinned, patting Lena's back gently until she burped. "So we're good?"

She smiled, her head against her pillow. "We're good."

"Cool." He scooted down the bed to lay and placed Lena on his chest, his heartbeat lulling her to sleep. "So I'm up two to one."

"What do you mean?" She shifted a little against the pillow.

He turned his head to look at her, narrowly missing the arm Ava was flinging as she turned. "Well you humiliated me with that bear and the name Finny-bear and Ava tells everyone my name is Finessa Evelyn. That's two. You've only had Dyson named after you."

She glared. "And that's enough."

He grinned. "Hate to break it to you babe but you've got another humiliation coming. Maybe Lena will dig up something in a few years. I can tell her about what really happened down at the Jersey Shore if you want."

"Don't you dare," she hissed, reaching over to smack him lightly on the arm. "It's bad enough Daddy knows."

He laughed, glancing down at both his sleeping daughters, Ava still tossing and turning. "He only knows because you're loud, babe. Plus, that stupid dog..."

"Don't blame Norton," she giggled. "It's not like he stole _my_ bathing suit."

"That's true. You'd need to have been wearing a bathing suit for him to steal it, you skinny dipper you," he teased, enjoying her indignant look.

"I was not skinny dipping!" she hissed, glancing at Ava as she moved again. "I had my bikini partly on."

"Whatever you say, Skinny dipper." He laughed, carefully dodging her blow so as not to wake Evangeline sound asleep on his chest. "Face it, babe. That's not the only time you skinny dipped. Remember our honeymoon? You were a major skinny dipper there."

"Shh!" she hissed, hitting his arm once more. "Little ears!"

"Relax babe. Ava's asleep and even if Evangeline heard, it's not like she could say anything," he reasoned, carefully scooping Lena off his chest and sitting up. He cradled her, carefully standing and making his way over to the bassinet. He'd just placed Evangeline back in when a sound behind him made him pause.

"Mommy? What's a skinny dipper?"

Shit. He whirled around quickly to see Ava siting up in bed and rubbing her eyes as she waited for an answer. "It's a girl who's on a diet who uh, likes to dip her food in stuff. You know, like barbeque sauce."

"Oh." Satisfied by that answer, she lay back down her eyes closed and he sheepishly made his way back to bed, ignoring Rachel's glare.

"Sorry babe." He climbed into bed, adjusting the covers around him as Rachel gave a one shouldered shrug across from him.

"It could be worse. At least she doesn't know about Muffin."

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: Another girl! For those of you who watch Modern Family, I LOVED Phil saying the Star Wars line when Luke was born, although I'm sure it's a common occurrence with that name lol.**_

_**And I think Dyson Cinderella Hudson just might be my favorite character.**_


End file.
